and we think that we love each other
but we don't
and this is the most heartbreaking part

i want to start something new
with you i was childish and a fool
yet i can't deny that that was ever me
so honest and fragile but never truly free
clung onto you too tightly for security and peace
i feel a change of pace
that i don't have to remain that way
but oh god, on some days
on some days ...
i'd give anything to be that me again
i'd give anything to be that madly in love with you again

i would lay in bed most nights and think a lot. it happened when i was wondering what the hell i was doing. why i was still here. i thought of every last terrible thing i allowed others to do to me. how i forgave, again and again. how much hurt i further allowed. how deeply i knew that i was being treated badly but i still chose to not walk away.
i wanted to hug myself. i wanted to sob. i broke my own heart more than others ever had for me. it took me so long to realize how emotionally unattached i truly was from myself. how not one drop of self-love existed. except on these nights, when the full realization would hit me, and i would weep for myself. over every last terrible thing i endured and accepted. the future mistreating i was currently allowing, and would allow to continue.
i lived in such shadow of myself that it took years to realize i was good. that though i hate myself, i never deserved any of that. i am good.
i lay here some nights with burning eyes and wetness upon my cheeks. breaking my own heart over and over thinking of everything. knowing i still don't have the strength to completely walk away. is this how i am going to live? in constant emotional turmoil and self-inflicted abuse? is this all i am? all that i ever have been? am i just going to remain miserable, allowing them to keep hurting me?
i wanted to hug myself. i began to somewhat love myself, i guess. no one will ever break your heart as much as yourself.

this is me giving up
this is me surrendering
this is me saying i was never your worth
this is me finally leaving
to give you what you want
this is me in defeat
this is me saying that you were right all along
that i was the **** of the earth
and i had you always looking for so much more

the type of love where i catch you staring at me. longingly. admiringly. the type of love i can feel, not only hear. 
the type of love where i look over at you. my eyes become fixated. locked. my heart becomes warm. full. the type of love where i look at you. and i love you. i simply. i love you. 
you meet my glance. with no words. you love me back. you love me back. you don’t even need to say.

you made me feel like i belonged
like i could actually have
a life involved with others
now you're gone
and i am even more alone
than before

was it all
just a joke?

time ticking
the countdown of our love
the expiration date
the end of the book
the end of a good song
the end of you and i, and us

i wrote poetry
he partied
i would overthink
he would oversleep
too lost within the oblivion
of trying to numb away
life
while i was here
thinking about "life" too much
writing about it too much
i enjoyed wine
on a quiet Tuesday evening
he enjoyed liquor
on a wild Friday night

surely
truly
love does attract
"opposites"
i loved him
and he loved me
but he didn't want to live
life
and i
wanted to write about it

we're sitting
in a ***** garage
blasting music
with lyrics
that i am so appalled by
this is his life
this is
it isn't mine

i am
the quiet
Tuesday afternoon girl
who writes her words
to figure out
life
while he is trying
to forget about his
on a Friday night

these lifestyles
we tried to clash
for far too long
so sadly
too long

i left
with love still
beating inside of my heart
because you could never
love me
the way you love
your Friday nights
like you couldn't love
my Tuesday evenings

love is so
crafty
and deceiving
it brought us to meet
we both understood
that life is sad
yet only i
could see its beauty

and our lifestyles
were too different
to sustain the life
for one another

all that i can do now is lay here and feel all of the hurt
and there is no way to escape it except to sleep
and i am laying here wishing that the sun would go away and that time would stop so i can lay here forever in the dark
a moment where i don't need to wake up and force myself to exist
the hurt gets worse
it gets worse
home alone once again and my bed is becoming too lonely where i can't even lay in it either

and you, where are you?
you are out and you are barely alive
and you're doing drugs and you're drinking yourself black
and everyone around you thinks that you're just having fun
when i know you drink because alcohol is your disease and you have to feed it even when you don't want to
you are sad
and you aren't here or happy
but none of them see
except for me

so i can't lay here
in peace
wondering what you are doing or if you are okay
and it shouldn't matter but it does more than anything
because you aren't wondering if i am okay

your lips are on the bottles tonight
and not on mine
and that alone is enough to destroy someone
because i love you
and your alcohol

it does not love you.

'i do not desire you, anymore'
like a closed door
you berated and left me alone
to wither within a passion
i felt was the sun
apparently -
you were too cold

do you have any idea the amount of break up texts i have composed and written within the notes of my phone?
and i kept telling myself, that this time i would send it
yet i knew i was lying
over and over i spilled out the words
only to be unsent and deleted
maybe things need to be over with
if i'm pouring my heart out over break up words
instead of fixing things
because i know that you won't listen
i know that we are done for good
i know that things are unfixable

i can't
i can't admit it

sleep with the door unlocked
hoping that you will come by
crawl next to me in bed
hold me like you never left
it's a false hope
in the morning i know
i'll still wake up alone

wishing
for you and us
is probably
the stupidest thing
that i have ever done

i would walk in the snow and cold, just to see you smile, to absorb some of your warmth,
but you would slam the door in my face and tell me to go home

not allowed to speak
silence has become me
because they all never care
about what i think
or how i am hurting
i'm nothing special
we all hurt
but mine is encasing me lately
it's too hard to get out of bed
i need to just get over this
but i can't find a way to

i know,
we all hurt
yet just for once
can i be heard?

i think of closed spaces and the tiny gaps between our fingers
and how much love used to linger
and the endless suffering which still surfaced as caring
because it was always too **** difficult to let go of each other
and we kept tugging and pulling at each others' fingers until we broke the other
and we blamed loved and claimed it as love
but we were toxic and killed the other
and still to this day, years later, we blame love
because we both desperately wanted and needed "love"
yet love and poison do not mix and all we ever did was create heartaches
i do not believe that i am fit for love, nor are you
love is not blood and the desire to die
love is not leaving the other when the fire becomes too high

keep ******* with my mind
i hope it rots you out from the inside
that is, if you have any shred of humanity left inside of that box you live in
keep playing the selfless and innocent roadside victim
your clean and pure palms are so deceiving when you hold out your hands
only i can see the dirt which lies underneath your fingernails
choking, and seething, lying
and you thought you could be my puppet master as my blood drips down the strings
i ruined the play that you tried to create
so wash your hands, and start all over again with a new and false pretty face

missing someone
and being unable to do
a single thing about it

her laugh was cold.
"i know he doesn't care about me. and the worst part is, i know it, but i can't seem to walk away. i'm sitting here feeling sad for myself for this mess i choose to stay in. and i only have myself to blame."
her smile was small and sad.
"love... it does crazy things."

wherever you are
i hope these words find you well
i hope that you realize
you have many more stories to tell
even when the weight
becomes too heavy
wherever you are
if you aren't right now,
someday you will be smiling

do you ever find it beautiful
how we all
find the strength
to connect
through our inevitable sadness?
if sadness cannot be beautiful
then what are we creating,
by drawing in all together,
to connect and to share
life's despair?

sometimes i still imagine the snowy streets
and the quiet, dark calmness which only winter brings
and the pulsing excitement that i was headed to see you
the radio quietly humming and my mind running like crazy
a million thoughts surrounded by you

but now all of these memories are just purely lonely
and i hate winter and the snowy streets and the quiet darkness which is now so unnerving
because i can't change anything and winter now is only colder
as cold as you are now, frozen fragments inside of my head
i walk around to rid myself of them
yet you remain, you remain
you remain dead

i hate winter
because winter is you
and winter was us

every night
when i walk home
my eyes pierce through the dark
hoping to see you walking, too
towards me
under the streetlights
but you never are

there have been different versions of you
with each and every person,
that you have melded in with your life
different parts you let out, different parts you hide
for the right person, the right soul
yet none completely resonate with your own

there are different versions of you
which one is the one - that is you?
the one when you are human, and raw
and alone
the one you speak to
most true, unafraid

we think we need people
but which one is you -
truly you?
in your solitude -
isn't that where you find
the best version of you?

you wonder why your fist bleeds
as i stand across from you with ****** teeth
and your only concern
is why your knuckles feel so raw
as my teeth fall at your feet, shattering
i am the one who was hurt
left to the pain, fed to the wolves
and yet you are the one crying
for your damaged skin
wondering, wondering, oh -
how dare you hurt me like this!

all of this poetry i have for you and us inside of my head

while you only have whispers and meaningless stutters

who loves whom ‘more’?

today i had someone call me crazy
when they noticed the scars which ravaged up and down my arms
i couldn't say anything, except just think -
so hurting makes me crazy?
the stupidity of how people toss that word around so carelessly
i was never "crazy"
my scars remain as reminders of a past hurt
of a terrible thing i no longer feel the urge to do to myself anymore

so before you label me "crazy"
look at yourself and your ugly thoughts
and how cruel you must be to demean a survivor of their own horrendous thoughts

your body is dead cold
but in my mind
it is warm and alive

i am drained
so drained
so very drained
i cannot seem to find
solace
within a single thing
i am so drained
just let me lay
don't speak
your words have done
enough already

no love where there is no life
no soul where there is no heart
no compassion where there is no passion
no empathy where there is no sympathy

you broke me
beyond repair
it sometimes feel
but this time i
don't want to be that girl
who runs to the next man's
available set of arms
the one who still lives
inside of the sadness
you left behind for me
the one
you no longer feel
i want to heal
to wait
to believe
that something far better than you
is meant for me

so i said to you,
if you're scared of something
i think that you should just do it anyway
you didn't say anything
i forgot that we think so differently

i have never felt so terrible
i have never been an option
it's either me, or a bottle
and you choose the bottle
every time
every single time
your addiction does not love you
not like i do
yet you cannot see
you never listen
you are drowning, lost and gone
i can't help holding on
i can't keep hurting myself
along the razor edges of your broken bottles
as broken as you are
so i only wish, for you to take of yourself
i cannot keep watching you **** yourself

But you say "I love you" to every girl you meet
And that really isn't love,
Just because you are lonely
And what's sad about that is -
You'll never really feel "love"
Because she leaves or you leave
And you're back on the desperate hunt for a new
"I love you"
And this cycle repeats
Love doesn't die when a person walks away
Love is a stitch in the chest that remains
It can't quite ever go away
And I think you know this, but -
You are too scared to be alone
Too scared to live without a love
So jump and jump from this love to that one
I think you are scared because you know
That you can't ever love yourself

i just wanted to make you happy
but you made me so unhappy
and i think that is what actually made you happy