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Eve Apr 2017
It was March 2007,
   An exact decade
The land was barren
   My bare body laid
The air was in drought
   Helplessness rioted and raid
Humanity was in scarcity
   My debt soul sinfully paid
   For its innocence
He was inside me, collecting dues
I was nine, crying and loud
He was forty one, enjoying and proud.

My money ran out,
August 2011.

April 2017
Debts never truly forgotten,
It was after work Saturday when
My debts finally finished paying
A vase left him bleeding

No longer loud and helpless.

-fir.m
I decided that it was about time i opened with this childhood treachery. I've always been to scared to let go, to truly visit this earth as it's guest. See the thing is my entire life lived so far has made me feel captive. Captured in my own skin, the skin i blame for my vulnerability, but no more. I was without once, but not anymore. Remember, no one can ever break your soul without your consent. Fight it, fight your own mind, fight your own skin for it's own freedom. You wouldn't regret it I promise.
Eve Jun 2017
your face so confused
my mind too amused
your eyes so empty
my words too petty
he wants to say something
i'm too afraid to listen
         whats wrong darling?
all his words expressed
were finishing my quest
for his wrongs said nothing
my wrongs said everything
he exclaimed HOW?

"just how can you get so much fire, get so much gold?

but still have a heart so unfathomably cold."

-fir.m
Eve Mar 2022
Do you think it's fair

that i burnt my heart

with the image of you

knowing that we're cursed

to be . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

-fir.m
Eve Jun 2015
I try to get a grip of time
But I keep making love to a man that will never be mine
I caress more than his mouth
And he moans without doubt
Timely shadows of ecstatic instruments hit the wall
Until the clock strikes the end of it all..
  
Tobacco candies between my burnt lips
As he brush my many napes with his fingertips
Probably thinking about that girl he has deceived  
And just before he leaves
I Stifle the tears that i'll never be the queen on his deck
And he leans forward to give me a peck
     And nothing more
     After all, as he once said; i'm just his *****...

-fir.m
Eve Apr 2022
Is it weird to miss a feeling that you're not sure even existed?

-fir.m
Oh.
Eve Sep 2016
Oh.
Oh how my heart grows fond
Oh how it wrecks my every bond

It fails my lungs
It endorses my wrongs
It drowns my heart
Pulling my limps apart

Ohh, how it closes all doors
And so much more

This sickening melancholy
This universal unholy
Attached itself to my brain
Tries to prove myself insane

Oh how it makes me want to go berserk
Puts my mind out of lurk

Ripping all ties to pieces
Figuring it'll bring me to peace

Oh but all it does is spread
All corners of my soul blue or red
Oh how it ruins me
Foregoing all the good I was supposed to be

Oh how this loneliness is addicting
This melancholy is growing
This bittersweet agony
This sweetbitter happy

Is it me?
Or
It is it apart of me?

I wonder
Oh how I wonder

-fir.m
Eve Mar 2021
My fiery red heart is in the darkness
Its beat is suffocating, it’s almost breathless
As every second goes by, it slows easily
And with it every cell, every atom cries for help, warily.
It’s fighting so hard every day and every minute for its survival
But I can’t help but feel even demise seems like a better call;

Oh dear hands of relentless agony,
release my heart, return my sanity.
Oh great hands that own me,
return the good part of life ever so willingly.
I'll go along my way, away from you,
Away from this tension to anything and everything new,
Anything that’ll replace this suffocating pressure!
Anything that’ll release me from this trap laid for me to suffer!

Oh tight grips of confinement, please,
From this disgusting displeasure- put me at ease.
Allow me the privilege to feel anything other than this
TORTURE, SADNESS, PAIN, I beg- open your fists.

Oh Great hands that tugs my fiery red heart,
Return it to me before I lose all my colour to this dark.
I plead to you Oh Great Hands that possess me;
Open your fists, release your grip, gently put me down and gracefully leave me be...
For everything and anything outside your existence isn’t that bad.
I just want returned to me all the innocence I once had.

Oh Great Hands of unhappiness, what do you want from me?
Have I not given you enough? What more could you possibly need? Love, maybe?
But I will never love you.
I can never love you.
I refuse to ever love you.
Oh great hands of antagonizing pain,
I’ll never see the true beauty of this life if you keep me this chained.

What is that? Your words aren't very clear!
Tell me if it's right- the words that I hear;
"Oh my precious, it is you who is the beholder of this chain.
It is you who’s holding on to something without healthy gain.
These grips have long released you from this displeasure ,
Oh my darling, it is you who is refusing to be free, refusing closure!"

Oh Great Hands that had me, return and bind me into this darkness where we once played,
bind me to you so at least I have someone to blame for this weight that never seems to fade.
Oh Great Hands that opened their fists, hold on to me and take me away from this world,
it’s not as beautiful as I thought, take me away and hide me like a pearl.
I swear I’ll not complain anymore, I swear I’ll not fight you, I swear I’ll love you.
I swear I’ll love you and all the pain you come with ever so blue.

Oh Great Hands, I beg you, please save me-----

From myself...

-fir.m
Eve May 2015
I basket-ed my wounds
With the sole purpose of still being your friend
But all it did was made me feel swooned
Only hoping that this torture would end
As every second passes by; seeing you with her
My heart aches with profound jealousy
Why can't I stop loving further?
For this pain takes me day by day breathlessly...
Every image of you etches in my mind; sealed
I imagine your words to her being sweeter than wine...
I just wish that the devil was real
So i could purchase your love with mine

-fir.m
Again, x'D nothing personal .-.
Eve Sep 2016
My cigarette burnt lips have so much to say,
Under this roof on a majestic night we lay,
Storms and clouds might as well be in our way,
Stars will fall short wherever they may,
Believe that the ocean will wash the pain away,
For you're the magnificent star that lights my day.
Oh, how I hope forever with me you'll stay.
You're my religion, you're how I pray.*

-fir.m
Eve Jun 2015
-Never let yourself fall prey
To something you feel has captured you
For nothing can be taken from you without your consent.-

-fir.m
Eve Mar 2015
Colours in the air
Sparks everywhere
Almost dark
The crimson of the sunset still has its mark
Bewildering every eye that lay upon it
Every heart that keeps the happiness fit
Soon it will be nostalgic
For everything happy or tragic
Always comes to an end.
Sad isn't it.
But which reality is happy?

-fir.m
I don't know x'D
Eve Nov 2016
the devil you found in your lover
ruined the angel in your reins
he made you wish life were never  
and made you one with pain;
into one cold heart *******

-fir.m
Eve Jun 2015
Now i'm wearing this smile that i don't believe in
And inside i feel like screaming
     I had options;
     You were my chance to completion
     And when you leaned close to kiss me
     There was drowning melancholy
     But I kissed my fears; instead of you
And now towards me you've grown blue.
Eventually my heart gone sore
And i'm drowning in a water-less floor
It hurts to acknowledge the feelings that I hide
Fearing that destiny would not abide
It's not your fault, i swear
It might just be too hard to bear..
For who would truly love a girl with all these scars?

-fir.m
The most damaging aspect of abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by the people that we love and trust
-Unknown-
Eve Apr 2023
I know
That it
Is selfish,
But my anger
Wants you
To ache for
Me
The way
I ache
For you.



Only then I'll be pleased; knowing that you're truly suffering for all the love you gave and took away.

-fir.m
Eve Sep 2016
All my love were lost on you.
Magnificent are your shades of blue,
My shades of black are beautiful too,
Its all so pretty yet you have no clue.

-fir.m
Eve Oct 2017
Sanity lurks within the insane
Feeling sunshine in the rain
Lost, but in the right place
Each raindrop echoes your face
Dreaming, but wide awake
Will go breathless in your sake

Soaring in the depts of madness
They say I'm in love
What is this happiness?
It's an alien feeling, it's mauve
An uncertain colour, beautifully pale
Like the death your eyes prevail.

Your words make me fly
In this weary ****** up sky.
Your 49 shades of blue  
I gracefully try to woo.
Your eyes, I crazily admire
Baby, you're everything I desire.

Come to my depths soon
Touch my soul, make me bloom

-fir.m
She
Eve Feb 2015
She
He approached
She smiled
He spoke
She listened
He held out his hand
She grabbed it
He made promises
She made promises
He smirked
She believed
He took her out
She went with him
He said “I love you”
She meant “I love you too”
He gave her flowers and chocolates
She gave him her heart
He took more than it
She gave it
He enjoyed her
She enjoyed watching him enjoying her
He came often
She loved that
He came seldom
She ignored that
He stopped coming
She stopped smiling

He left her
She left us.

-fir.m
This is just the simple cycle of these type of relationship. It can go visa-versa with the sexes. The guy was wrong but the girl made herself gullible.
Eve Feb 2015
It's warm.
What is this blissfulness?
"It's me.. You're not alone"
Embedded in the eardrum.
Tears disappeared
By just one glance at that curve on the face
That weird, yet such an euphoric curve
It's called a smile
Strange-
For it made the pain scattered
What is this comfort?  

Soon a smile was made apart of the appearance
Apart of the life
This curve was then around all the corners of the world

But where is the warmth?
The one that was felt in the beginning
It was always felt in thy heart
It was always seen when looked right..
But is no more seen or felt.
Blinked away,
It vanished
And where was thy?
Back in the cold.
The smile, euphoric?
What's that?

-fir.m
Eve Feb 2018
There's something wrong with my smile
I don't know if anyone else sees it
But i have been going through my pictures
And for the longest while
There has been something wrong with my smile

I remember the pictures of colgate ad worthy
And i see now pictures of nothing happy worthy
There's something wrong with my smile
That good jest of good riddance
That warm comfort, that warm trans
What is wrong with my smile?

-to be continued-

-fir.m
I'll continue when i find answers
Hopefully i will find answers.
Eve Jun 2015
Oceans apart
Stitched Hearts
Stars unseen
Emotions intervene

Thoughts ignored
Words never bore
Pictures sent
Modesty bent

Her mind knew
Her blood ran blue
Fears adapted
Soul captive

"Release me!" she cries
Send was never pressed, her heart pries
She fears
To her, he becomes dear
And when he is ready to leave
Nothing in her will be ready to believe.

-fir.m
This is just a random thought about many long distance relationships where he/she feels captivated by someone they can never truly know whether they are fake or true!
Eve Dec 2019
I've lost my father more than a year ago
It should be enough time to mourn, no?

I loved him with all my heart
And just like that he was taken out of
The only realities I've ever known

Yes, death is indeed inevitable
But is it fair to make us love something so ever dearly
To just rip it out of our grasp
In such short notice and in such swift torment

I loved him with all my heart
And my eyes will never shed enough tears
For a man that created a spectacle of all the other men
that had, has and will ever enter my life
And I'm unable to show my mother
This pain I feel

She's sitting in her room listening to the old
Warmth and lovingness in Michael Bolton's voice
As she cries to her heart's content and
She reminisces all the glorious times they've had
Ignorant to how I'd feel hearing the agony in her throat

I loved him with all my heart
To be selfish and to be selfless at the same time

And I love her with all my heart
To let her see the strongest and the most resilient
Version of her daughter

-fir.m
Eve Dec 2018
There's nothing pretty about a girl that is 100 pounds overweight.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has 15 different skin tones.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has faint eyes coloured dark with insomnia.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thin lips barely matching the size of the doubled chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has fat cheeks hiding her faint eyes from the world.

There's nothing pretty about girl that has a  neck covered in fat and hidden by the weight of the chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has ******* smaller than the belly it resides above.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has belly enough to cover the scope of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thighs that rubs together hiding scopes of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has a camera that dulls and fades the blemishes and extra chins away.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has pictures of herself resonating on her social medias but not looking like herself.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that hasn't accepted that there's nothing pretty about her.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has.................

There's nothing pretty about me.

-fir.m
Eve Nov 2021
We live in a world surrounded with friendly monsters
disguised as friends, family, relatives and folksters.
Be wary of whom you let tame you
and be wary of whose cage and stables you enter into
for it will be invisible behind pretty smiles
hidden behind small talks and small walks in dangerous aisles
a journey seeming utterly beautiful like snowflakes in winter
but in reality, they’ll all use you, disgrace you and leave you bitter.

-fir.m
I wrote this back in 2018, lol sometimes i find scribble saved all over that i had completely forgot about
Eve May 2015
The year of the downfall
The year of the broken
The month when every human built walls
The month when returned with pride every token
The week of the undying lust
The week of the of the pardons of the unjust
The day the skyscrapers fell
The day the dirt started to rot
The hour of the broken majestic bell
The hour of your first cut
The moment of truth
The moment of dead roots

Those are nothing,
Nothing,
Compared to
     That moment I lost you.  ~~

-fir.m
^_^ p.s nothing too personal
Eve Mar 2021
What does it take to be good enough?

Anybody?


I'm so tired of not being good enough..
Tired tired tired..  😭
tu
Eve Oct 2017
tu
because nothing makes me happier



      and nothing makes me sadder

than you

-fir.m
Eve Feb 2015
Fascinated by such trivial matters
I look at them in astonishment
I watch their every move
With symphonies embedded in my eardrums.

What does it feel like?
To show?
To care?
To know?
To feel? ..

Do they stop to think?
That it's more than them
Having classes and relationships to tend to
More than who's wearing a prada or gucci
More than what's there to see
And to just notice the unseen
Feel the unseen
Be the Unseen.

-fir.m
Eve Jan 2015
Shivering to the cold
Still no effort in search of warmth
Why?
Is there anything like warmth anymore...
It's just cold,
Blue Flakes Surrounded,
Piercing,
Etching,
The velvet box,
The one that holds my heart captive,
safe.

-fir.m
x'D It is a cold night.
Eve Jan 2021
Here you were thinking
Woww life is really great
When you have people that love you
When you have people that cherish you
When you have people that adore you
But what if, just what if thats all just in your mind
What if you made up this fantasy in your head
About everything you've ever wanted
And everything you've ever craved for
And told yourself that it exists
What if you play scenarios that happen in one way and interpret it in three ways
Multiplying the actual meaning of the scenarios
What if you give credit to a person for being themselves but themselves is a liar
What if no matter if that liar is a liar you're happy with it
As the fantasy in your head is unwilling to let go of the part that liar plays
But what if there's more than one liar
What if they're all liars
What if they've only told you what they wanted you to hear because you have high expectations of them
And they know this and you know this
So technically it's not their fault for being on the pedestals you've placed them on
It's not their fault that you're unwilling to accept the garbage of this world
It's not their fault that you keep fantasizing about a happy life with any and everyone that can adore you
What if, just what if you can actually find that someday?
What if you never find that
You're tired of actively searching for people to give you what you can give them
You're tired of being this woman that expects
And expects
And expects
Should you or could you maintain this fantasy without completely
And utterly falling apart
From shame, from pain from torment
Or should you just let it all go and just..
Just ....

-fir.m
Idek
Eve Jun 2015
My mind wants you to go
But my heart stooped too low
It wants you clenched in the fists of unbidden desires
But your patience slowly expired
You said Goodbye
And in ignorance I ****** my tears dry
I didn't attempt to stop you
You didn't turn around to meet my view

    What was that bittersweet agony?
That buried into my head; your melodies
Your unsought words drowns me in an ocean-less pit...
As I walked the lanes where to you I became whit
I reminisce on the first word you ever said to me
And compared it to the last and undoubtedly
They sounded the same...

   Unsure if you ever did love me at all
I try to **** your memories growing tall
With bursting flames
Seaming through my veins
I dig a grave for your souvenirs
And slowly peer at the dirt; reincarnating my tears
Did i do the right thing?
For the pain of being without, stings
Like snowflakes against zinc

But then what if it is for the better?
Somewhat like an investment letter
Where I forego you for something prettier to come
or not?
Who knows?

-fir.m
Did i do the right thing, trusting my instinct .... ?
Eve Feb 2015
Stifling from the fallen Grace
You've loved,
You've lost.
Unbidden promises,
the ones that annihilated
What was known as love,
What was known as caring,
What was known as selflessness.
But why?
Are they the ones you keep safe
In your ******* soul
Filled with anger,
Frustration.
Those are the promises that is meant to be forgotten,
Yet you hold them captive,
Reasons?
I shall never know..
Will you ever let me know?

-F.M
I have this one friend that i hold close but i wonder if she knows how much i care for her. I'm not a person who shares sentiment easily but little by little i hope to achieve more confidence into what i want to become. I hope that one day she'll open up to me as i expect her to, for i just want to be there for her.
Eve Sep 2016
In your garden, I'm a withering rose
my petals have fallen, on the tip of your toes
my body, mind and soul belongs to you
It's just unbelievable, the art in what you do.
Shower my roots, brighten my youth,
***** my brilliance, soften my mud
You're already my heavens, be my God.*

-fir.m
Eve Jun 2017
my heart is not fragile
yet when im with you im agile
without you im not worthwhile

my words hardly stumble when i talk
but with you im even shaken when i walk
without you i gawk to find you like a hawk

my vision not too clear, can hardly tell things apart
however with you i see all with my heart
without you im barely even smart

i know not spanish dutch or french
but with you all love songs are sensed
without you all are stentch

with you all things beautiful
without you all things pitiful

i like things beautiful

       lets keep them beautiful.

-fir.m
Eve Jul 2015
What are we worth?
See the thing is,
      We have none.

-fir.m
Eve Apr 2023
How is it that I mean so little to you?
When I cry my whole heart out blue
How is it fair that I'm the one crying every night?
When you're out there living your best ******* life
Do I really mean so little to you?
After all these years of us being perfectly dued
To this thing called love...
How can I mean so little to you?
You ******* *******.

-fir.m
I know its selfish. I know it's selfish to want you to ache for me the way I am for you.
Eve Feb 2015
You're* the shell I once kept safe
Now carefully shoved away

You're the song I once loved
Now deleted for it caused boredom

You're the book I once read over and over and over
Now easily packed on the shelf

You're the food I once stored to eat
Now decomposed in the trash long gone to the heap

You're the flower I once nurtured
Now dying without a drought

You're the candle I've always kept lit
Now the flames put out.

You were the one always on my mind
Yet after so much, still on my mind.

-fir.m
till this day you remain
Eve Jun 2023
Those eyes, so striking;
Hiding such deception
   •looking only to gain
Not to save and restore
But to corrupt and pain
Yet, I let you love me
For I am filth, ensured
To give you everything
For just your phony love
For just your presence.

Those lips, so intoxicating;
Dishonest with such precision
     •Each word a poison, sweetly steeped,
To keep my heart in darkness deep.
Your potion’s spell will never wane,
Your charms both thrilling and profane.
Though forged in falsehood, they delight,
And I, mere human, seek their light.
Your deceit becomes my fragile tether,
Your lies preserve my stormy weather.
Oh, how I need this tempest, fierce and wild
To soothe my chaos, broken and beguiled.

That touch, so mesmerizing;
Fatal with such bruising intent
    •love, it is you, and you alone
That can wreck me so beautifully
Each caress, a dagger cloaked in silk,
Each bruise, a hymn, each tear, a thrill.
You play my mind, a victor proud,
And I’m enthralled, your captive bowed.
Your hands both clothe and strip my soul,
Fulfilling voids, making me whole.

That presence, so alluring
A beauty borne of aching torment.
•Yet here I stand, my burdens vast,
Ignoring how my weakness casts
Its shadow on the strength you feign,
Your love a balm, a binding chain.
I see you trying, in your way,
To love me how your heart conveys.
And though it burns, I crave the flame,
For in your ruin, I find my name.

-fir.m

— The End —