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May 2 · 156
Loving You
kain May 2
Loving you
is knowing I'll have to let you go someday

Loving you
is accepting heartbreak

Loving you
is bearing the weight of our end
and bearing it gladly

Loving you
is crying in your arms
my ears full of your soft comforting words
my head full of wondering
when I'll hear your voice for the last time

Loving you
is that crushing feeling
that knot that forms in my throat
when I think about you not loving me anymore

Loving you
is knowing you'll find someone else someday
and love them how you loved me

Loving you
is picturing your wedding day
putting myself in the place of a bride
I know I won't be

Loving you
is begging the world with all of my soul
that I get to love you as long as I can

Loving you
is facing a world after you

Loving you
is kissing you on the cheek
one last time

Loving you
is letting you go
Apr 19 · 42
Do You?
kain Apr 19
You're my muse
I think
When all I can hear is the buzz of the AC
And the echo of my fingers on a keyboard
You're my muse
You fill my head with lovely things
And scary things
Kisses and fingertips
Brushing against my scalp
Your tears sinking into my t-shirt
My tears staining my pillows black
I'm scared sometimes
By how much I want you
I daydream of driving to Chicago
And seeing your old house
Looking at the flakes of crumbling paint
Looking at the forgotten or perhaps repressed parts of you
I crave knowing you like that
You're guarded
And I don't blame you
But I wish I could lick your wounds
The ones that still ache when it gets cold at night
Long closed up but never quite healed
You're guarded
I want you to let it down
Let me see the side of you I saw by the river that night
The side I see in your pictures online
Like the one of you laying on your back on a rock
I remember the story of that one
Is it so bad
To want to know you so well
I could crawl inside your skin
Walk around as you for a day
And no one would notice the difference
I don't think it's so bad
Do you?
Feb 10 · 54
Buffalo Chicken
kain Feb 10
Nothing tastes right.

I can hear people talking around me
but their voices never quite touch me.
I’m alone in here
In this empty room
I watch a tv screen
It’s the only light in here
It’s what I see through the eyes of this body.
They’re all watching me walk
Watching how I move
but it’s not me. The person walking through the world is not me. It’s a prison. It’s a life sentence.

I can laugh
when I forget about my body
When it’s just me and a screen
Seen through a screen

Is this what I wished for
the end I can’t escape from?
are my prayers finally answered?
Will this be the end?
I don’t know if I’m ready
If I ever even was
Maybe I really did want to get better
It’s day two
kain Feb 6
Your soft lips
A wet caress
Tinged with sweet mint and cigarettes
And something faintly spiced
The softness of your hands on my hips
Your stomach and chest pressed against mine
Breathing into each other
Your heartbeat the only sound I can hear
Domestically in love
Jan 19 · 96
Sex Slave
kain Jan 19
Realizing that pursuing comfort in the form of abuse
is not some inherent part of me
but a behavior I developed as a result of trauma
changed the game.

I do not inherently seek and attract abusive men and unhealthy relationships.
I seek them because I was taught
by men I thought I loved
in my formative years
that abuse is love.
That sexually traumatizing behaviors
are what I want,
what I'm attracted to.
I have always known that this was not normal
but I thought it was my fault.
I thought this was who I am.

Realizing that I am a product of my environment,
an environment of cruel, **** addicted men
who provided me with my first impression
of a thing called love,
reminded me that that was my "nurture".
And that my "nurture" shaped such an integral part of me
That I thought it -was- me.
But it wasn't.

I'm not broken, actually.
The associations
my young brain has formed
between intimacy and violence
are not final,
nor are they true.
They've led me to seek
out the worst of men
the worst of everyone,
I have a choice in this.

I am not responsible for the men who thought they loved me
and thought that showing it through ****** violence was acceptable.
Their guilt is their own.
Their "nurture" is their cross to bear.
I do not have to tolerate their behavior,
I do not have to seek it out.
I do not have to tell myself that I enjoy it,
that I deserve it,
that I want or need it.
I do not have to center myself or my happiness
around being in a relationship
with an abusive man,
a relationship that distresses me
to the point of suicidal ideation.
I am the master of the universe
that is my mind
I can create my own nurture,
true nurture,
and discover what love actually is to me.

Realizing I was ***** and sexually abused
made me realize I did not choose for that to happen
or for the resulting trauma to develop.
But I do choose this.
I choose to heal.
Huge trigger warning, obviously. I had a realization last night that I have been in situations where I have been sexually assaulted and *****, textbook examples of ****, as a result of being assaulted and groomed as a teenager. I've told myself this is just kink, it's self expression, it's me and my partner being comfortable enough with each other to explore the darker sides of ourselves. I was wrong. ****** abuse is an incredibly normalized phenomenon in Western culture, through **** and pop culture and politics and toxic masculinity, but that doesn't mean that it is healthy or right. ****** abuse is not love. Depictions of ****** abuse being love is both a result of a warped society and the fodder that warps society further. I'm done letting people **** me. I'm not doing this anymore.
Jan 14 · 108
Things That I Miss
kain Jan 14
I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away
Three days babygirl <3
kain Jan 13
You were my teenage love story
The real one
You were my ride or die
My forever and ever
My messy pile of clothes
That drifted into yours
My old sweater
That came down to strings in the end

We were still children, really
Overgrown children still not quite big enough
To fit into these adult clothes
Trying on phrases like "I'll love you forever" and
"I promise I'll never leave"
So excited about the colors
And our feelings bursting forth
That fitting didn't matter

I'm sorry we bought that chair
I know it's burned by now
It went up in a blaze
In your best friend's grandma's backyard
I close my eyes and see the tears on your face
Reflecting the rising ashes and flames
I hope you cursed me

For me to become a distant memory
Some far away faded thing
A leftover pile of string
Is the best fate I can have for you

Our end was abrupt
In the way stories written by a child's hand can be
Trailing on and on and on
A fit of passion
Crazed and somehow beautiful
Trailing off
An incomplete ending
An unfinished sen
Dec 2022 · 62
kain Dec 2022
We will both feel pride
On this day
Far, far in the future
Or maybe not too far at all

Your song is on the radio
In the background of a show
The beat that people in glittering outfits
Let go of control to

You're holding your lover's hand
Or perhaps alone
That familiar bump of feeling
Bitter pride
Melancholy regret
The ghost of hope
The ghost of the part of you
That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed
And I'm sitting
With my headphones in
Listening to your voice
That same bump of feeling
That same ghost, now brought to life

I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me
Now I'm glad you're free
kain Dec 2022
You are all here dancing
'Round my insides
Like dizzy stars
Haunting me
My lovely ghosts

And I know I'm innocent
Innocent as any of you
Innocent as the Northern Lights
But you're all still here
Scars on my stomach lining
Chips in my ribs
Pressing kisses to my esophagus
That make me choke

I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die
And even once we part from my body
We will mingle in the stars
Maybe then you will have what you want
You can tear apart all the pieces that were me
Destroy me like I destroyed you

A cosmic apology
A cosmic goodbye
I'm sorry Kai, I'm sorry Anthony, I'm sorry Crowe, I'm sorry Alex, I'm sorry Kellin, I'm sorry Myce, I'm sorry Josiah, I'm sorry Kadie, I'm sorry to the nameless rest. I deserve my fate, just as we all do.
Dec 2022 · 57
Floating Island
kain Dec 2022
That’s one word for how I feel
but peacefully
Drifting in between

My life is a tranquil pond
My lovers are lilies
Soft and fragrantly blooming—

I am adrift
A heady canoe, oarless
Without a passenger
I am a vessel for the life within me

And I digress
For all life is is a series of digressions
Slipping clumsy from next to next
Sending ripples through a pond
“Disturbing” a peace we will never know
we have always been a part of

I am adrift
In between
In the gaps where life exists
Sep 2022 · 65
No Sleep / Healthy Relief
kain Sep 2022
The sun outside is bright
Lighting up the pavement
The patchwork brick walls

But inside

It is night for me

Blinds drawn
Only a lamp on
Sitting in yesterday's clothes
Shaking like a leaf
Swept up in the hurricane
Of my spiraling thoughts


Don't leave me

The thought of those memories
Sitting in your garage
Sunlight shining in
Surrounding your outline
An angel playing guitar
Singing so softly
and sweetly

It's the crash after the dissociated rush of adrenaline

I almost lost you
Title from the songs by Keepitinside and Poppy Tears.
Jul 2022 · 184
The End of Pluto
kain Jul 2022
I see you sometimes
On weekend afternoons
Softly beside me

I love you then
And in the moments in between
Forever in my mind’s eye

I don't expect you
To stay with me forever
No one can promise that

I only want a promise
Of love’s last kiss
Planted on my cheek

In this time
I found you
On the edge of things
May 2022 · 93
Sigma Male Mindset
kain May 2022
**** hustling
**** getting the bag and not looking back
**** money before *******, money before love
My lover and I are resting
We’re relaxing
We’re waking up together on a Sunday morning curled up in bed
And laying there,
Letting the day come to us

So **** the eternal grind of the capital machine
If I am to be a cog in the depths of this device
I will make the metal around me
A loving and warm home
kain May 2022
Can't stop feeling like I lost something
Every time this song comes on
Pounding through my eardrums
To the place in my head
Where a thirteen year old still remains

The worms and the freaks
Ripped up sheets
Of notebook paper scrawl
Drawing suicides and broken hearts
On my binders and my arm
Thinking about lost kisses
But not lost for me

Nights that lasted forever
Blaring music in my bed
Writing scars and mascara tears
With a plain face
Not old enough to wear makeup yet

Misery is the most frequent company
But not my closest friend
Melanie Martinez rock version nightcore
In the back of last period
Scattered colored pencils
And shared wicked smiles
We were thirteen and thought we were evil
Thought we knew everything
Title from the songs by Zedd and The Cab.
Apr 2022 · 72
kain Apr 2022
You make my throat hurt
Aching up from my core
Slick and soft and smooth
Picturing you kissing and licking into my mouth
Mar 2022 · 81
Halloween Suicide
kain Mar 2022
Easily disappointed
By my own too high too low standards
I hate my imperfect skin
I should be loving the flaws in me
But I can't bring myself to
Staring at the stickers
On the back of my teacher's computer
Waiting for time to pass
Until I can go home
Lay in bed
And wait for time to pass again
Title from the song by Afourteen and Regret Boy.
Mar 2022 · 65
Fade to Black
kain Mar 2022
"And I don't really feel like you came back..."

We fade to black
I wake up on the other side
Tears crusted and stinging around my eyes
You are disillusioned to me
I'm without a jacket and I'm cold
I want to go home
Doing my best to forget
The time we spent together
Mar 2022 · 241
kain Mar 2022
The soft lines of your face
The rough wisps of hair
Sticking out from under your beanie
Someday you'll read this
And ask me what I was thinking about

I'm thinking about you, dove
The crooked line of your nose
The cadence of your voice
You're talking and I'm listening
But I'm also wondering
Can you see it in my eyes
How in love with you I am

The bouncing of your webcam is now a comfort to me
And maybe I'm obsessive
But I'd rather be obsessed with you
Than be anything else
Mar 2022 · 68
idle thoughts pt. 2
kain Mar 2022
there will be nights
and darker days
where we lay in bed
one head on another's chest
when it just rains
and the dim lights outside
will be blurred and distant

but my hands will be in your hair
touching your gentle face
and i'll love you to the end of it
you know that
Mar 2022 · 65
idle thoughts pt. 1
kain Mar 2022
I can close my eyes and see it
Feel my hands in our sheets
The soft mattress under me
I could look up and see your face
If I wanted
Watch you sit down next to me
Wrap your arms around me
Fall back
On our very own bed

We will have a space that is all our own someday
We'll be there soon
With LEDs and black and white pictures
I printed out from my family's home computer
Posters and your knives
A closet full of black clothes
Boots and high tops lined up near the door

It'll be our place
We can kiss and cry
And talk on the phone
Stay up all night wrapped up in each other
Sometimes talking sometimes
Just breathing
Feeling the beating of our hearts
So so alive

Watching the sun rise
With bleary eyes half closed then opened wide
Witnessing beauty
With one awe
That we share between us
Feb 2022 · 206
kain Feb 2022
Spent so long thinking I'm hard
Cruel and calloused
Cold to the touch
That when you soften me up
I spill at the seams
Soon enough I'll melt into your touch
And be forever undone
I'm okay with that
You make me like being soft
I can't get out the words that I want.
Feb 2022 · 75
The World
kain Feb 2022
Rain in a creek
The water's cool but you are warm
Your face is so close to me
From here I can see the world
Libraries and the smell of coffee
Open fields
My feet
High in a tree
Flowers 'round our faces
Lips and kisses and your fingers in me
Us in the stairwell
Of a lonely apartment building
Your nose all pink
While there's snow in my hair
Baking and walks
The making of playlists
The quiet intimacy
Of shared headphones
Igor and Melodrama
Always on repeat
Butterflies and strawberries
Drawings on the fridge
Pinned with funky magnets
Shaped like our inside jokes and dreams
Drawing on sketchpads
Sat on the floor
2 AM and we've never be closer
Waterfalls trickling
A lone fire escape
Sitting together in that night light
I see the whole world
I don't want to leave
Feb 2022 · 64
kain Feb 2022
You're the one
I'd find at the other end of a wormhole
We could be torn apart by time and space
And that same cruel universe would bend us back together

So darling, let's go stargazing
Let's lay down in bed and astral project
Lose our physical forms
Brush fingertips through the sky
The material of space and time
And **** it all up
With a single touch

We can mind meld and lose our voices
But I guarantee I'd still be thinking of you
When all thoughts are gone
When Asimov's last question has been answered
You'll still be on my mind

And when we come to in our bed
Sweaty and wrapped in an embrace that is not fatal
But will see us to our deathbeds still
I'll pull apart to grab a marker
And draw nebulas on your arms

So baby, make me a galaxy
Connect the marks on my skin and make meaning of them
I'll trace out the words of scars
Saturated on your skin
Learn the code of your soul and find my name
Written in the stars
Written on your heart
Where I always will and always have belonged
This is a stereotypical gay poem about love and space. For you, my dove. <3
Feb 2022 · 84
kain Feb 2022
Kissing you
Would be a perfect piece of heaven
We have the kind of love angels will cry about
Biblical in nature
Life changing
World turning
You are my bird of paradise
My dove

It’s your lips
And your stomach
And your soft cheeked smile
But it’s your laugh too
So giddy and joyful and carefree
And the way you look at me
The way your eyes flick
To my complexion
Your eyes make me fall in love
Again and again

Laughing and looking and kissing slowly and softly
My darling dearest
I love you so infinitely
Our affection stretches past the stars
Past the bounds of the known universe
Faster than the speed of light, illuminating far away worlds
They will look up
And see a shimmering sky
As we drift through space
Hand in hand
Having forgotten about the rest of the world long ago
Dec 2021 · 61
kain Dec 2021
That day
You commented on me staring out at the snowflakes
There's so many things I can't forget
I hate you
I wish I could feel something for someone
I want so bad
To say that you broke me
But you didn't break anything
Title from the song by EDEN.
Dec 2021 · 100
Didn't Make It
kain Dec 2021
It's some sort of feeling
I can almost see
It's like a dream
My friend once described to me
I'm standing in the dark
With you flowing all around me
You and all our memories
You're bleeding out of my arteries
Disappearing in this zero gravity void
Droplets of you fading into the black
But you're not gone yet
Title from the song by Charli Adams.
Nov 2021 · 34
My Heart Hurts
kain Nov 2021
My heart hurts
Because it remembers you
But it doesn't recognize you
It's been over six months
And your demeanor has changed
You were so hopeful about life then
Now you're a husk
Dry and overworked and empty
Drained of everything you used to be

But maybe it's just me
Maybe I don't see the side of you
That still cares if you live or die
The part that loves video games
The sound of my voice

I miss your soul
I feel such loss for you
It's a melancholy malaise that has settled over you
My heart hurts for you
I recognize some of him. The foolish aspects. The parts that make him work himself too hard and do too much for other people. I feel like crying because I miss the person he was.
Nov 2021 · 51
Shut Me Up
kain Nov 2021
Just a month until I replace you forever
You have no place in my life anymore
I don't care that you don't want me
I never ******* loved you
It was infatuation and I got rid of you as soon as it was gone
I come back to you when I'm bored
Then discard you once I'm not
You answer every time
It's pathetic
I feel nothing for you
Title from the song by PRINCESSBRI.
Nov 2021 · 50
kain Nov 2021
You are my dummy
But not as in a mannequin
Or a toy
Or a punching bag

You are my dummy
As in I think you are dumb
Because you hurt yourself too often playing sports
And you make me explain big words and slang to you
You watch professional football
And sing songs when you're out fishing
With your friends
You sleep in late and text me halfway through first period
I think about kissing you often

You are my dummy
As in you are mine
You send me pictures of your face
We talk every day
It's been almost a month and
Every day you are mine
Every day we say good morning and good night
We send each other hearts
I think about being against your chest
And knowing you are mine
I'm writing poems about someone again.
Jun 2021 · 79
New Aesthetic
kain Jun 2021
Faded eyeliner
Empty monster cans
Tears unspilled
Clouding up my vision
While everyone in class
Laughs around me
Hip hop songs about suicide
And dark trap about death
Clothes strewn across my floor
Bed left unmade
Uncomfortable classroom chairs
Flannels and sweats
Big hoodies and pajama pants
Dyed hair with the roots growing in
Fingers torn and ripped to ****
Eyeshadow on my arm
Masquerading as bruises
Bad skin and dark circles
Gently faded scars
That's my new aesthetic
The face of resenting you
Jun 2021 · 83
You're An Asshole
kain Jun 2021
You're an *******
Why did you have to lie
When you held my hand
Did you know it would end soon
Did you have plans of how to break it to me
Instead of plans to break it to them
Why did you agree to tell our friends
Maybe you knew how they'd react
Maybe you wanted an easy excuse
I don't know
It doesn't add up
Either way
Get ******
Jun 2021 · 197
Real Eyes
kain Jun 2021
Ever think about that quote,
"Real eyes realize real lies"

I guess my eyes are fake then
Because I never saw this coming
this is absolute garbage
May 2021 · 40
Forever & Always
kain May 2021
Things are slowly falling apart

I have such good friends
A family who loves me to death
A house and a home and a heart that beats
But I'm so empty

It starts with a click
Nails on my phone screen
Reading that text
Again and again
The beginning of the fall

My room starts getting messy
I start writing less
Lunches pile up on my desk
I get used to feeling hungry again
I still list my songs before bed
Falling asleep in my sweatpants
Clothes piled on a chair
So high it's practically an entity
A guardian of my depression
Watching me fall

I still talk to my friends
I still smile when I read
And laugh at old shows
But it's harder now
And I ache when it's over
Deeper than before

It's not my worst ever
But if I had a bottle of pills
I'd drink them down painfully
After much deliberation
Life is so painful and lonely
When you're failing ever so slowly
Withdrawing and crawling
Deeper in your hole
It's so dark down here
Yet I loathe the light
I take the perfect life I have
And flush it away
Watch it drain
Then scoop up the dregs
And mourn it
Like I wasn't the one who made me
Forever lonely
Forever and always
Title from the song by Zeph.
Apr 2021 · 32
The Mannequin
kain Apr 2021
I must ask
Who poured lead in my bones
Who stitched up my throat
Closed up my old wound
And left it
Rotting and infected
To slowly eat me away
Apr 2021 · 917
Shut Up!
kain Apr 2021
I get it
You're a princess in your robe ball gown
With your boyfriend across the states
Dancing a waltz with you
In some stupid ballroom
And you're so in love
You've decided to get married
With blessings from the parents
There are doves in the air
But then you fight in the bathroom
Then make up twenty minutes later
Your life is hard
You and your prince
Dancing in a ballroom
Apr 2021 · 385
Good Bad Guy
kain Apr 2021
I still dream about you,
you know.

Not every night like I used to
but still often enough to wake up
wondering why you aren't around.

And you're always on my mind.

I can't keep doing this.
Even though I hurt you, you're
the one who's hurting me
so inadvertently.
And every silence is like
a blow to the face,
because I know you see me.

You're such a good bad guy.
Title from "Dream About You" by Charlotte Sands.
Mar 2021 · 64
Dear Protector: 3
kain Mar 2021
Please message me back
I'll respect whatever you do
But I'm not ready for this to be over

Probably should've thought of that earlier
Mar 2021 · 69
Dear Protector: 2
kain Mar 2021
You've made your stance quite clear
You don't want me in your life anymore
After what I did

I was sure you'd come back
But you didn't
You haven't
And there's a good chance you won't

I need to move on
Pick myself up and get myself away from here
Immerse myself in different things
Pick up hobbies
Begin reassociating the things I recognize as you
With something else

I can't let you rule my life anymore
I just can't
I have to move on
He went offline this morning while I was trying to talk to him. I think that's a pretty clear sign.
Mar 2021 · 55
Dear Protector: 1
kain Mar 2021
I miss you
Why did I leave you
Why did I ever do this
I miss your face so ******* much
I just wanna talk to you again
But I know you won't respond
You've decided to respect my decision
So I know you won't message back
I know you won't add me again
You won't block me because you probably can't bring yourself to
But you won't respond

I'm alone now
You were my number one confidant
I loved you so much
We would always call when I was sad and I'd go to bed smiling
And imaging you holding me
Your chest pressed against my back
And then it stopped working
I got off the phone and sobbed into my hands
It wasn't enough anymore
I guess I realized things wouldn't work out

It hurts so much to let go of you
My eyes have been constantly swollen since I left
Full of tears and mourning
As much as I wish you'd text back
I'm glad you haven't
This was coming sooner or later
part one of me venting my thoughts about him
Feb 2021 · 75
kain Feb 2021
If you've ever grown a garden
You know how hard it is
To start again and again
Year after year
Planting seeds and saplings with love and care
Only for it all to die when the cold comes

But you learn some things
Growing a garden
Not all is lost in winter
Some things go dormant, some roots grow deep
Deep enough to evade the cold and stay imbedded in that ground forever
All things die in time
But not some of these trees
They become immortal to you
They're there as long as you live

It all starts out small in a garden
You fail at first, and then again
But then something sticks
Something holds
Fights to hold on and stay alive
And succeeds
And you get to watch it grow into this beautiful thing
Towering over all the other plants you grow after that
No matter how tall or splendid your other plants grow
There was always the first
Even after it dies
It's still alive
Because it is the foundation
Of everything else you grow
Thank you for getting me this far. I'm never going to forget you.
Oct 2020 · 78
Kiss The Ground
kain Oct 2020
You are everything I've ever wanted
You make me so numb
I should just let things die out
It'd be the happiest ending for us.
Aug 2020 · 71
Dear Josh
kain Aug 2020
If I knew
That I'd see you when I die
I wouldn't **** myself
I'd stay here
Live out my life
See what the world has to offer
Before I joined you in the grand above

I hope you wouldn't mind
If I made you wait for a while
You could watch me on my adventures
I hope clinical psychology
Or big firm accounting
Sound interesting to you
I'll travel all across the states
Thinking of you as an angel on my shoulder

I like how I operate
Thinking that you're dead
You might still be out there
Living your own life
Completely apart from mine
What would you think
If someone told you you'd see me when you die
Would you be disappointed
Would you wish it was someone else
Or would you smile again
Like you smiled on my last full day
When I asked you to support me
I think you'd say yes
Like you did then

I wouldn't be scared of death
If I knew I'd spend it with you
There's no one I'd rather be with
And I mean it
I'll spend my life with everyone else
Might as well spend my death with you

I think I think about you dead because it's easier to cope
Than knowing you're probably out there
And you never called
I still want you sometimes
I still perk up when the phone rings
But I know it's not you
Because now you're dead
Or you stopped searching
Maybe you never searched at all
Honestly, the thought that I wasn't special to you
Is the worst thing I can imagine
I don't believe it though
I saw something in your eyes
That knots up my throat every time I think about you
You cloud over my eyes
You make me cry
Because you're one of my favourite people in the world
And you mean so much to me
I know you'll never find this, but if you do, search my name on instagram. I'm on there and I'm waiting every day for you to find me. I miss you so ******* bad and I'd give up a lot if it meant I got to talk to you again. I mean it.
Aug 2020 · 49
kain Aug 2020
You remind me of what it's like to fall in love
The rush
And the eventual disappointment
It's been so long for me that I don't even feel human anymore
Everyone I know is a million miles away
And I don't even mind

I don't know
Maybe this is just more proof
That I'm better off alone
Because there's nothing quite like
The numbness crashing in
It's not something I can share with someone
I wouldn't if I could

I'm listening to old love songs
And they just make me realize
How I'm never romantically nostalgic anymore
I don't care about my old crushes
They've all turned to dust on me
The only boy I've ever loved might as well be dead
And I've resigned myself to the fact that he's the only love I'll ever have
He's the only one I still cry for
He's the one I'd die for
If it meant I could see him in heaven

I don't know
Maybe I'm over young love
Maybe I'm just preaching and goth
Not old for my time
But I feel no connection
To any of these people

I flirt with my ex girlfriend because I'm bored
She doesn't deserve it
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
And I was so in love with her before
But now that's gone too and I'm stuck rambling all because my friend is in love and talked to me about it on pinterest
I don't know
I never thought I would be so emotionally unavailable
That even romance wasn't my thing anymore
Middle school me would be disappointed.
Aug 2020 · 55
Heaven With You
kain Aug 2020
You are part of my history
No matter what I do
You've claimed a piece of me
And I still never want to see you again
But I've accepted that the person I knew
For five hours on a Saturday afternoon
Will never leave me

Your face is still going to haunt me
I'll still cringe when I imagine
Your hands on me
But I'm getting up
And moving on
And not caring if you move on too
It hurts but I'm slowly moving on.
Aug 2020 · 33
Suicidal Thoughts
kain Aug 2020
Thinking about unblocking his number
Is suicidal thoughts
He's my death wish
My reaper's kiss
Can't believe he was once my everything

Manipulative, darkened and deceiving
I fell for every trick he fed me
And always woke up from nightmares
That left me screaming
They were dreams of him
And a rooftop
And giant claws
They're suicidal thoughts

I see his face
In every scar on my arm
Every shriveled patch of skin
Is something like him
So twisted and deceived
Well, that's more like me
But I still miss him sometimes
Wonder what I looked like in his eyes

A fool, I suppose
Just a foolish girl
Lost in his fantasy world
A world where he might actually love me
Pure fantasy
Where the rope around my neck
Is a daisy chain
And this suicidal thoughts
Are pure bliss to me
Aug 2020 · 29
I Miss You
kain Aug 2020
It's been over a year now
Soon to be two
And I'm still thinking about you
I don't really look for you anymore
I don't fantasize about seeing you as often
I'm moving on
To different things
But I still want to see you again

Would you even recognize me
With my short hair
And slightly different body
I picture seeing you on the street
In your jeans and t-shirt
Me in leggings and a Manson hoodie
Our eyes meet and you recognize me
Maybe we even speak
Exchange telephone numbers and
Arrange to see each other again

But plans fall through
And it won't happen anyways
I missed you by mere seconds
Maybe one more day
Just one more day
Would've been enough
But you had already lost me
I was already gone
Aug 2020 · 35
You're Everything
kain Aug 2020
You're so much more than a matter of fact
You're sitting at a table
and I'm watching you drink juice
You're texts I get at two in the morning
that I only read when I wake up
You're holding up your hands
while looking at a starry sky
trying to catch the moon
and bring it down to you
You're a poet
and you're your own poetry
You're a mess
You're all the pinterest boards we made together
You're beautiful
You're laughing
as we play video games in your room
You're doing a cheerhold for my feet
so I don't fall down this slippery ***** we built for ourselves
You're an artist
You're art
You're taking mirror selfies with me
You're everything
to cc
Jul 2020 · 44
Highschool Boyfriend
kain Jul 2020
Imagine having that perfect highschool boyfriend
Being one of those couples in the halls
Hugging before each class
Kissing after school
Wearing his hoodie
While he wears your scrunchie

Imagine staying up late facetiming
Falling asleep to his voice from your phone
Holding hands when you walk together
All your friends talking about how cute you are
Holding a special place in someone's heart
And being so open about it

Imagine being enough to have that
These aren't even relationships that only exist on tv. I knew couples who did the scrunchie thing in freshman year. I know couples who do all of this still.
I can't imagine what that must be like for them.
Jul 2020 · 37
Falling Apart
kain Jul 2020
Falling apart
At the lightest touch
What happened to those bright eyes
To that midnight sky
That we laid under
Dew collecting around our bodies
As we stared upwards, unafraid
Of that endless scape of stars

But now you're falling apart
At the lightest touch
At the tap of a piano key
The brush of a snowflake
On my cheek
Why are you afraid?
Why are you crying?
Why are you dying?
Jun 2020 · 69
Hold On
kain Jun 2020
Would things be different
if we still talked?

Would I feel better?
Would all these disorders be gone?
Would I still be in love
with all there is to be?

Would you still love me?
Did you ever love me at all?
Will your body feel it when I'm gone?
What if my last dream of you
was the day you died?
What would you say
if I joined you?
Title from the song by Chord Overstreet.
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