[14:33, 19-11-2020] did i just get my *** hurt over someone who doesn't like me? yes. yes i did
[14:56, 19-11-2020] we sat together in geography (and every other class. it's basically a rule that me, him and my best sit together every lesson) and we touched arms the whole lesson
[14:56, 19-11-2020] and we kept touching feet in math yk
[14:57, 19-11-2020] i could feel it but i couldnt look up because i was dissociating
[14:57, 19-11-2020] like they touched but we didnt move
[14:57, 19-11-2020] and i nearly sat on his lap in the break
[14:57, 19-11-2020] so anyways i crave affection and he makes me feel so genuinely happy it's disgusting
[14:58, 19-11-2020] but when he walked out of the school he just looked at me and left without saying anything or waving or sum yknow
[14:59, 19-11-2020] and like that's okay, we aren't dating or anything, but it seemed out of place
[14:59, 19-11-2020] at least today
[14:59, 19-11-2020] and he's in a different classroom in the test week so i won't see him anymore til the 30th
[14:59, 19-11-2020] that's 11 days and it makes me sad
[15:00, 19-11-2020] i might see him but i don't think so
[15:01, 19-11-2020] i feel so disgusting like why do I have to fall in love and why now with him it's terrible ****
[15:01, 19-11-2020] : i can't go a week without drama in my emotions

Yeah, You're really easy to write about. Some people are hard to capture. Not because they aren't 'deep,' but because they just don't have that thing. That thing that makes you turn your head around again becuase you just want to have another look at those eyes. Maybe this will help explain. You have people, and some of those people are really good at writing. And some aren't. Now imagine if you take a really good writer, and someone who struggles with it, to write a poem that captures the beauty and feeling of, for example, a broken window. Someone who's good at writing, good at seing the beauty and the broken in things, can write it down with so much ease. On the contrary, someone who doesn't see it, it's way harder to write everything just about right down. I feel like I'm one of those people who can turn everything into poetry. And you said, you never expected someone to write about you. But I know, and I'm sure of it, that if you ever met another poet, they'd write about you too. Because every poet I know, would turn their head around too.

The next poems
Will be shitposts
Because I'm on vacation
Sorry

Please don't spoil endgame...

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 1, poetry
Poetry. Pieces of someone's soul. That feeling  When you love a poem, any. When you realise it's worth it and when your head is full of poetry. When You can look at anything and feel happy, like a true poet. When you look at the ink on your fingers and wish you had forever to write poetry and read it just because you can. Live.

i wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

Oh, Hannah
I wanna feel you close
Oh, Hannah
Come lie with my bones
Oh, Hannah
Don't look away
Oh, Hannah
Just look at me the same
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
(Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah)
Oh, Hannah
Tell me something nice
Like flowers and blue skies
Oh, Hannah
I will follow you home
Although my lips are blue and I'm cold
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
I don't wanna be your friend I wanna be your *****
And I wanna touch you but not like this
The look in your eyes
My hand between your thighs
Oh, this can't be real
Its all just a dream
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
Lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
Lose my breath

I wish I was a riot grrrl - Destructo disk

wish I was a riot grrrl, a riot grrrl punk
Fighting for equality and smearing all the chumps
Across the walls of the local clubs
Fueled by feminism and hard drugs
I like to talk politics i like to strike fear
In all of the oppressed men that'd stand in my way
I'm not your plaything
I’m a ******* queen because who needs a king

I wish I was a riot grrrl, feminazi punk
Not your average ordinary day job girl
I won’t take your abuse
Quit acting like a ***** and making up excuses
Girl, hanging with Bikini ****
Female empowerment fills up the room why men
A never ending movement
All of these things make me wish I was a riot grrrl

I wish I was a riot grrrl, that would be cool
Taking what you know and breaking all the rules
Screaming in your face till your ears get tender
Teaching you a thing about race and gender
I’d like to kick your ***
Yeah that sounds fair
Hiding my brutality behind dyed hair
Men with guitars they don’t know ****
And if they wanna talk **** they can meet me in the pit

Girl, hanging with bratmobile
If i can’t hit those high notes, i’ll just squeal them
Into the crowd, its where i belong
Undercover feminine punk rock
Called riot grrrl
Riot grrrl

A lot of photo's
Are taken every day.
But a few are really special.
So many memories,
Shared with my friends.
The world tears us apart.
But we stick.
The problem is,
Will you still remember me,
If these pictures are lost and gone?

< >

Waking up from a dream
not knowing if I'm really awake
Am I remembering a memory?
or is this thing inside my head a dream?

Days go by and I don't know
memories are overflowed by dreams
I look around and wonder
What if this was real?

That's the thing with life,
No one makes it out alive.

If it involves you, pasta or sunsets count me in.

Under the table in math class
I feel your foot touching mine
And for the first time in a long while
I can say for 45 minutes, that I'm fine
It's times like these that make me better
Like when I'm nearly lying on your lap in the break
I know I love you, so I'll miss you
If you would run away, I hope it's me you'd take

I fell of the stairs for the 2nd time today.


(This is a joke ssshhh)
(I did fall off the stairs though)

Yes, feelings ****. Not that I have a lot of them, but the ones I have **** me up, and mess with my brain, body and mental health. The only place I still feel genuine hapiness is with you. I'm happy in a lot of other places, with a lot of other people. And I wouldn't wanna change those moments. But I'm never the same happy I am with you. I've never felt something quite like that hapiness. I used to see you pass by in the hallway, and still, if I pass you by, my eyes light up a little. It used to be hard to find you in a crowded place, now your face is the only face I seem to find. You don't wear colorful clothes, but you always catch my eye. You light up those really dark places, just by being there. You don't even need to smile. I don't think a lot of people see that. I don't think you see that. But I do. And I don't think I would still be able to see in the dark without that light. I'd stumble and fall, over and over again. And it's okay if I have to walk there, alone in the dark, for a little while, because I know that if I'd fall again, you'd be there to catch me. Maybe not now, Maybe not everytime, but someday, in the future, It may be.

I will follow you to heaven,
If you come with me to hell.

XV - The devil

Do not fear the devil, fear yourself
For you destruct your life like no one else
You must deal with your desires
Against responsibility your heart rebels

Intoxicated and easily manipulated
You wear your heart out on your sleeves
The fire around you shines brighter than the sun
You obsess, and the devil decieves

Mama - MCR

Mama, we all go to hell
Mama, we all go to hell
I'm writing this letter and wishing you well
Mama, we all go to hell
Oh well now, Mama, we're all gonna die
Mama, we're all gonna die
Stop asking me questions, I hate to see you cry
Mama, we're all gonna die
And when we go don't blame us, yeah
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah
You made us oh so famous;
We'll never let you go
And when you go don't return to me my love
Mama, we're all full of lies
Mama, we're meant for the flies
And right now they're building a coffin your size
Mama, we're all full of lies
Well mother look what the war did to my legs and to my tongue.
You should have raised a baby girl
I should've been a better son
If you could coddle the infection
They can amputate at once
You should've been
I could have been a better son
And when we go don't blame us, yeah
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah
You made us oh so famous;
We'll never let you go
She said, "You ain't no son of mine!"
For what you've done they're
Gonna find a place for you
And just you mind your manners when you go.
And when you go don't return to me my love,
That's right
Mama, we all go to hell
Mama, we all go to hell
It's really quite pleasant except for the smell
Mama, we all go to hell
Mama, Mama, Mama, ohhhh
Mama, Mama, Mama, ohhhh
And if you would call me a sweetheart
I'd maybe then sing you a song
But the **** that I've done with this **** of a gun
You would cry out your eyes all night
We're ****** after all
Through fortune and flame we fall
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way
To return from the ashes you call
We all carry on
When our brothers in arms are gone
So raise your glass high for tomorrow we die
And return from the ashes you call

The conversation went like this:

J: "Hello daughter"
(It's an inside joke, we have a whole family tree :)
Me: [Looks at J]
J: "uh, Son"
L: "Son!"
L: [Smiles and hugs me real tight]
(L is trans too)
J: "How dare you ignore your mother"
Me: [Hugs J too]
Us: [Laugh]

For the past eternity
My mind exists out of two things
I disgust you
And I want you really bad
Maybe it's the difference between
Mental and Physical
I hate your personality
I want your body
Sounds logical
But for the past eternity
I'm craving both

I'm trying to keep up
But it just makes me fall behind more

There are so many kids dying of cancer,
And I'm here dragging a blade through my skin.
Life is so unfair,
Why can't I just die instead of them?

When you get older
Plainer
Saner
Wil you remember
All the things
You lost on us
It hurts me
More than you'll ever know
Wish i could go back
To the days i was lost on you
Night full of stars
Adrenaline rushes
The bittersweet taste of your lips
A cold gust of wind outside
Cigarette smoke around our faces
Eyes light and glister
Wrapped up blankets
Two glasses of malt whiskey
A fire in the burning in the hearth
And in us
A comforting arm
A comforting smile
It was good
But perfect can never stay
They pushed me,
And you away
You came back
So please come in
And help me remember
When you were lost on me
If I let myself
Love you

God I hate being busy

I am the only person
That can not notice
When my best friend comments:
"We're in that town too"
Anyways I met her on our holiday
It was funny

My scars are finally starting to heal a little,
But my veins are itching for more.

I'm under house arrest
For having a mental breakdown
And not letting my mother read a poem

End me

it's 4/20 for a whole month
nice.

Two player game - Be More Chill
( One player game rewrite - Your Local Grocery Store )

~

Apocalypse of the teens
Level 9
The cafeteria

Find the bad guy, push him aside.
Then move on forward with your books at your side.
It's a one-player game, so when they make an attack,
You know you got a backpack, gotta watch your back
Then you stay on track and
Ah! remain on course.
If they give you a smack you
Gah! use your force.
And if you leave some ******* behind it’s fine
Cause it's an effed up world,
and it's a one-player game, hey!

I like to talk about cool stuff like casettes
It's just that no one else but me really cares
I’m just a nothing in this high school scheme,
But it's no big because I don’t need a team.

I like out of print games, retro skates,
Got a Pac-Man tattoo.
Nobody here appreciates,
But soon I’ll be a student where they do.

Cause guys like me are cool in college
cool in college, yes I know.
Guys like me are cool in college,
rule in college, I wish I’d know
High school is hell, but I navigate it well.
Cause what I do,
Is I make it a one-player game!

Zombie!
Watch out!
Ah!
Wha-!?
Aww..

As loser I have fought on my own for years.
Both Nintendo zombies and these popular peers!
Now I’m stuck on a level and I wanna move on.

Just wait two years whereupon,
I’ll see that guys like me are cool in college
cool in college, won't be lame.

Dude I know, I get it-
Guys like me, they **** in college,
But I’m not in college,
I’ll be fine

High School is whack, but I’ve got my own back.
It’s me and books, I make it a one-player game.

AH-
OH-
ZOMBIE!
BLOOD!
CLAWS!
Pause.

I know I’m no one’s favourite person,
But that doesn’t mean that I can't still dream.
It’s really true, I’m no one’s favourite person
I’ll always be alone on the team

High school is ****, and I don’t need (no)one conquer it.
It's just what I do,
I make it a one-player game!

Find the bad guy, push him aside.
Then move on forward with your books at your side.
It's a one-player game, so when they make an attack,
You know you got a backpack, gotta watch your back
Then you stay on track and
Ah! remain on course.
If they give you a smack you
Gah! use your force.
And if you leave some ******* behind it’s fine
Cause it's an effed up world,
and it's a one-player game, hey!
One-player game
One-player game. He-ey-ey!

Therefore I Am - Billie eilish

I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
Stop, what the hell are you talking about? Ha
Get my pretty name outta your mouth
We are not the same with or without
Don't talk 'bout me like how you might know how I feel
Top of the world, but your world isn't real
Your world's an ideal
So go have fun
I really couldn't care less
And you can give 'em my best, but just know
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I don't want press to put your name next to mine
We're on different lines, so I
Wanna be nice enough, they don't call my bluff
'Cause I hate to find
Articles, articles, articles
Rather you remain unremarkable
Got a lotta interviews, interviews, interviews
When they say your name, I just act confused
Did you have fun?
I really couldn't care less
And you can give 'em my best, but just know
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I'm sorry
I don't think I caught your name
I'm sorry
I don't think I caught your name
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am
I'm not your friend or anything, ****
You think that you're the man
I think, therefore, I am

I told you all the time,
"I'm really sorry"
You never believe me.
Just like i never believed you,
When you said
"I love you"
"I care about you"
"I was worried"
"Please don't hurt yourself"
"You will get There!"

But maybe it was true,
Maybe you did care about me,
Maybe i was wrong,
Maybe i shouldn't have hurt you this way.

I'm sorry
But I can't
You tried
I'm sorry
For the wasted time
For the heartbreaks
For the sadness
For the anger and
For the lies

Believe it,
Or not
I'm sorry
But it's for you,
Because for this one time,
Probably my last,
I care.

I love you

Today is going to be a good day,

Maybe.

It's not pubished yet,
It's still being written.
It'll be published anonymous,
By me.
And it's about you.
And me.
Yup. I know.
It's really messed up.
I've written an entire book about you.
And all the ******* things I feel.
The worst part is,
That you don't even know.
No one knows it's about you,
Or that I'm writing it,
And that maybe It'll be published someday.
But until then,
I'll keep writing my book.
And let the poetry fill the once blank pages,
With you, and all my in-love words.

I just thought of a good quote to post
But I forgot what it was.
Sorry.

I really am
No good for you.
Want to stop you leaving
When I push you away.
But nothing is better sometimes
I'm used to losing you
I'll only hurt you
When you finally let me
I am no good in general
Been telling you all along
And now I like it like that
When you realise I'm the bad guy

If you could let me in?
Not just in your mind,
But in your heart?
That would be enough.