No matter how years go by
Still catch me when I fail to fly
Fixing wounds so I mend
Until the very end
You encourage to work hard and succeed
Providing for my every need
Feeding a hot meal at least once a day
Shelter with zero rent to pay
Ensuring I am comfortable and at ease
Letting me do whatever I please
Helping put down bad habits I hold
And leave behind so I can grow old
Reminding me to brush teeth and hair
You overdo it only because you care
I am lucky to have a mother like you
Devoted
Affectionate
And nurturing too
I know 'thank you' are words I should say much more
I promise I am very grateful for
All the time sacrificed not getting rest
In order for me to live the best
Thank you Mom
I am blessed

You let go without saying goodbye
I never mattered at all
After that can you please explain why
You expect forgiveness with just one call?

And tell me I'm special because you're alone
Missing connection we had
Can you tell me in an honest tone
If life was different you'd feel bad?

Everything makes sense except heart
Still beats for solely your name
After you thoughtlessly tore it apart
Love you exactly the same

I am with you in my dreams at night
Can't control the way I feel
You want me
You must treat me right
Prove emotions are true and real

If you give me proof that you are different now
I would leave your mistakes in the past
The taste of your words is familiar
Matches the flavor of bait from lines cast

What I realized is that this is a game
Think ******* with my head is fun
Relationship must be a joke to you
Guess what
You are the only one

When I looked at obvious disregard
For feelings I shook my head
In disbelief you could be so cold
I so easily misled

Door open to you
So many years
Regardless how long you stayed
Was happy you graced me with your presence at all
It's time I put up a barricade

Your eyes would be shocked discovering
Not as weak as I've always seemed
It was stubbornness preventing freedom
Clutching tightly to future we dreamed

Such beauty and tenderness faded
Cruel reality laden with distress
Blind to surrounding hazards
Woke up too deep in this mess

Sitting amidst a plethora of problems
Above reach everything I want most
Projection of the life I could have had
Traded for shaky taunting ghosts

Both directions lay empty
Quiet
Swerve my neck left and then right
Around me is an abundance of air
I can't find any light

Everything I experience grey
Colors make haste
Retreat
Inside the dim stale atmosphere
Also a concerning lack of heat

For when I train my eyes upwards
Sun has vanished from the sky
That or I am being forced away
Rays are far too high

And I contemplate our ending
Have no choice but accept our fate
Memories will remain etched on my heart
One by one your feelings disintegrate

I do not wish to be blind anymore
Want to face fear
Closed eyes are sore
More worn than they appear

My vision broken
Said my piece
Words were spoken
Feel anger cease

Madness profoundly lifted higher
Joyful instead of sad
Swept up in happy fire
Drying teardrops had

Dammed emotions
Barrier built with sticks
Keeping in oceans
So waters won't mix

But it is time for it to fall
I am not ready to tear it down
Catch pieces of wall
Released to hit ground

Mourning loss of armour strong
Vulnerable
Naked
And bare
Warmth I needed all along
Love
It was always there

You would have to be blind to miss the signs
And not connect dots with lines
The sand in my hourglass draining at a faster pace
My feet themselves are stuck in place
When all that's visible is a brief highlight
Of the flaws kept out of sight
I want to believe what I pretend
Questions I can't comprehend
Unaware my journey is difficult to understand
Try to hold patience
It slips from my hand
If waves were weapons I'd be washed out to sea
Riddled with bulletholes and every type of injury
We could be battle scars on reality to heal
All blue and black
Zero pulse left to feel
Cloudy white sky
Soil below
Pushed around by conscience energies flow
If you were star I swear you'd be the sun
Waving from perch higher than any other one
Train derailing
Scheduled to arrive on time
I would be riding caboose with residual **** and grime
Trapped in last because I never win
In frozen still shots captured posing in
Looking for a positive review
Can call me names cause they're all probably true
In a world fantasy I do my best to keep it real
Battle coincidences
Being up front with how I feel
The truth is not always the easiest to bear
That is an honor with others you must share
Revealed lies to be nothing more than cages
Shattered soul with edges of false pages
Ultimately putting me into an early grave
My fate is sealed
I am too gone to save

You never were the best at opening up wide
Preferring instead to trap weakness inside
To walk these thin lines between love and hate
You've mastered a particular gait
So that you don't trip over perplexity
Playing hopscotch to avoid injury
Limping from your phony pain
Past scars long healed
It seems like make-believe wounds are the only ones revealed
Recent crash in interest leads to exaggerated claims
Fishing for attention just a part of your games
Head over heels
My heart beats blood red
Pounding in fear that your devotion is dead
You said last time you checked your feelings had not faltered
But if that's true then tell me why your behavior has altered
You'd give anything to make me happy
Except your time
My expectations are steadily lowered while accusations climb
To go back to the beginning is my greatest desire
Embers are all that remain of a once raging fire
Wearing a pair of lacy ******* in hopes they will make you stare
But the sad reality is even that won't make you care
I know you never meant for things to end up the way they are
Neither one of us realized we would take extremes this far
Yeah back in our youth we were naive but strong
Over the years we succumbed to the current nudging us along
Never thought we'd see the day our dreams caved in and switched to doubt
Now your presence is a privilege I might have to live without

Use imagination to picture a face
On top of mine
Empty space
In future if you find your attraction fading
If necessary to keep doubts from invading
Never want you developing a wandering eye
The alternative may mean admiration is a lie
Past chemistry we could not debate
In the present my body you are hurt by or hate
Patience no easier to get
Further than a different planet
No more mapped than dark side of the moon
Yet warmer than the bottom of this blackened spoon
Patience is cost effective
Scarce to find
Patience is free
Rare in the mind
Patience is waiting for me
For me to be a new somebody

Long nights consume the slivers of day
Darkness is the Alaskan way
Has the song sung in summer flew away with the birds?
Our have we just forgotten the words?
Been in the shadow cast by winter's arrival
Since then the cold has been my rival
Branches break the sky up like pieces of glass
I look upwards as I walk waiting for danger to pass
Over hills the moon hangs in late afternoon
Hovering like a half-inflated balloon
Commitment to visibility not faltering a bit
Sometimes partly hidden but never completely quits
Dreams of warmer weather weave strands throughout my brain
Trying to ignore the snowfall exclaiming outside the windowpane
Putting all effort into embracing the ice
I can't be the only one who thinks some sunshine would be nice

Do not gaze in wonder

Paralyzing completely with one single
Purposeful glance

The depth of your stare affects me more than expected

Sadness in my soul climbs to the surface and escapes my lips with a sad drawn-out sigh
Quiet
Heavy

The nostalgic moments play in head from the carefree days of our youth

With sounds of our four lungs breathing in synchronization the only noise disturbing the comfortable silence dousing the room

The sarcastic smile I have grown fond of lands on your transfixed expression as you state in a simple loving manner
"We do not get along like we used to. I swear there is no one else in the world I would rather have kick my *** than you and your dainty yet damaging fist"

Wanting to one-up heartfelt compliment I reply
"I agree completely, there is no one else on earth who could ever hug me so tight my feet lift off the ground afterwards and have amazing passionate make-up *** with besides you"

Let's not forget the way we were
The happiness we used to hold
Before the seasons changed on us
And winter turned your heart cold

And bones crack from the drop in temperature
Surprised at your lack of emotion
Sharp details of each moment clearly defined
As if you are moving in slow-motion

Stillness more than I can stand
Sometimes you are as rigid as a statue
Like an exhibit in a museum
Impressing all who view

Storm of chaos brewing inside
Kept under a silent veil
I try to pry a confession from your mouth
Ultimately I always fail

I know your body in and out
Every inch of your flesh mapped in mind
But you won't let me peek underneath
This perfect mask you hide behind

Eternal conflict is my burden
Faced with an impossible choice
I should respect myself enough to let go
But I'm addicted to the sound of your voice

Reflected in the mirror are mistakes
In the form of scars on my skin
After 25 years on earth I know better
Yet still partake in bittersweet sin

Life is just easier with you there
I can't see it any other way
We may not always get along
But I still choose you every day

I miss those times you'd stare at me
Love prevalent in your eyes
With every teardrop adoration drained out
Your dilated pupils now show only lies

And the moments of intimacy shared in the past
Get further and further away from what's real
But no matter the distance between memories
I'll forever remember how you made me feel

Make up *******
You always do

Is there a sliver of hesitation when the colorful stories you animate roll off your tongue like hot butter melting across a frying pan?

You alone have this mystical ability with words
Spinning ordinary
Innocent
Letters with sick deranged threads
Vindictive deception

But don't even realize you're doing it

It is remarkable

All this emptiness is filling me up slow
Can I be full of nothing?
Don't know

There is agony in the way of my love
Affection is still there
But since you left me broken
I am afraid to share

The pain beneath my blank expression
Is kept hidden by composure
But every second spent talking to you
Herds me closer to exposure

I place my doubts into your hands
Willing to take them or not
That's the extra baggage that comes with
When you ask for a second shot

As I face my biggest fears
I'm forced to stand alone
Strength was never my strong suit
But I'm doing just fine on my own

Deep down I miss the ecstasy
Evoked late nights in bed
Hands ripping the bedsheets
Legs wrapped around your head

Heavenly desire
Tasting like honey sweet
I pick and choose old memories
Then play them on repeat

Echoes of dreams begin to fade
Ambition vanished long ago
Any sign of forward movement
Is a halfhearted show

Every object pupils view
Now appears lifeless and drab
Every time I think my wounds are healing
Another reminder rips off the scab

Every score is settled now
I think you would agree
After the madness we've been through
How can I believe we are still meant to be?

The chains have held me here so long
I've become used to this place
Assumed it's where my heart belonged
But perhaps that's not the case

I whisper "Please don't let me go"
Frightened it's already done
I blinked my eyes and you disappeared
Without a word decided to run

Remember me when you lie awake
Kept up by regret for before
By the time you realize what you have
It won't be there anymore

I have been trying to control the need
Escape ruthless desire
Hide fears within quiet looks
Start to falter and tire
For each time you leave my side
Another day crumple into a ball
Try to stand up by myself
Every attempt immediately fall
Way too wobbly to carry own weight
Legs always buckle and cave
Powerful devotion I feel for you
Holds me captive
A slave

Your noise
It touches ears like no other
Your smell
A scent unique to you
Your lips
Kiss tastes sweeter than blueberry pie
Your caress
Skin grazes
I melt like only you make me do

Moving faster on than the speed of light
I am stuck here standing still
Make the journey look so easy
The climb is all uphill

I have attempted to take the first step
Cannot manage even minute motion
Limbs must weigh a thousand pounds
Resistance as if in the ocean

My awareness acutely sharpens
Realize I am in over my head
Suspected the pain would hit me eventually
Didn't know it would feel like a ton of lead

Waves of loneliness continue crashing down
Drowning in a sea of solitude
Silence keeps me company at night
Amplifying disquietude

Toxic impure tainted thoughts
Stain images in my brain
One by one they descend and splatter
Like stinging drops of acid rain

Poisoning environment
Questions harsh and demanding
Every breath inhaled is polluted
My body somehow remains standing

Inside hopes are spiraling to the ground
Impact results in fire
Burning dignity
Blackened and charred
Flames that never tire

Wayward demons romp in soul
Delight in my dismay
Carving tic-tac-toe boards into flesh
Misery just another game they play

I reached a brand new all time low
Abandoned strength to care
Cannot find the motivation to do Laundry
Today I wore no underwear

Those unfortunate enough
Cross my path
Targets for my distress
Knowing causing them despair
Does not make mine any less

I bear witness to actions
Hardly can trust my eyes
This selfish behavior is that of
Somebody I do not recognize

A sporadic black hole swallowing light
Eclipsing visible sun
Pacing anxious circles
Trapped
Nowhere to run

I wonder if you gazed at me now
Would you feel any emotion at all?
Have you closed off your heart from me
A tall
Thick
Cement wall?

For one last kiss I would trade with glee
Every possession I own
Nostalgia blooms under skin
Chilling to the bone

I felt lightning when we touched
Flash of passion warm and strong
I feel frozen without that spark
Depending on it so long

The galaxies in eyes were deep
Brighter than the multitude of heavens stars
Shining harder when staring at me
Still sparkle wherever you are

I miss the way torsos collided
Hugging eachother tight
Perfect puzzle pieces molded
Fitting together just right

So much time experienced by your side
Why do I yearn for more?
Should be content with memories
Let you walk out the door

An invisible string tethers me here
Tied with fear and blame
Following like a shadow
Like a moth to flame

A small voice tucked within
Whispered phony fantasies
Argued there was still hope for us
Was wrong to entertain those pleas

You take my universe in palms of your hand
With fingers firmly shake
It collapses
Manage to convince me
It was caused by MY mistake

Again you paint my world grey
Colors fade from sights eyes see
I have no right to be mad that you took them away
You are the one who gave them to me

The day you decided to leave
Without saying goodbye
Consider a sort of funeral
Let our relationship die

Twilight finds us separate places
Dwelling in a dream
I inhabit dreaded ditches
Realities worse than they seem

But I was affected more drastically
By the void left behind
You felt a bit emptier alone
I lost huge chunks of heart and mind

You carried on with your chin held high
No ghosts stalking every move
Recollection of rippling presence
Haunting hologram I can't remove

Into self-pity I throw myself
Asking for merciful end
How else will I find relief?
Tried countless ways to mend

That ends in certain failure
Lacerations cannot fully close
They bleed and bleed and bleed
Dripping out woes

And I was at breaking point
Each cell cracked and shattered
Exploded into tiny particles
Damaged
Across soil scattered

With a gust of wind was disbanded
I'm fated to retrace my tracks
Collecting pieces of my soul
Haven't yet gotten all back

You changed me irreversibly
Can't stand my reflection
Where beauty you used to know once stood
Is a paradigm of imperfection

For life of me I can't remember
When switched from hot too cold
The truth is my temperature dropped
My hand is now too icy to hold

How do I turn the years around?
Still can't find the lever
Why can I not face reality?
Give up this idea of forever

Balance breaking around you
I can't let go and be free
None of this nonsense will regain time lost
It's like you are unable to see

There are way too many bad decisions
I'm trapped by remorse for all
Know I should forgive and forget
I guess my heart is too small

What happened to trusting nature?
When did life stop feeling good?
Can't keep living a comparison
To where I once gladly stood

So I try to focus on the future
You promise not to forget the past
Try to leave regrets behind
Hold me because the minutes fly too fast

My lungs desire reconciliation
They do not dare admit
Eyelids are sore and drenched
Closing bit by bit

My lips only part to speak
Hoarse
"I hate you so ******* much"
The air is dry and heavy
Body wants your dark touch

Three am is our witching hour
Scared of little disputes
We both morph into monsters
Into obnoxious brutes

Turns out evil seed is sprouting
I think it can't survive
Wondering if I uproot the wickedness
Will I need help to thrive?

Beauty within seems so far out of reach

Being slim comes easily

Starving for something more fulfilling than calories or carbs

For a glowing serving of enlightenment

I am kept awake until dawn arrives
**** these aching wide open eyes
Near to dreams
Near sleep
Far from relief I seek

On bed symmetrically sprawled
Restlessly flipping pillow
Wailing into fistfuls of blankets
Ghostly curtains billow

"You lost him!"
Written everywhere
Each and every item you touched
It's agonizing how I'm forced to see reminders
As if I didn't already long for you too much

******* my thumb like a nervous toddler

I fooled her into believing
Retained the innocence of a child

And like a baby cried into the void around me without reason

She licked wounds I pretended to have like a lioness cleans the fur of her cubs

Slurping my regrets like spaghetti noodles

I hid truth and to reciprocate she exposes my vulnerability as an infant

Despite deception she still longed to fix whatever made me lie in the first place

And that made me realize
Wasn't acting like a babe anymore

That night was a newborn again

Until the day I die swear I will never stop loving you
Until you prove you mean it what am I supposed to do?
You did things to display to everyone
Proud you were of me
Those days are done
Apart from Instagram posts teeming with corny lines
Rarely make the effort I need to see you remain mine
Start following through plans you make
Try to be extra nice when I first wake
Do not throw away the cards I construct
For birthday or Christmas no matter how ******
They may be unpleasantly messy
They are created with love
It hurts when to the side you crudely shove
Distressing seeing how little I mean
All that we hoped you no longer dream
Of lost joy and the friends who used to care
No longer expecting me to be there
I am sorry for being part of the reason why
No longer carry the spark in your eye
It was not my intention to cause you pain
Now your suffering is my greatest shame
All I wanted was for us to both become something more
Now I'm wistfully wondering what I did that for

The soul is something to nurture
To be touched with gentle hands
Will only blossom when cared for
By someone who understands

And your eyes feel like a dagger
Piercing through my skin
Puncturing vulnerable parts
Hidden deep within

Once full of serenity and strength
My body now lies hollow
An ocean of potential dried up
Empty pit where demons wallow

Drawing me in against my will
Like a fish caught on a line
Powerless to escape the hook
Captivity hard to define

Freedom drowned in a sea of regret
Pulled by the tide's direction
Swept up in the undertow
Waves crash and silence objection

Reasons remain a mystery
My heart caged without knowing why
Held hostage by past transgressions
Imprisoned by forces too great to defy

I would like someone to care enough
Be brave and at least try
Find a ladder taller than treetops
Climb over my wall and say hi

That would be miraculous
No one dares come close
Cannot seem to attract any company
Too much wicked water around my post

How do you dam moat protecting
Parts hidden from the rest of the world
Do you let down the gates surrounding?
Fortress leaving carpet unfurled

How do you open organs up?
When you make walls shutting out
Spiral into solitude
One day you'll be happy without

The answers you will not find in yourself
At least never on your own
Won't discover our purpose in life
Until we put down the cell phone

Maybe it is the technology
Distracting from walls each must scale
You need to hit the power button
Reach the top without fail

Chaos around
Catastrophe within
You are dreaming the cage we are living in
I do not tell a soul
In solitude stand
Fearing they won't understand

We all need something to help get us by
Whether you realize it or not
Some of us make the choice to get high
On methamphetamine
****** or ***

Even if just a little bit
Everyone has a vice
The unfortunate succumb to it
Wiser try only once or twice

Still others choose a different crutch
To aid them in their distress
Food
Work
*** and such
Are addictions nonetheless

We tangle pain with love and fear
The knot increases in size
Swallow it down and chase with a beer
Or drown it in exercise

Pour a drink made with clear liquor
Mixed with a dash of frustration
Anything to **** feelings quicker
Avoid any sensation

If we don't face the cause of our heartache
Problems will only get worse
Each day in this nightmare our lives are at stake
Each fall closer to the hearse

Once we accept that we need to change
We can forgive ourselves and heal
Freedom and peace are not out of range
If we stop running from what we feel

The beat of my heart changes in your presence

Can sound like slow steady thumps one moment
The rhythmic blinking of two piercing eyes

But the millisecond you approach me
The heart stuck on the invisible metronome within is flung wildly

I do not possess the strength to control it

I have enough leverage to confine it to the prison inside my chest

And after it's behind bars I feel it pounding against its cell
For freedom

The easy paced beat suddenly switches to the fast thumping of a dogs tail wagging with sheer delight
Hitting the floor repeatedly

I take a minute
Reflect on the difference and I have an epiphany
THIS is how my dog feels when I come home from work each day

I love when I look at my footprints and see that I've moved forward

I may not have arrived at the other side yet
At least I am not stuck standing still in the middle of the road like I was before

I break when I glimpse the light breaching asphalt from oncoming headlights
Crumple to the ground

Because today for the first time the distance completed has been greater than the distance left to travel