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J J Jun 26
No accent better than broken-english
The country's a **** hole now though.

Hallelujah's dwindle the arcades like pendulous chasms

Chasing down the shadows only to end up with their tails

In their throats.


The silence was eerie. I was asleep half the day because

There was nothing to do when up

And far less to do when I was down

But I guess I'm just more use to the feeling of a sunken ship.

The bells and sirens are screaming now though;

The worst part is that no matter how much I improve myself

The biggest issues are circumstantial.

Devil watching the TV and grinning as if he'd snatched the souls
To mansons; I was too hung up on the risk to ever take chances

But I've grew sick of romantascing my struggles

Swear to God I've been dragging the same cold winter on my back

From like five years ago and I've just been letting it stack while I
Selectively snip the worst of it following one too many mistakes...

I've grown truly wise in a sense that I no longer rely on hope,

Been broken in the same way too many times to react the same as I had been.

We're all destined for the ground so I am going to stand mine while I still can.
beatrix Nov 2019
i'm telling myself,
"he doesn't want to talk."
i'm telling myself,
"he's feeling put off."
i'm telling myself,
"you're being suffocating."
i'm telling myself,
"he regrets we started dating."
i'm telling myself,
"he wants you to take blame."
i'm telling myself,
"don't start with this game..."

of self-sabotage
that you use to isolate
because it's easier
and because you're afraid.
of "what will happen?"
if none of this works out
and you don't feel capable
or like you'll stick around.
when things get tough
and you have to speak up
explaining all the ways
your body turns itself off.
it's learned to survive
through things that have hurt it
and it's gone neglected
because its owner's felt undeserving.

you asked if i felt this is moving too fast and now it's made me nervous that you think it has.
Haylin Sep 2018
Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.

Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.

Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.

Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.

Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.

Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?

Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.

Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.

Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.

Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.

Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.

Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.

Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.

Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.

Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.

Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.

Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.

Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.

Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.

Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.
Hunter Sep 2018
I thought I would never see you again
I convinced myself I didn't want to
I knew it was a lie
Every time I breathed those thoughts
And then I saw you again

I knew you would remember me
Of course you would
After all the time we spent together
You knew who I was
But had very little memory of what happened
Especially after the first month

I tried to put the pain away
But it burned in my lungs to talk to you
It felt like knives along my skin to touch you
I couldn't breathe
But I pushed through

I thought I'd be mad at you
After what you did
And how you hurt me
I was so sure I'd hate you
But it was as if nothing had happened
As if no time had passed since it was good

I'd consider you my best friend
Sometimes it still hurts
I try to ignore it
Because being your friend
Is worth the pain
At least that's what I tell myself

Sometimes I think I might have fallen for you
Most times I think that's a terrible thing
But I really like you
And you don't like me
And it *****
But I know you can't change your feelings

I think I should try to forget you
I try to not text you ever again
I always fail in under a day
Missing you is so easy
Forgetting you is so hard

I know I should distance myself
I know I need space
I know you need space
I'm aware of what I've done
I've tried
I'm sorry

I'm not strong enough
Hunter Sep 2018
Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.

Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.

Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.

Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.

Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.

Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?

Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.

Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.

Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.

Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.

Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.

Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.

Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.

Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.

Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.

Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.

Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.

Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.

Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.

Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.
Hunter Sep 2018
Single file line
Stand up straight
Sit cross legged
Don’t talk

Single file line
Stand up straight
Sit cross legged
Don’t talk

Take a buddy
Stand up straight
Sit cross legged
Don’t talk

Take a buddy
Stand up straight
Sit at your desk
Don’t talk

Take a buddy
Don’t leave your seat
Sit at your desk
No talking

Hurry back
Don’t leave your seat
Sit at your desk
No talking

If everything
Was to prepare me
For real life
Or the next grade
Why do you
Keep changing
The instructions
And why did no one
Ever teach me
How to talk
Hunter Sep 2018
Mum doesn’t like my shoes
she says they look *****
she’s right
my shoes are very *****

Mum doesn’t like my shoes
she says the writing on them is dramatic
she’s right
the writing on my shoes is very dramatic

Mum doesn’t like my shoes
she says the holes are annoying
she’s right
the holes in my shoes are very annoying

I like my shoes
they’re ***** with the Earth I celebrate living on
they’re covered in writings from songs that define me
I could probably do without the holes
Hunter Sep 2018
I like to be in my room with the lights off
I like the way darkness feels as it wraps it’s cold hand around me
I like how quiet the lack of light can appear to be
And how loud it is when you learn to listen

I like when there are no street lights on outside my window
When I’m not the only one covered in the blackness of the night
It is so hard to feel alone when everyone is the same
Stuck in the timeless embrace of shadows

But

Again and again the sun will rise
And it will cover the earth as if it had never left
Leaving the opposite to feel what i had felt
Warming my face with the daily schedule

When the sun is up I have to do everything
When the sun is down I get to do anything
The biggest difference imaginable by just two words
Could be the reason anyone ever truly lives
Frank Discussion Jun 2018
There once was a hamster who was not there,
He was not really anywhere.

He scurried and burrowed and chattered and crawled,
I swear I could hear him inside of my walls.

He crept all around and even whispered to me,
"I know your dark secrets, but they're safe as can be".

The hamster was growing, bigger, unkind,
Using as food, the thoughts in my mind.

I started to hate his vicious demeanour,
As he grew fatter, my soul grew leaner.

I devised a great plan to end his existence,
A quite dark plan, that needed persistence.

I cleaned my handgun and put one in the chamber,
Raising it to my head, my breathing was laboured.

A tear stained note, was pinned to my chest,
Just one final thing before I could rest.

With one last, great push, I pulled the stiff trigger,
Safe in the knowledge he would grow no bigger.
Aisling Jan 2017
sometimes I feel like my brain is melting and likely to ooze out my ears at any second but sometimes I feel like my brain is swelling and the pressure is too much for my fragile skull and my head will explode and it will be hell to clean up.

sometimes I feel like my skin is too tight and one wrong move will cause it to split open and reveal bones and blood and gore but sometimes I feel like my skin isn't really /my skin/ like I'm slapping €10 moisturizer on some strange mask that looks like skin and feels almost like skin but just doesn't feel quite right on my body.

sometimes I feel like drinking ***** like its water or swallowing xanax like they're tic tacs and washing everything down with cookies and maybe a bottle of €4 wine but sometimes I feel like drinking peppermint tea and eating sweet red apples and the only constant is that I never feel like nourishing myself properly whether because I don't deserve it or because I'm too exhausted all the time I'm not sure.

sometimes I feel like I haven't earned the love and trust and intimacy I crave and that's why I don't ******* have it and sometimes I feel like **** for thinking that because I know realistically I have family and friends and blah blah blah but the idea of speaking completely openly to anyone terrifies me to the point of xanax ***** rinse repeat and I think maybe that's what I want
that being someone who definitely will not leave or want to or be disappointed no matter what I do and maybe that's another reason why I can't talk to the people I have because I can't bear the guilt
my shoulders are so knotted and tired they can't carry the disappointed faces too.

sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite alive because I tell myself one thing and my brain fights me on it and I can never tell who's winning only that there's a mess now because I didn't listen to the facts and sometimes I feel like this mess is exactly what I need because I don't know who I am without it.

sometimes I feel so much my toes buzz and my eyes black over and I can't breathe or stop sobbing but sometimes I feel nothing at all and I think I know which one I prefer and I think I know it's the wrong one.

what is it like to feel steady.
stream of consciousness I wrote a few months back and vaguely edited today. still relevant.
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