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May 7 · 14
Forever & Always
hannah May 7
Things are slowly falling apart

I have such good friends
A family who loves me to death
A house and a home and a heart that beats
But I'm so empty

It starts with a click
Nails on my phone screen
Reading that text
Again and again
The beginning of the fall

My room starts getting messy
I start writing less
Lunches pile up on my desk
I get used to feeling hungry again
I still list my songs before bed
Falling asleep in my sweatpants
Clothes piled on a chair
So high it's practically an entity
A guardian of my depression
Watching me fall

I still talk to my friends
I still smile when I read
And laugh at old shows
But it's harder now
And I ache when it's over
Deeper than before

It's not my worst ever
But if I had a bottle of pills
I'd drink them down painfully
After much deliberation
Life is so painful and lonely
When you're failing ever so slowly
Withdrawing and crawling
Deeper in your hole
It's so dark down here
Yet I loathe the light
I take the perfect life I have
And flush it away
Watch it drain
Then scoop up the dregs
And mourn it
Like I wasn't the one who made me
Forever lonely
Forever and always
Title from the song by Zeph.
Apr 27 · 8
The Mannequin
hannah Apr 27
I must ask
Who poured lead in my bones
Who stitched up my throat
Closed up my old wound
And left it
Rotting and infected
To slowly eat me away
Apr 22 · 830
Shut Up!
hannah Apr 22
Yeah
I get it
You're a princess in your robe ball gown
With your boyfriend across the states
Dancing a waltz with you
In some stupid ballroom
And you're so in love
You've decided to get married
With blessings from the parents
There are doves in the air
Practically
But then you fight in the bathroom
Then make up twenty minutes later
Your life is hard
You and your prince
Dancing in a ballroom
****
Apr 9 · 339
Good Bad Guy
hannah Apr 9
I still dream about you,
you know.

Not every night like I used to
but still often enough to wake up
wondering why you aren't around.

And you're always on my mind.
Always.

I can't keep doing this.
Even though I hurt you, you're
the one who's hurting me
so inadvertently.
And every silence is like
a blow to the face,
because I know you see me.

You're such a good bad guy.
Title from "Dream About You" by Charlotte Sands.
Mar 17 · 35
Dear Protector: 3
hannah Mar 17
Please message me back
I'll respect whatever you do
But I'm not ready for this to be over

Probably should've thought of that earlier
Mar 16 · 45
Dear Protector: 2
hannah Mar 16
You've made your stance quite clear
You don't want me in your life anymore
Understandable
After what I did

I was sure you'd come back
But you didn't
You haven't
And there's a good chance you won't

I need to move on
Pick myself up and get myself away from here
Immerse myself in different things
Pick up hobbies
Begin reassociating the things I recognize as you
With something else

I can't let you rule my life anymore
I just can't
I have to move on
He went offline this morning while I was trying to talk to him. I think that's a pretty clear sign.
Mar 15 · 21
Dear Protector: 1
hannah Mar 15
I miss you
Why did I leave you
Why did I ever do this
I miss your face so ******* much
I just wanna talk to you again
But I know you won't respond
You've decided to respect my decision
So I know you won't message back
I know you won't add me again
You won't block me because you probably can't bring yourself to
But you won't respond

I'm alone now
You were my number one confidant
I loved you so much
We would always call when I was sad and I'd go to bed smiling
And imaging you holding me
Your chest pressed against my back
And then it stopped working
I got off the phone and sobbed into my hands
It wasn't enough anymore
I guess I realized things wouldn't work out

It hurts so much to let go of you
My eyes have been constantly swollen since I left
Full of tears and mourning
As much as I wish you'd text back
I'm glad you haven't
This was coming sooner or later
part one of me venting my thoughts about him
Feb 19 · 50
Angels
hannah Feb 19
If you've ever grown a garden
You know how hard it is
To start again and again
Year after year
Planting seeds and saplings with love and care
Only for it all to die when the cold comes

But you learn some things
Growing a garden
Not all is lost in winter
Some things go dormant, some roots grow deep
Deep enough to evade the cold and stay imbedded in that ground forever
All things die in time
But not some of these trees
They become immortal to you
They're there as long as you live

It all starts out small in a garden
You fail at first, and then again
But then something sticks
Something holds
Fights to hold on and stay alive
And succeeds
And you get to watch it grow into this beautiful thing
Towering over all the other plants you grow after that
No matter how tall or splendid your other plants grow
There was always the first
Even after it dies
It's still alive
Because it is the foundation
Of everything else you grow
Thank you for getting me this far. I'm never going to forget you.
Oct 2020 · 201
Kiss The Ground
hannah Oct 2020
You are everything I've ever wanted
You make me so numb
I should just let things die out
It'd be the happiest ending for us.
Aug 2020 · 48
Dear Josh
hannah Aug 2020
If I knew
That I'd see you when I die
I wouldn't **** myself
I'd stay here
Live out my life
See what the world has to offer
Before I joined you in the grand above

I hope you wouldn't mind
If I made you wait for a while
You could watch me on my adventures
I hope clinical psychology
Or big firm accounting
Sound interesting to you
I'll travel all across the states
Thinking of you as an angel on my shoulder

I like how I operate
Thinking that you're dead
You might still be out there
Living your own life
Completely apart from mine
What would you think
If someone told you you'd see me when you die
Would you be disappointed
Would you wish it was someone else
Or would you smile again
Like you smiled on my last full day
When I asked you to support me
I think you'd say yes
Like you did then

I wouldn't be scared of death
If I knew I'd spend it with you
There's no one I'd rather be with
And I mean it
I'll spend my life with everyone else
Might as well spend my death with you

I think I think about you dead because it's easier to cope
Than knowing you're probably out there
And you never called
I still want you sometimes
I still perk up when the phone rings
But I know it's not you
Because now you're dead
Or you stopped searching
Maybe you never searched at all
Honestly, the thought that I wasn't special to you
Is the worst thing I can imagine
I don't believe it though
I saw something in your eyes
That knots up my throat every time I think about you
You cloud over my eyes
You make me cry
Because you're one of my favourite people in the world
And you mean so much to me
I know you'll never find this, but if you do, search my name on instagram. I'm on there and I'm waiting every day for you to find me. I miss you so ******* bad and I'd give up a lot if it meant I got to talk to you again. I mean it.
Aug 2020 · 35
Romanceless
hannah Aug 2020
You remind me of what it's like to fall in love
The rush
And the eventual disappointment
It's been so long for me that I don't even feel human anymore
Everyone I know is a million miles away
And I don't even mind

I don't know
Maybe this is just more proof
That I'm better off alone
Because there's nothing quite like
The numbness crashing in
It's not something I can share with someone
I wouldn't if I could

I'm listening to old love songs
And they just make me realize
How I'm never romantically nostalgic anymore
I don't care about my old crushes
They've all turned to dust on me
The only boy I've ever loved might as well be dead
And I've resigned myself to the fact that he's the only love I'll ever have
He's the only one I still cry for
He's the one I'd die for
If it meant I could see him in heaven

I don't know
Maybe I'm over young love
Maybe I'm just preaching and goth
Not old for my time
But I feel no connection
To any of these people

I flirt with my ex girlfriend because I'm bored
She doesn't deserve it
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
And I was so in love with her before
But now that's gone too and I'm stuck rambling all because my friend is in love and talked to me about it on pinterest
I don't know
I never thought I would be so emotionally unavailable
That even romance wasn't my thing anymore
Middle school me would be disappointed.
Aug 2020 · 50
Heaven With You
hannah Aug 2020
You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too
It hurts but I'm slowly moving on.
Aug 2020 · 24
Suicidal Thoughts
hannah Aug 2020
Thinking about unblocking his number
Is suicidal thoughts
He's my death wish
My reaper's kiss
Can't believe he was once my everything

Manipulative, darkened and deceiving
I fell for every trick he fed me
And always woke up from nightmares
That left me screaming
They were dreams of him
And a rooftop
And giant claws
They're suicidal thoughts

I see his face
In every scar on my arm
Every shriveled patch of skin
Is something like him
So twisted and deceived
Well, that's more like me
But I still miss him sometimes
Wonder what I looked like in his eyes

A fool, I suppose
Just a foolish girl
Lost in his fantasy world
A world where he might actually love me
Pure fantasy
Where the rope around my neck
Is a daisy chain
And this suicidal thoughts
Are pure bliss to me
Aug 2020 · 27
I Miss You
hannah Aug 2020
It's been over a year now
Soon to be two
And I'm still thinking about you
I don't really look for you anymore
I don't fantasize about seeing you as often
I'm moving on
To different things
But I still want to see you again

Would you even recognize me
With my short hair
And slightly different body
I picture seeing you on the street
In your jeans and t-shirt
Me in leggings and a Manson hoodie
Our eyes meet and you recognize me
Maybe we even speak
Exchange telephone numbers and
Arrange to see each other again

But plans fall through
And it won't happen anyways
I missed you by mere seconds
Maybe one more day
Just one more day
Would've been enough
But you had already lost me
I was already gone
Aug 2020 · 39
You're Everything
hannah Aug 2020
You're so much more than a matter of fact
You're sitting at a table
and I'm watching you drink juice
You're texts I get at two in the morning
that I only read when I wake up
You're holding up your hands
while looking at a starry sky
trying to catch the moon
and bring it down to you
You're a poet
and you're your own poetry
You're a mess
You're all the pinterest boards we made together
You're beautiful
You're laughing
as we play video games in your room
You're doing a cheerhold for my feet
so I don't fall down this slippery ***** we built for ourselves
You're an artist
You're art
You're taking mirror selfies with me
You're everything
to cc
Jul 2020 · 27
Highschool Boyfriend
hannah Jul 2020
Imagine having that perfect highschool boyfriend
Being one of those couples in the halls
Hugging before each class
Kissing after school
Wearing his hoodie
While he wears your scrunchie

Imagine staying up late facetiming
Falling asleep to his voice from your phone
Holding hands when you walk together
All your friends talking about how cute you are
Holding a special place in someone's heart
And being so open about it

Imagine being enough to have that
These aren't even relationships that only exist on tv. I knew couples who did the scrunchie thing in freshman year. I know couples who do all of this still.
I can't imagine what that must be like for them.
Jul 2020 · 48
Falling Apart
hannah Jul 2020
Falling apart
At the lightest touch
What happened to those bright eyes
To that midnight sky
That we laid under
Dew collecting around our bodies
As we stared upwards, unafraid
Of that endless scape of stars

But now you're falling apart
At the lightest touch
At the tap of a piano key
The brush of a snowflake
On my cheek
Why are you afraid?
Why are you crying?
Why are you dying?
Jun 2020 · 40
Hold On
hannah Jun 2020
Would things be different
if we still talked?

Would I feel better?
Would all these disorders be gone?
Would I still be in love
with all there is to be?

Would you still love me?
Did you ever love me at all?
Will your body feel it when I'm gone?
What if my last dream of you
was the day you died?
What would you say
if I joined you?
Title from the song by Chord Overstreet.
May 2020 · 62
I'm Sorry, I'm Trying
hannah May 2020
Imagine that someday, I will be happy
Imagine living not alone
but with an apartment full of roommates
It doesn't matter if they're the people I made promises to
The future is full of empty spaces
waiting to be filled

But god, how I miss them
Everyone
Every single memory
scrolling through her instagram
smiling because she's doing well
I truly hope that everyone is doing okay
I hope that you're all growing up and moving on
more than I am
title taken from the song by nothing,nowhere.
May 2020 · 62
Someday
hannah May 2020
Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better
Incomplete
May 2020 · 92
Savior Complex
hannah May 2020
I don't want to save you
I want what we never had
To sit and talk about music
Without all the awkward pauses
I'm sorry for this
Because I'll probably leave you in the end
May 2020 · 56
Gone
hannah May 2020
Thank you
For a good first year
Sure there were bad parts
Parts where I hardly wanted to be, but
All in all
I was not in pain
I did not suffer like I used to
You were the cause of that
And you are the end

Now I'm gone, baby, gone
No lost love between us
You were there
For my sophomore year
And that's all you'll ever be

I'm gone now
I don't love you or miss you
All those parties
All those 3 AMs
I don't regret them
But I hope they never
Happen again
There are people I will miss, and people I most certainly won't. I'll be a friendly acquaintance for sure. But I'll never be with them again.
Apr 2020 · 72
Lobster Hands
hannah Apr 2020
You're so broken eyed
Since I left your discord server
Puppy dog in a playpen
And a bonfire promise
Maybe I still care about you
More than I want to admit
I'll be there in your backyard
Taking in the sky
And soaking up the smoke
Dreams tend to tell you what you won't admit.
I dreamed about you again.
Apr 2020 · 73
Cold Knees
hannah Apr 2020
You make me happy
You make me feel alive
You are the antithesis
Of my dead end
You're fiercer than a pack of wolves
My love
You'll go great places someday
How you feel if someone wrote a poem called "Cold Knees" about you? Probably not great. "Cold Knees" is a weird name.
Apr 2020 · 44
Mambo No. 5
hannah Apr 2020
I don't know if I'll ever stop looking
If my heart will ever
Cease to skip a beat
Whenever the phone rings
Whenever I see your name
When something happens
Out of the ordinary

You're someone that I love
Miss
Trust
It's not pain, exactly
Just waiting
With the occasional pulse
Of realizing how much you mean to me
There's always that moment of thinking this is it, I've found you, and then realizing it's just another stranger. Then again, what were we but strangers?
Also, I didn't know what to call this, so I guess mambo no 5 will have to do. The song has nothing to do with this poem. I'm doing my best,
Apr 2020 · 46
11:11
hannah Apr 2020
I am not a special moment
I am not ground hog's day
I am not a solar eclipse
Or a sky full of shooting starts
I am not 11:11
I am something else

I am a quiet back street
In early afternoon
I'm pavement you've walked over
A thousand times
I'm an inner city courtyard
Behind some fast food joint
Rose brick walls and a cherry tree

I'm your daily commute
I'm the pattern of the tiles
On your childhood bathroom wall
I'm the scars you trace unconsciously
Scars from scabbed knees
I am rolling over in your sleep
I'm the goosebumps you get
From your second favourite movie
I'm frozen peas

I am a blank sky
I am old sheets
I am chapstick and spare house keys
I'm the little statue in your front yard
On a partly cloudy afternoon
I'm a moment with your head back
Chewing gum in your car
Sitting alone in a Target parking lot
I'm the days between seeing your friends
I'm the scent of your shampoo
The sound of rain outside your first lover's room
I'm your lukewarm nights, your easier goodbyes
I'm white lies

I'm 4:23 PM drinking soda
By the window, on your back porch
I'm the dreams you had when you were three years old
The things you don't even remember anymore
I'm crickets
On a late summer night
I'm the tick of lofi music
Humming over your headphones
I'm everything you stand for
what makes your life?
Apr 2020 · 45
I Want To Hate People
hannah Apr 2020
I want to hate people
I want to hate the humanity
That has made the world what it has become
But there's something so beautiful
About the sun setting over a city
About a rainy day in a small town
About rooftops
And faint lights
Seen from across the river

I want to hate people
But whenever I see our world
Just a glimpse of what we are when the cameras aren't rolling
I fall in love again
We're destructive. There shouldn't be anything here to love, but there somehow is.
Apr 2020 · 50
One More Light
hannah Apr 2020
End of the road
So they say
A cliff's edge
Nothing below but
The frothing sea
Waiting on a whim
To be blown away by the wind
Never knowing what you'll see
That your last breath could be your first
That there's a million stars out there
All glistening
Like the tears on your mother's face
When she watches your coffin
Lowered into your grave
The dew droplets
On the front lawn
Of a little house somewhere
Home to a girl and her dogs
A girl who survived the fall
I👏hate👏the👏way👏this👏turned👏out👏but👏its👏fine
Apr 2020 · 529
Nothing Left To Say
hannah Apr 2020
If I'm your closest friend
Then you deserve someone else
Someone who won't fall in love
When there's no love to be had
I'm sorry
Two more years.
Apr 2020 · 45
Tattoos
hannah Apr 2020
I want to get tattooed someday
Maybe it's masochism
Maybe it's self love
Covering up my scars or
Painting on my body
Showing myself that I am something that can be beautiful
Skin is canvas
In the sense that it weathers
Changes over time
Bears the cloth of the owner's actions
But it is not canvas
It does not exist solely to be impressed upon
Skin holds the soul
Binds together our flesh and bones
So what if I paint it
Blue and black and bleeding red
A pattern of roses across my chest
It's just another tale
Another consequence of my actions
Stitched into my physicality
Like freckles and moles and stretch marks
If it helps me love myself, then what's the point?
Apr 2020 · 44
the whole nine yards
hannah Apr 2020
im sick
blown full of holes then
congested
heat and cold
are my sun and moon
the night and day
a switch flippedv within seconds
the whole nine yards\
but the only yards of mine
are the tendrils of sickness
laid out like racetrack down my tongue
into my inner systems
im typing this in bed as i have tge flu or some *******. sorrin for spelling sand rttypos i cant thinkb straight how do you think i came up with this posm
Mar 2020 · 38
Quarantine Love Story
hannah Mar 2020
The last day I saw you, it was snowing
It was snowing in the middle of March,
which was weird
But even weirder, I was sitting at your table
The cool kid's table
All of your friends looked at me like I was a freak of nature
But I was your freak
They saw us laughing and cracking jokes,
but mostly staying silent
and they left us alone

I wonder if I'll ever forget that day
I've already forgotten the way you dressed
or whether or not you were wearing your glasses
But I remember the snow,
cold and silent as us
Falling down outside
It was still there when I woke up at three o'clock in the morning
to your breathing
To the fact that you were still laying next to me

I remember now,
your red and black sweater
I never got why people call those things sweaters
I always called them sweatshirts, or pullovers
But you'd assuredly call it a sweater
Just like I know you'd always baby talk your dogs
and chase after Emmett in your backyard
and dream of smoking ****
in your unattached garage
I'll never know why you picked me
Why you chose to stick around
When you could've easily left
Maybe it was my perseverance,
If you could call it that
I could never let you get away
I never wanted you away from me

Maybe I'll forget this all someday
When I'm older and greyer
But not quite grey
Living with the one I called my soulmate
The person I chose to believe
was meant for me
Funny, how I still keep thinking about that person as you
when the conversation never flows quite right
how we can't be left alone together
in an empty room
There'd be no fear of passion
We are as lifeless as fallen stilts
The abandoned remnants of some government project
But for now I'll say that I'll always think of you
And I will think of you
Your hair and your stupid smile
Everchanging but always signaturely you
I guess I'll miss the few moments where I felt at home with you
at peace with you
Because after this quarantine is over,
nothing will be the same
Mar 2020 · 68
Lost In The Deadspace
hannah Mar 2020
I'm lukewarm and lost
Peacefully floating
Tethered only
To the rhythmic swaying of my legs
Propped up on top of each other
Staring at the white walls
But too far away to really register
The spinning of the clock hands
The passing of all my time
Not high, just really spacey. Time for my usual routine. I'm so scared for Thursday.
hannah Mar 2020
Written, mostly because
It's all I know
I think about you sometimes
Not as much as I should
If I was really in love
But too much
For me to trick myself into thinking
That I've moved on.

I don't wonder about that night
I know how you feel
But I do wonder what you would think
If I told you that he ***** me
If I told you that my parents
Sent me back to hell
For the things they found under my bed
I feel spacey
Almost as high as Cameron Post
On the night she lost it all
I'm probably just tired
I'm always tired, after all.
I know you wanted conversation because you responded in a couple of seconds, but then Erin showed up and now you aren't even talking in the other group chat, so I guess it wasn't that urgent or you found someone else to talk to. I don't know who else you could find though, because I always thought that we were your last resort. I know you said that if our friends didn't all go back to the honeymoon phase, you'd lose your mind, but honestly, I think you're just passing time until you can get out of this town. You made that one offhand comment about us all moving in together, about starting a record collection and actually using yours and R's old record players, but I don't know if you meant it. We all lose our inhibitions when we go to sleep, and that's all it was when you stayed pressed against me. Moving away in the morning is what counts. I'm so tired right now. I wish we could stay friends.
Mar 2020 · 47
Sweetheart
hannah Mar 2020
I don't miss you anymore
I miss the daisies that popped up
Wherever we stood
Missing your hair
And all the pictures you sent me
Your gentle hands
In china white gloves
Carefully intertwined with mine
Like I was a piece of art
Like I was something to treasure
Not something to throw away

I miss your voice
Blitzing through that
Samsung cellphone
Timed, late at night
What would you think of me now
Mar 2020 · 74
The Tea
hannah Mar 2020
I start telling you a story
You break out into song
You say you're not around
Because of that one special person
The one you hate oh so much
Everyone else believes you
Frankly I don't care anymore
You bring me nothing but apathy
I'm tired of getting excited
When you say we should go thrifting
Then we never do
I might care about what you think
If it was more than empty words
Every time you speak it's nothing
Meaningless interrupting
Say whatever you want
I'm not listening anymore
I frankly just could not give less of a **** about what's going on with them anymore. I don't care whose fault it is. I'm ******* sick of this.
Mar 2020 · 56
Everything Hurts
hannah Mar 2020
I didn't need to dream about you
Holding your hand out to me
******* on the corner of my ear
And asking "do you want to kiss me?"

I didn't want to raise my hopes up
When we haven't talked in days
When our eye contact is only
Mandatory and
I know you never wanted me anyways

I don't want you
I don't need you
So why do I still crave you
Why do I still dream about you
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to see them ever again.
Mar 2020 · 37
You Found Me
hannah Mar 2020
I don't want to be here anymore
I just want to go home
This building is too full
Of half concealed ghosts
I'm tired of dancing
Around the things that truly hurt me
Tired of being scared and numb
Disappearing inside myself
Headphones blasting music
All the things I wish I could say
I'm so ******* tired of being here.
Title from the song by The Fray
Mar 2020 · 60
Swingin Party
hannah Mar 2020
Not side by side
But I carry your umbrella to our table
It's a promise you make
Something physical to prove that you won't leave
You won't leave
Not just yet
Maybe we'll still be here in spring
To watch the sunflowers grow
Dark faces turned towards the sun
While we turn our backs
Watch our shadows staining the lawn
I wonder
Will I see that house again
Dark paperwork and cursed words
Wonder if I'll touch your skin
Trace the outlines of your muscles
And make you shiver
Wonder where we go from here
Part two. Title from a Lorde song.
Mar 2020 · 58
Still Sane
hannah Mar 2020
I guess things are still going after all
My heart keeps beating
And for now, so does yours
We're not in time but
We're talking again
That's enough for my hopes to climb
And my mouth to smile
Parted lips let the words fall out
We kept it closed until now
Now, you still see your other friends
But we're walking again
Part one. Title taken from a Lorde song.
Feb 2020 · 51
Nothing To Nothing
hannah Feb 2020
We are nothing anymore
Not like we were ever much
I try my best to start a conversation
You brush away my words like flies
I don't know why I try
You stay here out of convenience
And frankly, so do I
I'm bored of you and your fickle moods
Indecisions and second choices
We don't dare to cut it off
Just keep on circling
I really want to get away from them so they don't have anywhere to go when they heck up with their other "friends", but that's not actually good motivation. Guess I have to think about this more.
Feb 2020 · 278
Grey Skies
hannah Feb 2020
"I want to go home"
I think
As I sit in a school cafeteria
Clouds above and below my head
Sinking down into my own personal hellscape
My mire
My endless pit of open ended thoughts
"Am I good enough?"
I think that I surely am not
I've never been good enough for just about anyone
I want to go home so bad.
Feb 2020 · 62
Untitled
hannah Feb 2020
It's a soft whisper in the wind
Longing for a home
That doesn't yet exist
Tracing to myself
A lovely lash of lines
Roots growing out to darker tones
We're growing all the time
Feb 2020 · 46
pm
hannah Feb 2020
pm
We're just two lonely people
Connecting across time and space
Over something
Something
That doesn't really matter
Tis a tale as old as time
The roles of you and I

We're probably be good together
You say
From deep beneath the subtext
I sit and nod
Hundreds of miles away
Check my feed
Waiting for my own response

I encourage you
Awkwardly
Because you're the man with the deep voice
You would normally be in charge
But not here
Not today
When we're two anonymous silhouettes
Dancing in the dark

I don't love you
Lonely stranger
But maybe I'll tell myself
That I do
Feb 2020 · 106
The Plans That Never Happen
hannah Feb 2020
We're blasting tunes
From your car radio
Though this night surely
Will end in misery
I'm happy in the moment
With all of my friends
Gonna hang with the squad later.
Edit: It didn't even happen and I've had a generally bad day.
hannah Feb 2020
Today I'm stepping up to the plate
Look of determination on my face
I'm not giving up this time
Because all the cracks that they made
All the dents in my facade
Can't hurt me now
That the lies are all gone
I'm coming out today
With all my guns blazing
Shooting down the hate
That used to feel like home
Title obviously taken from the Kelly Clarkson song.
hannah Feb 2020
I'm missing this idea of you
The idea I had a while ago
I never really wanted anything
It was just a crush
A stupid, meaningless crush
But now I'm overthinking
Trapped inside dungeon walls
I built just for myself
I'm playing my own game
Unwillingly
Tears barely contained
Behind this messy and unconvincing facade
I wonder if my family is worried
Though I'm mostly worried for myself
Things won't get bad again
I'll sing myself to sleep
And fall in love with dreams
Of being with someone
Lying quietly against their shoulder
Rolling out my legs and
Falling asleep to bad tv
hmm.
hannah Feb 2020
Hideously underwhelming
I think I can see cave lights
Off in the distance
You radiate everything
Bad memories and
A cold, calculated concept
I shiver as you shake me
Slowly out of my corporeal body
Sending me to a new dimension
Surrounded by the light
Of a thousand almost fireflies
But it's a cold light
Nothing friendly or familiar
And ants are crawling
Up and down the bones of my spine
Reminding me
Of crisp October evenings
That find me slowly rotting
Dead with or without your love
I thought that writing this would get him out of my head. I was wrong.
Feb 2020 · 285
Baby Blues
hannah Feb 2020
I never not ache like this
The back of my mind is
Ringing like a church bell
The somber sound of
A drizzling day's funeral
I need to find some more music.
hannah Feb 2020
This tea
Tastes like memories
All I want to feel
Is someone's eyelashes
Beating against my skin
The sense of skin on felt
On soft, slippery silk
On icy velvet
What if their mouth tastes like cinnamon
Will their tears
Be pearls of salt on my cheeks
And will they bite me
Spicy spicy times.
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