It's been, what, 5 years?

The 1st year, I hid in my room
with depression devouring me

The 2nd year, I broke so many phones
trying to reach you, but you never picked up

The 3rd year, I started pretending you never left
I beat up anyone who tried to convince me otherwise

The 4th year, and I thought learning you would bring you back
Midnights had me studying Chinese, and I didn't care if I got heartburn
eating the spicy tofu you liked so much when you were here

The 5th year, I kind of realised you weren't coming back

But then, somewhere around autumn, you called and with that
horribly familiar accented Korean, you asked to meet.
I should have said no, shouted in your ear, swore at you with all the curses I used to teach you, slammed the phone on you.
I should have done all of those things,
but I didn't.

"So how's it been all these years?"
This is going all wrong, I shouldn't look so excited
I shouldn't be smiling like I'm looking at my favourite person in the world
And you make it sound so simple. "I'm great, thanks."
I guess you'll never know about the hunger strikes,
or the crying,
or the self-harm.

Now everything's falling into place.
We talk and laugh over soju,
and we watch variety shows with me in them,
and dramas and movies with you in them,
and it's like you never left.
Only I can't quite erase the 5 years,
but it seems as if you already have.
It's okay, I don't mind.
(actually, *******)
I love you.

I fell in love with a dancer
all angled jawline and pure ***
He took my body and turned it into
a puppet for his dance in the spotlight

I fell in love with a musician
all slender fingers and carefree spirit
He took my heart and plucked at my
heartstrings so intense they twanged and snapped

I fell in love with an artist
all paint smears and wild imagination
He took my soul and painted pretty pictures
that stayed black and white because he forgot my colours

I fell in love with you
(you were all of those things
yet you were none of those)
and I had nothing left to give
but maybe that's how you like me
broken, scribbled-on, empty shell of me

You used to trace my initials
on fogged-up glass planes
two halves of a heart drawn on tiptoes
other times the inked version
appeared in your journals
I came pouring out of your pen
spilling onto your keyboard
all the fears I never knew I had
you conjured them out
stuck them on me
like sticky-notes you used to
leave around, little reminders
of what was to come
//
it took two orbits of the earth
around the sun
but then you stopped promising
stopped searching
and winter let itself through
the door with the spare key
and the outside
of my fogged-up window
showed a December without snow
and I
and I...

(that cold January morning,
i blew on the glass and
traced your initials
watched them fade away)

jack-frost blue on snow white
circles of grey around midnight black
against the velvet night sky
the silent constellations
i fell
and fell
and fell

i bathed in your irises
but my feet couldn't reach the bottom
and when i tried to surface
the air was frigid
slicing my consciousness into ribbons
i took a breath
the chill seeped in
first it was my toes
then my legs
my stomach
my fingers
my arms
my chest

then you blinked
the ice fractured
and i
i shattered from the inside
out

He brushes lips of chapped silver
against her eager waiting ears
words dipped in warm honey gold
weave through the still morning air into
pretty distractions and buttercup dreams

She’s falling falling f a l l i n g
into those alluring violet eyes
they make for the perfect Solemn and
Earnest when he wants them to be
spinning seductive stardusted half-promises

The gossamer sunlight glints off
his aquamarine hair, and it’s like
like winter’s breath crystallized on the ends
of those beautiful blue strands;
they snare her in their breathtaking tangles

She’s almost asking to be bound
so he complies with those
clever ivory fingers on smooth piano keys
as rich chocolate swirls of his music enfold,
intoxicating-saccharine like whisky truffles

As he reaches out to draw her close,
the world soars in a myriad of colours.

you squinted through
and took a picture
that yellow summer
we sat under green trees
blew bubbles
that popped on the brown bark
the ground was littered with the fallen
a graveyard of white flowers
the wind turned them into dancers
broken butterfly wings
pretty like the boy
with the beautiful dreams
there was wetness on your cheeks
i took your hand
and snapped a picture

it's summer again
i met someone else
he'll become my summer
like you were my spring
in the clockwork seasons
we met and we loved
i used to fill pages with you
now i'm flipping the page
if i loved you
let it become a memory

when he holds out a hand
it's unthinking, the way
you reach out for him
you were both laughing and loving
sprinting towards the light
running from the world

when you're together,
all those fleeting eternities,
everything becomes possible

tufts of light hair
fell into your eyes
swept over your years

now you're reaching up
feeling the short strands,
the bashful pride

you lean against the rail
the night air is blowing
and you're breathing in the hurt

the memories are flooding
and you're running so fast
feet pounding on the sidewalk

your jacket ***** in the wind
brushing the reasons away
taking all the words with you

your voice flows like
warm honey, smoothing
all the pain away
other times it has
lemon undertones,
an elusive something on
the tip of your tongue

when I stand in
the late-morning sun
I wonder if you're also
soaking up the sunshine
where you are

The one thing I want the most
is to un-love you
yet the one thing I'm terrified of
is that gingerly, in degrees
then all of a sudden

all of a sudden

everything will evanesce
like the slanting rain
the hearts i draw
on fogged-up glass
faint pencil lines
on whitewashed stairs
crushed paper stars
i used to fold, alone,
with you

and i will be left
with the frightful emptiness
and i will be left
to fight my dependency on you
and i will be left

(we're locking eyes today and I have something to tell you)

*Don't Leave Me

you're a drifter
addicted to high speeds
quick turns
squeal of car tires
mist on the road
sharp smiles
brittle things
fast cigarettes
harsh spotlights
they fade out at dawn
and you
shut down with them
i cant hold on to you
cant let go of you, either
when im with you
i turn into a drifter
addicted to the chase
that is you

If you let go for a moment
The magic is lost
But we held on all the way
Maybe the point of together
became useless when we lost sight
of important things that were not us
So now we’re gripping too hard
We’re holding too loose
We’ve forgotten how it feels
to be in the middle
If you close your eyes for a moment
The equilibrium is lost

you were so very pretty
the first time i saw you
it was spring
and you were a dream
soft and longing
every smile
blossomed with fragile hope

then the chill in the air gave way to
warm summer breezes in june
and you became more real  
no longer shifting in and out of existence
more solid
more beautiful
i wanted to plant flowers
along the paths you took
so you could only walk on
a lovely road from now on

when june turns to july
and july melts into august
when the leaves fall in september
i'll still want to clear a way for you
you won't be a dream anymore
you won't be a hazy existence
with every step you take
you'll leave your footsteps
singing in the autumn leaves
it will be less painful, then

\ \

Those are narrow, steep stone steps
that lead up to short crusted walls
and gritted grounds of sand  

Overlook the expanse of the lake
the willow trees, the autumn colours
Isolation, as you must learn, comes in
red and dust and wilted golden

when the wind blows
and the leaves rustle,
it is an echoing emptiness

the snow-frosted flower blossoms  
but walk past the fragile elegance
and hear it; listen to the soft sigh
quaver in the cold

a fever breaks over another night
and you're wrapped in the heat of dawn
the orange sun is overpowering
in its iridescent sheen
12am slowly slips away
like when you
hide from the daylight
and slink into the 2AMs
how do i tell you
your eyes are electric
only in the morning
and the gold in your gaze
is singing to me

he wore pastel pajamas
and a crown of feathers
his world was mosaic

petals rained on his hair
red berries trailed his path
and his eyes reflected the ocean in them

he sang
and the leaves danced in fluid motion
he loved
and the ocean was warm in its embrace

she's standing on a platform
as the train chugs on a pebbled railroad
away to April harvests
and scattered hay bales
where the sun dips low
over rolling hills
and the wind whistles
to scarecrows in the golden wheat fields

he sits by a window framing
the dancing scenery
the evening is orange
and it falls in studious rectangles
across the compartment floor
he sleeps,
and the city steals away from him

by the time he gets off that train
he will have replaced his baseball hat
with a straw one
and her pack of pink bubblegum
will have fallen onto the tracks
when he stumbles on the platform

                                                       ­                      they will grow apart
                                                           ­                  she'll write to him
                                                             ­                he won't write back
                                                                ­             and they'll let it be

12am* and imagining
a play on the dark ceiling
1.30am and relieved
for the 5 hours before light
but slumber is a deceptive guy
who lingers just out of frame
3am and wondering
when the sun will rise
end this torture
of lying awake
wanting to sleep
but being disturbed by
slices of daytime memories
haunted by the
ghost of tomorrow
6am and fatigued
wary of sleep that
comes in loose scraps
the sunshine peeks through
and it's time to live out
last night's tomorrow
which will metamorphose
into tonight's insomnia

the sky is pink in its glory
the foam is deep-blue in the sea
it depends on what you're riding
insane with an addict high
or a dream in your motorbike
take a risk
will it be the sunrise or the sunset
anyway, they're all fall-fall and falling
like the bricks blocks in tetris
where victories line up to disappear
and failures just keep on piling

do not let those thoughts escape
because one day
someday
you'll be riding those
above the clouds and
under the waves
over unconceivable hurdles
on the skyline that is purple

Seasons passed us by
I grew, and so did you
In chorus we made the universe spark
At crossroads you kissed my insecurities away
And somewhere along the way
You gave me your heart
I told you I wasn’t good at reciprocating
But you just smiled and said it’s okay
I loved you so much then, for choosing me

you turned
and smiled
so pure
like first snow
on a trail of autumn
crystallized breaths
woolen mittens

so devastating
like white lightning
streaking across the darkness
lone trees on empty fields
splintered branches

i miss you all the time
in between meal times
in the day
in the night
in my dreams
if we were not meant
to walk together to the end
i would rather we never met
because the pain is acute
and the loneliness is addictive

I write you in angsty lines
wild moments
untouched spaces
raucous instants

I try so hard to write you
out of that crack-ed box
out of perceived notions
out of you in real life
out of this universe

but the truth is

there was never any box
and you were the universe yourself
there were so many more edges to you
sides and shades and depths
that I could never grasp

you are insane and beautiful
and genius and narcissistic and
everything I could want to be
nothing I could hope to be

You once said no one on earth
was sane, and there were people
who weren't fully crazy,
but none that were not
and I saved your words
on my desktop, thinking you had
the world figured out

But as I read your social media
at midnight and on tired afternoons
I realize you are only just
learning life like the rest of us

and we all stumbled through
with scraped knees and tear stains
the only difference was
when the waves receded,
you emerged like a king

in that moment
we were glacier
you loved languidly
like we had all the time in the world
i sighed and
my breath fanned out
enough to cover the cracks

lights in our northern souls
we chew peanut butter sandwiches
and contemplate our existences
the future is sticky
and the past is honey-brown
that glues our teeth together
we swallow our words
and drown in the light

it used to be daisies
under shining droplets of sun
transparent sadness
trapped in spiderwebs
now he's left on the
bleak balcony
with only his snapdragons
shaped like flower skulls
living for a tomorrow
no one believes in

sunny afternoons in the mall
strawberry ice-cream dripping
onto the manicured lawn
we'll laze in the shade of the big oak tree
you fall asleep while I try to speak

we make angels in the snow
your lines are sharp and defined
in the light mine falls in shadows
I store away the laughter
you leave around so carelessly

under the warm whites
steam is still rising
from your coffee mug
you left untouched
the wind chimes by the door
sound like your smile
sound like the ending of a day

the 3pm sun is streaming through
the window with
glued-on paper flakes
illuminating the furniture
casting dark shadows
against light wood
and i'm tasting snow
on my tongue
and thinking that this
feels like freedom

stop short in
all of the fleeting moments
rose-tinted lenses
i can still feel
the warmth of your skin
through your jacket material

kiss me
until i can no longer
feel the pull of gravity
until i am among the stars
then i would pick the stars for you
lay them out in the shape of you
hold me
until i feel your warmth
more than the burn of the sun
i would collect sunshine for you
then you could always stand in the light
i would take your hand from here
and we could walk down a flowery path

not anymore
time is falling away
like salt crystals
in the hourglass
with every shedding of spring
our youth is slipping
into the sunset soundless,
just like the way you left
i wish you'd stuck around
but you chose to cut the cord
burn the rainbow down
tell me you found
what you've been looking for
out over at the kingdom in the sky

things done in secret
the scarlet burns inside of me
and green grows within
my temper was forged
by a fiery blacksmith
hard iron on steel
the raging embers
never go out easy
i am the wielder of this sword
gallant knights have taught
me to be the master
but i never learned the lessons well
so it swallows me whole
in its unforgiving hold

it came out of nowhere
like the arrival of summer showers
the bicycle speeding round the corner
my favourite song playing on the radio
i wasn't prepared for you
the way i wasn't prepared to start anew
you're the scent of spring rain
morning coffee
you're my sweet death
and i'm not ready

i want to run far, far away
from this place
and from myself
let me become one of the lost boys
where i will not know
anything beyond this greyness  

let me become nothingness
turn me to dust in the air
ashes in the sea
take me away from the edge of the cliff
and let me fall
i will grow wings
and join the ranks of the
lost and fallen