cut me open
and let all the
ink run
from these veins,
until my words
bleed dry,
and only
blank pages remain.

i have eyes that only shine
in the sunlight
these eyes hide
in the darkness
and even though
i've got shooting stars
some wishes can't cover the pain
i've scarred my heart with

Shaking hands
with the darkest
part of my thoughts
is like making
a pact with the devil

i battle the demons inside my head
i fear what they've done
i fear what they've said
in this war, there is no winner
no hope for me
a lonely sinner

what are you going to do when your body's lowered?
alone in the dark with only your past.
blurred vision
drowning in delirium
what are you going to do when your body's ready to decay?
you really thought you were here to stay
what difference to the world have you really made
think again my friend
because it could all change
today actually just might be your day

you don't understand
how much it took for me too finally ask you out
and how happy it made me feel
when you said yes
i was so happy
finally, happy
you told me it was mutual
you felt the same
now it's beginning to feel like a twisted game
you go away on summer camp
you say you're having doubts
i thought you'd at least give us a chance
but it was over before the month was out
why allow me to believe you liked me
when you only saw us as friends?
why allow me to smile and be happy
when you were just waiting for it to end?
what do you expect me to say now
when i'm sat here crying?
knowing you had no intention
of ever really trying
there's nothing more i can say
now than it hurts
and that she won't be the same
because it was me who loved you first

it doesn't get better

i'm gay.
no. i can't be.
i must be staright.
ok fine not straight.
but there's still no way i'm gay.
that ****'s just not okay.
maybe I can call myself bi
and suddenly it all seems right
i did though honestly really try.
but no, definitely not straight
which should be okay.
i shouldn't be scared to go to my parents and say.
mum, dad.
i'm bi.
i shouldn't be judged by the public eye.
for my decision not to date a guy.
the word love isn't up for debate.
regardless of who i choose to date.
love is always the same.
love is love.
it's the butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach each time you see them.
it's the fear in your heart that they might not always be yours.
it's the hope you have for the future.
the smile you see on their face.
love is just that. love.
i've finally accepted myself for who i am.
why can't you do the same ?

lying on our backs
looking up at the moon
the starless sky stares back at us
i turn to face her
she has her eyes closed
fully immersed in the moment

dizzy with anger
the light dims in my head
why the **** does it matter to what they said?
i fall to the floor
letting the water envelope my naked body
everything is sore
i refuse to understand
to comply
hot tears race down my face
why do i ever bother and try?
when all i end up doing is crying
i looks down at my arms sighing
the water turns a crimson red
would it be so bad if i was left here dead
all these thoughts spiralling through my head
because it really does matter to me what they said

i have always loved the flowers and the birds,
loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by
i have always loved the way the leaves move
in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they make
yet the tiredness that begun a while ago
remains like a veil over my skin
grey and cold
and as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway
outside the window
there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy.

it sits like november rain on my skin
enough to chill what was once warm inside
at any other time I would have called a friend
asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off
just a little is enough
nnow I just let it come
drop by drop
i feel like it's an ocean falling upon me instead of rain
that the grief of years I carefully suspended
has all condensed right above my head into a cloud
large enough to block the sun
they say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time
when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen
thing is, i just don't care
i plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb

music to me is like turning back the clock,
travelling to return to a life of agony and loss
i embrace the music and in turn the music takes control
i find myself in a different world
a world of pain
i could feel my soul become one with the music
as i unleashed my emotions into dance
i needed this as badly as i needed to breathe
my entire body moved with a purposeful clarity
my smile on display for all to see
but no one saw the tear i let roll down my cheeks

listen to the sound of me
screaming, aching, begging
for something, anything
pleading to simply be
listen to the sound of my feet
pacing, back and forth
questioning everything
refusing to understand
listen to the sound of my heart
trying desperately to keep me alive
despite my many attempts on ending it all
listen to the sound of society
telling me i'm wrong, broken
that my choice to love is sinful
that i'm forgoing a place in 'heaven'
listen to the sound of me
telling the world i don't care
that "if i'm losing a piece of me
maybe i don't want heaven"
maybe all i want is to be

i see my life hung out to dry
my memories slowly falling to the ground
my mind losing all colour
leaving behind a shell of the person i once was
slowly i shrink

tired of being alive
i'm tired of not wanting to be alive
i'm tired of having responsibilities
i'm tired of pretending everything is okay
i'm tired of going to a house that i'm supposed to call home when 
it's not that at all
it's a roof over my head to keep me warm not sane
i'm insane
i'm tired of thinking i'm insane
i'm tired of arguing
i'm tired of having to put in headphones to block out the world
i'm tired of the world
i'm tired of writing about my feelings
i'm tired of hiding my feelings
i'm tired of having feelings
i'm tired of thinking
i'm tired of breathing
i'm tired of being tired

from rain
should i turn into a storm?
howling like the wind
making noise
to get you to hear me?
more raindrops
more tears
to make you feel
drenched in remorse?
harsher and faster
much like a hurricane
to get you to see
how messed up i am?
when i'm strong
like the storm
would you love me more?

looked at, talked about, judged
moving away, leaving but they won't budge
drive you crazy, wondering, hoping
yet you just sit around, alone, "moping"
"your life has no meaning!" "go **** yourself" "die"
in that corner, crying, "don't do it" "why?"
time passes slowly the end approaching
you welcome it happily so long you've been waiting
even now it couldn't come quick enough
so long, farewell to all this stuff

I want it to end , the pain, the torment
the feeling that I'm being ripped apart from inside out.
I walk around unnoticed
I sit crying, pleading for it all to stop.
I don't want it to feel this way.
There's nothing I can do differently,
it doesn't care.
This black cloud doesn't look at the person before affecting it.
It just does.
It just chooses never to leave.

sometimes I think to myself am
i the only sane one left but right now
it seems as if
it's all me
it's my fault, whatever
it is
my mental health being as unstable as
it is
it's my fault
my mum only ever showing the illusion of happiness
it's my fault
i've been told i can't do anything right so why should
i bother trying at all trying to move forward, to make progress
why can't i just end
it?

A girl, just a girl
Can’t go out, can’t Converse
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
I want to be heard too
I want to have the same freedom my brother does
Not bear the fear of being judged
Being told I can’t but how could I forget that
I’m a girl, just a girl
I’m supposed to sit quietly and tolerate it all
Can’t go anywhere and simply enjoy
Even out here so far from home
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
Why is it that me being a girl allows
You to make decisions for me?
Because that’s just it
I’m not just a girl!

Shining light on even the darkest of places
Enforcing happiness resulting in all sad thoughts to wilt away
It's actions aren't limited to a certain person, place or time yet no one can argue with it's divine way of capturing emotion and guiding it towards the answers that weren't ever thought to be asked.
The childish recklessness you indulge in makes you forget your problems because what problems could a child possibly have.
You allow yourself to go back to a time the illusion of happiness was real because of it.

Found alone, unappreciated.
Each finger trailing my bones, gazing intensely at me.
These judgemental stares surpass those glares encountered in life.
Found buries beside an untrimmed hedge, a locked door.
Never welcome, never cared for.
The foreign feel of these gloved hands.
This alien touch ******* me from all that I had left.
Nothing is left inmy possession.
Just looked at, not understood.
Each lain brick accounted for, not a thing out of place.
All these indentations eft by footprints mark what should have been my final resting place.

Circulating around our bodies.
Emanating within us.
Blood contains the action of life as without death becomes apparent.
It's otherworldly appearance striking fear to the eye.
A distance remaining as hot blood can so easily turn cold.
Heartless.
Temper unpredictable, no reason for its outburst.
But still the desire lets itself be known.
Amounting to more than your will, the crave, the hunger, the need and the unhealthy obsession.
But always the danger, the lust and the calming comfortable ambience it presents with its presence.

Surrounding our every decision air envelopes us in a way that feels right, needed.
Our choices made clear and immediately diminished in comparison to its calm demeanour.
Seeming insignificant in it's presence.
We conform, unwilling to understand what consenquences may perhaps come forward if these actions aren't fulfilled.
Yet we can't exist without it, we hunger for it.
Holding it close we let it in.
Allow it to become one.
Before you realize what it's capability can expand to.
Too much can change everything and just enough feels infinite.

Raw beauty of the Earth refines itself.
The Earth and it's people need each other as without it survival is limited.
Perhaps the want of need affects one more so than the other.
Greed, hunger, it lusts for its reality to change.
The nostalgic feel of home, of nature draws you in and permits you to leave yet you decide against it.
The Earth changeable within itself.
Never truly knowing its own true intentions.
Lethal.
Dangerous.
But forever secure.
Your choices insignificant, your memories, your judgement clouded as two big egos are never compatible.
Yet you both crave it.
The difference.

There's just so much water.
Blinding to the eye, torturous to the skin.
I fear this is it.
I can feel my laboured breaths mimicking my beating heart.
Time has no importance.
I can sense my eyesight blurring, my body giving way.
Allowing the water to take full control.
I realize that this was inevitable but is still yet delayed.
The water envelopes my body.
Nothing can be kept sheltered, hidden as I've let myself get to this.
My vulnerability becoming me.

It's able to diminish existence, to end life.
Fire can slowly destroy everything.
It's appearance almost therapeutic.
A glance transports you to another word , one where you're left alone to think and to reminisce.
It's auburn shade and blistering touch oddly appeals to the senses guiding you to the error of the world.
Fire can be demanding.
Can control and force you to reconsider your decisions.
It can make you conform to its ways yet you allow it.
You welcome it because what's a world without danger.

Did you wander the fields the way I did?
Tell the stories that I told?
Ask the questions I never thought to ask?
Were you scared of the dark the way I am?
Did you also dream of a life you could live for yourself?
Did you fight those last few days?
Did you know if your predicament?
Were you as angry at the world as I still am?
Were your questions ever answered?
Did you accomplish anything at all?
Were you able to make the decisions you wanted?
Do you still look over us today?

Chiseled slightly, drained from colour.
Bones now just imitations of life, these remains left forgotten.
Realisation that it can all end so easily, your existence left insignificant.
Known more for it's death than it's eight years of life.
Sudden change changes everything, comes unannounced, death forces you to comply, to conform.
To make the illusion of your short lived life worth something.
Pieced together in a haphazard puzzle, never explained.
It's true story left unknown.

I found you
I found myself when I found you
I wasn't alone anymore I had you
I was put together there were no more missing pieces
We were the perfect puzzle
Onlookers envied what we had
We had so many crazy memories
memories I haven't yet been able to forget

Then I lost you somewhere
There were fights, disagreements
So our puzzle just broke
We feel apart piece by piece
I tried everything I tried so hard to fix that puzzle
I couldn't accept that the pieces
just didn't fit together anymore

I lost myself
I found you pieces reconnecting with new pieces
My pieces left alone again
Torn
Shattered
Alone in their box

I just want one last look
at the beautiful puzzle we shared
even though it won't help me get over the pain
The pain that has ruled over me for months
I guess I  just can't close the lid to that box

The words that you want to be said
are never the ones you hear, you change
yourself so far you forget who
you once were. You try and please
everyone yet their expectations are
always too high. You aren't ever good enough.

You don't show any clear emotion, don't permit
Me to begin to understand why this is the way
You react, there is never a real explanation
You never thought i deserved one. i don't think
You know how much i truly felt that need for
You to just accept me, not judge me but
You don't know when to stop because
You enjoy it, enjoying hurting Me

I want to be able to smile at You
and have you smile back, to talk to You
and actually visibly see You
having an interest in what i have to say. You
sitting next to me right now just brings
back everything . all those memories of what
i haven't yet been able to forget and how a
simple misunderstanding changed it all. You
there laughing with all your new friends, Your
back to me asking to if it's possible for You
to move to sit next to someone else.
i really thought we could figure it out, You
never allowed it to be any different. You
made it clear to me about what it was You
wanted , never once considered what
my decisions would've been. i'd have chosen You

Some days I lose inspiration
To write the words I feel
But when I put it into words
The feelings seem so much more real

I write my words of sadness
Scribbled on a page
In between spaces are
My heartbreak and my rage

The feelings I can't tell them
Or the things I just can't show
But behind my eyes I'm hurting
More than you'll ever know

Perfect
A very confusing yet consuming word
Everybody wants to be perfect
Yet they don't know what it means
Nobody is Perfect
Nobody has ever been perfect
Sure people can think you're perfect
But you can't be perfect to every single person
There are different images of perfect
Every single person strives to be their image of perfect
But I know I don't
I know that I can never achieve that goal
So I strive to be original
Be weird
An outcast
Crazy
An individual
Me

My mothers beginning to worry
I don't eat enough
I'm glad to know she cares
But it isn't love

My fathers asking me if i'm alright
And I tell him a lie
I'm just as close to him
As any other guy

My friends don't ask
They don't see the signs
They don't look for sadness
Or my scarring lines

So I keep my fake smile
To keep them all away
Because even if I told them
They'd all leave anyway

I skip a heartbeat, and still I survive,
Be hit by a car and still be alive.
The clouds could drop right out of the sky,
The oceans could disappear, and all turn dry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without you,
You're there when I need you to help me through.
Through the good times and through the bad,
Be them happy, or be them sad.

I don't have to be with you, to know that you're there,
I don't have to see you, to know that you care.
We could be apart for years upon end,
and still remain the best of friends.

Life goes on, and people change,
Though our friendship still remains the same.
What a life and how things come to be.
Just thought you should know,
How much you meant to me.