admire the blankness:




















now feel the loneliness.














welcome to my heart, dear girl
it is blackness and blankness
please, send someone quick
to fill it

I’m too scared to trust you.

Too scared to trust anyone.


Should I have broken up with you?

No, I love you.


Or maybe I’m just so desperate that the feeling is disguised as love.

(Let’s be desperate together)

I’m so tired


So sick and tired
Of feelings


That I feel nothing.



I wish you could understand
That my fatigue isn’t only physical.


I want to feel the joy of love
The ease of life.

I want to flow and not strain and crack when I dance.

I want to sing for thousands,
Maybe millions

And let them hear my heartfelt screams.

I want to wear whatever the hell I want,

Without being judged.




Can’t you see?

I want to be free.


Why can’t the world


Just let me be?

welcome to ana heaven
where people are collar bones
and thigh gaps are God

we are fragile, like petals
the only simile that saves me
from the harsh reality

i don’t look at you, i look through you
x-ray vision desecrates you
i don’t see you as human
i see bones

you are not thin yet, child
come with me, and it’ll be worth your while
or you collapse into the clouds
and god forbid, you fall back to Earth

stay in play land
where we live off tea and acid reflux

where we spit up food
and giggle like babies
at the sight of our malnourished bodies


give me ana heaven, sick skin
give me laxatives, stick thin

or i have nothing at all.

Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
Nervous
My nerves have failed me yet again.

Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
Twitching
My senses are overwhelmed again.

Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
Shaking
My body can’t handle what it’s taking

Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
My diaphragm is twisting and turning.




                     I’m scared.

Sultry seduction softly spoken in strip clubs,
Cleansing carry-on and cut-away cult-goers,
Booming bandits and brass bullets,
All come together to assemble the assembly.

Wistful wisteria watch willfully
As animals adamantly attack one another,
As cold-cut, careless children caress carnivorous cameras,
And as pricey pigs pinch the pincers of pink pinpricks.

Chaos ensued among the anthill atheists,
Terror engulfed the residences of the Republicans,
Revolting ******* encompassed the demise of the Democrats,
And disgusting dissatisfaction destroyed the “don’t know, don’t do” dwellers.

Tell me, tag-along,
When does willful wanting win?
When does less lead to Ledbetter,
And when does more lead to maybe?

Tell me, strict stranger,
When will Time tell the talkers and tremblers to tune in?
Where should the preposterous and painfully patient people point their pain to?
Where should I left-handedly leave this letter?

Tell me, go-getter,
Will it ever feel better?

you’re gone




and i’m back to feeling



bad



        again.

The glistening tile—
The shiny mirror.

The clear shower curtain—
The silver faucets.

The box of tissues—
The marble counter.

The bright lights—
The green rug.

The green rug
That my knees collapse onto.

The silver faucet
That releases the water
I splash my face with.

The box of tissues—
My only reliable friend.

The marble counter
That I slam my fists on top of.

The door that I lock—
The handle that remains unturned.


Please leave me here


In my place of eternal concern.

spikes and chains
i enjoy the pain
frilly lace
and satin space

you’ve got quite a pretty face
especially when it twists into a scowl
when you put me in my place

There is something looming over my city—
The city of my mind.
Something way bigger than you or me or the world entirely.
Oh, how I tried to protect my desolate little town.
(Where my home is all around)

There are things I can’t show you, fair confidante.
There are things in my city that even I don’t want to see.
(Don’t check the graveyard, too bad I go there everyday)

The corpses of past love and remorse
Tend to like to
Take a little walk
Outside of their burial spot.

“Watch out for them,” I say.
But you don’t seem afraid
To traverse the uneven roads of my mind
Everyday.

Oh no, I’m afraid you’ve run into the criminals of innocence—
The killers of that childlike luminescence.

You fight them without being phased,
But can’t you see the festering wound?
If bubbles over like a steaming cauldron—
It swells like a soon-to-be mother’s belly.

Every time you slay a threatening man,
The wound is opened further.
Seething,
Teeming with bacteria,
The wound rots,
And when I notice it, it’s too late.

You have bored a **** into my desolate little community


Unknowingly.

An ugly mark
On my broken heart.

But it’s okay.

For it’s time to start another day.


and the state of my body

                                     is that of


             utter

                               d
                                       E

                                   C
                  a
     y

A nasty stain,
You'll wring the curtains of me
Someday.

as i sit tense on this plane, i wonder
am i closer to you up here?
do you truly look from the heavens?
do you protect me from regrets?

sweet small talk
fills the child with lies
as murderous eyes stalk
they seek to bleed you till you die

paranoia is incorrect
giddiness unkempt
fear is easier to accept
either way, doom will be met

“mommy, can you do it for me?”
a guilty question wrought in youth
“my love, can you set me free?”
an age-old concept based on truth

death is inevitable and too powerful
shaking, i refuse to accept that
i am ashamed to still be fearful
in my comfort zone, i’m glad

if i join you
what should i say?
i might die once more if i do
simply because you were such a light
a ray that shone upon my darkness
your warm embrace held me quickly
and released all too soon

and if i may tell you,
on the next blood moon...



i truly do love you.

What a grand time you'd have without me
A warm Friday night
One less thing on your mind

It's on times like these
That I'd rather disappear.

your hand on my waist
i found my place
looking at your nervous face
don't want you to give me space
don't let our love go to waste
i want you to proceed with haste
darling, you have me and my lace
stop letting your thoughts doubt love's taste
spread out under you like a sweet candy paste
wonder who will win the race
i've fallen into your embrace
i won't become Love's Disgrace
so finish me slowly,


but with utmost haste.

ashes covered them all
the petals of the rose fall off rather quickly
when poison sickens all
leaving the people and the animals in
a corner, crumpled and smiling weakly.

the State seemed to have lost its mind
no one knew of what was to come
they were forever left behind
they tried to hold in the child’s laugh
the mother’s joy
the father’s grin
the baby’s squeal
they tried to encase it all in a metal dome

it may keep the poison out
but what about those who stood there before?
what about those who’s cells faced drought
who’s lovers were left behind
who’s children were left to die
what about the poison that has sunk into the pores
of generations and many more to come

the disease is long-standing;
thirty years is simply a blink of an eye
for the monster lurking nearby
slowly drowning
slowly suffocating
into the ground, where it will begin to **** more

and still, the city is coated in thin ash
as the sky dies
and the buildings rot
and the occasional visitor cries not for the destruction
but for her sister
who contracted the Poison not too long before the dome
she was paler when she came home
her smile faded as she came home


the city was paler when i came home

just a few years after.

you’re so close—
i can feel you under my skin.


you’re permeating my bones,
my ever sweet rose.


you’re so close—
i love how i can grab you so easily,
and put you in an exotic comatose.


i love your scent—
your fresh scent of regret.


you’re so close—
if i could just have one more turn...


you lay on the floor,
appetizing and deluxe.


i just want
one bite.


you’re so close—
so close that i could just crumple you up,
my ever sweet rose.


you’re fine-tuned to a
fatal perfection,
my dying rose.


let my water sink into your pores and
permeate your cells.


i shall bring you back to life.


you’re so close—
so close i could just touch you and
rip your heart out,
my lifeless rose.


oh, rose,
don’t go.


you’re so far—
after all,
you’re dead.
a jumbled bouquet




hanging out of my arm.

twisting groves of evergreen feel so serene...
comforting to my sore hands in the stream...
violets leap and leopards grow...
springing from the ground to and fro.
the pale blue sky recovers from a dawn-absent night,
as i keel over in sudden fright.

where are you taking me?
the scenery twists
green turning to red and red turning to black,
till it all fades to nothing, and never comes back.

oh, it seems i have awoken.
the morning lilacs twist and turn
inside the little ceramic urn.
the room is barren but for two paintings
one with stripes and one that’s caving
where have you taken me?
i approach one in curiosity
wonder and excitement filling me hurriedly.
the lilacs are at my feet now
lulling me in and telling me to sleep now
      sleep, sleep, they call out in longing.
i must listen to their calling.
i wander through the spiraling air
over to their dusty lair.
and then death himself rises me up,
his presence and hurried silence stifling me far enough
i was taken into a large, red portal,

and then i saw the evergreen again.
and then everything faded to black.






               and then i died.

you held my trust
like a glass in your hands—then you crushed it,



and blamed me for the blood



dripping down your fingers.

[play message?]
>yes

“hi! i’m just calling to let you know what’s been going on lately...guess i’ll start now, since you’re not picking up...hehe...


it so stupid sometimes—
texting certain ways and saying certain things,
as if it will let them know that you’re not okay.

it so pointless,
because they don’t notice when you cry out.

they don’t notice because they aren’t you.

it’s stupid to wish they were you.

it’s stupid to think they’ll know.

it’s stupid to let yourself feel this much.

it’s a luxury to feel those little mental bruises.

it’s disgusting.

you’re disgusting.”



[end of message]
[play again?]
>no
[delete?]
>

sitting here
as the world comes to an end,
i think i’m still



pondering why



my text was left on read.

I am in a room filled with light.
With no more life,
I have my fair share of strife.

The light blinds me,
And I feel all the terrible eyes upon me.

I am naked and vulnerable,
Sitting without defense;
A crumpled *** of paper
Is the shape of my stance.

A tear streaking my face,
I have not gotten the chance to find my place.

But then you come out of the light,
Your black cloak being the only thing I can see.

You kneel down next to me,
And your eyes find where I bleed.

And before I know it,
Your cloak engulfs me,
Your arms steeling me,
Just when I think I might fall into an eternal sleep.

You bandage the wound
That I was unable to see.

And you carry me,
All the way through the deep sea,
Which now seems so shallow to me.

With nothing to fear
When you are near,
I fall into a deep sleep.

And when I wake,



You are right next to me.

when i look you in the eyes


i

        j ust

wa.   nt to


di.    E.


not because i dont

l ov



          e you.


but becaus

e



         my lov

E

        
shared

with you


doesn’t seem



R                 E               A                  L.

the colored light forms the hours
the minutes

time ticking away
there is nothing left for this day

but i cannot go to sleep
for i always have light on me

you can’t unplug me either,
because then you cannot wake up




i can’t wait for the power to go out forever.

hey baby,
don’t get yourself down.
it’s okay because
nothing was wrong with me today.

hey darling,
i’m alright!
nothing ever happened to me
last night!

hey honey,
don’t get yourself down ‘cause
nothing ever went down with me.





i’m sorry,
babe it’s nothing,
really.

the mechanic ebb and flow
of time
continues on as the hours pass by.

collecting dust—
i’m a rotting machine.
my motherboard is overloaded.

but no one comes to help me,
for in all my gray and white glory,
no one can see the decay inside of me.

parts dying away,
short-circuiting dismay,
wires cut long ago.

my static screen is a threat—
they’ll replace me.
i’ll be thrown away.

for the chemicals in my circuit board
to seep into the ground,
and corrupt the natural memory


of the world around.

the
ribbon-like flow of time is
enveloping me and
slowly suffocating me with its rhythm.

i
can’t seem to
see past the clouds that lurk above for
more than ten minutes.

i wish that
i could maintain my anonymity
to you all.


maybe if i
stay quiet,
i can keep it all
hidden inside.

I wish...
I wish I could appreciate myself the way you do.

There are things
That I could maybe consider
That would make me believe
That I am the slightest bit interesting,
Or different.

But I feel like those things don’t compare,
When I cannot be competent enough to succeed in everything else.

I still fail to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

When I look to myself,
I do not feel like I am to be mixed up in the crowd,
Or to be like everyone else.

I see myself as standing out in that crowd.
But not to perform or exude confidence,
But rather to overtake the dazzling show someone else is putting on
Just by being themselves.

I jump in front of this amazing person,
Unable to control my actions.
I humiliate myself,
With every eye turned on me.

Maybe
I’m not jumping in front of this person.
Maybe
I’m just being myself.
But being myself is exactly what I hate.

I am once again the Reaper of Happiness.
Not from myself,
But from others.

I am not unfortunate enough to have nothing.
In fact, I have everything.
I have someone who loves me
And who I love back.
I have people who love me,
Even though I don’t say it back.
I have friends who care about me,
And always have my back.
And I have parents
Who feel the joy of raising me.

I have everything


Except myself.

I have stepped out of my eyes

And I’ve seen what it’s like to be an observer.

It is a strange feeling of weightlessness that only occurs when I’m tired.

And it is then,
Then when I realize,
That I am able to live from afar,
Live off calculations.

Smile when she smiles,
Laugh when he laughs.

I am the shrewd observer of myself,
Watching my every move.

I am the eye searching through my window,
Unable to see the full picture of me
Through the thin slits in the blinds.

I am the reflection in my mirror,
Looking away when I remove my clothes.

I am the persona I see of myself online,
Taking ten pictures
Until it looks just right.

Sometimes,
I am the fake facade
That actually likes what she sees.

I am the fake facade,
Who’s smile comes and leaves.

I will never be able to see
What you hold so dearly in me.

Appreciation I give myself comes in small fragments
Like light shining in through a glass pane on a ceiling.

So close, and so intimate
That I can feel the rays warming my skin,
Feel their energy.

But so far,
when I try to reach for the glass pane
In hope
It is far out of reach.
But from my perspective,
It is something so easy to achieve.
And thus,
Happiness becomes something I must  conceive.

I will never reach the point
In which I understand
why you want our hands to be joined.

I am below you,
And you are above me.
A twisted hierarchy
That I will never be unable to see.

So therefore you’d be better off




If you don’t pour all of your valuable self

Into me.

So, you fancy fame?
Are you willing to step into the frame,
And give up your life
In exchange for the spotlight?

Careful--
It could go out soon.
Wistful--
Listen to the monster's croon.

So, you envy the game?
Will you keep your reputation tame?

And listen as they watch,
While you are left all done and used


Like another belt notch.

i approached the door,
and fear approached me.

i stood in front of the
door and
anticipation stood in front of me.

suddenly,
the air smelled like a
fresh day by the salty sea and the
air tasted like salt.

my heart beat
faster—

thump



thump



thump


thump

thump
thump
thump
thump
thump
thu


suddenly,
the salty air grabbed hold of my tongue and
pervaded its tastebuds and
with a salty fist it
punched my teeth in and
now the taste of salt had invaded my mouth.

the pores on my body
then leaked a hot liquid—
so hot and salty that
it ran cold over my overheating body.
the unpleasant liquid was
relieving during that moment.

my
peripheral vision had
clouds that slowly moved along,
clouding my judgement,
clouding my mind.

my body underwent multiple tremors
at the expense of the intensity everything seemed to have in that moment.


with one
trembling
shaking
nervous hand, i
turned the **** on the door—




and all that lay behind it was












a barren room. nothing more,




                            nothing less.

i shouldn’t have broken your trust, and i don’t expect to see you again but





i still miss hanging out with you



that summer.

Shall one dare to raise the question,
"What is the legitimacy of His Majesty's ruling?"
One would surely be relieved of their head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

'Tis alright, however, since there is still freedom.

"What such freedom exists, when one cannot question another?"

Much freedom still exists in other aspects, so fear not, ignorant one.

Anyways, you should have no reason to question His rule,
For you have served this kingdom well, my feigning innocence.
You, sir, have done wondrously in raising your sword to the enemy.

"But, Father, if I may interject, how come I do not feel free?"

You swore your blood and marrow to the wealth of His Majesty,
And now one such as you dares to raise that prickling question?
You shall have your freedom in due time, my withered husk.

"Father, who is the Majesty?"

You do not ask of the King's personal affairs.

"But, respectfully, I do want to know who it is I am fighting for."

You are fighting on the behalf of our country, for the greater good.

"Father, that does not answer my question. Who is he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~

Fine, my woeful son--do you wish to know who the King is?
He is standing right in front of you,

And he orders your execution.

my dear, your eyes are made of glass...
oh, no...it seems they have shattered again.

my love, you must understand that...
the most beautiful eyes
have to be formed with heat.

oh, darling,
it seems i have melted them again.


oh, no...i seem to have hurt you...



the fragments of your shattered eyes


are making you bleed again.

when my eyelids close
you flit away
again today

when the sky darkens
the devil unburdens
giving all his sorrow to me behind the curtains

when the night is deep
the angels sleep
and with their consciousness goes the secrets they keep

when it begins to rain
it marks the return of the pain
eating away at my brain

when you hear the start of the etude
on comes the solitude
and you find it awfully rude

and when i'm done writing this poem
the colors will fade away
all of the hope sinking into the gray
for when it's typed and i can lock the box and put it away
i will have to return to a day of dismay

I know I have let you all down.
My heart stings at the sound of my voice.
I’ll give the people what they want.
My heart aches at the feeling of my warmth.

I can feel your words cut through my back.
Silently whispered between the walls.
I can feel your lips brush against my neck.
Sensations felt long ago.

I sense your eyes boring into me
It was there for a long time.
What do you say when I’m not there?
It was said for a long time.

I’ve been sad for a long time.
I’ve felt bad for a long time.
I’ve thought about this for a long time.


I mean it this time.

i walk through this desolate place of
death,
remorse,
ruined love,
and regret.

i eye the gravestones—
the words etched into the marble.

i eye the faceless words
staring back at me.

i look at the flowers—
empty promises of remembrance and once-lived love.

i look at the flowers—
some wilted and dying.

the huge trees overshadowing me,
i feel lost in this cemetery.

i look to the stones in the area for people who have been cremated—
reminders of love, life, and existence burned into a million ashes.

i feel the presence of all the death.
i feel it sinking into me.




i wonder when i’ll join them?

stop
breathing
stop
moving
stop
beating
(heart)
stop
writing

The look of distaste
Spreads across your face.

Yes, this is indeed
Deserved hate.

I just came in
And took your place.

Yes, indeed,
This is my designated fate.

We have nothing in common,
But we both know the same feeling.

We both know the feeling of loving someone more then ourselves.

Yes, indeed,
It is guilty I plead.

So crucify me,
Pin me to a wall,
And stab me—
I don’t care.

For all of it
Is deserved by me.

A thousand times over,



I am sorry

Needle into you
Bores holes into my soul
Needle into me
Saves me from tragedy

Torture tools upset you
They frighten me, too
But what can you do?
It happens all too soon

And hope runs away
Far from this place
Poked him, said he was gay
Face meets metal plate

So scream, scream, little girl
Run and scream, you ******* freak
It’s all you’ve got left
Because you’re next

The blackness gets you
But you don’t understand
Just take my hand
When you’re dead, you’ll be glad

So scream, scream little boy
Run and scream, you ******* freak
It’s all you’re good for
They don’t need you anymore

Scream away your vocal chords
You ******* *****
Don’t you know you’re the reason he died?
If I could cut you, I would
But I think that’s a crime
Run until your lazy legs stop
You pathetic *****
Run, before I bleed you
Run, before I realize

How much I need you

For you don’t exist

Because this poem
Is about me.

what do i do when

the skin on my chest isn’t
real enough to be
opened?


what do i do when
the buttons of my blouse
don’t fasten so
you can’t pull them apart?


what do i do when
the heart inside my body isn’t
really beating at all and
everything is rotting away and dead?



what do i do when




there really isn’t anything wrong with my head?

A tiny flare
Inside my hands
Grows bigger at the feeling
The feeling of want

That big flare
Rushes around a sky
With clouds that don’t deserve
To be illuminated

Sparks shoot out
There’s rain coming from the clouds
The big flare
Becomes smaller again

Sparks turn to ashes
My hands are burnt
No more light
In this rainy sky

During this period
I lose track of time
Everything is coated in sorrow
It feels as if months go by


But then the clouds clear
No more rain is near
A drizzle here and there
But still, we’re safe
This place is all warm
And, now,

The flare is shining, beautiful and bright
In my hands
Tonight.

I love your idea of success
How you want to sing
But you can never get on that stage
You will never be your best
Because your best
Is the same as all the rest

Hopeless


Staring down at you
It never mattered
What does it do?
You never mattered

You don’t have a future
Maybe you should give up now
You should be more like her
Well, it’s too late right now

Buried in roses
I’d vanish happily
For once, I know this
The actions I do are all I am, sadly

I wish to wither
I wish to splinter
I wish to fade with the winter

Please, just look at me kindly

for once.

I know you are fearful,
For you have been treated this way before
But I am merciful;
“Please listen!” You implore,
But I am too regretful.

You know how I am,
For I have never changed
But your embrace is plentiful;
“I will! I promise!” I cry in rage,
But you are just too wistful.

I wish I could show you
The things I feel everyday
But my mind is hurtful;
“Please, stay for a bit longer.” I say,
But I am not so hopeful.

I was right.

It was hard,


But you said goodbye.

We would be friends...
That's how it could have been.
We would have fun...
That's how it could have been.

I wonder why I still think of how you might see me?
The opportunity has passed already.
I wonder why I still fancy having a conversation with you?
That's no longer possible.

Maybe, one day we could still be friends...
That's how it could be.
We might be able to have fun...
That's how it can be.

Maybe, one day your friendship
Could breathe into me
The life that I held so dear,
But had forgotten so easily.

i do not know
what to write,

so i fill the empty spaces of my sentence
with the teardrops from the previous paragraph.

i do not know
what to say,

so i repeat the verse
i started yesterday.

i do not know
what my direction is,

so i write the stanza
winding into nothingness like a bookcase.

i do not remember
how i write my poems,

so i draw from feelings
felt long ago.

i do not remember
how to read,

so i recall a passage from a chapter book
i have yet to finish.

i do not know
if this has a rhythm or an order,

but i know i will find it soon.

poetry will come back to me
on the next crescent moon.

I wish you were someone I could read—
I wish I could know if you really love me.


I wish your voice was something I could understand.

Your way of speaking seems so soft at times—
You have a rich baritone that encompasses so many mysteries.

I wish your eyes were something I could read.

The way you look at me is like no other—
But I’m too afraid to look back.

I wish your voice was something I could understand.


When you sing to me,
The notes and melodies interlace in a ribbony flow—
Almost like that of caramel.

When I lay my head on your chest,
I can feel the vibrations from your vocal cords as you speak.


I wish your voice was something I could see.


Disguised in flowing silk—
Your voice can feel like a ploy.

I wish my contempt


Was something you could see.

i’m honestly scared to death of
falling for you but
maybe i’ll just


let it all play out.

And then my heart stopped short
As the rest of me rushed to keep up
And your face held placidly in the moonlight


You’re so very dark with your eyelashes and hair
I could steal it all away for myself
As my tears slowly crystallize

Your skin glows faintly
In the begging starlight
Calling me, beckoning me
For just one touch

Oh, how I would have you
If it could have been the other way
I could hold you in my arms
As I cherish your warmth


Oh, if only you knew how I love you
I wish it could be the other way
I wish you knew how I would hold you
And how I long for you day after day.

you’ve always




disliked me






on a grave scale.

Would you like it if I cried?
Would that make it more real to you?
Would you like it if I died?
Would that make my feelings true?

Would you make me go and hide?
Would that finally impress you?
Would you eat up all my pride?
Would that satisfy you?

That's how you'd like it.
That's how you'd like it, isn't it?

That's how I'd like it.

i’m doing good!
you know, maybe there’s more to this than sadness.
maybe i’ll get through this.

i’ll dig myself out of this grave with my bare, ****** hands.

i’ll grab fistfuls of dirt and shove my way to the top.

i’ll pull out the weeds and i’ll scream and scream,

and if no one hears me out, i’ll still find a way.


and once i get to the top,


there’ll be people up there



waiting for me.