Throw me to sea
A message in a bottle
See where I wash up
I was born to be free

Spirit raised by coyotes
I spend my nights howling at the moon

I will come back here one day
For now my roots are short so I plant myself wherever the wind carries me
Bloom in any soil

My heart guiding the way

You won't find freedom
Desire blinds eyes and heart
Never finding way

Just entered the garden of eden
Fresh
Beautiful
And vibrant
Also unchallenging and eerily void of imperfection

Like spring buds innocent
Before petals wilt
Faced with disappointment in the seasons

Lips a deeper shade of scarlet than forbidden fruit itself
Sweeter than sinful apples dangling from the seductive tree

The measure incomparable

Anything outside this sanctuary irrelevant

Temptation beckoning soul with an invisible sultry finger

Indulgences vary
The magnetic pull remains the same

Why would a tree grow here if we were not meant to dine on it's tantalizing treasure?

I bet someone else
Is so lonely like I am
All by themselves tonight

Tossed by waves like a boat
On top of the sea
Surrounding are miles of blue
Hope I do not sink too deep

I remember decembers spent together

We are a little ****** up inside
The parts of ourselves we try to hide
Some of us dwell in trenches deep
Just like those up hills so steep

Looking at the life I know
Stars above
Ground below
Everything we do not share weighs us down
In the stress we'll eventually drown

Is knowledge we are missing too hard to reach?
Can be the one to show me how and teach
More bad habits every day
But you can take them away

Is more serotonin what I need?
Expensive to sense/cents to feed
Rather fix hormones in my brain
Than leave be and go insane

A long way to go
Climb off my knees
Halfway there start to wheeze
Missed shot
I'm on the bench
Opportunity failed
Fists clenched

Throw confidence against wall
Kindness shown to others
Not self at all
And around in circles I run
Like clock hands thoughts are never done

Confetti exploding
Colorful shower
Pieces of heart shredded by the hour
No bravery
No guts
No *****
No spine
Days will never again be mine

No hurry to grow older
Faint embers to smolder
Story etched
Layers of stone
Exhausted to skin and bone

Walking motion
Too worn out to sprint
Precious time now viewed with tint
Inhumane way of wearing death out
Lies before infinite route

Mirror whispers
"You are not good enough"
Existing breath hated and rough
Body in conflict with the voice in my head
Dangling from a solitary thread

The day hazy because I am confused
Hop from mistake to mistake unexcused
Revealing that despair is long
Unchanging as I mosey along

My heart warming
Trying change
And thawing as flaws disarrange
Can think I'll get better
I never will
Spending time savoring that thrill

Laughing days that passed by in a rush
Crying
Sharing stories we gush
We are only distracting from the pain
Is a point ever reached
Where you slip down the drain?

A need to fix
Need to heal
No way of stopping the bad **** I feel
Move feet but I'm stuck in place
****** up all I can't erase

At the bottom
This empty hole I've dug inside myself

Waiting to be saved

Catching a glimpse of light above

Those glimpses are getting fewer
Far between

I think about the idiots who told me
"It's mind over matter"

I had a mind
To lift above matter
Ever since I lost it the matter is too much to bear

I had a dream last night
That you were here with me
For eight hours straight your baby blues
Were all that I could see
But morning shook me awake
I realized I was again alone
When you said the word goodbye
You took away the arms I call home

If you knew how deeply I love you
Amount of pain you have made me bear
Would fall to your knees in tears
Full of regret that you pretended to care

I think the reason so many of us hide
We are a little ****** up inside

Once your trust is placed
In somebody else's hands
Out of your control

Forgiveness taking far too long
Knife out and in my hands
My own judgement tasting wrong
Back and blood understands

Using to sharpen wit but not
Hurt anyone
Zero exceptions
No matter if they ought
Harm myself is my intention

Their heads in false guillotines
Hair drenched in sweat
Manage to turn my cheek
Wrong that this pain I let

They are supposed to care
The ones who betrayed
Just expected them to be there
My feelings were played

Until understanding why
Heart will keep bleeding
Alone continue to try
Never made progress in succeeding

I am a hypocrite and I hate it

Transparency exposing every flaw

Remain unable to stop myself becoming everything I tell others not to be

Submerged in frequent failure

The world asks to be patient

To do my best days like this
Have hope despite the constant barrage of problems

To flatten wrinkle of worry across my forehead

But when I achieve that
Can still feel the worry wrinkles in my heart

When thoughts of happiest memories drift into my mind I am momentarily at peace

Perfection the only word that comes close to what those memories feel like

We picture roses and dinner
For us it's also more than that

All images infused with laughter
Affection
Intimacy

Landmarks of relationship laid out before me like the wonders of the world
You are the wonder of MY world

No words ever mattered more or have ever cemented themselves so deeply in my heart as "I love you"

And of countless things about us I have questioned
Belief in that phrase was never one of them

Those who lie dearest to your heart
Care for
All we have is now
Might not get another chance to express feelings
Time may not allow

Strong since I met suffering
Visions of future bright
Silent but risky assumptions
Have more than just tonight

All I do is wish for forever
You never truly know
How many moments remain taken for granted
Or chances left for love to show

Porcelain cracks
My heart is made of plastic

Earth will quake
Glass will shatter
Ceramic vases and statues falling to the ground and breaking apart
China plates will smash
Pieces scattering zillions of different directions

But me
Body will remain strong and unscathed
While others try gluing themselves back together in vain

Holding head in place until the shaking is through so the screws holding it on don't rattle loose

And I am not sure when this transformation occurred
It used to break often
After one too many beatings it evolved into this cold lump in my chest
Safe and sound regardless of who tries to destroy it

Sometimes I feel small and alone
Intoxication will beckon me home
Only find there is nobody there
An empty glass and emptier chair
Maybe if I had not treated them so bad
Loved ones I would HAVE
Instead of HAD

I wish you would allow your heart to heal
Hidden hurt you've chosen to conceal
Just so we move past pain long kept within
Finally open the door to this Hell we've been residing in
I'd let you be free from my excessive concern and fear
Then the fog of constant stress would lift and suddenly clear
But that would not be the end of negative feelings I know
A start to killing all the troubles we ought to let go
A real solution is challenging to find
More and more impossible to leave mistakes behind
I wish you would be quick with forgiveness for my sins
Anticipation dances on nerves like needles and pins
Once you make decision to stay forever by my side
Can take petty problems and cast them aside
To know you are trying hard is all I really need
Have faith that my efforts if patient will succeed
I can be monstrous when I wage war with my own brain
Understand I don't mean words I utter when I'm insane
Someone could come across your path and mend the gaping hole
Unintentionally dug with my foolish choices in the depths of your soul
But I am sure you would miss me and the laughter that filled our days
Tears temporary
Love always

If this is at all possible
Take time out of day to appreciate the little things

A little gratitude goes a very long way

Reason to celebrate can be found
In the ******* situations

I know life is difficult
It is not impossible

Do not know what the future has in store but the one thing I can always foresee is laughter

Is this a premonition?

Catch your fleeing breath
I am thankful for shared air
Need your exhaled love

Your light will dim if you let it

You will have whiplash from the metaphorical car crash resulting because when that light is turned off you have no way to see the road
No way of making out which direction to go

You will not make it very far

The light will come back on only if you allow it to

And with it sense of control and confidence

You will be seeing clearer again in no time

First friends do not stay
First lovers go away too
Life's lessons in pain

You left in a state of confusion

I was sure what we had was concrete
All of a sudden I found myself drowning in a flood of emotions

If my assumptions about him are right
It is going to take more than friends for him to see the light
Jumped gun without stopping to take a second look
Scared before I had a peek under the cover of his book

Their hearts were broken
Without doubt
It was too sad to bear
Whenever he saw her out
Passed like she wasn't there

I hate when I lose my cool
Let my crazy show
Bits and pieces slip through my cracks
Otherwise carefully kept below

A world of chaos hides behind eyes
Beyond my skin
Nobody suspects the battlefield
That sets stage within

My neck hurts from holding up weight
Of thousands of mental disputes
Neurons connecting in my brain
And nervous system in cahoots

Around so much ruin each day
Anxiety running my soul
Fracturing under pressure
I snap
I lose control

Sometimes clash like oil and water

I am an asteroid crashing your otherwise peaceful planet

There is nothing propelling me forcefully into your atmosphere yet again and again you unintentionally end up the target of my gravitational destruction

Our blood types incompatible but I insist on ripping you open wide while my own hands dripped self-inflicted wounds aching with resentment

Why must we be so different when our emotions are the same?

Don't you know what damage you do to me?
Obvious if you just look
Chaos easy to see
Can read me like a book

Love in the way I move
Embedding every cell
Impossible to decrease or remove
I am under some sort of spell

Dancing around corner housing truth
Afraid of what is lying in wait
Doesn't take an expert sleuth
To figure what signs indicate

With the time and effort I give
Hoping for resolution
Thought we would find a better way to live
Resulted in destitution

Don't you know you are the reason why
I tolerate array of abuse
Cheat on me
Manipulate
Lie
Yet somehow remain my constant muse

Potential picks up pieces
Each time illusions shatter
Infatuation never ceases
When promises scatter

And all that matters
The end of the day
Is overwhelming adoration I feel
Is worth the hefty price I pay
Experiencing something real

It is sad how I never cross your mind
In mine you never stop
Harbor peace I cannot find
Places wish we could swap

If love no longer hangs on heart
Inform so I can start to accept
Our bodies must be apart
Owe me at least that respect

Is it difficult to share
Thoughts inhabiting your brain?
Done my best to make you aware
Of both happiness and pain

Head spinning due to disappointment
Your silence says it all
Attempts to evoke enjoyment
Lead straight to a brick wall

Whisper prophecies in ear
How many moments til we're done?
Don not hide what I would rather not hear
Nowhere else to run

You do not dare to break the careful facade
Worked so hard to protect
In denial of behaviors flawed
Too badly to halt or correct

Somewhere along path we travel
Feet strayed from the planned route
We are forced to watch our dreams unravel
Trapped without a way out

Afraid problems are too high to rise above
Inevitable is here so quit trying to pretend
Don't you know there is nothing that can save our love?
Even the strongest relationship comes to an end