There's an emotion,
It's deep inside;
I think it's buried
Somewhere I can hide.

For plenty of action,
There's no satisfaction;
No want, nor a prayer
Has brought me inaction;

Still I fill my cup,
And I drink from it deeply,
For nothing but sleep
And a fragile peace keep me,

From doing the things that
I see in my dreams;
Acknowledging that
I'm the monster I seem;

With a shrug of a shoulder,
I'll say that it's over,
I'll tell myself I can lament
In a dream,

Yet something so violent,
As real as it seems,
Leaves me with a silence
As I intervene...

A drink; a drink,
Another for me!
And one overboard
For the God of the sea!

A drink; a drink!
Another for me!
A vision of ***,
A truth for me!

A drink; a drink!
Once more for the gods!
O, safe keep our ship,
From the men of the odds!

A drink; a drink,
Poseidon, he falls!
Dionysus insists;
His brother; he calls!

I'm all alone,
Once again...

My empty home is
Devoid of friends.

Still, some,  they call,
Or show at odd hours,
To share a few drinks,
Or maybe some flower.

It's been a year, or
Nearly two,
Since I've left this house
With something to do.

My skin has gone pale;
It's deathly white,
It's been so long since
I've seen sunlight,

The sun feels so bright,
That star from afar,
Still I shun its gift,
And it shows with the sight.

Of me.

I can't explain why I
Simply stay inside,
Instead of living life,
Taking things in stride.

But still I rise with dry eyes,
And unlike some,
I feel a peace.

A freedom to choose
Whether to rise,
Or follow my
Wild heartbeat.

Saw an old man down by the riverside, lookin' 'bout half past dead/

Gave him two dollars and a penny, for to get a bottle just to cool his head/

Turned around to hand it back to me,  and I looked at him like he was mad/

Swept his gaze up to my eyes, and he gave a single shake of his head, /

Said "I've been here for a long while, and I'll stay until I'm good and dead,"/

"It's been a many year since I've sat here, and I'll stay 'til my kingdom come, /

I didn't know just what to say to that, so I asked, "Hey, mister, where you from?"/

He took a minute,  thinking 'bout everything,  and I thought he was dead/

Gave the biggest smile I have never seen,  and he turned to me,  and he said:/

"I come from over yonder, where the mountain starts, and the river ends"/

"The first thing I saw was the water; it'll be the last thing I see again, "/

"Yeah,  I came from the water, and if you see a friend of mine, "/

"Tell him he's still got a brother,  who won't let him get left behind..."/

Guaranteed to no one,

Tomorrow is just

Another day...



Sadness, joy,

Or no fun,

Tomorrow's

A day away...



Guaranteed to

No one,

Tomorrow is

just a date,



Fate cares for nothing,

Unless you find something,

Tomorrow is only

A day...



Need money to borrow?

Just ask for it tomorrow.

Need something

For your sorrow?



Just call me up tomorrow...



Tomorrow ain't nothing,

You could make it something,

But still you're left wanting,



For tomorrow again...

So many things
I've endured,
To be where I am
Today...

Molestation, aggravation,
All the things
They did to me...

Suicidal? Hesitation?
What are these
Two things to me?

PTSD, ASPD,
Anxiety...
So many names
Like games they play

For whatever is
Wrong with me.

But all I see
Is a sea
Of hopelessness;

A broken Me...
And I can't see
A cure for my

Deadly disease...

I just see "Me"...

Tired...
My eyes burn,
My lungs ache...
The sun wakes me
Through the
Windows.

Dress myself
Wash my face,
It's time to endure
Another day...

Another rush
At the restaurant,
Put on a smile,
And pretend it's
Okay...

But I can't do this
For much longer,
My longest day
Is Sunday...

My home. My safe place!
My sanctuary of peace and calm!

Deaf as I am,  I'm glad to have friends,
When someone tries to steal from my mom!

So we kept watch, over her van,
Seeing the shadows of an unknown man,

We're suited and booted; my knife
And his gun,
And we're ready to take him,
Or force him to run!

******* all,  I have work
In the morning,
But I'll be ****** if we don't
Send him a warning!

Our shout brought him out,
And we watched him run,
To go steal elsewhere,
But he'll have no fun!

Not here; not now.
At my grandmother's house.
So I stand and I shake,
Eyes wide open; awake,

A knife at my side, with
My rage as my guide.
Hell no! Not here!
Not now!

My home.  My safe place,
My sanctuary of calm!
So I await the coming sunrise;
No one ***** with my mom!

Is there something I can find
Buried deep in my mind,

An allure which ensures
Me of hope?

So pure and unadorned,
So naked, as was born,

Just a light, just a spark,
That which pulls upon
The heart,

To awaken, and allow
Me to see?

Is there something, buried deep,
Among the feelings I keep,

Is there hope for the one
Who has none?

No more sadness,
No more pain,

No more for a stain,
For a shadow of
What I once had?

No more crying,
No more lying,

No more wishing
I was dying,

Is there hope for the one,
Who has none?

Somewhere,  out there,

There's a place where

I belong.



Somewhere, out there,

There's a face that

Sings a song,



To my mind,  

And it's mine,

And it's something

Meant for me,



'Cause somewhere,

Out there,

Must be a one

Who waits for me.



But deep inside,

I'm feeling blind,

There's so many things

That I've left behind.



I've loved, and

I've lost,

And still have

Yet to find...


But somewhere,

Out there,


Like a dream I

Can barely recall,

I know there's hope,

Even for somebody


Like me...


Broken,  insecure,

But somewhere, out there

must be a cure...



Somewhere, out there,

Till that day,

I'll endure...



All my loss and my pain,

And all the fear in

My brain,



Till  I find he who

Reminds,

Me of that joy,  

Once again...


Somewhere... out there...

I hope to dream again...

It's been the longest time,
Since I've felt this alive.
So many years gone by
Since I've seen all these guys.

But on this day,  I rise,
When I was granted life,
To find my eyes surprised
By all their smiles and cries!

"Hey, happy birthday man! "
"It's been a long-*** time! "
"We planned ahead, and decided
To grab some whiskey and wine! "

And that was all it took,
To get it through my head,
That when this night was over
We'd likely do it again.

See, I'm a man with good friends,
I have a thirst I must quench,
And when Bacchus calls for me,
I always let the games begin!

And once these parties start,
They rarely, if ever, end.
And when the bottles do run dry,
Someone carries some more in.

"And every glass I take,  I do it not for me;"

"It's for His Majesty!"
"It's for His Majesty!"

Now it's the third warm night
And all the wine is gone,
The whiskey comes along,
And they break out in song:

"Another cup for mine!"
"Another night survived!"

"It's for His Majesty!"
"It's for His Majesty!

Summer is here...

But I can't feel it.

The sun is shining...

But it's not real.

There's something broken,

Inside my heart.

It began with the words

"Be together apart. "

Locked in my room,

I can't take this pain!

But I will endure. For my strength remains.

I will tell you now...

About the rain.

How it washes away,

Such abominable stains,

And comforts dearly,

The most stained of my name,

For I want for nothing,

But to see it again.

For even now,  our leaders,  they lie.

And could give less than we know,

If it's us who dies.

In these desperate times,

It's enough to be alive,

But every day now,  we're left

To ask why...

Oh, let the rain wash over us.

Oh, let the light of heaven shine.

And let the pain begone...

It was never mine.

Oh,  only now can I feel the rain...

As I walk in the sunset,
Through silent, empty streets.
They peer through their
Windows.

People are afraid of me.

The virus has arrived
This newest of disease,
And with it comes the worst
Of humanity.

"Stay away from him.
He's Asian. They have
That coronavirus."

First off, I'm American.
I have to live here, too.
And yes, I'm scared,  I am.

I swear,  I'm just like you.

But don't look at me different.
Don't walk across the street.
Don't lift up your collar or
Tighten your mask
When I smile and wave to greet.

I am human. Not a monster.
I am not your disease.
Don't blame me for the mistakes
Of man.
I'm just trying to be me.

I just want to believe...

Ah, yeah, there it is...
It's been years; too long.
The memory has faded,
But the desire remains.

It's that feeling I've missed;
Such sweet, silent songs,
Such emotions debated,
No more clouds in my brain.

Just a painless, empty bliss.
I can smile, and fantasize,
And feel the warm sun's kiss
As I breathe and close my eyes.

Such a blanket never sewn,
Can bring me this warmth.
Confidence I've never known,
And some feeling of worth.

Finally,  I belong!
I'm here! Can you see me?
Nothing's wrong; not now,
I can just stand here, and BE.

Tonight, when they watch me,
Their eyes open in wonder,
I shall stand and deliver,
And quiver no more.

I am here.  I exist.
And I am not afraid.

In this day and age,
The mysterious ways
Of men and their money
Fill all of our days.

A hashtag,  an update,
A notification.
Just to remind me
Of my situation.

Three years on the streets
Meant nothing to me,
But it showed me a world
Few ever should see.

Now Texas takes notice,
Financial aid!
The catch is,  of course,
My ****** GPA.

They do this on purpose.
I'm ignorant? My ***!
"You've got seven hundred dollars
To spend before class."

"You can buy anything here,
No gift cards, of course. "
I said "this isn't a buffet;  
That's a smorgasbord! "

Give me three new shirts,
All the books for my classes,
A new backpack,  a hoodie,
Alumni- framed glasses.

Then,  send me an email,
At nine in the morning
That I'll be dropped
by four p.m. without warning!

So much for sleep.
It's time for *******.
Because these ****** people
Are pulling THIS **** again.

Loan counseling? What's that?
"In forty- eight hours
The approval will come back. "

Are you being serious?
I'm better off smoking crack!
Just give me my education,
And stay the hell off my back!

There it is...
I can feel it!
Something great
Is happening...

Better than any
Pill or shot.
It's so real; it...
Feels so hot!

What's this feeling?
Such emotion!
Senses reeling,
Such devotion!

No more guilt
Or remorse,
Or regret!

Finally,  my
Insanity
Is something
I GET.

Sociopathy.
I have no regrets.
But I still feel
Depression.

There's nothing left.
Just this
Aggression.

If I go to sleep
I wake up
And I weep.

But you disrespect,
And you'll wake
In the street.

Somehow, I get myself in these situations,
Where all of my efforts can end in stagnation,

But sometimes I manage to find inspiration,
In my concentration and intoxication,

I've had so much beer i should be in my bed,
But there's too much to think of,

It's all in my head.

There's ideas and there's music,  there's joy and there's death,
And there's realization that there's nothing left.

See tonight I got word that it's working for me,

My whole life is decided,  I know what I'll be.
I'll write and I'll speak,  I'll get high and I'll teach,

And I'll be grateful for every mind that I reach.

But I'll always remember the path I once took,
Before novels and poems and college and books,

I'll remember the streets in December,  '09,
When I hustled for China and needles and wine,
When I first learned this world had two sides to its face,

There's the side that you see, then there's one other place.

And it's dark and it's *****,  but sometimes,  it's kind.
It can give you that shelter you've been trying to find.

But now after living in both of these worlds,
It honestly hurts me to have to decide.

Because one path will lead to respect in their eyes,
And the other will grant me that sweet peace of mind...

It's Saturday night,
There's people out dancing.
There's people out drinking,
But here I am sitting
At home all alone.

Is that even right?
I mean,  what am I thinking,
Just sitting here and shrinking,
Not taking my eyes off
The screen of my phone?

My friends haven't called me,
To drag me to parties,  
Or some crazy dive bar,
With two dollar drinks.

It's these kinds of weekends
That make me feel sorry:
I guess I'm just too gone
To party with, me.

But sometimes I hear it,
A knock at my window,
And i know that they
haven't forgotten me.

My circle is precious,
So few and so little,
But my friends are all
I've got,  you see.

So when they bring me
Gifts of whiskey,
Beer and the joy of
Conversation,

I'm always the one to
Respond in kind
And usually with
Much stronger libations.

No, I've never felt
Such calm and such peace,
As when I have walked
These crowded streets.

With nods and smiles,
They call out to me,
To offer me greetings,
Or something to eat,

"Do you need a smoke, sir? "
"Hey,  I've got some ****, "
"It's always good to see you
Here,  Mr. C."

I just smile and I nod,
And say nothing at all,
I just give them a wave,
And remind them to call.

The dealers,  the junkies,
The sets and police,
They all know my name,
On the cracked Houston streets.

I know it's respect that
They're showing to me,
For all that I've done as
Who I used to be.

The scars on my knuckles
Still have yet to fade,
I carry my violence
And two deadly blades.

And those who once knew me,
As I was before,
They bow and they nod,
And they offer me more.

I woke up this morning,
My body so cold,
Not even blankets
Could warm me.

But I had to rise,  and
Somehow I know,
A day of sadness
Is upon me...

To think of my life
At seven A.M.,
Emotions so endless,
I don't think I can,

I've lived my whole life
With invisible bars,
My cage is my own,
My rage is the cause.

My one only secret
Is doubt and depression,
Twin shadows who
Follow at my heels.

But I still feel lucky,
Since I have my friends,
And they understand
How it feels.

As I swallow my coffee,
And breakfast of pills,
The weariness
starts to fade.

And now I am ready,
For frustration and ills,
As I don my black leather,
And pocket those pills

No matter what happens,
I'll be there,  and chill,
For life is a river,
Which flows where it will...

When I retire,  often late at night,
When the drink and the smoke have awakened my sight,

I close my eyes, and clear my mind,
And just drift away,  leaving earth behind.
And as I pace,  in my silent room,
I journey far beyond the moon.

I see all the stars,  and I've given them names,
And imagine that somehow I'll get there one day.

And then it appears, a desert so deep,
Two suns shine upon me; the sand burns my feet.
This place is familiar; I've been here before.
The sand,  a deep scarlet,  the color of war.

And as I go deeper,  my room disappears.
My eyes are still closed, but somehow I hear.
The voices are faint,  but I follow the sound.

And watch in awe as it rises from the ground.
A city of sand,  of steel,  and stone.
I stand at the gates of a city I've known.
Surrounded by peoples so unlike our own.

A figure approaches,  in patched leather clothes,
Red scales,  and a dragon- like snout for a nose.
He flashes a smile,  his fangs are all stained.

He says "I'd always wondered if we'd meet again. "
He extended an arm and clasped onto my own,
And said,  "it's good to see you home. "

You can take me
From my home,
You can shred
My dignity,
You can leave me,
All alone,
Once you've had
Your fill of me.

You can shatter
All my hopes,
Spread your lies
Upon my dreams,
But deep inside,
I keep my soul,

And you can't have
That part of me.
No,
You can't have
That part of me...

Doctors said,
"Kid, you've got problems.
Not to worry,
We can solve them.
Take this pill twice,
Every morning.
Here's two more for
When you crash. "

I was stupid,
What did I know?
Fresh in high school
Fourteen years old.
Life just seemed to
Pass me by,
Then I took one
And got high.

Freshman year,
In ROTC,
So on point, no one
Could beat me.
Then one day,
They caught my eye;
"You should probably
Meet this guy. "

Fifteen kids stuffed
In a closet,
Huddled around our
Technical sergeant,
In his hands,
Like shining diamonds,
"I've got stuff that you
Should try, man. "

Lortab, norco,
I'd heard stories.
Ritalin just didn't
Do much for me.
Tylenol 4 and xanax bars
Made me picture
Crashing  cars.

Everyone knew that
I had Addy, I drank beer,
And I smoked fatties.
They said,
"What do you want for go-pills?"
I said,
"I'll take ALL of THOSE pills. "

From that day,
My life was over.
Never again would I
Be sober.
Still I pulled through,
In the end,
With some help from
My 'new friends. '

Let's fast forward,
On to college,
Rich kids with their
Parents' wallets.
Track me down with
Midterm chills,
"Hey man, can I maybe
Score some pills? "

Hydrocodone, my
Best friend,
Stays with me until
The end.
Empty bliss that's
Like no other,
Gifted by my
Lovely mother.

Every month, I'd
Throw a party,
Young and stupid,
All invited.
Smoke some ****
And drink and chill,
Waiting for those
Luscious pills.

Talking smack and
Starting drama, waiting
Till we hear my mama,
Twist the **** and
Step inside,
Bongs and blunts were quick
To hide.

I said,  "chill, guys,
She's not stupid.
My mom's cool with how
I do ****;
Sure she likes to take my pills,
Still, she's brought me
All my thrills. "

"Twenty norco, fifteen xanax,
Pill for pill,
Understand that? "
Then she sat,
And smoked our joints,
"Oh my adorable
****** boys! "

Travis said,
"Dude, that's your MOM? "
I said,  "why, man?
Is there a problem? "
He said,  "nah, but ****,
She's cool! "
I said,
"Only since I've been in school. "

I still remember,
That special first time.
I was young, and
IMMORTAL.
I wanted to FIND.

I wanted to FEEL it,
That FREEDOM of mind,
Where PEACE and SERENITY
Leave troubles
Behind.

At first I felt nothing,
No SHOCK or REVEAL .
I asked my best friend;
He swore it was
REAL.

But then, a tingle.
A SMILE; a LAUGH!
My mind filled with
MEMORIES, thoughts
Of the past.

I couldn't believe it;
So much; so fast!
No longer depressed,
I rose from the grass.  

I felt like a scholar,
Or philosopher of old.
I walked to our table
To tell what it showed.

Of course, they were laughing,
But I didn't mind,
I knew what I'd FOUND.
I'd seen the DIVINE.