It's calling my name
Soft as a whisper
But I muster up the strength
and walk away

Its calling my name
Yelling and screaming
as if I don't go to it I will die
Screaming a blood curdling scream
Threatening me with all of its being
but I find the courage to walk away

Its calling my name in every conversation
gently caressing my face
as it says sweet things to me
Trying to convince me its a good idea
but a sigh and a count to ten
I walk away

Calling my name in every laughter
tickling my belly
reminding me of the old times
All the old laughs and jokes we used to have
But I push it away and walk away

Calling my name as it wipes away every tear
telling me all the lies it has always told
              " I'll be there for you"
               " Trust me, we can change the world"
                "This time won't be like the last"
                  "Just trust me"
But I push it away and walk away

It calls my name as my world is crashing down around me
whispering everything I need to hear in my ear
Making me smile when tears fill my eyes
I let my walls come down
I still resist it
       pushing you away
       then pulling you closer
it's touch slides down my throat with a sense of comfort

       A rush of guilt floods me
       As I welcome it back in to my life

       Just as I said it would never be apart of my life again
I can't leave it behind for the night
It shall come home with me
Come to bed with me
And never leave me

As I allow it to touch me deeper and deeper
Ignoring the effects on my judgement
Ignoring what tomorrow will be like
Because tonight
It holds me close  

With a comfort no other being has ever given me
It whispers my name in my ear
in the most beautiful tones
How can I ever say goodbye

Close my eyes tonight
In hopes of happiness and peace
Using  my determination as a light
To scare away the darkness and the monsters that comes with
Its hard to manage when you don't mind the dark some days
Don't mind walking in the dark
Prefer it most days
But that’s in this world
Not the world of my head
In the world of my head I have to shine this light around
And push it all away
So I can keep pushing forward
So that I can explore the new part of my mind
That is attempting to take over my world as we speak
I've already decided it can't have it
I won't let it squelch the things I've worked so hard for
Determination it shall fear
And I shall not fear it
No matter how hard it pushes
I may have to step back
But I refuse to stand at the bottom of this mountain
And pretend everything is ok.
I've already attempted that
I've already looked for the answer at the bottom of a bottle
The answer isn't there
The answer is in Determination and patience
Forgiveness of myself.

Your smile lights up the room every time
But lately it's gone missing
Like the sun hiding behind the clouds on a spring day
Everyone begins searching for it again
I see the light switch in your eyes has been switched off
I'm trying to reach it for you
Trying to help you find your smile
But I just can't reach the switch yet
Please don't give up on yourself
We'll flip that switch together
I'll hold your hand through this darkness and wipe away the tears that streak down your face
Because warrior doesn't mean superhero
We'll bring that sun out again
just one day at a time
I'll help you find the light again
just hold my hand
We'll take this storm on together
one day at a time
Just don't let go!

I just want to love you
I want to hold you so close that I can hear the organs inside work
I want to love you like the love of a puppy
so unconditional so excited
and nothing could break us apart
Do you understand?
I need you to see me
I need you to look my direction as though I am the rays of sunshine that cam out after the rain
Do you understand?
I want to dress your wounds like the doctor
sew your wounds shut and kiss the pain away
Do you understand?
I need you to see the imperfections I hold
I need you to hold my insecurities like the are gold
I need you to see the perfection we could be
Do you understand?
Because though I am scared
I want to love you
We could be one plus one
Never again alone
Do you see it?
Do you understand?
I just want to love you forever

Like a small child sitting in the corner
Searching for their lost toy
Trying to understand why they're all alone
tears streaming down my face
Wondering where they all went
they had promises and hope to give
Yet while I sit in this corner
searching for the words my voice cannot say itself
The other corner is empty
This never-ending darkness is holding me hostage
Trying to remember how I go here
Struggling to remember what the light is like
Just searching for the comfort of a mother
the understanding of a friend
the protection of a father
tears wiped away
Running from the struggle sounds tempting
but I'm ready to take it face on
Ready Set Go

I sit next to you in class everyday
We generally have good conversation
But lately I've been worried about other things
Wondering if you can hear
the growl of a large K-9 coming from my gut
Wondering if you can see my curves disappearing
slowly at first but then all at once
I sit next to you in class every day
wondering if you notice me slowly fading away
I sit with you at dinner
We generally enjoy a meal together
But lately the food on my plate has been getting less and less
As it if were slowly disappearing
And I wonder if you notice the change
I wonder if you see the curves of my body disappearing
Slowly at first then all at once
I sit with you at dinner
Wondering if you see me fading every so slowly
I hug you tightly everyday
And you hug me tightly back
I wonder if you notice the softness disappearing from my body
I wonder if you notice that my squeeze is growing weaker
I wonder who will ask the questions first
As I slowly fade away
I wonder will they ask them before it's too late?
As I slowly fade away in silence

We held hands in the dark
When we couldn’t find another hand to hold
We sewed them together so if we ever got lost we would know that we’d never be alone
Watched the stars and the moon play peek a boo with the clouds
And we danced in the rain
Because we knew that together we were safe from the world
Each taking turns shielding each others hearts from the pain of the outside
Building walls of protection piece by piece
Promising each other the sun will rise soon
Just be patient
Because night can only last for so many days
But the stitches in our hands grew lose
And roots of bitterness grew in our hearts
And nothing seemed to be perfect anymore
As we tried to fix all the stitches at the top
The bottom ones began to fall
Threads began to fray
Leaving festering feelings of anger and hurt
We tried to ignore it all
Tried to keep it all together
But the bitterness and anger grew
Suffocating slowly
If we both died would it be joint suicide
Would it be a love story that would resemble Romeo and Juliet
Or would it be a homicide
Because we found the scabs that hurt the most
And pushed until we couldn’t go anymore
We held each other
While squeezing the others vulnerable heart
Until pieces slowly began to crack
As if we were boa constrictors squeezing their prey for the next meal
Yet never actually killing the prey
But letting it suffer breathe by breathe
Yet never letting it enjoy its last few moments of life
Broken promise and broken hearts
Pain written in the clouds above
The inevitable written in the stars
It’s time to rip the last of these stitches out as if they were band aids
Let these wounds have a chance to finally heal
It’s time to let the sun rise and to see what around the next bend in the road
Because our hearts won’t heal behind these walls
And our silent murders are getting out of hand
Wash the blood off your hands and say our good byes
Because this will be the last sip of poison that I will take

These images dance through my mind
Of the past
Of the Present
And your words will always be at the back of my mind
But I hope you can see how much better I am without you
The spring flowers dancing in the breeze
With the colors
Blues of peace
Pinks of happiness
Yellows of freedom
Go ahead and say I'm missing you
Because what you don't know won't hurt you
I've got more freedom now
And I know myself more than I ever did when I was with you
Those butterflies are dancing with peace happiness and freedom
Helping me grow a garden that I'll someday call life
The perfect life for me
Maybe someday someone else can add to my garden with a red love
But until that day comes I'll grow my garden
Guard my heart and live my life how it should have been done the whole time
I'm sure you're missing the sound of my heart beat
And wishing that I were coming back to you
But you know I ain't the type to come running back after this much time
I'll always be an independent woman that you'll never be able to handle.

I'm sorry
The words seemed to be frozen on my screen
Once upon a time
Our hearts beat as one
Your smile used to be summer sunshine on a cloudy day
I'm sorry*
The words shows there's a crack
in the perfection we had
it had to be said
We used to hold each other on the coldest nights
Promising to be the north star in the darkest night
I'm sorry
I'm not what the cover of the book portrays
but the pages are printed
Please don't set this book down yet
If you stay maybe you'll see more of the pages
I'm sorry
Sprinting from your throat
honey to my ears
fiery tears running down my face
Surveying the damage
**It it enough though

We said good bye for better opportunities of the future
An now your there with your little arm candy by your side
As smart as the button on the shirt you’re wearing

Looking around at the world you built yourself
You've done good
But I can do better
Because I've got a dream
And I'm still in the driver seat of my life
So let's race and see who will get to the top first
Winner gets to have the last word

Last words to be spoken like a champ,
Go ahead and talk your ****
Because I don't have the time for this dramatic review of what your life is
All you should see when you look at me is what your life could have been
So I hope your remember what we had
What we should have had.

Because my life has been a winding and bumpy road
But that mountain is just getting smaller in the distance and less intimidating.
You said you would have my back
But dear you've failed at your own game so I hope someone has given you a dose of your own medicine

I ain't getting twitter pated in your presence
It’s only driving me harder to be better than you
I'll be the bigger person and ignore your **** talking face that I used to love
I'll ignore the fact that you’re trying to bring me back to your level

Too bad I've lived a lot more since you've been gone
I've gone dancing in the rain
And screamed at the top of mountains
And aimed for the stars

I will conquer this evil face in my past standing in front of me
Go ahead and watch me walk away from you
I know you’re trying to get back at me
I know you’re trying to get me to dumb down my world for you
Just so you can understand what is on my mind
***** for you though
Because I've found a whole new world
Of power that I've never had before
And a peace that I've only dreamed about
I can only hope you find it someday

Some mornings looking in the mirror
Is like seeing a stranger in my body
Trying to figure out where she came from
While I'm suffocating in the unsuspecting comforts of my own body
My own mind.
The thoughts that consume me
They aren't mine
The actions that take over when things go wrong
They aren't mine
I'm searching for a breath of fresh air
Searching for that break through moment
So many people looking at me
Wondering what is wrong
Why am I like this.
The actions that take over
The thoughts that take over
None of them are me
I'm slowly being suffocated in my own body.
Some days when I look in the mirror
I just wonder what is wrong with me
Why can't I just kick it to the curb
Just kick everything bad that goes on inside to the side
And just let it sit in the corner and be silent.
Some days I wonder why everyone else has all this insight
Yet I'm the one who can't seem to make it stop
Some nights when I lay in bed
I look out my window
And wish upon a star
And pray to the higher powers that be
That they can take it all away.
That someday I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl looking back.
Recognize the woman I have become.
One day I will
One day that mirror will look back at me with a smile
It will look at me knowing the hard times I've had
And realize that I survived.

We're two puzzle pieces trying to fit together perfectly
Secretly hoping that my curves and your angles fit together snugly
Except you can never put a square inside of the circle hole on the children's toys
And you can never put a circle in the square hole.
So you whisper sweet nothings in my ear hoping that your love will be reciprocated
Like a lost puppy looking for a home
Crying out for the love it needs to survive.
And I give what I can
but my love isn't quite what you were wanting
You try to drown your sorrows and pain
forgetting that your a puzzle piece
Leaving your edges torn and tattered
I hold you close trying to fix all the damage
But I'm no puzzle maker
You seemed to have forgotten
That we fit together perfectly
Because your head fits perfectly in the crook of my neck
And your arm fits perfectly around my shoulders
Even though the curve of your lips doesn't quite match up with mine
Don't think for a second that I won't hold you close while you try to mend a broken heart.

Mount Recovery
Recovery is described as a mountain
And here I am on my path to the top
Holes in my shoes bumps and bruises on my body
Blood staining the clothes I’m wearing
Not from rough terrain but from the abuse and pain I have put myself through
Callouses and scars each finding new homes on my body
Leaving held breathes on my skin
This is my recovery-
Not just from the drugs and alcohol…and from myself
On the path to the top of mount recovery
The path that seems to be traveled more and more today
Each step is a struggle as I strain to keep my balance
On what seems to be a narrow path
But filled with pain and self-discovery
A sense of wonder as I struggle to keep my balance
Amazed at myself that I haven’t fell yet.
As I look ahead I wonder if I will ever make it to the top
I continue to stumble forward
Sometimes to loosing direction
Step by step I rise in elevation
Growing callouses
Healing wounds
I stop to look up and admire the beauty of the life around
As the horizon is filled with oranges, blues, pinks and purples
As the sun sets on another day in Mount recovery.

Searching for the name of this pain
Maybe find the knife that is jutting out of my chest
Because when no one is looking
I know that red lines will spread across my skin like red vines spread across the table
And while the lines are healing
The black hole is screaming inside
but its  constricting the lungs' oxygen supply
like the boa constrictor squeezing the life out of it's meal
The prey slowly losing the light in its eyes as it is consumed so quickly
The heaviness in my gut is sickening
As as I sit at the dinner table full of delicacies
I try to remember the joy they come with
The sweetness of this cherry pie
The savoriness of the poultry being passed around
Taking just enough not to be questioned
because if they felt how I felt inside
if they felt the knife in my chest when they hugged me
if they saw the light in my eyes dimming
if they felt the heaviness in my stomach
And when they ask me how I'm doing
I hope they don't notice my knees quaking and voice quavering
I hope they don't notice the fear that is sticking out of my pocket as I try to find answers

They look at my scars and ask me why
But unable to give them answers
I just let the tears flow
The begin to notice the cherry pie still on my plate
the lack of movement of my fork
I just shake my head
Because how are you supposed to explain the knife in your chest that doesn't have a name
How do you explain the red lines that spread across your skin
And the red vines that have become stale that are spread across your table
When you don't even have a name for the pain you feel inside
when you don't even know where the knife came from
When at the end of the day all you can see is these red lines and red vines
And all you feel is the pain inside

Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
The moment they touch my lips I know it’s a mistake
But the moment the feeling I get when the smell is inhaled
The moment the sweet taste hits my tongue
I know it all will be a regret in the morning
Brain slows down to a crawl
A nice change from the racing city traffic stuck in my head
Worries seem to just slip to the back of my mind
And no one's opinion seems to matter
What matters is me and my happiness
Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
I know it will be a regret in the morning
But I got to try to slow it down
Slow the racing in my brain
Got to bring the piece of myself that I can't seem to control back down from the clouds
It'll be a regret in the morning
But with each in hale
Nothing seems to matter
It's all just a joke
With each swig
It becomes more and more about me
It’s the sweet smell of addiction
It’s the sweet taste of intoxication.

You've got me looking at the sky
Walking in circles
Apologizing for who I've become
And yet I still open these doors to you
Like I'm the gentleman and you’re the lady
When really it’s the other way around
You came into my life like a quiet storm
And I was confused because that always been my role in this world
You've got me hands in my pockets
Looking at the sun
Blinding me to all the wonders of the world
Letting you climb in through my window after curfew
Like this is just part of life
And this would normally be ok because that’s just what friends do
We take care of each other in the time of need
But I'm still trying to find how you gained all this power
In just a short amount of time
Although I feel like I'm still got the power of Titus
To turn this whole world to gold
Yet You make me feel powerless and clueless
Our friends look at us like we're crazy
Each telling us that each positive of the friendship is really a negative
When really what they are missing is that a negative one times a negative one always equals a positive
Yet they insist that we have rose colored glasses on
And the longer we keep them the harder it will be to fix these mistakes
But I'm looking at how things are going and I can't find their truth in our friendship
Because truly whether we have rose colored glasses on or not
We've made it work in our favor
With your strengths and mine we each learn something from each other
We're looking to the clouds
Listening to hard metal
We know that whether or not we have rose colored glasses on or not
If the fog we've got someone there to catch us

My story is simple
Like the life of a tree
That’s never been planted in the ground
Spent some time here and there
Never putting down my roots anywhere
Going where ever the wind blows
Afraid to put those walls down for anyone
Few and far between have seen me break
But here I stand
Fighting for this journey to be mine

My story is complicated
Like a grapevine growing against the lattice in the garden
Twisted and tangled
Growing in every direction
Never knowing what may happen next
Vines lying on the ground where life used to be full
Vines flourishing and reaching for this sky
Spreading slowly but strong across the garden
Reaching for some support and love
Patiently waiting for my turn.

My story is uniquely my own
Through my pains and struggles
My only hope is to inspire
Never cut down a vine of another vine
Through the storm I’ve come out bigger and stronger
But never on my own
With the support of my friends and family close by holding my hand
Sometimes just a hand on my shoulder knowing this battle is for me
But never alone
My story has plot twists and turns
Ups and downs
Moments of intoxicating laughter
Moments of heartbreaking screams
But my story is not about the heartbreak but about the strength I found from within
Before you I stand
Stronger than before ready to take on the world
This is my story
So come dance with me in the rain
And the sun
As the world rushes by us
We’ll stop to smell the roses
Because nothing is as sweet as taking a moment to remember the parts of life that matter.

I'm a song stuck on repeat
A broken record
Always looking for answers
Feeling broken and lost
Tired of waiting for time to do its job
Stuck on repeat
looking for a skip button
So I can have a happy ending too
Tired of playing life's victim
just don't know how to find my way back to the lighted path
I'm a song on repeat
repeating all the things that are wrong
Repeating all the cries for help
Stuck in a ravine with no way out
No one to hold the other end of a rope to get out
Hearing all the same things echoing around me
Everyone is rushing about avoiding eye contact
Like they are afraid of what I have to say
Afraid of what they may see in my eyes
Can't find the right answers
Stuck on repeat