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You don't need
Black jeans and band tees
To be ripped apart on the inside

I'm sorry sweetheart
But this is going to hurt
I love romanticizing mental disorders.
767 · Jul 23
Isles and Glaciers
Can I please
Be something more
Than empty
Just a bit.
708 · Dec 2018
Ihatepeople
Love
Simple, yet beautiful
The flow and dart of
Upstream fishes
Fighting the current
I see it around me
In texts and hearts and
Casual conversation
But it is not casual
And I do not have it
Empathy is slipping out of reach
Similar
But all too different.
You like heat
Standing in the sun your head up
Children's things
Music
Don't touch my hand
Shy away because It's Me
And I am not enough
I'd like to think I hate everyone
But I think
I just don't know how to interact with people
Started out depressing, ended up Soul Eater.
This is why I don't write poetry.
525 · Jul 13
Fated, Faithful, Fatal
Calm and collected
There's a power
To amber evening light
The bearer of night
The songs of birds
Resonating in my bones
Rhythm pulsing
In my soul
Alone has never been
So powerful
Listening to The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles and drawing isn't the worst way to spent an evening.
394 · Jun 30
Disposable
Sitting alone
In this room with you
Asleep on my bed
While I sit
By the window
It always goes this way
You're perfect, love
Until you're not
We're the best of friends
At times
But in the end
To me
You're selfish
To you
I'm disposable
Yay.
392 · Nov 2018
Love
You're tired love
My squire love
In dire need of water, love
Pour into you all of my love
Just to see your fire, love
These walls won't grow around you, love
A job won't find itself, my love
Sit upon the sill, my love
Leave the games for later love
Look out at all the people, love
They are finding their own love
Building, breaking, shaping love
Faking 'til they make it, love
Out there is something great, my love
Greater than just our small love
A risk I'll have to take, my love
If you don't follow, you will break my love
I'll leave you to the wolves, my love
For one chance to escape this love
Redundant, excessive love. I hope this proves a point.
371 · Aug 6
Simply
As long as I
Can hold you
In my mind
That is enough
It'll be okay. Not right now, and not for a while, but you'll get there. We both will.
365 · Nov 2018
When I Am With Him
Elated
A light cloud
Rising up
Around you
So clean and pure
See the lack in your face
But I don't care
You are so vivid
Colour seeps into the world
Around you
Just from standing near you
I become colourful too
Like a clean breathe
Of fresh air you cleanse my lungs
Drift away my regrets and fears
Dare me to dream
And I dream
Endless skies and the scent of
Evergreen and the stars
Infinity
Walk alone for miles
Live my life the way I want to
I want to be here again
He'll never see me the way I see him but that doesn't matter.
346 · Jul 7
Cloudy Day
Sweet summer sun
Hidden by clouds
Rain pours down
Puddles forming
Where dog feet splash
Plants growing up
Tangled in the light
Feeding on the rain
Beautiful days
Wild strawberries and
Huckleberry trees
Dark eyes
Hidden by shadows
Wisdom
Buried under roots
Idk I guess I felt like writing about something other than myself for once.
Sometimes I am lonely
Sometimes it gets so bad
That my teeth ache
In my jaw
And my legs won’t stop shaking

My mind is a mirror
My mind is a hammer
I’ll break myself apart
Because there is no one here
To stop me
This poem is made 0.00002% less depressing by the depressingly unfunny title.
327 · Jul 6
Our Game
You waved
Today
When I was driving off
It didn't mean much
I know
But it meant a lot
To me
This means a lot to me
You know
The way we talk
The way we play
This game
How many times
Can I tell you
I like your
Whatever it might be
Before you realize
I just like you
In general
Lol this is fun.
292 · Jul 19
Tourniquet
I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save
Short and edgy. Title is a Manson song.
278 · Apr 29
Trainwreck
Lovely
Crashing
Colliding
Off the rails and
Into the water

The black
Those depths
Known too well
For such young lungs
Sinking to swim

Kicking
Thrashing
Brought to the surface
By a balloon
You never saw that before

Red and love
Don't rise too high
You aren't a bird
You're a trainwreck
Dying to live
Based very loosely on a conversation I had. I guess I'm just feeling edgy today.
258 · Aug 7
My Depression
This is selfish
And I know
I know
I always do
But that doesn't stop me
From self absorbed thoughts
Then panicking
When I notice
Then slicing open
My thighs
Bleeding out
My lies
It's such a vicious cycle
And it's only
The start
I won't say
That I'm not ashamed
Of the things I've done
Of the person
I've become
But I also can't say
That I didn't want this
That I didn't
Ask for this
Because I did
And I deserve it
I don't remember a time
When things weren't wrong
It's the subtleties
The little things
I looked up
On my first phone
The pinching
The picking
The restricting
I was only eleven then
I made friends
I shouldn't have
I opened my arms
To the whole world
And it rushed in
Too fast
I wasn't ready
I know that now
But I asked for it
And I can't change
The past
The first time
My mother told me
She was worried
I wondered why
I was always
The one who worried
The one who noticed
The anguished faces
Who pressed her ear
To the bathroom door
And heard the muttered
Conversations
About things
And how they go wrong
And always
It seemed
I was the heart of it all
So I was scared
I wanted to change
I haven't known a day
Without shame
In at least five years now
That's an awfully
Long time
To survive
In the wild
Menacing darkness
Just a child
A babe in the woods
How would you feel
If that babe knew
About the monsters
The creatures of the deep
All the bad things
That most people
Run from
And she took them
With a scream
That was me
I was lost
I still am
To some degree
There are scars
That will never fade
But it was all
For a rush
That highlight
Starstruck
Moonlit night
When I cried
For so long
Because I couldn't have him
Or her
Or them
Or anyone
In particular
And it all climaxed
Again and again
There doesn't seem
To be an end
Just more walls
In my twisting maze
Every time
I see a light
It turns out
It's just a phase
An illusion
A ghost
Of something I never had
Maybe if she hadn't died
Maybe if they'd never fought
Maybe if I'd been a
Better child
None of this
Would've happened
There must be
Another world
Where I find happiness
But that's not mine
That's not me
I'm the timeline
That everyone is glad
They don't belong to
I'm the mess
The perfect tragedy
My parents
What do they even
Think of me
I can imagine that
Hospital fees
Add up pretty quick
And with all that I've done
I'm not worth
What I cost
I'm just a mess
A disaster of a girl
I was never meant to be born
But he died
Instead
And here I am
Dying for the light
But unwilling
To venture out
I guess I'm
Sick and twisted
In a number of ways
But more than anything
I'm scared
And I'm not enough
I'm not skinny
Like I was
I can barely show
My face in public
I can't wear shorts
Except around the house
And I hate myself
So much
Most of the time
That dying often seems
Like the only answer
I'll never stop coming back to
So yeah
My depression
So big and ****
I'm unable
To untangle
Its reflection from mine
We're so
Intertwined
I've been here for so long
It's grown around me
It's a dying tree
And I am dying with it
To anyone who has made it this far: thank you. This is barely a poem, more like some catharsis I've needed for a while. If you read that all... thank you. Thank you. You know more than everyone, pretty much. Thank you for listening. You don't have to give me a single thought. Just knowing that you've heard, and you've seen what I've done, and I'm still alive despite a witness to the **** I've created and destroyed... that is enough. It's worth more than any comment or like or repost. Don't worry about those things. If anyone gets this far, you've done enough.
253 · Nov 2018
Trampoline
Come now, darling, take my hand
Alight the trampoline
We can do much more than bounce
That much you’ll come to see

We can lie down, side by side
Cool mesh against your face
Talk about life, love, and such
And dream of outer space

See the gleaming morning dew
Smell the morning air
Feel you lying next to me
Not sure if you’re aware

I like to be by your side
I love to see you smile
Lie with me on trampolines
Let’s stay here for a while
There's something inherently romantic about trampolines, is there not?
249 · Apr 25
Seasonal
Sing me to sleep
In this heartbreak summer
Drown me in the spring
Where we clung to each other
Winter in my bedroom
Blankets pulled up to smother
On the one night a year
That we pretend we are lovers
Starting writing because Heartbreak Kids was stuck in my head and somehow I ended up with this.
244 · Jul 28
Lunar Future
Moonlight
Gardening
Playing punk music
In our
Tiny backyard
Kale brushing
Pale bare calves
Soft earth
Between toes
Cucumbers plucked
From delicate stems
Eating the fruits
Of long hours
In the dry sun
On a dew damp
Trampoline
On a cool full moon
My friend and I had a conversation about being *** and gardening when we're older and I guess I wrote this.
229 · May 3
They Left
I can't stop looking at
Empty photos
And wondering
Why everyone leaves
I love losing friends.
212 · Aug 5
Antisocial Apathy
Laying down
Spending my time
Reading books
Browsing the internet
Watching the sun
Finally set
As my family
Sits outside
In a proper family circle
While I wait
For the night
Yay... I guess this is happening again.
I laid down the stones, one by one
Laid them out with care and love
For you to walk all over them
But did you not see!
It was not a road that I paved
But a mosaic masterpiece
205 · Jun 14
It's Crazy Good
Crazy good friends
Come as a black
Haired girl
A wheelchair boy
A tall slim smile
Pink hair
And balloon shreds
Popped out
On the deck
Running down the halls
Laughing until sides stop
French words faded
Next week
Too far away
Five weeks later
Still sitting
And dreaming
Curled up on
A leather couch
Under blankets
Over life
Dripping in slime
Dancing in their eyes
A group of crazy good friends
Waiting outside
194 · 7d
I.N.I.H.I.H.
If I find you
Will you mind
My broken windows
My rotted steps
The rats
In my head
And the bats
In the basement
Will you mind
The smokestacks
And boarded
Up doorways
Will you recognize
That I don't want
For you to leave
I just want
Someone to
Break inside
I saw an ExtraMile billboard and for some reason this exists.
191 · Nov 2018
Her Disorder
She’s beautiful

Hold her through right and wrong
All I see is my reflection
Turn up the music
Open a new tab
What have I given to her?
My love
Don’t waste away

Heat pulsates
Skin burns with shame
I am a fire

Does nobody hear her?
How dare they call themselves
Lovers

She’s beautiful
Cast my eyes down
Staring at chipped nails and cold hands
Numb days turning into moonlit nights
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming for no one

Iron cast
She will not bend
To see her
Pale and prone
Needles and paper shackles
Reoccurring nightmares
Nobody deserves that
To come so close to dying
That would be to lose her

Tears behind glasses
Blown off the road
Sad songs and backstories
Lost

She’s beautiful
This disorder will eat her alive
And I’m scared
Because this is my fault
And I cannot save her
This time

There is no ledge
Just thoughts
To see the day
That her beauty fades
And her eyes are hollow
And jade
That is to lose her

Please come home
I'm writing for my sister.
187 · Jun 14
Dear Lacy
I'm not afraid anymore
Ever since you told me
It is not weak to cry
Something opened up
Inside of me
A void finally
Touched by light
Miss you.
184 · May 14
Blank
I wish I was
A blank page
So perfectly clean
Nothing to see
Nothing to fear
No disorders
No skeletons
In closets
No dusty corners
Filled with secrets
No quiet tears
No sleepless nights
Just a blank page
Ready for life
Things aren't going like they should.
177 · Apr 10
You
You
You
Are a light
You shine brighter for me
Than any star in the sky
But I don't even know you
And that's okay

You
I picture you under brilliant skies
The stars on your cheeks
Moons in your eyes
I think of you as Jupiter
But really, you're much more

You
You're an ivy lane
Leading to the future
That I only dreamed of
You're sweet like peaches
And salty as the sea

You
You're perfectly beautiful
Yet so flawed
I love you anyways
No wonder you fit perfectly against me
Like a puzzle piece
"Hmm, this isn't absolutely horrible at all!"
I say, confidently publishing a poem I wrote over a month ago as part of a DBT group.
175 · Jul 20
Sometimes
Sometimes
On a sticky morning
Where the sun
Won't stop shining
And my head
Won't stop wondering
The next best thing
Is a tale as old
As time
This is nice and all but it's really just my way of saying that I'm listening to Post-******* again.
174 · May 3
Spring Cleaning
Out with the old
In with the new
At least
That's what they told me

Sweeping up dust
Throwing open windows
Letting in spring
That's what they told me

Clear out your contacts
Delete those old pictures
Wipe the slate clean
That's what they told me

Open up and let go
All that you once were
Rebirth yourself
That's what they told me

Letting go of the things
That kept me alive
Left with only loss
They never told me that
Letting go is hard when you never said goodbye, but I know that I'll never get that.
166 · Jun 25
Hey There Beautiful
Hey.
I don't know you but
I'd love to make your acquaintance
Standing in the rain
So I can finally
See the sun

Hi.
Nice to meet you but
Something's tearing up my insides
Teasing white lies
About how I'll
Do it wrong with you

Hello.
I'd love to be
Happy in your eyes
Savvy in your smile
Never saying goodbye
To your face in my mirror
Is this about self love? Invisible demons? My non-existant girlfriend? Beats me.
163 · Nov 2018
Wearily, In Between
There is a cold tingle upon my spine
Cold hands wrapped around my feet
The sun I see is a harsh line
On wooden panels
Perhaps I should go back to sleep

The clock strikes a weary noon
Silence meets my wake
Eyes open to the same old room
Chained by indifference
Different days spent standing in place

Beneath my sheets I stir and twist
Eyes flicker with dreams
My mind grasps me with an iron fist
Trapping my physical form
And tearing at all of my seams
I think this is about depression? Not sure. I could just be tired.
160 · Apr 27
Crush
I don't know if I'm lonely
Or just falling apart
But I'd love to fall apart
In your arms
Your summer hair
Glowing gold and brown
Wild eyes
2:00 AM in your bed
With the window open
Rain outside
Cups of tea in hands
Watching your smile
Idk man sometimes the feels just hit.
148 · Nov 2018
You Are My Sunshine
I live in a world
Where the mist never burns off
It's okay
I like the rain
And the mystery
Because when the sun shines through
I get to dance like
I've never danced before
Spinning alone in the sunshine
Walking in the cold
Air slips down my throat
Stare out at the mist
And a little sun comes through
I can feel that warmth
I can feel that love
That's why
Take two steps forward when you fall
Not steps anymore
Run
Running for the sun
Longing to dance and be
In my darkest days
I cry and stay awake
All night and I'm
Not thinking of killing myself
I thinking about the sun
How beautiful it is
How I want to see it again
Contrary to your belief
I do not see the world in grey
But in green
And red and orange
And you
In all of your splendor
Could I be so humbled
As to see you again
Do not worry about me
Too young and dumb to die
Too young and dumb to never see the sun
But smart enough to know
That nothing matters
When I'm dancing with you
This can be interpreted in so many ways. Also, I have no idea why I wrote this. It's just how I'm feeling.
138 · Jul 28
Day Three
Don't you dare
Think that the miles
Matter much
You're my
Cataclysmic
Landslide
And I'll
Never stop
Thinking of you
Your face
Will always
Be in dreams
And there's no time
That when I close
My eyes
You won't be
On my mind
Maybe it's a bit exaggerated, but not by much. I care about her so much. Her hell is so much like mine.
136 · Nov 2018
One Second Of You
It is strange
How quickly things can change
You were the one
The One
Standing alone
Raindrops in my palm
Entering the Louvre
I was so sure
But my confidence is failing
My eyes no longer
Spring to you
My heart feels nothing
My head feels empty
Why do things change?
I hate this.
(Also yes this is absolutely terrible writing shhhhh)
135 · Jul 13
Can't Go Backwards
Oh early morning dream
Who's going to stop me
From bending down
And throwing out
All the things
That got me this far
I know it's never worth it
And my mind
Doesn't know what's right
But minds can be so deceiving
Especially mine
Yay....
133 · Jul 17
Unreasonable
There's no reason for things to be like this
There's no reason that my heart shakes
There's no reason that I feel this way

But there's also no way
For me to push this down
For me to block this out
As much as I hate it
I miss it

And seeing them their
Upstairs
In long pants
And tube socks
And smocks
And just tubes in general
And the new boy
So nice and shy
I can't help but wish
It wasn't always over

There's no reason for things to be like this
Aah.
(also this is my 100th poem so that *****)
132 · Nov 2018
Thinking
Does it ever seem as though
Something has left you
Alone
To feel no more
As if your bones have slipped out
From beneath your skin
I am troubled
130 · May 12
Second Place
I guess
I'll walk away
From everything
You never were
To me

All I was
To you
Was second rate
Second choice
Second place
Thought I made a friend. Turns out I was wrong.
127 · Nov 2018
Thanks For The Warmth
Windy November day
Kept inside by the warm embrace
Of heaters
And soft clothes
Scents fill the air
Permeate me
Fill me up
Mushrooms in a sauce pan
Pungent slices of green
Pumpkin
Light a candle to ward off tears
Smoke and steam meet
Like lovers in the air
Warm folds of grey and gold
Wrap up slanted eyes
And silken midnight fur
The gentle thrum of a feline chest
Keeps time with a
Cribbage board
Butter melts
The soft crackle of frying things
The gentle fragrance of tea
Three women together
While winds rage outside
Leaves, stripped from trees
Litter the sodden ground
Rain patters down
Tops of trees dance
But inside
We are warm
And together
And for that, I am thankful
Happy Thanksgiving folks.
126 · Nov 2018
Alone, In A Bathroom
Can I be outside
Trapped in a toilet chamber
Alone
And it's funny
To everyone but me
Nobody knows
I guess it's not funny at all

I don't like to be alone
I'm scared of people
And I'm wondering
Who locked the door on humanity
When I was still outside
Lost in this garden
Smelling the roses

I'll knock but there will be no answer
See my people through portholes
Pray for someone else who
Likes nighttime walks
And midnight talks
To come outside
And see me for once

Sit back down on my throne
Hunch over
Resign myself to being alone
I scream into the void
Of the night to no answer
There is no hope in opening a door
That I locked myself
Being antisocial is really great... Also yes. This is about being alone in a bathroom. Kinda. Literally, that's what it is about. I also wrote this is in a bathroom. My life is very exciting.
121 · 1d
Condolences
It's almost funny
The way I fall
In love with anyone
It shouldn't be this way
It shouldn't be you
But it is
And how am I
Supposed to help it
I'm just a kid
With a head full of clouds
And a heart full of dreams
That I can't quite reach
I love my guilty pleasures
But you aren't
Even guilty
You're just a man
That I don't know
You're just a man
That I'll never know
And I will daydream
About meeting you
In separate places
I could be your doll
You're not
A work of art
And darling that's okay
Let's keep it that way
You'd think I was crazy...
115 · Jul 15
Miserable Sometimes
Misery
Is my favorite company
Because she never
Gets tired of me
Woe is me.
Cold eyes wither me
Cold mouths touch my skin
Sweet words no longer reach my ears
Am I no longer kin?

Bitter tears streak my face
Midnight gathers on a page
Silence is the only solace
They only battle against the rage

Red runs like water
Blood thick enough to tear us apart
Maybe I’m a daughter
But I do not know their hearts
108 · Nov 2018
Them
I wonder why
Sometimes
Do they still look at me?
Does my sight make them feel
Turn away
Fight sadness and longing

Is love replaced with hatred with nothing at all?
Was it love at all?
Was their mind full of me?
Dark eyes smiling
Cattish mouth in a frown

Mascara stains all of my sheets
They caused it
Close my eyes and tip back
My eyes fill with water
My lungs fill with flames
Nothing can ever mend a broken promise

Their body is nothing but hatred
Their smile is nothing but a lie
Their face is nothing but a mask
They are nothing but a stranger
For an old love of mine.
Feelings
They berate me
I don't know what I feel for you
Or why
This is beginning to suffocate me

Insecurities
Both inside and out
Am I attracted to you?
Or am I simply so lonely
That I'm clinging to you

How am I to say
Why I want to kiss you
And dance with you
When I've never kissed before
And never danced but alone

One cannot miss what
They have not had
But I miss you
And your flaws
Anyways

Scared to make a move
I couldn't love you if I wanted to
I don't want to
If I see you again
I might fall for you anyways
Do I like you or am I just tired of being alone?
Tightening
Strings refuse to loosen up
Let me shed my tears
I'm so tired and mentally incapable that I'm writing haikus.
101 · Apr 11
A Sonnet
My eyes, they weep, from bitter wings of fear
My fate is sealed by torture with no end
My soul, it cries, from icy streaming tears
The angels cry but no good luck they send

My will, it breaks, with harsh and brutal steps
My ears, they bleed, as I witness conceit
My back, it aches, from dread and hate I've kept
The demons shriek but give they no replete

Test fire and heat, as I journey through hell
Hold my head high and sing a battle song
The force I seek, all fear it shall dispel
With one fair cleave, I sever right and wrong

My fevered foe no longer posing  threat
So long, goodbye, none mourn the great sonnet
My English assignment was to write a sonnet so I did.
I'm gonna go dig up Shakespeare's grave now, and beat his dead body with a shovel.
There are a million little things
That I want to say to you
That's you'll always be beautiful
And my heart lights up
Whenever I get a text
Then drops
When it isn't from you
Your music tastes are great
There's someone I think you'd like
But you'll never get to know
Because we don't talk much anyways
I think I'm caught up
In your face
And your smile
It's so cliche but
I haven't felt like this
In a while
You're something I'll always miss
Sweet cherry blossoms
Mixed with a bit of bitterness
There's something we never had
That touch and go
Easily flowing conversation
And I want that
Like I want you
I want you
I'm being petty but she just texted me ahhhhh
97 · Jul 25
Public Romance
What's the deal with love
Why is it so elusive
Why do we all
Lives our lives
Chasing out own tails
In the name of love
It's the subject of every song
Every book and movie
Just has to have love
You can only be single
If you're ready to mingle
And I'm done
The only one
I can't wait to fall for
Is myself
Love perpetuated by media is such ****.
96 · 3d
Nightmares
I hate him
I hate that my dreams of him
Are the happiest things
I hate that part of me
Still thinks he's okay
I hate that my mind
Keeps bringing him back
Long after I've blocked him
And tried to move on
I hate him because it's easy
It's easier than hating myself
I hate because if I don't
I start to wonder
If it was my fault after all
I can only do much when my subconscious keeps acting like he's a ******* saint.
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