Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.
I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.
Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.
I'm not broken, actually.
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
I have a choice in this.
I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.
Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.
Huge trigger warning, obviously. I had a realization last night that I have been in situations where I have been sexually assaulted and *****, textbook examples of ****, as a result of being assaulted and groomed as a teenager. I've told myself this is just kink, it's self expression, it's me and my partner being comfortable enough with each other to explore the darker sides of ourselves. I was wrong. ****** abuse is an incredibly normalized phenomenon in Western culture, through **** and pop culture and politics and toxic masculinity, but that doesn't mean that it is healthy or right. ****** abuse is not love. Depictions of ****** abuse being love is both a result of a warped society and the fodder that warps society further. I'm done letting people **** me. I'm not doing this anymore.