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650 · Jun 2022
quiet love
nina Jun 2022
i want that quiet, gentle kind of love
like the silence of the ocean when it's calm
don't get me wrong,
i'm in awe of the fire kind of love
that passionate, lustful kind of love but
everybody knows
you play with fire & you get burned
& sure, i know i could tame your flames
but how boring would that be?
see you dulling your light for me?
feed your fire on my fire & we'd burn down the world
if i'm the sun, think i better find me a moon
there's only so much heat i can stand
i can only burn so long for you, before i -
burst - fireworks only flash for a second in the sky
it's time i got me a candle to last me the whole night through
i want that gentle, quiet kind of love
i want the love that makes me feel safe to be me,
in my mind, body & soul.
642 · May 2017
Worry
nina May 2017
what good is there in worrying?
it won't change the future
or take any pain away
if something bad happens.
it won't make you feel better
to be able to say
"i knew this would happen"
what good is there in worrying?
it doesn't do anything.
except take away the happiness
that you could be enjoying
*right now.
{a short blurb related to my last poem.}
596 · Jul 2017
frostbite
nina Jul 2017
there was  ice  wrapped
around my   h  e  a  r  t,
f r  e  e z  i  n g  it shut.
& then  the  ice  started
m  e  l   t  i   n  g  away,
but i  suddenly  started
f  e   e   l  i   n   g   cold.
cause this  ice,  burning
i n s i d e   my   v e i n s
has   made  itself  home.
cause   once    this     ice
crystallized,   my heart
got  f  r  o  s  t  b  i  t  e.
so  just because  the  ice
is  gone,  doesn't  mean
that my  heart has been
s       a      v      e       d.

»a.b.
584 · Jan 2016
elements {haiku}
nina Jan 2016
water & fire
dance again, as moon & sun
find true love once more
578 · Sep 2015
Core Of The Universe {long}
nina Sep 2015
They say that love,
Is a basic necessity of life.
The same as we need water to ingest
And a constant breath in our lungs.
As the lover I am, I agree.
I agreed when I was young,
I concur now
And I will forever feel this is true,
But love is more than what people think.

Love can be holding hands in silence
On a long drive home,
Love can be looking into their eyes
And feeling the world fade away,
Love can be breaking away from a kiss
Because you can't help but smile,
Love can be seeing a person
Doing nothing special, like watching tv
And suddenly falling in love
All over again.

When people think "love", they think these things,
But it's still much more than that.

Love can be the happiness you feel
While dancing in the rain.
Love can be holding your child for the first time.
Love can be a tight hug when your friend is crying.
Love can be a homemade meal for all your family.
Love can be giving them a blanket,
After they unintentionally fell asleep on the couch.
Love can be staring in awe at all the beautiful stars in the sky.
Love can be buying a meal for a stranger.
Love can be playing with your dog.
Love can be sitting by a window with tea and a book.
Love can be dancing to your favorite songs.
Love can be looking in the mirror
And knowing that you are beautiful inside and out,
Flaws and all.

Love is so much more,
Than a man and a woman.
Love is parent and child
Woman and woman
Man and man
Friend and friend
Sister and brother
Human and human
Human and self
Human and animal
Human and nature
Human and life

It is the spirit of the universe
And that's what makes love so important.
I believe in this beautiful thing called love
Because my soul was made for loving.
*And so is yours.
I believe if everyone learned to love, we could all live in harmony.
572 · May 2017
migraine (short)
nina May 2017
my head is pounding
my brain is banging against
the walls of my skull
my eyes are pushing
like they're trying to escape
my eye sockets
my throat feels tight
like something is stuck
i just want to sleep
but instead i lay here
trying not to cry in pain
trying to sleep
trying
568 · May 2017
thoughts at night
nina May 2017
i don't know what's going on in my head.
the demons broke free from the prison in my mind.
why?
because i was happy for a moment?
or have i forgotten something?
559 · Jun 2017
self-awareness {23w}
nina Jun 2017
ahh love,     self love.
the more  self aware
i become, the more i
bloom, the less i
destroy & the
happier i
feel.
"ahh love, self love.
the more self aware i become,
the more i bloom, the less i destroy
& the happier i feel."
558 · Jul 2017
8w
nina Jul 2017
8w
i wish i understood
why my heart aches
551 · Feb 2016
Life lessons {30w}
nina Feb 2016
For so long I thought there wasn't much left for me to learn
But oh, there is so much more
Because we never stop learning
Not even in the afterlife
Right now I need to focus mostly on patience lol
550 · Mar 2016
book writing {short}
nina Mar 2016
click click click click click
the light tapping of my keyboard
words words words words
phrases, sentences, paragraphs, pages
a book on how to love yourself
because i want to change the world
i want it to be a better place
i want you to love yourself
you're beautiful to me
please love yourself

who are my words for anymore?
545 · May 2017
breaking the habit
nina May 2017
i have this silly little habit.
this habit of thinking.
overthinking, worrying, fearing.
but you make me happy.
you make me feel safe.
i trust you fully.
i love you completely.
& i don't want to overthink
or worry
or be fearful.
i just want this.
you.
us.
so i'll ignore the voice screaming in my head
saying it must be too good to be true
& listen to my heart whispering
"it's okay to be happy."
because the things it screams about
will only come true
if i let it.
{you are already changing me into a better person, by doing absolutely nothing but loving me as i am. how amazing is that?}
544 · Jun 2017
dreams
nina Jun 2017
i have
the strangest dreams.

i've dreamt of skeletons,
walking on their hands.
i've dreamt of sleeping,
& having nightmares,
a dream within a dream.
i've dreamt of a huge storm,
with a tornado,
whipping a car at my house.
i've dreamt of seeing my ex,
asking about his daughter
& talking as friends.
i've dreamt of seeing another ex,
arguing with him again about,
who's to blame for the breakup.
i've dreamt about friends
i used to have
suddenly asking me out.
i've dreamt about my body
morphing into a skeleton,
then dissolving into ash.
i've dreamt of gum stuck
in my teeth but every time i pull,
there's still more gum stuck.
i've dreamt about my love,
suddenly having enough of me,
just as everyone has.

i've dreamt of so much.
dreams are said to have meaning.
but when i search for a meaning
i'm left more confused than before.
but still,
i have the strangest dreams.
531 · Jul 2017
cake {ii.}
nina Jul 2017
if happiness was a cake,
i wouldn't get a slice.
yet when a loving soul
offers me a bite
i devour more than
i was allowed.
he smiles & laughs.
it's no big deal to him.
he can always grab
another slice.
but i am overcome with
guilt & fear.
i wasn't allowed.
that's his slice.
i wasn't allowed.
i'm not allowed this cake.
i cannot allow myself
to enjoy the taste.
so i purge myself
of what i've taken.
guilty & fearful
that i am not allowed
not allowed to taste
this sweetness
although it's all i crave.
i run & hide away
out of fear.
i'm not allowed
i'm not allowed
i'm not allowed
to have a piece.
confused, he follows
& he watches me
torturing myself
with pain in his chest
& tears in his eyes.
he just wanted me to
enjoy a slice for once...
528 · Apr 2016
blue dreams »{short}«
nina Apr 2016
an ocean, an ocean
i am away at sea
floating in the waves of blue
my favorite place in the world
the clouds roll in
& the storm begins
the tides push me down
my lungs fill with blue
i cannot breathe in blue
yet i cannot breathe without it too
511 · Feb 2016
my motto {short}
nina Feb 2016
I live by the sun
Bright & happy
Nurturing & giving warmth
Embracing & encouraging others with a friendly love
With fierce passion & strength in every last part of my soul
Breathing life & excitement into all I can

I love by the moon
Mysteriously beautiful, you can't quite place your finger on why
Stealing kisses in the dark & maybe steal your heart too
Loving intensely & romantically
A seduction of lust yet of a love that is so unconditional, pure & true
I will see you in the most vunerable of times & still love you with all of me

Live by the sun, love by the moon
Yes, it's what I do
510 · Jun 2016
relapse »long«
nina Jun 2016
falling, falling, plummeting down this vast emptiness i've felt many times before
spiraling into tears, violent sadness & passive aggressive anger
further down the rabbit hole
i reach numbness, emptiness & an imaginary aloneness between every moment of every day
dreaming of another life once again,
craving of something beyond this world into another realm.
i never for a moment question my love for you.
but as this poison they call depression begins to spread through my veins once more,
i question your love for me.
& every moment of affection, love & kindness you give to me fades in hours from my memory
as if my mind can no longer cling to happiness as it once did
& every moment of even the most minuscule spec of negligence,
(or at least what this entity attempts to convince me is negligence)
becomes a heartbreak in itself & crushes my esteem & my spirit further down
it's getting what it wants, a mutiny of my mind & the very depths of my soul, the core of my being

but then.

in the very last moments, the very last minutes you have as you are here by my side
you see it in me, this darkness
this sadness & anger.
& i never mean to take it out on you yet somehow this thing, it convinces me to
in a way so subtle i don't even realize that it's happening until after it's happened
& you see it, but you also see me
you see the smiles & laughter, the passion, the fierceness, the fire, love & light in my soul
that once was & had never left but has been stuck behind bars
& you hold me & kiss me, tell me everything will be okay & that you promise you'll help me through this
& i smile
& my heart races
& my soul regains a moment of strength for now
& i adore you so much
because somehow you always catch me at the last moment of "all hope is lost"
& you know how much I love cliffhangers
»a.
510 · Jun 2022
a beautiful, painful loop
nina Jun 2022
if we have lived a thousand lives,
then i must have lost you a thousand times before.
if i have lost you a thousand times,
then will i lose you over a thousand times more?
how many cycles more will we love,
how many lifetimes left to break apart?
why am i drawn to you each life?
& why each time, do you break my heart?
if we have lived a thousand lives,
why haven't we learned a thing?
how have you devoured me whole?
i bend at the knee for you, my king.
if we have loved a thousand times,
i promise i'd do it all over again,
if we have loved a thousand times,
i will find you once more where it all began.
i always love you,
im always here for you,
regardless of what you might believe.
509 · Jul 2017
doubtless {haiku; 13w}
nina Jul 2017
in a sudden flash
red & blue makes all my doubt
completely vanish
505 · Jun 2018
9w
nina Jun 2018
9w
It's my own fault
For allowing myself to feel
499 · Nov 2015
Splitting {short}
nina Nov 2015
& oh my dear
How these thoughts betray me
Turning anthills into mountains
& pebbles into boulders.
How I apologize
Oh how I apologize
Thank you for proving me wrong
Thank you for loving me
491 · Jun 2016
irony »short/haiku«
nina Jun 2016
i find it funny
that now you do everything
i wanted before
nina Jan 2018
you were the addiction
& i just needed a hit
i know you’re bad for me
but i just wanted one last high
i wanted to overdose on you
so i didn’t have to live without you
but i can’t afford you, i have nothing left to give
i sold my dignity for my last tastes of you

but then, i met an angel
he kissed me gently & loves me deeply
i met an angel
he knows i was addicted to you but loves me anyway
he wraps his wings around me & allows me to just be
& i’m in rehab now
forgetting about you & moving on
i never thought i’d be here
& some days, just like any other addict
i remember the high & i crave you
dreaming about one last fix to get me through the night
but you couldn’t save me, you only
numbed me
you were my addiction
& addictions are difficult to break
but that doesn’t mean, that i am* *broken
[maybe because a part of me still wants revenge]
463 · Nov 2017
maybe
nina Nov 2017
maybe i am lace covered in snow,
feeling the cold run through me.
maybe i am a leaf,
falling off the branches,
unable to grip tightly.
maybe i am a silhouette in the night,
hiding alone in the corner.
maybe i am just a cigarette.

light me, breathe me in,
watch me turn to ash then,
extinguish my flames &
throw me away.

& maybe i'm okay with it.

maybe i am dust in the attic,
static on a.m. radio.
maybe i am just a band-aid,
batteries, just temporary.
maybe i am a silent scream nightmare,
the sigh of the fog,
a heart painted grey.
maybe i am a Halloween mask,
a devilish smirk,
clothes discarded across the floor.
maybe i am a roller-coaster ride,
a tornado in a jar,
a slow instrumental song,
with eyes glazed over.
maybe i am an hourglass with no sand,
the air in my own hands.

& maybe i'm okay with it.
447 · Jul 2018
normal = overrated
nina Jul 2018
the depth of my soul can only be expressed
           among the midst of burning
                                      hearts &
                                               raining
                                             eyes.
the maze of my thoughts can only be
                                                                spoken
         through              br  o  k e n,
                                         ink-
                                              -d-i-p-p-e-d   hearts.
only when my mind is
                                                 bent &
                                          curled &
                                   swirled &
                                         l o s t
can my words begin to mean something.

only when my head is                  light &             hazy

& my perception compares to that of some
drug-
        -fueled
                 frenzy,
can my words be
                                                  beautiful.

but i am happy,
                                 for the most part.

& so my words fall
                                                  off
                                                                                      the                    pag-

                                                                                                            -es.


& they mean nothing.
just some
simple
empty
ramblings.

of a newly
normal
girl.
419 · May 2016
ode to me »shorter«
nina May 2016
i was born
for you, not i
how » why » simply
my heart, it aches
simply ; it cannot contain
the sea of love ; it overflows
why should i give myself
why do i hold so much
simple ; simply
i was born
for you, not i

& i once held it in
thinking i had nothing to give
& i destroyed • & i broke
everything
but i was born
for you, not i
i am love
nina Oct 2023
i once recalled your memory,
full of heart & sorrow,
heavy is the weight of speaking your name.
i sang a song of longing & regret,
begging for a conversation
to fill the empty air you left me with.
but once the air was full
& satiated by a newcomer,
the glass wall i built around me
had shattered at my feet.
left with nothing but the ever-open,
bleeding wound that i call you.
his words & thoughts may flow likewise,
but his eyes could never hold you
the way mine so selfishly long to
& i feel the familiar ache for the millionth time.
you haunt me like my shadow,
you come to me in waves,
you carved your name in my chambers
& left it desolate for the next.
although my love has renovated,
your name is embedded in the walls.
i cover it with beautiful paintings,
made with new memories, hoping to forget.
so when does it end, the ache, the guilt,
the longing, the love?
i pray to god to grant me mercy
& leave me with an answer
of how to let it go.
377 · May 2017
trust
nina May 2017
i'm not the kind of person who trusts easily.
i guard my heart & test people's limits.
i push & push until they're exhausted.
i'm always scared to be abandoned again,
so i leave before they can.
& when i learned to trust,
i was still paranoid.
i don't trust easily,
i don't trust.
but then there's you.
& somehow, without saying a word
i trust you completely.
(& i hear you're the same)
368 · Apr 2018
Twin Flames
nina Apr 2018
& i would do it all again
if for nothing but
to taste you once more
& to remember how it felt like
to be in love with me
364 · Apr 2017
blessed {short}
nina Apr 2017
blessed am i for loving you
blessed am i for ever having your love
blessed am i for being together with you for 2 years
& blessed would i be to ever find something as beautiful again
i haven't written in a long time but i hope to keep writing again, starting now.
334 · Aug 2019
sad face
nina Aug 2019
depression doesn't hurt me,
the way you think it would.
it kisses me gently like a lover,
& holds me close, protectively.
depression doesn't hurt me,
the way you expect it to.
because it ceases to feel like pain.
it just suddenly feels like home.
309 · Aug 2019
linger
nina Aug 2019
your body interests me,
but your mind excites me.
every time we speak it's as if...
i've known you for years...
& then you disappear.
& i wonder if it's all in my head,
maybe you are my lucid dream.
306 · Jun 2018
Hazy
nina Jun 2018
when the days are long
& my mind gets so hazy,
when the fog rolls in
& my serotonin gets lazy.

when my vision's blurry
& my heart is breaking,
when my body is numb
& my soul is aching.

that's the only time i miss you
298 · Aug 2020
apathy
nina Aug 2020
as long as i hold in the sting,
& my eyes don't betray my smile,
as long as i don't say the wrong thing,
this will make it all worthwhile.

i assure you, there is no depth,
nothing but a mannequin in disguise,
what you see, what you get,
only blankness behind the eyes.

painting these cell bars pink,
trading reality for daydreams,
stubbornly refusing to stop & think,
unless it's in extremes.

will this hollowness continue to grow?
can i escape the apathetic nightmare?
i don't ever really know,
& i don't seem to really care.
i think happiness & stability bores me at this point...
286 · Jan 2023
ill
nina Jan 2023
ill
black like licorice
& purple like poison
the cloud-like entity takes hold
seeps into the crevices of the mind
whispering to you to end it
it holds you in its pillowy arms
& sways you gently
like a mother holding their child
so comfortable in its cradle
you don't realize you're suffocating
until it's too late to breathe
get help
284 · Apr 2020
💭
nina Apr 2020
maybe if i told myself "i am beautiful" enough,
one day, i might believe it
258 · Aug 2019
disconnect
nina Aug 2019
my hands tingle.
these hands don’t feel mine.
they don’t look like mine.
they resemble that of some scary witch,
nails long & sharp.
they don’t look mine.
this is not my skin.
my skin is lighter,
my skin is frail.
whos body is this?
how did i get trapped here.
i see myself in the mirror,
& i don’t recognize this girl staring back at me,
with such deep, dark, yet hollow eyes.
a doll, vacant but beautiful.
not what i would call beautiful…
but i guess she’s alright.
i feel sorry for her,
so empty.
i want to reach out & hold her,
tell her she will be alright.
as if she can hear me,
her eyes well silently
& tears drip slowly.
but still, that empty stare…
where have you gone?
i hear music playing,
but the sound is blurry
& the shapes around her are mumbled.
my arms feel weak,
as if i can’t lift them.
my eyelids are heavy,
as if i can’t keep them open.
where am i?
who am i?
is that vacant girl me?
that can’t be,
it can’t be….
161 · Mar 2023
if i did not exist
nina Mar 2023
if i did not exist
i wonder if the world would know
have i left enough of a mark
i wonder if i did not exist
who would kiss the stars
& tell the moon she is beautiful?
who would nap on the clouds
& sing to the trees?
who would thank the sun for shining
& watch the animals play?
if i did not exist
who would invite you to dance in the rain?
who's face would you see in the sunflowers?
who's name would linger on your tongue?
who would be resting in your heart right now?
if i did not exist
who'd make you laugh in the kitchen?
who'd ask you to taste her recipes?
who's arms would you feel safe in?
who would hold you tight at night?
who would make your eyes light up?
if i did not exist
who would give you advice & guidance?
who would tell you she's proud of you?
if i did not exist
who would have taught you it's okay to cry?
who would have taught you to be kind?
who would have taught you to embrace yourself?
if i did not exist
i don't know if the world would know it...
but i think it would feel it.
121 · Apr 2020
☁️
nina Apr 2020
they're saying to call your family,
check in on your friends,
stay in touch with those you love.

to ease you of the panic,
to help release the stress
& to keep your relationships strong.

so day after day,
i do my part to reach out
& do my best to show i care.

but my phone does not ring,
my battery full, my messages empty.
i guess i don't really matter.

— The End —