what is it to be 40 twice the man, you were at twenty? four times the man, you were at ten? is it being wiser and having your means meet the end? finances sured up? with no need, for to be the miser a divorce or some perhaps a strong marriage polyamorous loves to your heart's desire addictions? vices? troubles stifling? death breathing down your neck to the thumping of your heartbeat beads of sweat, gather and run off your chest like your shoes on the concrete you are dying even while you're living and you know one day it'll be your last cause we only get so long and time goes fast a baby is born the next afternoon an old man is buried tomorrow could never come would you ever know it?
Commitment issues This again? Yes but this time these are my words Not the labels thrown at me by exes Like arrows attempting to pierce me into place I thought it was meant to trap me But I think they just wanted me to stop To think To really evaluate myself To see the truth Im afraid of commitment.
When I've been told this in the past I read it with the understanding that Commitment issues meant I Just couldn't have or didn't want a relationship And that just couldn't be true I mean just check my track record
No, see My having commitment issues Is rooted deeply within my past These problems originate in an exciting mix of Trust issues Abandonment issues And a variety of other traumas
I am not afraid to enter relationships And I do not avoid love Actually, I am obsessed with finding love With being loved All the while trying to love another Thinking I'm succeeding While subtly sabotaging myself in the process
When I was small I did not receive the respect and care Needed to show I was loved Though my parent said they cared They didn't protect me the way they should have I had to take care of myself Look out for myself Because I was the only one I could trust
Anytime I got close to someone They'd either decide to leave Or get ripped away by outside forces I was alone a lot And not great at making friends With the abuse happening at one house And some solace found at the other I was constantly fluctuating between Hellhole and liberation All while trying to have a childhood And survive adolescence
So when they say I have commitment issues They're probably right But not for the reasons they think Not because I'm polyamorous Not because I don't want to commit Not because I don't love and Not because of who I am as a person My issues come from a long line of Different abuses by people who Were supposed to protect me But didn't
So if you think to judge me For the trouble I have with trusting you And trusting you won't hurt me Or decide to leave when I'm "too much" Understand that I did not choose to be like this I didn't choose the pain that led me to love In such a haphazard way
"Commitment issues" Commitment: a designated set of time Issues: problems
So I cannot, successfully, Designate an "appropriate" amount of time To a relationship Is that right?
Keep in mind, These women enter my life And I tell them I don't believe in marriage And they say "that's ok" Until it's not.
Maybe it's a comment I made Or maybe they forgot But something changes over time And I am not an object I am not some possession That people can lay claims to I am a human With ever-changing needs and desires With thoughts and feelings And my own perception of reality
So maybe I get anxious when people Try to put some hold on me You chalk it up to commitment issues What if I just don't like feeling owned? What if I simply refuse To let anyone remove my autonomy?
And what's even wrong with that? Who gets to decide what is an "Appropriate" amount of time? Oh, wait, That's "forever" right? Says who? Why should I continue to chase this Socially-constructed dream Of spending my entire life with one person If that's not what makes me happy?
Trust me, I've tried for a long time And I could never seem to find A singular being Who I'd willingly spend eternity with If that even exists And until this point I've been unhappy most of my life Reflecting on my failed attempts at Happy monogamy
I am finally happy now Free love is beautiful It has liberated my soul It has liberated my love And my sense of self For once I feel happy most days I am focusing on myself now Instead of pouring everything into another I'm growing more everyday And learning more about who I am
But you just brush that off Saying my polyamorous identification Is a manifestation Of some fear of commitment It couldn't possibly be the real me It couldn't possibly be the way I feel happiest Because it's not the "normal" way to desire? It's not the logical form of love? Or it's just different Or it's just new And you rejecting it within me Means you aren't accepting me for who I am In this moment
If that's the case Then I don't know who you're in love with Because this is who I am Whether you like it Or disagree with it Or not This is who I am And I'm so over Trying to validate Justify And explain myself Just because someone disagrees with my form of loving
I didn't lie to you Everything I said was true At least in that moment of time I told you back then Even if I believed in soulmates I don't believe in only one If I remember right You agreed
Our feelings thrived through 5 years When we didn't say a word to each other That's definitely something special And I'm not saying my feelings have changed But my place in life has
Yes I'm polyamorous But that's not why we didn't work Sure, maybe I could've tried harder But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe Even though we weren't close You needed me constantly Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me
I'm not blaming you I was there for you 1000% at first Then I stopped trying so hard You thought I was giving all my attention to her She thought I was giving all my attention to you I should've been giving more attention to me Because life was killing me
Working full time And trying to survive the semester Now add that to the balancing of two relationships Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde
Imagine trying to address The intense emotions you had Plus those of my ex And those of my other partner Let alone my own feelings throughout it all That's a lot to handle And yes I dug my own grave with it But I figured it'd be worth it in the end
You seem to think that I'm some unstable person who Tears everyone down with me But, even in these last few months I've grown and changed so much And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy
I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings I finally feel comfortable being myself Radical as **** but still sensitive I can finally exist alone and at peace
As for believing in reconnection It's not just 'us' involved anymore That's where people seem to forget Both you and my ex seem to expect That I can't just make these decisions Without thinking too much about the others
I understand why You'd hope my present relationship will fail But I've grown a lot as a person I've learned more about myself And what I want and need
With her there is no co-dependence There's open communication There's honesty and transparency That doesn't mean it's 'better' I am not degrading ours in any way It does mean it's different though
So how can I reenter a relationship That was definitely unhealthy in some ways After realizing what healthy means? Despite all of my love for you Despite how much I care We can't be more than friends right now Because anything else would hurt us both
If our souls do meet in Whatever world exists next Then you can slap me silly But right now this is what's best