what was easier?
leaving you or forgetting you?

You came into my life, closed my wounds and set me ablaze
Now,the fire has died,you're gone and the wounds have opened again.

so much drama
so much negativity
sadness everywhere
and I stand optimistic

Who knew our late night conversations would turn into confessions?
Kisses in the parking lot,
Hands intertwined,
the ink on our body fading,
I think I see the stars reflected in your eyes.
We laughed when we saw your demons drown
We could run away in just a ball gown.

They think it's just a phase
They call us insane
but they don't need to know anything.
They think we are sins
but they don't know what goes on within
They think that we are upto something.

We've been driving for 13 miles now
Who knows if they ever find out?
All I need is your everything.

I don't know how many of my brothers have died
I never met them

he told me he'd love me for a million years.
he took my hand and showed me the whole world.
a million years later, we remained the same. we were reduced to nothing but skeletal ashes.
still, our hands were linked together and our hearts continued to beat as one.
the ink on our skins had faded a long time ago. we were tied to each other with our promises.
he told me he'd love me for a million years.
he loved me for a million more

A,
I have never been a fan of letters.
I rewrote this multiple times.
but here it goes..
would you listen to me if I sang the same words to you in different melodies
or different words in the same melody?
would you giggle everytime I hold your hand?
or sing my favourite songs with me?
I'm thinking about you while writing this, you are in my thoughts.
you're a wonderful person amongst many other things
look at you now, scaling heights,conquering peaks.
isn't all of this fun?



I have forgotten what happened between us.
It's weird,
Two years have gone so fast.
I am better now. More versatile,angry and intuitive.
I restrict myself from feeling emotions.
I am try to make myself better every moment.
I have been self harm free for a year.
Sometimes, I sing.
I am strumming random chords in my head.
I listen to a German band now.
I have a crush on a Norwegian chess player
That's all about me, how have you been doing?
Did you get to visit the places you wanted to? Did you get any pets?
You're turning eighteen in May! That's awesome!
I am happy for you.

With rage and love,
J

Behind that fake smile
Behind those lies
Lie the distant echoes of my cries
Behind those frequent relapses
Lie my urge to recover
now give me some poison.
I am predictable in my unpredictability
I am trying to fight my melancholy
Behind that funny girl
Lies someone who wants to watch themselves burn

He tells me to paint him a picture,
paint it with strokes bold
I nod and cover the canvas in gold.
I throw some red in there to show my beating heart.
He knows nothing, not even our start.
Our love's purple, a war between red and blue.
When we dance, we're red
like the devil's tune.
We're splattered colours and broken palettes.
We sit at beaches waiting for our fates.
He could choke on his own cigarettes
but I won't leave him
till he tells me to paint another picture
with strokes bold
till the air in our rooms is no longer cold
till the fire has destroyed our pretty pictures
and his ashes cover my bones.

It’s 2:00 AM,
There’s a dangerous level of alcohol in my system
The only thought on my mind is you.
Your smile
Your laughter
Your kisses
You
And now i am drunk and angry that someone else has you

It’s 2:20 AM,
The stars have come out to play now
They watch me crying into a stranger’s chest and ranting about you
My mind can’t decide if I should let you go or let you stay
Remember when you asked me to write you a song? I am doing it now.

It’s 2:40 AM,
I vomited all of my dinner
And I kept thinking of you,
A stranger held my hand and promised me it’s gonna be okay.
A woman who I had just met told me about karma.

It’s 2:50 AM,
A Tibetan man bought us all beers,
And talked about a home he had never visited,
He is an alien on the papers and an Indian in his heart,
He knows all the secrets of the colony of refugees,
He knows his land just as much as I know you,
Enough to adore, not enough to make it a home.
The Buddhist flags, the stars, the cracked walls and smuggled liquor
know our story.
Do I leave a message for you here, hoping that you’d find it?
I don’t remember anything else from that hot, summer night.

It’s 3:00 AM,
My heart knows love the same way Tibet knows peace.
The man yearns for Tibet the same way I yearn for you.

It's so lovely to know that I haven't pressed the blade to my skin in a year.

Go on girl, use all of that photoshop to cover up your blemishes, dark circles and what not.
We all know that you're ugly inside.

She's a beauty
I am her breakdowns.
She smiles,
I turn it upside down.
I am a force that can't be taken down.
Yes,I lied.She cries
Broken necklaces and rusted rings.
I tell her we'll be all right.
Broken, yet she sings.
She's a beauty.
I am her breakdowns.
When the world's screams,
I will drown the sounds.

Pointing the gun on my head.
Thinking that it could be a big mistake.
No one would care If I am dead.
Maybe they will celebrate.
I take one last breath,
knowing that they will
find me in my bed.

I glance down at the bottle of pills,
Consume a little bit more of it and it kills
I don't see my life going forward from this point,
Tired of being spun around like the useless coin.
Wonder how do these pills taste,
a little by little I put them all in my mouth
and hope to forgive myself for this big mistake.

The razor's on my wrist.
Today I am gonna quit.
My memories are shattered.
My face is battered.
Tired of being called ugly
Tired of being called fat.
I want to die but no one knows that.
Tomorrow I will be gone.
Find me, among those shattered bones.
Meeting people like me.
and people who don't  judge.
My death won't be an answer to this.
I keep the razor down.
Thinking it was a big mistake.

A/N: I wrote this when I was like 12 so yeah its kinda ******...

I pick up a pen
to let my emotions flow
The ink has dried
The paper remains empty.

I cry.

I have seen him
inside and out
Scanning every being around him,
pacing nervously and cracking a joke to lighten the mood.
But he posseses fire
Lifting him upwards
He can tear the pages of heaven
and I have seen his eyes,
filled with desire,
they are brown with a streak of fire

You strip and scream in the pillow of your king size bed.
Something about life being too hard
or your girlfriend's unfaithfulness.
Somoene's outside your door
or maybe under the tree.
They know what their future is
and their prospects are bleak.
'I don't want to eat because I am so depressed. '
Well, how about handing over that food to someone who has been going hungry to bed.
You are never thankful for what you have.
Let's solve this without any animosity
We all have days which are bad.

I have seen the citylights
I have seen the people cringe with the pain
You and I know that this system is to be blamed.
It's time that the government has shown their true face.
Those schemes are probably gonna fail.

Unclean water, improper waste disposal
it's time we return back to our own morals.
I don't mean to be abrasive
but it's time we face it.
The rich are getting richer
watching poor men die
You get the picture
Divided by an imaginary line.

Some charities are a scam
'Please help us fund the education of the kids affected by the floods.
We have no proof where the money goes.
Our logic is ******. '

Traffic lights changing colours
Wait?  Did someone break that one again?
That's a ******
No one knows where they are going
as long as the cash is flowing
So many around the world starve to death
'What the hell did you put in this lasagna? A rotten egg?'

Your emotional security us important
and so is your money.
You can enjoy as many luxuries
but remember to think of the less fortunate.

i don't know if my outsides are cold
or inside.
this heart always shivers
when it hears a name.
i am a body which never felt warmth
i am someone who controls their wrath.
i see the enemy with the coward's heart on their cloth
even when i am cold
every battle is meant to be fought.

Dear Earth,
You were once so beautiful,
you still are
You know that I prefer to call you Gaia,
Mother of Titans,giants and heavenly gods
I believe I can tell you everything
after all, I am your child.
I don't know how I feel about him
it's been a year since I fell for him
it's been six months since I promised myself that I will move on.
I didn't.
I don't talk to him anymore, but the thought of being with a wonderful person like him is just something which I can't let go off.
We are opposites, Mother
I play with words and experiment with melodies
He plays with melodies and experiments with words.
He doesn't feel the same way,
he told me that.
He is possessive, led by his dreams
and I wish him nothing but the best
I don't see us together anymore
but he still haunts my head
*why?

this is an open letter
and i pray you never find it
because sometimes you just fail to see how deeply i feel things

i don't think i give you enough credit for being there for me and putting up with my ****,
so here's an official thank you

i ask myself very often, why was i drawn to you?
why can't i tolerate others for minutes but can talk for hours with you

i secretly wish things would've worked out between the two of us
i secretly wish we give it another try
but i guess it is what it is and spilled ink over my pages can't explain that

my friends think i deserve better,sometimes i think i do too
they think you act like a **** and don't value me
maybe they are right

sometimes i curse myself for thinking so much about you,
antagonize myself because i care too much about you
but
i like my choices and i hope you like yours

x

Oh John Green!
Why must you see me this way?
You make me weep
and wish they would live another day.
You are so witty
but you do lack certain skills
Killing the main character is so unfriendly
But chocolate will solve the problem anyway
You make me think a lot of things
but they don't have a lasting effect
I know you throw a lot of paper in the bin
But in all due honesty
I feel like setting you ablaze.
Much love,
J

When death permeates our mind and soul, we die much before death actually occurs

Dark, thin figures
floating in the sky
eating away every bite of happiness
no enough time to let out a cry
letting the darkness close in
until you're hollow
they are free
with no one to follow
I am emotionless, I will consume you
I dance on the grounds of Azkaban
no eye sockets, a hollow mouth and scabbed grey skin
Allow me, to come closer
and give you a kiss
My very existence seems to displease you
you alter the air with negativity
I shall fight you back
But I have no limbs!
I hover above the ground
I will through you in an ocean
so deep
that you cannot swim
I won't let your negativity blind me
Quit boasting your inane abilities
Let me summon my Patronus
and I will rise with chivalry
E X P E C T O  P A T R O N U M!
Watch my Dragon drive you away
You filth of an amortal creature
Now I shall eat some chocolate to cleanse the stain

{Trigger warning; self injury}

it's time
for me to end it all
it's time to cut off the parts which meant nothing at all
i will force myself
to go down a dark hole,
visit my past and feel the pain all over again.
i will watch myself
struggle to breathe
as my demons **** me
as my fears choke me
as another sword pierces my heart
as i destroy everything right from the start.

Dear men,
You are not emasculated when you are gentle to a woman.
You are not emasculated when you can't control your child's behaviour
You are not emasculated when you get a vasectomy done
You are not emasculated when you stand up for a woman, no matter how old she is.
You are not emasculated when you support gender equality.
You are not emasculated when you choose to not drink and drive
You are not emasculated when your lifestyle choices are different from that of your friends.

I am a feminist who believes that man and woman have equal roles in the society.

If you think women are weaker,  I fail to comprehend you and I m not going to waste my time explaining you the basics of how to be peaceful and respecting one another.

Sincerely,
Someone who wants a change, and is doing their part in it.

"Wake up!, it's six thirty already!"
I groan and get out of the bed
only to know that she woke me an hour early

and now the four of us
are like strangers.
with our secrets,we don't let them look past the curtains.
we smile for the pictures and act like we're perfect.

Everytime I look at you,

My heart skips a beat.

In this lost city of dreams,

we are the ones who roam here without a clue.

It's weird how we never talked

but now we stay up every night

Hoping to see each other's face in the light,

and watch you hold my heart which you caught.

Let's light this place with the fire in our eyes

We are lost birds but yet we continue to fly.

The spark of rebellion inside us refuses to fade.

Go ahead and try,

We will never be trapped in chains.

Maybe someday we might forget how we used to be

begging to the cold hearted for mercy.

Memories of yesterday will live on in our minds,

we vowed to change the world

and never pick up a fight.

So here's to us and promises to last forever,

it may take us a while

but we will escape from this glimmer.

Metal permeated into her skin
Needles containing ink poked her
She moaned in pain.

It was the only way she could forget him.

i asked you the meaning of your name
and you said it means
the stalk of a lotus.
i think of all the times you bloomed before me,
thriving despite the negativity.

i didn't know what compassion meant
until i met you,
as i raged, wept and cried in despair,
you waited and held my hand.
i had forgotten what vulnerability meant
until i met you.
you showed me that we often love the wrong people,
we often show them the sides of us they never wanted to see.

the lawns of the school of economics
hold the memory of us bonding
over broken hearts and broken knees.
we laughed when our insides were breaking,
we tried to heal each other's wounds,
hoping that our words would be of some comfort for scars
left by former lovers.

we learnt how bad unrequited love hurts together.
when the spring arrived, i cried over a boy who never loved me.
you cried over a man who pretended to love you.
the commuters on the train may have overheard us maundering
did grief bring us closer?

i remember the sound of your laughter
during our phone calls.
i probably said something about my ex and his small *****,
your ex and karma. oh and our discussions on karma,
i can't wait till she gets me.

i remember when you held me tight
and promised me that it was going to be okay.

with time,
i have learnt to let go of certain memories
but i know i won't let go of you.

I hate this air which are compelled to breathe
We are trapped in the clutches of pollution
If I don't breathe this air
I will die
but now that I am breathing this air
I am dying
Gaia will poison us all
for what we did to her

ashes cover my bones

i stare at the fire i started

my past lies behind me

my swords are not blunt anymore

my shield is destroyed

smoke rises up

blinding the rest of the world

slowly, i rise

i stand amidst my remains

naked and pure,

stronger and wise,

my swords are not blunt anymore

now,i watch my story unfold

I came here to write a goodbye letter
but then i couldn't type a single thing -
so here it is,

Goodbye.

another bullet fired
another one killed
how am i supposed to react?
do i write a speech on gun control? do i condemn a gunman's actions i could never fathom?
should i think of the ones who won't live to see another day?

another gun loaded
another life scarred
let me write a Facebook post about the victim
let me take a deep breath and articulate my feelings
and wonder why a young woman who was living her dream have to die in front of her brother and fans