Here I sit at my office desk. I have a million things to do but I must prioritize the most important task of all, my life realizations.
I have contemplated on the recent loss of my three-year long relationship. That chapter of my life that I thought would go on forever lasted only 1,095 pages long. However, this is not about my current failed relationship. This is about all the boys I’ve loved before, combined (wink).
When I first experienced love, I dove in headfirst. I had no safety gears, nor did I feel the need for any. Eight months later, I had my first heartbreak. My first real heartbreak. It was the most bitter taste that I’ve ever tasted, the darkest shade of blue my eyes have ever laid on and the saddest music my ears have ever heard. I was never the same after. Life never tasted the same after him.
(Red Flag: Manifested right from the start. High School Sweetheart “ex- girlfriend” who was not yet over him and apparently, he was not over with too. )
The next time I fell in love, I came prepared. I had all the necessary gears and read all the manuals. Take your sweet time they say, build a foundation first, become friends before you jump into anything. I did all that. I took all the necessary steps for success and yup, you’ve guessed it, it failed. My second real heartbreak tasted even worse than my first. Everything I felt before were intensified. I did not just lose a lover; I lost a friend. I felt my heart ache and it cracked a little bit more than it did the last time. The pain was greater than anything I’ve experienced before, so I had to move quick.
(Red Flag: Manifested in the middle of the relationship. Made a very big lie. )
The relationship that followed was a love from behind closed doors. It was not as intense as the ones that came before it. I did not lose my grip on reality; I did not lose myself. In fact, I was so in my head that I had taken it for granted. This relationship was where “I ****** up”. My heart did not break because I broke his. I had no excuse for breaking his heart when all he did was love me.
(Red Flag: Wrong love, wrong time. )
And then came my almost “End Game”.
I was single for a long time before I met him. I went into a lot of self-discoveries and made friends. I immersed myself in my career and became someone that I am a little bit proud of. I was ready when I met him. I was ripe, I needed to be picked. But our relationship did not start with any signs of sincerity. It was rushed, it was forced, it had no romance. I was warned about him before I even started catching feelings for him. But I was so ready. I let myself fall so deep. I ignored all the signs that pointed to the exit and kept running in his maze of love, lies, abuse & manipulation. I poured everything in my cup until it’s empty. Until I had nothing left. I used to visualize my future with him until I couldn’t see anything else but signs that point to the nearest exit. I thought this would break me, but it didn’t. I grieved the relationship while I was in it that I had nothing left to grieve about when I finally decided to leave.
(Red Flag: ****** human being since birth.)
So now we get to the bottom-line of all this abstract mess. The art of contemplation sure is a tricky one.
It does not matter how we decide to fall in love because when we love, we hurt. Love always comes with hurt as the day comes with night. So maybe there is no use in overthinking it because if someone’s intention is only to hurt you, remember that the devil comes in sheep clothing. Only time can reveal a person’s true intentions, so you just sit back, enjoy the ride, but listen. Look for the signs. The moment you recognize a red flag, respect and love yourself enough to choose yourself and walk away.
I know now that loving someone does not make them love you back enough to change their ways to make you happy. It is always