he really is mean, you know
really, truly mean
and i know
yes, i know
so why do you keep sleeping in his bed?
it makes no difference
and you, you know this
you are not a person
you are hardly a body
he is so mean
and you fall asleep crying
(you've been crying every day)
but i, i love him, you know
and yet tell me this -
is this love you harbor
worth all of this ache?
this ache you can't escape
you know how to though
but you wait
you wait and wait
purely in vain
but i love him
and he loves me
but he is so, so mean

i thought of how you used to walk me back home everyday from your place
because you wanted to spend every second that you could with me before i had to leave
i thought of how you would lay in my bed while i was showering, and trying to not let me dress as i smiled and swatted you away
i thought of how my mother was happy for me, that i had found somebody
now you're not allowed five feet within our building
i told you when we met that we were going to have a good summer, and i meant it
and we did, though amidst the sunshine there was some rain, yet we stayed, we stayed, because love always reigned
now i'm sitting outside in the dark, missing your lips and the way you held my body
how you are a fifteen minute walk away that i am no longer allowed to take
how the summer died and so did your love for me, though my love for you is still as warm as the summer sun
how badly i wanted to be laying in your bed still in the upcoming cold months
but now i am no longer welcome, and you only want your blankets or a new body to hold
while i lay dead cold and alone, reminiscing that we were good, yet you chose doubt over love, and let the bad times overshadow the good times once and for all

when i see you my entire world lights up
i've been living too long in the dark
i no longer see any light at all

i like laying in your bed better than my own
even if i'm alone
because at least here, there are still traces of you everywhere
and maybe when you come back
you'll lie next to me in bed
and tell me that you love me
melting into thoughts of the other
as if this is our own quiet world
and we cannot be bothered by any hurt

i still remember the day where you asked me to please not **** myself
we were sitting on that couch you no longer have now
and just so you know,
those words meant everything to me and so much more

she wrote
so dark
there was
never any
light
between her
lines

he wrote
so sad
there was
never any
life
between his
lines

she wrote
one last time

he wrote
of suicide

i walked around for hours last night to get you out of my head
i passed by your house once or twice, remembering when we sat on that porch and you told me you wished that i was dead
you were sound asleep in your bed, not providing a single thought about me
with a heavy chest, i turned around and went back home to lay in my own bed
i'm supposed to be in yours though, not alone
i guess to you, i truly now am dead as you had hoped
and the sad part is, i still feel love beating inside of my head
for your bones, for your skin, a materialized idea of what we could have been

i put you out of my head
and i went to bed
i went to bed
i forgot the next morning
and i no longer wept

you changed
everything
for me
of what i knew
or thought i knew
of love
you redefined
you shaped
you molded
as if i was flat clay
which had no form
you formed me
bit by bit
slowly, gently
you smoothed out
my rough edges
you made me
a whole piece
with you,
or on my own
you changed
everything
everything
that i knew
of love

you smoke too much
you drink too much
you cry too much
you laugh too much
you forget too much

but sometimes
you need a night
where you do everything
too much

got out of bed
made a friend
a walk down the street
it was only me

do you wanna lose our heads tonight?
we can regret it in the morning
but that's the morning and this is right now
and it is dark and beautiful and you're smiling
and all i would rather do right now is put my hand on your knee and finish these drinks
yeah we can slip under the covers and be consumed by the warmth
and if it is okay can i hold your hand until the sun comes up?
can i brush up against your skin so mine isn't alone for once?
can i pretend for just tonight your body is mine and mine yours?
let's lose our heads tonight
you and i

but i'm trying so hard to fix things
and give you every drop of love which i have
how is that not enough?
how much more exhausting of myself must be done?
i love you more than anything -
can't you see?

maybe i want you to find my notebooks someday
so that you can read all about my pain
that i kept stashed and stored and hidden
behind my pen and the countless ink stains on my hands
my pain that i wanted to speak to you about yet never could
so here are my last words, they always didn't come so easy to write
i grew restless, exhausted, and i just wanted you to look into my eyes
instead i held base, behind these scribbled lines

because i know that when i crawl into bed beside you as sleep soundly takes over you, the warmth that i feel with my body pressed against yours feels like home, and i know that this is where i want to be for forever
by your side, the warmth, the love, i know i can find nowhere else

tossed you out of my mind tonight
you no longer exist
within any parameter or neuron
and i am trying to be okay with that

when you told me that i broke your heart
i could only laugh and tell you that you are sadly mistaken
because i don't have the power to invoke that much sorrow inside of someone
when you are no one, you remain unseen and unfelt
to yourself, and everyone else

i did not break your heart
because i am not the type of person to be stricken over

i leave
without a word
without a sound
that's how you know
truly
that i'm never coming back

in life, i think of you
in passing, i think of you
in death, i think of you

you're not pretty
like all of these other girls that you see
on the tv and in magazines
but who you are
is so unique
more than those other girls
could ever hope to be

when you begin to replace
all of the words
with their past tense
maybe then
it is when you realize
that you are truly
sad
and alone
stuck in a muddy rut
drowning in the past
of things that were
and you wish could have been
maybe then
you can accept
but for now, right now
i am living in
past tense

when this is all i have left
some paper and a pen
to sort through what's going on in my head
i have a voice that doesn't know how to act
how to be loud, only in this silence
and i'm writing to you to tell you
just how much you mean to me
because you no longer like to hear me speak
so this is all i have left
just some paper and a pen
spilling words until everything can make sense again

n o
o n e
i s
p e r f e c t

y e t
y o u
a r e

m y
v e r s i o n
o f
p e r f e c t

o n l y
*y o u

the walls whisper loneliness
the bed begs for closeness
every night
you were here with me
every night
i kissed you sweetly
but slowly
you were disappearing
i kept trying to make myself known
that i was here still
but i can't make a ghost see me
unless they want to on their own
i close and lock the door
i whisper,
"please come home"
but we don't live here anymore
it's me, again
always finding myself at this familiar end
pangs of nostalgia and
your ghost
won't even haunt me
won't even say hello
anymore

i didn't forget about you
i made you quiet
i made you entirely mine
inside of my head
where you stayed
for as long as i wanted you to

it's been years
i didn't forget
i made you quiet

well, lately i
lately i
have felt
that maybe
it's all right
to die
or to even remain
alive
well, lately i
have been writing
too much
about you and i
words which you
will never see
and well lately
i've been staying awake
each night
for too long
trying to beat
the sun
because i don't want
anyone
in my bed
or yours
i try to sleep
because each morning
just reminds me
that i'm not sharing it
with you, ever
anymore
well, lately i
have come across a change
and i wish you were here
to be my witness
that i am no longer
the same
you're miles away
and i guess i have
accepted
that i'm no longer
a part of your life
well, you know?
i still
love you
and i have learned  
it's okay to die
with you
on my mind

you're looking at her pictures now
instead of mine
in the middle of the night
when you need a little bit of healing
from your loneliness

and my existence
no longer
is your remedy

when you finally
hit rock bottom
you won't see me
when you look up
one more chance
one more hope
another play as your savior

you won't see me
because i was the only one
who tried to prevent
your fall

it's that stupid small smile you give
when i am in pain
that makes me want to rip off your face

he was out there finding someone new already
i was here finding myself
learning to live with myself
filling in the void that you left behind
that no one but myself can replace
maybe i wasn't good enough
but that was a reflection of yourself, not me
(this i am still learning)

he has someone new in his bed tonight
while i was there one week ago with him
i may be alone now, night after night
but at least i am brave enough to find myself
and i don't need another hand to hold, to fill your void
like you had to fill mine that i left behind

that indication should have been enough
for me to know not to get involved
you said you are leaving if i ever cut
i've already been through this before
i've played this same ******* game
the overwhelming fear attached to it
if i happen to lose control one night
and the next morning,
you are gone from my sight

because who would ever love a girl who cuts herself?

she is so beautiful
and she is so beautiful with words
her delicate fingers
and her ever-colorful eyes
deep and resounding,
people watching
taking in the details
that pass by everyone else
in the streets, lost among the crowds
and yet she sees

she is so beautiful
her face, her mind
her bravery, her insight
her soul
oh her soul

i told her that she is a rarity
she kept bitterly smiling
like she knew
that she was an outsider
to a world so cruel

we laid in bed and i had scars on my wrist
you looked at them with such disdain, rubbing your fingers over this exhausted skin
i told you then why i got this tattoo
because i told myself that i was done with doing this
you didn't say anything
i didn't say anything
because both of us knew, that commitment was never true

she kissed him goodbye and left
he told her i love you, i'll see you later
once she was out of sight
he turns to his friend with his phone
hot model girl blowing up the screen
he says, she's so incredible, i'd bang her any day

but what about your girl?

oh, her
she doesn't know
so she won't get hurt
it's all good
it's only a little fun
she's great, but she could be better
for now i can settle
but she's nothing that special

so if they come looking for my body
don't tell them where i hid it
and if they ask where i was last seen
don't tell them it was by the river
and if they ask what happened
tell them that it never even mattered

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
but i can't tell you that
because i know that you do not feel the same  
you do not miss my skin as your blanket
as i do yours
nor my chest as your pillow
yet you are my favorite pillow
i miss when i can't see your face the moment that i awake
it always gives me the best start to my day
i know that you will awake and start your day just the same
with or without my bleary eyes and sleepy face

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
because of all these tiny things
but i can't tell you that, no ...
i can't

"there will be so many others"
but i have already found you
the idea of others is dead to me -
why would i so easily
give up on a life
which i want with mine for eternity?

i watched you sit inside of that sad house
i watched you sit inside of that sad room
i watched you sit inside the sadness within yourself
i watched you **** yourself

you
      have
              no
                   idea  

how
        much
                  i
                   write
                        
                                    about
                                               you

and it's just
i don't mean to push everyone away
i just never seem to have the right words to say
(i really, really don't want anyone to leave,
you all mean so, so, ******* much to me -)
because i wish everyone would stay
as much as i want them to
but it never seems to work out that way
and i'm not entirely sure why
things become as they are
and why nothing seems to ever grow
but i'm so scared
so ******* scared
of being alone
so please, i beg, stay
stay and stay and stay
sometimes i am this way
and i don't mean to push you all away
so someone, even just one, please
stay

he told me that he had some stitches and he could sew me back up
with colorful threads that knew no bounds
and the most fragile of needles to avoid afflicting anymore hurt
i took up his offer and allowed him to stitch me back up
yet eventually the seams tore and broke and he walked away telling me that he couldn't fix it this time

i have this bad case of emotional abuse
honestly, all it does for me is serve to amuse
because have you ever let something so stupid happen?
all you can do is laugh at yourself for allowing it
i am the one hurting myself -
you you you
you've given me a bad case of emotional abuse
(and i let you)

i would leave home for days
no one would ever ask where i was at
it began to feel as if i could just disappear
without a sound, without a word
no one would come searching for me
maybe that's why i've become so obsessed
with this idea of dying

my head hurts
in a way
that ******* gross aspirin cannot fix
i can still taste the overdose
in the back of my throat
the pits of my
aching stomach
trying to expel
its chalky white substance
my head hurts
i'm too traumatized by
"pills"
fix me, ******* magically fix me
please

the best part starts
when i left you that note
not trying to push on any blame
not trying to say that you never meant anything
but i began to fall apart
and looking into the mirror began to do me no good
the longer i was with you,
the more i lost myself
and it wasn't your fault
that i became too consumed with you
and again, it wasn't your fault
that i lost myself within you
if you can love someone too much
then i loved you too much
maybe there wasn't any "healthy" way to love you
so i have to love you now from afar
for my sake and yours
but mostly for mine
because i miss myself
and all of the pieces i lost trying to love you too much
i couldn't keep dying
just trying to even hold your hand

so the best part starts
when i left you that note
and i went down to the river, alone
for hours, just by myself
finding myself
burying you
and it was lonely, hell it was
but i loved too hard
now i'll do it from afar

you're alive but you're a ghost
because you're in my head
but i don't see you anymore

if i could reach inside of you and pull out all of your sadness,
every last coiling thread until there was none left,
believe me, i would
but i'm too entangled within my own
and i don't want to infest you any more with the terror and horror of this disease that lies deep inside us each

i find it ironic and funny
how you accuse me
of not caring
about you
because when
have you ever cared about me?

i'm so tired of sticking around, hoping that someone eventually will care
it's a sick twisted cage feeding off whatever i have left to offer
this end has an end, it always has
it has never been so clear to me before now

old pictures remind me
that good once existed
that people once existed
who don't exist anymore
who are now ghosts
at the touch of my fingertips
old pictures remind me
that i was once me
and you were once you