I'm sorry it has taken so long
For me to recognize your light
Yet I'd be lying to say that
I'm blind to the darkness you reflect
Off of each curve and thicker
Piece of skin with the images of
My past pain swimming across the surface

Although I've hidden the old scars behind New ones
filled with ink, the stains
Never truly lift from my pale limbs
Leaving paler veins that bulge through the art
But I hold no shame for those choices

My bleeding scars reflect a beautiful life
Within the death I felt looming too closely as
I was forced to be an adult in a child's body
As I begged for death and was given life with
All the prospects of becoming whole
Only after endless trials of trauma

Whether by blade, glass, and metal
Or starvation, pressure, and pills
I tried to paint the picture of a dreamland life
Across the human limbs that I blamed for my pain
Due to my distorted perspective of perfection
Because the shapes never fit together
And the moment I reached "enough"
It always became too little

Not small enough, not flat enough
Not worthy of love
Too masculine, too feminine
It always seemed wrong
But now I know that
My body is not the enemy

Through the dysphoria
My body still breathes
And I am no less human
Even if my reflection does not reach my skewed standards of decency

Because perfect does not exist
Because the shame I've been dealt
Is not my responsibility to carry
I can learn to love my body
Without skipping meals and
Without the sweet relief of pain
Because I am only human
And our bodies are all beautiful
Because they're ours

I move my hands across the skin of my wrist
It's soft, smooth; clear.
But it never used to be.
Over time, physical scars heal
Occasionally leaving behind some sort of mark.
A reminder of what was.
What used to be.
But there's nothing now.
It's as clean as it was,
Before the struggles,
Before the fight.
While the physical scars have faded,
The emotional ones never will.
Never given the chance to mend
So they won't.
As they burn deep,
It's a sad moment:
Reminders of life
Reminders of strength
Of relief
Now nonexistent.

At this moment i feel the whole world caving around me,
Everything is closing in on my mind,
As i face memories of times passed
That are never to return.
It seemed easy then, but, looking back, we should have stayed those extra minutes,
Not been so quick to get home again.
Because now home is hard to face,
And it gets more tiring every day,
Trying to sit here and pretend that everything is alright,
That it's not a fight with time.
But the only ease is in the past,
Yet in those moments we felt no such thing.
I guess there's no winning anymore;
Time takes us all.

There's electric energy between us
And all I want to do is kiss you
Short-circuiting my heart
As our hands intertwine
I can feel your body tense
As my fingers grace your hips
I want to touch you everywhere
From your fingertips
To your lips
My hands dance across your skin
And I wonder if you feel it too
The immense craving
Driven by this intimacy
Every touch feels like the first
Intense and exciting
I've never felt this much emotion before
Especially through physical contact
As your body arches against mine
I feel it through every nerve
But I also feel it in my soul
I am undeniably in love with you
And this is more than just physical

It feels so wrong to think of you
But even after all these years
We're still dancing in my dreams
I dont think I ever told you
But from that time I emailed you
I still thought we were meant to be
Writing usually feels easy
But with this I am terrified
I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy
I don't want to bring you pain
I don't want to be so selfish
But these memories can drive me mad
I read something you wrote before
From that last time we hungout
When you thought I didn't care
I was distant because I was scared
It'd been years and I still loved you
I hurt you, and I loved you
I never told you it back then
Because I felt I'd hurt you more
I'd done enough, without making it worse
I know it's a silly thing
Since we don't know each other now
But I want to
Back then I thought our story wasn't over
That we'd connect again once we were older
But now I live across the country
And I'm too afraid to say hello

My drug of choice
The forbidden fruit I dare to taste
You are the answer
To the questions my heart speaks
My heart races uncontrollably
At the mere thought of seeing you again
Our hands touch and
You set off an explosion in my soul
Our energies connect and intertwine
Like the branches of two trees
Hugging and trailing along one another
And eventually growing together as one

I imagine colored dye
Floating through my brain
Showing the inconsistent chemicals
The lack of even concentration
A dose of something unexpected
And my eyes turn round like saucers
I feel everything so intensely
I can understand the inner-workings
Of the feelings I never understood
My obsession with lost love
Finally whispered it's truth
I do not regret where I am today
I simply miss feeling the happiness
That accompanies the memories that haunt me
I must come to terms with the fact
That happiness will return to me
If I stop hanging onto the past
And embrace the beauty of the unknown
That will bring me more happiness
Until then
I will allow myself to connect with myself
No judgement
No fear
No regrets
Just acceptance and
No expectations

Unspoken feelings, they cry out in the night.
You hold my heart frozen, so wrong but so right.
My dreams scream for you, my body aches in withdrawal.
Baby you're a drug and I'm in for the haul.
Addicted to the pain, addicted to the feeling.
I'm an addict, a lover, just a human being.
You were never good for me, that's what you would tell.
I said I'd stay standing, but so quickly I fell.
One kiss, one touch, one day at the park.
My love it unravels, but only alone in the dark.
I never had told you, the way I really felt.
As you'd hold me so close, my heart it would melt.
You made me feel safe, for once in my time.
The happiest I've ever been, when I thought you'd be mine.
Yet I was sadly mistaken, just lost in a haze.
I was high off your love, but for you it was solely a phase.

This fear is consuming me
A rope tying tightly around my throat
My chest
My stomach
Constricting my breath and cutting off circulation
Thoughts are spinning spinning spinning
Through my hollow mind
They won't stop
They're stealing my sanity
How do I function through this
When my mind knows it's illogical
But I cannot stop the panic that's destroying me?
I need an escape
I feel trapped but I'm not
I don't know what to do
This isn't the first time
And it isn't the last I'm sure
I don't know how to escape this
When I'm running from myself

I hope this is the last set of letters
Because I am so tired
Of hanging onto these things that
Happened so long ago now
And allowing other people
To have this type of control over me
I love myself now and
That really is an amazing thing
I didn't even like myself back then
I couldn't even comprehend the idea
That I could care about myself this way
And that's exactly the reason
Why all of these past occurrences
Suffocate my thoughts so much
Because I cannot fathom how
People who claimed they loved me
Could treat me the way they did
How I could let them
Use me and
Abuse me and
Manipulate me to such a degree
Where I stayed in those conditions
For much longer than I should have
The reason I haven't let go yet
Has nothing to do with my exes
It has to do with the ways in which
I allowed important people
Those who I shared love and a life with
To hurt me so deeply
It is not about the people
It is not about their names
It is not even about the individual love
It is solely about me and
The love I carry for myself now
And my own inability to comprehend
How I could hurt myself so much
By letting other people
Actively hurt me so much

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing,
And your head another?
When you're aware of the cold hard facts
But your emotions disagree.
I know how she makes me feel
In either situation
Back and forth with pain and joy
It's enough to give you whiplash.
I've seen how she can be
Sweeter than most and in need of someone who really cares
But I've witnessed her true colors as well
Conniving lies and all.
So when it comes down to it, who do you really believe in,
The one you want to,
or the one you know best?

I wake up to a heavy chest
A heavy heart and a heavy head
I want to text you back
But I can't force myself to move
I sit up and put my head between my knees
Regretting the stupid things I did the night before
Wondering where my self-care went
Yes I'm still working out and meditating
But I also haven't been sober for awhile
I know the drugs make me sad
And I know they make me overeat
Which in turn makes me feel bad
So why can't I just stop?
Why can't I just feel this pain?
Why do I have to drown it out
In liquor and THC?
I feel so lost
I don't know who I am
I don't know how to feel anything
Without hurting myself again

As I drag through life on my knees, bleeding
I try to unlock the chains that pin my body down
And while I cannot find every key to free me from the weight
I have learned strength and endurance
and other tricks to ease my journey

Though the years I have hashed my blood onto paper
Smiling as my emotions bled into clean sheets
Forcing the purity of the page to match my damaged and ***** soul
Yet I have never thought to cut out my darkest experience

Instead, it swims within my stomach's acidic pool
Remaining dormant until a thought or melody claws at its bones
Until it can no longer be contained

So I begin ripping through my lungs and intestines
Simply trying to locate the source of the misery
As it torments both my body and mind

And by my own hands,
The acid spills into the crevasses of my muscle and bone
Sizzling through the structures on contact
Until I no longer recognize the dead stare reflecting off of metal and glass
And so I destroy them by using them
To **** whatever shambles of my body remain

As I sit in a puddle of blood and feel the air ticking away like seconds on a clock
I smell the familiar perfume of death, nestled with regret

I promised myself that,
if I somehow survive another night,
I will try to face the thickest chains that bind me tighter than ever before
Those that continue to stain the ground with my past and
Refuse to let me stand without fear

And so I begin

I wanna see the blood
I wanna see the pain
I wanna prove that my body
Is nothing more than a frame
My mind is screaming
Parts of it beg me to bleed
The others demonize those pleas
I just don't want to feel this way anymore
And I suppose it's my own fault
I know how I get
When I start drinking then stop
Maybe that's why I always overdo it
Because then I can get sick and sleep
Before this depression takes its hold
And sets my demons free
Digging and clawing at my mind
Until I do the same to my own skin

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

A warm summer breeze
sends clouds of dandelions
to swarm around my body.

They crash and glide,
spin and collide,
until they find their own way
to the ground.

Despite the heat,
my limbs are frozen together,
locked into place, while
my mind explores this empty town.

She’s there,
under the drifting shade of the dying oak tree,
watching me from afar,
waiting until I can see her sunlit countenance,
until I can know her.

My love,
the one my mind searches for
in the darkest alleys and
the jutting cliff sides of
my cavernous heart.

She lies in the shade,
just waiting for the moment when
the glimmering sun reveals her
identity, while
my persistent mind attempts to
distinguish characteristic features
within her impenetrable
silhouette.

But it can’t;
It never will.

When stubbornness and impatience
search for love,
only chaos breeds
and spreads
like fire in this lush, illuminating field.

The ash chokes the life
from the flowers before
they even get their chance to bloom,
and the deadly smoke lifts
to destroy my only chance
at beginning a life
with the one I love most,
my only chance
to understand my emotions enough
to see your beautiful face

Whoever’s it may be.

Creeping through my late night dreams
I hear you calling out to me

Your eyes shine brightly ocean blue
and then I fall back down for you

Hold my heart and let it beat
Bump bump bee bump in the street

The streets of my brain echo loud
praying that you can hear the sound

Crashing glass as pieces fall
my heart is breaking after all

Cause I awoke and all I see
is darkness, O! twas just a dream

Screaming out at its last gasp
My heart is belting "Free At Last!"

Why can't I control my mind?
I'm alone and anger is all I can find.
Each day the evil spreads
Deep into my heart and inside my head.
I'm unsure of where it rose first
I only feel it digging deep, getting worse.
I hate everything I see
No. I hate me.
I'm the worst, most days
Easy to see why people don't stay.
I treat everyone terribly
Unfortunately, even my own family.
So "he" can reject me at the Gates of Heaven
I swear Hell can't be much worse than the places that I've been.
Day after day drag out and in
Clawing and tearing and wearing my skin.
Oh where did I go?
When did I get surrounded in this never ending snow.
Blizzards of pain and confusion
It's too clear to me now that I'm no longer losing
I've lost.

I expected broken promises,
But you left a broken soul.
I hoped this time'd be different,
But it's the Same I've grown to know.

You spoke of crush,
Altered by a greater fall.
But it shouldn't make much difference;
Like is like, after all.

She burned your heart,
Ripped it out,
But I'm here to cool the flames.
She didn't care,
No ounce of love,
Just playing out her games.

The second choice,
Not too bad.
If only that was an option.
You're done with her,
And here I wait,
Still no interest I've gotten.

So tell me,
If you may,
What might it be,
That I could say
To hold your heart,
Within my hand?
Together in one part
It'd stand.

I'd do what I could
To prove
To you
Just how much I care.
I'll fight for you,
As long as you need,
And never leave your side.

So love me,
Or love me not.
Just know, your words
Are not forgot.

So if you make a promise,
To me this dead of night,
I'll wake in the morning,
With everything alright.

I think of your soft skin
The sweet lines of your beautiful face
And I can't help but smile.

My frozen heart warms at the thought
Of the way our souls collide as our foreheads touch
Satin skin against skin.

You are the most wonderful part the universe
Your soul vibrates so perfectly with mine
We complete one another so gracefully.

Despite your place in my heart
I will try to hold myself stable
Enough to not drag you into this darkness with me.

Your beautiful heart and it's unnatural beat
Have carried you through enough torture
And still it strives forward as perfect and innocent as ever.

Baby I love you more than myself
That's why I haven't opened up yet
I'm afraid to give you more nightmares than you're already plagued with.

But I want more than anything
To give you all of me
I just wish it could be done more easily.

I know I'm not perfect and
I'm dripping with bad habits
But please believe that my feelings for you are real

Even though I seem walled off right now
I really am trying to open up for you
For you and for me

So one day soon we can both live at ease
Without the fear of this falling apart
Dreaming peacefully, on our little island paradise

Dear gorgeous
Dear love
Dear liar
Dear *****
Dear ****
You ******* liar
You let my heart break
After four pointless months
Pointless because you stopped giving a ****
Long before it ended.
So ****, thought i could have loved you
Guess not, so its time to move on
Although it hurts pretty bad
I know you must not be right
I may be beyond ******* sad
But most goodbyes are.
So i guess ill just say **** it
Im used to being alone anyways
It just hurts that you'd ******* stay for the one thing i hate most
Pity.
So ***** you
Go ***** off
Im done with people
I can't take this **** much longer
Believe me
Im dying inside but I'll laugh on the outside
Burying the tears under forced smiles and glazed eyes
I can't believe it still..
That it's all over...
That you were just like the rest..
Although you said you'd be different.
I ******* laid myself open to you raw
All you did was use those things as an excuse to stay around when you knew you didn't want to.
When i told you, I was surprised that you stayed
And you asked what people I've been around before
Apparently ones like you.
Just took you a little longer to get the picture.

I know it sounds odd
But you've been on my mind
It feels wrong to say
It's been such a long time

I wish I could call it random
But it only makes sense
Everything would've been different
If I were this Me back then

I said I didn't love you
But I just didn't understand
That love is more than a feeling
Or just somewhere you land

Our connection was special
We built so much together
But I was young and dumb
And you deserved so much better

When we met up years ago
You said we weren't meant to be
And I never told you
You still meant so much to me

I know it's been years and
I know we're not the same
But I wonder how it'd be
To catch up on that change

We acknowledged our history
When we spoke recently
Although we didn't talk long
It was extremely bittersweet

I don't know who you are now
And you don't know me
But I still feel a connection
And I care for you deeply

I promise I won't disturb you
I'll let the past be as it is
Just know I'm wishing you the best
I hope you find happiness

I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

I feel like I should write
Though I'm not quite sure what to say
It seems like I feel everything so intensely
Until I try to capture it and it's gone

Words don't seem to work well these days
I'm really not even sure how I'm doing
I feel ready to have a successful week
Yet I also feel heavily disconnected from you

Maybe I am finally accepting my feelings for another
Allowing myself to explore the potential new flame
Maybe I felt held back by your distaste towards her
I realize now that it heavily tints my interactions with her

But it's not about her
And It's not about you
It's honestly about me
And the way I've been living

I have been so consumed by
Our love and all of this polyam drama
That I'm forgetting to live as an actual human
Forgetting that I exist without you too

I know it heavily affects you and
Stresses you out far more than I
So maybe this distance is for you too
Then again, you asked me not to pull away

What else can I do though
When you're consumed by another
And I feel empty and alone too often?
These feelings have led my life far too long already

So I'm stepping up my focus
I am working more on myself again
Because if somehow things get rough
I need to have someone to fall back on

For the first time ever
I've found the healthiest opportunity
The most reliable choice I should've made sooner
And it's me

I am my own foundation
My world exists through my own perception
So in the likely event of some sort of chaos
I am finally ready to catch myself

I will be ok regardless of circumstance
And that's extremely liberating

The condensation slowly begins
To eat a hole in
The cotton of my jeans
And I've been through this enough
To know
I'm not alone in it
But I can't help but feel empty.

The dripping grass emits it's gasses
filling the air with the sweet smell of
freedom and October;
The plants releasing their last breath into the world
before the snow comes
and brings death upon us all.

Even in this facade of freedom I feel trapped
Caging myself within the confines of a small
One-bedroom apartment that's supposed to be "home".

The soaking corpses of thriving flowers
and the sweet tickle of chirping crickets
are drowned out by the overwhelming sadness
that's begun to overthrow my lungs,
echoing throughout my limbs as it
sloshes through my eardrums and soaks my shoes

Dear god, why am I still hurting?
It's been 9 years and I still can't escape.
This depression has stolen every last part of me.
Until it's all I have left.

And yes, out here, I feel free
Away from the judgement
Where no one can touch me
Connected with the Earth
Simply observing all that surrounds me.

And of course I can hide from my anxiety
But even feeling the cleanest sand between my feet
And deafening my mind with these crashing waves around me
I can't run from the demons eating at the tatters of my soul
Because they will find a way to lure me back in
To disconnect me from the beauty that surrounds me
Leaving me dying alone on the cold, dark concrete
that lines my broken memories
Bleeding out these sins until I no longer feel empty

I am darkness
a souless being trapped
within a world of expectations,
where we live for nothing
aside from our need to please
whomever we deem fit to be
worth suffering for.

Death looms around every corner
sneaking and leaking through
the walls and into the cavernous slits
dug deep into the unstable barriers of my
demented, sickened, disturbed mind.

I see nothing but never-ending black space
spanning for miles in every direction
but, sometimes, a flicker of light illuminates
a single line across my path
scratching through the key holes of
the hundred of doors, always locked,
protecting the world from my wrath and
holding me hostage
until Insanity offers its hand
to lead me to my only escape.

She is light
the brightness I've seen so rarely.
Her world, one of complete coherence
where everything serves its destined purpose
a cold world I know not of
but she is always so warm
so happy
and knows nothing of
the torment caused by that
blinding, taunting ray
trespassing into my world
my darkness
my home.

Sometimes, though,
it breeds hope of a better future
where her purity and
my evil nature can collide
morphing into an electrifying New
and it can be ours, together.

Then the beam dissipates
and I am alone,
again
until my nightmares welcome me back
and devour my soul until I drown
in my own destiny.

I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive

But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder

Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page

With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart

But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity

Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter

Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful

But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living

So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.

Your sapphire eyes that glow with a ring of fiery hazel
The way your smile lights up the entirety of your face
How your soft lips feel pressed firmly against mine
The peace in your limbs as your drift into sleep
How genuinely good of a person you are
Every line in your hands that I try to memorize with mine
Your beautiful heart and its skipped beats
The passion behind your decisions in life
Your relentlessness even in the face of fear
The undeniable strength you wield that blows my mind daily
Your perseverance despite the hard life you’ve faced
How much of a capacity you possess to love others, good and bad
The sounds of your voice whispering that you love me for the first time
Your vulnerability in sharing your most intimate secrets with me
You

Dear Sam,

Your ex
Who happens to be my best friend
Opened up to me the other day
About how they used to resent me
Because of the way you treated them
When I entered into poly with you
Which is entirely understandable
Especially considering that you
Decided to tell them something big
While you guys were out with friends
You just couldn't wait to tell them
That you didn't think that you were poly
Because you thought you only loved me
Yet I never heard this from you
****, I never even saw it much
Whenever you complimented me
You balanced it with one about them
Which I thought was fine
Because they're a really good person
Little did I know that you were
Being so abusive to them all the time
While telling me how much you love them

I think what ****** me off the most
About all of this ****
Is that I felt that I was done with you
I stopped thinking about it all
Either I'd processed all I needed to
Or I was repressing all the damage
Because you caused a **** ton
But finding this out?
It makes me so ******* angry
Because you had them believing
That things were great between us
And made me believe the same about you two
While you emotionally abused and
Deeply manipulated both of us
On such a level that
Certain songs give me anxiety
And I get flashbacks of you
Of us
Sitting in your house in the dark
The only light coming from candles
Music playing over the speakers
An ambient setting that
Holds so much pain
From both positive and negative experiences

Yet those don't even feel like memories
They feel like something I saw in a movie
Because by the end of those long 6 months
You brought me so close to the ground
That I still taste dirt when I breathe

I hate that you're in my head again
Because I was fine before this
Before hearing even more
Or the torture you put them through
And how the pain you inflicted on me
The pain that causes dark anxiety
Upon seeing any Jeep vehicle
Paled in comparison
To the ways you abused and hurt them
How ******* dare you
They were nothing but loving and caring to you
I could've screamed with joy when they left you.

I hope it burns.
I hope you know you're abusive.
I hope you think of us often.
And I hope you get help
And never do this ever again.

It's late April
The weather is more like fall though
Melting snow and dry foliage
Autumn reminds me of you

We celebrated Halloween together
Pumpkin farms and feeding goats
Themed parties that didn't go right
Streaming tears in your basement
And I knew exactly how to help you

Video games on cold nights in our onesies
You singing to me
Echoing across the practice room walls
Our song
It meant so much to you and I felt it too

Something changed when I fell in love
With someone else
I still loved you too though
You thought I had commitment issues
Maybe I do
Maybe I don't
I don't want to go there now

I still remember the good times we had
It hurts to think about them now
But whenever I'm in town
I hold my breathe because I'm scared to see you
I'm scared to look closer at our relationship
I panic when it smells like October
Because it reminds me of you
Of us
And I'm too scared to think about how that makes me feel

I wake up cold in my bed
And cuddle up next to someone I care for deeply
Waiting for a moment
To text "good morning" to the girl I love

Bliss.
This is free love.
This is beautiful.

I'm lost in the moment
Lost in her eyes
A vibration on the table brings me back
I expect it's from my love
And it is
But not the one I expected

Instead
My ex-fiancé's name flashes before me
Followed by the smiley face I never removed
"Hey"

What?
I'm in shock
Is this an accident?
And old message stuck in my phone?
It buzzes again

"Could I ask you something"
My heart is racing
What could you have to say to me?
"Those letters."
I guess you read them
"Do you still feel that way?
Or have you moved on now..."

I'll never move on
My love is limitless and endless
But for that same reason
I'm so confused

Of course I love you
I always will
But I love someone else too
And I know I'll love another soon enough

My love needs more than monogamy can give me
The experience of polyamory is all so new
It's liberating
And it's beautiful
And I love it
But I love you too

You are almost every great memory
That I have from the past 2 years
But I'm also a different person now
Than I was four months ago

I still can picture a future with only you
But polyamory would have to come off the table
I don't know if I'm ready for that
Even if I don't know what a poly future looks like

I need time to process this
I need a minute to breathe
I need to reflect on these possibilities
Love is a beautiful thing
But right now it's suffocating

I feel a train approaching
Headed straight for my soul
A tiger ready to pounce
And rip it bare to shreds,
Well whatever remains i suppose.

Sadly I know the origin well
Of these worries of terror
And it's all my fault.
I really hate myself sometimes,
For the things I need of her.

I'm sorry
I just need someone there
I don't seem the same now as I was before
But deep down i promise I'm still here
It's just hard sometimes to see that you care.

It's not your fault at all
No you were unaware of the scratches
That lie beneath the surface
Of a painted door
With tampered latches.

I know we're not perfect
That's not of my intention
I want to fall in love
With you
And all of your imperfections.

Forgive me for being weak
And having issues greater than you expected
But if there was any a hope
For me to truly love you
You needed to understand the ways I'm affected.

So if this ends for my actions
And you no longer can handle me
I will understand
And let you go as you wish
Only pondering on all I hoped we could be.

We say words are not enough to describe the way we feel, yet I still keep trying to write it

Our love is limitless, endless, undying, and powerful
But these are just words and they only graze the surface of this experience

Our love is racing hearts, sleepless nights, comfortable silence, and genuine transparency and respect
We love without doubt, with a terrifying passion, these feelings are suffocating
But if breathing meant losing you, I'd gladly hold my breath forever

I let you into every inch of my soul, even if you feel I'm hard to read
You've seen these demons, felt the tension of this anxiety, and yet you're still here

When we lay together, your soul touches mine so deeply, I forget anything else exists

There is nothing but you: your soft skin against my fingertips, your endless gaze connects with mine
Time means nothing here, life becomes mute, and we are untouchable

And within this strength and within this love, there lives a trickling fear
Do we struggle to cross this stream due to the monogamous constructs trapped by our socialization?
Or do we simply experience such an intense connection that the idea of losing it feels like death?

I've asked many different people to define the love they feel
And even though it's beautiful to read, none of it defines us
Grounding? Yes. Safety? Absolutely. Inspiring? Without a doubt.

But our love is more than these loaded terms
Because language is limiting
Though I'll keep chipping away at these words forever
Until I find every way to say I love you

Even as tears stain your face
You've never been more beautiful
A gorgeous warrior
Fighting the battle that is your life
Typically intense and headstrong
Before me you're sensitive and hurting
You're so complex but
Your heart is pure and good
And I love every aspect of your existence
I'd hold you forever if I could
I want to save you from your demons
But I know I can't
So I'll be here with you through it all
Whether you're fine or not
I will always be here for you
Because I love you
And I know you can make it
I see it in your resilience
I feel it in your soul
You are undeniably strong
And I believe in you

A small black cloud circumvents my path as I trail through the world
He loves me, I think, for I fill his needs and provide the excess attention that he strives on
And I love him more than words can describe and, when he does not linger near, I feel lost and anxious

While the world may never understand his place in my life, I know that I could not live without him
But, one day, I'll have to
One day, my shadow will seem empty and silenced
My heart will ache with withdrawal and my ears will bleed without his sweet song

But I will keep breathing

Because the way he touched my life will last forever

While I may not always feel his soft fur along my fingertips
Or have the chance to cuddle him to sleep
I will forever love my sweet cat-son
For he has saved my life every day
With his love for life, innocence against all evils, and the sense of family he provided
Throughout my darkest days and loneliest nights
May you live eternally

I am an outsider
Your friends
Your lovers
You're all connected
But not me

I am the unfamiliar
The unknown
The stranger in the crowd
No one sees me
But maybe you do

Until I met you
I scoffed at cinematic romance
So extra and unrealistic
Utterly improbable
Completely dramatic, unreal
Coincidence is never that perfect

And yet
I met you by accident in empty hallways
I talked to the universe for months
Asking her for the chance to connect
Day after day
I couldn't find the courage to speak
I didn't know you at all
But our souls felt like magnets
Being around you is electric
Paradoxically calming
Falling in love with you was unrealistic
As we were both dating another
And despite the improbability
Polyamory was the wild card

From bridge walks to car talks
This flame burned right through me
From 15-minute cafe conversations
To our first kiss under a bell tower
Our passion raged in waves
Ripping apart everything I thought I knew
An emotional monsoon
I swear this is a love like no other

Kissing in cars and wrestling on hotel beds
I breathe in your love and your light
Cherishing your soft skin against mine
Exhaling gratitude and peace
It's a feeling so surreal
No words feel right to describe it
But I do know it's a blessing
That every single day
I get to fall in love with you all over again

I want to take the blade to my wrists
And my legs
And my thighs
But I know it won't help
Because this hurts more than that would

I want to get wasted
Drink until I pass out
Or throw up all of this emotion
Maybe then I won't feel this pain
But I know that won't help
Because once it wears off I'll feel even worse

I want to get ****** out of my mind
To get as high as possible until these feelings can't touch me
But that will not help
Because the past few times I've smoked
It's only made me more in tune with my anger
Releasing all of the adrenaline into my system
Until I can't even look at you

I want to die
Because that's the only way out of this
I feel like I can't leave you
But I don't know if I can stay either
And if I'm dead I won't feel anything
I won't have to breathe
When each inhale fuels the anger in me
I won't have to think
All of the thoughts that are consuming me
I won't have anything
I won't be anything
And since I feel that anyways
What's the point of this?

I won't fall in love with you for the way your hair cascades your shoulders
I won't get hooked on the way your body sways when you walk
And I won't focus on the small flaws that society highlights every day

I am not your average person
I'm an *******, a ****
Sometimes I don't think ahead
I've gotten myself into unsettling situations
And I tend to be self-destructive

But love terrifies me, it intimidates my self control
Because when I fall in love with you
It will be with the way your eyes glow when you speak
The beautiful chime of your voice when you answer the phone
The way my arms fit perfectly around you as you lean into me

I'll fall in love with the way we understand one another
And with the fear that consumes me
As I contemplate why someone as wonderful as you
Whose "flaws" I'll fall more in love with every day
Chose my broken soul
To make you feel whole.

The scary thing is
You could be enough for me
The intensity of these feelings
And our insane connection
Might be enough alone
But I'm afraid to give you all of me

Red lines red lines
Like tiger stripes
Across my shin
I want them across my wrist
My forearms and back too
Tigers are strong and fearless
Brave in the face of death
Maybe that's what I'm looking for

Feelings overflowing
Dripping from the cracks in my heart
Coursing through my veins
The excess seeps into my lungs
And I can't breathe

I watch you carefully
Trying desperately to read you
But like a million books in foreign tongue
I cannot follow the lines
Enough to reach a valid conclusion

The distance between us is stiff
My body aches with the tension of this anxiety
And though I avoid eye contact mostly
Sometimes I let myself slip

While it felt so wrong before
I'm learning to love myself
And embrace this capacity
To love multiple people at once
I'm slowly accepting my feelings for you
Swimming alongside my love for her

And here we are
Waiting patiently for what?
We have the perfect chance at something
Anything
And we embrace every minute of it

Every flirty text that makes my heart race
Every tear spawning from our partners' faces
The beautiful distance between us
Without the pressure and rush often associated with love

We sacrifice our energy on loved ones who don't understand
The true extent to which some humans can love
We endure the pain of supporting confused partners
So we can spend that extra time getting ready
To look cute for a simple conversation on my couch

I'm happy this way
Free from the socialized constraints of monogamy
Allowed to feel freely
To love freely

And regardless of where this experience leaves us
I'm going to embrace every opportunity it offers
And though our path is terrifyingly unmarked
I couldn't feel more at peace with it

Fresh baked bread
Layered in death and vegetation
My insides burn with withdrawal
It's been almost 24 hours now
How much longer will it take?
To either cave in unwillingly
Or to die painfully slow?

If I had not forgotten my cash
I'd have given in to my survival drives
I'm happy I forgot it
Because I can't stomach the idea of food
Let alone choke down something so revolting
Only because it pulls me further away from death

Instead I flood my veins with nicotine
Desperately trying to curb these cravings
My legs threaten to give out
With each step I take
Even now, scratching this among global fem notes
Dissociated entirely from class
My hands won't stop shaking

Is it nerves?
Or physical deterioration?
Or the panic lying under the surface?
Deafening screams ricochet through my mind
As I try to drown these feelings
But they won't disappear

I've dropped significant weight
And I don't want it back
I don't feel the need to lose more
But still it falls away
And eventually leaves nothing but skin and bones
Fueled by electrifying anxiety

I think about family dinners and cards
How we played skipbo instead of poker
And you were ok with being there anyways
Even though it seemed pointless
And now I'm making new memories
But I don't want to lose ours
They're beautiful
They hurt
They remind me of what we were
Before I realized I didn't feel the same

When I left you said you'd miss my family
I didn't realize I'd miss yours so much too
Now your back in your hometown
One I'll never see again
And I'm always back in mine
But you won't be

I think about motorcycle classes
The ones I'll never take
Because all I remember is the DMV
You forgot papers
And I had to go to work
But we got to talk on the drive
That made it worth the seemingly wasted time

Our home that is now so empty
Finally made me feel safe
And though this apartment is basically the same
It's not my home
I don't have a home anymore

Even those days in the old houses
You gave so much light to my darkness
But eventually my demons won
My empty soul could not be filled
By even your genuine goodness
Because I didn't face my feelings then either

I think of the day I proposed to you
I had it all planned out
The food, the picnic, the drinks, the flowers
Our night at the hotel
We watched It's Complicated
Which is pretty ironic now

The lady at the front desk was so excited for us
Even though I couldn't check in alone
Apparently you have to be 21 for that
And we were so young
But we were happy in that moment

I haven't really talked about it yet
Because my feelings don't make much sense
Is this regret I feel?
Or am I just plagued by the pain of knowing just how badly I hurt you?
I am hurting too
And even in those moments
You're still the only one I want to talk to

2 years of memories
2 years of putting up with my problems
You deserve so much more
And I hope you find it one day
Because I couldn't give you what you gave to me
Your unconditional love and safety
I only broke you down
And left you wounded by my mistakes and misjudgment

Ignorance was bliss
And this reality is destroying my sanity
But I need to face these feelings
So this pain can stop killing me

I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?

Eyes ache with loads of uncried tears
As my chest caves with the weight of
A heart that can't live freely
I just want to live
I want to be alive
I want to be free in this life
To have one at all
Because I'm so stuck right now
Trapped behind my own mind
And I'm grateful that it's protected me
But I am safe now
I don't need such high security
I don't need to be on guard with everyone
It's ok to be afraid and to not trust
But it doesn't help if I can't open up
I feel so alone
Yet I maintain that same state
I have people that truly care and love me
But I don't let them see me
My mind doesn't want to be vulnerable
It thinks others will see it as a weakness
And the weakest are the easiest to break
I'm afraid to get hurt again
I can't handle becoming another target
Which is extremely ironic considering
I'm the one the aiming the gun
At the most genuine piece of my soul

When you said we were done
I initially was angry because
I wanted to hate you so badly
But I only loved you.

A few days later,
I realize that, though I do love you
more than anything,
A part of me also resents you.
And maybe my anger was not,
In fact, because I couldn't hate you,
But because I knew a part of me does
And all I want to do is love you.

The last time you asked if I hated you for ending it;
I couldn't, because I understood.
But this time, you didn't ask
You didn't care
And I'm not sorry that I wasn't good enough,
Because you're the one who couldn't
Handle the distance.
Let your cravings and desires
Override a love
To where you couldn't feel it anymore.

I wish I could understand,
But I can't.
And I resent you for hurting me this way.
At least before I knew you still loved me,
Now I couldn't even tell you liked me.

Enjoy your freedom and experience
While I'm trapped as a prisoner
To my own mind.
The dreams of you continue and
Waking up hurts more than I can explain.
But I love you.
And, unfortunately, that will never change.