I found a ribbon.
And without thinking,
I took one end
Into each hand.
And I tugged.
Hard.
It made little sounds
Like it was twanging.
Over and over again.
Then I stopped,
And saw
That it still looked
Brand new.
And this
Didn't seem fair.
That an object
So inanimate,
Could withstand
So much abuse.
When my heart
Was felled
In one blow.
But then I saw
A little string
On one end
Of the ribbon.
And I pulled.
It started to unravel.
So I pulled
And pulled
And pulled.
Until finally,
The ribbon
Wasn't a ribbon.
But a pile
Of tiny stings
Just sitting in my hand.
And I felt better.
Because now
My heart
Wasn't the only thing,
In a thousand little pieces.

This morning I woke up,
And knew for sure
That you were gone.

The last time that I touched you
Was inside of a dream.

And though my cheek still tingled,
Where I last felt your breath

I knew it wasn't real,
And wouldn't ever be.

Now I must start my mourning
Again, at the beginning.

Don't put me on a pedestal.
I'm far too clumsy.
To be up that high,
I'll right off-
But you won't notice.

I can't live with a man,
That thinks I'm a perfect princess.
I can't live with a man,
That worships the ground I walk on.

Because I'm human-
I make mistakes-
And I **** up.
And I need that to be okay.

I can't have someone
Who's in denial,
That I can do wrong.
I've messed up,
And I'll do it again.

I want someone who will help me through.
Not tell me that it doesn't matter.

I think,
That I've just about always
Tried to look at my life
As if it were a comedy-
Of the romantic variety.

But at this point,
It'd be a terrible franchise
With way too many sequels.
And each film would end
Just a little bit sadder
Than the one that came before it.

But then when I try to see my life
As a tragedy
It just doesn't feel right.

Maybe, despite all the odds,
I'm more optimistic
Than I really should be.
And I'm hoping, maybe, this movie
Is out to win an Oscar.

It's sad,
It's far too long,
And has an actress nobody has heard of.
But it eventually comes to an ending
That makes you think,
"I'm glad I'm not her,
Though it was happy in the end."

I'm terrified outside my mind
My heart can't beat slow enough
For me to fall asleep

Every breath I take
Feels like a fire
Burning inside my chest

And it's all because of you
The way you've gotten me
So terribly confused

The way you put your arm around me
And told me I was special
I believed it might be true

But now you've gone away
To a place so very far
That I fear you may just stay there

Absolutely terrified.
Shaking in complete and utter fear.
Currently, that's me.

Typing up a confession,
Unlike anything I've ever written,
In the middle of the night.

The dark closing in like a cloak
Just for me to hide inside of.
But I know that this confession,
It must see the light of day.

And when it does I'll feel more naked
Than on the day that I was born.
I just hope the blanket I get wrapped in
Is one made up of your warm arms.

I've thought a lot about you,
In general of course.

But something about today
Has brought you to my mind
Even more than I am used to.

I thought briefly you were driving
That big green pick-up truck I saw,
The one with the yellow license plate-
It just seemed so very you.

Then I thought I saw you,
In a man with short cut hair
And a nice red tie.
But I remembered that you're far away,
And it wasn't possible.

But then again later, I felt desperately sad.
For no real reason,
Nothing that I could explain.
And it made me think of you.

I hope that you're alright.
I hope that you're not hurt.
I want to text you, call you, email,
Anything at all.
To make sure that you're okay.

But we haven't talked in quite some time.
And I'd hate to over step.

So instead I'll lay awake tonight.
And think of you.
And hope that you're alright.

I thought I could handle this.
But I can't.
And I'm sorry.
I'm weak.
And already too broken.
I can't do this.
I don't have the energy.
I thought that I could.
And I'm sorry.
For being wrong.
For lying to you.
For lying to myself.
For not being strong enough.
I just don't have what it takes to do this.

I just don't understand what's going on,
I have no clue what I am to you.
Am I more now?
Am I less?
Has nothing changed at all?
I'm not a fan of ambiguity;
Especially in friends.
And I thought that we were more.
But this unknown state of being
Is tearing me apart.
So if you meant to say
That when you come back
You'll be coming back for me-
You should say it sooner.
Because if you wait 'til later
I might already be gone.

Seven years down the drain
All because I've sat here waiting.
But now the seven years are up
And a miracle has happened.
But that miracle I wished for
All those seven years ago,
Was wished for in a time and place
So very different from this world.
So now I'm stuck here incredibly upset,
Hoping that somehow you can fit
Into this life of mine I've made.

They burn in my bones.
They course through my veins.
They eat at my stomach.

Each and every one of my fears.

This is my life now,
All shrouded in panic.
Picking away at what sanity is left.

Muddling my brain.
Sharpening my reactions.
Piercing through my eyes.

Each and every one of my fears.

My world is nothing
Except a whole lot of confusion,
As to why the world isn't collapsed.

Silly little girl,
Stupid to strive for strength
Of sheer willed men.
Sorry for the senselessness.
Of all the stupidity served her own way.
Scared of loving when scarcely a soul does bother
To sense her own sadness.
Nothing to do with skill or savvy.
Just skepticism and her own stained heart.

Our generation's newspaper
Is Facebook
And today's headline
Left me wanting to puke, cry,
And scream to the high heavens.

Six months I said I didn't care.
For six months I knew I was lying.
Today was the day that I dreaded,
Today is the day you moved on.

"Is in a relationship"
With 32 likes and a cutesy comment.
Makes feel want to #Oops
As you disappear from my life
Forever.

My love is like a star
It's there burning bright for so long that you take it for-granted
And when it's close to its end
It gives one last giant burst with all the energy that's left
And then it's gone forever

If the stars were red
And the moon was black
Would we still romanticize the sky?

Would we want to send men past our atmosphere?
Or would we fear what's above,
Believing that demons lived in the space above us?

Drip dropping
Down to the abyss.
Drowning in the dark;
Drooping towards the depths.
It's dank and detestable,
Dreary and disgusting.

But it's doubtful that you'll determine
That deprivation of this disaster
Will deter your distasteful feelings.

So you decide to disguise it all
With one decent smile,
And dance into the deceitful.
And join the ******.

Naturally weary.
Sighing the biggest sighs around,
Shoulders drooping,
Head leaned forward,
Back hunched as if good posture was the plague.

Leave him be.
The silence is his biggest solace.
It doesn't ask a thing from him,
Unlike the rest of the world,
Whose demands keep growing,
And get louder every day.

The gray hairs shine more and more.
This cup of coffee is the only thing left
That he enjoys.

Running, running, always running.
What is it with the running?
Why is that the verb that I,
And all the rest desire?

We want to run!
To get away!
Our own lives never good enough.
The place we sit never feeling right.
We're always searching,
And always wanting,
We feel as if we need it.

But do we?
What if we're wrong
What if right here is just fine?
Because here and now is who we are.
Who are we to deny that?

Why do we need to run?
To get away?
Who said that what we are right now,
Isn't what we'll always be?
If we run; we're still ourselves.
But now we're in a brand new city.

And alone.

She fell right down,
But not to get back up.
She fell right down
To find out
Just what was down there
On that ground.

In the dark dank place
Where all the good people go.
In the end they all find themselves
Right there a midst the ground.
So why shouldn't she too
Join them there in the Earth?
If that's where all the good ones go,
Then there's where she should be.

Halloween had a funny feeling
Ever since you left.
Football games were fun,
But they were never quite the same.
November was exciting
But brought back memories.
And December, always my favorite month
Would squeeze my heart a bit.

And then last night you called me up
And said you felt the same.

For so incredibly long
I thought I'd been forsaken.
Been taken in and then replaced,
Because you never really cared.
When all this time it was a lack
Of **** communication.
For all the days we talked and texted.
We couldn't just ask one simple question.

And now it's just a little too late.

Been left alone for so long,
I thought that I was crazy.
The memories I held-
Were sure to be forgotten,
By all the others in them.

And if I'm the only one
That really does remember.
Does it even make them real?
Or would they then,
Just be ingrained,
In my imagination?

That worrisome thought,
No longer relevant.
When you showed up
At my door;
To ask me if I too
Remembered those worn out
Memories.

The chicken watches the crow fly away-
And it longs and it wishes.
Because the crow can go freely at will,
While the chicken can hardly flap to the fence.

The chicken will stay
For likely all of her days
While the crow comes and goes
Whenever he desires.

He lives a life on whims-
A life of scouring the world for what suits him.
While she's stuck in routine,
Only getting what's handed right to her

The aloe to the sunburn
The blanket to the cold
The bandage on the cut
And the laughter to a joke

The you to me
You just make me better

He's the yo-yo man
He reels the girls in
Throws them back out
Then yanks them right back in
He's got one for each hand
He's the yo-yo man
Soon a string breaks
And the girl goes a-flying
Until she hits the floor
But he don't break a sweat
He don't bat an eye
Because he's got replacements
He's the yo-yo man
All his toys are cheap
And easily breakable
He's the yo-yo man
He's a little out dated
A little bit quirky
And the tricks get old real fast
He's the yo-yo man

I'm feeling a little bit, self-destructive.
I'm feeling a little bit, stupid and careless.
But that's alright,
But that's okay.
Because you're right there,
And that's exactly what you are.

So what do you say?
You want to start something toxic?
You want to start something dangerous?
Start something we won't want to stop
Until it's far too late.
We'll be pieces on the floor,
Scattered everywhere.
Won't be able to tell what's yours
And what is mine.

But that's alright,
But that's okay.
Somebody else can pick up those pieces.

I'm feeling a little bit, self-destructive.
I'm feeling a little bit, stupid and careless.
But that's alright,
But that's okay.
Because you're right there,
And that's exactly what you are.
So what do you say?
You want to start something toxic?

Oh, my!

I finally feel human.
It's been weeks since I've felt myself,
Ages since I could stand on my own
Without you as my crutch.

I quickly learned when you arrived
That standing was made easier
When you were around.
But as suddenly as you came
You left me all on my own.

And when I tried to stand
I fell right back over.
Wondering where my legs had gone.
You'd stolen an essential part of me.

It's been ages since I've stood,
But now I'm on my feet again.
I don't need you to hold me up,
I don't need anyone but me.

Once again I'm full human,
Not one single piece missing.
Maybe still a little broken,
But that's just aging, and life.

The way a flower wilts
Is the way my hopes do bend
The way chocolate melts
Is the way my dreams fade off
A withering tree
Just like my expectations
A crumpled note paper
Much like my own heart
The broken world around me
Mirrors myself inside

Look at where we stand,
Look at who we are.
It's almost as if
Nothing ever changed.
An entire year ago-
As if it were just yesterday,
A single breath away.

We fought a whole war,
Learned new lessons,
Broke our hearts,
And stole a few others.

And yet it's like nothing changed,
We're practically the same.

We worked so hard,
We broke down,
And then rebuilt.
And we're still in the same place.
As if it never happened-
A waste of our time.

We still want the same things,
Still need the same people.
Whispering the same truths,
And telling the same lies.
An entire year ago-
As if it were just yesterday,
A single breath away.

I want to save you.
To take your hand and help you run.
But you haven't yet realized
That you need saving.

And if you had
You'd say you didn't need help.
I want to whisper in your ear,
"I'm here. I can help."

I know you'd think it crazy,
But you'd come around and then,
I think you'd smile and chase after me.

And only once we ran out of breath
You'd realize your problems got left behind.

That's it's just you and me,
Alone with our freedom,
To do anything we please.
And I'll have saved you.

It's either off the rooftop
Or off the deep end
I have a fear of water
And I have a fear of heights
Neither option looks too pleasing
But if I don't choose for myself
Then someone's bound to do it for me

Trying not to let the ocean drown me
Trying not to let the sheets smother me
Trying not to let the fingers strangle me

But it doesn't seem to matter what I do
Where I run or hide doesn't seem to help
Because no matter where I go
No matter where I look
Everything is out to get me

I want someone I can scream abuse at
I want someone I can yell at
I want to angrily announce all my fears and flaws
I want to shout all the reasons that I'm broken
And they can shout right back

Because nobody has ever let me do that

And then when all is said and done
I want them to cry with with me
I want them to hold me
I want them to tell me we can take this together
I want someone who knows that anger isn't hate

I want someone I can feel every emotion with

I don't know what to do with you anymore
It all stopped and I think that's for the best
But I don't think that I like the best
I think I want the worst
The most unhealthy and painful option
I think I like that one better

Because it means you
It means you with me
It means your hands running down my back
As I play with your floppy hair

I feel sick as I say it
Because I know that it's wrong
It's toxic and painful and I should just run
But I don't want to and I can't tell if you know

I'm afraid of this whole situation
I never asked to be a part of it
It all happened so quickly and now it's too late
I want it and I want it so badly
But it's already gone before I can protest

It's for the better and I know that
But better feels worse
And that doesn't make sense

Sometimes it feels like
I'm just yelling into the void
My voice gets lost in the nothing

I can trail off mid-sentence
And no one even notices
Because they weren't even listening

Sometimes I feel like I could scream
And nobody would flinch
Since no one would notice it happened

Maybe I'm surrounded
By a ******* hole
And everything I say gets ****** away

But for some strange reason
I keep shouting, and screaming
Or at the very least I'm talking

Perhaps I have a ridiculous hope
That maybe one special day
People will realize that I have something to say

Imagine your entire life,
Everyone you've ever loved-
Or trusted a tiny bit.
Every single one of them,
Hurting you in some new way
At some point in time.

Imagine that they walk away,
As if they never knew you.
Not a single glance behind them.

Imagine how scared you'd feel
Whenever you met someone new.

Imagine how sad you'd be
When you sit at home alone.

Imagine how angry you'd get sometimes
When you see their faces.

Imagine how tired you must be
Knowing that it'll never quite be over.
Knowing that the cycle repeats.

Imagine that in me.
Imagine how hard that I must work.
To hide that story,
To fit in with society.
And act like I feel human.

Now you can understand
Why I've finally reached an end.
I can't go on this way.
But the thing is;
I can't change my past.

When the words don't come
And the thoughts stop short
I feel a sense of panic
And loss

Who am I if I have no thoughts?
What am I if I can't communicate?
I drop away from humanity
I fall out of society

They say that you should never
Push a loyal person
Past the point where they don't care.

Clearly you never heard that.
Or maybe you just don't care.
Either way, you've made a large mistake.

Because now all the anger
That I've been saving all these years,
All the fury I've been hiding-
Finally has release.

Every single person
That's ever done me wrong,
Every last wrong doing
That I have withstood,

Now falls upon your shoulders
Along with what you've done,
As if your own actions
Weren't bad enough alone.

They say that you should never
Push a loyal person
Past the point where they don't care.

But maybe now you've guessed
That it's far too late for you.
Because I'll smile and I'll laugh
I'll be pleasant around you.

You'll think that all is fine,
You'll fall into false comfort,
And when you try your games again
You'll fall flat upon your face.

Now?
Now I'm just angry.

"I figured I had nothing to apologize for."
You were wrong.
Unfathomably wrong.

Now?
Now I'm just angry.

You wonder why I have anxiety,
Trust issues, and depression too.
It's because of people just like you.

Now?
Now I'm just angry.

This has happened so many times.
That I can't even imagine such a thing
As a person who wouldn't hurt me.

Now?
Now I'm just angry.
I don't care anymore.
Do whatever you like.
But it won't be with me.

You finally gave in.
I could feel how tense you were;
How each nerve in your body felt-
Rejecting the situation against their will.

But then you gave in to yourself.
And then me.
You relaxed and your arm pulled in,
Pulling me with; you felt strong.

Your nose nudged the back of my head,
Making me smile into the dark.
You held me and the moment
As if it were the most important thing.

With each breath you took in
It filled the curve of my back,
And then I could breathe easy.
Because you finally gave in to us.

Tonight I say goodbye,
To the place that I grew up.
To the place in which I found myself.
To the place I learned the most.

Tonight I say goodbye,
To the place I feel at home.
To the place that makes me my best.
To the place that sets me free.

Tonight I say goodbye,
Because everything does end.
And it's time that I move on.
I might cry until I can't see,
I may miss this place in time.

Tonight I say goodbye.
But this place has made me who I am,
And I'll always be this person.
So this place will always be a part of me
No matter where I am.

I'm tired of reality
I want something new
I'm tired of reality
I want to move on

The place that I'm in
Is boring me now
This world that I'm in
Is always the same

I'm sick of these motions
I want new adventures
I'm sick of these rules
I want to re-write them

Sometimes I wish I could stop.
Pause a moment.
And live in it,
Forever.
Sit in eternity
With that feeling
Of happy perfection.
Never moving
Never changing
Never needing
Or wanting
Or aging.
Until one day
You just cease to exist.
Exiting with a surge
Of feeling and emotion.
Enough for a lifetime.
Then fading,
Into nothingness.

Don't make me know your routine
Don't make me love your routine
Don't make me part of your routine
And then stop

Once it's part of me

It's the same old story
Just a different time.

Hopes begin to fly.

It's the same old story
Just a different place.

Hopes begin to soar.

It's the same old story
But a different villain.

Hopes come crashing down.

It's the same old story
With the same old ending.

Tears begin to flow.

And as always
She's left alone.

They always say
Chin up
Smile wide
You've nothing left to fear

So why is it then
That I fear you?

They say
They'll ease the pain
Take aware those fears

But I think
That's the problem-
They keep them
For a while
Then hand them back,
But bigger

They always say
Chin up
Smile wide
You've nothing left to fear

But the only fear
That I have
Are of those
Who tell me that

Wishing in the well,
Wanting so much more.
Wondering where
That wonderful wish
May come from.

Watching out the window
Willing that wish
To wash right out of the sky.

Which way will it come?
What if it it won't?
Why must we worry?

Wistful thinking's a waste.

I whisper to the dark,
Because it's the shelter I need.
I stare at the sky,
Because it's the freedom I crave.

I close my eyes to the ocean,
Because it's the inconsistency I hate.
I glare at the shadows,
Because they're the emptiness I bear.

I cry to the dandelions,
Because they're the youth that I've lost.
I shout at the clouds,
Because they're the oppression I fear.

I laugh to the stars,
Because they're the mysteries unsolved.
I curse at wishbones,
Because they're the lies I recall.

I bargain to numbers,
Because they're the inevitable I resist.
I flinch at street corners,
Because they're the openness I lack.

I'm surrounded by thoughts,
And I wish I could see the world
With eyes untainted by life.

You held me tight when I was cold,
I was there when you were lonely.
You made me feel safe when I was scared,
I laughed at every joke you ever made.

We flirted until the sun would rise,
People would watch our running banter.
There wasn't one single person,
That thought we wouldn't be together.

And then you walked away.
As if it all meant absolutely nothing.
Shrugged your shoulders and cocked your head,
Not sure why I'd be bothered.

So just make me one last promise-
The next time you're on a date.
Think of all the fun we had;
Remember all the times we laughed-
The ease in which it happened.
Remember how I felt,
Pressed up against your chest.

And then look up across the table,
At the date you've brought to dinner.
I think you'll find it hard to swallow,
The entrée that you ordered.

It's all wrong.
All the words I want to use.
They just don't feel right;
Not when applied to you.

I want to say kind things,
But they don't apply anymore.
I want to say mean things,
But I don't have the heart.

It's all wrong.
You're not right.
I'm in chaos
And turmoil,
And it's all your fault.


All the similes,
Metaphors,
All the possible imagery
In the whole wide world!
And none of it seems to apply to you.

Nothing seems right.
And that's why I should know-
You're definitely all wrong for me.

But now it's a challenge,
And a puzzle.
I've got to find those words;
The ones that describe you.

They waltz,
Right around you.
Dancing
In rhythm.
Their costumes
Elegant and flowing.

Eye contact
Is avoided-
Except to their partners.
They twirl
And they spin
And laugh
Right in front of you.

Champagne,
Flows freely.
From bottle
To glass,
From glass,
To parched lips.

And they dance.
They dance harder.
And strangely,
With more ease.

The logic-
Like that of a dream;
The more champagne
The more intricate
Their dances become.
The more they laugh;
The more sober
You are.

The costumes
Appear to grow longer,
As the night
Stretches on.
The elegance fades
Into grotesque
Haunting themes.

The moon and stars
Gently blink out,
One by one.
But the sky doesn't light
The horizon with dawn.
The morning is still,
Yet ages away.
The sky,
Empty and black.

The champagne
Never ceases to flow.
The couples keep spinning
In and around,
This large
Marbled hall.

There you stand-
The only exhausted,
Itching to leave.
The exit hidden
By patrons unknown.

And you,
The only dancer,
Not dancing.