I'm trying to remember the exact moment
When playing in the sand box was too childish
When playing dolls was for "little kids"
I'm trying to remember what exactly it felt like
to be a small child
Whose smile was full of mischief and opportunities

I'm trying to remember the exact moment when
boys became cute
And make up became the cool thing to wear
I'm trying to remember what exactly it felt like to
only have to worry about how to make him like me

I'm trying to remember the exact moment when
the only thing in this world that mattered was being happy
when being happy meant truly everything.

Life is full of twists and turns
ups and downs
I might be sick after this one

I've been trying to find solace in this moment and that moment
only to realize the only solace I can find is within
time within
is not seconds
is not minutes
it is not counted as time here
it is simply until it is right
until it is perfect
that is what time is with in
That is how one can find solace, peace
with in
It can not be found in these moments
nor in those days
only within.

When I cry out to you
Don't tell me to read a book
I've spent over half of my life being told to read this book read that book
Crying out to a book is like crying out to a wall
Those printed words don't wipe away tears
Just remember that.

My body aches
My mind weary
All I want is a rest
A break from a reality
that feels as though the world is laying on my shoulders
Where standards feel as tall as the empire state building
And I am reaching with all my might to get to the top
My weary mind
searching for peace
tired of racing
dodging and jumping around
Trying to make itself happy
is searching high and low for a reprieve
From this reality of struggles
The bottle on the shelf
It knows my name all too well
I've done well at ignoring it's calls before
But it seems to be inching closer to me
I can hear it's cries better than my own thoughts
Most days and nights
Like a mother's innate hearing for her child crying
I hear it in the night as I sleep
leaving me wide awake
although I have gone
days
weeks
months with out the taste of it on my lips
The cries still reach my ears
The taste is still on my tongue
My energy is low
And I don't know how much longer I can fight it
My mind is weary
and my body aches

I've been on this path for a while now
Sometimes straying away from the straight and narrow
but in time always finding my way back
Waking up in the mornings thanking the powers that be
that I'm still breathing this air around me
Taking all this wisdom that I have found for granted
And all in one breathe it is shaking
The earth beneath me begins to shake
as my knees begin to quake
And in that moment
Every mistake
Every moment of question
Every right decision
Flashes before your eyes
Like the shortest sweetest documentary you've ever watched
you realize that this is where the path splits
Veer to the left and you head back down the trail
Veer to the right you head up the rest of this mountain
Make the decision wisely

Tears run down my face
Just like every stereotypical depressing poem I've ever written
But this time its different
This time I feel you looking at me in deep concern
Not because it benefits you
In no way does my panic benefit your life
but out of great concern for me as a being
Tears running down my face
You wipe them away as you hold me close to your chest
Reminding me how important my life is
Don't you see
Your the only one that has attempted to look deeper than my skin
Don't you see
your the only one who has wiped these tears away
You hear my cries for help
And you are here in moments
Your the only one that sees deeper than my skin
That sees the scars and open wounds on my heart
The tattered peaces of my soul
You see them You know just what to say
But your the only one.

Let my words dance into your mind
let them paint a picture of pain yet beauty
let my words help mend your broken heart as you travel through time
let my words remind you of the love that this life offers to you
let them dance
let them bring you peace when you feel as if you can't breathe any longer
let the words dance from my vocal chords be an inspiration and motivation as you
hear them
feel them
write them on your heart for a rainy day
because my friend we all need to hear that we are loved
So don't ever let the rain, rain on your parade
Don't let that boy steal your spirit when he walks away
don't let the silence over power your song and you move through this world
don't let this world take away that beat
because with out it you just might lose yourself
so my friend
let my words be printed on your heart fro a rainy day
because we all need to remember we are loved.

It's easier to take value than to give it back....

Hi this is Nena's phone,  I can't come to the phone right now
I'm on a journey
I don't really know I am anymore
you can leave a message but chances are I probably won't return it any time soon
if its an emergency hang up now and call 9-1-1! I can't help you!
Don't try to find me because I'm on a journey
somewhere between the past and the future
I don't really know when I will be back
but if you are in this for the long haul
please leave a message at the tone

I sit in silence
Reading the words printed in this book
Reading the words printed on the pages that are suppose to direct my life
I speak politely to you when time is sufficient
I sit in silence
Waiting for an answer
for a sign that you heard what I was saying
For a sign to show me that what I'm reading in this dusty old book
is real
No reply
As my insides begin to boil with frustration
No longer reading your words
letting out the anger I hold inside of me
I yell and scream at you
All around me
Since you are so omnipotent
Maybe you can hear me now
Maybe you didn't hear me because I was being so polite
When the anger of my voice reaches you
Won't you just show me the wrath that you have ever so described
on these dusty pages
Throw the book across the room
With anger searing through my veins
You said you loved me
You said you loved everyone
So where are you?
you said you would guide all who loved you
So why haven't I heard from you
it's worse than never getting a reply to a text message
Yet your omnipotent
Your inside my head
Supposedly
So why don't you make your presence known
I've studied the words you left in this book
I've sung the songs that you have inspired
Yet I sit in silence
Expectantly
Waiting for the answer.

I'm walking on ice
Slipping and sliding
Reaching out for a hand to hold
Some look and see the tears and the fears
And just run away
While others grab hold
But can't grasp the tears and fears
And just slowly let go
then walk away
Leaving me on the ice
That I can't seem to get off of
Some days it's like puddles
While others it's more like the Antarctic
With places of sharp ice just waiting for me to mess up
And places where I can hold my footing only for a moment
Reaching for a hand
With tears and fears in my eyes
So many have just walked away
But not you
You just hold your hand out and smile at me
Letting me forget just for a moment the ice beneath my feet
And remember the sun is out today
This is not the end
But the beginning
Still reaching for a hand to hold
And tears and fears in my eyes
I'm searching for the solid ground that I seemed to have lost in the flood
A solid ground to call home
A solid ground to help me see what is genuine and what is fraud
So I can wipe the tears away
And remember that this life is good
Despite the tears and fears that have created this storm

Every year we sit around the table filled with tasty traditions
Every year we ask the same question
"What are you thankful for?"

I'm thankful for the searing pain that has coursed through my veins
like a fire that couldn't be stopped
because I'd never be this strong without it

I'm thankful for the hot tears that have run down my cheeks
like the warm spring streams running through parks
because I wouldn't know what grief was like with out it

I'm thankful for the people who caught me when I was falling so fast that I couldn't cry out for help
For the people who held me up when I couldn't stand on my own two feet for more than a mere few seconds
because without them I wouldn't know what true friendship was

I'm thankful for the people who made me laugh
Who made me forget there was ever pain
because without them I would have never seen the light in life

I'm thankful for the people who cared for me when I couldn't care for myself
Who through the years have held my hand when times were scary
Who wiped tears away when life hurt
And helped me through the growing pains of life
Because with out them I wouldn't know who I am today

I'm thankful for the opportunities
The opportunity to explore the world
The opportunity to find the most knowledge I can fit into my head
Without these I wouldn't know how blessed I truly am.

I am thankful for the happiness that I have in my life
the smiles and the sunshine that is found in everyday
without these I wouldn't know what was joy

I am thankful for the scars that are invisible and visible
the visible ones hold stories and power and remind me that I can conquer anything
the invisible ones hold logic yet understanding reminding me to proceed with caution
With out these I would not understand healing

I am thankful for the human kindness I have received
The hugs of healing
The words of encouragement and wisdom
The shoulder squeezes of reassurance
The shared strength and perseverance
Without these I would not know hope

I am thankful for the patience of others
The times others held me close when nothing was outwardly wrong
The times when I didn't live up to my word yet they still trusted me
With out this I wouldn't have faith in myself

So as you sit around your thanksgiving feast
And you ask each one what they are thankful for
remember it's not about the food
It's not about the pilgrims and the Native Americans
It's remembering to say thank you to all the people in your life that matter.

**So Thank you for being there

When you look at me can you see what I'm thinking?
Can you see the moment of hesitation in my reply
When you look at me do you see the searing fear running through my veins
Do you notice the shake in my hands
When you look at me what do you really see?

During the day a smile will get me by
Let me hide the darkness I hold inside
I'll pretend that I am meant to be with the living
When the sun is up I'll live the double life a while longer
But with the living is now where I belong

In the cemetery
6 feet below is where my name is marked
In there cemetery
Where I don't have to explain the feeling on the inside
Where I'll never have to hide the darkness inside of me
I'll smile in the sunlight for a little longer
Try to make it the real me
But the cemetery is where I truly belong
6 feet under where I don't have to explain the darkness inside
In the cemetery
Where the only judgment around me is my own
That's where I belong

Why does everyone around me keep dying?
They say that your loved ones gone on to a better place
That they are no longer suffering
But as my heart continues to ache
I can't help but to wonder about those who
carressed their loved ones heart
or the ones who created this being out of pure love and joy
taking the time to teach them and love them with everything they had
as the sun sets on another day
with angels that have walked this earth
and angels that have brought light to this world
begin to fade
The lost of a child holds so much pain that it is compared to being stabbed in the heart
The loss of a friend is felt as if a boulder was dropped into a calm body of water
The ripple effect spreading further and further out
And you begin to wonder if they really saw how much they meant to this world
Would they still have died?
So many theories of where they all go after they go
No one really knows though
But they are certain that it is better than here with all of their loved ones
But my aching heart wonders
Why did you have to go so soon?

I'm doing only enough to get by
day by day
I force myself to get out of bed each morning
because of the pain of knowing that I will never be able to wrap my arm around you in a hug
And I will never be able to her your giggle as we exchange admiration  over boys  that we will never have the chance to hold
Each of us searching for our own sense of belonging but somehow
knowing that we belonged together
like peanut butter and jelly
like mashed potatoes and gravy
like you and I
an inexplicable bond we had
people look at us in as we giggle in confusion
but we only stop to catch our breathe
We had the type of friendship that
distance never mattered
time never matter
The bond only grew stronger
Laughter only grew louder
our memories only grew greater
our dreams grew grander
As we fed each other every ounce of strength we could muster when times were hard
We held each other close when the dams behind our eyes flooded over and we couldn't stop them
But now what am I supposed to do
When my mind is on an hamster wheel
Spinning spinning spinning
So fast that I don't know if I can stop it
When the dams that I've built up behind my eyes begin to overflow
When I am suffocating and have forgotten how to breathe
I wonder
Will I desperately call your number just to hear your voice mail again
Will I scroll through all your old photographs to remind myself
that you can't answer my messages anymore
Will I yell at you for leaving me so prematurely that I didn't have time to prepare my last good bye for you.

I look into your eyes and the person I see is not the one I remember
your eyes tell a story
They show the hope that you hold on to in a time of darkness
Yet your eyes are vacant
as vacant as the lot down the street
I watch you go about your day as if a shell of the woman I used to know
Your voice has changed
Once slow to anger and quick to giggle
now the tables have turned
as curse words roll off your tongue as if they were the names of your children.  
What was once sincere laughter and joy
is now silent grimaced and tears
The woman that once was flourishing with life who taught me everything about sugar and spice has since disappeared
This new woman is the shell of a woman I used to know
full of anger and sadness
I look in your eyes and I miss you

We stand at the edge of the parking lot
my child like hands wrapped tightly around your first ******* with your thumb resting on my hand
Like a promise that couldn't ever be broken
A promise that you would always wear a cape
So you could rescue me from all of my demons
But step by step
Your cape became tattered
your grip began to loosen
I keep trying to hold on tighter reaching for your other *******
that have never seemed so far away
until now
The promises you once held in the palm of you hands
freely  handing them out as if they were breathe mints
begin to lose power
The mint begins to fade just like the gum from a quarter machine looses its flavor just moments after touching your tongue
but I try to hold on to each one
hoping that someday the flavor will comeback
hoping that the thread in your cape will be sewn back together with miracles from angels above
I hang on tighter
Calling each night
just to remind you of how much I adore you
using all of the chewed up gum ***** to hold on to your fingers together
Repeating all of the promises in my mind
Screaming "Some day"
But your hair has begun to turn grey
and wrinkles have begun to crawl across your face
your hands begin to become fragile
but I refuse to let go
Empty promises stack on the shelf
like ***** dishes in the sink
as if reminders of what it used be like at the edge of the parking lot
When I held your first *******
your thumb resting on my hand
and you wore a cape