i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when your not home to remind me of who i am;
your girlfriend, your fantasy, the love of your life;
but suddenly my mind wonders who am i without you?
i've lost myself inside of you, i've buried myself deep beneath your ribcages & made home inside your chest;
but then i remember i never existed to begin with because i've always been a shapeshifter.
twisting & morphing into what everyone else wants me to be, forgetting that i have a body, a mind & a soul all of my own;
feeling guilty for taking a second to breathe through the bars on this jail cell window.
i've been laying on the floor like a carpet,
letting everyone walk on me & pretending that it's completely acceptable;
& i've always hosted the parties to give myself a sense of control when in reality all i'm doing is serving people.
but please, my love, don't misunderstand me;
my love for you is always here inside of me even if it's gone into hiding;
this illness clouding my brain has been growing from a pinprick into a wrecking ball;
turning everything into black & white as if i'm living on a zebras skin.
you always loved the yin & yang symbol, well that's how my mind self-destructs;
for anyone who doesn't know, the yin & yang symbolizes the good & the bad, with a little good in the bad & a little bad in the good;
a small light in the dark & a hint of shadow in the light;
except the way my mind works, there is no flicker of a flame in the darkness & darkness does not exist in the light;
at least that's how my mind perceives things...
when i'm treated with love & adoration, my heart suddenly beats & you are an angelic being i am undeserving of;
but then again i never deserved any form of happiness, according to my thoughts;
when i am treated with abuse & neglect (or what my brain tells me is abuse & neglect), i shut down my emotions & once again become a ghost to my own body;
but then again this hollow numbness is the home i grew up in...
i don't remember much of my childhood & sometimes i wonder if that's a good thing;
was it to protect myself from the horrors that i'm not sure even existed,
or was it really a wonderful childhood that i purposefully forgot so i could give all the blame to my family?
i don't remember much of my childhood but i know i forgot it to relieve myself of some of this pressure;
some of this pressure that pushes down on me every minute of every day;
how do you expect me to feel when every feeling i ever expressed was shoved back down my throat because it was too inconvenient for someone else;
how do you expect me to speak when i was trained to bite my tongue because i was always too intelligent for anyone else's comfort;
how do you expect me to live when all i've lived for was to satisfy the needs of those around me so i could feel worthy of the air in my lungs;
& when i say "you", i don't mean you, just you as one sole being, i mean everyone;
everyone i've ever met has expected something of me;
whether it be my body, my mind, my skills or my words,
my heart, my thoughts, my possessions or me;
& you my love, you are everything to me despite my contradictive actions,
because you're the only one who has ever taken a moment to look at me dead in the eyes & ask me with pure love & selflessness
well what do*  you  want...?
*...i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when you're not home to remind me that you love me as much as i love you.
& you may be the only person that could truly know who i am.

staring, staring, staring
off into the distance
you assume my gaze is fixed at the wall
but i see a different world
im staring with my heart
not my eyes

Grass tickling my spine
Sun kissing my face
Wind dancing with my hair
I am a child
Earth is my mother
& I crave the embrace
Of her arms, protecting me
Loving me
In a blanket of water heated by the sun

your eyes like maple syrup
light brown with golden hues
sweet & comforting
your lips like silk
a soft touch against my fingertips
seductive & smooth
your body like a fireplace
curled up into the heat you create
mesmerizing & fierce
you love like instrumental music
captures my heart in a trance of imperfect perfection
exhilarating & peaceful at once

this is why i didn't give up on you

if you want to leave me behind
i understand.
your mind had blinders that
leave you stubborn
you refuse to believe anything good
could come of this
as if it were up to you alone to hold
the weight of the world
a goal so admirable
yet so misguided
you light yourself ablaze
& complain that it's too warm
as if you didn't pour yourself in gasoline
& light the match
all this pain you burn yourself in
is purely self-inflicted
& i got caught in the crossfire

you lock me in the coldest recesses of your heart
as i watch you burn down
the most important thing in my life
where are the words to stop you
what strings of vowels could my mouth make
to push you into the safety of the water?
if you would only let me free
i would be there to pull you out
i promise you i would never let you drown
if only you let me be there
to be your lifeguard

Tea in hand
Sun on my back
Wind on my face
That is called love

I don't mean to be so crazy
I just love you
More than I understand

& the beautiful boys
Love the beautiful girls with
Fragile hearts
& delicate bodys
Who dont seem to notice they're lovely
& that's why they dont love me
I'm not that kind of beautiful
My heart is as strong as wood
But wood can still break
I'm a single tree in a field of flowers
Watching all the beautiful boys
Pluck them all one by one
& dont you know that
Picking flowers makes them wither away?
What a tragedy
It seems that the only kind that visit me
Are the kind that want to rip the leaves
To leave me naked & weak
I wait for a storm to come along
& take me down
If a tree falls all alone
Does it still make a sound?

Nothing is wrong but,
Sadness demands to be felt.
I will sleep it off.

i used to swim a lot.
  i swam so much,
    my mum used to call me a mermaid.
      i'd take three deep breaths,
        then dive into the pool head first.
          & even though i was told not to,
            i'd keep my eyes open.
             as i swam,
            merely inches from the bottom,
          i kept my eyes wide open.
        i'd see the rays of light,
      breaking through the surface.
    as i swam,
  wiggling like a mermaid,
deep beneath the water,
  i kept my eyes wide open.
    i'd happily watch,
      as the lines of light,
        danced across the floor.
          to me, those reflections
            at the bottom of the pool,
            looked like marble tiles,
             lines of blue smoke,
            or lights from shiny shells.
          it was always peaceful.
        graceful,
      magical,
    beautiful,
  it was always my happy place.
& your eyes...
  they're pale blue,
    with little hints of green.
      & i stare at the lines of blue,
        dancing in your irises.
          it's as if the goddesses
            of the water
              have blessed you,
            with shards of water.
          shards of where my heart is home.
        & when i miss my happy place,
      all i need to do,
    is dive myself into your eyes.
  because your eyes
are my happy place.

hold me, hold me,
oh my gosh, you're beautiful
hold me, hold me,
i wish we could lay this way forever.
kiss me, kiss me,
sweetly, softly, lovingly
kiss me, kiss me,
on my nose, my forehead & cheeks
love me, love me
i love you, i feel your heart
love me, love me
this beautifully always

If I die
By the palms of the ocean
Just know
That I am where I am meant to be

sometimes, i think of you
& my heart breaks again
but usually, as my day goes on
i feel amazing without you weighing me down

you have been lying to me.
you have let me curled up beside you & stare at you with starry eyes,
letting me believe that it was just my mind creating this doubt about your honesty but my soul was screaming at me to pay attention because somehow deep down i know that you have been lying to me.
i told myself that i trusted you & that i wouldn't look at your phone even though you spend more time starting at the glow of your phone than you do speaking to me.
i told myself i wouldn't look at your phone so i tried to forget the four digits that make up your password but i memorized them & i tried to confuse myself by saying as many numbers in my mind as possible but i memorized them.
i memoriezed them because i'm nosy & untrusting of men but also because you have proven more than once before that you are untrustworthy.
yet still i ignored the growling & snarling underneath my heart telling me you were hiding something from me, yet i still ignored the tightness in my chest & the migraines building in my brain from stress of lying to myself about your deceptions.
but of course, the growling became roaring & i couldn't contain the anxiety, the fear & curiousity of what the f#k are you doing behind my back?
so as you were in the kitchen i pressed in those four digits to reveal the lies you kept from me & immediately the pain of a thousand sharpened needles pierced my chest yet a part of me was not surprised, after all this wasn't the first time...
& i told you to get out & for a moment i was strong enough to let go but the more i explained my pain, the less i could resist & i fell again under your seduction & empty promises of changing...
& as i got ready for work this morning, suppressing the open wounds in my heart & the hollowness in my breath, i saw you sleeping in the bed.
for a moment i smiled but then remembered all you've done to tear apart my heart & soul & soon enough i felt my fingers curl around your phone again to be sure that you meant it this time.
but all i saw was that you decided to change only the platform on which you hide your lies from me...

but i am insane
& i stay

i can feel myself transforming into the empty shell of a human, a ghost haunting myself, a memory of a being that was once so loving, kind, strong & intelligent.
but i now am just a silhouette that you can project whatever you'd like onto it.
you have created an empty body, a doll, a toy, a puppet that you can make dance for you at any moment in time.
is that what you wanted? because if so then..
*you win

what have you done to me?
how have you consumed me once again?
𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲?
what is this spell you cast to keep me at your mercy?
₩Ⱨ₳₮ Ⱨ₳VɆ ɎØɄ ĐØ₦Ɇ ₮Ø ₥Ɇ?
a puppet on a string as i worship at your shrine

w̷̡̖͍̭̗͚̠͍͍̑̄̿͂́̽͐͠h̶̺̓a̶̳͕̙̘̙̼̯͑̆t̴̯͈͓͎͓̅̑̿͑͑̉͜͝ ̷̣̙̓̈̈́͋̒͛̀h̷̥̣̟̭̹͕̫̱͈͗́̿͒̉̈́̕ȃ̴̱̬̣̱̼̩ṽ̷̩̔̓̂͐́̌͑͆̈́e̴̗̅̄̀͠ ̵̛̦̠̤̍͆̒̀̚ỷ̵͖̪͓͕̃̒̑̈́̉̈̀̓͝ở̴͇̟̲̤͕̮̗̎́̿̌̚u̴̢̪̻̪̯̘̮̻̝͔̓̉̓̂̈͠ ̴͖̞̘̞̔̇̈́̐̍̍̿͘͠ͅd̶̥̯̍̎o̸̡͚̠̺̓̓̽̏̈́͐͜ǹ̸͈͉͚͍̣̟̯̱̣́e̶͇̯̼̘̞̱̔̓̇̓͛̂̓̐ ̶̡̰̺͔͚̺͍̞̱̿̽͗́́̏͛͐̚͠t̴̮̲͍̝̹̭̺͈͛͌̂͑̏̀̆͛o̸̬̮̼̫̱̫̪̺͊ ̶̢̧̙͖̟̠̯̼͑̔̐̂̑͛̔ͅm̶̧̟̜͓͚̣̪͙̺̾͌e̷̢͍̰͙̬̜̎͑̏̎̆̅͂?̸̢̜͉͖̺̆͛̓̏́̅̈́͝

b̵̕­̳̓̿͐̓͊͛r̶͚͙͈͊͋̕͜e̵̥̜͓̘̞̊̈́̍͐̅̍̕ͅͅa̶̛̩̮̗͋̀̊́̄͑̽̈k̷̛͉̟̣͔̥̟͇̈ ̸̹̥̪̆͗̑͋͝m̶̲̀́͋̂͑̕e̷̟͍̺͖̙̺͇̐̐̈̊̎͆̚͜ ̶͇̠͕̠̌̊̏̅̿̐̃́͠ö̴̧̜̺̩̲́́̕͜f̸̱̙͚͉̣̣̘̮͇͌̾́ ̷̱̞͔̈́t̵̢̧̟̺͍̤̤̯̙͓́̀̀̏̀̔ḩ̶̧̢̖̱̜͙̪̪̈̅́̋̈̆̍̎e̵̼͒̾̆s̷̝͚͍͔̊̎̈́͜e̴͂̿̒̇͝­͎̬̥̦͓̰͆̏͊ ̶̨̘̔̀ç̵̺͈͉̱̦̘͈͑͆͜h̴̻̞̜̼͚̭̯͋͊͐̓͂͂̔̓̂̚ȧ̸͎̍̕͘ȋ̴̗̭͍̫̗̻͕̞̪n̴͈͜͜͝s̴͛­̛͓̞͉̜̐̈̓ ̷͙͚̘̥̓̆̀̐̆̍y̶̝̣̮̫͙̹̗̥͔̓̋̒̎̿͛̕͘ͅo̸̧̘̟̜͚̥̻͒͛̈͑̾̋̓̈́ú̷̻̟͕̜͎̹̜͂̋̽̌͛͝ ̷̜̥̼̪̭̗̈́̑̃͜͝ă̶̲͈͉͖̟̯̘͐̏̒͐͠b̴̢̮̠͎̺͙̤̉̾̋́̓̓̃͜͠a̶͔̘̋̓́͑̅͒͂̄͘n̸̡̠̤̄̉­̰̗̺̥͓d̸̛̤̰̲̹͙̲͈̈́̿͑̓̈͂̒͘̕ͅő̶̱̕n̵͔̝͉̪̦̳͈͓̾͐͆̆̃͠ͅę̴̛͈̮̪̇̊̆͌́̿̆͠ď̵­̼̤̰͕̠̩̝̱̝̆͌́́͑ ̴̗͍̌̎͆̀͂͛m̴̡͈̼̪̱͙͍͕̉̈́̍͗̅̑̓͘͜͝ͅe̸̛̘͌͋̌̿̃̀͂ ̵̟̰͇͉͓̝͎́́͌͌͊͊͊́̑͘i̸̡̢̠̺̬̘͖̣̲͙͂̏́͆̓͆͠͝n̸̢͍̉̅̀̂͒̋̊̚͝͠
t̶̢͉͔̠̃́̐̕͝͠­̧̲̥̞̫ḩ̸͉̙̖̼̻̮̦͇̽͐͆̕͘e̵̗͍̘̙͔̘͇̺̊̍͋s̴̛̝̦̙̜̲͓̰̹͌͆͂̓̆e̶̖͓̭̯̻̦̊̔̍̋̅͒̒­̞ ̴̨̢̪̬̠̳̓̐̇̏̕͝͝͝t̶̢͇̩̏͒̈͗͂̌͌́͝͝h̸̢̬̆̾͗̑̐̆o̸̧̬̞̥͍͇̥̞̯̾̽ü̵̺͚̑̄̈́͋g̸͝­̨̧̘̹̺̳̣̜͜h̵̖̟̞̠̺̜͗̋̄̋͝t̷̖̻͍̘̍͐̏͆̎s̴̲̰͔̰͂̒͆̃̃̈̿͛̈́̚ͅ ̸̨̢̡͓̻̬̖̑̎̈́̾̄̓͛̂o̵̢̭͎͙̱̙̯̾̓̓̀̊͛̇̈f̵̨̨̣̞͒̚ ̸̛̛̻̲̤̤̻̭̮̥̰̪̑̀̏̍́̄́͂y̶̡̢̖̞̜͍̣͖̭̮͒͋ö̶̹̼͚̇͌̕̕u̵̢̹̙͖͉̱̦̾̿̈́̔͌͋́̔̅̕ͅ­͈̝ ̴̡͉̲̪̻̗͔̒́́́͋͒̄̈́̇a̶̢̢̨͔͇̱̋̓̃̂̌͌̄̋r̴͎͔̃̃͗̅̊͐͂̔͠ȅ̷̡̻̙̹͍͙͔͓̮̉̂͆̐͌̊͠­̨ ̸̨̫̘̜̳̙͎̲͕̬̆́͆͂ś̷̡̼͖̱̳̟̱̿̊o̸͙̒ ̵̢̫̈́l̸̛͖͎͇͖̉̇̋͊̈́̎̈́̂o̵̧̠͇͓͇͔͙̠͒͑̌̅̚̚͘͜ử̸͎͎̯̬̲̃͛͆̃̑̃͘d̵̮͓̣̘͚͔̈́,̴̔­̘̳̻̞ ̸̖̓͆̇̂̀̓̀͐̈͠g̸̢̼̈͛͑̊̀̓͌̓̚͜ͅe̷̠̰͍͈̳͎̘̗̋͂̒ͅt̶̪̻͍̜̲̻̓̚̕̚͝ ̴̡̹̻͕̝͓͗̑̓̎͛̊ͅͅo̸̢̱̹̳̼̻̦̓̾u̸̝̲̹̹̐̀̓̑t̸̨͍̯͉̺̖͔́́ ̴̡̢̻̱͔̈͐̅͠ơ̷̡̟͈̪͈͉͙͒́̅̽̃́͠f̶̹̮̺̪͙̫̙̏͐͝ ̷̳̥̾͐̽m̷̬̦̞͛͒y̷̛̖̺̪͙͇̱̌̍̀͆͐͝ ̷̧̞̖͉̹̓̽͗̎͐̚͠m̷͙̩͉͚̥̼̝͓͖̞̑̅̔̐͑̈́͝i̶̢̫͓͎̠̭̇̉́́͒̾̀͌̅ͅn̴̗̂͗̀d̵̈́͊͑͂̾̌͠­̧̤̣̾̌


ʷʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉˀ

i always get the same gift,
just wrapped in different paper.

i pause, i listen,
respond, honestly.
i pause, reach out,
remember, i love you.
i pause, awake early,
you rise, feast on my labor.
i pause, i pay,
open wallet, for our memories.
i pause, remember you,
a simple gift, out of love.
i pause, i pause, i pause.
i pause to give,
give all of what i have,
to love you, care for you,
to bring a smile to your face.

my pauses become longer,
my body becomes weaker,
my heart becomes depleted,
my mind becomes scattered,
& im exhausted.
so tired that my eyebags have eyebags,
my tears like a dried up lake,
my heart shriveled & empty.
i gave all of me, all i had.
every pause belonged to you.
but none belonged to me.

you look confused,
upset, hurt.
you scoff, angry,
that i have become empty.
you think i am neglecting you,
i try to pause for me.
you accuse me of selfishness,
accuse me of manipulation.
you say my pauses were calculations,
that i am only there when i need something.
but i never needed anything,
just for you to...
pause.

the gift i get, is all the same
just wrapped in different papers.
leeches, vampires, vacuums,
anything to **** my heart dry.
yet told that i should be grateful,
for receiving a gift at all.
but all my pauses are gifts,
gifts of all i have to offer.
to give a smile,
is sometimes all i have in me.
but i will give it freely anyway.
but no one pauses for me,
they just keep on walking.
taking with them,
fragments of me.

sometimes i lie awake and think about
the way the pads of your fingertips
once felt against the softness of my skin
the way your tongue brushed my lips
and i once used to crave every touch
however, when i recall those nights
i am left feeling empty and numb
they no longer offer me an escape
they no longer offer an indulgent fantasy
i sit and think and no longer feel a thing
i was once so afraid to fall out of love with you
but i no longer feel afraid
i feel no pain or longing for what once was
what once was, simply happened
and i realize how much i hung on
to avoid feeling this emptiness you've left behind
however, all i am left thinking is
i have so much room now
to fill with things that make me happy
to fill with self-love and kindness
to fill with gratitude and peace
so much room without you
sometimes i lie awake and think about
how i wish i fell out of love with you sooner

although the years have come and gone,
still my heart aches
each year, it repeats
the same pain in my chest
at first so slow i almost don't notice it
quietly dripping in the distance
like a leaky faucet
and suddenly i remember your smile,
your laugh, your curls
and as if Zeus himself struck me,
the ache in my heart returns.
overcome with emotions
all i can do is sit and cry
and i mourn you all over again.
and yet you're still breathing.
and i should have let go already.
it happens around the same time each year.
sometimes it comes a few weeks early,
sometimes it's right on the nose...
i know it's all rose coloured glasses
i know it's all a fantasy i cling to.
just know, i pray for you still
i pray that you're happy and at peace
i pray that life is good to you
i have no selfish bone left in my body for you,
but one.
only one that somehow prays
that you'll find me
and tell me it wasn't a lie...
so that we can go back to loving from a distance.
this year it came early,
the ache, like a car crash.
so forgive me for being early in saying this..

and i know you probably don't miss me
or ache over me like i do for you...
but i loved you once,
i love you still
i always have
and always will..


happy birthday tj

i'm not really good
at pretending i don't care
about all of this