When I retire,  often late at night,
When the drink and the smoke have awakened my sight,

I close my eyes, and clear my mind,
And just drift away,  leaving earth behind.
And as I pace,  in my silent room,
I journey far beyond the moon.

I see all the stars,  and I've given them names,
And imagine that somehow I'll get there one day.

And then it appears, a desert so deep,
Two suns shine upon me; the sand burns my feet.
This place is familiar; I've been here before.
The sand,  a deep scarlet,  the color of war.

And as I go deeper,  my room disappears.
My eyes are still closed, but somehow I hear.
The voices are faint,  but I follow the sound.

And watch in awe as it rises from the ground.
A city of sand,  of steel,  and stone.
I stand at the gates of a city I've known.
Surrounded by peoples so unlike our own.

A figure approaches,  in patched leather clothes,
Red scales,  and a dragon- like snout for a nose.
He flashes a smile,  his fangs are all stained.

He says "I'd always wondered if we'd meet again. "
He extended an arm and clasped onto my own,
And said,  "it's good to see you home. "

It's Friday night,
And it's almost ten,
So I've hit the ***** streets,
To meet with some friends.

I've left my car keys,
"Forgotten" my wallet,
And taken the Metro
To where Main Street begins.

I found them at "Deans,"
Up a floor and a half,
Smoking some Black Magic
In the elevator shaft.

My new best friend
Is about to perform,
But He's got stage fright,
As such is the norm,

On a Friday night,
On Main Street...

Before they start playing,
They take one last drink,
Then the music begins,
Before I can think.

When it's over,  they're happy,
It was a nice crowd,
But now it's time to pack up,
And get the hell out.

So we left their guitars
In the bass player's car.
To go for a walk,
But we won't get too far,
Until we see shadows
And signs of life,

On a Friday night,
On Main Street...

They tilt from the corners,
And lean on the walls,
Their palms are held open,
Their gaze always falls.

They ask for a dollar,
Or something at all,
A smoke or a drink,
A simple phone call.

On Fridays like this,
I so often give thought,
To those unfortunate souls
Our "fair" city forgot,

In this land of  the plenty,
They have nothing at all;
Just a lonely spot,

On Main Street...

I woke up this morning,
My body so cold,
Not even blankets
Could warm me.

But I had to rise,  and
Somehow I know,
A day of sadness
Is upon me...

To think of my life
At seven A.M.,
Emotions so endless,
I don't think I can,

I've lived my whole life
With invisible bars,
My cage is my own,
My rage is the cause.

My one only secret
Is doubt and depression,
Twin shadows who
Follow at my heels.

But I still feel lucky,
Since I have my friends,
And they understand
How it feels.

As I swallow my coffee,
And breakfast of pills,
The weariness
starts to fade.

And now I am ready,
For frustration and ills,
As I don my black leather,
And pocket those pills

No matter what happens,
I'll be there,  and chill,
For life is a river,
Which flows where it will...

This morning I woke up and reached
for the knife,
Cause I thought for a second of ending
my life,
Then I took one more minute
and thought about them
My Father, my mother,  my family
and friends.
That **** you come up with real deep
in your head
On those mornings you wake up
and wish you were dead.
I said "**** it"and reached for
My whiskey instead,
Took a shot, Lit my Cigarette,
and
hopped out of bed.

It's been the longest time,
Since I've felt this alive.
So many years gone by
Since I've seen all these guys.

But on this day,  I rise,
When I was granted life,
To find my eyes surprised
By all their smiles and cries!

"Hey, happy birthday man! "
"It's been a long-*** time! "
"We planned ahead, and decided
To grab some whiskey and wine! "

And that was all it took,
To get it through my head,
That when this night was over
We'd likely do it again.

See, I'm a man with good friends,
I have a thirst I must quench,
And when Bacchus calls for me,
I always let the games begin!

And once these parties start,
They rarely, if ever, end.
And when the bottles do run dry,
Someone carries some more in.

"And every glass I take,  I do it not for me;"

"It's for His Majesty!"
"It's for His Majesty!"

Now it's the third warm night
And all the wine is gone,
The whiskey comes along,
And they break out in song:

"Another cup for mine!"
"Another night survived!"

"It's for His Majesty!"
"It's for His Majesty!

I still remember,
That special first time.
I was young, and
IMMORTAL.
I wanted to FIND.

I wanted to FEEL it,
That FREEDOM of mind,
Where PEACE and SERENITY
Leave troubles
Behind.

At first I felt nothing,
No SHOCK or REVEAL .
I asked my best friend;
He swore it was
REAL.

But then, a tingle.
A SMILE; a LAUGH!
My mind filled with
MEMORIES, thoughts
Of the past.

I couldn't believe it;
So much; so fast!
No longer depressed,
I rose from the grass.  

I felt like a scholar,
Or philosopher of old.
I walked to our table
To tell what it showed.

Of course, they were laughing,
But I didn't mind,
I knew what I'd FOUND.
I'd seen the DIVINE.

Straight from my hands to my nose.
Numb from my head to my toes.

Take a deep breath,  'cause its not
Over yet,
When your heart starts to pound and your head starts to sweat.

The denominations of your conversations,
They turn to elation and full demonstration,
It rings in your head like a radio station,
This rushed and egregious euphoric sensation,
This white lubrication for socialization,

This is what I call *******.

As I walk in the sunset,
Through silent, empty streets.
They peer through their
Windows.

People are afraid of me.

The virus has arrived
This newest of disease,
And with it comes the worst
Of humanity.

"Stay away from him.
He's Asian. They have
That coronavirus."

First off, I'm American.
I have to live here, too.
And yes, I'm scared,  I am.

I swear,  I'm just like you.

But don't look at me different.
Don't walk across the street.
Don't lift up your collar or
Tighten your mask
When I smile and wave to greet.

I am human. Not a monster.
I am not your disease.
Don't blame me for the mistakes
Of man.
I'm just trying to be me.

I just want to believe...

This mournful sky,
An endless grey.
Mother nature knows how I feel today...
My kindest friend
Has passed away...

His gentle smile,
The largest heart.
It's hard to believe you're a world apart...
What I would give,
If you could stay...

But what to do?
What can I say?
Every time we met, you'd always brighten my day.
We'd laugh and cry,
We'd drink and play...

With shining eyes,
You'd be my guide,
A part of me was lost on the day you died...
I hope, in sleep,
You find some peace...

The nicest man
I've ever known,
Taken too soon from a love- filled home,
The prime of life
Before your eyes...

But one day,
We'll meet again.
We'll share a drink and reminisce,  two best friends.
I'll see you there,
At heaven's end....

There has to be,
A place to see,
Somewhere they take in people even like you and me,
To keep us safe,
And set us free...

But just tonight,
I think i'll cry.
I'll say a little prayer and I'll whisper goodbye,
To a gentle man,
A friend of mine...

In dryest desert
Lay hidden jewels,
The monuments of days gone by,
Beneath the holy
Sands of Time,
Where altars to the Old Gods lie,

I found myself
Without my faith,
And could not pray, for I would die,
When I awoke,
Beneath the palms,
At the temple of the Ceruni.

To see their Gods,
Such power and fear!
For I've felt no presence as I have felt here,
So strong,  so pure,
So rich; Alive!
The Gods have felt so near this night.

I wandered in,
Through sacred gardens,
Which no other man had yet seemed defy,
And came upon her,
Her robes as the snow,
The Goddess of the Ceruni.

She beckoned me
From silvered dome,
Where she was seated,  upon silver throne,
I passed the great hemp
And red poppies which shone,
To lay my eyes upon her.

"O Dear Goddess," did i cry,
"Have the heart to tell me why,
When I have spent my days and nights,
Not quite dead, Yet not alive,
Am I shrouded in your Holy Light? "

She gave no words,
But simply smiled,
I, gripped by silence all the while,
Could find no speech
Nor pause for thought,
As she whispered lessons which one time, were taught.

You may think me mad;
I swear I am not!
I'll point out the towers if we find the spot,
Such silver and gold,
Such wonderful shine!
To be in a place where the Gods would recline.

I've witnessed the spires
Of fallen empires,
So proudly they stand in desert dry!
But I've no recollection,
Upon sudden reflection,
Of where the Holy Temple lies.

But when I die,
O, take me there!
Where hemp and poppy kiss the sky!
And on my slate,
Let them write,
"Here lies the last of the Ceruni!"

A shadow rises in the morning,
A sudden darkness through the trees.
The sun is shining through the doorway,
The spirits whisper on the breeze.

I found myself a lonely island,
A place, I felt,  I'd find some peace,
I missed the cliff as I was driving,
Missed the warm rush of the sea.

Another night on my horizon,
I stole a candle for some light,
I'd never thought much of surviving,
But I feel sure it'll be alright.

The lizard greets me in the morning,
The scaly messengers of kings.
And life is anything but boring,
when all that's left is empty streets.

The bells are calling them to mourning,
The ones who march in silent sleep.
A field of poppies beckons for me;
A shallow grave but three feet deep.

It's three A.M.,
I'm still awake...
Everybody's calling, but it's way too late.
So I decide,
to take a ride...

A hanging fog,
no license plates,
I don't know where to go, but I can find a better place.
I'll  park my car,
inside this haze...

Faded...
Faded...
I know I'm gonna find no peace tonight!
Just make a plan,
to stay awake...

And I'll be fine,
if I can find,
Another way to live without another white line,
without *******,
or Dexedrine...

With how I feel,
I need some pills,
I'll stimulate my brain,  hopping on the 'D' train,
And we can ride
And see the sky...

It's six A.M.,
I'm still awake,
Everybody's still calling, for Christ's sake!
But I don't care,
And I'll be there...

I've stayed alive,
since Friday night,
The week has only started but I know I'll survive,
This isn't much,
It's just enough...

Faded...
Faded...
Just another day when I can ride or die!
Just watch the sky
And nevermind...

She had everything she
needed,
To make most men fall.
Mindless zombies,
Men like me,  so oblivious
To it all.

Smelled her cooking,
So sick and
so sweet
A poison that's all her own.
****** swept her off
Her feet,
Now Holly
Wants to be alone.

She slithers down my street
At night,
A needle in her hand.
One more shot and ****** Holly
Fades to neverland...

In her eyes,  I see
Her past.
It's all so dark and sad.

Under her bruises,  I
Can see her light.
The only hope she
Has...

It's Saturday night,
There's people out dancing.
There's people out drinking,
But here I am sitting
At home all alone.

Is that even right?
I mean,  what am I thinking,
Just sitting here and shrinking,
Not taking my eyes off
The screen of my phone?

My friends haven't called me,
To drag me to parties,  
Or some crazy dive bar,
With two dollar drinks.

It's these kinds of weekends
That make me feel sorry:
I guess I'm just too gone
To party with, me.

But sometimes I hear it,
A knock at my window,
And i know that they
haven't forgotten me.

My circle is precious,
So few and so little,
But my friends are all
I've got,  you see.

So when they bring me
Gifts of whiskey,
Beer and the joy of
Conversation,

I'm always the one to
Respond in kind
And usually with
Much stronger libations.

I am broken;
A broken man.
Something important
Has died inside.

I swore to myself,
That I would never again
Lose control of my senses,
But now, here I am...

I drank so much liquor,
I poisoned myself.
And now, every day,  
I awaken to hell.

And one week later,
I thought I'd recovered,
But then came the pills,
And calls from my mother.

There's twenty-four hours,
In each of these days,
But for those lost moments,
I lived in a haze.

Too scared to seek sleep,
For the nightmares would come,
I wished to high hell
That I still owned a gun.

I opened my eyes
And a full day had passed.
The last I remember,
I'd fell to the grass.

The cop took some pity,
And instead of jail,
He took me to detox,
It didn't end well.

The sixty-four xanax
I swallowed that night,
Still give me the shakes
And I wake up in fright.

It may not have killed me,
But it might as well,
For someone so "blessed"
I feel broken as hell.

It's been two more days,
And I can't help but think
What may have happened
If I'd stepped to the brink...

No cliff is too high,
No bayou too small,
Even now, I imagine,
Of ending it all.

My friends have all left me,
There's scars on my hands.
It serves to remind me,
I am a broken man...

Ah, yeah, there it is...
It's been years; too long.
The memory has faded,
But the desire remains.

It's that feeling I've missed;
Such sweet, silent songs,
Such emotions debated,
No more clouds in my brain.

Just a painless, empty bliss.
I can smile, and fantasize,
And feel the warm sun's kiss
As I breathe and close my eyes.

Such a blanket never sewn,
Can bring me this warmth.
Confidence I've never known,
And some feeling of worth.

Finally,  I belong!
I'm here! Can you see me?
Nothing's wrong; not now,
I can just stand here, and BE.

Tonight, when they watch me,
Their eyes open in wonder,
I shall stand and deliver,
And quiver no more.

I am here.  I exist.
And I am not afraid.

Shiny shards of slowly death
Rush,  cough,  and take a breath..
Its all they can to re inject
Another night on Tina's breast.

I watch them from afar, disgusted
My two best friends went homeless,
Got busted.

See,  I might do some coke or smoke ***** all day,
But i can't understand this game they all play.

Always crystal or ***** or ****** or yay,
One more way to make my fiery heart fade.

But i told them i wasn't going back to those days,
I'll stick with my greenery, downers and stay...

Alive.

Summer is here...

But I can't feel it.

The sun is shining...

But it's not real.

There's something broken,

Inside my heart.

It began with the words

"Be together apart. "

Locked in my room,

I can't take this pain!

But I will endure. For my strength remains.

I will tell you now...

About the rain.

How it washes away,

Such abominable stains,

And comforts dearly,

The most stained of my name,

For I want for nothing,

But to see it again.

For even now,  our leaders,  they lie.

And could give less than we know,

If it's us who dies.

In these desperate times,

It's enough to be alive,

But every day now,  we're left

To ask why...

Oh, let the rain wash over us.

Oh, let the light of heaven shine.

And let the pain begone...

It was never mine.

Oh,  only now can I feel the rain...

Is there something I can find
Buried deep in my mind,

An allure which ensures
Me of hope?

So pure and unadorned,
So naked, as was born,

Just a light, just a spark,
That which pulls upon
The heart,

To awaken, and allow
Me to see?

Is there something, buried deep,
Among the feelings I keep,

Is there hope for the one
Who has none?

No more sadness,
No more pain,

No more for a stain,
For a shadow of
What I once had?

No more crying,
No more lying,

No more wishing
I was dying,

Is there hope for the one,
Who has none?

Somehow, I get myself in these situations,
Where all of my efforts can end in stagnation,

But sometimes I manage to find inspiration,
In my concentration and intoxication,

I've had so much beer i should be in my bed,
But there's too much to think of,

It's all in my head.

There's ideas and there's music,  there's joy and there's death,
And there's realization that there's nothing left.

See tonight I got word that it's working for me,

My whole life is decided,  I know what I'll be.
I'll write and I'll speak,  I'll get high and I'll teach,

And I'll be grateful for every mind that I reach.

But I'll always remember the path I once took,
Before novels and poems and college and books,

I'll remember the streets in December,  '09,
When I hustled for China and needles and wine,
When I first learned this world had two sides to its face,

There's the side that you see, then there's one other place.

And it's dark and it's *****,  but sometimes,  it's kind.
It can give you that shelter you've been trying to find.

But now after living in both of these worlds,
It honestly hurts me to have to decide.

Because one path will lead to respect in their eyes,
And the other will grant me that sweet peace of mind...

My two best friends,
They've changed so much
Since we first met.
We once were close,  
Though really,
Who isn't?
These are my
Two best friends.

I still see them often,
Each morning
Or evening.
When I drive home.
They always stand
On the same corner.
Not quite dead,
But not alive.
These are my
Two best friends.

Nevermind,
It's never mine,
What I've never done;
Never left behind,
I'd never thought,
I'd never find...

Broken,
Shaken,
Never had a thought;
Never crossed my mind,
Never thought I'd know,
Never thought I'd mind...

Shotgun,
Rusted,
Never thought twice,
Filled my veins with ice,
I've never lied,
I've Never died...

But never's fine,
I've never twice,
Played a game of never mind with my life,
I'll never find,

I'm never fine...

Doctors said,
"Kid, you've got problems.
Not to worry,
We can solve them.
Take this pill twice,
Every morning.
Here's two more for
When you crash. "

I was stupid,
What did I know?
Fresh in high school
Fourteen years old.
Life just seemed to
Pass me by,
Then I took one
And got high.

Freshman year,
In ROTC,
So on point, no one
Could beat me.
Then one day,
They caught my eye;
"You should probably
Meet this guy. "

Fifteen kids stuffed
In a closet,
Huddled around our
Technical sergeant,
In his hands,
Like shining diamonds,
"I've got stuff that you
Should try, man. "

Lortab, norco,
I'd heard stories.
Ritalin just didn't
Do much for me.
Tylenol 4 and xanax bars
Made me picture
Crashing  cars.

Everyone knew that
I had Addy, I drank beer,
And I smoked fatties.
They said,
"What do you want for go-pills?"
I said,
"I'll take ALL of THOSE pills. "

From that day,
My life was over.
Never again would I
Be sober.
Still I pulled through,
In the end,
With some help from
My 'new friends. '

Let's fast forward,
On to college,
Rich kids with their
Parents' wallets.
Track me down with
Midterm chills,
"Hey man, can I maybe
Score some pills? "

Hydrocodone, my
Best friend,
Stays with me until
The end.
Empty bliss that's
Like no other,
Gifted by my
Lovely mother.

Every month, I'd
Throw a party,
Young and stupid,
All invited.
Smoke some ****
And drink and chill,
Waiting for those
Luscious pills.

Talking smack and
Starting drama, waiting
Till we hear my mama,
Twist the **** and
Step inside,
Bongs and blunts were quick
To hide.

I said,  "chill, guys,
She's not stupid.
My mom's cool with how
I do ****;
Sure she likes to take my pills,
Still, she's brought me
All my thrills. "

"Twenty norco, fifteen xanax,
Pill for pill,
Understand that? "
Then she sat,
And smoked our joints,
"Oh my adorable
****** boys! "

Travis said,
"Dude, that's your MOM? "
I said,  "why, man?
Is there a problem? "
He said,  "nah, but ****,
She's cool! "
I said,
"Only since I've been in school. "

No, I've never felt
Such calm and such peace,
As when I have walked
These crowded streets.

With nods and smiles,
They call out to me,
To offer me greetings,
Or something to eat,

"Do you need a smoke, sir? "
"Hey,  I've got some ****, "
"It's always good to see you
Here,  Mr. C."

I just smile and I nod,
And say nothing at all,
I just give them a wave,
And remind them to call.

The dealers,  the junkies,
The sets and police,
They all know my name,
On the cracked Houston streets.

I know it's respect that
They're showing to me,
For all that I've done as
Who I used to be.

The scars on my knuckles
Still have yet to fade,
I carry my violence
And two deadly blades.

And those who once knew me,
As I was before,
They bow and they nod,
And they offer me more.

Feeling...
Ceiling...
Crush another can,
Something wonderful!
Wasted now,
Broken house...

Yeah...

Defeat,
Concrete...
Take another hit,
And it's all complete,
Just **** me,
Oh,  **** me...

Yeah...

Can't you see?
It's my creed,
Blood red seas,
So permanently!
And this is me!
Oh, this is me...

Yeah...

Sunlight,
So bright,
I think about a day,
I've never had my rights!
I'm Equal,
And Unequal...

Yeah...

Shadow ball!
Oh,  shadow ball,
Tell me why I never
Had faith at all!
Just let me sleep,
Oh, let me sleep,

Yeah...

Oh, Hashish,
And *****,
I can't imagine when
I've ever felt so numb!
Just guide me,
And hide me...

Yeah...

It's something new,
And something *******,
A form of happiness
I never thought I'd brew,
But still, I knew,
Oh, I knew...

Yeah...

Shadow ball,
Oh, shadow ball,
Tell me why I never
Had faith at all!
Just let me feel,
And leave me be...

Yeah...

There it is...
I can feel it!
Something great
Is happening...

Better than any
Pill or shot.
It's so real; it...
Feels so hot!

What's this feeling?
Such emotion!
Senses reeling,
Such devotion!

No more guilt
Or remorse,
Or regret!

Finally,  my
Insanity
Is something
I GET.

Sociopathy.
I have no regrets.
But I still feel
Depression.

There's nothing left.
Just this
Aggression.

If I go to sleep
I wake up
And I weep.

But you disrespect,
And you'll wake
In the street.

On lonely days,
when I feel broke,
The kind of day that feels like I've lost
All hope,
It comes to take
Away the pain...

It splits the sky;
It clears the rain.
It sends a ray of light into my
Shadow -filled brain.
For just today,
It'll be okay...

But sometimes,
Sunshine,
It clears away the fog and it helps remind,
That I deserve
This gift of life...

And sometimes,
Sunshine,
Means another day when I can
Let it all out,
And I can smile,
Without my doubts...

On days when I
Sit locked inside,
Feeling so depressed I couldn't laugh
Or cry,
I'd close my eyes,
And step outside...

And sometimes,
Sunshine,
Like a memory from another
Lifetime,
A warm embrace;
My kindest friend...

On endless months,
Or brutal weeks,
Those times when even sleep never
Brings relief,
No drink or pill
Can give me peace...

I lay awake,
Beneath the sheets,
Begging for a dream that doesn't have
To be sweet.
Just let me fade,
And end this day...

But when I wake,
It covers me,
Brightest of them all in the Great Black
Sea,
It seems to say,
"Come out and play. "

See, sometimes,
Sunshine,
Means another day when I can
Never mind,
And leaves me free,
To just be Me...

And sometimes,
Sunshine,
Makes me think about why I
Doubt myself,
This gentle breeze
Can set me free...

Somewhere,  out there,

There's a place where

I belong.



Somewhere, out there,

There's a face that

Sings a song,



To my mind,  

And it's mine,

And it's something

Meant for me,



'Cause somewhere,

Out there,

Must be a one

Who waits for me.



But deep inside,

I'm feeling blind,

There's so many things

That I've left behind.



I've loved, and

I've lost,

And still have

Yet to find...


But somewhere,

Out there,


Like a dream I

Can barely recall,

I know there's hope,

Even for somebody


Like me...


Broken,  insecure,

But somewhere, out there

must be a cure...



Somewhere, out there,

Till that day,

I'll endure...



All my loss and my pain,

And all the fear in

My brain,



Till  I find he who

Reminds,

Me of that joy,  

Once again...


Somewhere... out there...

I hope to dream again...

Full moon on a
Friday night,
sipping whiskey and
watching sky,

Howl, howl,
at the light,
The wind is pure,
Conditions right.

Southern Comforts I
hold dear,
Seasons won't
affect us.

Peace and harmony,
right here,
In the heart of
Texas.

Light my smoke,
unleash my dog,
A friend is cooking
his dad's wild hog.

Sipping whiskey,  and
making fog,
Full moon on a
Friday night.

A little more ice,
A little less beer.
A little more light,
A little less fear.

These Southern Comforts
I have here,
These friends who sway,
Around me.

The whiskey flows,
The fire glows,
These guys start talking
about old "hoes,"

And everyone knows,
how that **** goes,
Full moon on a
Friday night...

So many things
I've endured,
To be where I am
Today...

Molestation, aggravation,
All the things
They did to me...

Suicidal? Hesitation?
What are these
Two things to me?

PTSD, ASPD,
Anxiety...
So many names
Like games they play

For whatever is
Wrong with me.

But all I see
Is a sea
Of hopelessness;

A broken Me...
And I can't see
A cure for my

Deadly disease...

I just see "Me"...

My home. My safe place!
My sanctuary of peace and calm!

Deaf as I am,  I'm glad to have friends,
When someone tries to steal from my mom!

So we kept watch, over her van,
Seeing the shadows of an unknown man,

We're suited and booted; my knife
And his gun,
And we're ready to take him,
Or force him to run!

******* all,  I have work
In the morning,
But I'll be ****** if we don't
Send him a warning!

Our shout brought him out,
And we watched him run,
To go steal elsewhere,
But he'll have no fun!

Not here; not now.
At my grandmother's house.
So I stand and I shake,
Eyes wide open; awake,

A knife at my side, with
My rage as my guide.
Hell no! Not here!
Not now!

My home.  My safe place,
My sanctuary of calm!
So I await the coming sunrise;
No one ***** with my mom!

Tired...
My eyes burn,
My lungs ache...
The sun wakes me
Through the
Windows.

Dress myself
Wash my face,
It's time to endure
Another day...

Another rush
At the restaurant,
Put on a smile,
And pretend it's
Okay...

But I can't do this
For much longer,
My longest day
Is Sunday...