Call me your knife
For I am the one moving deeply against your flesh
For I am the slick blade that finally draws blood
For I am the weapon that at last pierces straight through

Have you seen the boy
   with eyes blue and
   deep like the sea?

                               Have you seen the boy
                                  with eyes sweet and
                                  puppy-dog brown?

Have you seen the boy
with eyes that flicker
like golden flames?

                               Have you seen the boy
                                  with eyes greener
                                  than spring grass?

Have you seen any of these boys
   who promised to last?

Maybe I'm not the one who threw rocks at windows
Maybe I just laughed drunkenly at the sound of shattering
Maybe I'm not the one who wrote or changed the law
Maybe I'm just the one who blindly defied or followed
Maybe I'm not crazy or an insomniac or dangerous
Maybe I just told myself was so I could have excuses
Maybe I really ****** everything up
Maybe I don't have to anymore

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

I stare up at the clouds and wonder what you would see
           if you were still looking up with me
I imagine you're looking down now, down at earth, at me
I wonder what your laugh would sound like, grown up
My heart is trying so hard not to break every time I think
           of your sweet smile and the rest of my body shakes
The tears don't come any more, not that I was ever one to cry

When night falls
            and I see the stars, I look at my wrist and recall how
            I had to compose my self enough to tell the artist how
            to spell your name
When night falls
            the moon is still enough to light up my arm so that
            I can trace the script with my fingertips
When night falls
            I can't do anything but quietly whisper *"I'm sorry."

            **I don't know why I'm the miracle and you're the memory

I can't stop staring
I'm in a trance
Holding a razor
I start to laugh
Why did I believe
I could be okay
My breath's a waste
I've no reason to stay

Look at my hips
Look at all of me
What a joke
A blob-ish mess
Needs to go
Press the blade
Gently into me
Or is it deeper
I can't tell
I stopped feeling today
Downward *****
I'm on again
I should end me quick
But I just can't

I laugh again
Oh how tragic
Girl hates herself
But deep down
Is scared to end it
Look at the blood
Pool at the incision
Until it drips down
Over my hip
And slow down
The curve of my thigh
It feels so good
Addictive high

If I felt pain
Maybe I'd stop
Maybe the red
Hitting the floor
Would frighten me
But I'm not scared
Not of blood
I'm scared of hurting
The ones that I love

So clean up the blood
Put the razor away
Grab some bottles
Paint, polish remover, glue
Whiteout, Windex
Anything to inhale will do
Wish I had a
Bit of ***** too

Waste myself away
Try to cope another day

You all want to be my friend
Shower me in compliments
Until you actually get to know me
Then you disappear
And I feel even worse

Lace covers his tongue
That tastes like oxygenated copper,
The sand caught in his lashes
Looks so harsh against warm brown eyes.
I want to unwrap him, unbind him;
He used to be glorious in his vanity--
Now he is drowning in concern.
Wanting to be everyone's favorite
Has never been an easy game.

I'm crazy,
but what does that make me?
My breath is ragged
from my thoughts.
My thoughts.
My thoughts don't stop.
They jump and leap,
and make circles,
chasing each other.
My thoughts I do not keep --
they keep me.
Is this reason to applaud,
or reason to weep?

You watch a movie
About a girl with cancer
Dying in a hospital,
A boy who loves her holding her hand.
You start to cry,
Because that was you,
Sitting in a bed waiting to die.
Sweetie
They call you, the nurses,
You have a brain tumor,
They tell you.
And it’s growing,
It’s inoperable,
Dead center of your head.

Dead.
They use that word.

You are dying,
Because your cells are trying too hard,
Just like you do everyday.
You are crying now watching this movie,
That girl was you.
Dying.
Scared,
In a Boston hospital room.
Numb.
Except no one was holding my hand,
No one is.

Now you lie
Awake at night,
Few years later,
Torturing yourself.
What if it grows back?

You were my everything,
Proud of me, and my insanity.
You were my comfort,
Crying in your passenger seat.
You were my anchor,
Grounded me, helped me breathe.
So why then
Did you have to leave?
Yes, you came through for me,
For one night, back in April.
But am I worth more
Than one night? Than one hour?
I used to be.
And you used to be my everything.

Thank you world, you tried
I tried not to look gross today
And you tried to pretend it worked
Though we both know I did anyway

Some said I looked nice, cute
I even got a "**** dat *****"
But it's clear that's not true
I'll never be pretty to you

back to the time before we were broken
back to when we weren't yet fractured
back to the time before we were glowing
back to when we weren't yet acquainted
back to the time before we were oddities
back to the first time you had just met me

can we go back to that dark, shadowed night
when I wasn't quite broken
when you weren't quite alright
we were just strangers
shadows on the wall
with nothing yet to lose
and no reason yet to fall

why am i
so afraid
so stupid
so unconventional
so depressed
so hopeful
so cut off
so open
so worried
so trusting
so afraid
afraid
afraid
terrified
of every **** thing
every ******* thing
unsure
unwilling
to give myself
impulsive
inclined
to give everything
pulling back at the last second
he offered me forever
and i ran away
the truth hurts
hurts
hurts
i am afraid
so very afraid
to make a promise
for i fear it will be broken
before it's made
this is my truth
i throw myself into the mess
and rip myself out
to hide tattered
in a corner
i don't want to be broken
broken
broken
because it hurts more
to put yourself back together
than to fall apart
understand
understand
understand
this is my confession
i will run
if you give me a chance
i will run if you ever decide
to try
try
try
with me
don't let me run
i know you don't want me
no one really ever has
and i hold the blame
but if you try
don't let me run
hold
hold
hold
me close
and i will hold you
please listen to me
for this is a truth
you must know
i will hurt you before you hurt me
because that's how
i've learned to survive
survive
survive
don't let me break you
break myself
if you give me a try
don't let me leave after one night
show me it's okay
safe to stay
*stay
stay

She wore a smile everyday,
Laughed and shrugged her cares away.
She wasn't scared, not afraid.
That was why he was so worried.
She talked of knives and scars unseen,
He thought it was just a joke, a tease.
She casually mentioned their hate of her,
This he thought ridiculous, absurd.
She never slept at all during night.
And he worried, but pretended it was nothing.
Until he saw her hip, her scars,
Heard the things they've done.
But she was still unafraid,
So still he pretended it all was nothing.
Then one day he woke up,
And she was finally sleeping.

I am my own favorite joke.

She asked for tonight and he was ready for forever
So he just held her while the window shutters shook

She muttered in her sleep and he called her name when he was awake
So she said his back because he made her heart beat faster

She stood calf deep in the wind and snow and he wished her inside
So he stepped into the storm and was just in time to see her collapse

She was the only one he wanted and he was the only one around for her
So she let him bring her inside and he held her for another night

She woke in his arms once more
                           He dreamt of their together days and always
But his sleeping face scared her
                           But he was unaware of her uncertainties

So she left at his side a note to replace her
                           And he wasn't sure where to look for her this time

               But                                                                  ­           While
She had after all only asked for tonight                   He was ready for forever

It's fancy meeting you here
I say as if I haven't been
Planning this run in for weeks.
And you give me
A smile in passing,
As you join the girl
You always prefered.
And I say it's okay,
And I scream it's okay,
To myself more so than to anyone else.
Because who am I
To dare
That you could ever
Love me again
After the way
I left you?
So before you go,
I just want to say,
You were my biggest mistake.
Not because you tried,
But because I walked away.
I recall all the attempts you made.
You wanted to fix my world,
Save a scared little girl,
And I threw you out.
I threw you away
Before with opened eyes
I realized
I needed you to stay.
No one else has ever looked at me --
Not the way you used to.
So it's funny,
Running into you here,
When I've been running
For all of these years.

no matter where i look
i can see my inadequacy
reflected in
everything i do
everything i say

everyone is worse off
with me around
why can't i just fix myself
permanently

if someone else isn't
breaking me
i am

i am breathing, breathing
breathe in and out
get your head outta the clouds
someone get me down

got myself stuck
looking for an easy way out

disappear, disappear
just let me float away
held my heel, held my weakness
immortalize my brain

got myself exposed
looking for an easy way out

half ghost and half wannabe
cross the border
let go of a piece of me
chaos, disorder

got myself severed
looking for an easier way out
just an easy way out

half ghost and half wannabe (breathing, breathing)
cross the border (in and out)
let go of a piece of me (get out, get out)
chaos, disorder (someone please get me down)
chaos, disorder (get me down)
chaos, disorder (easy way out)

just cross the border

He just wanted to help
An arm is grabbed
Her heart skips a beat
No, not good, not good...
She can't move
Can't breathe
Inhale, exh-
Inhale, exh-
Can't breathe
She is red, airbrushed porcelain
Can't meet his eyes
Says please don't touch me
He laughs
Please don't touch me
Her body is shaking
Her mind is racing
P-please
He lets go
And she's still alone

Why are you my lion that shies away like prey?
Your doe eyes have taken this too far.

The bounce in your step has made you Tigger,
And I'm your Pooh bumbling after;

I'm the coyote continuously trying to catch up,
But you hit the ground running and you won't stop for me.

Oh, shooting star, I'm the one burning out it seems;
I'm jumping through wormholes, tearing myself in more than two.

In this garden you're the rosebud and I'm the thorns
Climbing my way up, only to never reach you.

If you're the life of the party, then I'm the death at a funeral.
Tragic how I can never quite seem to catch you for a moment.

You're the arctic wind whistling, calling me to you,
Though it seems my whole life I'll be stuck swimming with penguins.

My crazy little snowfall has become a blizzard,
But darling I was built for your sunshine.

The way you bring out my stars has made you my new moon,
And I fear I'm the uncommon eclipse consequently making day dark.

I'm the words and you're the melody;
I'm humming you all day, but you refuse to say my name.

I didn't know it was a crime to love you, I can't be caught now,
Can't stop, can't turn back, for it seems I've already committed my offense.

I       f       a       w       I       t       a       y
          a       p       h                h      b      o
            l        a       e                 i       o      u
              l        r        n                n      u
                         t                            k      t

Everyday I wake praying it was all a dream.
I open my eyes hoping to find you beside me.

Can't look anyone in the eye,
I hate myself for what I'll do tonight.
I already know I won't improve,
Can't, so what can I lose?

No one cares,
No one 'll miss me.
Not at all loved,
She just wants to 'kiss' me.

I am a trophy;
Up on a shelf.
(Look at this girl --
Danger to herself...)

I want to be your light
       You aren't my light, you are the electricity that turns me on
I want to pretend that I can
       You don't have to pretend, I love you as you are, won't have you
          any other way
But
       So
I can't shine like your night sky
       You might not shine like stars but you are the only thing I see
I can't even fake a smile
       *You don't have to fake a smile, just your hand in mine is all I need

Paper skin
     The ink runs right off

Straw hair
     I can't seem to chop

Glass hands
     No one can hold

Plaster legs
     From a broken mold

My silence is a barbed wire I choke myself with.

Your words are
           Laced with lead,
                       And I sink further
                                        Into the abyss of my heart
                                                                 The more you drape over me...

I've been hit,
I've been grabbed.
I've been pinned down,
I've been forced.

But wanting you
And living in fear,
Compared to the acts themselves,
This almost feels worse.

Mother, you were good to me. You loved me in your own way that I didn't always understand. Don't blame yourself.
Father, you loved me, I suppose. I can't say that you cared though, at least, not about me.
Brother, don't turn out like me, make something of yourself. Don't try to become anyone else, to impress people, to fit in, just be yourself. Stop being so violent, it will get you into trouble.
KB, I know you never really picked me and I didn't quite pick you, but I think maybe God did, picked us for each other. You were the best friend I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for everything. I wish I could have shown you what you meant to me.
EK and EC, you were the best friends who could be depended on even though you weren't properly appreciated. I'm sorry.
AJ, God, you re-instilled in me the hope that people can change, that people can be beautiful. Thank you for Fridays, for my birthday, for Brazil, and for picking up at 2 a.m.
AK and DF, you were the most inspiring and genuine friends I've ever known. Thank you for showing me friendship.
JW, don't stop singing, playing, and laughing- you are music people should dance to.
KJ and MG, my oldest friends, thank you for never leaving me long. You are both so lovely, only accept what you truly deserve, please, okay?
MO, try not to be too naive or too much of a smart ***, alright? And thank you, for being part of my 'theme' and proving a point.
Finally, AM, I haven't known you long, but thank you for letting me need you.

Don't miss me, but don't forget me.
I love you all.