Recovery will be behind me.
I will learn how to not be so angry.
Falling asleep won't be the hardest part of my day.
All of the scars will have faded away.
Conversations will be easier to start.
I will look in the mirror and recognize art.
Hospitals won't be a scary place.
Home will be a familiar space.
I will look back and I will understand,
that pain and growing come hand in hand.
One day, I'll be stronger than ever before,
and I'll have this moment to be thankful for.
Beauty is she
The one who holds my heart
It is with her
That I do not wish to part
She left flowers on the inside
Put oxygen in my lungs
Gave me a forever
Of intertwined tongues
She painted my future
Beginning to end
Starting with the broken past
She chose to amend
So as long as she loves me
The flowers will stay
And the oxygen in my lungs
Never will stray
There are two calories in the glue of a U.S. postage stamp
Breathing burns thirty-eight an hour
And a 100 calorie snack pack hold enough pieces to honestly say I ate every two hours
I tell you my circulation is bad, worsened by dehydration
But all I consume is water and to me my blue fingers are beautiful
I laugh and move as much as I can to mask my shivering
In the sunlight
You say you love the light in my eyes
I don't mentions the death behind them
You tell me I'm sexy
I count my ribs to see if it's true
The first time I scared you was the hundredth time I fainted
After a six day binge on diet soda and vodka my body decided it didn't need to breathe
I looked dead anyway
Asked you what was wrong
You were paler than me, out of breath, tears staining your cheeks
You watched my skeleton corpse rise
I force fed you promises of recovery while you force fed me meals
Little did you know they both went down the toilet half an hour after dinner
In the morning I google how many calories are in Adderal
It's Zero so I pop my fourth one today
Tie up my sneakers
I haven't slept in a week
Who needs sleep when a runners high, any high, is so fulfilling
You caught on
Took my shoes, my little blue pills
You cooked me healthy food, guarded the bathroom after meals
Eventually I gained weight
Learned to love my curves
Yo bought me new shoes, paid for a gym
One day I found my addiction sitting next to my toothbrush
I realized it wasn't my frailness that concerned you but the fact that a fat partner looked worse than a defective one
You didn't care if I was ill
You cared if I was pretty
I know you're lonely and tired of being by yourself. You just want someone to give you attention and at this point you are taking whatever you can get. But damn I hope you wait for him. Wait for the boy that doesn't think he deserves a girl as good as you. Wait for the boy who remembers little things you told him during late night conversations. Wait for the boy who knows that you prefer juice boxes to bags and chicken strips to burgers. Wait for the guy who will drive you around with one hand on the steering wheel and the other in your hand. Wait for the guy who will listen to a song on the radio he doesn't even know just so he can listen to you sing along to it. Wait for the guy who's going to treat you like his princess. Don't give pieces of your heart away to everyone who comes walking your way, you deserve so much more.
I'm pretty sure these curtains are made of old denim that once gripped onto another human being's veins
But when I see these scratchy teal curtains with a meticulously hidden yellow stain, I no longer see the days that I occupied in which the carefully constructed tears in the fabric of my jeans matched the unnatural ripping sound of my shirt on the night that I thought the world would end
Instead I see the possibility of new stains that don't feel like ghost stories, but instead tales of unfortunate mishaps to find laughter and lessons in
The first time I ever remember genuinely feeling overwhelmed with heart wrenching sadness with no lesson attached, I was seven years old and laying in a bunk bed
Here I am eleven years later, in a new home away from home and we're back to twin beds and chutes and ladders
But when I see these bunk beds now I don't think of the days where fear weighed down my brain with such a dread that I could barely lift my head to peer over the edge, paralyzed with terror and thoughts about how much it would hurt to fall
Instead I think of the risk I took by jumping into the unknown, daring pain to catch me but trusting that it wouldn't, and in return finding someone to catch me down below with hands like pillows and eyes like oak trees
That boy with the oak tree eyes has a heart full of sunshine that never burns
He gave me a plant the other week and it took my breath away
It's a simple succulent with stripes like a tiger and stems like garden snakes emerging from the ground
A brief thought flashed through my mind that I am not often trusted with living things
It was so hard for me to believe for such a long time that a person who could not take care of herself could manage to care for another
But when I looked up at the miraculous enigma of a person standing in front of me, handing me a living thing to love along side his own self, I was overwhelmed with the understanding that I have always been able to care and to love and to prosper, even though I had so often doubted my own competence
That plant sits on the desk in my dorm room now, living quietly next to my first aid kit and box of food
Time is agonizing and it makes fools of us all more often than not
I have felt stuck in a never ending carousel of pain more than I'd like to admit
But here I am, with my feet firmly on the ground
And the words "it gets better" window stained on my forehead,
reminding all of you that there is hope everywhere
Sometimes we just have to shine light on it
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran
That quote inspired what I wrote because pain is a constant in this cruel world
And in all reality our pain is inspired by the struggles we've gone through, so it may not be easy but to medicate and starting the process of healing is on you. Others may have caused what you're going through but it's up to you to make it better, because even if it's raining now there's always a chance for better weather
some of us wait forever for 'better'
it has been promised to us so many times like a sweet, sweet lie
just hold on longer,
a little bit longer
(you can't get better if you don't want to)
do you know how badly i want to?
but i can't sit here and wait forever for 'better'
i don't have forever
i'm racing the clock for the day when i will no longer be afraid
when i give up on 'better'
then i will truly be better
I remember that feeling
that heavy weight I held
just wanting to die already
but being terrified of hell
I was suicidal
but only in my mind
I could never make my body commit that selfish, wanted crime
my breathing had no point
and my life felt like death
I couldn't see past the pain that I wanted to forget
"you'll always be alone" kept ringing through my head
telling me that all would be fine when I was finally dead
I just wish I could travel back
and tell me where I am
out of that black hole
and into life again
they say it gets better
which is hard to believe
but I now can testify
that it rang true for me