There are a million different ways to feel,
Pain and fear, before you start to heal.

Sometimes it comes all at once—
A punch to the gut, a kick to your shin.

Other times it’s like a haunting echo,
Nibbling in the depths of your mind — a soft bellow.

Late at night when you toss and turn,
It creeps upon you with a slow, aching burn.

If too much catches you by surprise—
You burst fast and bright, like fireworks against the night sky.

Try to control it and it fancies a little dance with you,
Little contractions to keep you on your toes—
slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Never mind the anxiety you try to hide,
That feeling between Fear and Pain,
It is Agony, but you can call it any other name.

We share words
You and I
Jokingly, mischievously and viciously.

We talk
You and I
Our conversation a dance.

This is what we have
You and I
We can never have more.

And that,
Is all.

Every Saturday it is the same
Every Saturday I sit
I stare at the ticking hands and wait
No need to tell me I've been tamed

As the seconds pass
I watch my reflection in the glass
It is a wonder, I think
That I still look the same as the second before that passed

Yet inside I know a little more has died
Each tick brings me one step closer
To where you have gone
To a place of peace and sound.

And one day, many years from now
Someone will sit and wait,
Looking at the face that is at once theirs and not
And remember the hour of my passing,
Just as I sit and wait and remember yours.

Before I turn old and grey,
And begin to fade away,
Hold on to me tight
So I won’t slip away into the night.

So I didn’t turn out in your image
I can’t sing I can’t dance
I can barely put a tune together
On the ***** stashed away
I have tried and failed
Again and again
Like a broken tape recorder
Echoing in a desolate house
I have become
A tattoo you can’t scratch out

I can’t read the stars
I can’t see the future
What I can read is what is in front of me
What I can see is this moment
All I can be is me

It’s a riddle to some
It is to me I admit
It sneaks up to me as I lay down
My head on my pillow
My brows furrow
Thoughts burrowing deep.

This is the fear,
The unseen,
The uncertainty, for all I know, may win,
Clawing it’s way up my spine.
I shut my eyes then snap them open
To remind myself I’m still alive.

I can’t wait
But I also can’t stop
The feeling of dread
That bundles and grows
As the minutes drop
One by one like lead.

When does it begin?
Or better yet, end?
When will it come?
When will it go?
It’s one of life’s riddles -
I just don’t know.

So I lie in bed and wait...
The ticking of the clock my only mate.

It's part and parcel of growing up,
The things you gain and
The things you lose.
The pain you feel
When the shelter you've had couldn't protect you
Your mind reels
Your stumble, your fall,
The feeling of losing it all;
You're not in control,
But a pawn in Life's thrall.
You're never sure,
You're surely lost,
It's better to admit it now,
Then let your pride rule and before
The higher you climb,
The faster you fall.
It is a fact, you can never have it all.

The moon looms
Big and bright
It has been some time
Since I’ve sat
Basking in the silence of the night
I can't believe
Being alone could be noisy
As I sink into its depths
A million thoughts whirl
Stealing my breath.

How many times?
Have I followed this line?
I can't be sure
Feelings leftover
Like wraiths they linger
Silence ringing in my ears

The nights are cold
The roads are rough
But tremble not
You know you're tough
The fact you've put in effort is enough
It's ok to sit back, enjoy, and laugh

The nights are long
The journey gets tough
You brace yourself
Enough, you think, is enough
You put your foot down
And stomp real hard
You've come this far
They'll just have to let you pass

The table has been laid
The cards shuffled and spread
It's all or nothing
A bead of sweat dripping

It's a one-way street
You can’t turn around
Stop in your tracks, think
But take heed, there's no going back

Like a sword to its mark
Swinging a wide, graceful arc
Slicing through doubt with fear
Don't try to return my dear

Fly over the mountains
Soar over the hills
Find the sea yonder
With the wind in your sail

I thought that you would be the one
You put images I wanted down
You had the power to make me smile
You had the skill to make me frown
I loved the flowers you gave
Even if they were brown

Too bad our legs untangled
Our hands no longer hold
The future I once thought I saw
Are but memories that now thaw
Like ice under the sun
Dripping in puddles of flaws

This is what a Lover means
What “could have been”
What would never be
No longer what is and what will be
I move forward with you
Lingering faintly —
In the recesses of my memory

This is what a Lover means
Awkward, silent, cruel
Having gruel
With a fork and knife
Grey and slippery, sloshing in a bowl
A trial to all

You could have been my present and my future
My boyfriend, husband, lover
But now you are no longer
I will not wait for you hence
Not now, not ever.


This is what a Lover is,
You are but a Lover,
Not made to be my forever.

Sometimes I try to sleep
It's a small step I take to keep
All the noise in head

Sometimes I struggle to breathe
Another step everyday
To keep the rhythm in my head

There are times I fight to keep
The white noise ringing in my vision
White lights blaring in my eye

In these times I try to stop
I fight to think, lock my feet, grit my teeth
If I fail I sink, I crash and burn

Times like these are trials I'll keep
In my pocket, a silent raging noise
I won't forget, I won't regret.

I still have your picture
It sits in my wallet
I don't quite know what for
When you've been moving on

I still kept our picture
We were all smiles then
Once in a while I'll take a peek
As if it were playing hide-and-seek

I look out for your pictures
It's pathetic and I know
You're trying to move on
Still some part of me hopes you won't forget
I am still here; I want to be your friend

I am trying to let go
But my thoughts only burrow
Digging deeper and deeper
Bringing me to places
I no longer want to go

I am fighting to let go
Each push I make is slow
Languid and shallow
Blow does the wind blow
I feel like I'm sinking low

I am hoping to let go
To and fro, to and fro
My thoughts and actions go
Back and forth but oh
Hope is a blessing and a bane
On this path I cannot remain

I am letting go
Goodbye to what I know
I'll try my hardest to grow.
The yoke is round my neck
But I shall move the plough
I can take it nice, I will take it slow

Should I let the current pull me away from land?

Breakups are like being uprooted from your home,
Pulled away from the familiar
Things you're comfortable with and things you've known
Finding yourself in the weirdest situations
Not quite comfortable in your skin

I've lost the boy who sang to me
I've lost what I thought was meant to be
I can no longer look at this place without remembering the times we had
A sin I indulge in when I'm feeling sad
I'm lost and I'm not sure if I can be found
I hope he sees this but I hope he's bound
I can't make up my mind
The words choke me up
I drown

This is not a poem
This is not a song
I can't think of either
Without my smile going down

This is not a sonnet
This is not a love song
Those were what we exchanged
But you've buried me down
Locked me up
Tied me down
I hope you're happy
I hope you won't frown
I hope you know I love you
I think you should know
Even now.

I hope you see this
But then I hope you don't
I hope you've found someone
But I hope you don't

This is not a poem
This cannot be my song
I cannot claim to keep
What was so fleeting
So transient I tripped

Sometimes it starts
It's faint, but quaint,
Whispering across your skin
A breath, the fog
There's no need to talk
Silence is all you need
In your conflicting state of mind.

You sit, it speaks
Volumes to me
Words can't quite convey
Your thoughts, your feelings,
The rushes of contrary
Swirling in your contradicting states of mind

You hesitate, and take a little light step
Making a mockery of grace
But then you taste the rain in the air
You decide that life's never fair
Pretty or just, both seem to rust
Leaving you with the unrestful state of mind.

Hello my old friend
It's been sometime since we spent
Time and space together
Feeling as light as a feather

Did you feel the weight of today's weather?
I couldn't help but take a breather
It's been sometime since we spent
A nice day cuddling together

When you call on me now
You're either drunk or asunder
I can't decide if I should feel like cheap leather
Part of something old, becoming a bother

Why do this now?
Does it make you feel better?
I hope it does,
So it makes one of us.

I am the weight
I held you down
Kept you from flying too far
Anchoring you with gravity

But now it's over
I've been released
I am the weight no longer
I float from place to place

I need a new anchor
Pull me back down
Don't leave me to suffer
Don't leave me to drown

I wasn't made to fly
But every balloon needs a tie
I'll be your anchor
If you'll be mine

You can be my light
Complement my weight
When it becomes unbearable for me
You'll help me fly

When your lips touch mine
When our bodies intertwine
I can't think straight
You're like a hook and bait

Arms and legs and hair
Minds in a mess
Limbs entangled
But we just don't care

When we get this way
I can't turn away
So I can't be this way
Don't make me sway

We both know the ending
We discussed, saw it coming
There's no use running
The tears are plenty blinding

I was yours and you were mine
Both our hearts would beat in time
I'm no longer yours
And you're no longer mine
Take heart dear
We'll both be fine
With the sands of time
Wash away the salt and brine
Over time we'all both be fine
We'll smile again
Just as friends
Our hearts on the mend.

We were happy once
You and I
Joined at the hip
Time passed us by
Stuck like glue
You and I
Friends shook their heads
Walked on by

How did we end up like this
You and I
We were supposed to be strong
You said you would try
And I could not deny
You and I
For we met eye to eye
Times passed us by
You and I
What happened to us
I wonder why
How did we end
You and I
How could we end
But I can no longer deny

We have ended now
You and I
The past now a memory
That may be left behind
By you and I

they shine from afar
those tiny globes of light
beacons in their own right
they last on through the night

Guides in the dark
They're always there
Sober or drunk
Quietly waiting in the dark

Streams of words from your friend
Advice she gave
Friend-to-friend
Was always made to bend

Words never set in stone
They twist, yes, they turn
Like the tiny lights
Ephemerally exust from time to time

sometimes time stops
everyone freezes, expressions still
friendships hit a stalemate
one step forward or one step back?
no one wants to commit what they cannot take back

sitting on the fence
is the new way to make friends
no one wants to be bad
but no one stands up for good
everybody just wants to be a piece of the neighborhood

you can't always win
you won't always lose
but no one wants their neck in the social noose
its the art of chasing a wild goose
but you will never win if you're afraid to lose

people speak but they don't talk
i love the cold weather; oh yes talk light as a feather
on the inside they cut and grieve
but no one wears their heart on their sleeve
everyone judges, everyone leaves

you think you know but you don't
you think you've tried but in fact you won't
you think you're winning but you're not
you think you're free but you're a dead knot
you think you're getting by, but really, it's a lie.

all that glitters may not be gold
all that shines may not be mine
all that sparkles may still die
all that tempts may still wither with time.

you don't have to try so hard
I can still understand your heart
you only need to open up
i promise i won't cut you up
i will be there till the end
i will walk with you, just because, my friend.

I've known you for many days
I've watched your many ways
If I could I would
Kiss the side of your face
Every single day
I've missed you a million ways
I've hugged you till we parted ways
Still it's not enough
To smell your scent I'd bury my face
Into the crook of your arm
Into the side of your face
I'd crawl and curl up beside you to sleep
So I'd wake to see a new day
So I'd wake to see your face
So you'd make my day
So I can love you a thousand ways
Over and over again

In the city she faced two streets
One brightly lit and full of treats
Opposite of the first the second your attention could not keep
Life there seemed to be fast asleep
Perambulating to and fro
Unsure of which way to go
She finally stops and sits to think
Her feelings filling to the brim
Toying at the edge they sit
Taunting and daunting
Her growing fear
But she straightens her back
And holds her chin up high
Challenging her feelings straight in the eye
"I am not afraid to die.
There's nothing I fear more than living a lie."
She took the second street at a run
The blood in her veins humming.

this is the place that quiets the sounds
soothes my soul and stills my mind
fast-racing thoughts slow in pace and find
their places in the compartments where they lie
in wait until i call them to life
with pen and paper
i write them line by line
without you i might have lost my mind

i sit and think in this place
my sanctuary when the world goes awry
its alright to be quiet
its alight not to smile
even better if you do not talk
but share a comfortable silence
be physically near
smell the books and their aged spines
tell their stories that came before you and i

beautiful mix of words
from the songs that call
to my soul
out on the landing
that friend i forgot to send home
taught me how
i could save a life
but it was too late to apologize
cold and ashamed,
i lay naked on the floor
i was calling you at 3 a.m.
i just wanted to hear your voice
to tell you that
when i'm gone you should carry on
when i cried you wiped away all of my tears
i'll never be able to thank you enough
and i will never surrender

The whir of the engine
In the dark night
Marquees blur as the car drives by
Night lights flash and fade

High on music
Lights and sound
Feeling alone in a crowded room
Bodies all around
Alive and loud but without a sound

Booming beats
Spreading numb
Becoming someone I shouldn't become
Unraveling in revelry
The threads are undone

there is a space i like to visit
in between sleep and wake
like walking in transit
the destination unknown and unsure
that little space, that tiny sliver
makes my spine tingle and shiver
the opposite of adrenaline rushes
the feeling spreads like a gentle brush
you never quite know when you enter
you only know that you entered
time has no say
no one can hold sway
not when you're in the place
this little bit of transit space
no one will understand
until it is there that they stand
a place that you have been
never a place that will be seen.

Can you play a happy tune?
Can't you write a cheerful song?
Sad to say the things I write
Really do not come close.

Melancholy visits me sometimes
Loneliness engulfs my mind at night
Sorrow fills my lungs
Sometimes I struggle with life

The moonlight sits by me
Shedding me some light
And in the darkness it guides me
I hold it with all my might

Till the next day comes
The sun once again shines
Cutting across the dark
Bringing me back with silent delight

I watched the sun
It set fire to the sky
But it cannot compare
It is nothing like you and I

The black v's move in the distance
It is like the painting I once made
Nothing but dots
In the fiery sky

The mountains unmoving
Sit so still, never changing
When the land is shadowed
Hush greets the arising moon

A graze, a scratch, a cut,
These little things that hurt me much
The blaze in your eyes
Your aggressive voice
Hurt me ten times more

*Do you know what it does to me
Can you feel the way I cringe
When you speak I flinch
When you shout I fall
Turn your back and I crumble
I have never felt this miserable

The false gestures
The fake smiles
I can see them coming from a thousand miles
What you did - I never saw that coming
I can't say it wasn't disappointing
But it's not like you can hit reverse

You think you're right
Maybe you just wanted a fight
But you couldn't even listen
And my tears stay glistening
Rolling down my cheeks

Have you ever thought about
What you do to me
Where do you leave me
How can you get me
Who said the world was round
He was probably as high as the sun

Come and play in the land of the lost
They who stay will come
They will host
They will charm

Take a stroll along the beach
Moonlight high in the sky
Trail the bank that lines the lake
Boatman glides and ripples the shine

The breeze blow across the land
Whispering trees with bent branches plan
The revelry in secret groves
In corners lost and never known

Fairies shimmer among the leaves
Imps grinning and hanging from the trees
Laughs that ****** light and low
Send me shivers across the land and though

Sleeping children are far away
Tucked tight in their beds
Their dreams hold sway
On their minds when they open sleepy eyes the next day

Again at night they hear the laughs
From a land beyond
That reality has lost

Eyes stare dark and deep
Light leaks streaking by
Countless tunes humming by
On and on she stares
Until he has nothing left to bare

Taut and tense
That charge in the air
Fingers pulling at her hair
Her lips hold their corners curved
Mona Lisa hiding in their folds

Secrets swimming in her dress
Round she twirls amidst the stares
They watch enthralled as she turns and gaze
Her lids heavy and her hands wave
Tender touches are what they crave
But she will take her love

Fragile and frail is that love
That she holds far above
She cannot see
Neither will she feel
Until the film ends on its reel
Until she long sleeps in the field

The lady who loved and gambled
Now the lady who lost
Never to come back
Her eyes die
All fades to black
Nothingness there

many a type of silence
will be encountered in life
some lingering unwanted
some sorely bygone and lamented

pleasant silences in happiness
silence that hums when enjoyment comes
excited silences before a crowd goes wild
smiling silences when a baby is born

then the unpleasant, miserable and down-trodden
black doom that throws gloom
rumbling and groaning drown
the sea of despairing frowns

have you heard the silence
whispering in your ear
feeding in the dark
feeding on your fear

it can hear your thoughts
the nagging worry
grief and sorrow brew
silence a black hole it grew

hiding in your blanket
your little safety net
praying it will go
but that was ages ago

What hides in the grey sky this morning?
Concealed behind looming clouds
A strong wind comes
Shaking everything in its wake

It does not hear pleas
It refuses to see reason
Like the fear that comes
With somethings unknown

Trees sway, branches flailing,
Fallen leaves fly with the wind
Across the sky they fall far from the tree
Bit by bit, they lose their memory

No hint of life on the roads
Not even a wisp of a soul
None dare thread
Where the fierce wind blows

Whenever you smile at me,
I try...
I try not to smile to myself
But my lips betray me
They move slowly over time
Corners turn upwards and curved line

When your eyes crinkle at the corners
I try...
I try not to notice
How long your lashes are
Or how your eyes reflect the light

When you laugh and double over
I try...
I try not to wonder
What made you laugh so hard
Or why I'm not laughing even harder

I try...
I try so hard to pretend not to care
When in fact I do, I really, really do
And all I need is for you
To try to notice that I need you.

Three-thirty in the morning and I
Can't stop thinking about you
You've taken me places that I never thought
I never thought I could be
The cool chill of the Spring night's breeze
Makes my hair stand on end
But let's not pretend
You leave the same effect on me

You know what you do to me, don't you?
When we met for the first time
it felt like its been a long long time
That I've known you
And you just took my breath away

My eyes are heavy and the world has worn me down
But with you I can never firmly frown
You've made me happier than I've been
I've been in a long long time
Like a branch in a tree
You've grown to be a part of me
It's not like I can easily be
Far apart from you

floating on air
slipping on ice
hardly hear the rolling dice
have no eyes
i cannot see
what it is i'm meant to be

drops of rain hitting the pane
rays of sun
shots ringing from a gun
have no ears
i cannot hear
what it is i'm meant to fear

petals of a flower
feather touch of my duvet cover
blades from a knife silver
have no heart
i cannot feel
what it is i'm meant to touch

i cannot see
i cannot hear
i cannot feel
what worth have i
when it is a non-being that am i

By the bus stop
By the lake
By the curb beside my leg
In the sun
Or in the rain
In the cold
I'm shivering in
Wait wait wait wait
Waiting for the falling rain
In a drought has never been
I am atoning for my sin
Wait wait wait wait
Waiting for the flowers to bloom
In a winter storm has never been
I am barely holding it in
Wait wait wait wait
For the love of god
My soul to take
I cannot run from my fate
If it is to waste away while I wait

I could measure the tips
Of the mountain tops
Peak to peak
With my small hands
Minuscule they were
Those tiny mounds
Yet up close
They tower high
Peaks in clouds
In mystery and shroud
Like your mind is to mine
Your thoughts elude me
Far and high
I cannot deny
That this does terrify.

should he love you,
he will not leave.
like the spring breeze,
intertwining with leaves in trees,
your hearts are wound.

should she love you,
she will not leave.
as sure as the waves crash to shore,
as the moonlight reflects the water's ocher,
she will be there for sure.

lovers together are stronger
than the gust that separates
        the leaves from trees,
than the waves that crashes
        on the sands of time,
even though promises lie broken
their hearts still awaken
when their other halves are near

I can hear the echoes of the tunes
You sang on the first of nights
I hummed along
And before long
The tune made a home
In my head
You sang those tunes
As the strings were strummed
The crowd swooned
Please, sing me a tune.

Sometimes you don't have to speak
I can understand without a squeak
When we lay side by side
Your breath in time with mine
When we go out together
And see something queer
We only have to swap looks with each other
So don't say you're okay
When I know you're angry
Don't be afraid to make me cry
I'm more afraid of times
When our hearts don’t align

I'm sorry if I hurt you
Those words weren't meant to
But we share everything
Big or the tiniest of things
So those feelings I had
Were put into those words
I hope they weren't too bad
I only know forward
And now I can't take them back
As long as you know how I feel
You'll still have me on your reel

If words were leaves
Rustling in the breeze
Whispering with ease
Thoughts and feelings
I will then say
There will never be enough leaves
On any tree
To express me
No words would be able to break free
To get to you from me.

The crinkle in your eyes
Was made to never die
I can see hope reflected in them
When side by side we lie

The greatest love
Could also be the greatest hate
No one but us can dictate
Both our fates

So side by side we lay
As night turned into day
And the silence faded away

You once had me in the palm of your hand,
But you squeezed too hard,
I could not breathe,
I could not shout,
And now -
I
Just
Want
To
Be
Let
Out.

I cry and scream,
Kick and flail,
Silent anguish turn into wails,
Oh how our love so frail,
Is
Gone,
Has
Failed.

Curled into a ball she sits,
Too shocked for a tear to leak,
Her heart a stone
Dragging her down
To a place of forever frowns
Rough and tumble
Lay her down
Wouldn't you lift her frown?
Red blood now turned dark brown
She may never turn back around
Hearts so heavy never make a sound
As she slowly sinks to the ground
Waiting for her love,
Waiting to be found.