my mind thinks of 3 things
my relationship with my God
my relationship with my Jon
my countdown of days left in Sevilla

I feel strange today
a little bit
broken
sad
empty
I'm not really sure why
maybe I'm just a little homesick

homesick for a hug from my dad
homesick for singing in the car with my sister
homesick for having a place to take a deep breath
homesick for the country and dirt roads
homesick for southern accents
homesick for my mom's cooking
homesick for my regular life

just a little bit of normalcy

she is strong like no other
demanding to be heard when necessary
while at times listening with gentleness
oh how I admire her

she is brave like no other
standing up for herself
while defending those she loves
oh how I admire her

she is funny like no other
laughing at her own jokes
always keeping me entertained
oh how I admire her

she is smart like no other
learning about life constantly
always teaching with a passion
oh how I admire her

she is following like no other
listening for God’s call
then taking action with courage
oh how I admire her

she is a sister to none other
loving me unconditionally
then guiding me with care
oh how I admire her

little baby girl or boy
you already bring me so much joy
I can't wait for you to get here
I'm waiting patiently my dear
I'm anxious to see your smile
yet I still have to wait a while
I'm excited to see who you'll be
I hope you're a little like me
my sweet niece or nephew
what will you grow up to do?
I pray that you will be strong
and know that sometimes you will be wrong
understand I'll always be here for you
you can talk to me whenever you want to
I'll give you unconditional love
like the kind you receive from above
right now, you're just a little baby
from now on, I'll love you daily
your mom and dad
are bound to make you mad
just know I'll be here
a phone call away when I'm not near
you can call me Aunt Boo
if that's what you want to do
call me that and I'll do the same
I promise to give you a silly nickname
"oh, the places you'll go"
I'll see you soon mi sobrino

I want to create something
beautiful and true
maybe from nothing
pulled from out of the blue

I can’t rhyme worth a flip
my words keep on trip…ing
so close yet so far
they won’t flow from the hear…t

this is one big joke
I’ll probably get chok…ed
everything sounds choppy
because my mind is all flip floppity

oh yeah this is the stuff
writing from the heart is rough
watch me rhyme your socks off
then your heart will get soft soft

I’m honestly killing this
I’m honestly feeling this
this is flowing nicely
just don’t think about the rhyming -_-

okie dokie glad this is done
enough of this fun
time to get serious
theres work to be done

you have opened your mouth and I am listening
I wonder is your heart open too
I soak in your words
give me more
I crave to know you
you try to hide your face
share your hurt with me
I want to be there for you
you smile and laugh
and I pray it's real
I can tell you are happy
but I ask "are you joyful?"
open your heart as well as your mind
I'm here for you always
you and me together
a trusting friendship

“Merry Christmas,
I guess.”

Christmas spirit fills the room
but not the heart
of the solemn girl in the corner

Joyous smiles try
to “cheer” up the
young scrooge

The only thing that
will “cheer” this
little grinch

Is the thought that
those smiles of distant relatives
will soon be on their way home

She doesn’t hate Christmas
just the anxiety that
comes with entertaining relatives

As the last family member
steps out onto the porch
she finally smiles

“Merry Christmas!”

that’s all we are
and everything is alright
there are no hard feelings

just friends

I never expected much
anything at all really
only what we are

just friends

we might have kissed
but I don’t care
everything is normal

just friends

you and me
back to the way
it should’ve always been

just friends

a gorgeous flower
unnoticed
by the color blind man

forever passed over
undisturbed
like a single grain of sand

vivid color illuminates
uninterrupted
free from man's manipulating hand

we may not always agree
but you have affected my life
every single day
I couldn't wait to go see you
I sat in the very front row
right in front of your desk
we talked for a whole hour
about lessons and life
for four straight years
you were a steady constant
all ten of us were
so contently discussing
not just about Spanish
not just about life
you are forever a part
of my growth
I miss your class
every single day
you made high school less awful
thank you for four amazing years
Senorita Hopper

my stomach can’t help but do flips
whenever you kiss my lips
my heart can’t help but expand
whenever you hold my hand

two hands brush
finger tips touch
a smile shared
no longer scared

good thing you were just a crush
so that I didn’t get attached
heart not invested
nothing like that at all

I can forget those thoughts
they weren’t a big deal
you just caught my attention
nothing deeper than that

except my chest still hurts
when I imagine you holding me
but I’m not invested
I can forget you easily

I’m just curious about her
what’s her name?
you smile when you see her
even from across the room

but, I’m only curious
just as a friend because
I’m not attached to you
no, nothing like that

I can be around you
and be totally fine
acting natural and friendly
remember, I’m not invested

your smile hits me hard
and that little laugh too
but I'll be okay because hey,
at least I’m not invested, right?

as I look at you
I enjoy my view
I can’t help but wonder
what you’re thinking

are you thinking of me
cause I want you to be
I think of you
far too often

who do you care for
is it me anymore
I can’t help but wonder
how you see me

it’s supposed to be happy
fun, crazy, and a little sappy
but I’m always stuck
in places that ****

too early to know
if the friends are just for show
happens every single year
this day always brings fear

this time it’s harder
my real friends are farther
I want to be with mine
but it’s impossible this time

you are miles away
on my special day

we
there’s a we now
but I’m not gonna
overthink it

wait
that’s what I do

sorry babe

you get to deal
with all this crazy

welcome to my world
where everything is big
I’m dramatic
every day

care for me anyway?

All this time, we were weaving together
every thread of our lives
We had no idea that the bond
had become so strong
that when you pulled away

I was left unraveled

You are gone and I can’t
make you come fix me
I’ll have to stitch myself
back together again
Next time I won’t let
anyone pull me apart

the way you did

The more I look at you
The more irritated i become
I’m not sure what to do
Your voice makes me numb

I have to get away
From your wicked exposure
Every single day
I feel you getting closer

The nearer you get
The faster I run
I break a sweat
Fleeing from your gun

Bullets that are pompous
Forged with distrust
I have to be so cautious
waiting for you to combust

I’ve got to save myself
I never have before
So this is a farewell
I’m walking out that door

“I want you to kiss me”
and to my surprise he did
one second I’m giggling
and the next I’m kissing him
“this doesn’t feel real”
I don’t know if that was
because of the tequila
or because I was  
kissing my best friend
either way, we were both breathless
I just wanted to get closer
I just wanted to kiss him more
experience him as he did the same
we were intwined for what felt like hours
I couldn’t believe myself when
I was cuddled in his arms
I kissed his jaw
I had been longing to do that
but it was actually happening
he gently played with my fingers
and lazily dragged his finger tips
up and down my side
“I knew you wanted to get cuddly tonight”
embarrassed that he could see right through me
I buried my face in his chest
“I wish you could’ve had the courage
to do this sober, Linsey”
staring into his deep brown eyes
I managed to say seriously
“I will kiss you when I’m sober. I promise.”
he nodded in agreement
beginning to kiss me again
his hand in my hair
the other trailing up my back
my hand on his jaw
feeling the stubble on his cheek
his tongue and mine
finding each other in the dark
in one fluid motion
he had squeezed me tighter
and laid me on my back
our bodies pressed against each other
he started on my neck
goosebumps lined every part of me
he chuckled, his warm breath hitting my skin
we pulled away and
just grinned at each other
knowing that we had done something
we couldn’t take back
but who would want to?

At first a gentle kiss
That soon led to more
Distracted by the abyss
Not knowing what’s in store

Climbing over you
I melted into your lips
My body knew what to do
As your hands held my hips

For a second I pulled away
Looked into your eyes
Not knowing what to say
Your hands rested on my thighs

You were a pro
I, a young amateur
You helped me to let go
Through the warmth of the liquor

I’ll never forget
That blur of a night
I don’t even regret
Though I thought I might

temptation pulls at me
but what would people think
would they stare
maybe judge with their eyes

today I'm not sure if I care
I could give in
just once
how bad could it be

it calls out to me
begging me to come closer
I take a single step
then one more nearer

with a youthful smile
I crunch the grass
where the ice has been collected
skipping while snapping each blade

I run through the frozen field
enjoying every second
I don't care who judges

I can't tell if
my heart is racing
because of you...
or because of my
heart condition

you say that I’m a liar
you think I never cared
you smile like nothing ever happened
you regret everything we shared

never confronting the problem
only hiding from reality
delusions you built in your head
destroying our sanctuary

but then it was never safe
your danger lingered daily
finally ruining everything
imploding because you are flaky

you run your mouth
and think I should care
but the truth is I don’t agree
and you are just a nightmare

I have learned to deny
every smile on your lips
because you mislead me
with all of your ***** tricks

you say that I’m the liar
but I know what’s right from wrong
I just want you to know
you’ve been the liar all along

the road stretched out in front of me
not quite sure where it will lead
my hair blowing around my face
the horizon and I are in a race

the sun is setting to my right
I could drive all night
I'm escaping all the hurt
as my tires kick up dirt

my music drowns everything out
the lyrics come out as a shout
I'm all alone except for
the gliding hawk that leads me to more

I crave the freedom
of creating my own kingdom
far away from people
find a place that's peaceful

you're like caffeine in my veins
the way you get to me
stop me in my tracks
make it hard to breathe

when I'm near you
I can't feel time pass
you make my eyelids close
and my heart beat fast

a moment with you
is like a single drip
of that strong coffee
that you love to sip

I need you closer
I'm getting addicted
this isn't healthy
look what you've inflicted

stay with me forever please
don't ever turn away please
here I am begging you
stay with me
forever

please

quickly
come back to me
why do you turn away
how do I make you return
why must you always leave me

I’ve been staring at this page
thinking of how to write
that intimate scene in my head
the one from my dream

trying to describe the feeling
of his hand laid flat on my stomach
pulling me back against him
being closer than we are used to

his heart beats against my back
the same rhythm as the music
we move together as one
he guides my every step

he leans down next to my ear
his words are just warm breaths
on my neck, there’s no sound
just our bodies together

all of this was a dream
and I’m glad it was
because me and him don’t work
I don’t even want to try

I know this was him
but it wasn’t really him
it was dream him
I’m glad it wasn’t him

repeat it over and over
“try”

what you don’t realize is that
I am trying
it may not look like it
but that’s cause I don’t know how

my trying is not good enough
but it’s all I got
so I guess I’m the only one
to blame for how I feel

I’m not good enough
I can’t do this
I’ve never been able to do this
only now has it become necessary
for survival

“you have to try Linsey”
oh ya thank you that helps
it just pushes it further
that I am trying but
I’m just failing

give me something
to hold onto
I need a crutch
even though it’s “unhealthy”

I think this,
this being alone all the time
through no fault but my own
is becoming my biggest enemy
becoming my death

a mystery to me
he is full of intrigue
what is his passion
what is his truth

what is his dream
what makes him beam
I want to know him
there’s so much to learn

I only know his name
boy does that seem lame
one of these days
I’ll introduce myself

but for now I’ll just think
running my pen out of ink
writing about my curiosity
about the boy that is a mystery

gal pal

if that’s what
I am to you
then we have
a problem
cause I don’t
think I want
to be only
a gal pal
I guess we can
keep it simple
dude
bro
buddy
pal
I’m not a fan
of your choice
of words
to describe me
but that’s what
I am to you
only a friend
a true buddy
a perfectly platonic

gal pal

when I talk with our friends
I pretend like I know nothing
I remind myself that every thing ends
ours ended before the beginning

it hurts my heart
to act like I’m fine
we both play our part
cause you were never mine

they tell me of your new girl
I manage to smile and nod
but every word makes my toes curl
I’m getting good at my pleasant facade

I never told them about me and you
I guess that’s a good thing
you never wanted to tell them, this I knew
“think of the awkward it might bring”

every word they say
wrecks me over and over
they want to see you today
I won’t be able to hold my composure

this time around, I’m running
make up an excuse to leave
I hate who I’m becoming
so broken that I have to deceive

this situation is dumb
you and I shouldn’t have been
just look at the outcome
you put me in a tailspin