Your sock is still playing hide n seek in my drawer
I can not bring myself to throw it out
Or toss it
Instead I let it squat between my own black socks and torn tights
It is the last thing I have to hold onto

I still have your single black sock-
It is a reminder that I am not the only one who
lost something
when you left:
misfit parts of you are still sprinkled across my bedroom
(it is a lesson for the both of us)
what else am I to do?

At the end of a long day
and night soaked in tears
its always you
that I find
myself searching for
hoping to see you
at the bottom of
my drink or
lighting up my phone

Nobody can ever match up
or stand up
to you
even though you have
not taught me what love looks like
instead what love feels like
that is,
you do not show me love or
hold it in the palm of your hand
I feel it when I sit across from you
and laugh

I find joy in our silence (because there is no tale to tell)
A story implies a beginning, a middle, an end
So forgive me if I am guarded,
I am afraid to start something (that I want to last forever)
Whisper me love
Sing me the words you cant speak
Lay with me, look to the stars (hold me until forever comes )
Feel this silence (don't try to fill it)
I hope it tickles your skin, reminding you softly of how I need you to stay

I've ran away to all the far places where
I know you will not be
I have made memories in foreign tongues
and smiled into the eyes of people I will never see again

Perhaps, it is the reflection of our intermingling in space-
languages on two different wave lengths
destined to be separated again

Whenever I send you a carrier pigeon love letter I
hear from him instead or else
don't hear from you at all

I just want to hear my name on your mouth again cause
my memory of you will never be tainted
no matter how many times you try to sabotage it
I will always love you

I anxiously wait you to remember me while I try to forget you
It is all a bit too futile for someone so open hearted
I'm going to catch a cold
Our love has grown cold but my heart will keep it warm
I've always been a warm fire for you
kindling for you to ignite

I know all your secrets, I am not sure that you know mine
I hold them close to me
I imagine a world where you miss me where you ring me again
You have come and gone I can not forget that
Can not forget the day we met
Forget the day you left
I cried

Whenever I am with someone else I always think of you
I measure him to you
even though you were nothing short of a let down
I paint you perfect
remember you between the moon and my brow
under the starlight between the blades of grass or
sitting, a safe distance apart
you always kept me a safe distance apart

Chapter 1: Lie-Lie-Lie or else bye-bye-bye
“How have u been?”
“good, thanks :)”

Chapter 2: What are you hiding, anyways?
Well not really my shoulders feel light, but the weight of the world seems to be pressing down on my chest as I lay in bed

Chapter 3: Why?
I have been meaning to tell you, but how do I cough out the words?

Chapter 4: Be honest (with yourself, only)
I feel as though Mother Earth has taken hold of my neck and pushing on my sternum, I gasp for breath, but as I finally get a full inhale, my air is pushed right out of me
I lay, watching the world go by

I feel mother’s hand cover my mouth with her other hand, muffling my cries for help
I grip onto my fondest memories for hope, my happiest times run through my brain like a double feature movie
I lock eyes with mother, as she holds me down
I see the fear in her eyes
Mother nature does not want to do this to me, it was just my luck of the draw
My pleading eyes beg her to fill me up with the antidote
Theres a fix for this feeling, I know it
I finally get up, I swallow the two white battleship pills, and I pray that they work
My day has begun, and I start my routine
I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, put in my contacts
I then go right to my bed and meticulously make it
I get dressed, pants first
Next is makeup, then I put on my shirt
I decorate my wrists and fingers with jewelry
I sit down, pull my black socks over my feet, lace my shoes and prepare to leave
I do this routine every day
In order, bathroom bed, pants, makeup, shirt, jewelry
I do not go deviate from this sequence; schedules rule my life
My fingers take turns touching my thumbs
Pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pink
The tapping of my fingers keep rhythm for my day, my anxious energy exits through my finger tips, a quick relief
I am endlessly fidgety, my legs dance in circles, swaying as I sit and shuffling as I stand
My fingers pick and **** at my skin, my hair, they rub roughly against the palm of my hand, making sure everything is still there
My eyes, they never stay still
And my mind never rests
It is constantly jumping, jumping, jumping
It gives me a headache
My schedule for my day rolls through my head on an endless loop, I map out all of the options of what people may think of me, and I create routes for how to respond for each scenario
My fingers scratch at my face, smoothing out the impurities
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
My hand goes back to my face, like it is the first time discovering my cheek bones
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
I smooth my lips, pressing them into my teeth
Pink ring middle first middle ring pinky
At 12 pm I’ll get lunch
Pinky ring middle first
Then at 1 I’ll go back to my room
Middle, ring
I’ll have to leave by 1:40 to make it to class
Pinky
Afterwards I’ll nap for 35 minutes, allowing perfect time to get to the gym
Ring, middle, first

Chapter 5: the follow up
“how are you? lol I got distracted, sorry”

**Middle, ring, pinky

Tomorrow,
I leave
and dear
I'm afraid
that you
won't
miss me

Cause I
know I'll
think of
your guitar,
your hands
my hands
your laugh,
and dance

Cause I
know I'll
listen to
your music
when I'm
homesick
or else try
to remember
your eyes,
your words

But will you
miss my piano,
my hands
your hands
my laugh,
my car
will you phone me
just to hear
my voice again

Will we even
Say goodbye

Do we have to

Or have we
already

Floating down the street,
coddled by the roll of Spanish tongues,
I have never felt more alive than
feeling *** burn my stomach
Blood flowing, giddy
The mountains, my North Star,
peek over the crumbling buildings and
yearning to break through the clouds
Quiet noise rumbles
Even the air tastes different here
My Spanish is broken but my heart is whole
My mind has stopped wandering and my hands stopped searching
I am so alone in the most lovely way -
surrounded by millions of people and miles away from those who hold my heart
I am defined by who I am in this moment
No grades, or tears or memories have followed me here
Finally, my joy is independent
Exclusively made by my own beating heart
to be shared with the world

There is power in knowing that I can disappear as quickly as I came
That I don’t need you need you  
There is power in holding interest cause I can lose it as fast as I found you
Being a magical woman means I can vanish before your eyes at the first sight of wavering
My body miraculous there is power in my smile

Traveling taught me that I can find God in places other than your arms
Religion is on continents you haven't touched and I've seen love in eyes that don't belong to you
There is plenty of world left to explore
so I know that I will be alright

Its time we let go of the notion
that our greatness is something to hide in our back pockets
lest we scare away a man

The first time he kissed me, my friends assured me that I was just another body
I dutifully disagreed- "I am special"
The second time he kissed me, I learned pretty fast that my friends were right
I need not be
I am not special I am just
A woman

When a stranger wrapped his scarf around my chest,
His foreign accent fondling me with the words explaining that
he would be jealous to see other men looking at me I smiled
politely and waited to be dug out by my friends nearby because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Hearing a whistle blown towards my general direction I bow my head, ignore all of the "hey baby"sand "que linda"s
Shrinking into myself I hope to disappear from the street because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Walking the city alone, I make sure to act as if nobody is there hoping with futility
That maybe if they can not be seen then I will not be seen either
Although I do not need to try so hard to become invisible because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Waiting to hear from you and allowing myself to be passive with our fate I rehearse that I am just another kiss, another body for you to call home because
I am not special I am just
The body of woman

These days I do not measure my worth in pounds on the scale because
That number is far too large- far too significant
Instead I look to the tags inside my pants because they represent how much space I do not take up

Exploring the streets I am constantly checking how many shadows are following behind me
What turns they're taking and how far behind they are
My escape routes are already planned for the inevitable because
no matter how significant I truly am, that is always compensated for through the insignificance of my body no-
Our bodies, women
We are miraculous, glory filled temples
It is not our fault that no matter how much fabric we try to hide behind we are always ****** beings that
Our accomplishments are that much more revered because we had to overcome our womanhood first that
Woman is a necessary adjective to frame titles or context because
Without it one will assume a man is being spoken of
Each day is a cause for celebration because each sunset marks another day of survival but the morning sunrise alerts us for another day at war

I am twenty years old
I don’t sing in the shower,
But I always try to harmonize in the car

My waterbottle is my favorite accessory
I still wear youth large clothes,
And steal from my mom’s closet

I like to wear the color red,
But I usually buy things that are blue, and my favorite color is purple
My thoughts and my actions often don’t match up

I never pay attention in class,
and sometimes focus more on IMDB
than the movie in front of me

I always run out of free article reads online,
but have a tough time reading body language

I used to be vegetarian
I don’t eat salmon
And I am pretty sure ranch dressing goes with everything

I like snapchat
But the idea of big brother scares me
Perhaps its because I am an only child

My hands are always dancing
And my shoes are always laced up to run

I always talking about growing up
As if my future is not already knocking on my door

I don’t think its fair that  we don’t have enough time to be everyone we’d wish to be
That we only get one lifetime to figure it out

I want to be a professional dancer who acts on the side and is a nurse by night
I want to travel the world, but also have a picket fence house
To be a bachelorette for life, but have a family waiting at home

I have been blessed with good health
But I’m not convinced that there isn’t a disease hiding in my abdomen

I have good grades
But somehow I have a hard time making sense of everyday life
I wish I knew what it felt like to be friends with me

But still, I don’t like myself very much
And I don’t like other people either
Or maybe other people don’t like me

I used to love the color gray
Perhaps because I was trying to find comfort in the uncertainty
Or I couldn’t decide whether light or dark made me feel at home

I believe in Sunday mornings,
And rainy days

An overcast sky makes me feel more alive
But if you ask me why,
I probably would not have an answer

I don’t like having my picture taken,
Though always smile when I’m taking someone else’s

I am afraid of tomorrow,
And yesterday’s should haves,
Scare me

I am not very good with a GPS
But being lost never worries me
Except for that one time,
In the woods,
Alone

Probably because being alone feels infinite
And being together feels fleeting
I treasure my alone time, but am
Always missing
You

I’m not sure if this is all worth it,
But for what its worth,
It just might be

Maybe we both were trying to find the heart of someone else in between the arms of each other
Maybe I was just a place holder for what you were missing
Maybe I was a bandaid on a leaking dam
Maybe it’s all much more simple but
I’ll probably never know
Never know what it was you were looking for
What changed your mind
What you were waiting to have happen
Is my smile too big my heart too open?
Did my confidence scare you away
What was I missing

Forgetting you means survival when
I care means nothing cause
Your actions mean I'm not good enough or
Maybe they mean she's easier but
not talking doesn't help
you define best friend or
future or
3 am phone calls
So why don't you just talk
and mean what you say

I have tried to write you a thousand times
But all I can muster is hello
I have held my pen in hand a hundred times
But all I can scribe is please
I have talked of you ten times
But all I can say is hope
I have waited for you one life time
And all I can think is finally
*Hello, my dear. Please take a chance with me, it only requires a little hope. We have our chance, finally.

I never agreed to share you with
other sets of sheets and girls with long hair
I was all yours
But you weren't all mine
Maybe that's why I feel robbed
of a missed opportunity
I was nineteen and
maybe naive but
I thought you told me that you cared cause
you never wanted to hurt me
Forgive me for thinking better
of you

When you say that
I am better than him
You are forgetting that
He and I are both grown from
The same sandy soil

We may have sprouted differently
But to write him off is to
write me off too
As if my roots
and my stalk
and my flower
are not one

Well friend,
The most beautiful flowers have
The deepest roots
Mine, are intertwined with his
(Though I do not need him
to thrive)
Our stories, can not be separated cause
We've been through the rain
and mud
and beating wind
together

Even if we
flower in
incongruous seasons
neither of us are
better or
worse or
less full of life

How can someone with
the same ***** soul be
unworthy of my time?

I tell you bout my trips and everything I’ve seen
about my laughter and what I’ve learned but
I’m afraid to tell you that I feel like I’m losing myself again
that stopping my medication was the wrong decision
like I am trapped in this opportunity, can't get out and can't go home
I don't tell you about being filled with regret
that my flashbacks hurt more than I expected
That I lost my safe place and I feel abandoned

You did yoga today and I travelled some more
I laughed a little, and took a nap
you're seeing your friend tomorrow
I know what you are doing
but how are you doing

Your chameleon touch has made even the most familiar things remind me of you first
childhood days blanketed by you

The train tracks no longer mean days racing bikes but rather
A delayed arrival and you turning around just to wait with me and
Almost missing my train just to lay with you for another minute

I am not sure that this is how it ought to be
You taking jurisdiction over my memories because you're fickle and elusive and damaged and wonderful

train approaching
please stand behind the yellow line

I'm waiting; I hope you make it on time or
At least turn around again

my body is 100% woman
all curves and no straight angles
full of grace and love
a pillow to hold

my body is 100% miracle
all strength and perseverance
awkward and unique
a frame to remember

even when it feels
full of shame
I still know it to be
extraordinary

Who's to say
that tomorrow, you'll be any more ready than you were yesterday
that soon enough your demons will be gone and nothing will hold you back
or even circumstances will be different

Stop waiting for life to change as an opportunity to change your life
you can not hold it off, much longer
it must come from you first

For the first time I’ve been loved like I’m more than a body
Held like more than a place holder
So forgive me if I try to hold you close but
I don’t wanna lose this feeling of being loved with eyes wide open
I don’t tend to feel this way often so I wanna know if this is new for you too

Two lips
months ago intertwined
after the ball dropped
the kiss seemed merely transient
at least, to the laughter around
the couch hugged us and breathed forever
each new day reminded me of New Year's
three months don't seem too long, after three years
except for when every "now", "serious" and "care" can wink
at me infinity, your words spinning around like
our lips that night, and the next
and the next; now I only
know for certain what I
can see, waiting
like May's
tulips

It was the end of my relationship with him
and I was crying while he was between my legs cause I knew this was just the beginning
He was leaving and I felt stuck
Nothing makes sense when the one thing that made sense doesn't wanna be here anymore
I cried and shook - losing control
but when he looked up at me he thought I was happy, shaking with joy or overwhelmed with pleasure
He found himself proud as he looked through the lens of his own ego

That night I learned what it felt like to be loved through a piece of glass
As if I am not loved for who I am but who I'm perceived to be- who they want me to be,
my image is distorted and trapped
But all I want is forever

Forever to start today and you to never leave but maybe I've put on glasses of my own
I see you as a broken thing that just needs to be hugged so tight your pieces will fit together again
I think you've lost some pieces along the way
Maybe that is why you're still soul searching
When we touch I cut myself on your rough shards

I put on my glasses and see you as my other half cause my lens are half made of mirrors
I'm looking at myself
I see loving you as a way to fix myself
I just want to love myself
I mean, I just want to love you
I mean, I just want you to love me
But all I do is hurt myself
All you do is hurt me

I'm convinced that you wouldn't see a reflection of your ego in my tears
But you broke my heart when you left without a trace
cause you needed more girls' arms to hold your edges and love you
isn't that the same **** thing?

My friends don't forgive you and
Don't wanna hear me talk about you any more
But I tried to fix you and I shattered
I tried to love you and I shattered
The only way I can feel whole again is to talk bout the pieces of me you pocketed
our song plays to the beat of my heart everyday
No wonder I sound like a broken record

It was the beginning of us and
I shook with excitement - electrified
tears came later when you shocked me
my heart stopped

Maybe it's not our end
and I hope that
you see me as I see you now
with clear eyes
ready to forget the past

I can only fall asleep when I dream of you
Cause I need the hope of your return to
get through the day
and night
I want to let go but
my heart won't let me
not yet

Sitting across from you I see forever in your eyes

The hardest decision you'll ever make is the right one

I sleep to dream of the day when I
won't wake up missing you when I
won't go to sleep talking to you through a screen when I
won't doubt that you'll stay or
that we're on the same page cause
we'll be in the same bed
Though, I've learned from experience that sharing space and
sharing feelings aren't mutually exclusive

Dad leaving taught me not to expect forever but Dad doing his best forced me to learn to forgive
So maybe that's why I see the good in the people that are worst for me cause I learned to love Dad through the hurt
Learned love like forgiveness I mean
forgiveness is my love language so
I can't love until I've been wronged first

I've learned gypsy love
I have loved across borders and
in between so many walls, my love has no home
My love is in the air between everyone I meet
I mean everyone that leaves
I forgive everyone that leaves

I'm ready to run and dance
which is to say I'd rather dance cause
I can never forgive myself for running
Though I've made a ***** habit of it

All this moving, vagabond exploring, has got me tired
maybe it's best I sleep -
Sleep and dream so I can love in stillness
like laying next to you and feeling your chest expand
Lungs dancing but feet still
I am not going anywhere, I will not run
from you
or after you
So now, let's rest
I'll dream forgiveness

Trips to New York City
Audrey Hepburn
Online shopping and
weekends I cried my soul out
My walls tell a story

Quotes that made me feel something
tickets from my
happiest days
Fabric birds from a place
where my heart belongs
My walls tell a story

How my ex boyfriends mom
treated me like her own daughter
Days my dad treated me
like his daughter
My walls tell a story

Tucked away in the top drawer
on the right hand side of my desk
is a photo that tells the beginning of the story
it used to be a piece of the map on my wall
but now, it sleeps hidden
beneath my wall of tales and better times
It marked the beginning
of what I believed to be my happy ending
the week I'll never forget
It still tells a story,
our story but
doesn't deserve to be on display
only taken out for the eyes that I choose
I hide all of my folded photos,
my stained memories

my drawers are over filling with misconceptions and insecurities
My drawers tell a story

I need to clean up but my back hurts my heart aches
My floor tells a story

I'm just too tired
It's best I sleep
My bed tells a story

All while I remain silent  
I'm trying to forget why I
feel sad but I keep tripping
over my regrets and
Old mistakes

I'm sick of these stories
Get rid of these stories
Break down my walls
Happy times are mocking me cause
I don't feel happy any more
Can't make good memories anymore
Cause the people I made them with
left and left my walls shaking
crumbling but reminding me
My walls tell a story

You were not a mistake I made
But leaving, you made one

Life is the most stubborn unrequited lover

How melancholy it is to love something so unconditionally but to
wish she would love you back and
give you another reason to love her

Instead, Life fights my love and
makes me want to give up -
on myself

We're  as lonely as we let ourselves be -
tonight,
meet her in her cold car so you'll feel warm
again,
I take a white pill so I'll feel all right
again.
Unable to sleep
again.
Swallow her breath
again.
I'll swallow the pill
again.
"Hey"
again.
"I miss you"
again.

You will keep calling her to quell your insomnia and
I will keep taking the tablet with a cup of my pride
until I wipe the lonely from your lips and
you let me be your only.

Growing tired of the present I
Fear the future cause she is
My next door neighbor
I am reminded of her everyday
I pass her in the hallway
She waves hello but I
Do not want her to move in with me
I'm happy alone