I spend hours trying to understand
why you still care
when I should address why I do, instead
I don't think bout you often anymore
But when I do, I think bout how i hope you can't get my smile out of your head, that you wonder how I am

But most days, I wish that you hit every red light on the way to class
that you forget your phone charger at home and your iphone dies halway through your three hour lecture,
on a Monday,
at 9 am

Some days, I hope that the left bud of your headphones break
that all your lays chips are crushed, even though the bag is all air and no potato

I rarely think of you, but when I do, I hope that you lose your last guitar pick
and your brother leaves your aux cord at home,
again

I hope that all of your mac and cheese is just a little to watery and that you lose all of your left socks

On the days I think of you, I wish you uneven laces
and rain on your birthday

I wish you a hole in the crotch your favorite pants and
the parking spot furthest from the entrance

I hope only radio commercials for tampons
and a brain freeze

I wish you forget the last page of your paper in the printer
I wish you forget me

I wish you lose my number
and hope you lose the desire to text me, again

cause maybe if you forget it will be easier for me too
and I won't have to wish you ****** noses and a really big hang nail anymore

I've been trying to write away humiliation &
carve embarrassment out of my chest
but its hard to put emotion to paper when the boy that hurt you
won’t even tell you his last name

boy,
you lost the right to anonymity when you took me to bed &
used my first name like a curse word
like you yourself named me
boy,
you told me I’m still a hot little thing
as if I was worried bout what you thought in the first place

boy,
you told me it was best that I leave
told me maybe after we get to know each other we can try again
as if I was begging you for mercy
begging you to let me stay

boy,
not knowing you wasn’t the problem
knowing your touch,
your kiss
was the problem
you told me your story but
when I said that I do not even know your last name
you said its best that way
why are you hiding,
boy?

you asked what we are doing here
as if it weren’t already clear
you were really asking me bout what I am not doing

Boy,
I missed the signs
of you walking in front of me and waving me over
waving me out
of you kissing me like theres a timer around my neck
like there wasn't someone on the other side trying to kiss you back

boy,
I do not wish to see you again
If I see you I will tell you my last name

I had been
putting out your fires for years
So no wonder you
mistook me for kindling
And lit me on fire just to
keep you warm
Your hands shook
as you lit the match
But I, stood still cause
I was blinded by your light
I've risen from the ashes
I may not be fireproof but
**** am I resistant
I mean resilient

You reached for the extinguisher
Too little too late
You had already taken
to a new girl to dry out
before she would go up
in flames
I loved her, too
But she watched me burn
Just so she could have you

So why am I so eager
to forgive the arsonist
Even though he's
suffocating and
won't ask for the oxygen
he needs
Before we know it
he'll mistake himself for
kindling too

There is nothing romantic about falling  down stairs
Tumbling down granite steps, clothed in a light cotton dress and laughter

There is nothing graceful about falling in love
Stammering out firecracker words, armed with bullet powder breath and suspicion

I tripped into love with you

Rolling down, unsure of what bruises I would walk away with, prescribing each second with a dose of eternity

You have not strolled away yet with your flowing swagger, just as I have not waddled off with my tangled stride

Instead, we are both grasping for a rail to break our fall,
or rather to delay the crash on the base tread

Falling is adrenaline rush wonder
Lets keep falling, together

At the bottom, I will tend to your bruises
So we can take another leap of faith

Your smile is splatter painted inside my eyelids,
I close them just to see you again

Your laugh rings throughout the chambers of my heart,
each beat reminds me of why I care so much

Your warm hands are not laced between my delicate fingers,
every knuckle snickers that you're not here

Your voice does not strike my ear drums,
Waves of silence roar the song of distance

Soon enough your hands will warm mine, your voice will be the reason for my smile, and yours? Well I will get to see it again with eyes wide open

I have learned to never name anything that does not belong to me
My past tells me that the future is flighty, and I have to stop trying to tie her down
Perhaps, if I can just hold down the future today, then I can stop worrying about tomorrow
I never make a promise that I can not keep, that is to say
I never make promises
You were supposed to come up today
and even though you had complete control over it,
you were too busy

I wish I could say that I’d be the same woman I am today and maybe I don’t know who I’d be but
I know who I would not be
I’d stop loving the flat Stanley version of myself and start loving my full panoramic body,
my body 100% woman
I’d be less cool girl and more cool, girl
I’d stop my soul searching hands from picking my impurities off my face
I’d wear socks to bed and wear jackets that really keep me warm
I’d grin less and smile more
I would be radiant
But then again, how is that any different than I already am
Just a little less
Effort

I've written a thousand ways I'll miss you
when we no longer speak and
that time has come
cause you don't talk to me late at night
you don't send me songs I've already heard and
I don't  play along
I don't listen to your music
I don't dance to your music and I don't dance with you

I still miss laughing with you and
the last time I saw you felt like we were starting over
but maybe we were just saying goodbye

Now I'm six hours ahead and I'm
pretty sure you're still taking her to bed
So now is goodbye, this is not see you later
This is not me waiting for you
This is me learning not to reach for
something that shouldn't be here

I imagined you next to me for a thousand years
but maybe our time together, comfortably laughing
was only meant to be fleeting
maybe your free spirit was only meant to leave

I'll never know why you
entered my life like a hurricane
and left me deserted
never know if you ever loved me
or cared
never know if you were lying
or are as confused as you seem

our goodbye is likely forever
you built walls and left them
running to the mountains searching for
yourself inside someone else
its cliche and I always thought you were unique
but maybe you're just like the rest
just a lost boy running from reality

I ought to stop writing bout you
and yearning for us to begin again
cause you're a lost boy and
my messages will never reach you

Wanna say hello,
want you to say hello
want you to reach out but I
gotta say goodbye
goodbye to your old car
to your plain bagels and adidas sneakers
goodbye to your black dog, and kind parents
goodbye to laying on the couch
to driving through the streets late at night
goodbye to tequila shots and dancing
to laughing and missing trains
to who we were and will never be
hello to the future
goodbye my love

At four in the morning
You'll find me
at the corner of drunk and alive
Perhaps I am just practicing being alone through the darkness
I am electrified awake
Making laps around myself
hands passing from my stomach to my back to my thigh
trying to escape this bed and body but also
remembering what its like to
explore someone else's body
I hear the cars hiss through the rain outside
Insomnia is a jealous thief
Stealing my sleep
the birds giggle with her outside my window
she lets fear slowly coax me out of my slumber
Aware of my surroundings but trapped
Trying to find my voice
legs moving as if trying to get somewhere
run somewhere
but still I am fixed to my mattress
Disoriented but cognizant
Insomnia is boasting with pride
before the sun even rises

Each day I am closer to escaping you
closer to forgetting you
but each night I am reminded of who I remember you to be
closer to missing you
I close my eyes and you are next to me, again
holding my hand, again
closer to needing you
you visit me in my dreams and virtual reality
closer to forgiving you
I want to be closer to you

How strange it is
that pieces of things are what we love the most:
wood whittled down to furniture or
metal melted down to jewelry
We compartmentalize life into parts- palpable intangibles
Why is it then that we are constantly seeking out completeness:
happy endings or even just an ending when
passing moments mean more than
we give them credit for

A short exchange can redirect the course of a day and yet
we wait for tomorrow as if there is any control over it
Only after we make peace with our pieces, can we feel whole
A dozen roses is a notion of love instead of
an entire bush
That is to say we pick flowers to
hand over a piece of ourselves
As long as we are giving,
parts of us can be found
around the world

I have given so much to
people that give nothing in return
only take and so
I know I will never be whole
again
Unless, I learn to keep my arms open
instead of handing out my pieces to
unrequited lovers and confidants

My brokenness has allowed me to take new form and
lost pieces leave holes to be filled
with glitter glue and laughter
Each break means I will just
be that much more unique
Not cracked or flawed
Rather parts of me and everyone I meet,
memories and gifts
make me whole

haven' written in a while
its not cause I haven' been inspired
just been traveling the world
and growing into myself
been growing into the world
maybe its cause I don' feel the same
pain anymore or cause I don'
think bout you anymore
which isn' quite true but I don'
think about you like I used to

My dad loves me most when he's drinking
he cares about me transiently
so maybe thats why I
look for gyspy love
maybe I like the surprise of
not knowing if you'll love me tomorrow
or maybe it's just what
I deserve

When I was a little girl, I absolutely hated getting sandy
I’d play in the sand, sure.  But I’d squat.  I never let my legs lay in the hot grainy sand beneath me.

When I was a little girl, I would not put my stickers on paper or cards, because they were not permanent
I put them on things that would around for forever, like VHS tapes

When I was a little girl, I learned quickly to prevent myself from getting tangled in a ***** mess of disaster.
I’d go through the motions, sure.  But I’d hide.  I never let myself get fully divulged in the cold, charged whirl wind around me.

When I was a little girl, I would not expect people to stay around for long, because nothing is permanent.
I instead focused on things that would be around forever, like my piano.

I say this, dear because I need you to know, that hurt as been around as long as the sand.

You don’t have to explain, I know things will probably get a little messy.  And I do not expect you around forever.

Do not apologize, I am ready.  I expect it.  The futility of love is as confident as the growl the sea makes as it finally meets to the sand.
You crashed into me with relief.  My arms were the shore you have been looking for all this time.
Though you pulled away, and took with you small pieces of me that most would not notice to be missing.  

I say this dear, because I need for things to be this way.  Keep sweeping yourself away, but don’t forget to come soaring back.

When I was a little girl, I did not know you.
And because of this, I did not know how freeing adventure felt
I stayed guarded.
Put on my tube around my waist, and cautiously tip toed into the cold ocean.  I took care not to get my hair wet, and stayed afloat with each wave that came my way
But with you, I have learned to run in, and embrace the uncertainty of the crashing wave. My stomach turns as I am jostled around the sea. Finally gasping for air with a smile wide open ready to accept adventure, that is what makes it all worth it.

When I was a little girl, I finally felt comfort in absence.
It was nothing to be afraid of, because absence was in my control.
But presence, well that depended on both parties, and could disappear before I could even find a permanent object to stick them to.
So forgive me for being afraid that you’ll leave.
I am still searching for something to glue on our fondest memory to.

Ever since I was a little girl, I never really found the appeal of love stories
Those were science fiction to me.  Only in another world could fate work so magically and consistently.

I tell you this dear, because you are my fairytale.  Fate can be fickle, so I am grateful that she brought me to you.

I am no longer a little girl.  But I am still afraid of getting my hair wet.  I still hate wiping sand off my skin. I am still always prepared for the inevitability of forever walking away.

I tell you this dear, because I do not want you to think I am afraid of us.  You have finally made getting a little messy worth it.  But I will stay prepared for you to walk away.

Haven’t been calling like I should or
Visiting like I said I would
Made you cry at dinner cause you said I make you feel stupid
Don’t know why I push and pull you away but if anyone were to ask I’d say you’re my go to
Though I don’t always treat you like it
I’m sorry that I’m your world and that I’ve been so absent
Been trying to figure out who I am without you
But you made me
You shaped me and sometimes I resent your honesty
I love you more than anyone else
I’m sorry that I can’t show you that the way I should

Inexplicably we are drawn together
as if Fate tied our heart strings tight so that each beat is felt in unison- inescapable empathy
We can not cut the chord, She will not let us
So let's make our story a song and play her till our hearts resolve

Perhaps we find it so easy to forgive each other cause it is the only way to forgive ourselves

You were tomorrow's promise
cause knowing you'd be in my future
helped me get through today

But you left
Then tip toed back
only for a second

So now, I don't know if
you'll be there when the sun comes up
Or if someone else will be waiting to tangle in my sheets

I heard you wrapped yourself in her the way you once did with me
Is that what you call a goodbye?

We are quick to talk about the day like
How zen we're feeling or
what we saw on the news
Mother, you ask how I am doing
and pause when you ask if I am anxious cause I
know you're afraid that I'll say yes
So I don't tell you when I stay in my apartment for days on end or
how he broke my heart cause
those are all reminders of how things were

I've nearly forgotten about the divorce and
cancer and
death cause
Right now is too much to handle
I'm scared I'll end up alone and
not in the common sense but instead
without companionship cause
my friends keep leaving
But you, mother you keep staying so I'll keep
telling you bout the weather and
what I made for lunch

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just
let myself fail
Drop out of school and work
like the people I thought I'd grow old with
Maybe they'd still love me if
I wasn't zooming past them
I've travelled to more countries than they have states and I love them regardless of course but
I'm not sure they love me regardless
Maybe I'm too much or
Not enough or
we just can't relate anymore
I spend more time studying and sober
than I do with liquor so
maybe our priorities aren't the same but
I'm not sure why that's reason enough to
up and leave
can't you see I'm still the same me
just me manifesting my dreams
I'm here I haven't left
I never thought that leaving for college would
mean people would leave my life

Mother, I know things change but
This wasn't as I planned
These girls were supposed to be my surrogate sisters
We promised
they promised
So why'd they leave
Mom please don't leave

I saw you in my dream last night
and now all I can think of is
our pixie dust encounter cause
we were so in love,
in my dream
We were so alive,
in my dream
But I woke up and
I was still alive -
still breathing
Not dreaming cause
I don't need you
Just want you
Just miss you

I'm flattered cause
I hurt you and
you forgave me
I didn't need you and
you still came back
But there is no flattery in
mediocrity
You're so much more miraculous
than your efforts
I'm just looking for reciprocity

You can barely take care of yourself
Barely feed yourself
How can I expect you to
care for me when
you seem to mistake
alcohol for water?

Crowded rooms may make you feel
like you're being swaddled
by a thousand arms but
I can tell you that there is no warmth like
being held by someone who
loves you back or
being held by someone who
can make you laugh
and has seen you cry
Being held by two small arms and
a girl filled with fire will make you feel
like you're dreaming
before you even shut your eyes
We've been there before -
arms entangled
heart strings entangled
forced by Time to
let go but stay entangled

I don't think you've forgotten just
Ran away and strangled
with new girls who
haven't seen you cry
Cause there's obligation in devotion

You don't wanna hurt someone who's
helped you through it all before
Don't wanna hurt someone
thats healed you

There's no denying
you love me
You told me so
just a few months back

I'm the girl in your dreams
We just meet in our dreams cause
We're both one part courage, one part broken and
there's nothing sleeping can't fix so
I sleep, to see you
I sleep, to fix you

We wake up alone, go to sleep alone
You're sick of counting sheep, well so am I
Why do we hide beneath the sheets that
we've been between together
I remember what you said between mine:
that you've always felt this way
Three years you've felt this way
Three years of telling me 'bout your girlfriends still
you've always felt this way

It wasn't a dream
I'll keep on waking up missing you
Cause you keep depending on
time and place when
what's important is time and faith
I guess I'll keep sleeping,
Cat napping and
Day dreaming

If I filled a pail with all of the words I never said, I would scoop out everything I really meant and
build you a castle,
crumbling with missed opportunity
When I laugh at your jokes, I really wish I could explain how you’re the only thing keeping me alive.
When I send you poems, it is because they make me think of you

We are two soft souls, wrestling to find love
I have found love in you, and I hope you think of me too.

When our lips first touched, it felt like I had finally made it to the day that I had marked in my calendar years ago
Saying goodbye was the day I was expecting
You were my lover lost in my dreams, who found his way to reality

When fear comes knocking at your door, lock it
Call me
I’ll be there in a minute

When pain breaks in through your window,
Do not fight back
Do not run away
Open your arms wide to her,
Embrace her
Then, call me and I will come to embrace you when pain leaves you all alone

If you ever cross sadness on the street, let her keep walking, and hold your head high
Do not make eye contact
Continue forth, you will make it to the other side

I hope that your happiness radiates from the sun
And when it rains down hard, just look for the split of the clouds
I will hold your umbrella

Some days, the monsoon rain will flood your heart with despair
But do not worry, I will toss a life saver to your soul and pull you in close, I promise to never let go

Hurt will come disguised as opportunity with light hair with bright eyes
Do not regret welcoming her
She just made room for love to move in

I will cover your walls with laughter and fill the air with I love yous
You can rest upon my love after a long day, I won’t mind

Just promise me this,
Promise me that you won’t move out unexpected, leaving me vacant
Call my hands home, and promise to me, that you will never leave them with nothing to hold

I, do not have any regrets
You, really should
This is not a break up poem
This is not a girl power poem
This is not a ******* poem
No
Cause I am still heartbroken
In a way I never expected
You see
Leaving me was not the worse decision you have made
Rather leaving yourself was
Where did
      those sunshine eyes go?
      those rocky dreams and
      smooth smooth words
Now everything that leaves your lips have an edge
Even your touch is no longer soft
The world made you hard
And I am sorry
if our love is at all to blame,
I am sorry but
You can not hide behind regrets
Especially when
There are none there to begin with
Give your mother a hug for me and please
Tell her
that I am sorry
Because we both loved our six foot tall teddy bear two years ago even if
he is still standing right in front of us
He is no longer there
And that loss
That absence
Is the hardest to forget

if a time should come when I know your face no longer
remember us comfortably shirtless, talking and laughing in the car
Leave the resentment to the wind and
let's not speak of heartbreak any longer
just remember our hearts wide open
ready to love, vulnerable
beating together- racing to let go first
running from our emotions
as if time was limited
the world was ours and we let it fall through our fingers
I hope to see you again, comfortably shirtless, talking
But if I don't, tell them of our laughter and poetry
That it felt as if our souls were one
Smile, when they ask about me

It took me 17 years to finally meet you and 344 days to finally forget you
It took me 1 night to fall in love with you and 2 mistakes for our hearts to be broken
I felt like we were made for eachother
Like everything happened as it should be as if we were born already in love
My soulmate
We liked the same poems and preferred the same songs
We always laughed together
It seemed so logical it seemed so intelligible
So easy to intellectualize
It was obvious you were my destiny
Till destiny took you away till you ran away till you slept with her till you stayed with her
Every "I'm not ready for a relationship" is a "I'm not ready for you" is a "I don't want you" why couldn't I accept that
Why couldn't you accept that why couldn't you stay away
You come back sporadically
Come back long enough to remind me that you're still there
But she's still there with you

I am long gone
I have sat across from other dark eyes and laughed
I have connected with our men have kissed other men
See I can leave you like you left me
Like he left me
Like my dad left me

Don't know if these new eyes will stay with me or run like you did
Don't know if he feels the chemistry between us if he skipped as he walked away like I did
If he told his friends about me like I did
He reminded me of the first time
Of my first time in love
Of falling in love blindly unaware
I feel the opportunity of forever but don't think I am worth it
Don't think he thinks I'm worth it
I don't think he thinks of me
Maybe he isn't worth it
But I know he is I can't stop running
Can't stop hiding
Last time I put my neck out I nearly drowned
You nearly drowned
Don't want him to drown me again like you did
But I'm already falling
Blindly
Unaware

its best to know that you tried for love's sake

How do you mourn the loss of something you never had in the first place
You were the greatest almost I ever had
I hope to know you again soon

Your footprints are riddled throughout south Boston from our cold walks wandering
They’re still here
Still a reminder of us there

Together was my favorite place to be
But you’re gone like it was nothing
And i miss you like it was something
Those moments felt like everything
Does any of it matter, any more?

maybe its that I'm not meant to forget you forever

To only remain sad after a death, is to live life selfishly.  
But, to brush over heartache with a smile is only going to disrespect your loved one.  
Do justice, have the strength show the world your sadness, but do not forget to wipe the dust off your heart.  
Experience life, that is the best way to serve those who have lost theirs

There is no way
to write about a
heart break so deep
you are not sure it is
still beating

This is the work of
betrayal of
best friends of
soul mates

This is where sin meets
body where
nobody bothers with
excuses because words
mean nothing anymore because
survival means silence

Maybe one day
I'll look back, and you will too
On the three times
I was just but a number for you
Five nights I spent with you as mine
And six months crying over him,
My number has not gone up in over two years
But I have helped the three of you "men"
after giving my heart away though
you didn't want it

I'm two lips closer to forgetting you
Hands are hands and
Mouths breathe fire but
I can't pretend they know me like you do
Legs are legs and
His arms around me feel the same as yours but it doesn't matter cause he doesn't get me like you do
Did
Like you did

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how I might be able to miss you
and not feel sad about it
anymore

in all of my best memories with you, we always were in the car,
maybe you’re just always on the move
you love best in motion

you had to **** time before you picked up your brother
but arrived an hour early
so you picked me up and we went for a drive

you were bored on the way home from your girlfriends,
so you picked me up and we went for a drive

we went to visit our friend and
you stopped in the middle of an intersection
nobody was coming and you got out,
just to make me laugh and boy I did
I screamed for you to get back in
you still deny it ever happened

countless hour long drives together
one car accident, one time being pulled over by the police
one time missing my train, 4 night drives by the farm

you called me in the car, on the way to break up with your girlfriend
you called me in the car, after almost dying in an accident
you ended things in the car

the last time I saw you, we drove separately
said hello with a hug
goodbye with a wave
I hope to drive with you again
don’t know if I ever will

I first met you in sophomore year gym class
We were robbed of a formal introduction but yet I still remember you
It is almost like my heart was telling my brain to hold onto your name a little longer- that I was not getting rid of you anytime soon
I am thankful for that

(We finally had a formal introduction at the beach, I remember the exact picnic table)

50 minute obligatory car rides turned into spontaneous joy rides- you surprising me at my house, just to drive around
We talked about our teachers and classmates, our heart break and happiness

Now, on the brink of adulthood I wish you'd just trust fate the way she has trusted us
******* none of this was accidental
We both have been so broken- we both are so cautious but still let's
take the risk
I've latched onto you telling me that you can't wait to drive a mini van- to be a dad
Because deep down, I want that future with you

He don't leave me smiling like you did
But then again you left me crying too
Maybe he'll at least spare me the heartache

I'm sorry for
what I did cause
I never wanted you all to leave
That wasn't me
I just told the truth and
what happened,
was going to happen
You all broke me and I am sorry I fell this way
I am I mean it
I'm not facetious
I miss you all and I wish it could be the same again
Wish we could laugh together about the good times or talk about the bad but I understand
I still grieve
I am sure you do too
Didn't think that conversation in the green chairs would change everything
Couldn't hold it in anymore
When I shattered so did my walls holding in your secrets
It's not just my fault
And it's not just yours
We're just kids at heart
But we had hearts in our hands
I couldn't watch you let them fall
Had to catch them
So I dropped you
I'm sorry

I have had my heart broken far too many times by broken promises and misconceptions
but no ruin could prepare me for the pain of betrayal by a friend
Her ability to walk away, and scorn me is terrifying
Is this what it had all been about?

Every morning I make my bed
I roll off the mattress and immediately get to work
Straightening my blankets and folding them back
Plumping the spread with throw pillows that were gifted to me and don’t quite go together

But the morning after you leave I lay in the bed a little longer
Leave it messy and tangled even as I leave the house
I come home to a reminder of you being with me for one more night
Messy and tangled

I get into my unmade bed and remember how warm you made me feel
How I didn’t need the layers of blankets for heat and pressure cause
You were there with me
Messy and tangled
Havent we been here before

This morning I made my bed
The sheets were strewn across my room
Requiring a little more effort cause I had neglected them yesterday trying to keep a token of you being with me
I left this morning starting a new week with a made bed but
I want you to be with me
again
Messy and tangled

I am sorry that sometimes
when I'm telling you about a movie
I ruin the ending
But for some reason
when I'm with you
I can feel my soul
spilling from my lips - ready
set go & trying to fit forever into a moment;
laughing like everything makes sense
for once -
Souls colliding
I loose all control over reason
cause I am ready to share
my everything (memories::moments::emotions)
with you

I told my first lie at the age of 5
I told the grocery store cashier that I was 4 years old
My mother called me on my bluff, but she did not realize that this was more than a cute slip up
The only truth in that was that I was terrified of growing up
I longed to find my way to Neverland
I've been lost ever since
Searching, for the answer
I have come close, a few times
17 years into my hunt, I saw both the earth and sky in his green and blue eyes
The fountain of youth flowed through his lips
The second star was right in front of me, shining from his gold strands of hair
Inhaling sweet smoke, we were high enough to fly away
Or so I thought
I forgot the pixie dust, and also forgot about Neverland
Instead I yearned for the future with him

When he left, time stopped
I did not age, and the world around me was frozen
I started praying to the stars that they would one day let me join them
I have stopped trying to fly because you
keep me grounded
I do not want to go away to a world without your voice
Please, sing your future into my present
Paint me in pixie dust
Let me feel your magic
Tell me about what fears follow you like a shadow
I wished to the second star, and the third star and the fourth star until you found your way to me
Just don't go back to Neverland, please
That is to say, if you let me go now, I will not ever return

You left my bed filled with a terrible nostalgia
Now I can’t sleep without dreaming you next to me
I conjure up your ghost
Why do you continue to haunt my sheets