I realized I was definitely
Capable of loving more than one person
As I stood ****** in a bar
Positioned at a table between
My partner and my ex-fiance
My ex and I had gotten food beforehand
My first time seeing them in a year and a half
And I swore to everyone that it wasn't gay
I believed it too for awhile
Up until they said they didn't want kids
Which was part of my own logic used
To explain our incompatibility
Hearing their stories made my heart ache
All of the things I'd missed in their life
All the things they missed in mine
Then that night at the bar
When a performer was called on stage
My ex mentioned that she was my favorite
A small fact I didn't think they'd remember
Yet it carried such a significant feeling
That left my heart heavy and fractured
And when my partner looked at me I felt guilty
They must be able to see it
To sense it
These residual feelings
That I swore were not there and were
Definitely not gay
And while lost in my mind
My ex looked at me and asked if I was ok
They could still see me
I wanted to run away
My mind kept screaming for an escape
And yet I also heard a whispered voice
Reminding me that this time with them
Would be the last quality time I'd have
Before we returned to being strangers
So I shouldn't waste it
Because as much as I crave their friendship
I know in my heart it'd never work
Friends would never be the word
It's always been and
Probably always would be
Something much more than that
So I'll let it go
I'll let myself mourn these feelings
Despite the dreadful pain of it all
Because we all deserve to be happy
And by giving up this ill-fated dream
I know one day I can be

White, my hands of ice
Warmed by the chilled blade upon my palm.
A touch of red
Blurs pink.
No light,
Just white, and fade
The frozen air begins to warm
as the water drips from my soul
onto the bedroom floor.

My heart broke 700 times

I'm glad you found your closure
It feels like it opened a cavity in my chest
A billowing hole ******* the air
From out of my lungs and
Away from my brain
Away from the sanity I've created
Where I thought I felt secure
But instead the infrastructure was so weak
That the simple memories you mentioned
Left a mark on me yet again
As my heavy heart weighs me to my bed
And I wish so desperately to be alone
I feel as though I'm dying
I must accept reality as it is
I know that all too well
That's why I agreed to meet
To see you
To see me
To see us
Now
We're different than we once were
And while I understand how and why
My soul mourns the moment
And I know I should just live it fully
Because so soon it'll pass
And once again
We'll be strangers on the street
One heart armored with reinforced steel
The other a sloppy mess of
Broken shards and what ifs
Rotting until it turns to ash
And new flowers bloom from its death

2 weeks it's been
Immersed in this world of open love
Such a short time to spend
But my heart feels so liberated

No longer trapped by the confines of one
A sole opportunity to share, give and express my love
Now I can let my feelings come undone
Within the safety and boundaries of mutual respect

My lovers, almost three
Each offer a unique chance
To share this love and feel free
This love is a beautiful thing

I did not anticipate this formation
I did not set out a number of partners to seek
I entered this with no expectations
And it happened to grow this way on its own

I love each person uniquely
No mutual exclusion, no impact
Each love forms and runs deeply
Individually, yet always connected through love

Surrounded by green
The trees whisper their secrets
My heart is light and my mind is free
I stray from the gravel path
And find myself at a pond
The birds are chirping and the sun is shining
I think I forgot my sunscreen
It didn't matter though
In that moment I was alive
And one with the world around me
I breathe in the crisp air
It smells of leaves and the sea
As I watch the fish swimming
In the water beneath me

As the sun sets
and I turn to leave
I hear some footsteps
Catching up to me
And in my slow pace
I turn to see a young boy
His hair is matted
And he looks alone
Lost in the world as tears fill his eyes
I kneel down to speak to him
Ask him where his family is
He starts to cry as he speaks
Very few words but just enough for me

He claims no one loves him
That whenever he meets a new family
They get rid of him
Call him a burden
My heart hurts for this child
He can't be but 5
And yet here he is
The place of my peace
Seems to be his nightmare

I couldn't let myself leave
Knowing this little soul
Had no place to call home
I offer to give him a ride and a meal
While I call to speak to the authorities
His eyes brighten and tears threaten me
The sparkle of happiness is unexplainable
And my heart feels for him
So I lift him onto my shoulders
And we go home

No one knows anything about the child
His name appears nowhere and the police think I'm crazy
They come to check on him
But they can't see
How can you not see?
My mind is racing as I try to comprehend their words
They say I need some sleep
And maybe I'll feel better in the morning
I make a bed for him with blankets
And pillows from the couch
It's not much but it seems he's slept on worse
So he smiles and drifts off to sleep
I wonder what he dreams about

I wake up to a heavy heart
Tears choke my lungs
And I don't understand
Nothing has changed
It's just a new day
I head downstairs and the boy is gone
The pillows and blankets are tucked away
Exactly how they were the other day
Maybe I am going crazy

Days turn into weeks
And my heart still weighs on my chest
My muscles ache and now
I can no longer rest
I haven't left the house aside from work and school
I can't convince myself to do anything
But the weight on my shoulders
And my clouded mind
Beg for some relief
So I drive to the place that was my sanctuary
Until I met him

The grass has yellowed
And the trees have silenced
The sun burns into my skin again
But this time it hurts
I search for the pond but cannot find it
I walk for hours and still there's nothing
But a rustling in the brush peaks my curiosity
And as I break through the dying leaves
My foot sinks into a slurp of mud
A swamp lay before me
The water green and murky
I swear it can't be the same
Not the beautiful pond I witnessed the other day
I scan the water for the fish
Maybe that'd prove its different
But the same golden scales reflect back into my eyes
But there's something else
Something wrong
My reflection

I lean in closer to get a better view
A gasp escaping my lips in disbelief
Bags surround my eyes, which no longer sparkle in the light,
my hair flys in every direction
I see no life
I barely recognize it as myself
But that didn't disturb me so intensely
No, in those waters
The person that stared back at me
Was not alone
They supported something on their shoulders

As I look closer in disbelief
His eyes stare brightly back at me
But it appears we've switched
Because he has my glowing green eyes
And I have his
They're dark.
Empty.
His arms wrap snugly around my throat
And his knees dig into my ribs
He looks genuinely happy
And I swear I hear a whimsical laugh
Echoing off the water

And I realize all too late
That he was never really concrete
Only a concoction of my mind
A projection of part of me
A part so lost and alone
Playing the victim and
Begging for some attention.
And I opened my arms to him so easily

It's been years and he still haunts me
He weighs on my shoulders
Keeps me awake at night
Because if I sleep he's no longer the priority
While he drains my energy
I cannot imagine my life without him
He represents the deepest part of me
My damaged soul and empty heart
I chose to take on this responsibility
And my entire world has changed
The shadows haunt me on the brightest days
And the beauty i once saw
Takes a new form
as the dead inside of me.
Yet he listens when no one else can
He understand my fears and pain
As burdensome as it is to support him
I know, with him, I am never alone.

His name is Depression
*And now he'll never leave.

Under the pillow, sleeping, dreaming of its certain fate,
My demons scream, they're drinking my sanity away from me. I need an escape.
The oasis of that reflective body, forcing me to witness who I'll never be. Giving me the images of everyone I have deceived and turned my back on.
But what catharsis
to finally release these pictures taunting me, as I dive through them into the deep.
So I can drown in this pain I can't control
Or tread through the water back to my sanctuary.

You cannot exactly describe a person's laugh
to those unfortunate enough to miss it, but
when she smiles
and her eyes brighten up, rippling sapphire,
nothing else exists.
The sweet, tuneful melody escaping her lips draws
a smile onto my face, no matter what my mood.
I feel her body shake beside me, and I watch her perfect smile,
outlined with natural temptation.

While perfection may never exist,
love lies within this girl, and
to me, that love is perfect.
Her eyes reflect a better me, and in her
heartbeat, I feel a piece of myself
as we become one in each other's
arms. That embrace that always
leads the way back
to sanity and incomprehensible peace.

Do I want to kiss you
Because I actually like you
Or I just feel out of control?
I tend to be self-destructive
When nothing in life is going well
And I don't want to drag you into this
I brought up never having drunk kissed someone
Our friend said we should do it
And the idea just stuck in my head
I didn't think it'd be a reciprocated feeling
Because I can't imagine you thinking of me that way
But drunk me decided to offer
Just to let you know I was thinking it
You said you were surprised
I'm not sure why but that's ok
You also said you might accept the offer
But it depends
On what I'm not sure
I just hope it's not awkward at work tomorrow

Spiraling
Thoughts.
They move through my head so
Fast
Its hard to keep up
But then a thought
Flying through the web of my mind
Gets caught
And sticks.
Unwavering.

...

"Did I turn off the stove?"
If I didn't
Fire
If fire
Dead pets
If dead pets
Dead me
If dead me
Pain to those I love.

...

The thoughts hit a wall.
There is a moment of pause.
"Everything is ok, I always turn off the stove."

....

Exhale.
Breathe.
Peace.

...

"But what if I didn't?"
It is back again
Clinging like a sticky-hand.
Fire.
Death.
Pain.
Until I notice
I'm doing it again.
Over
And over
And over again.

Together we swim,
Skin touching satin skin
Fingertips grazing knees and thighs
As my engine of a heart enters overdrive with glee
Her breath keeps me alive against the strain of our instincts

My breath catches and my body contorts
Until I am suddenly entangled with a hooded figure instead
His heavy limbs pin me against the wall and his hands greedily search through my home
I realize I am being robbed but
He's not a stranger

His lips warm my neck and I choke on his telltale cologne as his hands hastily break through the deepest closets that house my innocence, my treasures, and no matter how sternly I refuse, he shoves through the doors until he finds exactly what he wants

I thought it was hidden

I thought it was safe

I thought it was mine

He smiles and lavishly thrusts his hands into my special box
Thanking me,
Between heavy breaths,
for giving him access to my prized possession,
To my heart

But
when he asked for a taste
I refused. But
He insisted and
Kept pushing
Pushing
And pushing against the wooden door until it splintered and snapped and he could enter with
Or without
My permission

Once inside, I had no choice
but to let him manhandle my possessions,
I can never again close that door that He broke
To fulfill his needs and
To satisfy his craving

Although he leaves with satisfaction dripping from his palms
I know it won't last forever
His hunger will return again,
Stronger.

And no matter how much I invest in new locks
and thicker blockades around my special space
He has already stolen a taste of the core of my emotions that
That door served to protect

He will return again,
with a sense of entitlement to my insides
And I won't fight back

Because his sweaty palms and greasy skin have already leaked onto the pieces
Even those he had not yet touched
My pure and personal secret now leaves nothing but bitterness on my tongue and stains on my body

And now,
I still feel his hands, not hers
I hear his breathing

Feel his weight pressing against me,
His hands destroying my body

I become hysterical and
Tears burn my eyes and stain our sheets.

I see the panic in her eyes

She doesn't know

She doesn't know I'm ***** and broken

She doesn't know why

And I can't
stop
crying

She's scared.

I would be too

But I'm dead inside.

I sit in front of the tv
Brainwashed into thinking
That this monotonous existence
Constitutes living
I feel my mind screaming
For something more engaging
Instead of the useless stuff
Seeping from my screen
Sometimes the only breaks I take
Are just me looking from that screen
To another smaller version in my hand
I feel exhausted emotionally
Unable to engage in many things
But I refuse to give these screens
This kind of power over me
I am a human being
Not a lifeless creature
I need to find something better
To break this habit that's killing my creativity
It's killing my energy
My motivation
My attention span
And I will not have it
Not anymore
I will find something more satisfying
More promising in engagement

And then I wonder
Is this what it was like
When books were first written?
Or is this unique to electronic media?

Call me by my name while I fight this hold of shame.
It's a wave that crashes over, way above my head and shoulders.
Keep hinting at how you feel, still your poor heart I won't steal.
Couldn't bring myself to destroy, one of such a sweet boy.
Don't throw your life away, cause I'm not here to stay.
Don't think I'm yours to miss, it was simply just a kiss.
I warned you of my demon, you heard every possible reason.
Yet you still pursued, and now you feel used.
When really I did it all for you, for I never wanted to.

Ever wonder what someone's sadness feels like?
Ever really see that there's a huge difference between theirs and your own?
What you understand as depression, may only be a blue day for another.
I suppose that's why we can't relate to all poetry,
Or truly understand much of it,
To its cold point.

How can we be predispositioned in good,
While surrounded by so much evil?
Call it human nature;
No such thing as corruption,
Instead it's all about purification.
Daily struggles, testing our patience and ability to remain on a steady path.
Each successful decision resulting in a step closer to personal sublimation.

So what if dreams are reality,
And reality is just the dream?
Who's to say life is what it seems,
And that dreams are only mental representations of our inner desires?
Life's a withdrawal and dreams are the drugs that stop it,
Yet equally prolong it.
Then you wake up again.

Cold Coca Cola at midnight,
Steaming showers and dripping floors,
Meeting her lips in the morning,
And holding her close like I adore.
Surviving without judgement,
And talking without censors,
Absorbing every moment,
Knowing it may not last forever.

Never is it flawless:
Sometimes mistakes call to fights,
But with patience and understanding,
Broken words can mend by night;
Kissing away the burning tears,
And sacrificing time to stay,
Hugging through the creeping fears,
But knowing tomorrow brings a new day.

And never before
Would I have allowed someone this close,
And I know in my heart,
I never want to let this girl go.

Recently
The person I am now dating
Has come to terms with
His own trans identity
When we met he looked like a girl
But I could sense something within him
Something that resonated with
My own confusing feelings of gender
I asked him if he was trans
And at that point
He used the term nonbinary
I felt really excited about this
Finally there was someone like me
Who definitely was not a woman
But never felt like a man either
It was actually just a space in his journey
And he eventually came out to me again
It's my first time having a boyfriend
Since coming to terms with my queerness
And I love him deeply
But it has not been easy
Mostly because of the fact that
His transition has led me
To come face-to-face with
My own repressed identity
I have to address and recognize
All of my internalized transphobia
Most of which is aimed at the mirror
Fueled by years of denying myself
While I am definitely not a woman
And have never felt like a man
A lot of the time I feel like a boy
And hope that I will pass as such
I am finally ready to really listen to me
And the needs of my identity
To resume my rightful path
On the road to being myself again

I'm not the best at listening
I'm even worse at talking
Even texting is impossible these days
But poetry comes from my soul
What I fail to express regularly
Flows so easily through this medium
If you feel the same then maybe that's why we do this
It feels like a game
And maybe it appeals to the kids within us
A serious, lighthearted way to communicate
That also pushes us to write more
We were always good at testing each other

As for the memory of pancakes
I remember it a bit differently
You were trying to hold back tears
And I remained passive and cold
It's not a thought I enjoy revisiting
That entire weekend was a challenge
We pushed each other to the edge
Waiting to see who'd fall first
Clearly it was me

I was wrong in so many ways
I know that better than anyone
And maybe I should've waited
I shouldn't have left so long
But I wasn't in bed with another
I was trying to sober up enough to get home safely
Sure it was a bit excessive in time
And I'm sorry I made you wait so long
But I was a drunk mess and I couldn't get home that way

I didn't mean to take advantage of you
I didn't mean to hurt you
Obviously, I did
And still do I'm sure
But those were never my intentions
I do care for you
It's all very complicated and stressful
I wish I could make it easier for us both
But I don't haven't figured out how yet

The moments when I need you the most,
Are the ones that you never see.
The tears are silent as I tell you I'm alright,
My mind hushes the words that my heart desires to speak.

The sinister silence is my only companion,
No one is there to comfort me.
Alone in the dark, no peace in my empty world,
Salvation is the one I truly seek.

I stand as though I am strong,
The pain carefully hidden behind a mask.
You saw only what I allowed,
Then taken aback when the truth was spoken.

I laid myself open to you,
An unforeseen and immensely challenging task.
You took it for nothing and left me torn,
Now no knowledge remains of my emotions.

To hold on is painful and dangerous,
But to let go means going back on my word.
To stick by my promise, and stick by your side,
Will surely end with my broken heart.

Yet still I stay, I will give you all I have,
Until our hope becomes deterred.
I care enough to let it go,
As my heart is quietly ripped apart.

Judging eyes, pair after pair.
Nothing can compare
And I know it's not fair
But you just need to bare
With me
For a moment
For a minute
I beg you to let me show you what it's like to live
Please, all I ask is for you to give
Let my hand guide you in the night
I swear it'll be alright
Because it's not the end, its a fight
Feel the wind as it bites
Cold against your broken dreams
But what you see is only an illusion
Life is wondrous
Life is great
Let me show you the way
I'll make it okay
And at the end of the day
If you still feel astray
I'll be gone
I'll leave you in your hands
Let you do what you had planned
But first I need a chance.
To show you how to trust
How to love
How to fight
I need the chance
The chance to save your life.

Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
Who knew words could burn so deep.
Alone in the night, emotions on the edge.
Do you feel it too? The emptiness where you belong, at my side.
I fear the answer; for I know it well enough.
For you it isn't me, it's her. The one you see, the one you touch.
But I'd do anything to see you smile. It's the reason I say I'm still around.
They ask me who I'm trying to convince, because they see my true desire.
I want you to want me. Except not the way you do.
Because the me that you see isn't who I am.
I'm a lost soul in this crazy world. Denying the desires, just to stay strong.
Because I feel that it's wrong. But only because I know it's unequal.
I say it's okay; biggest lie I could speak.
But admitting my true emotions is weak in my eyes.
Because vulnerability isn't strength; only an open wound awaiting the salt.
She knows it too, or maybe she doesn't.
Either way nothing will change.
So I'll push through it and keep displaying a straight face.
As long as she's happy, my emotions are as they stand. Untouched and unspoken.

A small child
Only 6 or so,
Runs inside from a long day's play.
So young and full of energy.
Shouldn't have a care in the world,
Except for the specks of mud on the floor,
Left by his own foot.
His father, a large and logical man,
Raised the boy right;
Manners and all in tact.
Yet when he walks into the kitchen,
While the boy is at the kitchen sink, washing his little hands,
He sees the mud.
And the boy sees him,
Smiles up at him with his missing-tooth smile,
But the dad doesn't see;
He only sees mud.
He storms over in two strides,
Grabs the boy by the collar and drags him to the spot on the floor.
The boys heart is racing,
A mile a minute.
Never seen his father so terrifying,
So horrifying;
Until a moment later.
As his grip released him, he fell to the floor.
He wasn't hurt then,
But he would be,
As his father's fists raised and fell upon his small body.
Impossible not to feel the bruises already beginning to form below his immature skin.
"Stop it! Why would you do that?" My mind screams at the man not worthy of being even called a father,
and for the boy as he crawls away into the next room and collapses at the foot of the stairs in tears.
"How could you do that to him?! He doesn't understand! He's just a little kid! He doesn't understand.."
My heart and mind scream together,
lined with hatred, through sobs of tears.
And then I see his future:
Self hatred.
Yeah he'll go far in school, he's a smart kid, but his emotional damage is irreversible.
Quiet because he forgot how to talk,
Never smiling because he knows what people are capable of.
He sees the world in a negative light, but it's his reality.
No trust, no love,
Just alone with his thoughts.
And that's when he's finally safe.

Not sure if you changed your number
Or ignored my texts
But you need to hear this
Remember that **** that happened my senior year?
When you decided that you'd stay alive if I stayed physically involved with you?
And continued to touch me even though I said no?
You better not have forgotten
Because I sure haven't
That is called coercion
Not only is it ****** assault
It is ****
Which makes you a ******
You made me feel so bad for stopping
For no longer letting you use me
That was victim blaming
You placed your supposed 'love' for me
Over my literal existence as a human being
You justified ****** me
By saying you loved me
And that doing it would keep you
From killing yourself
But you didn't realize how much
You were killing me
Just because you love someone
Does not mean they owe you anything
Whether they like you back
Or not
Whether they've hurt you
Or not
You do NOT get to assault people
Just because you think you deserve it
I'm not as mad as I used to be
And I'm only writing this
Because you need to hear it
You need to know you're a ******
So you don't do it ever again

I can't change what you did to me
But you can make sure it NEVER happens again

My body sinks smoothly
Into the curves of your mattress
As I wait for you to crawl in beside me
Among the clouds we shift repeatedly
Apparently soft beds don’t promote cuddling

Netflix plays in the background
Some standup comedy for background noise
But we are not here to chill

The lining of your bra creeps from beneath your crop top
Black lace against your pale skin
And my fingertips can’t help but graze the intricate designs
And trace the edges along your soft skin

While I always think you’re ****
I am not trying to ****** you
I simply cannot get over
How someone can be so perfect
And how so many ****** humans
Could look at you
and touch you
Hear you
and connect with you
Yet somehow couldn’t love you.

But I’m also glad they didn’t
Because I could do this forever.

I cannot sleep
Or at least I choose not to
Until the sun breaks the horizon
I wake up to a typical ringtone
But sometimes my heart hurts
Like it used to when I smoked
And after 12 hours of rest
I can still barely open my eyes
I cannot convince myself that
There's a real reason to wake up
I am so alone aside from my love
That any social interaction crashes over my body with
guilt and embarrassment that have no purpose
I swallow a few conversations but they hurt
I miss the friends I used to have but I know
We changed so much it could never be the same

And through recent interaction
I realize how much I miss my community
Surrounding myself with those who understand
My fears
My pain
My experiences
Without me having to explain it
Validating my emotions and
Reminding me that I am allowed to feel the way I do
Simply because I do

Friends ain't **** but hell waiting to happen. And even tho you're gone, I'm doing just fine
You were like a chain wrapped around my throat
Tying me back to the places I hate most
And now that we're done
My mind can finally rest
No more kissing ***
I'm taking my life back

It seems so long ago
We were nothing but close
We never had a fight,
Cause we both hated our life
And now that I'm trapped between my dark and her light
You think I'm not good enough to keep in your life

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

But the time has come for us to say goodbye
You'll still be in my heart, if you're not by my side
6 years later
What have we become
Desensitized to life
Cause we're so ******* numb
From trying to escape
The same hell we came from

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

So now he's got your back
Yeah you're doing just fine
But you cannot forget all the pain left behind
I know your secrets
I understand your past
I can tolerate your anger
And I saved your **** life
Well I guess you saved mine
A million times too
And I never would have guessed
I wouldn't be lost without you

But I'm dead, I'm ******* dead
I owed you my life but you gave it right back
and now that you left,
I'll just take it myself
Ending this fight
with my own ******* hand

****!
*******
(I'm so sorry)
**** me
(I didn't want this to end)
*******
But you don't even care
So I'm better off dead

When I fell in love for the first time
She became my world
But more than that she become a part of me
She was my lungs
She kept me breathing
And cut my air supply as she pleased
And when we broke up I couldn't breathe

I gasped for air on my own for the first time in forever
But nothing came
Clawing at my chest as the pain grew stronger
Begging for air to return
But she was gone
and I felt suffocated for years

Slowly I learned to breathe on my own again
Forcing the air into my body
Often against the wishes of my newly independent *****

When my new love came along
I still struggled at times but I knew I could never trust another with that kind of power ever again
So when it feels as though I do not love her as much as the first
I have to remind myself that although she helps me breathe easy
I've never let myself rely on her so severely as my first
I could never make that mistake again
Because I know that losing a part of me again
Will take all the strength I have left
And none will remain to live

When I haven't wanted to **** myself in a while
And then suddenly the feeling returns
It's like I cannot breath
And
I cannot see
All that is here is me
and death
Death and me

The cruelty of the world overrides my mind
How can people spread so much hate
And the fear that nothing gets better in time
Makes me want to pull the plug
Or take those pills and chug
A bottle of liquor until I'm blue
And I feel nothing
See nothing
Am
Nothing.

When my mind enters this state
Do not tell me to calm down
Do not give me your "good-intentioned" advice
Because your solutions don't work on the severely depressed
Severely fake I guess
Since most won't acknowledge its destructive force
And refuse to believe it's a disease

Because, y'know, it's all in my head.
Don't you know I just want attention?
Because, of course, I don't totally want to **** myself sometimes.
See, I just take the medication I didn't believe in for fun
Because if I just smile and look on the bright side
Everything will be fine right?

No.
*******.
In this cycle
If I forget my medication
even just one day
One.
*******.
Day.
I have to fight myself to survive the next
Because the medication actually works this time
Because my depression is a medical condition
Not just some silly game you try to play it off as.

Id wish you to walk in my shoes for a day
But I couldn't wish that on anyone
Because on those days
Like today
I can't eat
Too much sleep would never be enough
And death sings out
A beautiful song to me
Begging me to come home
And
One day
I might listen.
And then you'll pretend to care
As if you really know me
But you don't, it's a game,
so don't bother
With your ******* shame

I am constantly checking myself
When problematic thoughts enter my mind
Or negative feelings originate in
The messed up ways I've been socialized to think

I do not wish to own anyone or anything
Yet sometimes possessive thoughts plague me
I must remind myself that we are all only humans
Trying to find our best route to happiness

This one article stated that
The hardest part of polyam relationships
Lies in the negotiation between
Your and your partners' needs

So I must always remain on guard
Because the jealousy and sadness coming from within
Was bred by the broken systems we grew up in
And redefining those is a part of my resistance

Monogamy stems from the patriarchy
And sexism lies within that
Possessiveness and jealousy are not cute
They only lead to blaming others for your own inconsistencies

And I am a mess of inconsistencies

The roar of the wheels upon solid concrete.
Suppressed by the music blaring in my ears.
Vibrations running through the wood and to my feet.
This feeling is unreal.

There's no time for thinking.
The music muting all thoughts.
Eyes staring, quickly blinking
Into the night, on the road ahead.

No destination in mind
Nowhere specific to go
Never looking behind
Only moving forward, deeper into the dark.

For a moment it is quiet
An intersection and a choice
Within my mind, a slowly building riot.
As I debate between left and right.

I give up on the decision.
Now only feeling my way
My heart leads my fate
And I continue out into the night.

You left me with scars
Deeper than those I’ve given myself
With only your gritty hands.

You took a beautiful act
And stained it with grease
Ruining it for any future lover.

Yet, you used my experience with others
To justify your actions
Because you “love me so much more.”

You abused me like a child;
Expecting loyalty
And punishing me regardless.

But you “loved” me;
You manipulated me
Into thinking it was my fault.

If I stopped letting you explore
The body you felt entitled to
You threatened suicide.

I was poisoned into believing
That you actually cared for me
When you were breaking me slowly every day.

We were best friends
Until my mind caved in on itself
And my body was too broken to love.

I chose my life over yours.
You’re suicide instead of my repeated ****.
Yet you’re still breathing.

Parts of me died every time you touched me
And when I felt incapable of continuing
You offered money in return.

Considering my financial situation
You knew I couldn’t say no
So I sold you my body.

Emotionless you left me
Stealing breath from my lungs
And life from my veins.

I gave up
Once paid, I left you
But I’d see you anyways.

On the bus.
In the halls.
That day of the final payment.

An envelope full of money
Left me feeling even more empty
Realizing what I lost for it.

With it you left a note
And your prized possession
The indicators of your impending death.

You said you were sorry.
You said you loved me.
You lied.

While I’m happy you never took your life
I’m dead inside still
Because of you.

You took ownership of my body
Without my permission
And you left it broken and incomplete.

Those pieces of me you stole
I will NEVER get back
And you don’t even know you’re a ******.

There is no true definition
For what we strive to be
For what we want people to see
And what we never feel.
Being strong is not a choice
It's a state of being
It's beyond seeing
And it stands high.

True strength is forced upon you
When you can't take it anymore
And life keeps handing you more
But you don't have the choice to fall.

It becomes a habit
Turns into who you are
No way to sway too far
Near the way you used to be.
No longer caring
You become cold
Now being bold
In the very worst of ways.

Because as I hide behind my pain
I push everyone away
And face each and every day
With a mindset of fighting alone.
My friends don't see it
The struggle and pain
With their stares of vain
Not breaking my barriers.

I know it's gone too far
"Strength" taking over my fear
I watch my friends disappear
And still don't let them see my pain.
But the words haunt me deep
"You wanna shut yourself in go ahead"
I feel him giving up on me
"I'm trying to help you"
"I'm sorry"

My hand hesitates above the button
"Unblock"
Just millimeters away from my fingertips
Pieces of your life could appear in seconds
With just a little pressure
Yes, I know last time this hurt me
But maybe this time will be different
What's one more time
Just one more visit to your page
Gently the button clicks and your name disappears
I search it and easily find your page
A lot has happened since I last checked
And it's funny because
Even though I'm reading them
The poems themselves tell me nothing
Like mine, theres no way to know
Who it is you are speaking of
Though every so often
I read one that hits me in the gut
It makes my heart hurt and my stomach curl
Because I'm almost sure that
The person you're writing of is me
And you are still hurting
You're still angry at me
I want to like the poem
I want to open a door for you to see
So maybe I can help give you closure
I'm itching for you to talk to me
And as my finger
Renters a state of hovering
Over yet another virtual button
I realize that it wouldn't help you
I'd only be hurting you further
And I don't want to do that to you
I realize that my missing our friendship
Is solely a desire of mine
And it would be cruel
To drop in on your life again
I'm sorry for what I did
And I'm sorry I'm struggling so much
To let that piece of us go
But your feelings about me are clear
So even though it hurts to read
Just how much I destroyed you
I think it's just what I needed
To stop getting my hopes up
And to stop pressing your buttons

The vocals scream into my ears, you'd think my thoughts would bend in rage.
Instead a sudden peace crosses over, engulfing me wholly in a blanket of relief.
The lyrics take me to a place of calm. No chaos in the world I now reside.
It's as though everything reaches a halt. All feelings are vaporized.
The music slowly pulls them away with the wind. And I'm left with relief.
Then the music quiets, the song is now ending. And the feelings return to a solid form
They fall back into my head, crushing everything in their path.
Until the beat starts again,
And the process begins once more.

Out among the trees
The only place I feel like me
No pressure to please
Nothing pushing conformity
The rocks and the soil
Allow me to pass by kindly
The trees and their leaves
None of them judge me
I lay my palms to their bark and
I feel all of their energies
Together they collide with mine
They share this life with me
I respect the power in nature
And I don't wish to control it
So alone I roam through the forest
But I am never lonely
And whenever I'm feeling lost
I know I'm never too far away
I can go get lost in the green
To find myself again

Red is blood and found in fire
but it's also passion
a burning desire.
See Red isn't always so bad:
those flowers in the light
reminding of better days we've had.
Petals may begin to fall
with time and wear,
but this happens to us all.
Time also brings forth a spring
the rain clearing and cleansing,
repairing everything.
I know things seem crazy and queer,
but I promise your spring will come,
and through it all I'm always here.
You're afraid of what's real,
and trying to cope as best you can,
believe me, I understand how you feel
Employing thorns as your defense,
you damage your mind fighting for control
as you force everyone to keep their distance.
Just promise not to push me away
when you throw everyone out;
let me be the one to help you stay.

Life is lonely when you learn to deal on your own.
A simple task becomes a challenge and a minute turns into an eternity.
When the world turns its nose, when there isn’t a friend to lean on;
When it becomes impossible to even pick up the phone.
Everything loses its potential in a fog of pain
The concept of trust holds no existence
Life becomes nothing and determination ceases.
Then control is lost over all the emotions contained.

Coral leaflets sway through my attention, singing with the wind's path. Lemon accents separate as sting rays of warmth and light swim toward the earth. 88 degrees tickle my skin as small beads begin to perch upon my brow, patiently, until they join the body of crisp bits between myself and the trees around. Or it may simply evaporate into the embrace of Autumn.
Above, black veins creep through the lemon and coral maze, snuggly holding onto their nestlings, ready at any moment to let them fly.

They say blood is thicker than water
And though that may be true in physicality
The sentiment is bull
I'm supposed to forgive someone
For not protecting me when they should have
Just because we share the same DNA?
Why should someone have the power
To emotionally abuse and manipulate me
Just because we're related?
Why can't I have the power to walk away
And even when I have that autonomy
Why does society judge me for my decision?
Where is my say?
They say you can't choose your family
You can't choose where you're born into
But I also didn't choose to be born at all
So why does the extreme chance that I
Just happened to be born into this family
Have to secure me for life in an unhealthy situation?
I do have another family
And we do not share blood
We love each other and
Respect one other
We don't abuse and neglect or ignore each other's needs
We're there and
We care.
So why would I sit here and take this crap
From someone who's supposedly family
When I have so many more people
That actually care
And don't need to manipulate me
To satisfy their own needs

Bring me to life
Let in the light
Free my tormented soul
As I wait,
Alone with this empty horizon.

Slowly, but surely
Loneliness fades as the mountains rise up to meet me
Billowing above
Silhouetted across the sky
Stoic and unmoving
Their life runs so deeply across the earth
Without the posions of fear and hate
To disrupt their simplicity
And their complexity
They are pure existence
And this moment is everything
So I join them.

Air coats my throat and fills my lungs
Allowing the vibration of energy
Radiating from all that surrounds me
To dance across my skin
Through my body and
Into my bloodstream

I am by myself on this road
But I cannot feel lonely
Every inch of nature that surrounds me
Has invited me into their energy
Into their space and sense of freedom
Pure acceptance
No judgement
From the wisps of white dancing through blue shades of infinity
To the neverending marathon of greenery, fields and shrubs jog to the edge of forever
I cannot be alone
As my heartbeat joins the rhythm of the universe

The pills taunt me from beside my bed
as I lay here, tortured within by each
painful heartbeat burning within my
chest and weighting my back to the lumped brick
of springs and polyester fiber.
Those blue beauties sleeping silently in their
sun fire home, why can't I sleep too?

One, two, five, ten, my throat counts
my way to freedom
Ironic, how we all have different definitions of
salvation. I adopted these babies to
"save myself," so the doctors think

Tonight it's Judgement Day.

Content, clarity, no calling home
Surrounded snugly in sunshine’s roam
What naturally burns is saving
Cleansing the soul in its raving
Yet somber shadows induce chills of night
And the sun regresses in imperative flight
The moon brings forth its calming glow
So soon It’s realized she’s all alone
The gnawing proceeds from deep in her mind
Progressing forward without a bind.

Dropping, drifting, dying leaves
Just like their path her thoughts shall weave
To and fro between a mood
Sweet and caring turned suddenly rude
Cold winds lead to a chilling sight
Everything’s changed but It says all is right
Soon the world blends together as one
No longer touched by the warmth of the sun
Temperatures drop and so does her head
Leaden with sorrow as she makes for her bed.

Empty, endlessly enduring days
Isolation extends but it’s deemed okay
Dreams die, concealed by snow
She wants to leave but cannot go
Icy winds blowing cold as her heart
Frozen solid and wishing to part
Getting used to the pain
With no hope to gain
Too weak to worry with no emotions felt
She’s forced to awaken as the world starts to melt.

Free and flowering fields now bring
Hope to the girl who could not sing
Coming from the showering rain
The healing waters break through the pain
Finally she’s found the truest way
To stop and force her problems away
Soon enough she’s rediscovered her smile
And returns to the friends she hasn’t seen in a while
Oh but It’s smart, much smarter than we
So smart that nobody could ever have seen

Greatly, gladly going home
Swimming deep in water’s foam
A calm, warm night has come to cease
Their world is frantic while hers sees peace
Searching hard for a missing girl
Reaching the river, their stomachs curl
Soaking, dripping, they find what’s wrong
Realizing now how long she’s been gone
Eroding sadness, consumed by pain
Now they can feel what she did every day.

I'm sitting there reading your letter
And crying because
I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know
Take a hit.
I didn't know I was so bad
Take a hit.
I didn't know I hurt you so much before
Kiss her kiss her kiss her
The voices whisper
But I don't want to
And I feel like the voices are just my thoughts
That I transform into other sounds
To avoid my own responsibility
Take a hit.
I didn't know how heartless I was
I thought I did my best to make you happy
But you cried yourself to sleep
I didn't know I didn't know
You begged for my attention
I didn't know
Take a hit.
I want to blow my brains out
Because my chest is so empty
I feel my decaying heart turning to stone
Take a hit take a hit
I didn't know
I didn't..
Kiss her
I'm fine.

17 years today but it feels like forever more
Yet equally forever less.
Only 30 minutes in and I wish it was over.
Trying to fight tears because I don't deserve what I'm given.
$100 and a guitar may not sound like much to you,
But it means a lot more to me.
And I don't deserve it.
Why should we celebrate,
When those who do so are treated badly half the time?
It's a blessing, not a given right, to continue to age up.
A time for self reflection, not celebration with those who don't give a care the rest of the year.
No need to make a big deal,
It's just another day of the week.
And I'd rather be saying 'I'm sorry' to those who matter
Instead of 'thank you for the birthday wishes' to those who don't.

Dear Kailey,

This needs to be my last letter to you
And I don't even want you to read it
This is just for me and my own health
For so long I let other people
Dictate what was right and wrong
Especially with my own opinions and thoughts
Because I didn't trust my perspective
And I should not have permitted that
From you or from anyone
Ironically
The time that drives me mad
Occurred in one of our last conversations
Where I acknowledged the fact that
I might have still had feelings for you
But I didn't want anything like that from you
I just wanted to be open and honest
Yet you took it as me being cocky
And tried to take a jab at me
"I like how you assume I'd want to get back with you"
Which would've been an honest misunderstanding
If just two weeks earlier
You hadn't been trying to **** me
And then cover that with claims that
You still had feelings for me
And because I didn't trust myself
And because you assumed I was being shady
I must have been right?
So I created many different reasonings
That fit both my actions and your perception
But, here's the only truth
I did not want anything from you
We had talked about being friends
Ethically I wanted to explain myself
I wouldn't want to start a friendship
If you didn't know what I was feeling
But you believed what you wanted
Then decided to ghost me from there

Little did you know
I had immediately deleted your number
So about a month later
When you texted me out of nowhere
I only knew it was you because
After all the years I know half of your number
But it's not like you wanted to talk
In a way that friends do
No, you most likely were feeling
Either lonely as ****
Or you weren't getting enough attention
And you suddenly remembered I exist
Because you always thought I was a safe bet
The person who would always be there
Except that's an abusive expectation
Unconditional positive regard
That's a therapy technique
It's not made for relationships
Or human connections
So when you consistently use me
While your boyfriend is in the hospital
Or he's in a rough place and can't
***** you the way you want
When you text me after so much silence
Expecting me to even respond at all
And honestly I didn't want to

Initially I planned to ignore the message
Or just delete it
But why would I give you the power
To create your own narrative for my behavior?
So you can text me again in a few days
As if I was just busy and forgot to respond
Because I'm always here right?
Absolutely not
Not anymore
I'm done with your dramatic ****
With your inconsistencies and
Your using of me as an object of
Comfort and safety
I deserve better than that
And since you don't respect me
Enough to give me that consideration
Then I'll do it myself

And just in case you think I'll regret it
Or change my mind some day
Keep in mind that your grossly passive response
(A singular "oh"
To my assertive request not to talk to me again)
Immediately reinforced my decision
To put myself first
Because I love myself now
And I deserve much better than that
And I owe you
Nothing.

There's this battle in my head
Between doing what I want
And feeling like the biggest *****,
Or doing what will make others happier
And then I end up wherever there's left to be.
At least when they're happy I won't feel so selfish.
But then the unhappy thoughts return and I feel it just the same.
I was once told that you can never please everyone,
So why not at least please yourself?
Which sounds pretty genius,
Until I fall into another depressive episode.
Yeah they're just episodes now because it isn't all the time anymore.
I've at least gotten better that way.

She never loved me
She only loved the way I loved her
She never wanted me
Just wanted me to want her
She didn't care about me
Only about how I could benefit her
She never saw me
She saw the way I looked at her
She never heard me
She only heard enough to make her mad
She made me the center of her universe
Until someone better came along
Someone who gave her more
More of whatever she needed in that moment
She said she'd never do something that she didn't want to do
Even if it would help her partner in some way
She said she hated being selfish
(Or hated being called selfish)
But she didn't know how to change
She didn't know how to care
And all I ever wanted from her
Was to give a **** about me
Even half as much as I did for her
I didn't want material things
I didn't want empty words
I didn't even need affection
I just wanted her to care
And she never did

We were sitting in a restaurant
Table set for two
One of those single couple booths
Perfect for me and you

We spoke of money and
I refused to let you pay for me
Maybe I have too much pride
But I’m not who your ex used to be

The overhead lights reflected perfectly and
I was sure that you were not a mistake
Your ocean eyes vibrated my soul
And then I spilled my milkshake

Blood rushed to my face
And I looked away in shame
But then I heard you laughing
And something in my heart changed

Somehow you weren’t embarrassed
Or uncomfortable with my lack of grace
But instead that heart-shattering smile
Was plastered across your gorgeous face

And then you surprised me yet again
As you opened up your soul out of the blue
And though you spoke nonchalantly
I knew those thoughts were haunting you

I painted versions of your stories
Across the walls of my mind as you spoke
Memorizing the imagery and your feelings
About your insufficient social support

And while I know I can’t be everything for you
I can try to be better than the last
So you have somewhere safe to run
When you need to escape your broken past

Because although the table spanned miles between us
And we were connected only by our fingertips
I could feel our souls grazing one another
As they tangled together in electric riffs

At that very moment
Staring into your eyes, gold and blue
I felt the first real chance
That I might truly love you