A part of me still wishes to die
Maybe that part of me should
That part so attached to my demons alike
To rid myself of them; if only I could

Spiteful thoughts fester in the darkest corners
They tell me I am simply no-good
Isolate yourself, you'll be happier that way
You have lived long enough misunderstood

How loud is her voice, condescending and cruel
Yet, she raised me since childhood
Like a toxic love you cannot seem to part with
I still live for the day I would

Lost in assumptions and conclusions
Living amongst influences and illusions
How easy it is to lose my sense of self

While drowning in other's expectations
That often discourages original creations
I consider just being like everyone else

But to go down a path already made
Starves me of the adventure that I crave
And an undaunted outlook I have not yet felt

I am a palette among paintings
Still in the process of creating
A new colour to call myself

I was entranced by him
Until his riptide brought me in
Into an ocean of infatuation
Where I was left stranded

His waves came and left
To me, like mixed signs
Struggling with my emotions
Robbed me of clarity and sight

I was then pulled under
Falling further from the light
As my heart weighed heavier
From this growing feeling inside

His eyes resemble the ocean's trenches
I was captivated by curiosity
Of what lies beneath the shallows of him
The depths of his soul intrigues me

He felt like home
The other half of my soul
My heart has always been homeless

I held a nomad's heart
Unable to take part
In settling for a love that was fruitless

Yet with him, time stood still
Leaving my fate unfulfilled
With him, I found no need to wander

Because of him, I stayed
He consumed more of my days
In him, I found safety and comfort

Then one day I realized
I became spoiled with vice
For I was a vagabond who stayed

What use are my wings
If I am not exploring
My heart was simply led astray

As though I was caught under glass
Because I had trespassed
In a home that was not meant for me

He felt like home
When I did not have my own
I was not looking for one initially

I explored love's territory
Leaving my own love's story
As I resume my journey again

There are times I still wonder
On those days of endless ponder
If I had made the right choice in the end

Life took away her wings
A vital and precious piece of her
She laid there, defenceless and vulnerable
She had encountered life at its worst

What is a butterfly without her wings
No appearance to hide behind
She had to live with what was left of her
Life sadly had not been kind

She questioned who she was
With her new inability to fly
Her newfound lack of freedom
Awaited a fate she could not fight

Without her wings, she began to crawl
Reverting back to a childlike state
For an end gives rise to a new beginning
Her positivity was something innate

Her downfalls made her climb higher
Pain didn't bother her anymore
Her fear to fall had diminished
She was stronger than before

Her fighting spirit emerged out of her
Giving form to new wings
Her tears nurtured and shaped them
She began her new chance at living

Another year has past
Time still runs too fast
Many times I failed to catch up

But I found those who wait for me
For it is they who has saved me
I am grateful for all who I came to love

For I still struggle to let them in
Because my inner child from within
Is still frighten from all she was deprived of

I am not the brightest star
Nor do I have the kindest heart
But I thank those who made me feel like I was enough

Why do you inflict harm upon yourself
When outsiders do it for you
As though there is power in pain
Self-harm gives the power to choose

When the pain starts to when it ends
How much pain is given willingly
Open wounds turn into battle scars
Of the demons who wish to control me

At the end of pain is numbness
Nothing more left to miss
Empty and a hollowed out shell
An embodiment of an emotionless abyss

The warmth of my blood reminds me
Of the warmth I still hold inside
Heart beating, hard breathing
All the essence that I am alive

He lives in days
I live in decades
His world in constant change
My world struggles to be sane

The master of his ship
Unbothered by the sea
I am the waves, the current
All the chaos underneath

How incompatible are we
Only now I've come to see
He was made for adventure
But he was not made for me

He can tolerate the harshness
He can understand my depth
But tolerance is still not love
Or else he wouldn't have left

Our paces are mismatched
They cannot intertwine
How do I catch up to him
If his pace outruns mine

His seconds are my moments
So little that he forgets
Locked beneath my trenches
Like a buried treasure chest

Love encased in words
Traveling from one mind to the next
Your pen draws out feelings
As an offering to the recipient

How does one capture warmth
And release it on to paper
Where a piece of a heart's soul
Folded so neatly by its maker

I open my heart like a letter
That used to be sealed in secrecy
I feel love in words, written and said
I love each letter significantly

Each line I read gradually builds
With every word, like a puzzle piece
Creating a simulation of those I love
Giving me comfort in times of need

When a flower wilts
The flower isn't at fault
It is due to the lack of care

You give more love
Improve the surroundings
Why is it still dying there?

What more can you do
The flower is still not at fault
And neither are you to be fair

Its roots were rotten
Hidden death underneath
Life was too much to bear

Sometimes it doesn't feel like me
What I'm living in is foreign
What I want versus what I need
In a way it feels distorted

I was use to deprivation
In a way it was my pride
I didn't need or wanted as much
Even now I still don't mind

Overwhelmed with newfound freedom
I am free. Still, I am lost
I'm no longer trapped or controlled
But that was all I was ever taught

I was raised by maps and manuals
Now you give me a pen to write my own
Opening various paths around me
Paralyzed in anxiety to take even one alone

If recovery meant burning all of my maps
And rewriting all of my manuals
Letting go of strict rules and superior words
To be mortal than something mechanical

I want to keep my inner child alive
The more mature I become, the faster he dies
I want to keep his wonder in my eyes
As my curiosity blurs along with time

Who he is, is getting harder to define
Losing his small hand's grip from mine
Maturation is going to make me blind
The vibrancy of my colours subsides

His childish traits are falling back inside
The outside world and him do not coincide
Hardening my heart that use to be kind
Leaving with his pieces that use to be mine

He retreats to the corners of my mind
Burying himself in memories of time
Because that is where his happiness lies
In my childhood when the world was wide

I place myself behind too many lines
Building a box using all the right signs
Growing up into expectations assigned
Resorting to a life so simplified

I see your inner walls built incredibly high
Your walls seem to match the height of mine
Impenetrable walls fastened together with lies
To give off the impression that you are just fine

Founded on grounds scattered with broken binds
Unlike historical buildings that deteriorate over time
Your walls strengthen, reacting to what was unkind
A never ending job you cannot simply resign

Looking after your heart in the walls you refined
Examining the scars that constantly reminds
Why your walls were built and cautiously designed  
You retreat behind your walls where safety is implied

Hidden in darkness, your feelings start to unwind
Consumed by the darkness you become blind
Sheltered by your walls you cannot see you are confined
Unable to see me, we are on the same side

Tears manage to escape, holding back is denied
Let me hold you, I am here, here for you to confide
Let us use the bricks that emerged from our cries
Tearing down our walls that use to misguide

Build stairs from our ruins so we can rise
Leading to a future that remains untried

This weighted emptiness I feel
Like a part of me is dying
I'm dragging this dead piece in life
Sometimes I get tired of trying
I wait for the upcoming tide
Of the sea that won't stop crying
Salty tears and wailing waves
Somehow appears inviting
Comforted by the familiar chaos
I let the current bring me in
I float and fall as the waves hit me
The pressure surrounds my skin
This weighted emptiness I see
Resembles a dark clear sky
The waves like the wind take me
Home to where I can fly

How lonely it is that no one understands
Because it only makes sense to you
You try to convey the feelings you hide
Only fragmented images peek through
There is not enough context to define
What makes your demons so true
How many times you had to lie
There was no perfect time for the truth
How easy it is to simply deny
With a smile you tend to overuse
As if you cannot cross a line
Losing all willingness to pursue
I use to think I was better than fine
Only to realize it was clearly untrue
I'm scared to share this burden of mine
In case you might catch it too

Misery loves company
We love what is familiar
I find myself often going back
Falling down each time even further
Dark hours seem to consume my life
I find daylight hours to be scarier
No illusion for reality to hide behind
No darkness to act as a filter
Unfortunately, I see through lies
Making cliche words inferior
No amount of love has yet to find
A way to break in my exterior
I gravitate to like-minded kinds
Though my light keeps getting dimmer
As though my mind is frozen in time
Keeping me in an abandoned winter

People tend to forget her
As if she was a chameleon
Blending into conversations
Wearing a shape shifter's skin
She tend to mirror other people
Just to learn how to fit in
But like a mirror, unknowingly
She reflected what was within
A mind teaser, a people reader
She was who she was with
A mixture of absorbed characters
Like a cauldron of characteristics

Your last words to me
Left like ending credits
Unable to grasp my attention
Long, detailed in darkness
Executed in thanks
You gave a long explanation
Why you had to go
Leaving a numb sensation
Does it hurt? I don't know.
What was your intention
To leave yet linger as though
To cause and relieve the tension
Like the last replay
Of my favourite movie
One I can no longer watch
Because it was the end of our story

Captured moments in time
Nestled between my fingers
A treasured piece of that time
Past feelings tend to linger
Back to when you were mine
Caught within a frame
I hold this piece of you
The only piece unchanged
Unlike my love for you
People tend to fade
Into something unrecognizable
Familiarity ceases to remain
When I say I love you
Tis a lie that holds some truth
Reserved for the person you once were
My beloved that you outgrew

My patience tends to run out
Like the last bit of sand
That falls oh so quickly
In a second's span
As if she is at the end
Of my life's hourglass
In order to get to her
I must conquer my past
The girl who awaits me
She, who shares the same soul
The one I am fighting for
Who stands above, on her own
The character that I long for
She, who embodies my goals
Nurtured by the love I will give her
Can't wait to see how much I've grown

His goodbyes were like the sunset
A warm embrace leaving the day
How calming was his presence
As the sound of his steps fade away
He reminds me of the sunset
How I wish he would have stayed
A sight of a beautiful ending
Transitions to memories to my dismay
I hold these memories close to me
So I can put them on display
As I wait for him to come again
A beautiful ending on replay

As I listen to the sounds
Where outside thunderstorms reign
Sounds like muffled cries from inside
I can't help but empathize with her pain
Aching to be acknowledged
The light from lightning does not stay
In hopes in that split second
Was enough to give it away
Endless tears stain my window
As I hear mother nature's cries
When the storm ends and it is quiet again
Remnants of pain are left behind

Recently I tell myself
I'm putting this love on hold
It sounds easier than giving up
Or moving on from a love untold
It sounds indefinite yet not
I'm neither trapped or controlled
To stay or leave when parts of me
Are still divided to uphold
If in 10 years I still love you
Or forget this love I know
I hope to be content, in love
To wherever this heart may go

Caged inside of my ribs
She is the inner child in me
Holds my heart as hostage
In return, for her to be free
How do I satisfy her
A wild child, is she
True freedom and happiness
Cannot be given entirely
As she rattles my heart
Against my ribs so violently
Causing my chest to ache
Reminding me indefinitely
I have neglected her for too long
I pay the price regretfully
For as long as I am alive
She is trapped within me

I was chosen by chance
The moment fate took a bite
The start of my story
Was the end of his life
I felt unworthy and confused
Running farther from the fight
I wasn't scared of the dark
I was more scared of the light
That focused on my failures
Weighed by greater expectations
I was ****** into the web
Of my own frustration
I want to run and hide
Just to escape it all
Forget what fate has given me
All of my fears and all of my falls
This mask that holds a legacy
Wasn't able to mask a novice
Because this suit held a hero
And I wasn't suited for this promise

Sometimes the enemy is myself
In the fight for my will to live
An inner conflict that occurs
More often than I care to admit
Approaching myself with utmost care
As if I am a war torn child
Who is use to conflict yet still afraid
Like bulletproof glass that's fragile

I can't help feeling confused and lost
Not knowing what to chase
I didn't think that far in life
Didn't fathom what I could face
That my fate continued after high school
Graduation wasn't the end of me
I am still alive and surviving
Yet still chasing the idea of being free
I often feel conflicted
Of choosing which path to take
What I want or what is expected of me
I'm still trying to differentiate

If I'm always the odd one out
I must follow where everyone goes
Regardless whether I want it or not
Just to keep everyone close
I've been conditioned to learn
From others, to always want more
More friends equates to more love
Be more successful than before
But fame and fortune do not excite me
I relish in private solitude
I'm reshaping my view on difference
As a preference I'm willing to pursue

Recovery sort of feels like
You're carrying a heavy backpack
Through an unforgiving snowstorm
You try to fight your way through
Just to reach your destination
Each step further, no matter how slow
Is still a step forward
Though, there are times you're exhausted
So you stop and rest for awhile
You stop but the storm doesn't
You freeze and then feel numb
If you sit too long you'll die
You just have to keep going
Even if the journey constantly feels like
You are walking towards you're death
Staying in the same spot will too
The only difference is
You have the chance to choose
You have the choice to change
You're more likely to live
When you don't stay the same

What use to hurt me before
Continues to hurt me now
Though, the people who gave me pain
Are no longer allowed
I realize I still hurt myself
By keeping bad memories around
I am the only one hurting me
A type of self-harm that is mentally bound
I don't want to be in pain no more
Yet I allow life to bring me down
Because that voice is always with me
An inner voice so profound

I seem to prefer the cold
As if to sooth my bruised heart
So it freezes and no longer bleeds
Frozen around and between the parts
Because a cold heart is still whole
Even if it can no longer feel
When the warmth has been lost
Losing its attraction to appeal
Only a fool would fall in love
Having the intention to steal
This fool's gold of a heart away
One that has been shut and sealed

It's easier to say I'm fine, just tired
As if my reply was a movie
Cutting out the details and generalizing
In a way, not giving the whole story
Read me to know more
Though it may be long and tedious
Only for the people who want more
Who will love me more serious
When I say I'm tired
I am tired of life
So when I become more distant
I'm just trying to survive

I felt my heart drop a beat
Reading more along the lines
Another rejection so it seems
Another thing I cannot call mine
I remind myself it's okay
I am told it's not my time
It's another no today
But there's still a yes to find
I just hope that someday
Life will be more kind
That I will find what is right for me
When I am closer to my prime

I was heavily reliant on music
To make those bad thoughts go away
It's useless, you're undeserving
What's the point of living anyway?
I would run to my daydreams
Wherever my soundtrack would take me
A place where my love was whole
It always felt safer than reality
A place I yearned for
Filled with security, stability
I'd go whenever my heart was torn
There, I would mend it with my creativity
Where heartfelt cuts and bruises
Were patched up with hopes and dreams
Only to appear as fully healed
As it didn't stop the bleeding underneath
Slowly I'm cleaning my insides
Releasing the old toxicity
So I can build on those hopes and dreams
And one day be healed wholeheartedly

Overwhelmed by the possibilities
My thoughts race in my head
Grabbing concepts and ideas
Faster than I can comprehend
Like a hamster wheel
No matter how far I go
My thoughts remain
With no action to show
I cannot indulge in my obsession
As it turns into a phase
Overshadowed by another infatuation
So easily it can be replaced
I want to do everything
Yet have the energy to do just one
The choices overwhelm me
I'm left with a list undone

I don't want to be
The center of attention
There for all eyes to see
I want to be acknowledged
And recognized for just being me
I don't want to be known
For my struggles
But I want to be noticed
When I'm struggling
Not for everyone to see
Just one is enough
Just one who understands me

Those silent wars unknown to most
Are the important ones to win
Concealed ongoing wars
Can be easily brushed off with a grin
When the room is filled with absence
Nothing to overshadow your mind
Your thoughts lead you to places
Mindlessly, to where the fight resides
The darkest hours, truly are
Call the strongest foes out
Attacking old scars just healed
Bringing your defences down
While the rest sleep in dreams
Your demons like to hide
Behind the facade of the dark
Where past dreams have died
They use darkness as deception
To camoflauge what you perceive
To portray as frightening as they want
For as long as you believe
You are breathless with fatigue
Lying in a puddle of your tears
For another fight was won that night
Another battle against your fears

In love at its simplicity
A love of stitches and bones
A pumpkin king and his queen
A love story so holiday known
Curiosity and intelligence
Risk taking and cautiousness
She sought for her independence
He was persistently adventurous
They were match made opposites
Though likewise they yearned for
Something meaningful outside their grasp
That couldn't be found within their norms
He sang to finish her song
She replied in harmony
A simple duet to simply express
Their love at its simplicity

My heart wants to go in many directions
Unable to choose a path to take
Endless possibilities and personas
Each piece of me wanting to separate
I want to master each craft
Yet be the jack of all trades
But how can I, when I am born
With mortal's time until decay
Each passion in me burns so bright
There is no obvious lit way
I am unable to choose which path to pursue
A confusing conflict that ensues each day
My heart wants to explore each one
But I am only born with one heart to play
Can anyone understand this yearning
And burdensome feeling I try to convey
How spoiled am I to be burden with choices
Picking one should be mere child's play
Yet when I do I'm still not satisfied
I want to do more to my dismay
If I could, I would break my heart
So each piece could have their way
To fulfill their inner purpose
To live how they were made

She explored worlds only known
To those who had patience and perseverance
A world without visuals yet gave sight
To those willing to create it
A world filled with diverse people
Who all shared the same voice
A world so loud in words
Without making a single noise
She had many worlds she could explore
Too many for her to decide
Each new world lined up on the shelf
Aligned with past adventures to remind

She was like a broken mirror
Anything beautiful, she would reflect
A reflection abnormally distorted
Her perspective could not connect
She could not see the sparkle
Of the sunset sprinkled on the waves
She couldn't share the happiness of others
Because her feelings weren't quite the same
People's smiles were always crooked
Compliments were always misheard
Acts of kindness were disappointments
Expressions of love were just words
She was tired of being broken
Constantly blinded to beauty
She gave up holding her pieces together
Loosening her grip more than slightly
Her broken pieces then fell apart
Into a pile of shattered looking glass
She laid there with her hollow frame
As she could finally rest at last
Her self destruction symbolized
Her innermost desire for rebirth
Her lack of knowing what was beauty
Did not take away her worth
She realize her vision's distortion
Only showcased her perception
Her definition of beauty
Was different beyond interpretation
She arranged her shattered pieces
In a way her beauty befits
On the ground where she laid
Was a beautiful mosaic

Why do we see the act of falling
Like it is such a burdensome thing
It can only get worse from here
As we fall back to our beginning
That when we fall, we fail
We are no longer soaring up
Though, falling is inevitable
There is also something to love
A shooting star that falls
Is a beautiful sight and rarity
A falling star where we lay our hopes
Behind closed eyes, in wishes and dreams

Thank you for listening
To my silence amongst the noise
My unsaid words reached your ears
My quiet voice was heard
Words said through my actions
Words felt with my touch
Thank you for accepting them
And for accepting me just as much
You lifted me up
So that others may hear
The story of my past
And the ocean of my tears
I can walk into the new year
So I bid you a final goodbye
I can go on my own now
All because you made me try

More understanding and acceptance
Be understanding and accept it
If all I do is understand and accept
What is there to be mad about
What is there to hate
If there is no reason to justify it
How can I indulge in these basic human emotions
When logic and reasoning
Command my heart
All this pent up rage
With no outlet to rid of it
I fear that someday
It will turn into animalistic madness
Because you didn't allow me to feel
As if I had to ask permission
To be upset yet every time I ask
Just understand and accept it
How high I've built my tolerance
It is impenetrable
How difficult it is to shake me
And how strenous it is
For my feelings to escape
Every barrier they break through
Each time, they deteriorate
Barely making it to the surface
Only decades old emotions
Are strong enough to make it through
Lifelong sadness and anger
That will take centuries to sooth

Why do we fear the dark
Because there is so much it hides
All your fears, unwanted thoughts
All the emotions you despise
Darkness is the endless unknown
You can never explore it all
Maybe that's why when we try
It's much easier to simply fall
Because what point is it to find
A direction in a dark place
No matter where you go
You'll still end up in a defiant space
Where darkness engulfs you
If you end up losing your light
You'll wander and wonder endlessly
Because you have yet lack the sight
Why is it in darkness
We see nothing yet we assume
That demons hide and try to find
Our weaknesses to consume
I wonder why we fear
The lack of, that is nothing
We put our own interpretations
And now we fear that something

Do you ever feel that urge
To let go of everything you are
All the good and all the bad
So you have no choice but to restart
To let go of the deep-set anchor
That binds you to the land
Unable to cast you off
No matter how much you demand
I want to float than to hold a course
I throw my trust into the waves
Hoping they would mould me
Into someone who couldn't be tamed
Recklessly and aimlessly
I dive into the sea of change
It's whirlpools and calm tides
Broke the mold of the girl who stayed
I don't want to fear the unknown
I want to face the depths instead
I don't want to be consumed by darkness
I want to conquer the adventure ahead

How easy it is for trees to let go
To let go of it all until bare
What is it like to shed the old
So naturally without a care?
To be covered with a cold blank slate
Teach me, how to let the old go
To make room for new colours
And cut off what I have outgrown
Do you regret every leaf that leaves you
And changes more over time
Or do you relish in the weightlessness
Because you are closer to your prime
Do you feel empty during the season
When the world lacks vibrant colours
Or do you see it as your time to reflect
To change yourself for the better
Do you reminisce when your world was full
Of different sounds, hues and beings
Or do you savour in the solitude
To prepare for your next beginning

I use to wonder
What was wrong with being single
When I had my time back to myself
I had space, solitude and freedom
But that's just it
That abrupt lack of another person
Too soon to settle
You're left with a void in your heart
A gap in your mind
Unknowingly, you make room for two
You are left with all this space
What do you fill it with?
Who is your last thought at night
Or your first thought when you rise
Or every spare moment in between
Who do you think about in the silence
Or who lives in your daydreams
As if you are a house
And he is the furniture
Then he moves out
You are still a house
Though you no longer feel at home

With you, I didn't cry much over
But with you, I felt the most pain
You didn't hurt me, at least not intentionally
Though it hurts more than I can explain
You fell in love and pursued her
I felt my heart break again
Because she fell for you too so it shattered
I was unable to restrain
No one knew of my feelings
I couldn't put them on display
I tried to give up by avoiding you
In hopes this love would go away
How many times I've failed
Because you kept enticing me to play
This friendly game between friends
When I know you wouldn't look my way
Your eyes made me weak
I had to look at them everyday
They reminded me why I fell for you
I felt a connection I couldn't contain
How we are when it's just us
I wondered if you felt the same
Your actions and words, I misinterpreted
But I know you are not to blame
No matter what, I have control
My heart is my responsibility to tame

I use to see home like a prison
A place that chained down my soul
Times have changed, I have progressed
Here, I realized I have the most control
I use to see my room as a place
Where I was trapped within 4 walls
But now it is a sanctuary, a refuge
A place where I'm almost free from it all
I wanted to get to know the world and its people
And I still haven't seen it all
Though now I see my home as somewhere
A place I can heal every time I fall