We are a little ****** up inside
The parts of ourselves we try to hide
Some of us dwell in trenches deep
Just like those up hills so steep

Looking at the life I know
Stars above
Ground below
Everything we do not share weighs us down
In the stress we'll eventually drown

Is knowledge we are missing too hard to reach?
Can be the one to show me how and teach
More bad habits every day
But you can take them away

Is more serotonin what I need?
Expensive to sense/cents to feed
Rather fix hormones in my brain
Than leave be and go insane

A long way to go
Climb off my knees
Halfway there start to wheeze
Missed shot
I'm on the bench
Opportunity failed
Fists clenched

Throw confidence against wall
Kindness shown to others
Not self at all
And around in circles I run
Like clock hands thoughts are never done

Confetti exploding
Colorful shower
Pieces of heart shredded by the hour
No bravery
No guts
No *****
No spine
Days will never again be mine

No hurry to grow older
Faint embers to smolder
Story etched
Layers of stone
Exhausted to skin and bone

Walking motion
Too worn out to sprint
Precious time now viewed with tint
Inhumane way of wearing death out
Lies before infinite route

Mirror whispers
"You are not good enough"
Existing breath hated and rough
Body in conflict with the voice in my head
Dangling from a solitary thread

The day hazy because I am confused
Hop from mistake to mistake unexcused
Revealing that despair is long
Unchanging as I mosey along

My heart warming
Trying change
And thawing as flaws disarrange
Can think I'll get better
I never will
Spending time savoring that thrill

Laughing days that passed by in a rush
Crying
Sharing stories we gush
We are only distracting from the pain
Is a point ever reached
Where you slip down the drain?

A need to fix
Need to heal
No way of stopping the bad **** I feel
Move feet but I'm stuck in place
****** up all I can't erase

At the bottom
This empty hole I've dug inside myself

Waiting to be saved

Catching a glimpse of light above

Those glimpses are getting fewer
Far between

I think about the idiots who told me
"It's mind over matter"

I had a mind
To lift above matter
Ever since I lost it the matter is too much to bear

I had a dream last night
That you were here with me
For eight hours straight your baby blues
Were all that I could see
But morning shook me awake
I realized I was again alone
When you said the word goodbye
You took away the arms I call home

If you knew how deeply I love you
Amount of pain you have made me bear
Would fall to your knees in tears
Full of regret that you pretended to care

I think the reason so many of us hide
We are a little ****** up inside

Once your trust is placed
In somebody else's hands
Out of your control

Forgiveness taking far too long
Knife out and in my hands
My own judgement tasting wrong
Back and blood understands

Using to sharpen wit but not
Hurt anyone
Zero exceptions
No matter if they ought
Harm myself is my intention

Their heads in false guillotines
Hair drenched in sweat
Manage to turn my cheek
Wrong that this pain I let

They are supposed to care
The ones who betrayed
Just expected them to be there
My feelings were played

Until understanding why
Heart will keep bleeding
Alone continue to try
Never made progress in succeeding

I am a hypocrite and I hate it

Transparency exposing every flaw

Remain unable to stop myself becoming everything I tell others not to be

Submerged in frequent failure

The world asks to be patient

To do my best days like this
Have hope despite the constant barrage of problems

To flatten wrinkle of worry across my forehead

But when I achieve that
Can still feel the worry wrinkles in my heart

When thoughts of happiest memories drift into my mind I am momentarily at peace

Perfection the only word that comes close to what those memories feel like

We picture roses and dinner
For us it's also more than that

All images infused with laughter
Affection
Intimacy

Landmarks of relationship laid out before me like the wonders of the world
You are the wonder of MY world

No words ever mattered more or have ever cemented themselves so deeply in my heart as "I love you"

And of countless things about us I have questioned
Belief in that phrase was never one of them

Those who lie dearest to your heart
Care for
All we have is now
Might not get another chance to express feelings
Time may not allow

Strong since I met suffering
Visions of future bright
Silent but risky assumptions
Have more than just tonight

All I do is wish for forever
You never truly know
How many moments remain taken for granted
Or chances left for love to show

Porcelain cracks
My heart is made of plastic

Earth will quake
Glass will shatter
Ceramic vases and statues falling to the ground and breaking apart
China plates will smash
Pieces scattering zillions of different directions

But me
Body will remain strong and unscathed
While others try gluing themselves back together in vain

Holding head in place until the shaking is through so the screws holding it on don't rattle loose

And I am not sure when this transformation occurred
It used to break often
After one too many beatings it evolved into this cold lump in my chest
Safe and sound regardless of who tries to destroy it

Sometimes I feel small and alone
Intoxication will beckon me home
Only find there is nobody there
An empty glass and emptier chair
Maybe if I had not treated them so bad
Loved ones I would HAVE
Instead of HAD

I wish you would allow your heart to heal
Hidden hurt you've chosen to conceal
Just so we move past pain long kept within
Finally open the door to this Hell we've been residing in
I'd let you be free from my excessive concern and fear
Then the fog of constant stress would lift and suddenly clear
But that would not be the end of negative feelings I know
A start to killing all the troubles we ought to let go
A real solution is challenging to find
More and more impossible to leave mistakes behind
I wish you would be quick with forgiveness for my sins
Anticipation dances on nerves like needles and pins
Once you make decision to stay forever by my side
Can take petty problems and cast them aside
To know you are trying hard is all I really need
Have faith that my efforts if patient will succeed
I can be monstrous when I wage war with my own brain
Understand I don't mean words I utter when I'm insane
Someone could come across your path and mend the gaping hole
Unintentionally dug with my foolish choices in the depths of your soul
But I am sure you would miss me and the laughter that filled our days
Tears temporary
Love always

If this is at all possible
Take time out of day to appreciate the little things

A little gratitude goes a very long way

Reason to celebrate can be found
In the ******* situations

I know life is difficult
It is not impossible

Do not know what the future has in store but the one thing I can always foresee is laughter

Is this a premonition?

Catch your fleeing breath
I am thankful for shared air
Need your exhaled love

Your light will dim if you let it

You will have whiplash from the metaphorical car crash resulting because when that light is turned off you have no way to see the road
No way of making out which direction to go

You will not make it very far

The light will come back on only if you allow it to

And with it sense of control and confidence

You will be seeing clearer again in no time

First friends do not stay
First lovers go away too
Life's lessons in pain

You left in a state of confusion

I was sure what we had was concrete
All of a sudden I found myself drowning in a flood of emotions

If my assumptions about him are right
It is going to take more than friends for him to see the light
Jumped gun without stopping to take a second look
Scared before I had a peek under the cover of his book

Their hearts were broken
Without doubt
It was too sad to bear
Whenever he saw her out
Passed like she wasn't there

I hate when I lose my cool
Let my crazy show
Bits and pieces slip through my cracks
Otherwise carefully kept below

A world of chaos hides behind eyes
Beyond my skin
Nobody suspects the battlefield
That sets stage within

My neck hurts from holding up weight
Of thousands of mental disputes
Neurons connecting in my brain
And nervous system in cahoots

Around so much ruin each day
Anxiety running my soul
Fracturing under pressure
I snap
I lose control

Sometimes clash like oil and water

I am an asteroid crashing your otherwise peaceful planet

There is nothing propelling me forcefully into your atmosphere yet again and again you unintentionally end up the target of my gravitational destruction

Our blood types incompatible but I insist on ripping you open wide while my own hands dripped self-inflicted wounds aching with resentment

Why must we be so different when our emotions are the same?

Don't you know what damage you do to me?
Obvious if you just look
Chaos easy to see
Can read me like a book

Love in the way I move
Embedding every cell
Impossible to decrease or remove
I am under some sort of spell

Dancing around corner housing truth
Afraid of what is lying in wait
Doesn't take an expert sleuth
To figure what signs indicate

With the time and effort I give
Hoping for resolution
Thought we would find a better way to live
Resulted in destitution

Don't you know you are the reason why
I tolerate array of abuse
Cheat on me
Manipulate
Lie
Yet somehow remain my constant muse

Potential picks up pieces
Each time illusions shatter
Infatuation never ceases
When promises scatter

And all that matters
The end of the day
Is overwhelming adoration I feel
Is worth the hefty price I pay
Experiencing something real

It is sad how I never cross your mind
In mine you never stop
Harbor peace I cannot find
Places wish we could swap

If love no longer hangs on heart
Inform so I can start to accept
Our bodies must be apart
Owe me at least that respect

Is it difficult to share
Thoughts inhabiting your brain?
Done my best to make you aware
Of both happiness and pain

Head spinning due to disappointment
Your silence says it all
Attempts to evoke enjoyment
Lead straight to a brick wall

Whisper prophecies in ear
How many moments til we're done?
Don not hide what I would rather not hear
Nowhere else to run

You do not dare to break the careful facade
Worked so hard to protect
In denial of behaviors flawed
Too badly to halt or correct

Somewhere along path we travel
Feet strayed from the planned route
We are forced to watch our dreams unravel
Trapped without a way out

Afraid problems are too high to rise above
Inevitable is here so quit trying to pretend
Don't you know there is nothing that can save our love?
Even the strongest relationship comes to an end

No matter how years go by
Still catch me when I fail to fly
Fixing wounds so I mend
Until the very end
You encourage to work hard and succeed
Providing for my every need
Feeding a hot meal at least once a day
Shelter with zero rent to pay
Ensuring I am comfortable and at ease
Letting me do whatever I please
Helping put down bad habits I hold
And leave behind so I can grow old
Reminding me to brush teeth and hair
You overdo it only because you care
I am lucky to have a mother like you
Devoted
Affectionate
And nurturing too
I know 'thank you' are words I should say much more
I promise I am very grateful for
All the time sacrificed not getting rest
In order for me to live the best
Thank you Mom
I am blessed

You let go without saying goodbye
I never mattered at all
After that can you please explain why
You expect forgiveness with just one call?

And tell me I'm special because you're alone
Missing connection we had
Can you tell me in an honest tone
If life was different you'd feel bad?

Everything makes sense except heart
Still beats for solely your name
After you thoughtlessly tore it apart
Love you exactly the same

I am with you in my dreams at night
Can't control the way I feel
You want me
You must treat me right
Prove emotions are true and real

If you give me proof that you are different now
I would leave your mistakes in the past
The taste of your words is familiar
Matches the flavor of bait from lines cast

What I realized is that this is a game
Think ******* with my head is fun
Relationship must be a joke to you
Guess what
You are the only one

When I looked at obvious disregard
For feelings I shook my head
In disbelief you could be so cold
I so easily misled

Door open to you
So many years
Regardless how long you stayed
Was happy you graced me with your presence at all
It's time I put up a barricade

Your eyes would be shocked discovering
Not as weak as I've always seemed
It was stubbornness preventing freedom
Clutching tightly to future we dreamed

Such beauty and tenderness faded
Cruel reality laden with distress
Blind to surrounding hazards
Woke up too deep in this mess

Sitting amidst a plethora of problems
Above reach everything I want most
Projection of the life I could have had
Traded for shaky taunting ghosts

Both directions lay empty
Quiet
Swerve my neck left and then right
Around me is an abundance of air
I can't find any light

Everything I experience grey
Colors make haste
Retreat
Inside the dim stale atmosphere
Also a concerning lack of heat

For when I train my eyes upwards
Sun has vanished from the sky
That or I am being forced away
Rays are far too high

And I contemplate our ending
Have no choice but accept our fate
Memories will remain etched on my heart
One by one your feelings disintegrate

I do not wish to be blind anymore
Want to face fear
Closed eyes are sore
More worn than they appear

My vision broken
Said my piece
Words were spoken
Feel anger cease

Madness profoundly lifted higher
Joyful instead of sad
Swept up in happy fire
Drying teardrops had

Dammed emotions
Barrier built with sticks
Keeping in oceans
So waters won't mix

But it is time for it to fall
I am not ready to tear it down
Catch pieces of wall
Released to hit ground

Mourning loss of armour strong
Vulnerable
Naked
And bare
Warmth I needed all along
Love
It was always there

You would have to be blind to miss the signs
And not connect dots with lines
The sand in my hourglass draining at a faster pace
My feet themselves are stuck in place
When all that's visible is a brief highlight
Of the flaws kept out of sight
I want to believe what I pretend
Questions I can't comprehend
Unaware my journey is difficult to understand
Try to hold patience
It slips from my hand
If waves were weapons I'd be washed out to sea
Riddled with bulletholes and every type of injury
We could be battle scars on reality to heal
All blue and black
Zero pulse left to feel
Cloudy white sky
Soil below
Pushed around by conscience energies flow
If you were star I swear you'd be the sun
Waving from perch higher than any other one
Train derailing
Scheduled to arrive on time
I would be riding caboose with residual **** and grime
Trapped in last because I never win
In frozen still shots captured posing in
Looking for a positive review
Can call me names cause they're all probably true
In a world fantasy I do my best to keep it real
Battle coincidences
Being up front with how I feel
The truth is not always the easiest to bear
That is an honor with others you must share
Revealed lies to be nothing more than cages
Shattered soul with edges of false pages
Ultimately putting me into an early grave
My fate is sealed
I am too gone to save

You never were the best at opening up wide
Preferring instead to trap weakness inside
To walk these thin lines between love and hate
You've mastered a particular gait
So that you don't trip over perplexity
Playing hopscotch to avoid injury
Limping from your phony pain
Past scars long healed
It seems like make-believe wounds are the only ones revealed
Recent crash in interest leads to exaggerated claims
Fishing for attention just a part of your games
Head over heels
My heart beats blood red
Pounding in fear that your devotion is dead
You said last time you checked your feelings had not faltered
But if that's true then tell me why your behavior has altered
You'd give anything to make me happy
Except your time
My expectations are steadily lowered while accusations climb
To go back to the beginning is my greatest desire
Embers are all that remain of a once raging fire
Wearing a pair of lacy ******* in hopes they will make you stare
But the sad reality is even that won't make you care
I know you never meant for things to end up the way they are
Neither one of us realized we would take extremes this far
Yeah back in our youth we were naive but strong
Over the years we succumbed to the current nudging us along
Never thought we'd see the day our dreams caved in and switched to doubt
Now your presence is a privilege I might have to live without