If only you knew
How many of both my loving and aching poems
Were written because of you.

I wish I liked you more
When you're sober

The way you bubble over when you're tipsy
Is so enticing
I want to sip off your sweet nothings
That all wash away down the drain by dawn

In my Prada purse, I carry my heavy medical textbook
I carry an extra tube of my MAC lipstick in Russian Red
I carry a comb
My ID
A clear nail polish topcoat
And a bottle of eye drops that I avoid using because it makes my mascara run.

In my wholesome home, I have glossy tiled bathrooms
Pristine, crisp, snow white curtains
Organic, citrus scented cleansers
Granite counter tops
And large mahogany desks.

In my hollow heart I cradle my worries of a straying spouse,
My anger towards the anonymous administrator
My notions of a sneaky baba
My choking OCD
My crippling debt to a vile man
And the breaking weight of having to shield my children from all that goes on behind locked doors.

I am numb to the kindness they give me
But sensitive to the needles they ***** me with:
The ones that were supposed to numb all of me up
At once.

If I was a garden
Were you my vibrant flowers?
Or were you my choking weeds?

Even as he spilled over with confidence
While his tongue smoothly ice skated across the chalice of my pelvis
I was not fooled.
I could still feel his caged heart race and buck
As he laid between the cradle of my hips.

You tell me all the great things about me
And you text out all the wonderful things we will do together
But I am not the one for you.
You are simply lonely and lost because you are so detached from others.
You are in a cold tundra of confusion
And I looked like a warm security blanket to grab onto.
I am a manifestation of what you want:
Something that is warm
Wraps you up to shield off chills
Soft
Brightly colored like my cheeks in the winter
But I am not what you need.
What you need is someone to brush the snow out of your hair
Someone to treat your frostbitten fingers
Someone to nurse you back to health
Someone to cradle you in their arms...
And a security blanket cannot do that.

He takes photos.
His books are filled
With spilled coffee.
Wavy sun ray hair
Lime green citrus eyes
Sturdy safe shoulders
Rich, melted dark chocolate voice
Pouty peony puckers
Stolen lenses
Quirky movies
Oversized sweaters to cover his quivering hands when he cautiously holds hers.
He reminds me of a child's desk
That was personalized by doodles dinged and carved into it over the years
The desk that his parents probably adore.
He is a collage of all the things he photographs.
He takes pictures of anything and everything
To make himself whole.

Say all you want
Whatever happens to roll off your tongue
Just remember to add that I was the warmest place you knew
And you caused a blizzard
That left snowflakes on my eyelashes
And sharp icicles in my heart.
I was the warmest place you knew
And you froze me over.

She was so bubbly
Saliva like soda
Her eyes were so bright you could hear them pop
You could give an audience to the sugary syrup in her voice
You could feel the carbonation on her lips
And you could taste the sweet fizz on her tongue.
She was so bubbly
Before you came
Now she tastes flat.

"Don't beat yourself up about it,"

He said this as if by hearing those words
I would not receive the bruises and scratches
That he repeatedly gave to me.
That by hearing those words,
Every hurtful thing he told me was flawed
Could be erased
Dissolved.
He told me not to beat myself up about it
As he was slicing me open.

Constellations of stars bend from heaven
To envelope you and kiss your soft lips.
But here I am drinking from the ocean
To forget about the sway of your hips.
I'll fall asleep and doze off either way
After writing you a letter saying
I miss how you pray: "it'll be okay",
Cause I wish you were here, under my wing.
See, the galaxies between my fingers
Are right where your planets fit perfectly.
Now come down, step away from the dreamers
Let me sweep you up for eternity.
If my voice could reach you, I'd sigh in your ear:
"Oh darling, my love, I wish you were here."

I ripped you off like a band aid.
Out of my life
Gone for good
But not until I knew I wouldn't need you anymore.
You took parts of me with you
Like how a bandage takes off some skin
Maybe a little hair.
I have healed.
And now, you've pushed me
Knowing I'll trip
Fall
Cut and bleed
Cry.
You pushed me knowing that you'd be able to patch me up with band aids.
And I know that I'll have to rip them off
One by one
All by myself.

I will die if I continue to wait for you to make up your mind.

I am a therapy of sorts.
I can listen to your woes
Massage your tired feet
Perhaps make you some cookies
Or other kinds of treats.
But I am not medicine.
I cannot cure all your worries,
Or stop the consistent aching in your heart.
I cannot stop you from going over the edge
Or tearing yourself apart.

I had a dream about someone last night.
About being wrapped up
In tree trunk arms
That we're not encased in bark
But rather some warm,
Soft skin
That would graze up against my cheek.
I dreamed of how their rose petal lips
Would search for my face in the dark,
And how their words would end up resonating in my head,
Like when you howl into the black of a cave
And it screams back to you.
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I love you."
But I also dreamed about
My journals burning.
My thoughts,
Sketches,
And lists.
All crumbled,
Spread into ashes
And then gone with the wind.
I dreamed of
Leaping ten feet into the air
And coming down so fast and hard
That I broke every bone in my body
And they couldn't put me back together again.
Now,
I'm sure you can say that the last two dreams mentioned
Weren't dreams,
But rather
Nightmares.
But what about the first one?
Knowing that it will never happen?

I can always tell when I am feeling down
Not because of the grey clouds looming over me
Not because of the weights pressed onto my spine
Not because of the tears welling in my eyes

I can always tell when I am feeling down
Because I push and push
And give birth to the most creative parts of myself
I scratch poetry into paper
I sing until my voice flows out of my throat
I dance until my feet ache and my heart gives out
I scribble charcoal and ink onto the pad
It is the only comforting part of feeling this way;
I know that all I am doing is beautiful,
Even when I don't know if I am the same.

My eyes looked up at yours before
Retreating back to the floor
My chin pulled up by your magnetic touch
I sure hope this is just a crush.

Are you coming to me
Or am I coming to you?

You sauntered over and leaned in close.

I could feel the syrup drip from my lips
And I knew you'd sip while you gripped my hips
Eyes gently closed
Noses softly brushed
Mouths slightly parted
Lips quickly touched
Cheeks brightly flushed
This was all too rushed

If we were to do this again
Maybe I would've leaned back in
Maybe you would've gone right in
Maybe we would've savored the taste
Of the syrup that dripped from my lips

November 4th, 2011, 12:57am.

I 'like' myself.
I like my eyes,
How they resemble a forest
After the rain,
But I don't like how they get red and bloodshot
Whenever I cry:
A forest fire
That's out of my control.
I like my hands,
How they can create art out of nearly anything,
But I don't like how they are covered
In scars
Made by pencils and pens and words that were too sharp.
I like my legs,
How they are strong,
Dependable,
A best friend,
But I don't like how they're stretched out,
Or how they rub together,
Or the way they jiggle when I walk.
I like my arms,
How there are constellations of freckles buttered over my skin,
But I don't like how no matter how hard I try,
I can't seem to pull myself up
Off the cold,
Concrete ground.
I like my hair,
How it trickles down like a waterfall,
Into the valley known as
The small of my back
But I don't like how it's made up of split ends
From staying in the hot shower for way too long
Dreading the morning sun.
Nevermind.
Maybe I don't like myself.

March 31st, 2015, 3:00am.

It has been a long road.
I have crashed
Gotten back up patched.
Added and subtracted
The Weight
The Clothes
The Hair
The Makeup
To get my answer
To a complex math problem;
A complex life problem
That I'm sure you've all encountered
On that one pop quiz
From the first day of school
That you took before they even knew your name.
#1. "What do they all think about me?"
#100. "Do I like myself?"
And with all I've experienced
And learned through self love and so
Much
Patience,
My answer is this:
I don't like myself,
I ******* love myself
And I hope you can all learn to do the same
Because nobody deserves to be caught under their own shadow of
Self Doubt.

I am a home.
I am the house that always smells of freshly baked cookies
The one that is always abundant in blankets and warmth
The kind of house that makes your friends' jealous
The soft place that makes them always come over
Even when they have worn out their stay.

You
Are wearing out your stay.
My windows have fogged over,
My door has rusted shut.
My floor boards are flooded,
And my welcome mat has ripped.

You see,
The key to keeping a home warm and cozy
Is by giving it tender loving care;
Not letting the trash and dust and ghosts pile up
Like you have done with me.

Chaos.
Disarray.
Uncontrolled.
Messy.
Clutter.
Disorder.
Spilling­ thoughts...

You.

He said he didn't want me
But God knows
That he kissed me like I was the last good thing on this ****** Earth
He kissed me like I was about to slip through his fingers
He kissed me like I was dissolving into thin air.
He kissed me so hard
So deep
That I'm having trouble believing that his statement of not wanting me is true.

It hurts so much
To act like I don't remember.
To look towards my toes
When you sulk down the halls.
It hurts because you will never understand
Why it burns
Or why I left.
You will only ever know that I pushed you out,
Not that I did so because you were pushing me in.

Tik Tok
You're the clock
The one that strikes noon
Begins to make me swoon
But once it's past three,
You get up and leave.

It's been two days since I last heard from you
And in those two days you've told me more
Than you have in two years

Be kinder than necessary until there is no reason left for you to be kind; do NOT let yourself become a doormat that people can wipe the **** off their shoes with.
Shower often to wash the weight of the day off your delicate skin.
Floss; it makes your mom proud of your dental exams.
Study only when you need it.
Learn to do your own laundry.
Go to your friend's performances and games when you can.
Keep your room clean.
Say please and thank you regularly.
Stare harshly between someone's brows to make them stop staring at you.
Smile at people in public, but only with a closed mouth.
Carry extra tampons and pads to give to people who may need it.
Plan your day before you go to sleep.
Offer help when you see someone struggling,
But don't offer help if you need help yourself

Dear ocean tide,
I can see you wave to me
With your fingers
With your golden, sandy hair.
Ocean tide,
I can see you creeping closer
Wanting to greet me
Hoping to envelope me,
To pull me deep down into your depths
Where I will find myself
Having to fend off all your dark creatures that eat away at my guts.
Ocean tide,
I can't survive down there!
You will get distracted by the next maiden to dance along your shores.
You will forget me
Until she drowns too.
Ocean tide,
I can't keep up anymore...
I'm tired of swimming through your inconsistent currents.
You wash me out in a the most tiring way;
You leave grit in my hair and teeth
And it makes me want to spit you out.
Ocean tide,
Even though you are so breathtaking
And I would love to see you everyday
To feel your calming cool rush settle over my skin,
Leaving me filled with goosebumps but empty from air...
Ocean tide,
You are filled with far too much salt and so many sharp stings
That you may not notice...
But I notice them.
You give me nightmares about that one time you almost drowned me.
Ocean tide,
You're no good for me.
I am going to the mountains,
To the forests
Where I feel strong and safe.
Goodbye to your murky waters that leave me nauseous.

From
I'm good
To
I'm tired
To
I'm scared

He was afraid of losing me
And I was afraid of him.
That kind of game quickly destroyed us both

You dreamed of kissing me
Mind racing towards me.
What happened?
What changed?
My lips are still soft
My tongue still sweet.
My hips are still sturdy,
And my waist still small.
Maybe it all became too much for you
Maybe I am too much for you to take in.

Her soul is being dragged down
Towards the dream realm.
You can see it in her dreariness;
You can see it in her grey and clouded eyes.
You can hear it in the "I'm tired" mantra that she repeats through waking hours
You can feel it when she puts all her heart's heavy weight onto yours when she leans into you for a hug.
She's being dragged down
Towards the dream realm...
Perhaps she will be better off there.

When did you decide it's better to bite other people's tongues
And leave them never wishing to speak again
Just because you can't stand to bite your own?

I still remember your hands
I remember how warm they were
Your long flat fingers
The scars that dotted your tan skin
From all the days spent working in the rain
You hated them
But I loved them.

I remember your eyes
A burning brown
Eyes that glossed over with rainbow oil spills
In the sunlight that reflected off your whole being
You hated them
But I loved them.

I remember your hair
I remember twisting my fingers through it
Thick and dark
Silky straight
You hated it
But I loved it.

I remember your lips
I remember them pressing against my back
Soft and full
Dark and smooth
You hated them
But I loved them.

I remember your voice
I remember many nights where it cooed me to sleep
Deep and comforting
The most familiar thing I knew
You hated it
But I loved it.

I remember your body
I remember being held and feeling safer than I ever had before
Tall and sturdy
Like a tree
You hated it
But I loved it.

I remember your words
"I don't love you anymore"
You hated having to spit them off your tongue
And I hated having to force them through my ears.
You hated me
And I still loved you.

If I was a garden
You would've been my compost
Because you were ******
And you stunk
But you still made me grow so strong and tall and beautiful.
I have blossomed into a new woman.

I have learned from this, no matter how much it stinks

Sprawled out
Under two different trees
On opposite sides of the city
Connected by hearts
And by cell phones.

Under this tree I fled from
The scolding words of my mother
Telling me you were no good.
I fled not to the tree
But to the promise of your calming words

It was under the maroon leaved tree
Where I spent summer nights with crickets and fireflies by my side
And you in my ear.
How come I did not listen to my mother?

I soon noticed the leaves dying off
Crumbling and tumbling
Just like your interest in me.
I heard the whispered winds and your dwindling spirit
I felt the icy chill
And the bitter bite
On my skin
And in my heart.

It was under this tree
That you told me you did not love me.
That your affections had migrated south
Towards her warm and juicy fruit
That had been tempting towards being ripe for months.
She was a peach
But I am homemade jam.

You cannot survive the harsh freeze without me
But every time I look out at that tree
I am reminded that everything comes to an end
And if you can't survive the cold,
Then I'll just let it be.

Next time it burns
I'll tell it to the tree
To the bark
To the busy beetles under her skin.
She will stay
Steadfast
And listen, like you never did.

Doesn't it hurt to cut your own strings?
To keep yourself distant?
Isolated?
Detached?

Feelings of vague and cloud and grey
Veil your thoughts
Inner workings

What a shame
I bet your raw emotions are glorious
Radiant
Breathtaking

I wish I could see your
Feelings of bright and sun and gold

I am told that I have to call someone
Whenever I feel even just a breeze of sadness.
I'm not sure who this person will be
Or how they will feel about waking up
To 9 missed calls on their lock screen
Every morning.