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Nicx May 22
Dear Nikki at 5,

I wanted to write to you today
To honor our 500th poem
To honor you and to honor
All of the pain you've carried for us
I think of that one night
Maybe the first time you wrote about your feelings
You were so hurt and angry
Emotional energy like a current
Electrifying your entire system
So you found solace in your words
Scribbling onto your magnetic sketchpad
Letting the anger rush through you
Concentrated energy through the pen
I am so proud of you for coping that way
I know you felt better afterwards
Written words tend to alchemize our energy
Firing ferocity into calm
I respect your instincts
To translate your pain into art
It was beautiful until your peace was shattered
Our mother found your writing and
Instead of discussing your pain and anger
She took your words for gunshots
Ripping apart her already low self esteem
So she sat you down on the stairs
She was distraught and upset
She told you that your words hurt her
That your feelings caused her pain
That you were bad and wrong for writing them
Instead of considering your emotional state
Instead of even asking what was wrong
She loaded your shoulders with shame
Forced you to carry the burden of her pain
A child responsible for the emotions of an adult
You took on that task and couldn't have known
That doing so would internalize that responsibility
That you would forever feel at fault
When anyone around you felt pain
She taught you that your feelings are bad
That your inner workings are inherently flawed
Your emotions, your wants, your needs
Normal pieces of your humanity
It all became your greatest enemy
And your most intense fear
I am so sorry that she didn't hug you
I am sorry she didn't tell you it's ok to feel
You deserved love and compassion
You deserved to be taught that
You are not defined by your feelings
She could have taught you that your choices
Carry the truth of who you are
That you made a beautiful decision that day
To write out your emotions when
You could have acted them out instead
I want you to know that I am so proud of you
That your feelings were real and valid
Your feelings matter, every single one
I am so sorry I spent most of our life
Shaming you for being human
Instead of celebrating your sensitivity
I reinforced and added to your burden
I blamed you for every broken thing
And turned you into a target for pain
You deserved to maintain your childhood
You deserved respect for your humanity
I am sorry for the time it's taken me to learn
After 20 years I finally understand that
Your feelings matter and your heart is good
You will no longer carry this pain
I will be the parent that you deserve
Thank you for sticking with me
And thank you for leading us here

I love you little one
You have always been enough

With love,
24-year-old You
My 500th poem, dedicated to my 5 year old self.
Nicx May 22
I am pacing through existence
Carefully avoiding the people and the potholes
I meet you at the dim edge of a doorway
You look stunning in the moonlight
The light reflecting your pale skin and chiseled features
I reach for your hand but it's occupied
A silver key hangs from blood-red ribbon
My brow furrows as you delicately release the deadbolt
Cautiously you beckon me closer
The door cracks just enough to release
Gentle blue light that dances across the frame
I am intrigued and lean in beside you
Suddenly, as you carefully release the ****
An aggressive breeze rips past us
Slamming open the door but you seem unphased
While the shrill and guttural sirens of screams
Bring me to my knees
Eyes closed and hands clawing at my ears
I can feel a hole tearing open my chest
I want to yell but my throat fails me
I can barely breathe and
There is only noise and darkness
My head is about to explode
As I pummel my fists into the earth
Begging for air in a fit of rage
I scream as fire explode from within me
Spinning circles of flames
Charred barriers surround me
As the silence creeps back into focus
My breath is ragged and labored
I'm convinced I've barely survived
But when I raise my gaze
There are tears flooding yours
And purple burns trace your skin
There's a shiny new lock on the door
And although I feel safe once again
I know I've just broken you more
Nicx May 17
I think there's something missing
An empty space within my brain
Is it genetics or experience?
Most likely a mix of both
It seems I only feel whole
When my blood is filled with drugs
Energetic electricity
Flowing through my limbs
Substances fill the void
The emptiness I can't stand
I wish I was more than this
Or simply nothing at all
I want to fade into the night
Float away slowly like this high
And instead of returning to humanity
I'll let the wind carry me home
Nicx May 17
I dig hooks into my heart
Hoping to feel something more
Tying parts of myself to others
As if they could fix my soul
As if maybe one day
The scars will fuse to the metal
Somehow filling in the gaps
Empty, echoing spaces
That swallow everything whole
But one day even those will disintegrate
Or be ripped out without warning
And it's no one's fault but my own
When I bleed out onto the floor
Nicx May 13
I don't think I'm made for this life
I feel like any good I could do
Can never outweigh the darkness
Dripping from the roots of my being
I don't think I was born with this
But I know it's grown into a part of me
Like ink, it leaks and pools
Drowning me and staining others
Somehow people of light find me
I want so badly to mirror back their essence
Instead when they pull me into their arms
The poison seeps through my fingertips
Little by little it finds a path inside
Dancing through blood to find a heartbeat
Their beautiful colors are tarnished and tainted
Muddied with the tar of my pain
I want to save the people I care for
And save the parts of myself that are left
I want to **** this deadly energy
Give the world less evil to fight against
It's whispers tangle through my brain
Spoken so calmly and assuredly
Reminding me of my damaged soul
It knows the control it has over me
It lies and says it keeps me safe
That to it I owe everything
It thinks it's what's kept me alive
When it's really what's killing me
A simple fix would **** this demon
A single bullet could end it's reign
Cold metal against hot skin
I'll trade my last breath for this
Nicx May 11
Lips like velvet pressed to mine
Your skin is soft like silk
My fingertips trail your features
Your face etched into my memory
And your body feels like home
I wrap you into my arms
Gentle and kind
I'll hold you forever
I dance delicate kisses across your forehead
You are my eternity my sweetest Night
I love you so deeply
My soul and yours are one
No matter the struggles
And no matter the storms
I will pull you into safety
If drought plagues our universe
I will move mountains to find the rain
I will plant trees and seeds of love
And we will thrive again
Nicx May 4
We're standing at an invisible wall
Staring into the deep blue abyss
As graceful creatures glide by
I am breathless
You ask me to sit with you and I do
Careful not to lean too close
Trying to figure out if it's in my head
Or if you're leaning in a little too
Wherever we are, time isn't
We talk and watch sharks circling by
As people come and go before us
I'd gladly sit here all night with you
I'm not pulled to you by the rush of my heartbeat
Although that is distracting too
It's this calm and comfortable essence
The balancing act of our energies
I want to hold your hand and
I want you to think I'm cute
And even if it isn't mutual
I still want to be right here with you
I'm aware Serotonin isnt the right neurotransmitter to fit this...but it sounded better as a title
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