I must ruin your fantasies now
because there will never be beauty in such pain that makes you want to set yourself on fire

No beauty in having the power of making your parents think you are not safe if you do not pick up your phone or in causing them to have panic attacks every time you lock the door

There is no beauty in having a chance and not taking it because there is something wrong with you and you feel so ungradeful because no matter how messed up you might be, many others have it worse

There is no beauty in wanting to get cancer and die so you wouldn't have to do it yourself because it would hurt others less

There is no beauty in the chaos of staying in bed for weeks in a *****, messy apartment and lying about your life being in order

There is no beauty in sleepless nights
Eaten up by ether pain and guilt or numbness and debating whether you should let yourself live another day because you sure as hell know you are what people call a parasite and you don't deserve to be significant to other people

There is no beauty in being a coward and doing absolutely nothing with your life when there is only one thing you have to do, yet you stay in an overly expensive apartment all by yourself  wishing you could just hit the reset button and maybe be born as someone else or not at all

There is no such thing as beauty of madness and there never will be beauty in being me.

I've been hiding baby
Oh for so long
Been afraid I'd turn into the morning fog
I'm still shaking when I'm standing right next to you
You call my name and time just stops

You make sure to hold my hand in a dark room
I'm holding back from you
Because once you get me there is no turning back
In this game of two
heartbreaker and the fool.

Will you love me when all that's left of me are my scars?
Will you love me when dark blinds my eyes?

Will you still love me when I become only a dry shell of a girl I used to be?
Tell me,
Will you love me
When my eyes start to leak a flowing river just when you are about to burst with flames?

Will you love me at night when I simply don't know how to love you back?
Would you love me if I told you that soon I will become your other half you will learn to hate so **** much?
Will you love me?
Because I think
I can't
Even
Love
Myself.

You told me all poetry is about *** or God
Because you know that I have a map of your body well memorized in my mind
And I touch your hands like I'm turning the pages of a Bible
A bookmark I forgot about from the chapter in my life when I believed without reservations
But I love you like a sinner because it seems
you are my last chance of paradise

I am bisexual. I am sure of that.
I've been sure of it for quite some time now.
I came to realize something.
If I end up with a woman I am going to embrace the essence of everything that's broken and ****** up about me and claim it as my own and let it define my identity.
Now don't get me wrong that doesn't mean it's gonna be a sad life or that my female partner will make me miserable.
No!
We will have lots of amazing and breathtaking moments and happy yellow days.
But there will always be some gray in the corner of my vision.
Gray will never leave.
All of my depth will forever be in the back of my mind.
And depth requires some darkness.
But I will be fully me. Real me. A picture frozen in time.

However, if I end up with a man I will probably abandon my depths and my grays.
I will forever be feeling like some part of me is missing but I will be leading a whole new life which will be about learning to love myself and nothing will ever be broken.

Do I even make sense?
What does that say about me?

I see youth in a haze
Sunny afternoons from Mars
Been chasing stars

World still turns
Joints burn
I go back to sunny afternoons
Still in a haze
Now I chase the Moon

Today I visited our spot for the fist time since you’ve been gone

And as I guessed, this year spring came in suspiciously late and I knew that it was because of you. You stopped time for me. Your last miracle.

But it feels ruined in all its beauty without you here. There is no sky under which I can last without you.

You know how I always liked wearing color and I would swear I’d wear yellow to make you smile?

But after they told me you are no more I knew wearing anything but black would never feel right again.

I whipe my tears as the sun hits my face. I avoid your name only to stop myself from sinking.

I divide my being in three: before, with and after you

Now you exist in places I can’t reach with my hands and I ache while I trip over our memories and open windows.


So when tomorrow starts without you and I’ll have rising sun and tears in my eyes and coffee I will honor you.
Love of my life.

My identity is
both water
and oil


                    It does not stick


Sometimes if i pour it in a bottle and shake really well,
for a few moments
I pretend that the SMALLER i get
oli bubbles to be,
the more blended it looks

I shake and I shake
But separation always comes back

Hey you, you look like my lover
Hey you, you remind me of how things were when my heart was whole
Hey you, let me lick your golden fingers
Hey you, will you let me recall her in you?
Hey you, will you allow me to paint you over?
Hey you, will you let go?

Lover, lover, lover let me **** your power you are not weak
Let me take your flower in the middle of the summer somewhere in my corn field.


Am I playing the god with my own mind or just gone crazy?
I hope you like this new body

Lover. Lover. Lover stay. Let the juices flow in my brain. Stay my DMT.

Devil over the shoulder and just last week I burned the last bridge reaching for you in places you do not exist.

Shivers creep on me in the post-******* ecstasy
as I light a cigarette and blue smoke crawls up my skin
Almost can feel you touching me
Giving love to my body

Inhaling the smoke brings back flashbacks of you
Suddenly we are in your room, drunk and young
I ask you to kiss me and you make me a slave
I taste you on my fingers and you taste like sin and whiskey
You pin me to the wall and we share what I thought was air
Rotten lungs and pretty eyes
My cigarettes now burn faster and you are lost in a fog
And although you destroyed me day by day
I never felt more alive
so I find myself reaching for your fire to light just one more cigarette.

The hardest thing in the world
is loving someone who can't love
and who has never known of true love

I loved a girl who had a divergent mirror
And when she looked through that mirror
she saw things far from what they actually were

I was gonna slay dragons
and stop the time for you
But you rejected it
Somehow when I proclaimed my undying love for you
All you could hear is that I was gonna use your vulnerability
I am sorry you did not love yourself enough to let yourself see the truth

Honestly, I am barely surviving without you
I now get that it never stops hurting
And all I can think of is how you look in the moonlight
How your lips were cold and slow
How my ribcage broke the moment you pulled me closer
You are alive in every corner of my mind
Feels ***** yet powerful
And I kinda love it

I can't really be alone at night
So I search for slow cold lips and knowing hands
Pain in the chest. I connect you with pain. The good kind.
I summon you at night.
Whatever I touch I leave numb

Dear Golden Gate Bridge,

    Can you give her back to me?
Split the water in two and I will be Moises
Angry and scared,
desperate and delusional
like Dolly was about Jolene

She fell in love with your edges and your deceiving depths
And you never saw right through her and thought that maybe she just wanted you to be the sloppy second for once. Rebound to a better life.

                                         Splash!

You are a ruthless lover but I'm starting to understand the fascination with that edge of yours.

                                          Breathe in. Breathe out.

Jolene, I need to be baptized in your love
And I will assure you that I can swim and you will pretend to care.

Moises will fly to a sure fall. Let him drown. He would have never made it to Noa's arc anyways.

Let me drown.

Last night you told me you don't love me anymore
You said you are now into bad girls in leather jackets
Wearing cigarette smoke like perfume
And I stuttered. But stopped.
I wanted to cry but I didn't.
Considered being what you want but
Instead, I showed you a wicked smile while
Thinking of running away to the big city


This morning your words taste like freedom.
And I stay just where I'm at.
Instead, you move to the moon
And I am stargazing on picnic blankets

I don't know how is it possible that I keep seeing you in places and in people you can not be.
Today I picked a scenary similar to when we first got faded together.
I tried to push you out of my mind by having Rihanna (one of my  alter egos when I get high) tell me: 'Nahh girl, you will have a ******' happy trip and sorry but this ***** is killing your vibe!'
And Riri rarely speaks.
She liked you. She didn't like anyone.
So I tried to stop picking on the fresh wound in my soul
But you are still there painfully enough.
The first wave hit me and I was out.


I looked at that girl, much different looking than you, start to change.
Suddenly she had your fingers then she put on your face
then your short Harry Potterish hair
and lastly your beautiful eyes.
I will try to not forget them. I promise.
I probably didn't mean to you not even as close like you did to me so why are you showing yourself in MY mind?
Did I matter after all?
Or am I delusional and my sick brain is a Joker's playground?

I feel like I really did love you.
Like for real real.
Because you've inhabited the inside of my ribcage ever since I laid my eyes on you.
Maybe that wasn't some ordinary love because you were never ordinary.
You were a miracle.

In my dreams, you told me how your god now is the devil himself and it struck me how happy you seemed.
And all I ever wanted is for you to be truly happy forever...
So I stopped praying for your mercy.
I've seen you happy for the first time and it doesn't seem like you need it.

3 months since you've been gone
And your demons are now my roommates.

I don't have any amazing stories about my life and about who I am
I don't even know who I am

And I wish I could lose everything and everyone so I could have a valid reason to end my life

I have the best parents
A loving sister
Dear friends
And they don't deserve the pain that would demand to be felt if I killed myself

I don't deserve what I have
I keep letting everything escape my fingers because I never held on tight enough
And pain is festing on my soul like a hungry animal thirsty for blood
Because lately, I am sure there is something wrong with me

My biggest punishment is being aware of the consequences people around me would endure, the aftermath of suicide

I pay my sins with having to live and disappoint over and over again

I am so so sorry. And I know you are tired of my sorrys. But you are never letting go. Because you love me. And I do not deserve that and it's only making things harder

Please hate me. Please.

Mom, can you breathe me back to life?
Can you love me and feed me with rice milk again?
I miss you.
I can tell you all about how rain feels on my skin.
How when the sun shines on me makes my cold sweat looks like little diamonds.
I think I finally get it. Cigarettes are not a proper dinner. Nor is coffee a proper breakfast.
Diamonds on my skin are not precious.
Just wrap me up and tuck me in your pocket.
I promise I will not get your clothes wet.
Just. Don’t. Let. Me. Slip.

Today it became crystal clear why no one has ever wanted me
I drag so much bagage
and am constantly followed
by demons I gave birth to

In fact some would say
It's a good common sense
to stay as far away from me as possible
Yes, maybe my fingers have the potential to do magic in the light or in the dark, doesn't matter if you are the right one
But is that all you are looking for?
Because, for once I'd rather be the full course than the cold leftover

My bipolar
Plays dress up
And I am the model

My bipolar loves me
Until I feel stress and anxiety
Crawling under my skin
And my heart hurts
I feel it getting old and tired

Mania leaves me empty in a black hole that turns out to be my bed
 I sink
And there is nothing I can do
But wait for mania to come back

They say that out of all of zodiac
Gemini's are most likely to be depressed and anxious
I was born on 28th of May

Lately, I don't know how to make things sound like poetry
And I know I promised I'd stop writing about you
But I can't.

And it's stupid how I wait for 4 am driveway lights
So I can turn over and sleep because I know you are home

But insomnia is now my bestest friend
And I ******* miss you.
I use my voice for the first time in months
Ready to learn how to love you
But your driveway lights are now her's happiness.
I hope her's 'I love you's don't start to sound much more like my 'I'm sorry's.
Funny how
we both settled for half the love.

Drake on the radio
And I am slowly learning how to bring out the worst in you
Playing old records- throwback
Focusing on ugly, my history
You can't make me behave
Always trying to burn me
Wish I could have trust in you
But all I ever knew is how to hold grudges
You acting shady, voices in my head getting loud
Hope you never make it to the top
Suprised to catch you off guard
I am the devil in the form of the *****
wanna be sober but I am the high and you can't say no
If you want love I am not the place to stay
I am merely a station, an idea of transition
Thrill after sad days, like the best vacation
Rules don't apply to me
Because I am not your home.

Eat. Purge.
Eat. Purge.
Purge. Purge.

I purged a baby from my abdomen.
Just don’t eat.
Do not eat.
Swallow all those struggles.
Let them eat YOU instead.

God knows you want that **** chocolate.
But you smother the craving and wrap it in your words.
Spit those words. Gunshots.
Bad girls do not deserve chocolate.

I want to go back to the night you first kissed me
To tell you not to make me fall in love with you
and to tell myself I shouldn't dream of your blonde hair
Or what would happen if I stayed the night only so that, in the morning
  I'd see how I am not the path you want to follow
Because I have miles of skin marked with bumpy roads you simply can't take because you get car sick soon so you take the first exit
.
I keep walking with chains tied to my legs.
So loud. I can't hide.

Mama, can a cat’s milk get spoiled?
I think it can.
Your milk was spoiled.
It made all of my thoughts go bad.
I no longer had balance.
I no longer had confidence.
Love tasted disgusting.
So I purged. I always smell so rotten.
So tell me, momma, how can someone raised on spoiled milk ever be beautiful?
And every bite I take tastes like S.P.O.I.L.E.D. M.I.L.K.
So sick. So comforting.

Days have melted into nights
Nights into nothingness
Nothingness into unlimited infinities
Infinities shift to possibilities
Possibilities give birth to chances I never seem to take
Chances transform to regrets
Regrets end up with nosebleeds.
What I'm trying to say is that
I wonder a lot
And it appears that it has often led me off of the road
I found beauty but I also found a place where Color goes to die.

I've dug tunnels on my face

Carved them with the salt trails of tears I wept

I moarned the death of who I used to be and since I numbed the pain people call me Heartless.

Been wearing black more often than I wish to admit
 Even though sometimes I crave rainbow socks ; my nails painted red.

I saw you again last night
I didn't see you for a year
You changed
I thought I'd be a raging mess
But I didn't feel anything
Like you never meant anything
I tried to save you so many times before but
I was never going to be enough
And you looked like you were scared of me suddenly
Like a deer chaught in headlights

I then realized
I was falling in the depths of a pit inside some other dimension
In which we are acting like strangers once again

My time will come, right?
With great hope I write this, tho I don’t know if my heart will stop beating because lately it's been so faint or will it explode by how fast it is pounding now.
I do wrong
I can’t seem to stop.
But I know my time will come and I will be okay.
I used to believe that I would never be okay again
Became all the things I promised I wouldn’t.
Wrapped my bones in cold skin, damp eyes bitter with life.
Nothing really changed but everything did.
My time will come
And maybe some of these days I’ll go home.
I will be okay.
My time has to come.

I can see how badly you are hurting
And it pains me too

You are the man of the night
And I am a woman of the moon

And there is nothing that could break me easier
Than seeing you sad
For you are the love of my life
And your pain is driving me insane.