I don't allow myself to feel
The emotions I have for him
So my feelings for him stay
And continue to fester from within
The more I love
The more I deny
The more I see him
I continue to lie
Because the truth weighs so heavily
That it would burden us both
So I keep it all inside of me
Where he can never hold

It's hard for me to ask for advice
Because you don't live in my head
You can only advise from what you hear
To the extent of what I said
So how can I expect an answer
When you don't fully understand
The question that I'm asking you
Is more difficult to comprehend
I don't blame if you don't know
Because you really don't
Though I don't know either
To ask a second time, I won't

How often it is to fall in love
With someone who hurts you
It's easy to say, just leave them
It will hurt less I assure you
They say nice guys finish last
And girls fall for bad boys
What happens when you fall in love
With someone you couldn't avoid?
When friendship is what led you
To a love that runs too deep
Enough to confuse your heart
And give you the inability to sleep
When you fall for the nice guy
Don't misinterpret his words
He won't lie or mistreat you
And that is why it hurts
His kind actions will displease you
His kind words will give you hope
His kindness is what you love and hate
He makes it harder for you to cope
When he breaks your heart with hugs
When he stabs it with kind gestures
When you cannot leave or it will hurt him
And the last thing you want, is his discomfort
There comes a point when being with him
Is like a slow suffocating suicide
A reverse abusive relationship
One too difficult to leave behind

When you fall out of love for me
I hope to remain
A lingering presence
In the pages of your life
I hope to be reserved
As a chapter in your memories
Even if it is one
You'll always skim by
Or one you may never read again
I hope you'll reminisce
Your time with me
Even when you forget who I am
Because I'll never forget
How you held my hand each night
And took me wherever you went
When you fall out of love for me
And maybe find someone new
In the end, my heart is content
And I'll always be here for you

Her hair, the colour of the sky
When the sun says goodbye
That falls like sheer silk
And flows so easily
Like dandelion seeds
Her eyes, so round and curious
Filled with the absence of vice
That crinkle oh so shyly
How could she be so blind
I yearn to clean her mirrors
Her glasses and perception
How could she not see
How she keeps my attention
Her childlike qualities
That keep her youthfulness bright
Her smile, her laugh, her empathy
The way she falls sometimes
I fell for her, and still falling
The more I get to know her
The more I know, The more I love
And for that I couldn't be more sure

It's difficult to recover
Since you can't really
Take a break
Because if you do
It's a chance to suffer
Again, from this debilitating fate
It feels like an ultimatum
Do or die
Fall or fly
When I simply wish to be
Somewhere safe in the middle
When I am tired of fighting
Or I'm tired of flying
I just want to lie still and float
I want to be embraced by the cotton sky
Or lay on a bed of waves
That rocks me so slow, it soothes me
When I want to do nothing and just be
My emotional baggage
Has transformed into wings
Large enough to soar
But when I fall it weighs in excess
So I fall and savour the moment
When I can finally rest in peace

Late night hours
Tends to make me
More vulnerable
To negative feelings
As if my guards are asleep
My defences are down
And somehow the demons
Then try to come in
Why is it that late night thoughts
Are deeper with multiple layers
Preventing you from sleeping
So you can explore through it all
Is it because the world is quieter
Those thoughts can finally be heard
It is like a blessing and a curse
A temptation at its worse
Because you're exploring
Thoughts that might just hurt
Time feels slower
During late night hours
Time feels the same in darkness
I hear nothing but my thoughts
The ticking sound of the clock
And the sleeping sounds
Of everyone else but me

In this place of adventure and wonder
Because I'm always wondering
What's going to happen next
Where predictability and routine
Are as common as nonsense
I feel comfortable in the chaos
In this place, the sun never sets
The adventure never seems to end
I've always wanted a life like this
I never felt more like myself
I am like a puzzle piece
With the most jagged edges
That somehow fit here so perfectly

Friendship is a two way street
Where we meet in the middle
If you make me your whole world
We're no longer on the same level
Friendship isn't ownership
Especially when I didn't ask of you
You say you know what's best for me
I know what's best for me too
I asked for a friend not a follower
I am not your god, saint or idol
I asked for a friend not an owner
You are important to me but not my all
Friends forever doesn't mean
We're always together
Best friends doesn't mean
We are at our best
Only when we're together
I asked for equality
Not to be put onto a pedestal
I am not higher or below you
I just want to be your equal

Closure is like waiting
For him to close the door
Just so I can finally close mine
But I also have a door
That I can close yet I do not
Because I still look into his life
He doesn't close his door
So neither do I, the only difference is
He no longer looks into mine
I come to the realization
I can close my door
He isn't there to stop me
I don't have to wait anymore

The feeling when I relapse
As though I have to start over again
Right back to the beginning
When I was so much closer to the end
Depression is like fighting a demon
That regenerates every time
Sometimes it takes longer
I start to think everything is fine
As I get stronger, it also gets stronger
But then I fail to catch up
So then when it gets stronger
Whatever I do doesn't seem enough
The demon then consumes me
So I submit to gather my strength
Through tears and mental perseverance
I escape to battle it again

It's so odd how families end up
When there is money involved
The pain runs deeper than any debt
And is much harder to resolve
You realize family is just a word
And blood is just a vital fluid
It's not vital to keep them close to you
If in your family, you feel excluded
Because I grew up knowing family
With much associations of pain
If you asked what family meant to me
It feels like a ball and a chain
I can't help but think of family
As a social obligation
To stick with those who **** you dry
Playing on good intentions

Her heart was like a child
Viewing partners like parental figures
When they left, she couldn't help but think
That the problem was always her
Her heart clings to them like a child
She craves comfort and stability
So how do you convince a child
To simply let them go so willingly
Her heart became a homeless child
Unable to settle and find refuge
Because if she loved, she came to know
It would be another thing she'd have to lose
Her heart grew into an adult
Who became independent but alone
She no longer felt the need to love
It was too late to compensate or atone

You were like a wild fire
That I watched from a distance
Yet somehow you caught my heart
I wanted to be closer, in your presence
So trusting, I reached out my hand
In order to be embraced by you
Aggressively, painfully you took it
And naively I didn't have a clue
That my hand claimed to be unfit
You burned my skin around and through
Crazily I thought I would get used to it
Build up a tolerance that was tough and true
I was mesmerized by your puzzling beauty
How brightly you shined on your own
Throughout the day until the night
I never felt like I was alone
However my tolerance
Didn't seem to grow
Your flames started to consume me
Taking more as they go
You weren't satisfied with a piece of me
You wanted more than I could show
Oddly enough I relished in it
My crazy passionate joking beau

She had that passive presence
Like the ticking sound of a clock
Sometimes you might notice her
Most often at times you do not
Like a wallflower, she is
You notice her on the wall
But then you get use to her
And don't care if she's there at all
As if she is just forgettable
You can't help it if you forget
She is use to it, it's understandable
It still hurts her nonetheless

A day to myself
Is a day I can control
Not for anyone else
To have my life in their hold
No pressure or priorities
That stem from the outside
Less expectations or emotions
To heavily effect my insides
I gain the freedom to live
My day in mirrors
To reflect and perceive
In the presence of the other her
To spend quality time
With my looking glass self
A break from the hectic world
Needed space from everyone else

For so long I wanted to be water
An element that soothes and saves
For I was born of fire
Wild, destructive and difficult to tame

I tried to dull my flames
In order to gain some control
Though the spark deep inside me
Wanted freedom to console

The hatred I held inside
I couldn't accept my role
I wanted to be everything I wasn't
The ocean, the rain, the winter's cold

How can I run free
When all I'll ever do is destroy
The fire that burns in me
Is a passion I can no longer avoid

I finally embrace my element
As it is in my nature
I want to be free to be myself
I've never felt more sure

For so long I longed to be water
An element that subdues and relieves
But I was born of fire
With a warmth that burns so passionately

I am a candle that provides you light
I am the fire that warms you whole
I brighten your darkest night
I thaw the coldest hearts and souls

How odd when she cries
Her face doesn't move
Tears spilt from her eyes
They are the only proof
Of her feelings inside
How does she sooth
The sadness she hides
That distort her truth
How much has she cried
That she's no longer in tune
With her emotions, pushed aside
She had given up to pursue
When she's dying inside
There is no grimace to prove
On her face, in her eyes
Her smile holds no truth

I want to think
That my love had no chance
Or else I'll never stop wondering
I want to believe
You wouldn't ever fall for me
And we'd have nothing
But a pain filled ending
I want to see your eyes filled with her
Like I looked at yours so lovingly
So I can find nothing but pain in you
And find happiness elsewhere willingly

You were like a shade of blue
A unique shade I had first encountered
You were a refreshing, relaxing shade of blue
That later became my favourite colour
So the more I fell in love with you
I painted more of my world with that shade
I was surround by that one shade of you
Because you held that comfort that I craved
But then your shade of blue
Turned my world dark and navy
Like the restless waves at night
I couldn't see anything so they drowned me
I realized while stuck between currents
That you are just one shade
Out of a spectrum of colours
I will love another all the same

Why do tormented souls
Produce the most beautiful lines
As if intrinsically, in artistic manner
Is the only way to express their cries
Why do we call something beautiful
Though there is sadness behind
An art so accurately portrayed
With feelings too deep to find
I thought beauty was reserved
Only for positive things in mind
And yet we also tend to love
What was too painful to defined

She realized she was like a novel
Born in a world that didn't care to read
So she started to hate herself
Like a truth amongst lies perceived
She was like the hard truth
Based on a grimm story
Living amongst fake lies
Shallow and sweet with a happy ending
Surrounded by people
Who only read summaries
Who couldn't dive deep enough
To read her full story
So she waits for a person
With a long enough attention span
A fated reader, with depth similar to her
Who can read as much as she can

I love to create
To call something my own
As if something innate
That I've continued to grow
Based simply on my thoughts
And surrounding interpretations
Polished with my passion
And by my own expectations
As though I am a mother
That continues to birth
Child after another
Growing with each verse
My love continues to grow
With each poem that I write
I hope to never run out of words
To keep this passion alive

Curious, oh so curious
Like a new born canvas
Eyes with the blankest slate
Ready to be coloured in
Born with the adventurous thirst
Of finding the perfect medium
Wander and wonder, my child
Try different shades and textures
Learn to speak a thousand words
To build your own inner picture

Words I have longed to hear
Finally came to my ears
Yet my heart is no longer
In the same place
Nor same state, it has once been
Fate is cruel to position us
To yearn for one another
As if we were not born
In the same period of time
If I hadn't changed
Would you still love me the same
Or could you only have fallen
For the person I am now

Lived long, misunderstood
I search for understanding in excess
To compensate, what has come so late
To drive me out of my sadness
I appreciate those who listen
Those who seek to understand
I worried being unrelatable
Would distance me more from them
Because how can you love
Something you don't understand
How can you accept
Something less than human
Sometimes I don't understand myself
So I don't expect for you to try
Though I wish for someone to decipher me
Who knows me better than I

Love her like a novel
Read her to the end
Most only read a few pages
When there is more to comprehend

How can you say you know her
When you give up after chapter one
You don't know the whole story
Her story has just begun

Her words are so deep and different
Her story is a special edition
It is one of a kind, difficult to find
So read her with good intentions

Read her several times to understand
The first pages of her are intense
You'll find more reasons to love her
Between the lines that are too complex

She becomes your favourite book
She contains your favourite quotes
You fell in love with her character
Fated reader, a love story has been told

My mind feels okay right now
Like a field with a calming breeze
As I look at my depression now
Like it's a separate entity
As if I couldn't understand myself before
I look at it in disbelief
Just try harder even when you're tired
Look at what my mind can achieve
But I mustn't forget the hardships
When my relapses arise
Because I am actually fighting harder
On those days my mind wants to die
I must not take this peace for granted
For only now I have won the war
It is an internal eternal conflict
For life, my life, is worth fighting for

To my depression
Why do you associate death with freedom?
Because life tends to suffocate me
It doesn't have to be that way though
You can make life more lively
Then break my mental cages and chains
That weighs on my soul so heavily
I cannot, only you can
Why is that?
Because you have made the locks that burden you
So only you can make the key

I do not love him anymore
My feelings are nonexistent
My heart is no longer torn
Its stubbornness cease to exist
Whatever happened in the past
Let me leave it there
I am no longer sad
I no longer care
Two halves of my heart
Have again become one
Neither of them are yours
For my love for you is done
Keep the piece I've given you
If there is space in your heart
For I have no fragment left for you
And for that I can finally part

My feelings for you now
Is like the tide
It comes and it goes
Sometimes the sea is calm
And it doesn't come at all
Sometimes my emotions stir
Like a whirlpool in the sea
Or they become chaotic
Hitting me like a tsunami
My love for you now
Seems to come in waves
Like a gentle tide
That still rushes to you
With feelings not quite the same

I've tried finding love once
And it broke me
I've tried finding love again
And it broke me some more
So don't expect me
To find love to fix me
When I am broken
Only for it to leave again
And break me some more

When my heart cannot listen to reason
My mind thinks logically
It treats my heart as if it's a stranger
Not invested in its story
My mind comes to a consensus
Without my heart's consent
To finally get over you
Whatever its discontent

I keep giving away pieces of me
In hearts filled with someone else
As if giving away puzzle pieces
To puzzles already built

My depression's logic is distorted
Still enough to persuade me
I have no future, just my past
End it all, so it can spare me
It passes by all the compliments
No matter how many
Only emphasizes the bad
I shouldn't give in to the negativity
I try not to, thought it's hard to
It drains so much of my energy
When I'm trapped to my bed
Tortured with my past until I'm empty

I'm afraid to ask for the love
My parents couldn't give me
I was fed, bathe, sheltered
Emotional love was a luxury
I thought it was okay
Feelings weren't a priority
Until merely existing
Became a both already
If I asked more than minimum
It's a reason to leave me
So I keep all feelings inside
I'm afraid to be needy or clingy
I'm scared to ask for help
To people who aren't family
Even though blood relations
Couldn't keep them beside me
So now I try to reach out
But only when necessary
Because I still struggle to love
And allowing people to love me

The walls are built too high
Expecting me not to climb
But wherever the water flows
By instinct I go
To be with my own kind
Why is it I favour fish than people
And the sea more than the shore
Am I the only one who feels this way
For a moment, I want something more
The breeze in my hair is cold
Compared to the warmth from the sea
The waves feel more welcoming
Than the people who surround me
I take pieces of the sea home
And collect my hidden treasures
For if I could, I would
Live my life in my guilty pleasure
Because how can a home of many
Not be a home for me
Why live in fear and caution
Dear mother, when I could be happy?

Remind myself of my goals
My dreams, my wants and priorities
I want to be the girl I dream of
And see her become a reality
My weaknesses build my strengths
My past builds my future
Become the person I needed before
A place of understanding nurture
Be who I want to attract
Be my closest friends
Be an inspiration
This is not the end

Like a moth to a flame
I'm attracted to his light
Darkness surrounds me
As night continuously falls
It makes me gravitate to his light even more
Like a moth to a lantern
I persistently fly around it
Trying to find a way
Through the transparent walls
That separates me from him
I try to find a way in
I try fight my way in
I want to be closer to his light
I feel the warmth through the glass
But I cannot touch it
I yearn for him through the glass
But I cannot have him
An unseen wall between us
And I cannot break it

I told myself long time ago
I wouldn't wait for you anymore
Though here I am, still patient
Still in love, conflicted and torn
How many closures do I need
Until I am fully satisfied
Each ending feels uncompleted
Like our souls are still somewhat tied
I tell myself I've given up on you
Then I don't but I still try
Each time I say it, it feels closer
Progressing to our final goodbye
It's hard to distance myself
When our friendship has gotten so close
It is so hard to give up on you
Even if she is the one you chose
I thought it would be easier
Now that you are no longer alone
And yet, persistently I continue
To indulge in the love I had always hoped
I want to hug you back when you hug me
Still, I can't bring myself to cross the line
I love you, you're special to me
But overall, you were never mine

I find it very difficult
To differentiate some things
Is it me or just my depression
Do I want to get better
Or just be who I am
Do I smile for everyone
Because anything else
Is more unsettling
Because everything else
Requires some explaining
Am I getting better
Or am I just fitting in
Do I need help
Or just acceptance
Am I fighting it
Or am I denying it
I am confused
Because of this conflict
It feels too complicated
To simply comprehend
Do I even want answers
To these questions

I often find myself choosing
The option that pleases people
Even if it doesn't
I rather not have the conflict
Of choosing something different
But because of it
I see myself
Burdened with lines and cages
Boundaries and limitations
Filled with unwanted self expectations
To fit in so I'm not left out
To avoid having to explain myself
Why am I like this
Why do I like this
And then ask myself
Why do I still feel unwanted
I put myself in this box
Even though I didn't have to
Now I will tear this box
And build a fort or castle
Just because I want to

I find myself
Paranoid and uncertain
I fear that indulging in it
Would justify it being taken away from me
Like currency, I have to work for it
Constantly, to maintain it
Like a luxury, I am not use to it
I have learned to not be dependent
To not make others
My reasons for happinesss
Maybe, it wasn't meant for me
Or else, why would it leave?
To prove every flaw in my hopes
The unfamiliarity causes my body stress
I am use to the chaos of the waves
The stillness of land
Causes me more sickness
Abnormality is my sane
So it feels unsettling to rest
Like a child being held for the first time
After being separated for so long
You cannot simply expect
Them to feel safe
When all they ever felt
Was the absence of it

I never knew what true beauty was
Until I got to know her
Somehow she shines
Brighter than all my luxuries
While her voice
Sounds better than all the songs
I have heard before
They cannot compare to her beauty
Her purity and innocence
Her grace and intelligence
Her heart, full of kindness
How gently she caresses each page
Of a book she holds so dearly
How attentive she is
To all animals and objects
To dream that she would one day
Come to love me

Every time I hit rock bottom
There is no way but up from here
Until I realized there's an underneath
That held even more despair
Closer to hell, closer to the depths
Of the underworld that lies beneath
I have yet to explore this world
In the deepest trenches of me
How far will I fall
I am actually digging deeper
So hard that I have to crawl
I am my own keeper

Gradually, I am learning
I do not need a big dream
One giant life purpose
A central focus or theme
I can have a collection
Of many tiny dreams
A series of them
Each giving my life meaning
Simple small dreams
Only catered to me
Like painting in a field
Or playing guitar on the beach
Someday I want to write
Words that inspire others
Spilt on to pages
To give to one another
Words that can create homes
In people's minds and hearts
Full of emotion and inspiration
To always encourage a new start
If my tiny dreams keeps me going
One after the other
Just so I can keep on living
And not see it as such a bother
I like to paint and sing
Dance and read
I want to help others
And see myself succeed
I don't want the pressure
Of choosing just one thing
When there is so much I can do
To make life worth living

Tick tock goes the clock
Like the beating sound of your heart
With two hands I cannot hold
In a love I cannot take part
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment passes
How I wish time would stop
So I could have more chances
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment is gone
Will time ever side with me
Or do I simply move on

I can't change the way I was raised
But I can change what I believed
Though, it's like pulling away my skin
Because it was always a part of me
Shedding away the belief
That emotions are a burden
Don't tell them you feel this way
It's even worse when you're uncertain
Peeling away the belief
That people weren't meant to stay
If you depend on them more
They'll leave right away
Keep loved ones close
But only close to your walls
Don't let them see
What you've been through, at all
Peeling my skin like mutated armour
That slowly hardened and evolved
Only to expose my sensitive insides
That stings with each resolve

As life goes on
It often gets harder
I have to keep moving
Become better and stronger
Sometimes I fail to catch up
I feel exhausted from it all
I want to take a break
But I can't, so I crawl
Because what I'm tired of
Is living life itself
That if death were to come for me
I am reluctant to tell
I would welcome him with opening arms
And hug him until I fall
Asleep for all eternity
Finally free from it all

It's hard to move on
When the issues are still prevalent
It always takes me back to the time
When it was worse and I was innocent
It is hard to forget
The screams and the conflict
And it is hard to ignore
What was ongoing and constant
So when you tell me to forget it all
It's in the past, let's start over
As though you asked me while drunk
It is pointless if you aren't sober
It is hard to forget
The heaviness in my chest
That keeps me grounded
And my mind constantly restless
When you ask me to forget
But didn't ask me to forgive
Do you think it's erasing my regret
For the life I was deprived to live?