Drowning
Even before the floodgates
Break
Pulled to the bottom
By an infinite weight
I'll never be able to lift it
All I can do
All any of us can do
Is wait

Because someday
These clouds will fade
The sky will clear
I'll feel the sun on my face
And it will be more
Than worth the wait

I'll hold my breath
Until the end of time
If it means that I
Will witness the stars
I'll fall apart
A thousands times
Just so I
Can someday be whole
And I will be
We will be
Just wait

Because someday
When the sun comes through
And the light breaks our bodies
We will rise
We will soar
Higher than birds
Seeing it all
For the first time
We'll finally fly

All it takes
Is the will to survive
And we will
Just wait

Mix lavender in
With my ashes
So the ghosts can't take me away
I know it's cold
And you want to go home
But I really wish you would stay

Darling
We aren't done yet

My eyes, they weep, from bitter wings of fear
My fate is sealed by torture with no end
My soul, it cries, from icy streaming tears
The angels cry but no good luck they send

My will, it breaks, with harsh and brutal steps
My ears, they bleed, as I witness conceit
My back, it aches, from dread and hate I've kept
The demons shriek but give they no replete

Test fire and heat, as I journey through hell
Hold my head high and sing a battle song
The force I seek, all fear it shall dispel
With one fair cleave, I sever right and wrong

My fevered foe no longer posing  threat
So long, goodbye, none mourn the great sonnet

I'd rather see the world
Through a broken glass
Fragmented
Like I'm an insect
I'd rather see you
Looking through my bangs
You're blurry now
Like I'm dying
I'd rather see myself
Well
I'd rather not see myself
At all

Sometimes
I wish one of us would die
Just to end this mess
To let my hair grow out
To become someone else
Again

I am a panoply
Of all things inane
My mind is half gone
And my dreams
Are a mess of the dead
I'm probably concussed
And I can't feel my legs
So let's go steal Greenland
To wash away the pain

I still love you
In all of my indifference
And the time that I have spent floating
When you don't so much
As cross my mind
You're still alive
Living in my lungs
Stealing all my
Oxygen

I want to lay down
In a bed of flowers
Walk into the woods
Dig into the earth, barefoot
I want to lay down
And see the trees
Reaching out their arms
Sheltering me
Let my body still
Blossoms tickling my cheeks

You are the one
Breathe red and gold
Into my lungs
Dust
From a thousand stars
Falling prettily
On your hair

Grass
Green as those eyes
Too aggressive
Yet shy
Playing chicken
In the sun
Burning up

Forest fires
Clumsy hands
Subtlety
Was never your style
I was
Though
I was

I want to be buried
Next to the unmarked grave
In my town's small cemetery
Next to the football stadium
The grave that nobody notices
The grave I sat beside
So many times
The grave I collected flowers for
Not a beautiful bouquet
Bought at a shop
But fallen blossoms
Pale and delicate
That littered the ground
Beneath the flowering trees
I wiped away the moss
And the wind caked dirt
To reveal the slab of stone
The grave that only read
Unnamed

This will be the year
Of all of my mistakes
These walls will fall
With my dignity
I'm a disaster
Exploding in slow motion
Can't make up my mind
Can't make up anything
Crashing like a train
Derailing swiftly
Giving out my number
******* myself
To the whole city
This chaos knows
Nothing of mercy
My blind eyes know
Nothing of the truth
Just this downward spiral
The desecration
Of my troubled youth

Lately
I've been detached
Anxious but so
Unaffected
By everything around

And strangely
I'm not emotional
Numb and sometimes
So content
Just drifting in the wind

So plainly
I'm not quite depressed
Just obsessed with
The apathy
That's draining me

Lately
I've been on my own
Ending up alone in
Cemeteries
Looking for my name

Can I be outside
Trapped in a toilet chamber
Alone
And it's funny
To everyone but me
Nobody knows
I guess it's not funny at all

I don't like to be alone
I'm scared of people
And I'm wondering
Who locked the door on humanity
When I was still outside
Lost in this garden
Smelling the roses

I'll knock but there will be no answer
See my people through portholes
Pray for someone else who
Likes nighttime walks
And midnight talks
To come outside
And see me for once

Sit back down on my throne
Hunch over
Resign myself to being alone
I scream into the void
Of the night to no answer
There is no hope in opening a door
That I locked myself

We talk during the day
And prowl at night
Donning our costumes
To prey on tv shows
No matter how many
Cute girls I meet
I will never forget
The ******* who raised me

The morning air
Seeping in through open windows
Settles a chill in my bones
Goose flesh
Dots my legs
And pasty cheeks
My finger tips pulsate
With the numb
The tip of my nose
Is stained cherry pink
While my nails turn blue
And my mind stop turning
Freezing over slowing
In that harsh, morning air

There is a cold tingle upon my spine
Cold hands wrapped around my feet
The sun I see is a harsh line
On wooden panels
Perhaps I should go back to sleep

The clock strikes a weary noon
Silence meets my wake
Eyes open to the same old room
Chained by indifference
Different days spent standing in place

Beneath my sheets I stir and twist
Eyes flicker with dreams
My mind grasps me with an iron fist
Trapping my physical form
And tearing at all of my seams

It's raining today
Everyone stands
With their black umbrellas
Opened wide
To catch the sky

Soft music played
Inside the funeral home
It echoes in their ears
Old lyrics scattered
To the beat of the rain

The ceremony was short
The coffin was not open
There were no deformities
But the mother couldn't bear
To see the body

The tombstone is small
Simply carved
No one quite knew what to say
So all it reads is
Gone but never forgotten

That's funny
Considering who I was

Piercing
Shattering
Sapphire doesn't
Come close to touching it
Ice white
Glaciers
Winter skies
Reflected in the ocean
Pale
Frayed threads
On the edge of a sweater
The faintest
Water colour
Dash of night
On a page

Crazy good friends
Come as a black
Haired girl
A wheelchair boy
A tall slim smile
Pink hair
And balloon shreds
Popped out
On the deck
Running down the halls
Laughing until sides stop
French words faded
Next week
Too far away
Five weeks later
Still sitting
And dreaming
Curled up on
A leather couch
Under blankets
Over life
Dripping in slime
Dancing in their eyes
A group of crazy good friends
Waiting outside

It didn't snow this year
I'm not sad
Just a little numb
And a trifle stunned
The hours pass too swiftly
Pounding past me
On elephant's feet
And it's a shame
That he's spending this evening alone
It's a shame that she
Still thinks we're in love
It's a shame that they
Are drinking with friends
Instead of going to bed
Like they should be

Too many thoughts
Are living in my mind
Competing for a spot
In the light
I can't do it all
I don't remember his name
But I guess that I
Might love him anyways
I fall so easy
And so **** hard
When I land
I'll be bruised
Maybe he'll leave a scar
That I can trace
A physical memory
That I can't erase
Not that I'd choose
To forget about you
Anyways

She is the best thing
My mind can see
Long amethyst waves
An unscarred wrist
Talking sometimes
I can hear her voice
In silent letters
Through the phone
And now what she is
Is a beautiful presence
A lovely evanescence
That sleeps with me
And guides my dreams
From miles away
With her blender fish tank
Someday I fear
All that she will be
Is a ghost of a dream
Forever lost to me

Pick yourself up off the ground and find another quiet place to cry.
The crying isn't the problem; it's the people who see you.

Bury yourself old novels.

Go to therapy and order coffee afterwards,
But always go through the drive-thru.
You can't let them see you fully.

Take your medicine instead of stockpiling pills like a suicidal squirrel.
Attempts won't get you anywhere, you know you're too afraid to die.

Make some friends and fall in love with all of them.
Know that they will never love you back but do it anyways.
If someone tells you you mean something, they're lying.
That's what happens when you're sad.
People pity you.
The last thing you need is pity.

I'm writing this
From the top of the hill
Black berries in my palm
Thinking of you
Maybe you'll think of me
Up in your room
Barred off from the world
A twisted fairytale
But we aren't Rapunzel
We aren't Disney quality
Who wants a homoflexible prince
And a purple haired queen
Besides your hair
Isn't quite that long
And I don't own a horse
But I do have some letters from you
And you have some from me
Maybe I'll travel around today
And see if you got back to me
I hope you did because I miss
Everything about you dear
I hope you might just
Think of me sometimes
When times get tough
And words aren't enough
I can be your rock to hold you up
And I can be you anchor
To keep you grounded
You can be my muse
The subject of all my dreams
We can be a lot of things
Rapunzel is not one of them

Ever think about that quote,
"Real eyes realize real lies"
?

I guess my eyes are fake then
Because I never saw this coming

The weather has gone back
To pretending to be a tsunami
And my heads filled up
By all the grey clouds
It's not that bad, though
Because the magnets on my fridge
Keep spelling out love letters
The taps on my wall
Are to the tune of
I'm in love with you
And all the voices in my head
Want me hitched, not dead
The shadow in the corner
Is down on one knee
And the Grim Reaper
Keeps bringing me bouquets
So who needs a girlfriend
When the undead wants me?

I love me
Because I'm weird
And I'm not worried
If they care
If I tease my hair
I'm not alone anymore
I've got my goths
I'm got my needs
And my occasional jocks
I have my emo girlfriend
I have my support
I have music
And I don't have God
And I'll live how I want
So **** them all

Cars rumble
I can smell you on the tarmac
Catch me on the breeze
That drifts through the
Open car window
It's too stuffy in here
I'm too busy today
To take my time and
Watch the clouds
Race across the sky
Just as busy as I
We scuttle along
Like ***** in water
And sometimes I wonder
About you
Up in your art room
About graffiti and drugs
On the streets
And their ***** hair
And unreadable eyes
About the cryptids
And cigarettes
Cults in the woods
The filthy scrub
Down by the tracks
That you left in my heart
When I left your constellation
Was I really a part
Of your personal set of stars

I'm still learning
Learning to be loved
Learning to be beautiful
Learning to watch the blood
Dripping from my ceiling
And recognize it
As just a dream
Learning to be kind
Learning to be pure
Learning to shower three times a week
Learning that I
Am a creature of the night
Learning that the moon is beautiful
And darkness is my friend
Learning how to sleep
And learning how to dream
Learning that dreams
Are the only way we truly see

What does it mean
To still be here, living with trees
Tapping at the windows
It's almost like they're asking
What we think we're doing

Waking up on air mattresses
Drinking instant coffee while
Outside, birds will fall
In this twisted dream
A toxic slew of memories

Remember the back of the class
Listening to seventeen covers
Of "Kissing in Cars" and
Going through every last
Tear stained inch of you

Remember the grass beneath my feet
Before you ever knew about me
The school shootings, the rain
Kids crying in the parking lot
Phoning parents, trying not to be afraid

You're the only person I've ever seen
At midnight in an overcrowded kitchen
Leaned against a counter
Like you know where you belong
That night, I saw stars behind your eyes
I don't want to grow up anymore

If going to the park
At three in the morning to get ******
And talk about what we do and don't know
Is a waste of time
I'll gladly waste away my life

If running barefoot
In the construction lot
Behind the local cemetery
Is no way to make friends
Well
I suppose I'll have to risk it

If loving while I can
Unashamed
With no makeup on
Won't get me anywhere
I guess I'll stay
Right where I am

If dropping out of college
And moving to New Jersey
Because my girlfriend is a wildfire
And I don't mind the burning
Is a stupid way to live my life
Well
I guess

It looks like I
Am set to waste my time
And hang around
With the exactly wrong crowd
And dance in the rain
In the same old parking lot

Perhaps in your eyes
I am a waste of life
Another burned out youth
Old by seventeen and
Tattered in a trailer park

Build your life
Make your connections
Keep waiting for life
To come to you
And when you die
In your socially acceptable town

Me and my friends
Will be long dead
Rotting away
In the very same place
When the gods die
And the world rusts
We will not be remembered as the ones who changed the world
We won't be remembered at all
We will simply be the ones
Who danced while they could
Who ran out in the weather
When everyone else stayed inside
We will be the ones who loved the most
And fell the farthest
We will have learned all there is to know
All the lessons of a cruel world
We will die unspectacularly
We will have raging two person parties
We will die with heads full of memories
From dreams we chased like wrathes
We will be the ones who did not sit and wait
And in the end
We will always be the fortunate ones

What is beyond death
When I don't believe in God
I know my body
Will be buried
Or burned away to nothing
And that's okay
But what happens to me
What happens to the person
Who loves with blue flames
Where does she go
When the sun sets
And all is quiet and calm
If there is a hell
I'm probably headed there
But I don't think
That there is
Perhaps I'll roam the universe
I can touch down on planets
And stars afar
Maybe I'll be reborn
If that's the case
Then end my term
Eternal life on earth
Seems like a chore
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be here
When nations burn
I refuse to bear witness
To another century turn
And someday I will die
And I am so afraid
To let my conscience go
And fly into the void
Because deep down I know
What happens when we die
We are gone
Like smoke into the night
The thing that makes us human
Is furthest from physical
So when my body dies
My mind won't have
Anywhere to go
I don't want to be snuffed out
Like a burned down candle
And oh I know
That it won't be my choice
Maybe that's why
I've tried to end it all
I want to live
On my own terms
But the world
Has never been under my control
In a world where we die
So my only hope
Is that I can live my life
With the time I have left
But what's the point of living
When we all live to die

Maybe
If I write you
Enough poems
And send you
Enough texts
About the stupid
Dreams I have
And send you
Enough pictures
Of alpacas and
My pets
If I let you
Know through
Online poems how
Much you really mean
You'll come
Back home
And call me
That night
And we can
Meet up at
A ****** movie
Theater
Watch that new
Horror movie
Walk down to
A park and sit
And talk about
Our lives
You can show me
Khoshekh and
I'll show you
My new bangs
I know that
Will never happen
But I'll still
Dream it anyways
I know I'll
Never love you
And I know I'll
Never see you
But the world is
Getting colder
My faith is
Slowly dying
But I'm not
Giving up on you
Like they
Gave up on me
Love
I'll keep on
Trying

Like coffee
You taste bitter on my tongue
Slightly sweetened
By the glaze of your eyes
When you wet your lips
And press them to mine

Clear blue skies so wide
They might suffocate me
Sunlight like knives
Piercing my skin
Making me wonder
Why I should even try

That's what I see
When I see you
Us up on a hill
Touching the moon

That's what I see
When I look at the sky
A fiery light that I'll
Find in your eyes

I never not ache like this
The back of my mind is
Ringing like a church bell
The somber sound of
A drizzling day's funeral

So when, again
Are you gonna get out of my head
Leave my daydreams
And take me by the hand
Lead me out
Onto the floor
At this ****** high school dance
Fortnite dance
Because you know
It ****** me off
Until we get kicked out
For being too loud

That's okay
We'll just head back to your place
Watch some awful
Horror movies
While your hand
Sneaks up my leg
I'll probably kick you
And pin you down
But that's how you like it
Isn't that right
Bite my neck
Until I beg you to stop
Tickle my sides
To break the silence
And wait a while
For me to fall asleep
Just so you can wake me up
And remind me
That it was just a dream

Drawing flowers
Foxglove and
Red stained hearts
Bleeding out
On the pavement
Sending kisses
Over the phone
Texting like
Wildflowers
Popping up
In the darkness
Of my mind

Drawn back
Into stagnant memories
A beat that drives me
To the brink of the edge
The chasm of insanity
Flashing lights
Behind my eyes
Lips silently moving
Tumbling over words
I haven't tasted
Since I was six years old

Spent so long thinking I'm hard
Cruel and calloused
Cold to the touch
That when you soften me up
I spill at the seams
Soon enough I'll melt into your touch
And be forever undone
I'm okay with that
You make me like being soft

It’s crazy to say
That I once believed in God
He seemed so real to me
What happened?
Did I fall
From imaginary grace?
Was something there
At all?
Searching for answers
Imbedded in my skin
All I find
In the lines
Are more questions

Cool afternoons spent
With ocean skies
That don't compare
To your wildfire eyes

Lay back in the grass
Your dog on my chest
Daydreams and sunscreen
Of all my fantasies
You are the best

My favorite kind of song
Is not the lazy love ballads
It's the crashing ones
The catastrophic ones
The ones with the voices
Crooning gently
To whispered guitar
Before the solo hits
And you drive off the bridge
And crash your car

All this "love"
Is crushing me

Old times
Sting like
Fresh wounds
What would happen
If I cut until I bled
Then watched my life trickle out
A flood from within my veins
Staining my sheets
Ruining my bed

Oh early morning dream
Who's going to stop me
From bending down
And throwing out
All the things
That got me this far
I know it's never worth it
And my mind
Doesn't know what's right
But minds can be so deceiving
Especially mine

It's too late
For me to be awake
But I am
And I'm still thinking about you

I'm intrigued
Honestly
I want to see more
I want to dive deep
I'm standing at your edge
Watching my own
Rippling reflection

Will you let me in?
I think you will.

I'm cold
When the rain comes
But I'll be colder
When it goes
For now I exist
Is the foggy distance
Where the sun never shines
And the music
Never stops playing
And I can never rest
My aching bones
My freezing toes
My red stained nose
There's somewhere in my mind
Where I'm well aware
That this is suicide
But I'm young
And the rain has come
Maybe when it goes
I'll be older
Colder