your hands are calloused
your knuckles raw
your mouth is ******
your opponent on the floor

your heart is broken
your mind is numb
you’ve given up on hope
you don’t know what you’ve become

your victories stem from pain
your power from dismay
your glory from rage
you always knew it’d end up this way

one more fight
one more scar
one more win
to remind you who you are

every now and then
in the middle of a fight
her laugh echoes in your head
it reminds you of the light

the light you once had in your soul
the light which he stole
the light which kept you sane
the light which kept you whole

the thought of her
makes you push harder and faster
memories of her touch
remind you of your happily never after

the last time you saw her
the last time you tasted those lips
you always knew it’d come to an end
but just not like this

so you go in for that extra punch
you train that extra night
you cross the limits one more time
you win every last fight

victory after victory
you’re going through the motions
only you and her know
that you’re devoid of emotion

for a hero you’re called
and a champion as well
the truth is, however,
that you’re just a bitter man going through hell

the night is bright
the moon is out
the devils are chained
the fast begins
~

and i know i've told you this story a million times but ****, man, it hurts. it hurts knowing that i have no one left, that maybe i am that girl who ends up alone in the end. it hurts knowing i don't really fit in anywhere and that guy at school told me that everyone thinks i'm a stuck up ***** and i guess maybe he's right but it hurts it hurts it really ******* hurts. it's weird because i used to dream about being this broken because it would be good for my poetry but now i'm broken and my poetry's still ****. they're asking me where i wanted to go for university and the answer is hold on, do i even want to go to university can i stand another four years in four walls surrounded by people who don't give a **** about me? i've done it all my life and i'm losing my mind i really don't wanna go down that road anymore, you know? i've been sleeping a lot lately and i wake up when it's dark and that helps i guess the drugs help me sleep but it's getting harder to find the motivation to wake up every single day i push the clock a little further thinking maybe this is it maybe this is when it all ends if i just sleep a little longer. the nightmares. the nightmares, they don't get any better and i wake up in the dark and i wake up all alone and i scream. for you. for help. for God. at some point between praying to you and praying to God i start mixing up names and i pray to you for God and i pray to God for you and i don't really know who i'm praying to anymore, really. maybe it doesn't matter. point is i'm struggling, i'm suffering, and if there's a chance, if there's a little bit of salvation hidden beneath the pebbles of my path: give it to me, please, save me somehow.

i am a paradox
i am a contradiction
i am an oxymoron
i am a hypocrite

i am a walking talking
"yes, no, maybe"

black one day
white the other
lingering between the two
because I have no morals
and I speak of fake values

never choosen a side
never made a concrete decision
my grand words oppose
my petty actions
and yet, still overshadow them
i sugarcoat them
with lame excuses for excuses

my faults are the night sky
the twinkling stars are but airplanes
polluting the purity
mistaken for a force of beautiful nature
when it is indeed
destructing
the good
destructing
the holy
with its very existence

i leap
from one pond
to the other
politically correct
depending on the situation

i am the northman
claiming to belong to the south

i am the liar
i am the lie

neither here nor there
never here
never there
*never anywhere

i try to hide
the pink of my *******
but my hands are too small
as one is covered
the other is exposed

(is there any point trying
to protect
this still purple heart of mine?)

i take refuge in the bunker
from wandering eyes
my skin it burns
like heated orange flames
from their gaze

my soles are busted black
from running so long, so far
my shoulders are browned
from fighting the sun

i am looking for a corner
i am looking for a hole:
dark solace

as a child i imagined my maidenhood
to be a pretty pure pink
but now my thigh are rubbed raw
and red drips down the white canvas
i am so tired

i wonder if the little spark of yellow youth
remains hidden deep within me

maybe if i follow the tunnel inside
i will find a reason to no longer hide

my struggle is coming to an end
as they catch up to me
i see the little green of burnt meadows
it empties into the stagnant blue of the murky waters

instead of giving in,
i give up.

into the blue-green i fall:
deep
deep
deeper yet still;

the rainbow blooms
the sky is clear
*i am gone.

was because I knew you didn't love me.*

[& somewhere in my heart, a voice said:
"ah, finally, someone who sees you as the worthless **** you truly are."*]

there must be a place where broken words go
the ones without a limb
not fully formed
not spoken right
not heard

there must be a place where broken words go
the sentences left uncompleted
the trailing words that never left the lips
the "but" and the "and"
that were always left hanging

somewhere between silence and speech
there must be a place where broken words go
full of stutters and writers block sufferers
somewhere between the "i love"
and the "you" that never followed
or the "wait"
that was whispered into the air
the "please come back"
that made peace with dying
on the corners of a turning mouth

there must be a place where broken words go
the words spoken but never heard
the letters written but never posted
the train of thought that crashed into the clouds
the words in the bottle that traveled the sea
but sunk to the bottom before it could ever reach

there must be a place where my broken words go
the stains on my diary that didn't come from a pen
and the letters on my thighs that don't make sense
the things i could never say
and the things i said that came out all wrong
all the broken alphabets in my song
that cry for salvation
for one more chance

there must be a place where broken words go
there must be a place i can call home.

i just miss you

you sleep with your hands between your thighs,
there's pain in your heart
&
**he's on your mind

for the longest time, i regretted not having a future with you. in my head were images of a small apartment on the 5th floor in new york city with beige interior and cups of half-finished coffee on the kitchen table: interrupted because our lips were busy doing something else, somewhere else. i created stories of early morning i love yous and wake up in the middle of the night i need yous. slowly intertwined within each of my regret-driven what-ifs was the idea of you being good, being loving, being kind and generous. brave and protective. idealistic and creative and ready to take on the world with me. i dreamed you so deep that i created a whole other you: one that i'm realizing now, never existed.
the delusion set in and i found myself loving a man that never was. i was so caught up with longing for you that i forgot who you really were. i wonder now, how could i forget? all the nights you'd keep me waiting and all the love you poured down the drain. how could i forget the beatings that drove me insane? maybe i'm not waking with the taste of kisses but at least there are no cuts. maybe i'm not missing you too much to eat but at least i'm not puking out my guts. you told me i was worthless and impure; and here i am yearning to be called yours?

God, oh, Lord, i dodged a bullet.

i heard the other day that you found someone new. its funny because she looks like me and i can see how you keep trying to find someone to fill my shoes. i want to reach out to her and tell her to run. he preys on the young and the innocent, i want to yell at the top of my lungs. he's making you laugh now but baby girl you'll just cry. you'll think i'm crazy for saying this and even though i hope you never do, i know you'll soon understand why. me and him, we both loved the same person and now you do too. he never loved me and he'll never love you. your fair arms don't deserve the bruises and your heart doesn't deserve the pain. you don't deserve to feel utter disgust at the sound of your own name. it took me 2 years and only now i can open my eyes. his "love" was just pleasure-seeking in disguise. he's intoxicating, i know, those big brown eyes. the way he bites his lip and the strength in his thighs. i see what you see in him and i'm telling you to run. i'm telling you, i'm saving you, it's something i wish for me someone had done. but i suffered and i broke and i felt each inch of the pain. i can't let anyone go through that again.

but i watch from a distance and i don't speak a word. i'm too afraid what you'd do to me if you heard. i need to grow past the fear and the hurt. but with the delusion inside me, i'm not sure how that will work. i suppose step by step, you get up and move on. but for now, i still feel my stomach twist when i hear our song. i've thrown out your things and i've opened my eyes. i know you were bad to me, i finally realize. it may take some time to go back to who i was, but at least, for now, i'm not disillusioned by your definition of love.

Her mind cracked at dawn break-

that box down there is too shallow;
give me something six feet deep
and 5 foot 3 inches wide

So small.
She was so small.
But the world was smaller.
It was the size of a blue pill.

from my high pedestal i fell
a beggar upon the streets

i am nothing; and nothing becomes me

.
give me a first time once again
give me a first shot at love again
give me a first before i relive my last
give me a present instead of giving me a past
.

rain dripped into my cup of coffee.

hear me.
heal me.

i look at her and i see innocence. a corrupt innocence. she is torn in subtle ways, unnoticeable unless they are unfamiliar. her scars are hidden behind a wall of silence. she has a quiet rage; she is the fearful, she is the feared. her touch is not gentle: it is fierce. it is unforgettable. she will burn through your skin. she will burn through your mind. she will consume you; she has been hungry for oh so long. her tears are hot, they stem from the fire in her heart which burns even brighter when she is in chaotic comfort. she tries to hide that seed of darkness but it just seems to grow. she tries to hide the blood on her hands but you can't wash away your mistakes.
many see her as arrogant, certain, magnificent: absolutely terrifying. only she knows what the scene looks like once the curtains close.
regret and misery.
mistakes. so many mistakes. she tries to fade into the background: a silent stain on the wallpaper. but her shocking eyes ignite the paper and set fire to everything she sees. she is indestructible- she is destruction. a simple flick of her auburn hair will make you fall to her feet. and she knows that. she knows it all too well. she knows the power she has over the hearts and minds of others. to them, she is a mystery. but she knows that she hurts everything she touches. the gloves won't keep away the knives that protrude from her fingernails. the bounds won't constrain her. she can't be tamed. she needs to ****. she needs to feed: slowly draining you of all you've ever loved. she's numb. she's waiting. she's lurking in the shadows: praying no one will stumble upon her personal hell (heaven?) but intrinsically  hoping some innocent will come her way and give into her sweetest desires.
i look at her pale skin and bleeding lips. i look at her eyes with galaxies, constellations, the zodiac and beyond. i look at the gentle sway of her hips. i look at the way her tongue licks the corner of her mouth. i look at the way her fingers curl in a deady excitement. i look at the way she speaks words of wonder; the final words they will ever hear.
i look at her: *and i see myself.

you occupy the cracks
in this broken heart of mine