Calm and collected
There's a power
To amber evening light
The bearer of night
The songs of birds
Resonating in my bones
Rhythm pulsing
In my soul
Alone has never been
So powerful

I'm so emo
I never wash my clothes
I'm so emo
I can't even blow my nose

I'm so emo
My life's a tragedy
I'm so emo
Fringe is too long I can't see

I'm so emo
Mixing hipster with some goth
I'm so emo
Who is David Hasselhoff

I'm so emo
Twerking to Ronnie Radke
I'm so emo
My friend calls all her friends “daddy”

I'm so emo
I’ve got all three chokers on
I'm so emo
My squad’s called “Satan's spawn”

I'm so emo
I died in 2013
I'm so emo
I'm gonna cry myself to sleep

You don't need
Black jeans and band tees
To be ripped apart on the inside

I'm sorry sweetheart
But this is going to hurt

This is selfish
And I know
I know
I always do
But that doesn't stop me
From self absorbed thoughts
Then panicking
When I notice
Then slicing open
My thighs
Bleeding out
My lies
It's such a vicious cycle
And it's only
The start
I won't say
That I'm not ashamed
Of the things I've done
Of the person
I've become
But I also can't say
That I didn't want this
That I didn't
Ask for this
Because I did
And I deserve it
I don't remember a time
When things weren't wrong
It's the subtleties
The little things
I looked up
On my first phone
The pinching
The picking
The restricting
I was only eleven then
I made friends
I shouldn't have
I opened my arms
To the whole world
And it rushed in
Too fast
I wasn't ready
I know that now
But I asked for it
And I can't change
The past
The first time
My mother told me
She was worried
I wondered why
I was always
The one who worried
The one who noticed
The anguished faces
Who pressed her ear
To the bathroom door
And heard the muttered
Conversations
About things
And how they go wrong
And always
It seemed
I was the heart of it all
So I was scared
I wanted to change
I haven't known a day
Without shame
In at least five years now
That's an awfully
Long time
To survive
In the wild
Menacing darkness
Just a child
A babe in the woods
How would you feel
If that babe knew
About the monsters
The creatures of the deep
All the bad things
That most people
Run from
And she took them
With a scream
That was me
I was lost
I still am
To some degree
There are scars
That will never fade
But it was all
For a rush
That highlight
Starstruck
Moonlit night
When I cried
For so long
Because I couldn't have him
Or her
Or them
Or anyone
In particular
And it all climaxed
Again and again
There doesn't seem
To be an end
Just more walls
In my twisting maze
Every time
I see a light
It turns out
It's just a phase
An illusion
A ghost
Of something I never had
Maybe if she hadn't died
Maybe if they'd never fought
Maybe if I'd been a
Better child
None of this
Would've happened
There must be
Another world
Where I find happiness
But that's not mine
That's not me
I'm the timeline
That everyone is glad
They don't belong to
I'm the mess
The perfect tragedy
My parents
What do they even
Think of me
I can imagine that
Hospital fees
Add up pretty quick
And with all that I've done
I'm not worth
What I cost
I'm just a mess
A disaster of a girl
I was never meant to be born
But he died
Instead
And here I am
Dying for the light
But unwilling
To venture out
I guess I'm
Sick and twisted
In a number of ways
But more than anything
I'm scared
And I'm not enough
I'm not skinny
Like I was
I can barely show
My face in public
I can't wear shorts
Except around the house
And I hate myself
So much
Most of the time
That dying often seems
Like the only answer
I'll never stop coming back to
So yeah
My depression
So big and ugly
I'm unable
To untangle
Its reflection from mine
We're so
Intertwined
I've been here for so long
It's grown around me
It's a dying tree
And I am dying with it

In a coloured world
You're black and white
In this sunny life
You're eternal night

In my course palms
You're silk liquid
In this broken home
You can't fix it

But in my eyes
You're a dancer
And in my mind
You're already mine

Eye contact
From across the cafeteria table
Maybe you were saying something
But now we don't speak
We just sit quietly
And we might as well be alone
In this room together
Your blue green eyes
Locked on mine
Until we look away
I'll just bathe in your smile

Yeah
I get it
You're a princess in your robe ball gown
With your boyfriend across the states
Dancing a waltz with you
In some stupid ballroom
And you're so in love
You've decided to get married
With blessings from the parents
There are doves in the air
Practically
But then you fight in the bathroom
Then make up twenty minutes later
Your life is hard
You and your prince
Dancing in a ballroom

Laying down
Spending my time
Reading books
Browsing the internet
Watching the sun
Finally set
As my family
Sits outside
In a proper family circle
While I wait
For the night

Can I please
Be something more
Than empty

Love
Simple, yet beautiful
The flow and dart of
Upstream fishes
Fighting the current
I see it around me
In texts and hearts and
Casual conversation
But it is not casual
And I do not have it
Empathy is slipping out of reach
Similar
But all too different.
You like heat
Standing in the sun your head up
Children's things
Music
Don't touch my hand
Shy away because It's Me
And I am not enough
I'd like to think I hate everyone
But I think
I just don't know how to interact with people

Can't stop
Won't stop
Feeling things
Buried in emotions
Like wet sand
At that beach
I never asked to be here

It's ugly
Right?
That's what they've always told me
And I should be grateful
To even have someone
Who wants to hit on me
But I want to be alone
In a romantic way
I like you as a friend but
I'd rather stay away
From the complications
Of relationshipping
And you make me laugh
And you're pretty cute
But I don't like you
So I'll call you
Dude and man
And give you subtle hints that
Men aren't my cup of tea
Because as lovely as you are
And straight as you can be
Darling I'm not into you
That's just how it is
I'm homoflexible
And asexual at best
It's the game I play
And you aren't my
Exception

If I find you
Will you mind
My broken windows
My rotted steps
The rats
In my head
And the bats
In the basement
Will you mind
The smokestacks
And boarded
Up doorways
Will you recognize
That I don't want
For you to leave
I just want
Someone to
Break inside

Lovely
Crashing
Colliding
Off the rails and
Into the water

The black
Those depths
Known too well
For such young lungs
Sinking to swim

Kicking
Thrashing
Brought to the surface
By a balloon
You never saw that before

Red and love
Don't rise too high
You aren't a bird
You're a trainwreck
Dying to live

"I want to go home"
I think
As I sit in a school cafeteria
Clouds above and below my head
Sinking down into my own personal hellscape
My mire
My endless pit of open ended thoughts
"Am I good enough?"
I think that I surely am not
I've never been good enough for just about anyone

Flowers buried deep
Rooted in her skin
Growing in her sunlight
Drowning in her rain
A scattering
Of dandelion seeds
Left to thrive
In a local park
Popping up and out
Turned away from the ground
Face to the sun
Everyone wonders
Where we come from

Nighttime
Is not moonlit cheeks
And starry eyes

It is a silent island
A private pillar
In the mists
Of lost sleep
A single bleary eye
Fuzzy and clouded
Picking out the patches
Of pixelated sky
Deadened by darkness
Alone again

Moonlight
Gardening
Playing punk music
In our
Tiny backyard
Kale brushing
Pale bare calves
Soft earth
Between toes
Cucumbers plucked
From delicate stems
Eating the fruits
Of long hours
In the dry sun
On a dew damp
Trampoline
On a cool full moon

Elated
A light cloud
Rising up
Around you
So clean and pure
See the lack in your face
But I don't care
You are so vivid
Colour seeps into the world
Around you
Just from standing near you
I become colourful too
Like a clean breathe
Of fresh air you cleanse my lungs
Drift away my regrets and fears
Dare me to dream
And I dream
Endless skies and the scent of
Evergreen and the stars
Infinity
Walk alone for miles
Live my life the way I want to
I want to be here again

It's me
It's the bitter ache
Watching the leaves
Move on trees
Outside
It's the deep rooted
Wrongness
That pervades me
It's the sickness
That's growing
Little sprouts of doubt
Littering my bones
It's the saddest melody
That she sings
It hits me
Flattens me
It's me

It's too sunny
To think about you
I'll do it anyways
I'm too busy
To be so worried
I'll do it anyways
So many places
I've got to be
Yet I'm in my head
Dreaming again
About your Colorado
To my east coast
I'm obsessed with
The promise
Of a letter from you
I just can't wait
Never knew
Depression could be
So **** happy
It's really selfish
To be thinking
About dates
When your head
Is being erased
And I'm doing
Nothing
But it's too late
You're already gone
And so am I
So please write back
I'm in love with
Your ideas and
The sight of your face

I'm so drained
I can barely lift my fingers
To press these keys
Yet it's key
That I get this message out
A message about
How tired I am

Everything *****
So here I am
Trying not to cry
In the middle of a class
Over just one stupid person
One stupid, stupid person
Barely worth crying over

They say there's no use crying
Over spilled milk
And they are an oil spill
Staining everything
The sheets, the skies
Staining my painful heart

I just want to move on
To stop being stuck
On some teenage crush

There are a million little things
That I want to say to you
That's you'll always be beautiful
And my heart lights up
Whenever I get a text
Then drops
When it isn't from you
Your music tastes are great
There's someone I think you'd like
But you'll never get to know
Because we don't talk much anyways
I think I'm caught up
In your face
And your smile
It's so cliche but
I haven't felt like this
In a while
You're something I'll always miss
Sweet cherry blossoms
Mixed with a bit of bitterness
There's something we never had
That touch and go
Easily flowing conversation
And I want that
Like I want you
I want you

You waved
Today
When I was driving off
It didn't mean much
I know
But it meant a lot
To me
This means a lot to me
You know
The way we talk
The way we play
This game
How many times
Can I tell you
I like your
Whatever it might be
Before you realize
I just like you
In general

I could be alone
I could be sad
I could cry myself to sleep
But I don't
I walk through cemeteries
And have panic attacks
And fall in love
Far too often
I guess that's just a side effect
Of deciding to live

Come now, darling, take my hand
Alight the trampoline
We can do much more than bounce
That much you’ll come to see

We can lie down, side by side
Cool mesh against your face
Talk about life, love, and such
And dream of outer space

See the gleaming morning dew
Smell the morning air
Feel you lying next to me
Not sure if you’re aware

I like to be by your side
I love to see you smile
Lie with me on trampolines
Let’s stay here for a while

Words don't explain
How ******* sad I am right now

Warm golden curls
Swirling beneath the surface
A porcelain crater
Filled to almost overflowing
Delicate toes
Tickled by the current
Bronzed summer legs
Tipped up in relaxation

As long as I
Can hold you
In my mind
That is enough

We can finally talk again
And I want to see you around
But I'm just so tired
Of talking right now
And I'd rather die
Than let you down
But I'm just so tired
Of people right now

Sitting alone
In this room with you
Asleep on my bed
While I sit
By the window
It always goes this way
You're perfect, love
Until you're not
We're the best of friends
At times
But in the end
To me
You're selfish
To you
I'm disposable

You're tired love
My squire love
In dire need of water, love
Pour into you all of my love
Just to see your fire, love
These walls won't grow around you, love
A job won't find itself, my love
Sit upon the sill, my love
Leave the games for later love
Look out at all the people, love
They are finding their own love
Building, breaking, shaping love
Faking 'til they make it, love
Out there is something great, my love
Greater than just our small love
A risk I'll have to take, my love
If you don't follow, you will break my love
I'll leave you to the wolves, my love
For one chance to escape this love

I started the scarf
That I'm making for you
I **** at knitting
So don't be surprised
If the whole thing unravels
In your gentle hands
Just like I did
When we first met

I guess I must be
A criminal
Because I
Am a prisoner
And people hurt
For a reason
As far as
Reasons go
I don't have many
Just a bucket
Full of guilty
Misbeliefs
All the lies
That I tell
To the me
In the mirror
I know I'm
No good
But god I'm
Just a little girl
Only fifteen
Aren't I allowed
To think
I'm pretty
Can't I believe
That someone
Might love me
What happened
To twirling my
Fingers in
My curled hair
Because they
All say to
Trust my intuition
But intuition's
A *****
And she says
Everything
I don't want
To hear
That is my
Heartbreak
Reality
My saddest
Totality

I am not
Pretty
I am not
Witty
I am not
Smart
I am not
Creative
I am not
Loving
Nor am I
Loved
I am not
Perfect
I am not
Enough

Part of healing
Is letting go
And I should forget
The way you looked
At me
But you're my
Own private hell
Burned into my mind
By our eyes
As much as it hurts
I wouldn't stop
If I could
You're the furthest
From breaking
I've ever come

Windy November day
Kept inside by the warm embrace
Of heaters
And soft clothes
Scents fill the air
Permeate me
Fill me up
Mushrooms in a sauce pan
Pungent slices of green
Pumpkin
Light a candle to ward off tears
Smoke and steam meet
Like lovers in the air
Warm folds of grey and gold
Wrap up slanted eyes
And silken midnight fur
The gentle thrum of a feline chest
Keeps time with a
Cribbage board
Butter melts
The soft crackle of frying things
The gentle fragrance of tea
Three women together
While winds rage outside
Leaves, stripped from trees
Litter the sodden ground
Rain patters down
Tops of trees dance
But inside
We are warm
And together
And for that, I am thankful

Shaking
Taking in breaths
Through the bottom of my feet
Aching
In all the places that I landed
Mind overtaken
By all the possibilities
Of things that could've come

Sweet summer sun
Hidden by clouds
Rain pours down
Puddles forming
Where dog feet splash
Plants growing up
Tangled in the light
Feeding on the rain
Beautiful days
Wild strawberries and
Huckleberry trees
Dark eyes
Hidden by shadows
Wisdom
Buried under roots

Remembering the first time you kissed me kinda hurts
Because you never asked if I wanted it
It's strange that where we came from is a place of such pain
Such malice and misunderstanding
The floor there is still stained from my tears
Same with your pillow cases
And my old tee shirts
     (do you remember the first time you cried on me?)
I do

I visit sometimes
Lay down in the soft embrace of your cat haired covered sheets
     (we have the same sheets)
Close my eyes and feel your weight
I don't resent you anymore
I never would've resented you if I'd known you back then
But I didn't
I knew black slacks
An Iron Maiden tee
     (I have the same one)
A [REDACTED] license plate

I open my eyes and
You walk in with a pizza
     (Dominos, they had a 50% promotion)
It has sausage and spinach on your half
Mushrooms and green olives on mine
I'm glad I know you now

Sometimes I am lonely
Sometimes it gets so bad
That my teeth ache
In my jaw
And my legs won’t stop shaking

My mind is a mirror
My mind is a hammer
I’ll break myself apart
Because there is no one here
To stop me

What if I showed you all the poems I wrote
Would you taste the asphalt
I felt
As I sat and scribed
Would you see the graffiti
The street signs, city life
Would it mean anything

I'm not sure when
I flew
At first
A simple night
Dark with
Starry skies
I rose up
From the hole in the earth
Birthed by the ground
A child of nature
Sent up into
Life

What doesn't **** you
Makes you wish you were dead
That taste of the edge
Latches onto your bones
And grows like the mold
In the plaster basement cracks
In the pit of my soul
That grows deeper and deeper
And I can't take
The heavy weight
Of my own screams
And my buried mistakes
One more moment of silence
Might as well shatter me
I'm a porcelain doll
With a fragile disposition
Easily offended and losing friends
The loneliness is haunting me
Animating the skeletons
I sleep beside
I'm too scared
To lay in my bed
Ever since she left
So I make my home
In a nest of scarves
And support myself
The best I can
But the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
I'm the furthest thing
From Atlas
I do my best
But since when has "best"
Meant anything

I still dream about you,
you know.

Not every night like I used to
but still often enough to wake up
wondering why you aren't around.

And you're always on my mind.
Always.

I can't keep doing this.
Even though I hurt you, you're
the one who's hurting me
so inadvertently.
And every silence is like
a blow to the face,
because I know you see me.

You're such a good bad guy.

Tired eyed
But so excited to be here
Kissing in a parking lot
Like you promised
Over the phone
Sleeping in shifts
Playing video games
And exploding kittens
Until the sun rises
Braiding your hair
Into a woven crown
A pile of snakes atop your head
Curled up under my duvet
Listening to the rain
Pound on the ceiling
Listening to my heart
Pound on my skin
Drowning
In my old leather jacket
Your shining face flecked with mud
From a long wait
That has never been more worth it

Fingers searching
Probing
At any other point
This would be endearing
But these fingers seek destruction

Every flaw
Every bump and crevice
Is torn away
I wish I could mold myself
Into someone else
But I can't
So I'll tear myself apart instead

It starts with a peach
It was a good peach
Not spectacular but
Still pretty good
It was free stone
So the flesh fell away
And I was left
With a pit
And an idea

Then the planting
Had to wait
For my mother
To get off the phone
To show a ***
Where my peach pit
Could grow
Bury it deep underneath
Fresh bagged dirt
I'm hoping it will grow
I'm still not really sure

If my peach does grow
I'll have more peaches
Or a tree at least
With fruit to come
I read up online
About how to take care
Of a baby peach tree
When to water and prune
When to let flowers
Blossoms and when to
Pluck away the stems

Now I get to wait
Through long winter days
Watch my peach pit
Grow or not grow
It isn't up to me
I'll hope it'll sprout
Into a lovely tree
But right now
It's just a peach pit
A tiny rock
Full of promise

I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save

Cloudy in August
Couldn't be better
Burning dumpsters
Near crowded highways
This inner city squalor
Is my lifelong muse
Leather jackets
And scuffed up boots
Patients give me
Patience sticking
Needles in our veins
Dynomatic symphonies
Pounding us
With ecstasy
Drinking in the
Sweet smoked air
At bus stops I've
Never seen before
I'd never it give it up
That politically incorrect
Temperamental judgement
I'll live forever
For the idiosyncratic
Enigma I call
My not quite home