Wondering how at nearly 25
I'm feelin left out?
This shelved life
got me in two minds
But I won't cry over split milk
It'll soon be dried
Up like the invites
I forgot to R.S.V.P
too busy tellin you
I'm just too busy
tryin to do me,
Right?*

Just do right by me
tonight
And bring me back in.
Going off ain't a sin,
Yeah I may have gone off
but not by much.
Still here on the side,
Tried to stay in touch
Reaching distance,
So reach out
And pick me up
it's worthwhile
you've not had enough
What's gone today,
come tomorrow will fill your cup.
Left overs still the best
Just need some heating up,
A fresh season,
a little warmth and love

I see a lot of Take

                        So I no longer Give

Going back to what you know.
All the signs tellin you to stop,
Reroute, it's not the way to go

It's just not the same,
Couldn't be maintained
Left to decay
in the time lapsed
collapsed and what remains
is a husk that just adds to the
echo of the pain
you ran here to escape
Walls of dust clinging onto the pasts shape
Dissipating
Fallin away
Fillin your lungs
along with all those things you failed
to get off your chest along the way

And you wonder why you can't breath?
Why your heart got so heavy it fell off your sleeve?
Why your mind stole your dreams and now you can't sleep?
Why your faith was overrun by your worries and now You can't believe?!

Even here Collapsing on your knees
choking back the tears
As you try to put it back together
piece by piece

But it's gone.

There's nothing here for you anymore
You must leave
the road lead nowhere
And nowhere is where this road leads
A circle always comes up empty
No matter how far you reach

Be an exile.
Find your feet
In less polluted airs
Fill up those lungs
Where you have space to breathe
Pick up that heart
with the strength it took to take the leap
Towards the Fresh Start
no decay, no debris.
Come out the Dark
you'll be ok, you will see
well enough in time
to carve your own path
Be Free

I love you very much

I love you more than I show
And much more than I say

But know
if there's one thing I do
It is love you

It's funny how those first meetings are etched into your memory
At the time you have no idea of the significance or the impact that meeting would have

When I first met you,
you was wearing a batman
onesie in Maccy D's
You gave someone else a hug
Looked at me, I smiled shyly
Little did I know how special
You would come to mean to me.

Last time I saw you
I gave you a hug that I didn't really want to end
Now I'm sat in a park, surrounded by people playing pretend
Because there's only one person I really want to be here with
And that's you

There is something so timeless about the sea. He stood witness to its all encompassing beauty, watchin the ebb and flow of time and life. Captured and captivated but free from all thought and all worry. 
 
Just standin on a rock, in the bay. A plynth the sands of time had been left in a settlement between earth and ocean long ago, a viewing platform to satisfy the Seas only plea "See Me" 

He stood by its shores as all others before him had and in a moment he shared in all the collected memories of humanity. Of those first souls that made it to its shores from the desert, across the sands of time to dip a foot of weary and worn down soles into its abyss yet stand still as he does, captured and captivated, to watch it wave all the hellos and goodbyes ever given in an eternity.

None knew how long they stood there for, for there was no need. Though a part of them will probably remain there always. There is something so timeless about the sea...

So I'll throw stones,
cause I can already see the cracks.
Aim for them and brace myself
for all that's hailed back
Cause sometimes the best way
to see who you really are
is to see what you do under attack
I won't rely on glass to protect me,
I'll have my own back 
Shatter my own shell
Be rid of false Fragility,
Free all the ability
With the agility
Gained from the shield I now lack

Sometimes I put my headphones in
No music playin
Just to muffle out the background noise
Of all they're sayin ,
all the empty conversation
I'm secretly sat here craving
From Better days when
This paranoia wasn't constantly
Invading my brain and
I could entertain it
Sit here without fear
Cause I was going somewhere
With people I could call friends
Without questioning motivations

Unquestioning motivation
Faltered
Now sleign , altered
And warped by blame
checked into the Awk-ward
I wait in urgency
hoping This was no accident
And I'll imerge and see
The bigger picture
Fat-e
But for now I shrink
Violently
Weight droppin off of me
still feelin heavy
Propped up on this bus seat
Weighing up whether
I should miss my stop
Cause I'm not sat near the bell
And God forbid I ask someone for help

Cause then they'd have to look at me

But don't look at me,
Don't you dare look at me!
I can't face you today
I can't even face me
That's why I don't take a window seat
And you have to begrudgingly
Shimmy past me to take yours
Or walk past to the back
Silently cursing me

I wish you'd sing instead
I've got no music playin
Clear my head
lend an Ear-nestle next to me
Did I not earn your earnesty?
If I've got your back
Won't you back me?
Or will I turn round
Reach out
Only to find your shadow stretchin
Out of reach
Like a weary soul-dier
you take your leave...

I try to shake mine off
Anxietree
Break some branches,
Tryin to get free
Oh-live!
They Silently scream
But I'm struggling
To even make it off my seat
Go live
In three
But I can no longer perform
Go on without me
Forget me
Only thing on the way up
Is mum's spaghetti!
Need some Bob Marley
Get up, stand up
But my legs won't let me!
Musics off
So it's down to me
Get up, stand up
Used to be so easy
Get up stand up

Your bus stop is here

No music playin in my ear
But right now I could do
With a mellowdy

"Loads of guys talk to Rhi"
On a day such statements and possible insinuations don't **** me off
they actually entertain me.

What do people think of me?
What do they really see?
Used to be a source of teenage paranoia
Now I'm more intrigued

It's 6 am,
After party at Mag's house!
Everyone's sleepy
Sun's coming up
Smokers coming in and out from the balcony
Sliding doors
Dawn chorus
Sat in the darkest corner
On a wicker chair
Tryin to go unseen
Feelin I look a state
Makeup has started to fade
No longer hiding me
No one in this room
Would know though
About that insecurity
Had me Avoidin mirrors
When out since the age of 15
That's a long time to not be
able to face yourself

But now this young guys facing me
I've sparked an interest you see
Half cut Johny who I shared the car journey
Back with has been spreading the word
That I do carpentry
And he's intrigued
So he's crouched down beside me
Eyes wide open,
Probing me, testing my knowledge
Rollin off his story of going off the rails
And joining the army
But how carpentry gives him some peace
I smile, I listen, I speak
Shake his hand
As he introduces himself as Steve
Asks if he's steppin on anyone's toes
Cause he believes the Dj
That's followed us back
For the after party
Is my boyfriend
Cause we were talkin
And he was stood next to me
I laugh at how fast
Assumptions are made
In the dark
It's kinda funny
He feels awkward now
Says it's nice to meet me
Leaves
Sigh of relief

Why do loads of guys talk to Rhi?
The banter most probably

Hear Dj taking the Micky
(Turns out to be his name ironically)
As he walks back in
Tryin to set up his sound system
Steve says get some Scart leads
We're cracking up
I say something off the cuff, witty
He Spuds me
I'm a "bro" after all right

What do you do?
I dance
But you was stood behind me all night!
Ha! No, just for a bit,
I was watching what you was doin
He starts telling me about beats per minute
I ask him bout the Djing
How I'm interested in doin it
We Banter about how he'd teach me
How I'd be his prodigy
I think he means it

Says we got him in trouble with the club
For changing up his set
Cause we were goin in
We were feelin it
Asks me to guess where he's from
I say You look mixed race
But I bet your Cypriot
Says he's Half Turk, half Greek
That's why things didn't work out
between Mummy and Daddy
Chuckles softly

He's a Barber during the week
Cut Rita Oras hair the other day
Shows me the tweet
He's likable, pretty sweet
Says he's glad I'm there
Cause he doesn't know anyone here
And he'd have no one to talk to
A shy dj
Looks like Drake
Kind of a giveaway
His Nose is running
I say
what have you been sniffing
Grinning teeth
Smiles and shakes his head
How can you say that
To Someone you've just met?!
You're cheeky!
Asks if I smoke or do drugs
When I reply no
He jokingly asks to marry me
I say where's the ring?
He gets out his keys
Puts it on my finger we laugh
Who knew getting a wife
would be that easy?
Calm down sunshine!
my games more stealthy

But I reiterate
"loads of guys talk to Rhi"

What do they mean?
I'm a guys girl
Always have always will be
If this night has confirmed anything
It's that
Certain females just don't warm to me
Give them a compliment
They're ******* me
Make a joke
They're ******* me
Dance by one
Accidentally knock her phone
Out her hand she sits down immediately
Face of thunder
I Say sorry,
Skulk off awkwardly
Beat myself up about it momentarily
Then get annoyed and think **** it
Head back to where I'm meant to be
Just the dance floor and me
Where I get smiles and laughs and looks
I can't quite decipher
"White gyal skanker!"
Mutter out apologies as I stand on
Some guys toes
Tells me no worries I'm a dancer

Hell I'm a flirt too!
I speak to guys cause
it's what I know how to do
It's easy conversation
It's fun
But I know that when this nights over
it's all said and done
No need to mention
I have no true intention
Of speaking to or seeing these people again
Maybe I should
Maybe that's how I'll make connections
But for now I'm tired but it's a good tired
I feel at peace
There's something wonderfully dreamy
About the after party
People slowly waking up from the make believe of the night
As they're fighting off sleep
DJ Micky making his way out the door
Shoutin back
Make sure you message me!

I won't

For now It's time to head home
I take my leave
As I exit
Wave bye to Steve

Thinkin Why is it guys talk to me?

For the same reasons anyone would really
I listen
I guess maybe I put them at ease

You know sometimes
You catch me unaware

Like when I'm brushing your hair
And you rest your head on my stomach
But I feel your warmth in My chest
Inhale, Exhale
As I always have
but there's a Change in my breath

And suddenly this moment
Becomes very real,
yet ethereal  
it delicately spreads.
Like my fingers
Through these
Waves cascading
Down your neck
Framing
Your beautiful face

It leaves a smile on mine
To be sharing this space with you
In this place with you
Meet your eyes gaze

You call me Rhipunzal
But it's your locks
That give me a way in
Got me appreciating
Little moments like this
The closeness, the bliss
And I may still have a lot more to
Learn about love
But I can feel it here
In the quiet
On your forehead
In my kiss

Seems like
Words are failing
Maybe We should use our mouths
For other things

How about kissing?
Right there
On that part of my naval
As I brush your hair

Maybe I'll let out a little sigh
As you linger there for a while
Look up and smile
Pretty eyes got me gazing

Words may be failing but
There's other ways to speak
Your hands gently trailing
got my body feeling Weak

Self control startin to slip
Better watch my mouth
As I bite your lip
It stings
But not the way words do
No need for censorship

This mouths being used for other things

Maybe to let out a laugh,a little grin
As you make your move
To help me relax and
Leave your mark on my skin

Raising the heat
Got me craving!
Tongues may be wagging
In the morning
But ours are for tasting

So what do you say?

Mmm don't speak.
My hearts racing
Legs shaking
As you play your mouth piece

Sighhhh

And I
Might just have to pull you in tight
Might just have to have you all night
But don't worry
It's our lil secret, I won't say a thing

Words may have failed us
But mouths don't need words
To do wonderous things

;)

Bambi knew way too much

Far too young

Watched Mama get shot in front

Of eyes and ears just opening

Deafening Death

When Life had just begun

I'm zoned
Brains foggy
Can't even hold a conversation
With those closest to me
All this vocabulary
And I've run out of things to say
So I just talk ****
To fill the silence for a bit
But I can't be arsed
I quit
How bout you take over for a sec
Cause it's not just my responsibility
To remain enthusiastic
Asterisk
*having or showing intense and eager enjoyment, interest, or approval
Yeah,that's effort
haven't felt that way for a while
and I won't force it
So you speak
And maybe I'll listen
If it's not more of the same
Look up once or twice
If you say my name
Get annoyed that I'm in a stupor
Don't be so vain!
Can't you see it's just my brain
No one's home
It's nodded off again
I'm in The nil zone
But What can I say
I'm prone!
I won't pretend
Its a Shame
You're not entertained
but this Influx of Hormones
Got me feelin like being alone today
Hand me some chocolate
And some dumbed down TV
Oh ****! Just my luck I've given up dairy!
No ***** to give, I'm gettin none today
Just my luck I'm feelin hella *****
And my boyfriends away
But **** it, I'm tired anyway
Frustration got me in disarray
******* Sun! I didn't see you today
It's gloomy, I'm angry, I'm stressed
Call the A team
Here comes Mr P.M.T and Mrs P.M.S

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"* she said.

"Well" I said
Maybe I don't mind this glass house of mine being shattered, maybe that's the idea.

Maybe I'd prefer to be seen in all my transparency so you can no longer doubt or question me, cause maybe the glass that forms the walls of this cage isn't see through enough for me.

It fogs with the breath left from all those half truths and words I use to give you clues as to Who I am and Who I'm not.
The words that echo back to me creating so near, so far images of the me that I've forgot.

Maybe in that fog you're not the only one that can't see me properly.
I can't see out...looks frosty
I'm cold, yet I can't stand the heat
As this glass refracts light from gazes
Of spectators and haters pointing pointless fingers as they take a seat,
Insulates a rage in me!

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" she said

As if I couldn't take what was about to come.
As if to dismissively say
You're not ready yet
Don't let this cocoon you've
created come undone.
Giving me forewarning
so I could standstill and run.
Look at me!
I stand still but I run!

But Maybe I don't mind being homeless,
Maybe if I'm home less I'll feel home more in myself absent of barriers,
comforts and fears of wealth and worth
So I grit my teeth,
dig my feet into the earth

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" she said

As I hailed the first one at her 
Watched the crack spread
Across her face
Creating lace shapes
And split her head in two
As her image struggled to cling on
With every molton strand of sand
Left to her but she had no time left to seek
as she fell creating a mosaic of shards,
broken glass at my feet

Stepped over them

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones she said

Well I just did

Cause I helped raise this Glass House in fear

And I will knock down any monument to dictatorship

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the fake person
As I try to be polite
Extend consideration, be nice, be kind

Cause really you'd have to be blind
Not to see How little time I have to waste
On wastes of time

I'm an **** man
So to see the back of you
I really wouldn't mind

If i could only be arsed man
To look In your direction
If only you had any
to speak of or find

Her name is Chandney
In Punjabi it means the Moon
The thing about the moon is
It's not always appreciated
as much as it should be

The Sun steals all the glory
The Moon merely awaits its time
To come and reflect on the days
the Sun has left behind

The Moon picks up the pieces.

Chandney is my best friend
for a time she was my only friend
The only person I would call a friend
Not because I'd known her for so long
But because of all the things she'd done

Like coming to my door everyday
after school when I'd dropped out
and wasn't leaving the house,
tellin me about her day through the
intercom when she was young
and had the time to do that

The Moon kept me in touch
with the world of the Sun,
gave me a little bit of light left over
in the days when I saw none

And that's something that I will never forget

Like the first time I saw the moon cry
This moon is strong, this moon has pride
That hurt me inside
And every time since when I've seen
a sad face etched on your surface

I've cried with you, side by side
As you were Beside yourself
Day I realised that love comes
In many different forms
Cause I'd go above and beyond
anything I could ever do for myself
To reach out to you, lift you up
make you Smile, offer help

As long as I'm around
I want you to know
That the Moon is never truly alone
You have a sky full of stars
to keep you company
Consider the closest one to You as Me

We've shared some memorable nights
You and I
From first sleep overs
To gettin waved for the first time

Unlike so many The Moon
doesn't change with the tides
Loyal friend to this lunatic
The Moon changes the tides

When I was left alone
Crying night after night
The Moon watched over me
The Moon kept me company
Even in silence when
I didn't want to speak

The Moon was there

The constant silver lining
Reminding me that a new
day was gonna come
And I'd see the dark times through
Moon by my side goin through
the dark times too

We met as kids
And together we grew
I believe life for me is like
Those late night car journies
I'm Lucky, It's True

That No matter where you go
When you look out the window
The Moon is always with you

It hurts cause I'm well aware

You simply do not have room in your own self centeredness to care

I know, cause I've been there

I'm still there

They call it a depression because it is like sinking.

It's like sinking in a perspex box. You can see the help, you can hear the muffled voices as you start to go under but they just can't get to you.

But what if you realised that that perspex box was in fact a bubble, and that bubbles float and that you could stay afloat until you could see it through. You could see through the haze and see this despair in all its transparency: it's pain and pain subsides, these tides won't take you under. You're not trapped in a perspex box, you're in a bubble, a compromised barrier easily popped and they will reach out to you , their voices will become clear, hold out your hand, lend an ear...listen and they will listen back.

I feel at home* when you hold me
Head resting on your chest
Hear your heart beat
Your arms around me
Wrapped up in each other completely
Hear you breathe deeply
Feel you breathe me
I feel at home when you hold me

I feel alive when you touch me
Fingers linked in mine
Legs intertwined
Feel your Breath on the back of my neck
Feel your grip
As you slip into me
Defeat me, complete me
I'm yours, you're mine completely
I feel alive when you touch me

I lose all memory when you kiss me
Lose my breath
Lose all sense
All inhibition
All weakness, all strength
I Have no past, no future
All time is present
I lose all memory when you kiss me

I lost myself being with you
When you left
I had no home
I was dead
*There's only memories

Change is inevitable.
Progress?
Well that's a whole other matter entirely.

That's probably why when you ask me
If I like change
I say it depends on the change
that you're handing over to me

Are those pennies dull or shiny?
And does that matter?
Cause if you're handed change
Then progress is what you do with it surely?

I see you're wary of my motivation for reconciliation
Maybe getting flirty with you the other day was a mistake but it was only a bit of fun. No vowel play -Don't stress it.

You're doing that thing where you're getting all weird and apologetic,
not replying for time, was a time I'd just think forget it

Cause the cryptic **** is frustrating,
but as times gone by, the emotions subside I find it a-cute-ly boring, bordering on comical.

Got me thinking dang this use to affect me like a rat invested rental - how did I let it?!  Sinking waiting for you to be blunt or upfront is like tryin to understand ****** -I'll never get it.

I know this now so don't sweat it, I expect no less, I accept it. If the convos dead it's dead, I've said it.

I merely seek to be reconciled with the situation so I can make my peace. I said my piece, put it to bed, it's dead rest in peace. Just tryin to love thy neighbourly, maybe get some more recipes: rice and peas.

Cause the most I'd hope for is friendship but I won't force it, they'll be no pleas and thank yous, it's true I missed what it used to be, I miss the person in you I used to see.

I don't know what it will be now; that times passed. I don't know who you are now; I'm not sure if I ever did but to resurrect the past is not the plan in all of this

So Let me reintroduce myself,
Hey, I'm Rhian
Let me Shake your hand
I know you hope for understanding,
I try hard to understand
But you don't always express yourself as best you can
I stress You can
Don't be afraid the clean slate
Will free your hands
Roll the dice
Tell me where it lands
If it's possible to
Reconcile as solo artists
With fond memories of our band

But if not

**Best wishes are still my command

It's hard out here for an idealist,
I wanna make everything better
Heal any rifts
You know I hate when people I
care about become strangers,
I feel bereft
I've never lost someone I didn't want to lose outside the parameters of death
Until now
And I actually cannot bear it.

I run through every possible way
I can make it alright for me, for you
At times it feels so simple, so easy
Flood my mind with elated images
Of reconciliation
All the love I could convey in one hug
To show you it really is all love
That I'd be there for you no matter what
That all we shared was real
And that I cared a lot, I care still
But just as I'm about to act
One small thought reminds me how I feel

Cause the thing is I'm an emotional idealist
And emotion doesn't always bode well with ideals
And it can take one thought, to spark one emotion that will send that ideal image to hell

I don't want to look at someone who used to make me smile like no other and feel sad
And I don't want you to look at me see I'm not smiling and feel bad.
I wish you would have trusted me to open up
I could see you were in pain
But I was too afraid to ask
We'd gone too far
I couldn't give up my hopeful ideals of us

Sometimes I wish we would have ended sooner
Like before we begun
Cause if you wasn't ready
You had no business being with me
Being number one
We were friends right? We were close no?
Then why was I rebound? Am I wrong?
But maybe you didn't realize
Until we were too far gone.
People mistake that I want forever
But being truly loved that first time
Would have been enough
Even if it didn't last

Friends Singing Frozen to me "let it go"
I don't want to though
I can't
No!
Frozen in this turmoil
Where nothing can grow

They can say look at the good times,
Remember how happy you were
But now I think
What if they were just a ******* lie?
Doubting my own experience
The frustration and confusion
Enough to make me cry

Should I take comfort in the fact
That I was a comfort to you for my time?
It's a good trait right?
But who gives me mine?
Equality time (remember that?)
Shouldn't things be shared and divided equally
Or is it just a one way street?
Shouldn't love just be given unconditionally?
Would you even accept it off of me?
Or would you just feel guilty?

Sometimes I hate my emotions
Cause they stop me from forgiving you
Walking away from you is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do
And I have to forgive cause I could never forget you
I hope I don't forever regret you
Or dismiss you
I hope one day I'll be able to look you in the eye again, give you a hug
And just let you know that I miss you

**Cause I do, I really do.

Hey, I want to report a theft


Of what?


My happiness


When did you see it last?


Oh, some many months passed.
Although there's been some
possible sightings since


Where and when were these possible sightings?


Its hard to be exact, not sure if we're dealing with facts but there's been a few laughs and a few smiles, not sure if they're reliable, some under the influence and all


Hmm, did you have any insurance?

Confidence and faith I guess. But the risk assessment wasn't enough, low self esteem means there wasn't enough to cover the cost.

Any possible perpetrators?

Top of the list
That first relationship
Yeah that's when it started to slip
When I realised nothing lied behind the promise.

All the upset subsequently that I worry has changed my personality, decimated my already shaky self esteem and maybe it's because I can't accept that I allowed that to come to be

Or maybe it's just a hormonal blip


Maybe I just couldn't hold onto it


Maybe it's because I let fear dictate who I will be


Maybe it's cause I shun responsibility


Maybe I secretly like being unhappy


Maybe I  just don't know how to be


Maybe it's the momentum I never capitalized on 


Maybe cause I always stay too long
In places and situations I've long outgrown


Maybe its the depression

Maybe cause when that dark cloud descends I can't appreciate anything


Maybe it's cause I give up on friends, I give up on everything and when that happens I can find fault in an angel (no wings)


Maybe it's cause I'm preoccupied by the Wrong things


Maybe it's because I overthink


Maybe it's the drink


Maybe it's because I've got too much time on my hands


Maybe its cause they don't understand


Maybe it's the isolation


Maybe it's because I gave up on trying to be strong


Maybe cause I can't take when things go wrong


Maybe its cause I refuse to give up my ideals


Maybe it's cause I can't live up to them myself


Maybe it's because I'm unfulfilled


Maybe it's because I don't tell people how I really feel


Maybe it's cause I bottle things up

Maybe it's cause I take things to heart

Maybe it's cause I run out of luck

Maybe its cause I stopped giving a ****

Maybe it's cause I care too much


Or Maybe just maybe go back to the top


It's all connected you see,
Domino effecting you see

Cause surely
It must take a group effort to rob me
Of something I hold so dearly


But hopefully with a group effort
it will be restored back to me