He loves me
But he’s not in love with me
And it’s breaking my heart
But how can I explain?

كانت مُخيفة، خفيّة إلى الحدّ الذي يجعلها تُلقي النُكت في وسط موجات اكتئابها.

She was so scary
So calm
She had the night under her eyes
She was so hidden that she could laugh in the middle of a panic attack

You kiss me
You whisper
I love you

I kiss you
I whisper
Liar

For the last couple of days , I’ve been going through one of my many depressive episodes.

Medically, these episodes don’t meet the criteria  to be called “depressive” .
But I call them that because they remind me of the times when I was medically psychologically officially depressed.
Same darkness, same hopelessness.

Yesterday my mood wasn’t low. It was underground. Strong enough to drag me with it and watch me gasping for my breath, and laugh.

But yesterday was different.
for the first time I was depressed, but not lonely.
I had a chest under my head, a hand in my hair, and whispers in my ear: I love you, it’s ok.

Yesterday, for the first time, I wanted to beat my depressive episode.

Every guy I meet
Falls for the sparkle in my eyes
They don’t know that
Behind the sparkle
Is where the devils hide

Pain is your body way to tell you something is wrong
When your heart aches, it’s probably because of the wrong person
Or the wrong word
Or the wrong perception
When your heart aches
It’s not okay
And you either push away what hurts it
Or heal it
And sometimes even leaving everything behind.
But
Ignoring it, is never a choice.

You realize how stupid you are
When you look at your heart
An see how you let someone
To cause all of these bruises
In the name of love

I suddenly realized
I have a very big hole
In my heart
That everyone I know
Fall of

The problem is that loving someone in the wrong way and not loving him looks the same.

We had a fight
In the airport
Before five minutes of his flight
He hugged me
Like a fabric hugging an ice cube
Both can’t feel anything
Saying goodbye wasn’t hard
Saying goodbye this way is what broke my heart.

It was like a kid
Opening the gift
He waited for
For too long
Then found
An empty box
When I
Waited for too long
To be alone with you
Then you fell asleep
Alone
In my bed.

And believe me little girl: there’s nothing you can do for someone who chose to be sad.

I would like to punch this headache in the face.

The brave hearts live, the cowards stay safe, and I’m stuck in between.

It’s hard to feel the love when you hate being in a relationship.

My desire to die is sneaking into my heart again but this time it’s wearing a white dress and a veil.

I have a hell inside
That’s why my eyes shine so bright.

My eyes are drowning And my soul is burned
How can I tell my heart to stop hurting for a ****?

I just need to tell someone I want to die, then hold hands and take a walk.

For those who are the future:
Don’t use your freedom as a red carpet for a popular pop singer, or a president.
Don’t walk on it to get a phone that is smarter than you!
Don’t hate, erase all the lines on the map, unite your nationalities to “ human”, let love spread through the oceans.
Don’t be racist, racism pulls the nations back, and the souls down.
Don’t be a slave for the brand of your shirt, for the kardashians granddaughters lips, or for the green paper.
Don’t be a slave for the nothingness, for what will be gone.

You look at the mirror
realize that you changed for someone else
How much you hate it
You start searching for yourself again
You search for the stories you used to hide
For the poems you wrote behind your face
You search for your little secrets hanging on the corner of your lips
For the curses in your eyes
You search for the things you hided untill they were forgotten
And the things you forgot utill they disappeared
unill you disappeared
And the only thing you can see
Is a fake reflection on the mirror.
....
تنظرُ إلى المرآة
و تعي في لحظة واحدة أنّك تغيّرت لأجل أحدهم
تكرهُ نفسك
تبحثُ عن قصائدك المُخبّأة خلف وجهك
عن الأسرار المُعلّقة عند زاوية فمك
تبحثُ عن الشتائم في عينيك
و الغضب في حنجرتك
عن الأشياء التي خبّأتها إلى أن نسيتها
و نسيتها إلى أن اختفت
إلى أن اختفيت
و لا يبقى منك سوى انعكاس كاذب
على المرآة

I just want to tell you everything will be ok. And for you to believe me.

Some woundes can’t be healed with love.
Especially those which were made by the hands of anger.

I can
Imagine spending my life
Drinking from your mouth
My red wine
Smoking your fingers
Geting high on your breaths
Touching every cell of you
Hearing their stories
With every cell of mine.
.
I can
Imagine waking up everyday
To your hair on my face
Your cold feet touching mine
Your stomach nagging for bacon
And your lips starving for a kiss
.
I can
Imagine you as happiness
And sadness
anger
peace
love
As ups and downs
smiles and tears
As roses and thrones
Heaven and hell
Fire and rain
as the good thing in every one of them
.
I can
Imagine you as life
As reality.

I can’t understand moms.
They love you, but really turn your life into hell.

His head on my lap
But I still have this question
Why is there a gap?
My heart and my brain
Are in two different directions
The heart feels warm
A little bit cozy and safe
The brain is a storm
Wishing he could hide in a cave

Sometimes, I have this panic attack on being with someone.
It’s never easy for me to let anyone see the chaotic world behind my ribs. It’s really chaotic behind my ribs.
I sometimes think I prefer spending my Friday nights alone on letting anyone to stick his empty head inside my chest.

Knock knock
Pretty face
Perfect body
******y brain
Unfriend
Block

What if the house you've always wanted to buy wants to be empty  ?

I followed my heart
And now I’m in the bottom.

Sometimes, it’s very difficult to trust you.
The butterflies in my stomach are alive again
But not because of love
This time
It’s because of incertitude
You changed
The sparkle in your eyes is gone
Your smile is so fake
Your chest is so cold
So I know
It’s not my brain
It’s your attitude

أتذوّق العتمة في ضوء الشمس.
I can taste the darkness in the sunshine.

You allow someone to get inside the hidden room in your soul
Then all you can do is watching him changing the furniture
and painting the walls with the color you hate.
Everyone will try to change it the way they like
Everyone will make you regret letting them in.

I started hiding parts of me until they’ve  got mad and left.

من عادتي أن أمشي بطيئًا جدًّا في الحب.
يستيقظ قلبي عندما يرقصُ قلب غيري، و يرقصُ قلبي عندما يبدأُ قلبه بالاحتراق، و يحترق قلبي بعدما يكون قلبه قد أنار العتمة كلها بمفرده.
أمشي بطيئًا بالحب، ولا أعرفُ مشيًا غيره، و لذلك كان على من يُمسك بيدي أن يمشي بسرعة عشرين كيلومتر في الساعة رغم أنّ قلبه يركب طائرة نفّاثة.
طعمُ الطيران يُصبحُ باهتًا عندما تكونُ خائفًا.
و هكذا، أصلُ مُتأخرة لكلّ مرحلة، بعد جُهدٍ لا يراه من كان أمامي يُدحرجُ قلبه ككرة القدم بينما أجرُّ خاصتي خلفي جرًّا.
أصلُ بعد أيّام و أسابيع، بعد أن يكونوا قد أكلوا مشاعرهم ليتسلّوا بها خلال الانتظار.
أصلُ إليهم فارغين إلّا من أُغنية ميّتة و وردة حمراء ذابلة، و الكثير من الضجر.
يضحكُ قلبي، يهمسُ لي أن في حالاتٍ كهذه، ألّا تصلَ أبدًا خيرٌ من أن تصل مُتأخرًا.
ثمّ يجرّني خلفه
و أعود.

...

I’m used to walk very slowly towards love.
My heart yawns when someone’s beats, beats when someone’s is on fire, fires up when someone’s turns into ash.
I walk very slowly towards love and it’s the only way I know.
That’s why whoever trys to hold my hand have to walk 20 kilometers an hour while his heart is on an airplane.
Flying is dull when you’re afraid.
I always arrive late, after putting all my efforts into draging my heart while the one beside me is kicking his like a football.
they wait for me, but when I arraive I find that they ate their feelings because of bordem.
So I have to turn back. And go.

Look at me
Look at me
Do I still look the same?
I don’t
I don’t even know my name
I lost it when i started this
The love of you
No one told me it’s just a game
What a shame !
What a shame !

Your life is so empty it's scary.

I do understand myself.
I understand every scream, every tear, every war, every dream.
But myself doesn't understand me.