Will the silence prove deadly

Or will it be golden?

Standing in the station,
people whining cause of delays,
Second person that day
who had jumped
in front of a train
on your tube line
and I remember
almost crying
as I thought
what if it was you
laying there dying?
I wouldn't even know.
And there's no denying
that not knowing
is what kills me daily.
Not knowing
if I really knew you,
not knowing
if what we had
was true,
not knowing
if it's my heart
or ego bruised,
I'm so confused.

But I know you were too.

I hope that
beautiful mind
gives you some rest
and that asthma
allows you
to breath easy,
you find your
happiness
with or without me,
that you did
the right thing
and for that
you shouldn't
feel guilty.
That I'll care for you
to the end of time
and one day soon
  if you give me
the opportunity
i'll say this all
to you personally.

Well if you're the First thought

I guess I could only ever be what came *After

I don't know if it's good to make light of things that upset you.
I don't know if that joke takes away from the pain.
I don't know if that laugh makes me strong or a liar.
All I know is a good sense of humour has got me through time and again.

And I wonder how do I live a life without expectations when all I have are dreams?My hopes my only salvation or so it seems.

If heartbreak's the motivation,

I can't help but wonder what love will do...

Anger* comes over me
in waves of hurt
I tell myself be brave
as I brace myself
waiting for the next hit
when all I wanna
Do is lash out with it!
Cause if I were to see you
I can't deny
I don't know whether
I'd punch you in the face,
hug you or cry
Probably all of the above.
Honestly, none.
I'd bite my lip
until the silence
was justified
For I'd have nothing
from which to speak,
embrace cowardice
as I constantly back away
from confrontation,
rage simmering
in the alienation.
And I notice more so now
how I have less tolerance,
less love to give,
for giving it to you
it seems I lost it,
  seems I have
some forgiving to do
but now I've lost it!
And I scream inside
for all that I was denied.
All I denied myself.
We didn't argue
Cause you saw no
point in anger,
you didn't like to,
but I ******* needed to ,
venting is what
I need to do,
and now I feel guilty
and **** that I'm not really
cool, calm and collected,
apologetic for being me
and I don't think that's fair
We all share In despair
but I swear I take on
more than most
being considerate.
But consider it done
out-come the Claws
as I spread the cause and
cause others I care for upset
with my deMEANour
of regret
It's like I forget
that Bottling things up
Never did me no good,
It's no good for my health
I see my hands shaking
But no deals been struck yet
No terms or conditions
been set,
I'm in limbo
And it's no good
for my health
So I shake as
I struggle to accept
I'm not just mad at you
**I'm Mad at myself.

But in the end all of
what passed between us
is just part of the bigger pic
as you got to know me
better than most and ended it,
preferred me as a stranger
so estranged is where i sit,
Bench Warmer the perfect fit,
Was I Bench Warmer till you found your perfect fit?

Though it cannot
Be argued that there's
No sins here

Do good, be kind
And above all else
**Be sincere

"You're not black."

I don't care,
I'm well aware of that.
The big guy in the sky
couldn't have made me
any whiter if
I was a polar bear
stranded on an
ever diminishing
ice pack.
Irish blood got me
paler than that
pale a water
Jack and Jill
were sposed
to bring back.

But I speak
the way I speak,
not to distance
myself from identity
I just don't see
it as a matter
purely for ethnicity
cause I was lucky to be
bought up in a city
where I didn't see
  those boundaries.

Apartheid tendencies
just hide
the truth you see.
That in many ways
I'm just like you
and you're just like me
and we kiss
and make up
*humanity
though
bourgeoisie mentality
would have
divide and conquer.

But I come from
the melting ***,
*culture clash
is London's calling
and its the
richest melody
if only you'd
listen properly.

Where I can walk around
the corner to my neighbours
and converse in Punjabi
with those I consider
my extended family.
Where Mrs Henry
who lived in flat A
insisted I never
called her by her first name,
hand me and my brother
an ice pole and
send us on our way,
the Caribbean way.

No need for tolerance
when you learnt respect
for difference at an early age.
And not just respect
Appreciation
Celebration of all
these cultures
that influence me,
give me insight
so I can see
in kaleidoscope colours.

Sisters and brothers
that don't share
the same skin tone
but all call the
same place home.
And I hope
social solidarity
will one day
be found.
Like when we
were kids
in my school
playground
Because when
you look around
and I mean
really look around
you see we all
stand upon
common ground

And I don't believe
that the view
from my window
is idealistic.
And to say
"it's not that simplistic"
Is enough to justify
it being unrealistic.
Tear down Cynical City
In love I say
and in the ruins
build the foundation
Of SimpliCity Today

So I'll keep
putting the word "man"
inexplicably
at the
end of sentences
like I've done
since year 3,
embrace that
slang terminology
cause it's what I do man,
it's who I am man,
I'm *hu-man.

I guess I should grab a tissue
as you start to take issue
with everything I say or do.
It's nothing new
To push away that's what you do,
we're through anyway so it's cool.
I wish you knew my value, it's true
but I expect no less from you

**Do what you gotta do

Spotted you from that afro hair as I waited for you at the bottom of the stairs thinking we'd have a good chill today cause you avoided me yesterday but from the look on your face, that staring into space I knew what was coming, even thought about making a joke about it as we shuffled our way to the park, but this was no game, no pack of cards, hands in your pocket waiting to sit on this bench.

" I don't feel like I'm in a Relationship"
Took the words right out of my mouth so there was no need for me to speak, even in the silence my heart beat weak, till it was broken by this guy sat next to us acting commentator and referee, giving name to these strangers as they played a basketball match behind you and me. You took note and stared up, half laughed and smiled at me and I did too cause it was funny. A moment back to being care free, when we were at our best, making jokes and being silly. Return to silence pulled us from the reverie as you averted eyes again, thinking this wasn't a time for jokes but seriously I wish we were waiting to play in that match instead of sitting on this bench about to become unattached.

This too was a no contact sport , me on one side you on the other as we wrestled with what to say to each other. Eye contact replaced with sigh contact as you fought your thoughts that longed to form words out of fear you couldn't retract or take them back once spoken.

But I needed to know! So you see those hench guys playing basketball? I'd get them to come pin you down until you told me, thump you as you dump me, threats empty. But in the end you told me
" I still don't know If this is the right thing to, I don't wanna confuse you"
But it was too late for that. It could be so frustrating, indecision was your play thing, used to be endearing now you choose to be decisive end nearing.
"You're amazing" a statement that just added to the labyrinth as I realised this was inescapable I would have ran away if I was able, but I remained stable.
"Don't feel you have to spare my feelings" And I really meant it, but i also knew without hesitation you always would. Said you wished you'd met me later, funny thing time. When we met you said you'd wish you'd met me sooner but better late than never. On my birthday said my 22 years had led us to this cross roads together, but now we cross paths like we never met,  some days I wonder if we ever did.

Even though a big part of me was breaking inside, it's sad that even now I don't know if it was heart or pride as I stayed sitting by your side. Swore I could see the ghosts of us walking past the park, Sat there and zoned out recalling the first day we walked this way in the dark. You'd stayed late after college with my friends and me. Remember feeling happy that you got on with them so effortlessly, each of you teasing me. Think you stayed just to see me. Stole your hat and ran down this street, gave it to my friend to hide, had a mini water fight, got to the station and gave you a hug that I didn't think would end when we said goodbye; but not this time.

Delayed the walk away because I knew it would be the last time we'd freeze time and see each other; said this aloud ,asked if there was somebody else cause that's what all girls do right?  Stared me straight in the eye and said
"There's nobody. Are you asking cause everyone asks that?"
"No, I asked for me" said somewhat aggressively the most honest I'd been with you for weeks. Shook your head and looked down despairingly "I made you think there were other girls, I can't believe..."

I don't know if they were tears forming in your eyes or why they were there, I only ever thought I saw you cry once, heard the sobs in your bathroom and when you came out I didn't know how to comfort you just like now, said this out loud. Cause there were no tears to be found in my eyes, not yet anyway, cut off by pride. But as I got up and walked away, half hoping for that cliche "come back I've made a mistake!"
These eyes gave way to sobs I wish you'd seen so you would know that I wasn't cold or mean , that this had meant something to me beyond words...

There was a time yours meant a lot to me, but now they run over and over in my mind on repeat, haunting me. like a hit and run driver, tax disk empty. Is that what all those deep words filling up my glass were? Empty. Cruel how words last centuries.

We used to speak a lot, everyday. I wish I could say it was my receptions fault, look into the air and blame sky and satellites that I couldn't lay in bed and wish you goodnight but that's a lie. Truth is we'd drifted and I don't know if any form of communication could have fixed it.

Cause that girl you told me you think you should stop speaking to well you never did, saw her photo pop up on your messages, though I wasn't looking for it. The day I came to ask you if you were happy in this relationship. Do you know how hard that was for me? Potentially putting us in jeopardy by getting too deep. Held my hand as you ran through all possibility such was your constant diplomacy as reassurance was steadily being replaced with insecurity. But I guess jealous is what jealous sees...green. With all that constant unease this Gut couldnt be interrupted, cause I knew that this was coming for weeks. But I guess jealous is what jealous did...nothing. Brushed it under the carpet, until it took me apart bit by bit, left a bitter taste in my mouth that's why I spit.

Like that day i made a joke about faking it relentlessly tore into you till you saw right through it, said it didn't sound like a joke any more and if that's how I was gonna be you didn't wanna see me
"cause that's stress"
"do you think I'm stress?"
" not usually"
That really got to me. That made me angry that you had the cheek to say that to me, when all I wanted to do was see you that week. Cause we didn't speak like we used to, message you one day be lucky to get a reply in the next two, you know by the end I didn't even feel that I could ring you. Such was my complex about being clingy, exasperated by your distance and that gutsy unease but mainly because I'd replaced honesty with words spoken passive aggressively, turned into that girl I never wanted to be.

But it stemmed from care. I didn't think you could handle it without care. Remember how I used to trace lines across your back and brush your hair?  I didn't wanna upset you, so instead I upset me kept it inside until it did seep out, cause I didn't trust you and you could see I wasn't happy. Even now it cuts me deep to think you might have lied to me. But don't think that I don't see it stemmed from care. I don't think you thought I could handle it without care. Remember how you used to hold me in your arms and stroke my hair? Cause I do. That's what makes it hard to accept that that something was no longer there. Missing in action, loving look replaced with a blank stare. And now I'm left to fill in the spaces.

Did our relationship remind you of another? Make you miss somebody else? Did it not live up to your ideals? Got you caught up in a moment and then you couldn't back track cause you felt trapped by the kinda girl I am, the one that's down for you, the one that was down so now finds it hard to get back up.
"I love your company"
I think I made you happy briefly but now I wonder why you were with me? For comfort, a rebound, a *** thing? I don't know if the attraction was just distraction or the real thing. Was it cause you were lonely, escapism "a moment of imperturbability" when you caught a glimpse of me sleeping? Cause I didn't know what you wanted, and neither did you but it turned out to be that it wasn't me.

And that's why breaking up was the right thing to do. I wasn't ready either. You know I started getting paranoid about things that never used to bother me, like how I didn't have that black gyal *****. And slowly about other girls as I wondered if they were part of an ego trip, or the next best thing, thought about how we first got talking, how we were getting close and I wasn't aware you was with someone till you were having problems. Was you now having the same conversation about me with someone ?

I just think of all those conversations about our end and all the dodgy moments where it seemed you didn't want it to be known we were together, almost play pretend
"didn't know you were doing a thing?!"
"ahh its just a fling"
Those sly digs at me that I stopped finding  funny and started taking personally cause they sounded more like truths than jokes to me. Pushing me away indirectly but deliberately, your arm not resting on me when we last watched a movie, calling me by my first name instead of "***" All indications that we were done. All indications so I feel dumb. All those alarm bells, those preparations back to "friend" marking our end. But in the end all of that is just part of the bigger pic as you got to know me better than most and ended it, preferred me as a stranger so estranged is where I sit. Bench Warmer the perfect fit. Was I bench warmer till you found your perfect fit?

But maybe I don't give you enough credit, maybe in upset I misinterpret a lot of it. I don't know and though it kills me to say it I think we both liked the idea of a relationship but in the end our actuality stopped living up to it. But the promise we held in some of the moments we shared are hard to forget.

Late night gallavants, me backing out of pranks, singing in the street, you attempting to teach me how to cook and eat healthily, making first date brownies, chin ups in the car park, quoting me back word for word on something I'd said, it showed you listened, you could be so sweet and considerate, watching all those movies, the deep conversations, you looking after me when I was sick, snuggling up to you, biting your lip, taking your dog for a walk, that cute face he'd pull so we'd fuss over him, (I swear I love that dog) all the playfighting, me showing off and falling in a water fountain, all the banter and laughing, stealing a Boris bike and riding through the city streets at night I swear a lot of those were the best days of my life.

What was to follow, not so much.
You know when we ended I found myself in a counsellors room again, cause I never really did well with ends. It's why ellipsis is my favourite punctuation mark, I remember when you used to say
"I see through those dots"
Well I hope I do and this doesn't hold up indefinitely, now I actually hope for an ending, ironically.

Last thing I said to you was sorry an unwritten apology in a hug. Ask me why I did it I shrug. Cause I'm not sure what I was apologising for in that moment. I was a bit tipsy, at our friends get together when I shouldn't be , had only been a few weeks since our bench press talk but surely Someone who cared woulda made sure that I got back alright, but you didn't that night. I suppose I had just told you that I didn't want any contact with you and I needed space. Maybe you didn't feel it was your place. Maybe the message I sent to our mutual friend got through , you saw it and you didnt feel you needed too. See how I still explain things away for you? Like when you never came to my friends BBQ, left me alone in a group of couples asking after you. And a lot of the times after I have these thoughts about you I feel guilty, cause they don't match up with the person I see you to be, hence my apology.

I'm sorry if my sense of humour proved too crude for you at times , how I'd misjudge it and get too loud in a crowd, calling you a ***** in front of your boys for not asking me out. Telling people about us, not gaining your trust, losing my innocence to you too soon smothering our spark in lust. Sorry for how I'd stay in silence when I wanted to shout, stopped giving you an open account of how i was feeling so you couldn't figure me out. For not having the strength to remain your friend, nor the courage to bring the end to us sooner, for catching you unaware at this shindig now. Sorry I didn't live up to your first love or help heal your heartbreak and that I couldn't be that happy girl you first met at lunch break all the time, the insecurity that constantly chimed. That I proved too much for you.
Not accepting that you wasn't feelin it sooner and that you felt trapped.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you like I wanted to and now I'm jealous that somebody else is the one to look after you.
That I didn't show the qualities that meant that you would let me in, joking I was a lesbian. Sorry I expected too much, you were young just turned 19, sorry if that sounds patronising. I'm sorry if you're ever feeling alone or down, if you felt I didn't understand. But most of all I'm sorry that I compromised my honesty, honestly for that I'm truly sorry.

And as I'm being honest I might as well say the 4th of May was our anniversary when I said I wouldn't remember I lied. Just like on that day when I said we'll just see how it goes, I lied. Of course I hoped it'd go steady, but in the end you were just a Boy on a bench I walked away from cause he wasn't ready...
you were just a Boy on a bench I walked away from cause he couldn't love me.

But in truth you weren't just a Boy on a bench at all.
**You were my best friend.

So I've hit a *** note
Kicked out of office
On the kerb
Lost your vote

Of confidence?
Wrote off
Years ago
So I lost your vote

Sat in the gutter
Cause it's the only place
To see what guts are
Still I lost your vote

Made one mistake
In my masterpiece
And made my conduct(er)
Dependent on your lost vote

But as I recount this
I realise this is a dictatorship!
I'll busk for change, for myself
**But a Maestro is not dependent on votes

If word is bond

Then all we share

is *silence

I know I cared
I'm sure I did
For it had to exist
For me to now feel the absence of it

It's hard not to lose sight in pain
When it seemed any gain came at a loss
Looking at what remains
Weighing up your kind nature as its cost

Used to be someone you could call upon
But now I'll turn you away
Outrightly tell you to *******
Cause I have nothing left to say

And it hurts me

In fact today it made me feel ashamed

Yet I still maintain I need some space

Lone wolf creation, a one horse race

But when a nation
Becomes isolationist
You better hope those bonds within
Don't come loose or snap
Cause when a nation
Becomes isolationist
There might be no coming back...

**Together

Forever, Endeavour, Our Women, Our Men

Cast Away the Pain or become a Cast Away in Pain

Again and Again

Pain gets passed along a chain,
from You to Me
from Me to Him
and now we're all sat here
upset for the same reason.
But this wasn't the bonds i hoped for
or the ties I wished to make or keep.
Try to break the cycle,
but apologies just won't cut it,
for goodness sake, too weak

She couldn't love You,
You couldn't love Me,
I couldn't love Him.
Don't you wish you could
go back to the beginning?
But where do you start in a circle?
A ring has no beginning or ending
it's everlasting,
that's why it's a symbol for Love,
so if I can't exchange it
maybe in verse I can
inverse all of the above

He loved Me,
I loved You
and You loved Her
and loves a beautiful thing,
and I hope one day soon
we'll all be able to
love ourselves too,
truely deep within
and on that day perhaps
this chain will cut us some slack,
we'll be facing the right way
and will be able to see Love
and give it back.
Cause the thing about chains,
they can run either way,
joy gets passed along too
during happier days
and they will come,
surely as this chain
remains undone.

**Name's Bond, Chains Bond

I'm just questioning sanity,
hoping that if I walk this path long enough confusion leads to clarity
and that when I reach there finally,
despite countless days in the haze my eyes will be able to see.
That'll I'll be able to lie down in peace without drowning in how you've lied to me.

Cause these days I rest less,
it's why i walk around asleep.
Walking dead, so I'm writing my will free.
Hoping that if I can't trust you again,
I'll at least trust me.

They said he had commitment issues
as he hung from the beam.
Toing and froing
tolling their grief.
Change in his pockets and a crumpled receipt.
Ticket for one, a show never seen.

Pacing around him
the floorboards they squeak.
Flashes and flash backs,
some think him weak.
A life never lived
and a love ever lost.
The ending of his story its ultimate cost.

And they said he had commitment issues,
so he hung from that beam.
Toing and froing,
telling his grief.
One way ticket, discarded seat.
No place for change in his darkened genes.

I'm Lost amongst the Lost
Surrounded by the dumbfounded
Asking for direction but no one knows the way
Trying to focus in an intoxicated state
Scrambling through the crowds
To find a way out instead of through
Drifting further and further away
from the truth
Growing aloof and resentful
Sticking with the stuck
At a standstill
I choose to stand still
STOP
And stare at these people all over the place
These all over the place people
Going 100 miles per hour
But heading nowhere fast
Close eyes
And realise that this way of life ain't for me
Trapped in a vat of social distraction
Too long stuck on repeat
Tired by the tedium
I harbour some eMotion
Sidestep the commotion
But unlike so many
I'm no Escapee...

**I just aim to Break Free
So I can get back to being Me

You* shoulda been the one to see me cry.

Maybe that way I wouldn't have to live a *lie.

Forever Endeavour
Our *Women, Our Men

Together Endeavour
from Days Dawn to Days *End

Meet me on a good day
And apparently I glow

Meet me on a bad day
**SUPERMASSIVE BLACK (****)HOLE

I'm a survivor
I jacked a fiver
Got on the bus
Beat up the driver
Thought it was funny
Stole all his money
I'm a survivor
Still got that fiver!

I'm the Krispy kreme De la creme,
a  diabeaTease,
you can't handle this!
Cause you dieting?!
***** please!
Piece by piece of cake
you found your obese!
And yes the truth does hurt
but no worries
if you want something
sugar Coated I'll order you dessert...
**Go ahead and cheat

I look around me and all I see
Are complexities
People that increasingly
Confuse or frustrate me
I just don't know what they want from me
I just know that this is not where I want to be
Tryin to maintain sanity
On the cheap
So who do I say goodbye to
Who do I keep?

Stick with stuck people
And you'll end up nowhere
And yeah it may sound unfair
But it's true
Its true to me, it's true to you
Leave behind
Or get left behind

But in this you can trust

If I've got love for you
I'll come back for you
Or better yet
I'll turn round to see
You've already caught up

Haven't slept
****** mess
Up all night
To DMX
Gettin vex
Stress
Unnecessary
In excess
Need you tonight
I fess up!
Fed up
Made it up
The half pipe
Inhaled the High
For my time
And the sight
Now I'm blind
In decline
Spose to fly
But

*Yo I'm slippin, I'm fallin...

Doing work experience
in a nursery, aged fifteen.
All mood swings
and low self esteem.
Feeling self conscious
cause my face was spotty.

Little girl of about 3 
comes up to me and asks
"Do you have chicken pox?"
Proceeds to tell me
What her Mummy
had done to help hers
And if I'm gonna get up from my seat

Cause you may be Moody,
You may be spotty
But you can still come
and play hopskotch with me.

Rid me of my newly found vanity.
Made me laugh so much,
Put me at ease
That level of inquisitive innocence,
Without any judgement,
That blessed naivete.
I don't think there's a
more endearing quality.

**A little one rarely fails to
restore my faith in humanity

When my Dad used to come up in my face
And smile at me As a baby
I used to push him away
Give me my space
Jheez!

And at aged 3 when I used to rest my head
On lil blondies shoulder as we watched tv
In nursery
He  would push me off constantly,
First taste of rejection
Jheez!

And as a pre teen
When that little **** Esteban was showin off and being mean
Got my brother in a headlock till he couldn't breath
Grabbed him off, pushed him over a wall as I screamed even though he was older and much bigger than me
Made me so angry!
First time I laid hands on someone in defence of my family
Haven't had to do it since, thankfully
Shock of me switching actually made him come up after and say sorry
Jheez!

As a Teen, chillin in the park, all sunny
When this lil kid who looks half asleep
Cycling in his dressing gown
comes up to me
Asking if I wanna buy some ****
Pushing drugs?!
Someone should be pushing him on a ****** swing , he's only a baby!
Makes my heart bleed
Jheez!

And every ****** mornin
As I'm getting to where I need to be
Getting pushed onto this train
By impatient imbeciles
When there is no need
There's another one comin in 3!
So why am I hovering under someones smelly armpit all awkwardly?
Jheez!

**All this pushing, all this pulling
this game of tug of war,
really puts me on ****** edge,
I really can't take no more.
But city life is city life
Jheezus you know the score!