i feel sick today
not cold chills
or a runny nose
not body aches
or a sore throat

i feel sick today
no not in that way
it's my mind, not my body
that is beginning to stray

i feel sick today
but i can't describe it
it's cloudy for some reason
i don't recognize it

i feel sick today
but tomorrow will be better
this just happens sometimes
i’m sure it won't be forever

every time
i see a blue
pick-up truck
i flinch
even though
i know
you don't drive
one anymore

"You write
About darkness
And demons
Why don’t you ever
Write about the good things in life?"
Well the good things you see
Don’t make me go crazy
I only see the good
Through an altered lens
Clouds of fog obscure my view
A frigid gloom passes
Over the warmth of sunshine
Its brightness is no match
For this Alaskan winter
So I write these words
For I wish to understand
Why the darkness holds the power
And to hell with the good

Sometimes
A piece of art
A rhythmic beat
Or a string of words
Comes along
To connect you
To your own thoughts
An indescribable feeling  
Now pinpointed on the map of emotion

The things we find most beautiful
Can pull us under
The waves in the ocean
The green in his eyes
Both seas full of mystery
Strokes of humanity
What lies deep beneath those waters?
A deep unknown
It’s the only time
A mystery brings comfort
And though I love the ocean
And I’m lost in his eyes
I wouldn’t dare trespass
Into the abyss of time

“I
Love
You “

Those were the words
That never left my lips

They were always there
Sitting on the edge
A daunting drop
Awaiting the ground beneath them

Those were the words  
That never came out

It didn’t feel safe

And so I’m still waiting
for a day
that will never come

But if you can hear me now
know
That I loved you yesterday
and I will love you
until there are no more
tomorrows

there you are
sleeping in my mind again
second-guessing your presence
still hurts every now and then

a long-term visitor
overstaying your welcome
my heart was your home
now that feeling is seldom

the blame is on me
it's my fault in the end
there's no disguising that
i'm the one who invited you in

I make these decisions
in the heat of the moment

contemplation is non-existent
my fear is my opponent

stuck in an endless cycle of trepidation
no rights or wrongs
have found themselves in this equation

but to bathe in the what ifs
would force my head under

no air to breathe
and still left to wonder

so these decisions are made
sporadic as they come

I won't be transfixed
you'll find me on the run

The truth
Can free your soul
Take back all the things
That your memories once stole

Unpack your demons
Let them disperse
Through thin air
Release of the curse

The truth
Can ignite a flame or two
Your worst nightmare
With a spectacular view

Forcing your hands
To carry the heat
Well maybe that's better
Than admitting defeat

Sometimes I lie a little
To make myself feel good
It puts a smile on my face
And that’s more than the truth could

I don’t recall what it’s like
To feel hands intertwined with mine

Accustomed to loneliness
Staring at empty spaces
Only you can fill

Because I’d rather drown in your pain
Than breathe in the air of a lonesome body

you wrote me
into your past
it is there
i will stay

how much
of your life
has been decided
for you?

co-constructed
by the passing faces
on sidewalks

all life travelers
traversing dual rivers

what is
and
what shouldn't be

how often
do you enter
forbidden
territory?

i don't
wake up
when my eyes
open
i haven't
been awake
for some time
now

i anchor
myself
to the back
of your mind
you wish
me away
but here
i still linger

If Satan
were really
the Devil
he wouldn't punish
bad people
it's a myth
you see
that evil lies
in the darkest
of nights
so don't be worried
when the nightmares
bring comfort
a familiar darkness
no longer afraid
safety can be found
in the arms of the shadows

She said,

     “Life is just a series of problems
       to be traded off by other problems”

Is that so?
That’s what life is all about?

To choose between two evils
It just doesn’t make sense

A buffet served by the devil
It seems so cruel

Where is the loophole?
The secret to happiness
Has anyone figured out?

Maybe we’re all just dying inside
I’m convinced that’s it

Just say it out loud
I think this we can admit

i stand at the edge
where the water meets land

a few steps forward
is all it would take
to be swept away

i let the sea take me
relinquish control

it's out of my hands
i don't have to think

my mind is at ease
i am free
i am free

a smile washes over me
i am ready for life

this was all it took
but no land in sight

you come to me
in a dream

things are as they should be

waking up
with an urge
to make this dream
come to life

my mind tells me it's a sign

funny, isn't it?
dreams are only a sign
when they align
with my desires

saturated with uncertainty
**** these dreams

my mind;
my enemy
please
steer me in the right direction

i want
to feel death
hold it in my palm
taste the bitterness
then
let it go
find
what it means
to live

They tell me
To find the light
In all of my darkness

But wouldn’t I see
Any light peaking through
And wouldn’t I notice
Such a marvelous sign

I tell them they’re crazy
Only darkness lives here
I’ll know when there’s light
It’ll find me on its own

You don’t have to worry
This is just life
Don’t think about it too much
I’ll be alright

your mind is playing tricks on you again

it's not safe

that girl you know
it's not you
you don't know her

her face is familiar
you see it everyday
you use her to type these letters

she hates you

you don't know why

she's beautiful
but you can't tell
she doesn't want you to know
all the truth's of the world

open your eyes girl
you can't trust her

i always said
i'd die young
i wouldn’t make it
past 40
was that my depression talking
even at age 12
i had that feeling
running through my veins
it just didn’t have a name yet
it's starting
to make sense
now

how is it
that
I would do
anything
to please you
yet
I can’t
find it in me
to
please
myself

if i still flinch at the things that scare me
does that mean i'm still alive?
some days i'm not sure

i'm a stencil of a body
with a beating heart in the middle
like a stick figure
only you can't guess my letters

some say i'm a mystery
they can't figure me out
i think i'm drawn to that too
that hidden sadness inside

the more i know about you
the more i make sense

when you hurt
i can feel it
when you're happy
i can feel it

the pain is still real
i'm still alive
and we're breathing
somehow together
until one of us leaves

i still flinch because this scares me

there's an end in sight

today i am sure

kiss me goodnight

i feel closer to you
when i put words on paper

this one's difficult to write
even years later

do you believe me now?
you thought i was a liar

how could anyone love
a soul full of fire

you have demons of your own
i know it's bittersweet

see, you're a stubborn love
you're just like me

i wave goodbye to the past
because i don't wanna see

i'll love you from a distance
that's how it has to be

demons
hold me back

tether me away from the outside world

i can't go out there

don't make me go

my mind is eerie
but i know what to expect

these demons are my friends
they know me best

why did you decide
to make my body home

stop pounding on my chest
i know you're not alone

there are millions of you

only one of me

i'm outnumbered

please
just set me free

So it's been 6 years
Almost 7 now
I still remember that day
How it broke me somehow
But look what I did
I made it out
Look what I did
This is me walking out

Take one step forward
just one step
one step is progress
she tells me
but how do you take a step forward
when you don't know
which direction you are facing
It takes some time
to gain control
To rid myself from the concrete
But I take my first step
and the cement begins to break
it's left scars on my feet
they feel painful
but free
I'm wounded
but still standing
and which direction I'm headed
I don't yet know
but standing
is enough for now

You wore camouflage
I was in neon blue
You set your sights on me
But I couldn't see you
You took one shot
And then served me on a platter
You had me all to yourself
It's like I didn't matter
Is that all I am?
Just a piece of meat
Is that all I am?
Now obsolete

You're a victim
a poor, helpless
victim
You're a survivor,
you made it through

Feel grateful
it could've been worse
you could've been killed
well
I was

I was shot

Right through the naive wall
that was supposed to protect me

I was shot

By a man who knew my vulnerability

I tried to dodge the bullets
With every "no",
I shielded my face from the bullets coming at me
With every "stop",
I ducked my head
And with every moment of paralyzed silence
I failed to defend myself

I was shot

You held the knife
as I guided it into my own heart
The first time was painful;
stinging as it pierced through my skin,
paying no mind to the bones that lived there

I placed all the blame on you
But still, you kept that knife
And you learned how to use it without my guidance
Again and again

You wanted to help stitch me back together
But you don't have the expertise
So you used tape
With the slightest movement the tape would fall;
taking me with it

And I've never healed
A scar will always remain

It's been a year since you've left
maybe even longer than that
You were already gone
had your bags already packed

You waited for the day
when you could let your demons die
but along with them
was a beautiful light

The light is gone now
but somehow it still lives on
I see it right here
It's on the side of my arm

Creep is the word
it reminds me of you
A short-lived friendship
5 letters gone too soon

People don't know
when they look at me
the pain in each letter
the ones you set free

I'll carry it for you
and remember your name
murdered by demons
such a ******* shame