And now I'm caught in a Dread Lock,
Cause if Marleys to be believed then
"None but ourselves can free our minds"
But am I myself?
Am I being deceived by mine?
Mixed signals being received by mine.
tells me I'm fine,
But what if I'm not?
I'm scared to stop.
In possession of past lessons
I'm scared to stop.
But I'm lost
Paths hidden
But I tread on
Scared to stop.
Shadows thought ridden
Stalk me.
Turn round?
I dare not,
scared to stop.
Can I control it this time?
Doubt chimes.
Cornerstone of my downfall
Is doubts chime.
I'm Running out of time
Running I fall in slow motion
Tidal wave of emotion
about to hit
But am I fit to deal with it?
Last time I drowned in it.
Swallowed me up for years
I Disappeared
Overshadowed by fears
In despair I'd sit.
Can I beat it this time?
Defeat it this time?
Or will my life be on repeat
For all time?
Will I find I'm
Confined to a mind
I cannot control?
Emotions take hold.
Frozen to the spot
But I'm scared to stop!
I'm scared to stop
Cause if I do IT might catch me up...

They look at you and wish you went by a different name

Your spark just wasn't enough

To smother the pain

Left in the ashes of an old **flame

I'm over the over familiarity.
So I won't make the mistake of thinking I know you, if you don't make the mistake of thinking you know me.

Are firsts important?

I think that they are.

They mark a moment of courage

A moment of faith

A change

An experience that can shape

Your whole world view

You know I waited till 22

To change my mind

On being alone

Only to find

I would have waited

22 years more

Not to discover

What being alone

In that sense

Actually meant

And that's the truth of a bad day


But just how important are firsts really?

Firsts do not mean best necessarily

Firsts form a starting point

And once you start you may as well carry on

They're A foundation to build upon

A lesson to learn from

You know I waited till 22

To take risks, to raise the stakes

That meant I would make mistakes

Only to find

I wish I hadn't waited 22 years

When I saw how much progress can be generated

When you face your fears

All of which I wouldn't have discovered

*If I had continued to run away

I'm tired of shallow people, I'm tired of deep people, I'm just tryna go with the flow people, do what I gotta do to stay afloat people, get in my rubber dinghy and go people. Cause maybe I belong with those boat people, when dry land doesn't understand that I float people. Fish outta water I choke people. So do me a favour and forget I even spoke people...

Tryna switch the K.O to the O.K
for all those ringside but despite how hard I try I can't make everything better,
cause to say it' s all alright is a common lie.
I'm not O.K, I'm K.O
all you've gotta do is look me in the eye. But you won't.
It's hard to see ghosts haunting paths before their time
and besides Immortal Combat doesn't warrant eye contact when you've got nothing to lose in life, but there's no winners either and I'm tired,
so forgive me as I look up and cry out that immortal line.
"FINISH HIM!"
Cause right now I'd rather...

Eyes cast down I see the flaws,
All of mine, all of yours.
Stains; I wipe away at them daily,
Guerrilla janitor,
They don't pay me
But they pain me.

So what if I strive for perfection?
mop or mope away,
squeeze out the infection,
but its a fiction
the clean slate don't exist
when you work in the permanent
they'll be no ExtINKtion.

So I guess I'll take the flaws,
All of mine, all of yours.
Clear some flaw space as
I take the floor
Make my acceptance speech
And explore
this imperfect notion.
Pry back the boards
and discover that
They keep us grounded and
In their absence
We wouldn't be who we are.

Let it never be said that I don't care
                     In this cynical state I float
                           But look a bit closer and sea
                                   I'm holding onto *Hope

Going back to what you know.
All the signs tellin you to stop,
Reroute, it's not the way to go

It's just not the same,
Couldn't be maintained
Left to decay
in the time lapsed
collapsed and what remains
is a husk that just adds to the
echo of the pain
you ran here to escape
Walls of dust clinging onto the pasts shape
Dissipating
Fallin away
Fillin your lungs
along with all those things you failed
to get off your chest along the way

And you wonder why you can't breath?
Why your heart got so heavy it fell off your sleeve?
Why your mind stole your dreams and now you can't sleep?
Why your faith was overrun by your worries and now You can't believe?!

Even here Collapsing on your knees
choking back the tears
As you try to put it back together
piece by piece

But it's gone.

There's nothing here for you anymore
You must leave
the road lead nowhere
And nowhere is where this road leads
A circle always comes up empty
No matter how far you reach

Be an exile.
Find your feet
In less polluted airs
Fill up those lungs
Where you have space to breathe
Pick up that heart
with the strength it took to take the leap
Towards the Fresh Start
no decay, no debris.
Come out the Dark
you'll be ok, you will see
well enough in time
to carve your own path
Be Free

I'm sorry that you think
I opened my legs
and closed my mind to you.
I'm sorry that
that was partly true
because my feelings
I no longer knew
how to speak to you,
But I hoped I could show you,
Through my body,
through acting as
release for you.
Even though I knew
freedom in another way
is what you'd choose...
From me...to you
I'm sorry that every time
you slipped into me
I slipped a little further
away from you.
And that when I cried
that night unexpectedly,
wasn't because that intimacy
was overwhelming,
it was the distance
I felt in that closest
of moments,
first time I
experienced lonely.
And I'm sorry
cause this was not
what I had planned.
But most of all I'm sorry
that I couldn't
make you understand
all I really wanted was to
hold your hand .



*And now as we Part I Wonder Who will Restart this Handheld Heart?

You never liked me,
              
              you never loved me
                            
                           and you never could.
                                
                       ­          Cause you never saw me,

                          you never knew me

       and you never *would.

And now I feel like a fool
                
             cause it seems
                     I played
                         the game
                               all wrong

                                    all in the
                         attempt to not
                    play at all

No more to give.

                         Not much more I can take.

           So where does that leave me?

                 **Stock piling whatever
                      I have left in this
                  inventory of memory.

I used to think if I'm gonna have mistakes let em be rare.

But then I realised there's no learning there.

No fun.

So If I'm gonna have mistakes at least let em be *well done!

"Loads of guys talk to Rhi"
On a day such statements and possible insinuations don't **** me off
they actually entertain me.

What do people think of me?
What do they really see?
Used to be a source of teenage paranoia
Now I'm more intrigued

It's 6 am,
After party at Mag's house!
Everyone's sleepy
Sun's coming up
Smokers coming in and out from the balcony
Sliding doors
Dawn chorus
Sat in the darkest corner
On a wicker chair
Tryin to go unseen
Feelin I look a state
Makeup has started to fade
No longer hiding me
No one in this room
Would know though
About that insecurity
Had me Avoidin mirrors
When out since the age of 15
That's a long time to not be
able to face yourself

But now this young guys facing me
I've sparked an interest you see
Half cut Johny who I shared the car journey
Back with has been spreading the word
That I do carpentry
And he's intrigued
So he's crouched down beside me
Eyes wide open,
Probing me, testing my knowledge
Rollin off his story of going off the rails
And joining the army
But how carpentry gives him some peace
I smile, I listen, I speak
Shake his hand
As he introduces himself as Steve
Asks if he's steppin on anyone's toes
Cause he believes the Dj
That's followed us back
For the after party
Is my boyfriend
Cause we were talkin
And he was stood next to me
I laugh at how fast
Assumptions are made
In the dark
It's kinda funny
He feels awkward now
Says it's nice to meet me
Leaves
Sigh of relief

Why do loads of guys talk to Rhi?
The banter most probably

Hear Dj taking the Micky
(Turns out to be his name ironically)
As he walks back in
Tryin to set up his sound system
Steve says get some Scart leads
We're cracking up
I say something off the cuff, witty
He Spuds me
I'm a "bro" after all right

What do you do?
I dance
But you was stood behind me all night!
Ha! No, just for a bit,
I was watching what you was doin
He starts telling me about beats per minute
I ask him bout the Djing
How I'm interested in doin it
We Banter about how he'd teach me
How I'd be his prodigy
I think he means it

Says we got him in trouble with the club
For changing up his set
Cause we were goin in
We were feelin it
Asks me to guess where he's from
I say You look mixed race
But I bet your Cypriot
Says he's Half Turk, half Greek
That's why things didn't work out
between Mummy and Daddy
Chuckles softly

He's a Barber during the week
Cut Rita Oras hair the other day
Shows me the tweet
He's likable, pretty sweet
Says he's glad I'm there
Cause he doesn't know anyone here
And he'd have no one to talk to
A shy dj
Looks like Drake
Kind of a giveaway
His Nose is running
I say
what have you been sniffing
Grinning teeth
Smiles and shakes his head
How can you say that
To Someone you've just met?!
You're cheeky!
Asks if I smoke or do drugs
When I reply no
He jokingly asks to marry me
I say where's the ring?
He gets out his keys
Puts it on my finger we laugh
Who knew getting a wife
would be that easy?
Calm down sunshine!
my games more stealthy

But I reiterate
"loads of guys talk to Rhi"

What do they mean?
I'm a guys girl
Always have always will be
If this night has confirmed anything
It's that
Certain females just don't warm to me
Give them a compliment
They're ******* me
Make a joke
They're ******* me
Dance by one
Accidentally knock her phone
Out her hand she sits down immediately
Face of thunder
I Say sorry,
Skulk off awkwardly
Beat myself up about it momentarily
Then get annoyed and think **** it
Head back to where I'm meant to be
Just the dance floor and me
Where I get smiles and laughs and looks
I can't quite decipher
"White gyal skanker!"
Mutter out apologies as I stand on
Some guys toes
Tells me no worries I'm a dancer

Hell I'm a flirt too!
I speak to guys cause
it's what I know how to do
It's easy conversation
It's fun
But I know that when this nights over
it's all said and done
No need to mention
I have no true intention
Of speaking to or seeing these people again
Maybe I should
Maybe that's how I'll make connections
But for now I'm tired but it's a good tired
I feel at peace
There's something wonderfully dreamy
About the after party
People slowly waking up from the make believe of the night
As they're fighting off sleep
DJ Micky making his way out the door
Shoutin back
Make sure you message me!

I won't

For now It's time to head home
I take my leave
As I exit
Wave bye to Steve

Thinkin Why is it guys talk to me?

For the same reasons anyone would really
I listen
I guess maybe I put them at ease

I don't hate you.

          I just hate the hurt
              
                         you contributed to.

The HEART wasn't made to HATE
                    
               It's the HEAD that HOLDS onto that

                                        To HIDE the HURT

It's hard out here for an idealist,
I wanna make everything better
Heal any rifts
You know I hate when people I
care about become strangers,
I feel bereft
I've never lost someone I didn't want to lose outside the parameters of death
Until now
And I actually cannot bear it.

I run through every possible way
I can make it alright for me, for you
At times it feels so simple, so easy
Flood my mind with elated images
Of reconciliation
All the love I could convey in one hug
To show you it really is all love
That I'd be there for you no matter what
That all we shared was real
And that I cared a lot, I care still
But just as I'm about to act
One small thought reminds me how I feel

Cause the thing is I'm an emotional idealist
And emotion doesn't always bode well with ideals
And it can take one thought, to spark one emotion that will send that ideal image to hell

I don't want to look at someone who used to make me smile like no other and feel sad
And I don't want you to look at me see I'm not smiling and feel bad.
I wish you would have trusted me to open up
I could see you were in pain
But I was too afraid to ask
We'd gone too far
I couldn't give up my hopeful ideals of us

Sometimes I wish we would have ended sooner
Like before we begun
Cause if you wasn't ready
You had no business being with me
Being number one
We were friends right? We were close no?
Then why was I rebound? Am I wrong?
But maybe you didn't realize
Until we were too far gone.
People mistake that I want forever
But being truly loved that first time
Would have been enough
Even if it didn't last

Friends Singing Frozen to me "let it go"
I don't want to though
I can't
No!
Frozen in this turmoil
Where nothing can grow

They can say look at the good times,
Remember how happy you were
But now I think
What if they were just a ******* lie?
Doubting my own experience
The frustration and confusion
Enough to make me cry

Should I take comfort in the fact
That I was a comfort to you for my time?
It's a good trait right?
But who gives me mine?
Equality time (remember that?)
Shouldn't things be shared and divided equally
Or is it just a one way street?
Shouldn't love just be given unconditionally?
Would you even accept it off of me?
Or would you just feel guilty?

Sometimes I hate my emotions
Cause they stop me from forgiving you
Walking away from you is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do
And I have to forgive cause I could never forget you
I hope I don't forever regret you
Or dismiss you
I hope one day I'll be able to look you in the eye again, give you a hug
And just let you know that I miss you

**Cause I do, I really do.

I love you very much

I love you more than I show
And much more than I say

But know
if there's one thing I do
It is love you

Choose your conflict.*

                           *Internal

             ­                       Or

                            EXTERNAL?
­
                                      **It's gonna be one

They say that we can't accept in others

              what we can't accept in ourselves....

                      

                   I must be a **** then!


                                    XD