Sometimes I am lonely
Sometimes it gets so bad
That my teeth ache
In my jaw
And my legs won’t stop shaking

My mind is a mirror
My mind is a hammer
I’ll break myself apart
Because there is no one here
To stop me

Have you ever found yourself
In a burning room
Walls marbled by the heat
Eyes stinging
Lungs shrivelling
Full of a fear
You never thought you’d know
And will you move
Crash out a window
Down onto
The dewy grass
Surrounded by shards
Of broken glass
Staring at the sky
With overcast eyes
As the sirens draw nearer
Until the police come
Or will you stay
Will they be too late
As flames lick up your skin
Will they find a body
The body you left behind
When you looked at all your choices
And decided to die

I still dream about you,
you know.

Not every night like I used to
but still often enough to wake up
wondering why you aren't around.

And you're always on my mind.
Always.

I can't keep doing this.
Even though I hurt you, you're
the one who's hurting me
so inadvertently.
And every silence is like
a blow to the face,
because I know you see me.

You're such a good bad guy.

Cloudy in August
Couldn't be better
Burning dumpsters
Near crowded highways
This inner city squalor
Is my lifelong muse
Leather jackets
And scuffed up boots
Patients give me
Patience sticking
Needles in our veins
Dynomatic symphonies
Pounding us
With ecstasy
Drinking in the
Sweet smoked air
At bus stops I've
Never seen before
I'd never it give it up
That politically incorrect
Temperamental judgement
I'll live forever
For the idiosyncratic
Enigma I call
My not quite home

Out with the old
In with the new
At least
That's what they told me

Sweeping up dust
Throwing open windows
Letting in spring
That's what they told me

Clear out your contacts
Delete those old pictures
Wipe the slate clean
That's what they told me

Open up and let go
All that you once were
Rebirth yourself
That's what they told me

Letting go of the things
That kept me alive
Left with only loss
They never told me that

Maybe it's not
The world's best idea
To drive down today
And go to a **** beach

She could’ve died
Slipped away
Under the surface
While the world sat by

She could’ve died
In a trance
Hypnotized
By the choice she made
A bottle of pills
Sweating in her palm
They say death
Hurts like hell
But I think it’s more like fire

She could’ve died
Just like I did
Buried alone
In a hospital room
IV’s and screaming
Until she couldn’t breathe
They say death
Steals people away
But are you a thief
If I want to be taken

Ready for a new life
A whole school
Of three hundred smiles
Hopefully, the autumn breeze
Will take me where
I need to be
My blacked out eyes
Will yours meet mine
On the very first day
Or will the current
Rip me away

I want to be grounded
I need to be strong
But something's eating
Up my insides
Telling me I've been gone
For far too long
I can't make up
For the wasted days
Rotting away
Behind reinforced glass
Wishing that today
Might be my last

I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save

Am I more like
The deciduous trees
Shedding their leaves
Like crippled tears
Cast to the ground
As shrivelled fears
Bleached bone branches
Raised to the sky
Begging for an end
To what has only begun

Cold days and
Cold feet
I just don't
Want to get up
Right now
Don't be sad
Or think that
I am
I'm not
I'm just tired
And frustrated
And I want to be alone
In the world
Doing what I love
I hope that's not
Too much to ask

This has been a rough few week
Hah, more like months
Why are we dancing like this
Spinning 'round in circles
Never touching, never leaving
I can't be the only one who's tired of this

But can you imagine a life
Where we finally meet
Touch in the middle
Fall in love
I know that isn't me
But it could be

In a world where I'm strong
Where I can make you laugh
Sit in the back
Smiling and flash peace signs
Laughing in the halls
Would you still walk me to class
Hold my hand if I asked
I can imagine you when you drive
Screeching and dramatic
Blasting Boy Division and
Eyes glued to the road

We don't talk about serious things
In normal places
Words slip out into
Normal conversations
Bleeding from the edges
Are we closer now
Or further away

I have a lot of questions for you
That I'll never ask
Like if I'm good enough
If you could ever even love me
Why you asked about my boyfriend
And decided to confide
In the middle
Of a highschool cafeteria
It's not that I mind
I just want to ask why

Tomorrow, I won't see you
Will we still talk
Or will a silence fall
Like the snow that won't come
And deafen us forever
Will I sit with you again
Laugh with all your friends
You seemed happy enough
Was that what you wanted all along
Do you do what I do

Can you ever fall asleep
On a cloudy afternoon
Would you wake up
If I asked you to
If the sun was rising
From behind the clouds
If the blinds weren't down
Would you let me
Hold your hamster
And what was with those eyes
When I said the only thing I want
Is someone to sing
The other half
Of Promiscuous with me
Were you thinking about it
When you asked me to put you on my shoulders
At the MCR concert
What did you mean
When you said we'd go to a break room
For your birthday party
Who else would be there
I can't imagine
It'd just be me

And if we do meet
What does that mean
Can I pet your hair
Pick you up and run
While you struggle and giggle
And not quite scream
What did you mean
When you said your best friend was emo
Did you mean me
You were looking at me
Am I the closest thing you have
To a friend at this point
What happened last year
I can see you flunking
But not without reason
Who are you
Beneath all of your clothes
What made you this way
Who shaped you
Into the being
You are today

Can we lift sometime
Go to a shop
I can body block
Or maybe just hit the road
Complain about my family's
Unspiced plain taco meat
It's not my fault
They are like that
You know that too
I like that

Would you listen to a song
If I sent it to you
And I know that there's
A reason you left the friend group
Are you worth giving up
Everybody else
Something in me screams
That you just might be
And what if we do
What if we end up
In rural New Jersey
Driving up for the weekends
Or down to your apartment
To stay up and sleep in
Would you lay next to me
Stay up with me
Read and talk and ***** to me
Would you be everything I need

I couldn't be yours forever
I wouldn't be yours at all
And I can see you
With that stupid, self satisfied half smile
Hands on your hips
Androgynous
Content to let me
Be my own person
Yeah, I can see that
I can feel the rise and fall of your chest
Maybe we'll roadtrip
With your old friends who smoke ****
They could drive
Stay up all night
You'd fall asleep on me in the backseat
No stops in town
Just gas stations
And fields of grey grasses
Your friend would download
Really bad movies
Play them on an iPad
Propped up on the dashboard
Feet up, head back
Singing that life's just like that
We could pull over
To the side of the road
Get out, stretch our weary limbs
I can see you squatting down
Picking up rocks and stones
I wouldn't kiss you then
Maybe wouldn't ever
But I'd watch your back
Would you watch me back
Would you watch me too

Would you look in my eyes
And see something other
Than the standard grey blue
Would you find religion
In my hands and fingers
I hope you wouldn't
I don't want you to
Would you appraise my body
As just another creature
A vessel for my soul
And would you care
Would you stand with me
When it mattered
Or would you walk away

Would things be the same
As they were at the start
Shaking hands
Sitting on the floor, reading books
Swinging at the park
Maybe I know you now
What you're doing
Walking past me
Never looking back at me
You want me to follow you
Through highs and lows
Thick and thin
And I can't chase you forever
I don't even want to

But you saw something in me
You answered me
You remembered
National Emo Day
You asked me to play drums
While you played bass
You asked me what I thought
About your hair
You showed me your dogs
Texted me about bands
And I think you meant it
When you shook my hand
Greeted me
Asked to meet with me
Didn't ignore me
On the first day back
Even when you saw your friends
You sat outside in the cold
Rejected the good table
And put up with me
Even when my jokes didn't land
And I stepped on your toes
Crossed your lines
Wasted your time

So do you sleep in the light
Do you think there's a heaven
After this life
What happened with your parents
Where do you want to go
Have you ever loved someone
Do I really want to know
Who was that one ex
The one even skinnier than me
Will you laugh while I cry
Or will you look away from me
Are your scared of being broken
Or far past ready to break
Do you want to fall in love right now
Or will I have to wait

It's raining outside
Somewhere in the depths
I feel the vibrations
Of raindrops
The plip plop
Of nature's tears

And with them
Come ghost hands
Fingers trailing
Up my sides
Scaling my skin
And then they're gone

Oh, to be alone

I can't stop looking at
Empty photos
And wondering
Why everyone leaves

I feel you
Slipping away
I know you'll
Write back but
Will it be too late
Eating pecans
And thinking
Of your face
Wishing I
Could talk to you
But not sure
What to say

Will you be my shelter
Will you hold me
During the scariest parts
Of these bad horror movies
Will you let me cry into your chest
Soaking your tee shirt
Staining it with sorrow
Leaving you with a permanent reminder of me
Will you laugh at me
When I do stupid things
Will you let me hug you
Until I feel less numb
Until my mind can feel again
And I start crying again
As the cycle begins

I don't have much to give
But I won't leave you
As long as you hold me
Love you I will

Step one
Make a friend
Get over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

Step two
Overshare
Tell them your life story
On the second day
Hope that they won't leave you

Step three
Worry
Every time you aren't there
You're probably being replaced
Your friend seems to like you
But everyone does at first

Step four
Beat yourself up
If you've been replaced
Then good for them
You were never good enough anyways
They have every right
To leave you behind

Step five
Push away
They don't need you
So they probably don't want you
They're only still here
Because they pity you
Or they don't know how to dump you
Do it for them

Step six
Wallow
You don't have anyone anymore
And you never will
Because you are never enough
For anyone
You did a good thing by leaving them
No one wanted you there
In the first place

Step seven
Placate
You lost your friends
But that's okay
You don't need friends anyways
And they certainly
Don't need you
You're just fine all by yourself
You're happier being alone
Right?

Step eight
Make a friend
Ger over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

I fell in love
With a black bird's wing
Stretched out wide
Bearing the night sky

I fell apart
On a broken sea
Waves of screams
And otherworld things

I fell to my knees
In a green clearing
Lit by all the lights
Of a faerie's sigh

I fell into place
To a mother's cry
Echoing the universe
Giving birth to life

How long did it take
To scrub the taste of you
Off of my mouth?
My gums were bleeding by the end
My bed was a mess
Sheets torn, this way and that
A futile attempt
To make them reek
Of anything other than you

Streaked by rain
Hair matted down
To their face
Watching from my window
Up on their toes
Glass pressed to nose
Loving me
In a way that only
A night watcher could

Raining too fast
Drops suspended in air
A soundtrack to back
That sad indie playlist
I bet you wouldn't like

It's a sad thing
When January 15th means more to me
Than my own birthday
I guess I'll celebrate
Anyways

Happy birthday

The sun shines
Too bright
On fragile grey eyes
California gothic
To the translucent sky
If I pray
The ground will shake
But if I'm prey
It'll shake anyways

i met many people
big and not so big
all different size
and evrytiem
i cri
until i met squid
he was so squid
i went splid
while evry1 else amde me go
wubba
and to this day
he is the only one
who make me go
yeehaw

I laid down the stones, one by one
Laid them out with care and love
For you to walk all over them
But did you not see!
It was not a road that I paved
But a mosaic masterpiece

I met someone today
With cute black clothes
And a long trench coat
We walked to the park
To sit on the swings
We talked as we watched
All the cars in the street
She told me all her stories
Of almost being arrested
For smoking ****
So why does every cute girl
And every edgy guy
Have to get high
And listen to MCR
Where are my preppy goths
My ****** band members
Because I'm just a punk
Who doesn't do drugs
And wants some friends
My parents won't hate

Don't you dare
Think that the miles
Matter much
You're my
Cataclysmic
Landslide
And I'll
Never stop
Thinking of you
Your face
Will always
Be in dreams
And there's no time
That when I close
My eyes
You won't be
On my mind

Loving you
is knowing I'll have to let you go someday

Loving you
is accepting heartbreak

Loving you
is bearing the weight of our end
and bearing it gladly

Loving you
is crying in your arms
my ears full of your soft comforting words
my head full of wondering
when I'll hear your voice for the last time

Loving you
is that crushing feeling
that knot that forms in my throat
when I think about you not loving me anymore

Loving you
is knowing you'll find someone else someday
and love them how you loved me

Loving you
is picturing your wedding day
putting myself in the place of a bride
I know I won't be

Loving you
is begging the world with all of my soul
that I get to love you as long as I can

Loving you
is facing a world after you

Loving you
is kissing you on the cheek
one last time

Loving you
darling
is letting you go

I want to be in your arms
You are warmth and safety
To bury my face in your neck
Breathe in your scent
Is heaven for me
It's a blissful kind of misery
But I'm safe with you
I know what to expect

I need to be with you
Press my lips against your cheek
Your nose, your eyelids
Curl up inside you
Let your arms engulf me
I want to fall asleep on your chest
Drift through dreams of you and me
Live alone in your oasis

You are more
Than the stars
In the sky
At night
You're so much more

Just a delicate
Drop of dew
On my windowsill
Not waiting for me
Too close to touch

You're ethereal
Making the
Planets jealous
You're too close
To evanescence

I used to wonder
Spend my time daydreaming
Wishing she would
Reciprocate my feelings
But now I know
Now I have no doubt
I know exactly
How she feels about me now

I don't love you
But you still mean something
You mean pain
You mean lying awake
Trying to erase all those moments
The longest five hours of my life
And you caused them

You don't own me
But I'm your midnight memory
I bet I'm sacred to you
A pale body in the moonlight
Naked for you
I am nothing to you

And I don't want you
You are my snow spill bloodshed
You're the pill under my tongue
Dissolving, making me numb
I don't love you
It will always be that way

The truth is
I don't want to ever stop thinking about you
But I have to
Or else I won't fall asleep at night
Or if I do
I'll dream only of your eyes
I don't want to think of you like that

And at some point
One of us has to look away
The world won't stop spinning
For our less than platonic moments
We need to move on
You surely seem to have no trouble
But I can't tear my gaze away
From your retreating form

Those glimpses I catch
Of you sitting in class
Might as well be poison
Injected straight into my veins
The softness of your hair
The outline of your face
Is a drunk tattoo in the front of my brain
One I can't erase

You're my heroine
Take or leave the "e"
And I might be a willing addict
But I'll go to rehab eventually
I'll force your face to fade
Covered up with inky flowers
Scattering my legs

I'll leave your eyes
Turquoise and green
You can watch me from the bushes
Peeking out from between the leaves
Like a fairytale character
I bet I'll wonder who you were
And what you meant to me

What if I
Was just a girl
An innocent thing
Golden hair
In streaming ringlets
Everything that you think
When you think of that girl
That perfect girl
So quiet and demure
Yet so full of life
Why
If I was just a girl
I think I'd go
Away
To
Die

Sometimes
On a sticky morning
Where the sun
Won't stop shining
And my head
Won't stop wondering
The next best thing
Is a tale as old
As time

Renegades
Passing days
Falling apart
In harmony
A catalytic
Cacophony
Of ugly words
And her
Disastrous
Poetry

I hate you sometimes
Because you exist
In every single guitar solo
And in every single crowd
I can hear your voice
Just around every turn.
Your eyes are always on me
Even when I'm alone
It's truly an intrusion
Of my privacy
I wish I minded just a little bit more
Maybe then, I could convince myself
That I don't really like you

And all of me knows
That we won't ever come close
To what I'm imagining
But you're older than me
I can picture you holding back
Watching me from the sidelines
As I watch you from the field
Our lives don't cross paths
Only a couple of times
But I can smell the chemistry
That heavy breath before a storm
Judging by that look on your face
When I catch you staring at me
I think you do too

Bring out the lights
The ones that glow orange and purple
Slip on your black and white tights
And plant some spiders
We're bringing the aesthetic
Creepy glam and full face
If there isn't a pumpkin involved
I'm not interested
Let'***** Party City
And get this started
I can be Inigo and you can be Buttercup
Or I can be Noel and you can be Sandi
We can dress up as our favourite
Spooky characters
I'll go full axe murderer
And you can be a creepy doll
We'll hit the streets
As wasted teens
They can tell us we're too old
But what do they know
Collapse back home
To watch horror movies
Stay up all night
On fright and candy
This isn't just one day
It's a two month event
So let's get real spooky
And live while we can

Sing me to sleep
In this heartbreak summer
Drown me in the spring
Where we clung to each other
Winter in my bedroom
Blankets pulled up to smother
On the one night a year
That we pretend we are lovers

Can I please just go home?
I don't want to exist anymore.
Everything
Just seems horrible.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to exist.

The reddish tinge in your eyes
Betrays your mouth
Overflowing with words
Like bitter sweet champagne
I now your name
Now
That I'm awake
Woken from a dream
Where you were perfect
And I was weak

I'm not afraid anymore
Ever since you told me
It is not weak to cry
Something opened up
Inside of me
A void finally
Touched by light

Misery
Is my favorite company
Because she never
Gets tired of me

The soft lines of your face
The rough wisps of hair
Sticking out from under your beanie
Someday you'll read this
And ask me what I was thinking about

I'm thinking about you, dove
The crooked line of your nose
The cadence of your voice
You're talking and I'm listening
But I'm also wondering
Can you see it in my eyes
How in love with you I am

The bouncing of your webcam is now a comfort to me
And maybe I'm obsessive
But I'd rather be obsessed with you
Than be anything else

Please write back
I can't save you
Until Wednesday
But please write
I still have dreams
About seeing you
Sometimes
And it breaks me
I saw you last night
At a Panic! concert
You were hurting
Even there
My mind is reaching out
But I don't think
I can reach you
This time
It's been thirteen days
And I swear
I'll never stop thinking
About your purple hair
And your bands tees
All the reasons
I gave you my number
To begin with
I want to sing to you
With my awful voice
To make you laugh
To draw on your hand
Is all I need
You're beautiful
And funny
And I'm nothing
If not a cliche
I guess that's okay
As long as you are
Still with me somewhere

I wish I was
A blank page
So perfectly clean
Nothing to see
Nothing to fear
No disorders
No skeletons
In closets
No dusty corners
Filled with secrets
No quiet tears
No sleepless nights
Just a blank page
Ready for life

To Sunglasses
For letting me try them on
$275 and silk pajamas
Apologies
We were never the same
But when we were
We were

To the third eye girl
For opening mine
Letting me into
A world beyond what I see
Showing that there's little
Distance
Between you and me

To my banana nails lover
For being my Jupiter
And letting me be Neptune
For answering my letters
For letting me
Let you go
And not coming back

To Lacy
For being my rock
For not patronizing me
When I cried
Or trying to solve my problems
You were just there
That was enough

To D
For smiling at me
And doing your best
Inspiration
Even when
It wasn't what
I needed

To Cardi B
For trusting me
Your painted toes
And bodycon dresses
You were never my obsession
But you were also fair
I didn't give you credit

To my cowboy
For looking at me
Your silly dance moves
Are engrained in me
Your childish lore
Is nothing
Compared to who you really are

To the ADHD
For befriending me
Laughter and your
Boots on a bike
Riding in sunshine
Forever on my mind
Perfect in my eyes

To Tido
For being the goodest boy
Rollercoaster dives
After footballs
In the the afternoon
Cold and crisp
Alone with you

To Crywolf
For looking at me
Your breathing
In my bedroom
Is never going to fade
And I'm never
Going to stop waiting for you

I took a bath earlier
I didn't think about you
I read for a while
I laughed
I hit my head on a space heater
And I didn't think about you
But now I am
And I'm sick with you
It took me ten days
To figure it out
That I can't wait
To forget about you

Honeysuckle and vinegar
Sweet and scalding
Heady in my throat
Staining your aftertaste
On the inside of my cheek

I can't stop thinking
Resting my head
Against your side
As you stand
Drinking in my scent

We're like honeysuckle and vinegar

She’s beautiful

Hold her through right and wrong
All I see is my reflection
Turn up the music
Open a new tab
What have I given to her?
My love
Don’t waste away

Heat pulsates
Skin burns with shame
I am a fire

Does nobody hear her?
How dare they call themselves
Lovers

She’s beautiful
Cast my eyes down
Staring at chipped nails and cold hands
Numb days turning into moonlit nights
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming for no one

Iron cast
She will not bend
To see her
Pale and prone
Needles and paper shackles
Reoccurring nightmares
Nobody deserves that
To come so close to dying
That would be to lose her

Tears behind glasses
Blown off the road
Sad songs and backstories
Lost

She’s beautiful
This disorder will eat her alive
And I’m scared
Because this is my fault
And I cannot save her
This time

There is no ledge
Just thoughts
To see the day
That her beauty fades
And her eyes are hollow
And jade
That is to lose her

Please come home