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Maria May 10
Here I sit at my office desk. I have a million things to do but I must prioritize the most important task of all, my life realizations.

I have contemplated on the recent loss of my three-year long relationship. That chapter of my life that I thought would go on forever lasted only 1,095 pages long.  However, this is not about my current failed relationship. This is about all the boys I’ve loved before, combined (wink).

When I first experienced love, I dove in headfirst. I had no safety gears, nor did I feel the need for any. Eight months later, I had my first heartbreak. My first real heartbreak. It was the most bitter taste that I’ve ever tasted, the darkest shade of blue my eyes have ever laid on and the saddest music my ears have ever heard. I was never the same after. Life never tasted the same after him.

(Red Flag: Manifested right from the start. High School Sweetheart “ex- girlfriend” who was not yet over him and apparently, he was not over with too. )

The next time I fell in love, I came prepared.  I had all the necessary gears and read all the manuals. Take your sweet time they say, build a foundation first, become friends before you jump into anything. I did all that. I took all the necessary steps for success and yup, you’ve guessed it, it failed. My second real heartbreak tasted even worse than my first. Everything I felt before were intensified.  I did not just lose a lover; I lost a friend. I felt my heart ache and it cracked a little bit more than it did the last time. The pain was greater than anything I’ve experienced before, so I had to move quick.

(Red Flag: Manifested in the middle of the relationship. Made a very big lie. )

The relationship that followed was a love from behind closed doors.  It was not as intense as the ones that came before it. I did not lose my grip on reality; I did not lose myself. In fact, I was so in my head that I had taken it for granted. This relationship was where “I ****** up”. My heart did not break because I broke his. I had no excuse for breaking his heart when all he did was love me.

(Red Flag: Wrong love, wrong time. )

And then came my  almost “End Game”.

I was single for a long time before I met him. I went into a lot of self-discoveries and made friends. I immersed myself in my career and became someone that I am a little bit proud of. I was ready when I met him. I was ripe, I needed to be picked. But our relationship did not start with any signs of sincerity. It was rushed, it was forced, it had no romance. I was warned about him before I even started catching feelings for him. But I was so ready. I let myself fall so deep. I ignored all the signs that pointed to the exit and kept running in his maze of love, lies, abuse & manipulation. I poured everything in my cup until it’s empty. Until I had nothing left. I used to visualize my future with him until I couldn’t see anything else but signs that point to the nearest exit. I thought this would break me, but it didn’t. I grieved the relationship while I was in it that I had nothing left to grieve about when I finally decided to leave.

(Red Flag: ****** human being since birth.)

So now we get to the bottom-line of all this abstract mess. The art of contemplation sure is a tricky one.

It does not matter how we decide to fall in love because when we love, we hurt. Love always comes with hurt as the day comes with night. So maybe there is no use in overthinking it because if someone’s intention is only to hurt you, remember that the devil comes in sheep clothing. Only time can reveal a person’s true intentions, so you just sit back, enjoy the ride, but listen. Look for the signs. The moment you recognize a red flag, respect and love yourself enough to choose yourself and walk away.

I know now that loving someone does not make them love you back enough to change their ways to make you happy. It is always
THEIR.
CHOICE.
Srujani Feb 25
In this saga of finding answers for my unknown questions
I sometimes failed fallen and found myself lost
I sometimes felt mismatched out snatched and lonely
But ultimately, all I know is
no matter how many time it felt,
No mater how hard they hit,
I know how to deal with them.
I may be lonely some of the time, most of the time or all of the time
But after I realized that I can deal with it anyway, and then
The span did really felt secondary!
Marty T Ottman Dec 2021
Sometime acceptance is key to forget about what took the heart's hold.
May of fold, for everything in front of you that you behold.
Cherish what still may accumulate from this cursed concept of time.
Rehearse this mere delusion as it just another illusion illustrated between bonds you may not be fond of, but it will be fine.
Push through and don't miscue.
Remember the solace in the heart but don't take forgranted it's expression.
As it very much may so be your lesson.
Times ran deary, release the fury that no longer serves you.
Don't let the tension of nerves breaththrough.
Rest in a new awake, and don't forsake a new day's break. -marty.
CJ Nov 2021
One day,
she stopped believing in their narrative
when the reasoning---
---or rather excuses
started sounding like sloppy fiction
When the words that held her
didn't parallel with his actions---
and when she saw how
his persona
turned out to be
just her wild imagination


(051121)
-c.s.
Midas Aug 2021
𝙸 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍...how love is but gold. That heartaches and heartbreaks will refine the love that you possess in yourself...for you and for the people you will be giving it to.

I am not perfect. I have caused plenty of loses for too many people. I might even be counted as one of their traumas when it comes to their past relationships. I got no excuse for it.

But I refuse to get stuck from those toxic traits. I know my present deserve every bit of best of myself. All those problems I failed to solve, those past mistakes and misjudgements of situations- I refuse to let those lessons go unlearned. It would be a disrespect for all the past history I had with great people if it wouldn't all complimented my relationship today.

Who I am today may not be the same as who I was yesterday but it reflected my character and I thank them all for everything they shared with me. If not for them, I won't mature in more ways than I can count. If not for them, I won't be able to treat myself and my present relationship right.

I believe people aren't missing jigsaw puzzles especially the ones we love dearly today. They aren't obligated to complete us at all. We are the ones responsible to complete what's missing in ourselves and they will only serve as our guide as much as we serve the same favor to them. That's why there's nothing special about someone who can understand you or make efforts for you, it's not special because it's actually what we deserve to be given just as much as we give it to them all along.

But possessing a grateful heart inside a relationship really does the trick. Because of it we learn to be a giver and to be thankful of everything we receive. We learn to be thankful for the person we have been blessed to spend our lives with indefinitely, if not forevermore.
Rainswood Sep 2021
problems of others
are not mine to own.
they are their very own
My new daily mantra
Sa Weol May Apr 2021
People whom I used to be my favorite
when I was a child,
They treat me to places I never requested but I loved,
I rant and got mad when things I wanted
doesn't come around

I miss the alphabet charts,
my mom taught me a lot,
She keeps so many foods in the fridge
told me she will give me one for the right answer,
beat my hands to make my cursive writings right.

I miss my elementary days,
way back to when the rain is still predictable
as well as my dad,
I know he's already on his way,
driving a bicycle cab
with a raincoat I don't like to wear in his hand
going to me,
I'm ashamed, my classmates might laugh at me.

As time flows in my life,
too much wisdom creates a vast space for sadness in my heart,
Maybe I didn't learn how to use it wisely,
Now I get lonely oftentimes
without knowing the roots why it's crawling up.

Now I know there are beatings that aren't meant to hurt,
I learned to dance the pen on a messed paper,
spilled every words in right position.

Now I know why I should wear that coat on,
Rains are beautiful yet we should not be fooled,
they sometimes become bullets
while coats are bullet proofs.

Now that I get older,
I regret I didn't look back well
to when I used to be a kid
just spinning myself in happiness
brought by the smallest things
I don't appreciate that much now.

-A.M.
Kimberly Apr 2021
I know that you can't carry those
Even though we're that close
I just play it cool at all time
And you're not aware of all time

We spend days like that
Awareness, you lacked that
Real, Reality, Realizations you missed that.
Entertaining? Yes I am.
Another way to vent things out
Just Grace Oct 2020
All my desires
they saturate me like
a towel wrung out too many times
drowning in unknown "solutions"
my heart twisted limp to the point where
the water just flows over me

It tells me that
what’s left to do is the ***** work
the clean up
the kind that might even leave
an even bigger mess

unless
there is hope that
with a shrug and a smug grin
and a passionate rage
someone is brave enough to tear
this place of pain down
burn through the house of empty dreams
and lofty, stubborn hopes
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