I have been doing really well,
Doing so well, that nobody knows about my episodes.
The stale paint scent of my depression
Haunts me like the ghost of my adolescence.
Its back, and it wasn’t welcome to come back
I did not give out an invitation to the party that I am not hosting
It creeped back, it wasn’t supposed to come back
But here it is.
Weighing on my shoulders,
With boulders of anxiety and the promise of a bleak and meek future
That I am trying so hard not to obtain.
Fighting, everyday to stay busy, to stay sane
But its back.
And I just wish it would go away.
Shopping only helps the pain
in the moment
standing in the check out line
These overpriced, on sale Uggs, only make it better in the store.
But when I get home,
The only thing that understands me
Is the needle with the record spinning

Sometimes I think that my depression fuelled my creativity.
And now that the dark times don’t need the help of bottles,
I cant help thinking that I running on empty, and I got nothing left to say.
Chasing the pain that is so deep within me, and the **** that shaped me
The images I made with my words and pens
Are nothing but a memory of a sad and lonely 20 something

But the clouds have broken, the rain is letting up, and the sun is peeking through
And all I have are the curiosities of what happens if I start drinking like I did.

I am no longer eligible for the 27 club, and Ill never be famous
And the hurt that I try to remember, will not make those images brighter
It will only hurt my friends and my mother.

So here is a sober, conscious attempt at poetry, trying to find my voice
Without the glass containers that used to help me forget.

Do you ever feel so ugly in your own skin?
Where you pinch and grab at your physical reasons to hate yourself
All the taunts and cruel phrases relive in your jiggles
You fad diet yourself into comfort,
Only to be reminded of your deep scars as you catch a glimpse in the reflection
You strive for societal perfection as you let yourself slip into a cracked version of someone you were
The fear that happiness is gone for good
And this is all that's left

I thought this was over
I never think to bring it up
I buried it down sealed the coffin and tied it up
I didn’t think that it would come back
Out of nowhere, and in class
I didn’t think you were still on top of me

I don’t remember it
So, I tell myself it didn’t matter
I don’t remember, so it didn’t happen

11 years later, and I didn’t say yes
11 years later, I didn’t give you consent
you took my innocence from me that night
while my friends continued to forget, you put me to bed

I feel ashamed, that you got away with it
That after you were done with me, she laid with you next
16 never felt like yesterday until this morning

11 years and you still haunt me
I never talk about it, I never remember it
Because I didn’t remember
You violated my sunflower
You made me broken

11 years later, I still didn’t say yes
11 years later, I never gave consent

The moon is so bright tonight
The black velvet sheet of the night
is riddled with stars

Patiently waiting, for lightyears to come
For us to see the stars light fade
Until we can not wish upon them
And the sky is sure to turn to shade

When does this feeling go away?
The longing, the feeling of loneliness
The tune of heart quench
I am not unhappy, I am content in my loneliness
I am fair play in the reckless game
I am me
But,
How I crave to have an ever after
I desire we

When you have no pockets to put your lighters in
And your nails are too long,
You find yourself on the balcony staring off
Staring off into the night sky

That soft, deep sea blue cast across your skyline

You catch a thought,
You think,
The simple things,
A glowing read star, could be mars

The thoughts I think, Smoking on my balcony

Beware of Slender man
Mother Dearest, Dead
Trapped with the thoughts in my head
I wanted to be free, lean into the wind and breathe
But life isn't easy for me
It's difficult for me to believe
I'll be okay

Why do we fear the darkness?
Is it the fact that the complete absence of light shows us our worst fears?
The vacant stare of emptiness takes hold of our paranoia and turns it round to face us standing tall?
The shadows our eyes tell us are there, dance and whisper to us saying in the dark there is fear.
The slow, silent venture as the sun slips behind the curve and we sit in our black, scared to death of what we can not see.
Or is it the fact that in darkness there is no colour of which to paint our dreams?
To be patiently waiting in the stillness of nothing.

All my cigarettes cant create all these moments that I crave
The smoked out thoughts, and careless talks
Leaves me breathless, in the kitchen

You never see what I want to show
All the taped up glass, masking the broken teacups
The roads unlit, the day sweeps into dusk
Alone in my self;
crowded with all these cracked dishes

Never able to let the cloth catch the dust
The last meal, has reached the minute hand
Through the window, a single star staring
Watching me inhale, as the smoke covers the broken cups

I want to write
Sometimes I just want to write
Pen and ink, sight a beautiful sight
Create images, of dancing twilight
Ships sailing into the horizon
Wishing pennies in a fountain of
Wise hopes,
A kind bloke, seeking solace
And a clean robe
To seek shelter
And unwind of sorts

You broke my heart, and you didn't even know why, I refused to tell you, because, I thought you should see, a glimpse, of what my perspective, could, would be. But you didn't, and I grew distance, I love feircely, but you hurt me. When I cried for help you straight up, didn't show up, and abandoned me. You hurt me, you are my sister, and let a great man, block you, of your sight to see, your best friend, was in her greatest time of need; you are selfish you see, your happiness and sense of wonderness, blinded your understanding, that I just wanted a place to land, some kind of familiar ground, to have a shoulder, to cry on, and lie down,

I love you, but no words, right now, suite you,
And I have been so close to you

I need a chance to be on my own,
Play rummy, and carry on

Go to bed Adelle
It's 20 to 4, in the morning Adelle
Smoke this cigarette, Adelle
You're drunk, Adelle
Sipping red wine, Adelle
What are you doing, Adelle?

Hiding with bottles, Adelle
Smoking bongs, Adelle
Playing denial, like a game, Adelle

It's only you, Adelle
Trust and all that ****, you, Adelle
Be you, Adelle

Smoke that smoke, Adelle
Drink that glass of wine, Adelle

Just don't go crazy, Adelle

Be yourself, Adelle

Learn your limits, and stay with in it, Adelle

You should probably sleep, Adelle

Watch jersey shore, and pass out,  Adelle

Your life consists of working hard hours, for not enough pay, hard days
Good, great people
But nothingness consoles you at the end of the day
Nothing to live for and nothing to fight for
You have become a waste of space
You don't contribute
You second guess
You

All the time fighting the same battles
Your heart, your tongue, and your liver, your mind set and your waist line
You are so far removed what you wanted ten years ago

Fell into a pattern of pay cheque to pay cheque

Living through decisions and then later, they're regrets

You need a huge change. It is scary, but dockside was the best decision you have ever made

Step outside, from your shredded sheltered comfort zone, and branch out a little more

Do what you always knew you were born to do!

Go take photographs, that mean something

Make your life important again

Not another bottle and not another regret

Do what you want to do!

Go to war, take pictures

Make your life mean something

I am hopeful now
Walking the seawall straightens me out
The clouds and the waters
One foot in front of the other

Walking the seawall
To my day to day
The choices I've made

One foot in front of the other
Dogs on leashes
Babies in strollers
Or on daddies in front

The seawall
Windy and peaceful
One foot in front of the other

Birds eat
Fresh crab meat
The circle of life
Tug of war
One foot in front of the other

Runners run.
Cyclists, bike
Childs play

The walk to work
One foot in front of the other

Couple to help me fall asleep
Couple to make me less socially awkward
Couple because it's something to pass the time
To help unwind

Loud people yelling in kingsgate
Then the faint stare of nighttime noises
Dog chains, house keys
Then nothing

City silence
Ambient sounds
Quarter to one
Bikes are closer than the cars

Smoking my last cigarette
The city bows out
A well oiled machine
Inhale, exhale now

I am a shell
Someone I used to know
A memory of a shattered soul

I used to be someone
Who had something to say
Someone had an opinon

I used to see the day
Sunlight, on my face
The clue clouds
And even sometimes, the rain

I used to

I am a shell now
So many burns and horror stories
So many heartbreaks
My chest of drawers
My infinite sorrows
I let them go unnoticed

They never see the surface
I hide them on purpose

I am shell now
An empty home
Looking for a new place
A new place to hang my hat
And loved

I am a sad person
I always see the dim light
I never try to be the down guy
Somehow I just find the bad kind

I can love forever
I'll bend over backwards
But I can't let go, of the household backyard

My childhood was hard
I spent days in the gym
Countless hours, pushing up
To get away from them
So I could escape him

My home life wasn't great

I seem to always see the dim light
Always seem to wish on a hopeless star
Of some place, wide, vast and far

Just a crack

A door, ajar

I cant sleep,
Thoughts keep floating around my brain
Thoughts of you, mostly thoughts of how I am going to **** this up
Thoughts, of when you'll leave me

Everyone tells me this is a good thing,
Everyone tells me this is a good thing

But I cant help feeling this is the start of something terrible
Because if I fall, fall hard, for you
I'll have something to lose,
And that something would be you

well, time to time
i think if, maybe our timing was wrong
if, we both needed to grow,
and be on our own

from time to time, i think this is so

and you know my funeral song
and, i, know your favourite show

oh, if knew only know
that i, i am waiting
for you to come home

I light my smoke, as it all comes back to me
My ex was here, right there, beside me
Beers and red wine, will see

Cigarette time, passed bed time
We will see

He left

Some sense of wonder
Some sense of, if and when
He will ever ponder,
The fact,
That we belong

Because he knew my favourite song
And because we can tolerate us

Learn how to grow and uh
We found common ground
Between us
And how
We always seem to find
A little love between us

I use substances
To plan an escape
To run away
With not even moving

Turn off my mind
My brain gets loud
All the wrongs I have done
All the times I was let down

I feel everything, and everything and everything

I leave these emotions, these pieces of my history
       Safe

Hidden behind, humour, hidden behind, lust, hidden behind, trust

I feel everything

And most of the time I want it to stop
And I fill up that cup
Take one more shot
Because everything I got

Reminds me of what I am not

The path has narrowed
And these tears haven't dried
You are different, the tide has changed its course

The second life, has hidden your true self and a mirror image has taken over
But it doesn't sound like you

My heart has experienced more anguish than love
My pain is deep, more than failed plans
Opposite *** oppositions

These scars are here, they don't show up in the notes
They just swim around in my mind
Front stroke, back stroke
Glass after glasses
I always look for you

But these etched patterns have cracked
The trace you left, is all but a big mess

And time is all over and over,
Rinse and repeat
Time is not forgiving

I'm on my own again

I get drunk to forget myself
And for a little while, pretend I am someone else
Tortured souls feel the most
And me myself and I, don't mean to boast
But I've seen all the coasts

Swallowing me up whole
Pretty words don't mean much when I constantly drink in the ugly
I used to think alone was better
That if I was the one to hurt me
It would feel better than leave myself open for someone to scar me

But the winter winds are blowing from the skies
And this autumn jacket lining is frail and thin

Sipping on bottles of reoccurring notions
Soaring through broken promises

Don't leave me lonely
One foot, another day
Once more, the hallowing wind

I am trying to sleep, but I can't sleep
My mind is caught up with the last words you said to me,
You put phrases into my mouth, words that were never said
Your tunnel vision has you confused and misled

I wish I could find humour in how you shifted
Changed the song and left me alone
Everyone leaves me in slime
To fight off the dogs with a dull knife
A stitched up heart muscle

I really never thought, you would be the one whose hands, the blood was on
I thought those couple hours I needed you would be enough
They would have

If you even bothered to show up

I can't remember when I starting running
Or what I was running from,
Just kept the earth under my feet
as I kept moving on

Be like the wind, go where you're blown too
Oh, twenty-five steps to the west,
I am bird without a sense of direction
Without a home, with no nest

Running away,
Saved me from loss and kept my self made wall intact
Only seeking solace from leather bound lines and spilt ink
When I look over my shoulder, nothing there, to look back at

These walls I have built, and these races I have run
Kept me safe from others,
Kept me whole, and running
Cities one right after the other

And now I am here, music for my heart
And words for my soul
Collecting memories I missed out on
And lovers that went wrong

Run,
I just run

It is funny how we can get to be ourselves with strangers
Our complete truest version of us
No guards up and no painted window panes
To be able to stare through, untainted reflections

Our deep dark secrets and or biggest fears
To confess them in rapid succession
And not feel the need to hold back

It is funny, how we need to hide away ourselves
From the ones who love and know us best
Constantly dancing around the fullest truth of truths

Strangers don't know us, nor do they probably even care
The obligatory third party
Just sit and listen

Let the masks drop, and the honestly flourish
Online profiles make for free therapy
And self awareness

Love is a fickle thing,
It’s all around, in the small details
Sometimes it’s just a bit harder to find for some people
But it is there, hiding in the bushes or underneath your pride and fear

I found out, you got to let it find you,
You cannot go look for it; it doesn’t quite work that way
It finds you when you need it too

When you’re ready to be yourself and comfortable in your own skin
It will find you then

When you least expect it, it will creep up on you
And life as you know it will be over

Hopelessly romantically over
Love actually does exist

The girl with the book, sitting alone at the bar
Sipping her 16oz glass, head in her pages

A quiet moment, surrounded by strangers
To be alone in your head, but programmed to be present in the normality of reality

To write in a public space but to avoid conversation
But welcome it, when it presents itself

To live without a penalty of, if, things don’t go your way,
Or to have the lines and be able to overthrow them

To meet new friends and be introduced to others

And to find out that we all need a quiet moment
In the middle of strangers

My brain is mush
My head is pain
My thoughts seem to flourish under rain

My hands shake
And my skin, cold
I am young
But feel incredibly old

Inhale the smoke
breathe in and out
stains on my skin
and feel in your doubts

Exhale your quos
Like the night
And your nightmare of woes

Fall down, in a blanket of leaves
The feel of a stale breeze

Shiver in the presence of fall
Drink, another one, you just

Succumb to it all

The picnic bench foils under the body weight of my half drunk self
There is a cat cuddling up to me, with her tail

Pink Floyd plays in the background, as the cat brushes up against my legs
Brings a feeling like something of the loch ness Nessie

Shirley sits beside me, watching the night sky
And focussing on my presence and cigarette smoke

I pet her, and she stays
Smoke and inhale
The cars bustle by

The final places of another busy day
The wall is built and she stays beside me

But she now has disappeared
Inhale, exhale
Smoke my smoke
And drink my 4th beer

To be unable to sleep without a drink in my system
To be unable to feel love, but seek it
To not know what beholds for me
But crave something

I feel so incredibly alone,
Summer is over and my birthday is tomorrow
I feel so low, all time low
I need something to believe in,
A war to fight for
To serve a purpose other than plating overpriced proteins

I feel stuck, unable to get myself out of this rut

It is 6 in the morning and I haven't slept yet
Im not tired
Falling skies and exposed bricks

Life has proven to be hard for me
I feel it all, everything I've done wrong
But I just cant let love feel

I am so incredibly alone

I refuse to let the party die
I never want the high to go away
The thrill of being able to say,
What you want to say

And in that moment
You figure out
That you're drunk,

Come, monday
You'll be in a single, twin bed
Waking up to a phone alarm
Wondering how you ended up here
Miles away from home

The glass isn't broken, it's cracked and chipped and leaking everywhere

It's loosing volume and life unravels
Having good times, unwinding
It's become a time not worth
Remembering
It's not hide and seak

It's **** up or shut up


My fingers are going numb
Arm is falling asleep
Times to close my eyes

One more late night excursion
One more one night stand
With yet another wrong one

The wind blows me around like a plastic bag
Circles me around floating high above

Feet searching for the end of the bed
Trying to stand on solid hardwood

I don't know or I can cease to remember how I got here
How these are things that occupy my mind
How to cross the street and wait for the light to green
To convince myself
I need liquid courage
To let these moments manifest in my thick presence

I am different, hardly recognize me
I've changed, and I don't think I like this mirror image of what I would be
Compared to who stares back at me

He goes to the basement, without a word he flys
To grab a sufficent sourse of numbness
To write freely and speak not so clearly
But to engage of times of the unknown and times of Modern times
The weather tide, the things of our demise
And the music rides, and the glass clinks
Goodbye to on time
hello to sweet dreams highs

Rummy is a card game
*** isn't for the hard weak
It's not win to fame when you're
Slugging back ***

It's not fun, it gags and try's to overthrow your reflexes
To misconcept your reasons
Why *** is for pirates and not for mere kitchen writers

When you spend all your money
And people crowd around
And pull your phone
Girls night out
And your best friend is talking to her boyfriend
And you're standing alone
Seems to be the only thing you've known
Roxy Cabaret  Sundays
Holding your bottle and facing these demons
As you're friends forget you're home
The country beat drops and
You still feel too drunk to be this alone

Spiny jellyfish
Tucked in her curves
Twinkles her tentacles
At the sun
Rising with the waves
That make her go every which way
To the east or to the west
She just goes with the flow
Letting the current pull her through
The oceans pressure and blow holes
Spineless jellyfish
Drifts through the waters,
To the left and to the right
And floats with the waves
In an endless sea of time

I think too much about this Lego House
And that the life I am leading is causing me the strife I deal with today
I feel too much, take everything in and store it,
Never let it surface
I hate conflict and fighting but it's taking over the vacant parts of me
And I am boiling over because of petty things
I feel it all, these houses and these walls
I want to slam this door shut
Watch the timber snap
The trap door to freedom
But I can't find an exit
Bursting to find an out
I am locked in these cages of 1556

Make up, on silk clothes
And those crazy one stand offs
And the times of soggy sandwhiches
And the years in our hair,
Could have been the tears from our tongues

The thing that conquers me the most
Is the things we cannot achieve,
The notches in and under our sleeves
The nights we conceive, the things we never need
The winds and the trees,
Its time to remember, nights like these

We used to be so close, under a blanket of clothes
We spent our days weighing the empty promises
And bottling up petty regrets and draining sorrows
It was really never all that perfect,
The stuff you remember was mine,
And the things I can not forget was all on you

Screaming, yelling, into stained reflections,
Mirrors telling me there is still some way of a connection
Mattresses against the wall, been curled up in a ball
Between the mattress and the wall

Everyone needs a place to be vulnerable
Find a time to sit down and try to be perfect
I am sick, sick of pretending we were meant to be
But I cannot get rid of you, and you still stay in my mind

Because I cannot let things go, I ponder, and dwell for far too long
And too long has been too long, and my life is spinning by
And I cannot seem to stop spinning
Our lives are no longer intertwined
And Ill be stepping aside,
Because our drive has subsided

And for the first time,
Ill still be able to look at you,
Where the pieces fall,
When the pieces fall,

True Romance
What is that?
I think I had it, Once.

I let it go, thinking it would come back
It didn't
It died,
And now I'm alone

****** up not knowing who or what I have become or who I want to be
Pushed around, saying okay to these things people say
Because I don't know me,
And I don't know how to find me
Just trying to survive, to get by
Hoping my life will start
Tomorrow, on a different sea
A different way to be
It's only a couple more days
Till my life will start in the UK

I lost a friend last night,
One too many pointless fights
Made me realize,
Its about time you let go

It has been a rocky two years
I’ve seen pleasure but all I see is tears
Yelling through window pains
Reflecting me watching me walk away

I’ve put this in front of everything else
I trusted you with myself
But we couldn’t make the world turn
And now youll become another notch in my belt

I hope I will be able to find some peace
And be able to find the pieces,  that you chipped away
Bring them back together again
Find those old love affairs with my best friends
Remember the days of late night walks and shirts for dresses
Out with the old, and in with no more heartache of a drunken ***** mess

This is what is left. A few simple lines turn into phrases
And this chapter has closed, but I will turn all these pages
And erase these memories that you do not possess
Because my book is far from read.

Love & Illusion, do you know in magic?
Do you think that we could be more than tragic?
Bartender, pour me another
I see you, seeing me
Buy me another shot
And lets try this another time, Ill be here waiting for this to start
The past is all over and over
My heart still beats the same
But not for you
Bartender give me another number

Someone is calling for me
When i close my eyes it sounds like you
Across the room, I see you
Seeing me too

Pour me another glass
I am stuck on this stool, until you tell me to go
But i am stuck staring at you

Don't leave me alone, in this bar
It doesn't seem that wrong
If you could take me home

This world I see before me
Full of flowers and blossom trees
Sometimes these nights get so dry
Watching the stars go by

Twisted bones and a twist of luck
Never wanted this all that much
Reach for the stars and youll land on the moon
Its time for my dreams to start coming true  

Another day spent getting up before dawn
Attempting to be perfect, two hours later its wrong
Breaking bones burning skin
And one year later, I am still not fitting in

I want to work for my silver lining
So tired of cooking, all it was, was timing
Step outside the comfort zone,
I wont take the easy road

Pick up the pen, put down the spoon
Writing before dawn, still going around noon
This is what I want to do,
Its time for my dreams to start coming true

In this valley, of evergreen and blue skies
This is the place where I ran away to let my old self die
Let rest of that adolescence
Raise from though chains and ashes

I am on my way to something to call home
A place when I can put my feet up and be alone
Hiding from the people and lights
Maybe this time I can sleep through the night

Maybe this time I would put up a fight

I am going forward to an unknown place
Drowning in cigarettes and bottles of broken space
Whiskey breath and yellow stains
Off kilter and swaying lanes

Maybe Ill be alright, Ill be alright

I am finding my steps, my footing
It usually starts to work when you’re not looking
Close my eyes and see what this world is giving
Promise myself to live a life worth living

If I don’t try, all my friends will go away,
All my dreams will melt away
Oh,
What a day is today
What a day such as change

You cut me down,
I cut you out,
Skipped town,
On a red eye flight

Never could be something perfect in your eyes
Never let me shine my own true light
Despite of you I'm gonna be alright
And you'll never bring me down,

You moved in, to a premade family by numbers
Coloured in the numbers you liked
Left me empty, and blank,
Nothing more than a number on a page

Never could be something perfect in your eyes
Too many wrong roads, too many wrong songs
Despite you, I'll get mine
And I'll never let you bring me down, to the ground

Don’t go calling me anymore,
You left the tree, right where it stood
I grabbed my slippers and the half smoked joint
You made your bed; I slammed the door

Keep counting your greed
You will not buy me
I never needed money,
I just wanted you around

I’m doing alright,
I’m getting mine
Without you,
Without your love

The trees have fallen,
Down
And the night is shinning on behind the sun
And even though it is daylight, now
Those bed bugs never leave me

I have fallen down
Picked myself up from off the ground
To see what I have found,
Is only broken things and forgotten dreams

Its time,
Now,
Its time to find something around the corner
Lay your body down
Get your feet out of the kitchen

Hold on now,
For I have to wait for evening
To begin

My eyes fixated on the rear view
The water is overflowing
The walls are caving in
My body is moving ever slowly

So young at heart
So old in my bones
Weakened by another busy dinner date
Burning and Breaking myself
For something I am merely good at

My childhood dreams have seemed to become something so out of reach

To create new ones that seem more sustainable

Is a rose by any other name

Paint the times in a whim of white and black
Paint the days a foreign red and none other than disbelief
Its going to be alright, if your pain reflects colours

Come into me
Change your days; make them bleed into one,
Don’t worry about the future

Your hair may stand up and your feet,
They probably will swell
But, can you grow old with me


Just you and myself,
Don’t worry about the ever after
Just be,


Always, let it be,

Just let it be