I wish
we lived
closer to
each other,

because,
we both
could use
a hug
right now.

I'm sorry for mumbling
so often I'm nervous
I've been told too many
times to hush
or to be quiet
if I ever heard it from you
I'd probably fall silent
for many reasons actually
you're someone who truly
f a s c i n a t e s   me..
I'd hate to bore someone
who's just so intriguing

A tear finds its way down my cheek
I smile and hide my face in a pilllow
It's been a somewhat long week
But now that it's coming to an end
And I know what's about to happen...
It's becoming so difficult for me to stay calm
Because my heart is turning to liquid.
Your voice simply melts it,
I can't begin to imagine how I'll react in person,
I'm nervous...
But I'm excited too.
There's no one else I'd rather be with than you.

I love reading your books
but cannot anymore.
I burst into tears
each time I open that door,
the one that leads into
the library of your heart.

My family doesn't reach out to me,
All weight is on me to say hi.
If I talk too long, outbursts can occur
Contradictions leave me at a loss for words

They want a relationship with fiction,
An image; or story they see me as.
I used to try to fit the frame they made
But doing that lead me down a bitter path

Now I try to accept the reality,
Who I am inside is not enough for them.
When I'm myself, I recieve lots of judgment
Or comments that I don't understand.

I don't think we're friends anymore
I'll stop coming around and banging on your door,
It's ******* days where I miss you more
But the thing I can't take is how different we are.

I value consistency in communication
You value space and a lot of distance
Both things are valid and I'm not hurt by that,
But it's hard for me to maintain our connection

Especially when there are contradicting statements.
I know how hard talking can be
But it hurts to be cancelled on so frequently
Especially while feeling full of hope for where our friendship can someday, be

I understand the need for space,
Endless trauma dumping was such a waste.
If there's anything I regret, it's being a pity case
It's a shame I can't go back and still know our history to date

But I guess that's fate,
I can't go back to undo my mistakes.
I can only move forward
And know myself better

When I would ramble to you
I didnt know the power of the letters
I wrote endlessly to you
only wanting to feel better.

I think there was a time when things between us were good
Where we knew eachother and had dreams, as kids should
Somewhere, sometime, some month or week
Things changed between us, something changed in me.

I don't like who I am with you,
but I miss the fun we had and dreams we planned,
Sometimes I wish they'd still come true
But I have a feeling they won't because you don't trust me and I don't trust you.

This Mellifluous feeling inside of my chest.
It has me ensnared in this sublime trance.
I haven't felt so close to someone in so long.
I get the urge to smile as the day passes now,
But is that so wrong?

Now you're doing the things that we once did with someone else and I'm not okay with it. I told myself I'd never allow regret to seep into my mind and I still haven't but I'm feeling sad because of everything we built time and time again that I had to throw into the trash because of the things that you said and did. I hope it was worth it for you, obviously you've moved on without tears or pain while I am the one floating in the sea of disdain. You'll always be the friend I tried so hard not to give up on.

I miss you,
the person who makes me feel whole.

I have so much shame, I can't tell where it begins
All I know, is the feeling it is.
It's a burning sensation,
that makes me want to fold in on myself,

My thoughts are so hurtful, it's as if they're in shouts.
It's intrusive and steals my energy,
It makes me want to eat tons of food
to push the feeling out of me.

It's a disgusting feeling,
I want to make it go away
and become the me I've imagined
From daydreaming every single day.

When was the last time that you read my words, and thought of me as the bird that would always be outside of your window?

The one that I love,
he's so sweet.
He lights up my dreams,
as I close my eyes to sleep.

His smile is a sight
that I always long to see.
Even when I'm upset,
his laughter spreads to me.

When things become tough
and rain comes crashing down,
despite not knowing how to swim,
I'll never let him drown.

I'm trying so hard to just keep swimming,
but more often than not, the Orcas visit me.
I'm more so floating, similar to the Velella
I keep going until I can't take anymore,
then end up washed up with the shore.

The more I recall the
things you ranted,
the more angry I feel towards you,
and all the less enchanted.

It's nice to have people around you,
who you know won't attack you.
I don't feel like I'm walking on glass anymore.
I don't have to worry about ending up crying on the floor. It's nice, how my mind isn't racing with worries. I never knew a world without you, could still be happy.

In this room,
I feel unknown.
Saddened by this,
I'd rather sit alone.

It's always as if,
my presence is dull.
I almost feel like,
there's no brain in my skull.

The people around me scorn.
Leaving me bruised; feeling torn.
And no matter how hard I try..
I'll always be "That one girl"

The girl who always cries.

Do you want to sit in the front seat?
Because I really don't at this point
when did I even start wanting to sit
there and why? Did I think it'd make
me feel more mature or somehow..
better? Than I was before or maybe
I felt closer to them since I was
sitting directly beside them..
All I know now is that I don't want
that seat that for whatever reason
became so important to me.
I don't want all these responsibilities either.
I miss the back seat and drinking mixed up
ice cream that I begged for so dearly
tell me why did I have to age; grow older
why did I long for it more than I longed to go
to the park down our road..
When did my cousins become my foe?
And why is everything so hectic; fast
*why can't everything just slow down..?

Would you shut up for five seconds?
I wish I could say this to your face,
But you'd demolish my feelings.
Lecture me about my age.

I don't have to grow up yet.
Better yet, I refuse to.
Age is just a number to me.
I ignore your opinions, I have my own views.

Seeing your smiling face
makes me smile so happily.
Hearing you laughing,
leaves my heart racing frantically.

I could never hate you
I actually miss you
but I don't want you
around me anymore.
Because you hurt me
and I end up on the floor.
But I miss you.

I lost myself in you.

I tried my best to be the best, for you.

I felt a loneliness each day as I'd wait for you to say hi, until I met the ones that helped my eyes to not cry.

I slowly overcame that rope that so tightly kept me attached to my bed, to dwell in the sadness I felt. The sadness you helped to grow.

I realized that I didn't have to be the version of me that worked with you the most. I could be the best version of me for myself, and not anyone else.

That was the moment I knew we didn't fit. It was all an illusion I had created in my head. So I wished you the best, and we said goodbye, and now to you I'll be remembered as "girl number five."

If girl number five could give you any kind of advice, she would tell you to get over all five of the girls you've had in your life before looking for number six. Maybe if you do that, six will be the one that fits with you.

I never thought I'd meet someone so intriguing.
He makes my mind go from so serious to dreamy.
It's fascinating how different, can be a good thing.
In a matter of time I was falling asleep,
To a song I'd never heard before.
It was called his laugh.
I'm so glad.

Saying goodbye is hard, but I'll do it over and over again until we don't have to anymore.

Sinking down deeper into this body of water,
that's so cold I swear I'll freeze before they notice me.

We finally said goodbye
hopefully for the last time.
It was a peaceful ending
No one ended up crying.
I laid everything out on the table
you responded calmly
I was surprised,  
for the first time we weren't unstable.

When will we say goodbye*
The thought brings tears to my eyes.
I look down at the top of my now soaked shoes.
It's raining outside, and I'm thinking of you.
My heart can't stress enough the love I once felt,
But now I have to go prepare for this drought.
It'll be tough but I'll pull through,
I can only hope that you will too.

Everything is getting blurry as
you walk away from me in fury.
So many questions run through
my mind as I take in all the times
that we've had and where we've
been. You always find new ways
to make my head spin. Knowing
that you won't be anymore tops
it all off.

I guess this is goodbye
because it was all a lie
when you see me around
don't bother saying hi
or any other kind of hello
because I'll ignore you
to avoid more pain
I should've realised
that you could see the disdain
smothered all over my face
but this is the end because I'm
tired of two worded conversations
and the feeling I get when I read
what you've written and just are
unable to delete. You still have feelings,
just not for me.

I can't take this anymore
stress is consuming me
I'm now on the floor
crying uncontrollably
because of all of you.
I no longer have room
for anyone who isn't
willing to try
Willing to try to stay
by my side
if you don't want me
in your life
then get the **** out of mine
Because I'm done.

What the **** is wrong with me?
I'm itching at my skin
trying to keep out of
this snare that is baiting me in
I'm so paranoid, I'm not sure
where I should start to begin
anything that moves inside of
this tiny room that I'm stuck in
I notice and am afraid of
but I cannot sleep- I want to be
w a n t e d ; talked to or something
don't let the bugs eat me tonight
part of me wants to stay alive.

Thanks for always staying by my side
and making me laugh, when I'm ready to cry.
You're my best friend, from you, I'll never hide.
You're the only one I want to share with my
*"I love you, goodnights"

You could tell me anything
And I'd believe you always
"Rebecca you're left handed."
"Oh, I never noticed, really?"

"Oh, wait..."
Yeah, I'd probably fall for it.
I'd take the bait,
but it's only because I trust you,
and believe the things you say.

robotic
demon
that can
sound like
a kid or a man
or a dog or a wo-
man. Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Know that I love you.



PS,

Woof



PSS,

Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.H­a.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.­Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.
Ha.Ha.Ha­.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha.

♥

I feel like a half moon in a full blue sky, Weaving neap tides, a subtle lullaby. I drift in circles, revisiting places, Wishing the wind could carry me through spaces.

Caught in a cycle, I must confess, Some days I feel whole, moments of success. Everything's beautiful when I’m truly living, Yet I always find myself back at the beginning.

Like the moon, I have my phases, A relentless return to familiar places. In an unbroken cycle, a path well-tread, Like the moon, my heart waxes and wanes instead.

I'm a half moon in a full blue sky, Weaving neap tides, singing a lullaby. Drifting in circles, retracing my steps, Wishing the wind could carry me, I confess.

In this cycle, I find my truth, Days of fullness, moments of youth. When I'm present, life is a vivid scene, Yet I always return to where I’ve been.

Like the moon, my phases are clear, Always returning, year after year. In this unbroken cycle, my heart finds its way, Waxing and waning, night turns into day

Imbalanced at heart
So often I press restart
but nothings starting over,
I'm just pushing myself back

There's so much I lack.
I'll stay in old habits,
So I don't have to face it;
My avoidance.

Even when I try to be right,
I'm still wrong.
My last finger is slipping from the dogs tail,
Will she turn around and bite me or disappear?

I sit and wait to see the ending,
But it never comes.
The globe keeps spinning
And time moves on, leaving me unwinding.

I want to cry,
I want to scream,
Everything I'm feeling
has begun to build up.
How do I let this out?
I can barely understand it all.
It's one thing after another
I think about it for a moment
and push each bad thought aside
then they all come back, together.

My heartbeat scares me,
It's keeping me awake.
I feel it thumping inside me,
I can hear it in my brain.

Maybe I'm just sick,
Or maybe I'm insane.
Maybe I'm losing it,
Or just feeling strange...

At times like these,
I wish I were home.

I hate the feeling
of my heart beating
I wish it would go away
It makes me anxious
maybe I'm going insane...
I never used to notice it,
so why do I now?