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Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better
I don't want to save you
I want what we never had
To sit and talk about music
Without all the awkward pauses
I'm sorry for this
Because I'll probably leave you in the end
  May 11 hannah in spring
I bought sunflower seeds and planted them in a little *** on my window sill
I watered and tended to the leaves everyday
Every time the leaves seemed sick or browning
I had to hold back tears as I cut away the rot
Is it weak or dumb of me that I cried?
Like witchcraft I cared for that flower as if it were our love
As the leaves would rot so too did our hearts
As the petals fell so too did your love for me
And in every falling petal
Every cut leaf
Every inch of that flower
I felt you grow farther and farther out of reach from me
  May 11 hannah in spring
I text you when I am scared or crying
I ask "What are you doing?" or "How are you?" to set my mind at ease
Because knowing you exist is soothing in itself

But you've stopped responding

The lifeline-
Cut and abandoned
I still ask how your days is
But you don't answer

Because you've stopped trying
  May 11 hannah in spring
When did I become a second thought to you?
I always put you first
I assumed you did the same
I thought I'd at least be a second thought
Perhaps a third?
Or maybe not
Perhaps you do not think of me as I think of you

Or was it that you never did?
I want to be a silhouette on the horizon of your future.

A sleepy ocean sends its waves ashore
where the warm island breeze
and gentle waters meet
the sand beneath, grounds my feet

The sky reflects itself, unblemished
orange crimson below a yellow haze
and into the affinity of night's stillness
a silent and pale blue slowly fades

I am aware of your presence
eyes blue and serene
gazing upon me in quiet contemplation
imaginably painting me into your scene
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