Dear Bed Time Ceiling,
Why is it that whenever I go to end the existence of my body, I happen to stare at you?
I lay down my self to evaporate my troubles, but like the rain it comes back down again....
Why can't I turn my body to the side and glare at a blank wall?
Your tiny hill and hole like outlines make up designs that drowns my heart right into Hell's thunder.
You’re dead, not even alive, but you every night you bring me to the closed in field of regret.
Why must you remind me? You ceiling that has a heart of stone
The time that I used and abused my actions for the pleasure of myself?
No one can see me now, but how can you?
I want to make an apology, but the single won't go through...
9:47 I sit on my couch, staring at my bed.
I'm not supposed to lay down until at least 10 o'clock.
It's supposed to "ward away depressive states" so I don't "stay in bed all day long."
9:52 If I go just a little early, that won't be a big deal, right?
No, I better listen. I better try.
9:55 Only five more minutes.
That's funny. We used to use that to avoid going to bed, now I'm using it to count down until I can.
9:58 Do I have everything I need? The temperature is set so I won't get too hot? I've got my glass of water, my phone charger, my fuzzy socks?
10:00 Sweet relief.
I'll never leave you again.
"Depressive state", my ass. This is the only place I can be safe. The only place I'm home.
Exhaustion is putting raucous children to bed
Left to their own devices they'll pain your head
Once you've finally settled them down
Your face will be stuck in a perma-frown
Later when you check if everything's OK
They'll look like angels sleeping away
Don't be fooled by this little deception
Angelic sleeping children are the exception
Be ever aware, certain to stay on your toes
There may be nightmares, as everyone knows.....
Benny had some book
he was reading.
I wanted him
to take notice of me
as I undressed
but he didn't
look at me
but turned a page
I slowly removed
but he stared
at the page
and not at me.
I took off
and stood there bare
but he turned
and didn't stare.
I put on
the baby-doll nightie
he had bought
white with pink lace
but he just turned a page
on his face.
I climbed into bed
getting as near
as I could.
What's the book?
wanting to have sex
in the dark.
Women In Love
it's quite a lark.
and lay down
head on the pillow
at the light.
He closed the book
and laid it aside
how about it?
Ok if you want
don't know why.
I looked in the mirror this morning
but I swear I didn’t see anybody
There was a body but no one to fill it
Flesh and blood set on auto pilot
aimed for six feet under;
Black rings wrapped around my eyes
with a straight face
I Plunder to get to the shower.
Semi-awake to fill up empty space.
Because getting out bed is relentless,
I do it every day like clockwork,
but every time it gets a little harder.
Like someone adding weights to my hour hands
'Till one day I won’t get up.
I can barely make it to 9 O’clock
… in the morning
I look at the sun and start mourning
Because it means I must heave myself
Out of bed and pretend that I am living,
When my bed knows otherwise.
It’s smarter than I because it knows to lay still
And let the world pass by.
Humans are supposed to fake it 'till we make it,
But all I want to do is make my bed
So, I can go back to sleep and let the world pass by.
Sure, I’m a stand-up guy
But I probably only held the door for you
Because I fell asleep on the way out.
And if you say thank you
it will remind me to wake up
and keep me pretending to live.
No doubt I fall asleep all the time.
People think I have bad hearing
But I’m just sleeping with my eyes open.
If I don’t respond just give me a little nudge
And repeat everything you just said.
I’m not deaf … or dead yet.
I just can’t keep my mind open
For too long before the demons crawl out.
Thus, I fall asleep and fight in dreams
To wake up to your next sentence
More exhausted than the last.
It’s not my fault
I’m just a little bit dead
And a little bit sleepy
imagine a big dragon
Are you doing it?
what color is it?
"b-blue and yellow"
Blue and yellow. Cute! Isss it big as godzilla?
"no, it's smaller
likee the size of a horse"
Dats a smol dragon
I like him.
"its not smallllllllllll
a smol dragon would be like, a neck dragon
hes big, just not hugeeeeeee"
Ohhhh okay. He's a big dragon, but not huge.
His teeth are like little point pearls
do you see how shiny they are?
"why are his teeth pink"
They are pearls.
"but pearls are white"
then his toofers are white.
One of those pearls in his dragon maw
his little baby toofeers
because than you can fly with him everywhere.
Just imagine looking down through his mouth at the cityyy
as he flyyyys
and sitting all nestled in his lip
Blue and yellow leather
He could sing you storiessss and brushes his toofers so his breath would be warm but not stinky
"My small tenant" He says to you.
as you crawl out of his gum and walk out onto his tongue.
What is your dragon houses name?
"his name is roxy"
He's making a very silly face, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes to talk to you
he sounds silly too
talking with his tongue out
"Welcome Home. "
Roxy the Blue and yellow Horse sized Dragon House.
"Ready to slide?"
he asks you
he swallows you
it's very slippery and fun!
like a water slide
And is warm, but not smelly becaus he brushes his teeth
you fly over muscles and liquids and tongue and land on a biiiig trampoline
You can hear Roxy from all around you, quite loud "Having fun, my tennant?"
You are the small size, or a dragons tooth.
"uh oh!" He cries
you see fire from his back
it's zooming towards you!
"nooooooooooo run awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy"
You run up towards his tongue and trip into the sticky icky
The fire is warm and tingles oup your back
then is over
and you standup, the back of your clothes all burnt off and your front all sticky icky
"I'm sorry, tennant"
"its oki roxy."
Roxy fashions their tongue like a staircase for you to come back outside
"daddy? Im sleepy... Can we finish the story tomorrow night?"
me too Babygurl. ^^
Yes we can
"ninighht daddy. sleeeepppppp well.
i love you"
I love you too baby girl ^^
You curl up in roxys empty tooth spot, he covers you in his blanket tongue. it is warm. but not stinky. and you drift soft to sleep
"Good night, Tenant"
"I love you"
"i love you ttooo roxy."
The fan is on, the constant hushing sound adding rhythm to the room
I can hear the hum of cars passing by outside my window
a added sense that I am not alone even though I am here by myself
Novembers cooling touch has crept in
nipping at my toes, drying my already dry pale skin
my favorite time of year when life seems to slow down, putting a glow on the usually bland days
here in my bed under the warmth of my flannel blankets all is right with my world
but my brain still finds something to bring the anxiety out
I thought if I started writing down my thoughts on paper it would lessen the night time stress
but then I stress about not writing on the nights I forget
the streetlight outside my window flashes a constant shadow on my wall
and I find comfort in that
something about the added light on my wall is friendly, familiar
when my brain finally shuts off I fall into dreams of my past
of people I haven't seen in years, all the stories blend into one
repeating like a rerun
at least I still have dreams
even if they're only in my sleep