Cold days and Cold feet I just don't Want to get up Right now Don't be sad Or think that I am I'm not I'm just tired And frustrated And I want to be alone In the world Doing what I love I hope that's not Too much to ask
Today isn't one hundred percent stellar, but at least it's cold where I am again. It'll only get up to 77° F today. It won't rain though. Shame.
I wonder what he thought of me When I was 9 years old. My two sisters and I running around Excited to meet someone Mom brought home
I wonder if he knew then What he would take from my family, From me. I wonder if he knew then The wedges he would place when he tried To make we.
I wonder how long it took him to choose. My older sister never liked him. My younger sister was 4. I guess it could have been worse. It could've been her he had coerced.
When he coached my volleyball team And insisted it was indecent For underage girls to wear spandex uniforms I thought "how nice it is for him to care." I wonder, was he concerned for me Or protecting my delicious modesty?
When he followed me up to my room After my showers Was he waiting outside the door Like he said, or was he waiting for the day he would waltz right in?
When he stayed up Talking to me at night We weren't good friends, Best friends. We were predator and prey. He was trying to make me see That him and me would be okay.
That my mother didn't care. That my sisters weren't worthy. That my friends could never understand. He wanted me to know that I was alone, And he understood. We were the same.
In the same breath He would call me his kid Then tell me how grown I'd gotten. How smart, beautiful, honest. My mother apparently forgotten.
Because when you held my hand and said I was pretty I thought I loved you, and when you kissed my neck and spread my young legs I thought I loved you, but when I told the nurse that I had fallen down the stairs a third time, I realized I didn't love you. I just thought I did, like I thought I loved history class when i really preferred science. and you, you thought you loved me but really you loved the way I withered underneath you. because finally someone other then you, was begging for mercy.
inspired by lana del rays' "born to die" music video