"aren't you cold?"

the small shiver
and the line of goosebumps
gave me away

I was freezing
but I welcomed it kindly
with frozen fingers

it felt fresh
like the beginning of a memory
long forgotten

my smile emerged
and I gazed out at the gray sky
"yes, so cold"

this music moves me
provoking tears
waves of emotion
swallowing my heart

overwhelming me
unlike any other
letting it take me
to a new world

I never imagined you, this way
a fixture in my line of sight
someone I wanted to look for
in a group walking by

you shook my foundation
while helping me to
hold on to myself
and everything I believe in

I never imagined you would
capture my thoughts
I have got to say
you really snuck up on me

be gone
get out
you aren’t welcome
not in my mind
not anymore
those thoughts
the ones that hurt
aren’t real
I am more
more than that
more than you
no matter how much
I run and scream
from you monster
you catch me
and trap me
mess with my head

well guess what
I’m over it
I’m free from you
and I’ll stay away
because you ruin
and you wreck
my lovely life

my mood shifting like the wind
feels something like whiplash
pleading for it to end
knowing that when it does,
I might crash

I’ve never felt so chill
then thrown into a rage
while my body remains still
my heart beats harder,
behind my ribcage

I long to return
to my joyous smile
for happiness to burn
behind my eyes,
once in a while

I’m ready to go back to
the person I know I can be
I’m looking for a breakthrough
something that could finally
set me free

something happened this evening
I haven’t thought this way for a while
I almost reached out to grab you
just after seeing your bright smile

my stupid heart wanted you near
to pull you closer to me
in the darkened parked car
a moment to be carefree

I couldn’t take my eyes
off of your crooked mouth
thinking about another kiss
not being able to go another second without

I could almost feel your
lips engulfing mine
all the while your hands
trailing up and down my spine

it would’ve ******* up everything
had I reached across the car
ruining a working friendship
busting a large reservoir

but to grip the front
of your black t-shirt
and have your lips
as a sweet dessert

for a brief moment
I thought I might do it
but the time escaped me
and the feeling quickly quit

something happened this evening
glad I didn’t do anything rash
your smile just snuck up on me
and made my heart startle then crash

I can’t get my mind to stop
I keep cycling through
my memories of us
my memories of you

from our first kiss
to our last
from our laughs
to our spats

from the times of friendship
to the times of more
from the uncertainty
to times when we were sure

I’m sad that these thoughts
are forever in my brain
because right now
they only bring me pain

I can still see you
sitting there in my car
making jokes
and then taking it too far

our late night trips
to get our food
ending in talks
of a serious mood

you never held back
and that really helped me
to speak up as well
you helped me feel free

right now I’m not mad at you
and it feels quite strange
I thought I’d write this out
before those feelings change

a little breeze
tickles the back of my neck
missing a scarf
just to feel the winter air
uneven ground
endless bumps under my feet
puffs of smoke
attack my lungs consistently
miles a day
building muscles and endurance
birds everywhere
truly are the rats of the sky
coffee con leche
makes me miss home even more
foreign words
understanding bit of conversations
room with two beds
proof of a difficult time here
sky below
finally flying back to my world

I crave being home
but how is it going to feel
being back at school
being in people's lives again
have responsibilidades

how many times is that going to happen
replacing English with Spanish
I'm scared of my classes
I haven't worked hard all semester
my grades might slip
what about a job
will I be able to do it all
I don't know what to think

They only see the laughter
To them there are no trials
They never see the sadness
To them there are only smiles

Maybe it's my fault
That I don't let them see
Maybe I can't open up
That would make me too free

Why am I so scared
To show them who I am inside
Why do I even care
To them my heart is classified

I will try not to hide from them
I might even share my heart
I will not hide forever
I might just fall apart

I'm being used.
Being used by you.
I feel abused.
Like that's all you can do.
You pull me in.
With your kind eyes.
Then your words grow thin.
And I see your lies.
You lie to my face.
It's not a joke anymore.
I try to show grace.
But what am I fighting for?
You share your heart.
And I begin to care.
Only to be ripped apart.
My heart left bare.
I'm getting so tired.
Of the same old fight.
I end up wired.
Every single night.
Your aren't even real.
I can't trust you.
You can't even feel.
What could I do?

Take a look inside my darkened heart
Peek around and see how its falling apart
Break down the stone walls that block everything out
Behind the wall, the disaster, the drought

After destroying the barricade
Come back again but don't invade
Wander about and seek me
Look deeply and truly see

Understand me and my heart
With your words, be very smart
Be honest, be patient, be listening
My heart will soon start whispering

Stick around and give it time
As it starts to reveal its every crime
It cries out "I'm here"
It screams out "come near"

The secret of my very soul
Is that it seeks to be whole
Constantly trying to run
But needing to be held by someone

exhaustion drives me to write
while stripping me of my words

Don't look over.
Whatever you do, don't look over.
Don't look at his eyes.
Don't look at his crooked smile.
Don't look at the tension in his jaw.
Whatever you do, don't look over.

Don't let your mind wander.
Whatever you do, don't let your mind wander.
Don't think of the possibilities.
Don't wonder about your future.
Don't get your hopes up.
Whatever you do, don't let your mind wander.

Don't feel the butterflies.
Whatever you do don't feel the butterflies.
Don't let them swarm inside you.
Don't let them flutter in your chest.
Don't let them mislead your heart.
Whatever you do, don't feel the butterflies.

Don't touch him.
Whatever you do, don't touch him.
Don't reach out to him.
Don't lean on his arm.
Don't grab his wandering fingers.
Whatever you do, don't touch him.

I’m angry again
I can tell because
I write with
an aggression
from within
I’m angry again
because I can’t write
my words don’t flow
my thoughts don’t form
there are issues
I’m angry again
there are thoughts
that want to burst through
but this issue
is about honesty
I’m angry again
I want to be honest
I beg my mind
to release its grip
so that I won’t say
        I’m angry again

you drive me insane
every word you speak
grips at my heart one way or another

please smile my young child
there's no need to be so glum
even though you feel so mild
I know you are sweet like a plum

your smile could reach the sun
your eyes become thin
I've never wanted to reach someone
because your happiness is so slim

I want you to reach a joy
because happiness is fleeting
don't fall for a boy
only to you I've been speaking

your giggles are so loud
don't forget to laugh
your laugh makes me proud
I keep your smiling photograph

I see that beautiful smile
it brightens up your eyes
I could see it for a mile
you know I wouldn't tell you lies

I am an expert in lying. I lie when I smile back at you. I lie when I look into your deep brown eyes. I lie to myself every day and night thinking you might want me. I am an expert in hiding. I hide my flushed cheeks every time you interrogate my eyes. I hide my racing heart every time you go to touch my skin. I hide every thought of wanting to kiss you until neither one of us can breathe. I am an expert in trying. I try to forget our secret talks about life. I try to hold myself back from saying something I shouldn't. I try to remember that we can't be together. I am an expert in running. I run to you with every thing I need. I run to you every time you call out for me. I run from everything I knew because I know you now.

I am not an expert in fighting. I don't fight for the things I want most. I don't fight my feelings inside, even when I should. I don't fight for you.

And that may be the worst in me.