You ask me what I'm thinking,
every time my answer is you.

I'm thinking of the way my heart swells when I talk to you.
I'm thinking of how comforting the sound of your voice is.
I'm thinking of the ways I could make you laugh.
I'm thinking of all the different ways your face will light up when you look at me.
I'm thinking of how I can't wait to hold your hand.
I'm thinking of how I'll look into your eyes and know this is right.

I'm thinking of how soft your skin will feel after a shower.
I'm thinking of how our bodies will feel pressed up against one another.
I'm thinking of the ways I want to trace the outline of your body with my fingers.
I'm thinking of how your skin will taste after a dip in the ocean.
I'm thinking of how your lips will taste and if they'll taste just as heavenly every time.
I'm thinking of how kissing you will never get old.
I'm thinking of how our bodies will dance under the night sky.

I'm thinking of how happy you will make me.
I'm thinking of how happy you already make me feel.
I'm thinking of a future with you.
I'm thinking of how easy it is to fall for you.
I'm thinking of how we were destined to meet.
I'm thinking of how the stars are aligned perfectly for us to enjoy life.
I'm thinking of how lucky I am to have a future with you in it.

There is someone in my house.

It's late at night and I can hear the sound of vegetables being chopped in the kitchen.
I am supposed to be home alone;
all of my family is out of town.

Why do I hear someone in my house?

Hiding in my room,
I wait.
Could this be just another hallucination?
Could this really be happening?

There is someone in my house,
and I know it now,
because the chopping stops.
I hear footsteps.
I pull the covers over my head,
as if being completely covered in my comforter
will make me invisible to the stranger creeping in my house.

There is a child at my bedroom door.
She is very small and very young.
She barely is taller than my arm rest on my desk chair.
She is staring at me with the one eye not being covered by her hair.
Her hair is long and midnight black,
the street lights pouring in from outside are visible in her hair,
creating a silver glow to her dark complexion.
Her head is cocked to one side,
hair falling in her face.
I start to move and realize I'm paralyzed.
I try to speak but I cannot move my mouth either.

There is a man in my doorway.
He appears suddenly,
like the wind on a chilly day.
He's tall and has broad shoulders.
It's obvious he never skips out on the gym.
He has a pale complexion,
his skin glows in the amber street lights.
He moves swiftly,
taking two long strides to reach my bed.
In my head I'm screaming,
in all reality the only sound that could be heard,
is the sound of the plastic the man is tying around me.
Plastic wraps around my
throat,
mouth,
arms,
legs,
and I still cannot move.
I cannot breathe.
Plastic wraps perfectly around my throat,
keeping me from being able to breathe easily.
I cannot even open my mouth to gasp for air,
I am completely restrained and paralyzed with fear.

There is a man in my bedroom,
and he picks me up with ease and tosses me into my hallway
before checking the other rooms.
The voice in my head echoes,
You're dreaming,
Wake up Drew.
He is not real.
That child is not real.
You're suffocating.
Your arms are burning.
You're not breathing.
You must wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up!
Wake up now, Drew!
With all the energy I had,
I catapult out of my bed.
Breathing heavily,
I rub my arms,
happy to feel they are no longer burning.
I think to myself,
thank God this was all just a nightmare.
I look up and see

There is a man standing in my doorway;
I'm no longer dreaming.

Your apology meant nothing to me.
Your apology was not meant for me,
Your apology was meant for you.

Your apology was pathetic.
You only did it to save your mind from eating itself in the middle of the night.
Constantly chomping at the thought of our last conversation.
The one where you called me selfish because my feelings were hurt.
The one where you said we would never work because our trauma doesn't match.
The one where you said I couldn't possibly fathom being in the same house as my ******.
The one where you told me our relationship was a pool and you couldn't understand how I was able to dive in.
The one where you told me you never wanted a relationship.
The one where you threw me away like a rotten banana peel.

Like a banana,
I opened myself up to you.
Peeling my layers one by one.
I started to get bruises from all the nasty words you said to me,
you said to my friends, and
you said to my family.
But I was still good.
I was still a sweet, ripe banana.
You always knew how to make me feel ashamed for being a bruised banana.

You were right,
we will never work.
Your reasons were wrong.
We will never work because I was never what you wanted.
We will never work because you could not open yourself up to me.
There were things you kept from me that I never would have kept from you.
Our trauma doesn't match because I'm working through mine and you're still on the first step,
afraid of what the next step has in store for you.
I have learned how to handle my trauma while you still let it eat away at you.
You let your trauma control your life.
I won't let my trauma control mine anymore.

Our relationship was like a pool,
I was ready to dive head first into the deep end
while you stare at me from the steps,
unaware of how to swim.
Our trauma was like a pool.
I jumped head first into the deep end,
tackling my trauma head on.
Ready to face my fears,
confront my ******,
my abuser, and
my family.
You stood on the steps,
getting your toes wet.
With multiple swim floaties
and a group of people encouraging you to jump in.
You were afraid of what you'll find at the bottom.
Even with floaties and people cheering you on,
nothing will ever be enough.

We will never work because I cannot be the counselor you seek.

You told me you felt that our relationship was a pool.

That I have jumped into the deep end,
while you are still wading in the shallow end steps.
That you don't understand how I managed to get
myself into the deep end so quickly.

The thing about pools is this:

If you don't cannonball into the deep end,
you may never actually get in.
If you're standing at the shallow end,
the water could be too cold,
too hot,
too many leaves floating around,
too many bugs,
anything could convince you not to
fully submerge into the water.

If you cannonball in,
the hard part is over with.
You've dedicated all of yourself to the water;
mind, body, and soul.
There's no more second guessing.
There's no other excuse as to why you shouldn't swim.
There's no going back and that's ok,
because in all reality you wanted to swim.
You just needed to let go of the fear
that swimming will be too challenging.

Our relationship is like a pool.
I have dived in,
ready to fill this pool with love for you.
While you are still on the second step,
afraid of me.
Afraid that the love I give to you will be fleeting.
That I will leave you like everyone else has.
That my love for you is a joke,
that my love for you will never be enough.

I have a confession to make.
I have the same fears.
But I am still here,
in the deep end.
Waiting for you to look past your fears,
to accept them and dive head first anyway.
If you stand on the steps the whole time,
you will never swim.
You will never know the love I could give you.

Dive in baby.
I promise I'll catch you.

April showers bring may flowers.
This is not a reasonable excuse for the death April has brought.
It’s not an excuse for my sister to be in so much pain.
She has lost so many people in her life this April,
And you expect me to believe May will bring her flowers?
Will it bring her flowers to the graves of the ones she’s lost?
Will the flowers bring back the ones she’s buried?

Don’t tell me April showers bring May flowers when my sister can barely live through this hell.

Numb.
I cannot feel the sunburn on my back.
I cannot feel pain as I glide the blade against my skin.
I no longer feel the spark in my heart.

My head is constantly crowded with nonsense.
All I can see is a little red-headed boy.
He plays with blocks in a sepia-toned room.
I know he is not real.
I have never seen him before, but I know this imagery all too well.
He comes from a photograph from long ago.
He is my reality now.

He lays on the carpet tinted a light green.
He is stacking blocks with different letters on them.
I feel as if I should pay attention to their order.
Is he trying to tell me something?
The letters are blurry, as if I am reading without my glasses.
What could this boy be trying to tell me?
I lean in closer when his image ripples away as if this photograph was dipped into a chemical bath.
Reaching out my hand, I cannot touch him.
I remember he is just a hallucination.
Reality hits me aggressively.

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, blade in my hand when my phone lights up.
Grabbing my phone, I let the blade fall.
I can feel my heart pound for the first time in months.
I am hoping to hear from a friend.
Instead, a game is inviting me to come back and play.
I know it now.

I am alone.

I am alone with my thoughts and with this boy who isn't real.
I crave human interaction.
I look at the blade on the floor.
I look at my skin tinted red.
I crave being in the same sepia photograph as that boy.
I wouldn't be alone.
I wouldn't be red.
But I only know one way to travel back to him.
I pick up the blade once more and press it hard into my skin.

Numb.
I cannot feel the sunburn on my back.
I cannot feel pain as I glide the blade against my skin.
I no longer feel the spark in my heart.

I cannot stand to be alone anymore.

Would I still see a girl who is tired of constantly being misgendered?
Would I see a girl trying too hard at looking good?
Would I see a girl not trying hard enough?
Would I see a poor excuse of a partner?
A girl who cannot possibly love someone else because she cannot find love in herself?
Would I see a girl whose self hatred seeps through her body with every aching breath?

Or

Would I see a person whose gender identity is respected and valid?
Would I see a person who always looks good without any effort?
Would I see the best partner I could be?
Would I make you happier than you've ever been?
Even if I cannot love myself, would I still be able to shower you with all the love in the world?
Would I see a person whose confidence can light up a room?

I crave the thought of switching places for a day.
Not just because I no longer wish to be myself, but because I need to know if I am good for you.

he didn't hear me begging him to stop.
me too- he didn't feel me push him away.
me too- his words stung with guilt,
me too- he made me think everything was my fault.
me too- he choked me as I dug my nails in his skin,
me too- he didn't stop,
me too- he choked me until I passed out.
me too- he manipulated me into saying yes.
me too- he forced me to say yes for his own reasons,
me too- he didn't want to hear no
me too- he didn't want another girl to tell him no.
me too- he always told me I wasn't good enough.
me too- he would tell me all the things wrong with my body,
me too- he thought I would want to try harder to be better.
me too- he expected telling me I had "DSL" was romantic.
me too- he thought touching me without consent was ok.
me too- he thought he could get away with ****,
me too- he thought correctly.
me too-
he believes he has done nothing wrong.

The way you comfort me when I'm sad.
The way you make me laugh at the simplest things.
The way you always say I love you at the right times.
The way your hand always finds mine.
The way you hold and hug me close.
The way you kiss me.
The way I wouldn't change a thing about you.

I love you for you.

The sound of the rain on the roof,
is nothing compared to the sweet sound of your voice.

The sight of the ocean waves splashing across the rocks,
is not as beautiful as your smile.

The feel of silk clothing on your skin,  
is not as comforting as your hands holding mine.

The smell of the sweetest lavender,
is nothing compared to the smell of your perfume.

Great Grandma,
Get well soon.
We all love you and God Bless You.

It's all my fault.
All of this,
It's all because of me.

I loved you.
I thought you loved me,
But you didn't.

This pool of blood next to me,
is all my fault.
All. My. Fault.

There was a knock on my door.
It was you.
Your blue eyes shined brightly at mine as they always did.

But now, the light is gone.
The shine in your eyes has vanished
And it's all my fault.

I let you in the house,
"Why are you here?" I ask.
You slam the door and lock it.

Nervously I ask,
"What was that for?"
Your eyes were dark.

You gripped my hand tightly,
you lead me into the bedroom,
You shoved me onto the bed.

My head slammed into the headboard;
Hard, but not hard enough.
My head spun.

I vaguely saw you undress,
"What are you doing?" my voice slurred
as you tore off my pants.

I tried to say, "Don't," but I couldn't muster a word.
I put my hands up to stop you
But there was no stopping you.

A moment later, you're on top of me.
You forced my wrists down
And caressed my neck with your lips.

I tried to move
But your grip was too tight.
I could feel your hands leaving behind marks around my wrists.

I tried to tell you to stop.
You were hurting me.
But my voice was gone.

My vision blurred in and out of focus.
You squeeze me tighter as you forced your way in.
I gasped, the pain was unbearable.

I have to do something
The woman in my head showed me a vision that I knew would make you stop.
No, not that. Anything but that.

All I could feel was pain.
All I could see was your blurred face contorting in sync with your body.
All I could hear was a loud ringing in my ears.

"Stop," I whisper.
"Stop it."
"Please."

Your mouth went back to my neck.
You kissed me.
You bit me, hard.

"Get off!" I said loudly.
I had finally found my voice.
"Stop it now."

You didn't stop
The pain didn't stop
With each ****** my head throbbed.

The pain was never ending.
Tears streamed down the sides of my face.
A loud, terrified scream pierced my ear drums.

It took a moment to realize, it was me.
Both sight and sound were suddenly clear.
With an edge to my voice, "I said stop."

I ****** my knee up and hit you.
You loosened your grip on me.
I broke my hand free and sucker punched you in the jaw.

You rolled off of me and I was already on my feet.
I started to run toward the kitchen.
You chased after me.

I found the knife block
And drew the first one I saw.
I turned around, knife in my hand, you stopped dead in your tracks.

"Calm down babe.
Don't get yourself all worked up.
We were just having fun."

"Fun?" I screamed.
"You call that fun?
I'll show you fun!"

Not again,
My eyes rolled back into my head.
She took over.

"You'll pay for this," she hissed.
She had complete control over my voice, my body.
Please know I couldn't stop her.

Don't hurt him
I tell her.
But she doesn't hear me.

She raised my hand that clutches the knife.
"Die you miserable *******," she screamed.
She brought the knife down deep into your chest.

No!
Stop it!
Don't hurt him!

It's too late.

Your body dropped.
You laid there motionless,
Blood pooled all around you.

She released her grip on me.
I gasped for air and
dropped.

I sit here now next to you.
I hug my knees to my chest
and rock back and forth.

"No.
Why?
This can't be real.

You didn't mean it.
You didn't mean it.
You loved me."

I gently touch the marks on my wrists.
I wince.
"You didn't mean it."

This is all my fault.
I should have tried harder to stop it.
She just tried to save me.

She didn't mean it.
She can't help it.
You didn't mean it.

It's my fault you're dead.
I couldn't stop you.
I couldn't stop her.

She is just a part of me.
I needed help.
She was stronger.

You didn't mean it.

Last night
I was surrounded by friends
and my heart was full.

Tonight
I am ultimately alone
and my heart is empty.

I just had my panic attack.
If we are still together,
And I pray that we are,
Thank you for everything.

When you talk about her,
you tell me about all the abuse you took from her.
You tell me she cheated on you, and tortured you
emotionally and mentally for months.

Then why do you still have pictures of her?
Why do you still get that shine in your eye
when you mention her?
I don't see that shine when you look at me.

I can tell that you still love her.

And I know she is here,
walking back into your life.

Comfortable-* *being in a physical or mental state of comfort.

"She's always so comfortable in that chair."
Memories flood into my mind of her sitting calmly in her chair. I can picture her sitting there, rocking slightly and smiling over at her best friend and partner. Her old frail hands reaching out for his but coming up short. His image fades while her smile grows cold.

Comfortable- content and undisturbed

"She looks so comfortable."
Fragile and unmoving, she lays in a hospital bed. She's curled up in a bright quilt intricately designed with flowers and sheep. She's incredibly thin, I can see each bone and vein in her hands. Her skin is pale and her hair snow white. I can see her gums through her open mouth. Her eyes are dark purple and sinking into her skull. Her shallow breaths are the only sound I can hear.

Comfortable- physical comfort, support, or ease.

"We just hope that you're comfortable"
She's moaning aloud in pain. She's thrashing at anyone and anything. Nurses come in and sedate her. She's filled up with morphine while we sit here waiting. She opens her eyes and moans as we run up to say hello. Just as quick as she opens her eyes, she's gone.

Comfortable- *at ease

For months I've been poisoned so heavily, the toxicity seeping from every pore on my body.
Until one day, you came into my life.
My thoughts are now filled with love, overpowering the harmful thoughts that used to hang off the edge of my mind.
You make me feel important again, as if these vicious words I've heard before were nothing but lies.
You continuously show me that I am capable of conquering my thoughts and creating a better world for myself.
Your love and positivity is the antidote I've been longing for.
I'm beyond grateful to have finally found you.

Your toxicity is no longer killing me.
I no longer feel sick everyday, since I no longer think of you.
Memories of you don't leave me crippled with depression.
Memories of you only come every once in a while.
These memories are a reminder of how I will never allow myself to be treated.
You no longer scare me like you used to.
I have found peace and happiness without you,
and I will continue to live like this for the rest of my life.

Here's your letter.
Not the one you deserve, because I already left that one for you in the rain outside your mom's house.
But here's the letter you were wanting. The one that explains what I was feeling when I didn't have the courage to tell you.

When I left you in December, I meant it.
I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you. I wanted to have you still in my life, but not like how we were. I craved your companionship. You craved so much more out of me. You craved my love, my happiness, my family, and my life. You craved everything I could no longer offer you. When things turned sour in December and January, I knew that we were not meant to last forever. I needed you in my life. You were my relief from anxiety. No one understood me and could help me like you did. I needed your friendship.

When we started to see each other again for coffee dates, you would calm me down from my anxiety by climbing ontop of me in the backseat of your mom's car. I never asked for that. I never even wanted that. But I could never resist your touch or the feeling of your soft lips and warm breath gliding across my skin. Your physical touch became the thing I craved most. I was addicted to the feeling of your skin on mine and I needed it more than the air we breathed.

When things escalated from meeting up for coffee, curled up in the backseat to dinner dates and seeing your friends again, I knew I was in too far. I knew there was no going back to being just friends. I knew that wasn't an option with you. I felt trapped into this relationship I didn't want. I stopped talking to everyone because I was embarrassed at the fact that I got myself back into this abusive relationship with you again. I was ashamed to tell people you were mine again.

That's when I reached out for help again. I reached out to my previous ex. He had always been there for me and I knew he would listen and try to help me without getting my parents involved. I needed away from you because you weren't making me feel the way you used to. I felt horrible. I was filled with negative thoughts about not being good enough, or being a "monster" and a "*****" because I was no longer happy with you. I was holding onto the hope that we would be back to the way we were before my grandfather died. But after countless nights of feeling suicidal, I knew I had to cut you out. You were a toxic menace in my life.

Then one night, everything was going okay. You were in a good mood and I was trying to suppress my thoughts when you took my phone and found the message that led to the final downfall. I had never seen you like that before and it is still to this day the thing that haunts me. You parked in an empty parking lot and sat on the asphalt looking the opposite direction of my car. I got out and tried to explain it to you that I wasn't happy like I was and I was done. But the only thing I remember getting out was the word "toxic."

You know what happened after that. You yelled at me that I was a ***** and a monster and that you could finally **** yourself now that you no longer had me to live for. You have to think about how this made me feel. The way you leaned in while I was driving down a windy road in the pitch black, tears in my eyes, making it impossible to see and yelling profanities and whispering threatening things in my ear. I was terrified. I was convinced you were going to hit me. I wanted you to hit me. In my thoughts I pleaded for you to hit me and to end it all. At one point, the suicidal thoughts were so loud, that I almost crashed my car with you in it. But I couldn't do that with someone else in the car. If I could just get you out of the car...

When we finally reach Michael's and you weren't sorry at all about some of the mean things you said, I vowed I would never do this to myself again. I would never put myself in this situation again. I was done with you. But I couldn't tell you that without having another meltdown like that one. So when I left you at Michael's, I called Dempsey crying and told her everything. She then told my parents before I was going to that night. When I got home they told me they were sending me off to my mom's because they were done dealing with me. I cried and begged them to help me and get me out. And as you know, that's when dad called you.

That's the story. I just laid everything out for you and if you still don't understand then you're just blind to your abusive behavior. I think about you everyday and the terrible things you did. I just hope that you don't do this to somebody else. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.

Hope this gives you the answers you were looking for.

you're such a ******* monster
you're a *****
you're a worthless waste of space
you're nothing
everyone around you has to depend on xanax because you can't make up your mind on what you want
after i **** myself, i'm coming back to haunt you
you need to get your **** together
how could you do this to me right now
i'm dying and you want to leave
why not spend my last few days with me and make them worthwhile
don't leave
i love you
you're a ******* monster
you're a *****
you don't deserve to live*

i'm sorr...

"You didn't have to look my way,"
Every time your gaze would catch my own, my heart would flutter.
Your blue eyes made me weak with feelings of forever.
Your eyes always held the weight of your emotions,
every time you looked at me I could see the love you had for me.
Your eyes would be light as if they were a feather flying in a gentle breeze,
your eyes were the sweetest I had ever seen.

"You didn't have to say my name,"
Your voice was the most fascinating sound my ears had ever discovered.
Every time you called my name I thought I would melt into a puddle of the sweet sugar you made me into.
Your voice elegant and delicate, your words floated in the air like a bee searching for pollen to make the sweetest honey.
Your voice carried out the heavenly desire your eyes displayed.

"You didn't have to smile at me,"
Your smile never failed to dazzle me, it would ignite my circuits and start a flame.
Your smile would complete the look of love and awe your eyes and voice would hint at.
Until one day, your smile turned cold and no longer ignited a flame in my body.
Your smile disappeared as if it was all just an illusion.

"You didn't have to offer your hand,"
You offered your hand to me and off we went, sailing the seas together.
You were very helpful and supportive.
Until one day when your assistance was no longer useful.
Your hand did not rise to guide me but to strike me.
There was a fire in you still, but that fire was full of violence and gloom.

"Now you have to go,"
Your flames released embers that set a wildfire between us.
We begin a never ending tumble downhill filled with malicious words,
and ill will.
Your words sank deep and doused the fire inside my body; reducing me to ashes.  
You're keeping me captive and I can no longer be at your command.

"Set me free, my honeybee."

Jaded- is for how you left me on that street.
Obliterated- is for the way my heart broke.
Haunted- is for the way you still torment me in my dreams.
N**othing- is for what I have left.

"Oh honey that's terrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I promise I will only take it when I have no other option,"
you said to me when I told you about my mother's addiction to Xanax.
"I love the way you kiss me. Every single kiss is just as passionate as the next,"
you said to me after kissing you for the hundredth time.
"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want our days to be just like this,"
you said to me as we laid on your bed in our underwear.

"You're going to have to try for me honey, I'm not some 18 year old boy,"
you said to me while I straddled you and kissed your neck.
"Here honey, maybe this will help,"
you said to me as you sent me an article about how to pleasure a man.
"If you're going to start working out, you can't do anything with your upper arms...If you do that then you'll lose weight in your ******* and make them even more lopsided,"
you said to me when I wanted to get in better shape.

"It would have been better if you called me first instead of your friend,"
you said to me when I called you to tell you my grandfather died.
"Why are you leaving? We had plans! Are you breaking up with me?,"
you said to me when I left to be with my family after my grandfather's death.
"Drew, I am going to **** myself. I can't take this anymore. I'm just going to go driving and not come home,"
you said to me after my grandfather's funeral.

"I can't do this anymore. We need to move on and go our separate ways."

"Can we still be friends?,"
you said to me after trying to put up a fight

"Yes"

"Who are you with?,"
you said to me after I didn't answer your call.
"You're on a date aren't you?,"
you said to me once you figured it out.
"We need to talk. Get out of the car and let's walk."
you said to me after waiting in front of my house to get home.

"You were on a date? Are you kidding me? After telling me you want to be alone? What the actual **** Drew?"
you said to me on our walk.
"I hate you,"
you said to me after yelling at me for an hour and a half.
"You're a monster. You are acting like a *****. You know what? No. You're not acting like a *****. You ARE a *****. You're a ******* *****,"
you said to me after telling me that you will never call me a *****.

I want to **** myself. Leave me, please.

"No, I'm not leaving,"*
you said to me as I cried for an hour.
"Its okay, Drew. You need to breathe. You're going to pass out soon you need to relax,"
you said to me as a panic attack settled in.
"Let's go get you some water and Advil,"
you said after the crying and panicking ceased.

"You're a *****."
you said to me after my emotional breakdown.
"Happy New Year's,"
you said as you kissed me when it hit midnight.
"See you tomorrow,"
you said as you left me even more of an emotional disaster than before.

We can try and be friends again but that's it. Nothing more.

"Drew, I am so glad we could be friends again."
you said to me as we tried this one last time.
"I've missed you."
you said as you straddle me in the backseat of your mom's car.
"I love you,"
you said to me as you planted your lips onto mine.

I think we're toxic for each other. I think we should go our separate ways.

"Toxic? TOXIC? Take me back to Michael's. NOW."
you said to me as your face changed to pure anger.
"You're a ******* monster. A *****,"
you said to me as you slammed the car door shut.
"You're a worthless *******. You're a waste of space,"
you said to me as I drove down that dark, windy road.

"No wonder everyone around you has to pop Xanax. No one ever knows what they'll get from you that day. One day its 'I love you' and the next it's, 'you're toxic,'"
you said to me as your voice progressively got louder and louder.
"I'm going to finally **** myself now. Thank you so much, Drew. For finally giving me the chance to do it. And when I do, you better believe I'll be coming back to make your life a living hell."
you said to me as tears distorted my vision.
"I promise I'm going to **** myself. And I keep my promises,"
you said to me as you squeezed my thigh.

You scare me.

"Oh Drew, I am so sorry."
you said to me, your voice quiet and broken.
"I'll take an anger management class. I am so sorry,"
you said to me as tears flooded your eyes.
"I love you see you tomorrow,"
you said to me as you kissed me goodnight.

I've always been here for you.
We may not say much or see each other often,
but you are my best friend.
Best friends are there for each other.
During the good and bad times.
I may only call when something is wrong because there's not much going on in between.
In between the bad times are things so insignificant they're forgotten about in a matter of hours.
I never thought anyone wanted to listen to me speak about nothing,
but I should have know you weren't just anyone.
You were the one good thing in my life.
You were...
You are the person I love the most.

I hope one day we can get back to how it was.
But knowing now how you feel, I know we never will.
So I guess this is goodbye.
We need to find happiness in ourselves,
and the first step is moving on.

My dear sunshine,
this is goodbye.
Goodbye on a very cloudy day.

You still plague my mind
while I am sitting here blind,
hoping one day you'll come back kind.

From the moment we fumbled underneath the sheet,
to the moment you said goodbye on that street,
and even the moment I found out you were a lying cheat.

I still think of you often,
sometimes I've wondered if you've softened,
and other times I wonder if I was better off with Austin.

There's a moment I keep shelved,
however, there are sometimes I delve
to that horrid moment on May 10th, 2012.

Yes, consensual at first,
but then you started to thirst
and the pain was at it's worst.

I begged and pleaded,
but you proceeded,
and my body was stampeded.

After this disaster,
I became a master
at wearing a smile like plaster.

Seeing you is like sinking the Titanic,
a reaction that's almost volcanic,
sends me into a panic.

Its not like you'll ever know.
I will no longer stand here as your ***,
I will stand here without you and grow.  

I will stand here with a big smile on my face
and wait for a long embrace,
from someone that will treat me with grace.

Please God someone help me,* I think to myself
As he reaches over and whispers something
Threatening and frightening in my ear.
Ripples of fear courses through my entire body.
I* try to hold all of the horror back.
Can't you see that you're terrifying?
Kill me now,* I pray to God; maybe then the pain will be gone.

Slowly, the brush caresses my skin.
The bristles feel soft and comforting as they slide across my wrist.
Electricity surges throughout my body,
the crying finally ceases,
the bad thoughts;
gone.
The only thing left,
is the feeling of the soft hair gliding all over;
Over my wrists, arms, legs, and my chest.
As the feeling of the bristles dissipate,
The feeling of cold paint drips down my body.
From my wrists, arms, legs, and my chest.
Red paint trickles slowly.
I can no longer feel the brush in my hand.
I stare down at my body,
My skin has turned red,
and darkness comes in.
In an instant,
my once bright white canvas
turns black with drips of red.

Its hard to say goodbye.
Incredibly.

I am so sorry that you feel this was easy for me.
It was anything but that.

I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to ruin everything.

Thank you for all the things you did for me.
Thank you for all the memories.

I am sorry I was not enough.
I am sorry I didn't treat you right.

But this is it.
Goodbye my King.

King and Queen of the castle sit entangled in each other,
Walls made of blankets keep them warm and safe.
An ambient amber light shines in ever so slightly,
showing the impeccable outline of the King's face.
The Queen curls up in her King's lap,
she hugs her knees to her chest,
his fingers dance across her skin, while
music plays softly in the background.
They lay together often exchanging 'I love you's.
The Queen is more than a little pleased and the King is at peace.
They stay nestled into each other forever, never moving.

Partly cloudy, small chance of rain, mild waves.
The boat we sail together is going steady.
We're happy. You're happy. I'm not.
That's when we have the talk.
The talk where we agreed to stop sailing together.

Cloudy, severe thunderstorms, strong winds, rough waves.
The boat I now sail alone is three feet from going under.
I can't do this alone, but here I am, trying to manage.
My boat is close to capsizing.
I'm screaming out for help but no one is listening.
The waves are higher than the boat and crash hard against the deck.
It's not safe here anymore.
I need to get out.
I need help.
I need someone to save me from sinking six feet under.

Time has passed by slowly.
The seas have calmed.
The rain finally starts to let up when a beam of light shines from behind the clouds onto a nearby boat.
The boat sails over to me.
There is a man on board who is also alone.
We piece each other's boats back together and next thing I know its

Sunny, no chance of rain, a cool breeze and calm waves.
Hand in hand, side by side,
we sail through the sea.
I'm happy. You're happy. We're happy.

Sunny skies without a chance of rough seas up ahead.

I want to know every single thing about you.

I want to know the way you wake up in the morning.
I want to know how you fall asleep at night.
I want to know what your morning routine is.

I want to watch you yawn and stretch in the mornings.
I want to watch you laying in bed like a burrito.
I want to watch your face light up when you read this.

I want to feel your arms around me.
I want to feel you sweep me off my feet.
I want to feel your hand in my own.

I want to know every single thing about you.

Is it any wonder why my feelings for you just keep stronger and stronger?
You have an interest in my passion,
you do not rush me,
you do not make me do anything I'm uncomfortable with.
Overall, you treat me as a human being and for that,
I will always admire you.

I want to flip through the pages of your open book.
I want to start from the very beginning.
All of the hurt,
the joy,
the loss,
the love,
the sadness,
and the desire.
I want to experience it all with you.
I will dread reaching the very last words,
but until then, let me flip through the pages of your open book.

I was going to write the story of us as a gift, but I've decided against it. Now, I am writing you this letter. This letter will express everything I've failed to tell you with my mouth.
I still remember the first time I saw you. My friends and I were in Bath and Body Works, killing time before the movie when they say, "hey Tae is here." I turn around and see the most handsome man I've ever laid my eyes on. You were wearing glasses and a light brown shirt with dark jeans and sneakers. I remember feeling my face flush when I saw you. Who knew that this moment would have changed my life?
One of my favorite moments between us was before we even started dating. I was scared and upset and called you in a panic. Do you remember what you did? Is there anyway you could have forgotten? You sang me "You're My Sunshine." Its the one thing that has stayed ours throughout the entire relationship and that song means more to me than you may ever know.
You've never failed to sweep me off my feet. Whether you're in a tank top and sweats, dressed up for prom, or even in your **** underwear you never fail to take my breath away.
What I'm trying to say is, I love you.
These past few years with you have been the best years of my life. I would never change it for anything. Even if it meant spending my life with David Tennant or Trey Songz, I would pick you every time.
It's going to be hard when you leave. I hope this letter brings you joy and love when we can't be together. I wish you the best of luck in college and with wrestling. I know you will excel in everything you do and I can't wait to hear from you soon.
I love you so much, Antavian. Thank you for spending my life with me, these have been the best few years. No matter what happens, *you will always be my sunshine.

I can't tell you how much I miss you.

I haven't heard your voice, or seen your face in months.
We went from talking everyday, to getting letters every few days.
I'm sitting next to the mailbox, waiting on a letter from you.
Your letters are so short but hold so much meaning.
You are my best friend.
I wish you were here with me.
Please come back to me soon.

                                                                              Miss you a lot,
                                                                                      Jacob

I'm coming undone.
I used to see you everyday,
now, you're gone.
You're not here to eat my leftovers when I'm too full,
you're not here to keep me warm when I'm cold,
you're not here to hold me while I fall deep into the abyss of my own mind.
You are all I have.
You're leaving me here alone.
Its been less than a week,
and I feel like I'm dying without you.
Without hearing your sweet voice,
without your touch,
without your eyes studying the way I look at you.
I just need  you here with me to keep me from loosing everything.

We barge through the doors and strip off our clothes in a rush.
You turn the **** and the sound of jungle rain falls from the faucet.
Your back is facing the water - I gaze as the water cascades down your body.
You gently smooth out little water droplets which stick in your hair.
Water falls perfectly to the shape of your body - perfectly outlining your muscular neck and broad shoulders.
Trickling from your chest down to define your perfectly chiseled abdomen, water continues to fall,
All the while you're looking down
; not paying attention to my analysis of the water and your body.
The sound of jungle rain grows quiet when you look up at me.
Your deep brown eyes gaze at me with desire and longing.
I stare back but am distracted by the outline of your ample lips -  
Lips filled with sensual intent -beckoned to be kissed.
Looking back into your eyes I know it's right.
Filling the space between us, our lips meet.
Gentle at first and rough there after.
Our lips unwavering while we make our way to the silk jungle.